Afton Rorvik's Blog, page 2

The Gift of Being With

For most of 2020 we’ve tried to stay distant from people in order to keep each other safe from this crazy COVID-19 virus. We feel weary. Our hearts ache from not sharing with each other the gift of showing up.

Even we introverts miss the real-life conversations over tea or dinner out. Really! The other day I blurted out to John, my extroverted husband, “I miss people!” I do. I want to be WITH people. Around my dining room table. At a friend’s kitchen counter. At a tea shop. On a road trip. At an outlet mall. In a restaurant. In a prayer circle.

These days I think often of a question we use here in the Midwest: “Do you want to come with?” That question used to drive me crazy because it ended with a preposition(!) Lately, I’ve come to cherish it precisely because it ends with the word with.

Together. Not alone. Not socially distanced. Not afraid of a virus. Connected.

WITH.

And when I think about Christmas this year, I find myself drawn repeatedly toward another word: Immanuel—God WITH us.

This year, more than any other Christmas, I take great comfort in knowing that God so wanted to show us His love that He sent Jesus to earth. God showed up in human form. He wanted to be WITH us. Still does.

This Christmas I pray that we may all discover anew God’s gift of Immanuel even as we mourn the loss of being WITH the people we hold dear.

Being WITH Resources

These things help me focus on Immanuel, God WITH us. Perhaps they will help you too.

Prayer of Examen—This prayer, developed by St. Ignatius of Loyola in the sixteenth century, focuses on noticing God’s presence in daily life. I often practice a very simple version of it at the end of a day. As I begin the process of trying to sleep, I go back in my mind to every event and conversation in the day and ask myself, “How did God show up in this situation?” The process helps me let go of the day, particularly the hard bits, as I imagine God walking through them WITH me.

“O Little Town of Bethlehem” sung by Fernando Ortega. For some reason, the musical setting of this version of an old favorite makes me pay attention to the words. And I often catch myself singing along. I return to the song over and over throughout the day and thank God for that night long ago in Bethlehem when Jesus came to be WITH us.  Oh, the calm of worship!

God’s Relentless Love by Sharla Fritz For several years, I have met once a month with my friend Sharla to swap writing. I read her chapters-in-process, and she reads mine. I’ve watched her latest book take shape from chapter one. And her book has reminded me of something simple: God loves us. Relentlessly. Sharla develops this theme by looking at the biblical book of Hosea. And she does is so well with a delightful mix of modern stories, biblical history, and well-written, thoughtful study questions. I plan to dive into the study portion of this book in January. I know that in that dark, cold month I will need reminders that God sees and cares and loves. I will need to remember that no matter the weather or the state of the pandemic God is WITH me.

I would love to have you meet my friend Sharla and hear about her new book. Join us on FaceBook Tuesday night December 15th at 8 pm CST. I’ll be there helping with some fun giveaways.

Cheering you on as you seek to live connected in this crazy world of ours.


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Living Connected in a Digital, Disgruntled World

So many words flying around these days. Angry words. Defensive words. Opinionated words. Divisive words. Shaming words.

Especially online.

I’ve hesitated to add my words to the fray so I’ve backed off a bit with blogging. I’ll likely write something every other month.

And I’ve really wrestled with online media the past few months. Perhaps you have too. I want to stay connected (and as an author I should), but I find myself getting angry, anxious, and overwhelmed when I jump into the current sea of words online.

So I spent most of the month of September reading and thinking and praying about online words. And I want to share some of that with you. (Hang on. This will be a bit longer than most posts.)

I’ve asked myself some key questions.

First, how does my online presence help me to live connected?

I recently tried an experiment: I took all the social media apps off my phone.

Why?

I had noticed something about myself. When I had downtime and felt bored, I would pull out my phone and scroll aimlessly through Facebook. After ten minutes or so, I started to feel anxious and overwhelmed, but instead of getting off, I kept scrolling and reading and liking and commenting. After twenty minutes I felt crabby. So many words . . .

Not living well. Not living connected. Just living frustrated.

Then I started reading a book several friends recommended: Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World by Cal Newport. In this well-written, well-researched book, Newport calls readers to develop a philosophy of social media rather than just turning to social media to assuage boredom.

Interestingly, he also advocates taking all the social media apps off your phone so that you have to choose to participate in social media.

Newport talks at length about how we should use social media rather than let it use us.

His book prompted me to ask myself: How does using social media help me live connected in real life? 

I’m not sure it does in and of itself. It can, however, serve as a jumping-off point. I can start a one-on-one conversation with someone, based on a post or photo I saw online. I can pray for people. But it can also distract me from the actual people in the room with constant notifications.

I want to remember the limitations of social media and make sure it doesn’t usurp time and energy I could put toward developing real-life relationships.

I’m trying a few things, thanks in part to suggestions from Facebook friends.

Keeping a short list of people I want to connect with on social media and checking their feeds directly instead of scrolling randomly. Connecting with social media friends offline through email or text or a phone call.Limiting my time on Facebook to Saturday mornings and occasional 10-minute afternoon check-ins with my groups and short list.Muting people who repost antagonistic political or divisive racial material.Paying attention to how I feel when I’m on social media. If I start to feel anxious or overwhelmed, I get off immediately.Using the Do Not Disturb function on my phone more when I’m with people or at the end of the day. This way my texts don’t continually interrupt real life. And I can still get emergency calls from designated numbers.

By taking the apps off my phone, I now have to pull out my laptop and log on to a specific social media account in order to use it. Those extra steps serve as a pause button for me. Do I really need to dive into social media right now? Why?

Second, how do my posts on social media reflect what I value most?

I love words. I love God. I love connecting with people and building relationships.

Does my social media activity reflect those loves?

I’ve spent the month of September doing a study, written by my friend Sharla Fritz: Bless These Lips: 40 Days of Spiritual Renewal. It challenges me to go back to the Bible and really think about what God says about words. (And I love Sharla’s practical suggestions and sense of humor.) The book includes eight chapters, each of which includes one verse from the Bible to memorize. Having these verses roll around in my brain has helped me so much as I evaluate my own words on social media. Ephesians 4:29 (NIV) has become one of my favorites:

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Building others up . . . Thinking about what they need not just what I feel like saying . . .

I love this prayer from Sharla’s book (page 48). I want to make it a habit to pray this over my Facebook account.

Recently, I discovered reruns of a show I first watched in the 1990s: Touched by an Angel. The show features Monica, Tess, and Andrew, three angels that show up on earth to help people, often as an answer to a desperate prayer. I find that I’m often in tears by the end of each show after watching the angels live out a very simple message that completely changes lives: “God loves you.”

Do my words in real life and online convey the love of God?

I don’t have all the answers. And I know I’ll wrestle with this for some time, certainly throughout election season. But I want to wrestle. I want to approach social media thoughtfully and not let it control me.

I’d love to hear from you and how you navigate social media with integrity these days. Connect with me on email: stormsistersconnection@gmail.com.

And let me know (via email) if you’d like to have a copy of Marriage in the Middle: Embracing Midlife Surprises, Challenges, and Joys by Dorothy Littell Greco. I’m giving away one copy.

Book Giveaway

I love that Dorothy Littell Greco has written an honest book about marriage for those of us who’ve been at it for a few decades. Even a 30+year marriage can (and should) grow.

Is midlife marriage a crisis or an opportunity? It’s both. Without a doubt, midlife will shake us to the core. Repeatedly. We will feel incompetent and overwhelmed on a regular basis. But we will also feel empowered and victorious as we overcome obstacles and learn how to do things we’ve never done before.

Every couple I interviewed faced the challenge and surprise of midlife head on, with their eyes and hearts wide open. They stayed engaged, exhibited resilience and malleability, and moved toward God and each other. They also refused to  allow their failures to define them and instead grieved their losses and course corrected. They grew and changed—individually and as a couple. (loc 2699-2706)

Lots of practical, real-life thinking in this book. And lots of encouragement to keep working at marriage even in mid-life.

I would love to give away one copy of this book. Email me and let me know how you discovered this blog: stormsistersconnection@gmail.com

Cheering you on as your seek to live connected, even in this digital, disgruntled world.



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Books with Friends

I’ve really struggled this summer to know how to write about all that swirls in our world.

For now, I’ve decided to write less and listen and read more. I know I have a lot to learn. So over these summer months, I read some books that friends recommended. Already this reading has led to some fruitful, one-on-one conversations.

Rather than heap more words in your inbox, I want to offer you a visual book review.

Multiple friends encouraged me to read The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery, and I finally did. So helpful to understand myself (positives and negatives) and those I love.
http://ow.ly/noWB50AMNOV





Several writing friends suggested I read Healing Racial Trauma: The Road to Resilience. I’m glad I did. It helped me see historical events through the eyes of a black woman who lived and suffered through them and found healing and strength in God. http://ow.ly/CipR50AMPB6





While reading a book on loyalty, I noticed the author’s frequent references to the biblical Book of Job so I dove in and read it several times. What a messy read, full of people thrashing around trying to find answers to the question: “Why is there suffering in this world?” I can relate. http://ow.ly/Sz2550AQrG





A friend at work gave me A Woman Is No Man after she finished it. What a poignant, fictional glimpse into the life of an Arab-American woman. Great to catch a glimpse of life for women in another culture and then talk to my friend about it.
http://ow.ly/MHDS50AMNzX





I read an early copy of The Business of Friendship: Making the Most of Our Relationships Where We Spend Most of Our Time and would love to talk with you about it. (It comes out in early August.) Lots to learn here, including that research concludes friendships at work actually benefit both employers and employees.
www.TheBusinessofFriendship.com

Let me know if you decide to read one of these titles. I would love to hear what you think. And, of course, let me know if you have a book suggestion.

Cheering you on as you seek to live connected, even in this pandemic world of ours.





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What to Do?

We have a rabbit situation in our backyard.

A few weeks ago we noticed four rabbits cavorting in our backyard every evening. We sat in our dining room and watched as they did acrobatics over each other. Wonderful quarantine entertainment!

Turns out all that leaping about is a mating ritual. Who knew?

A few days ago, our dog discovered a nest of baby bunnies snuggled into the pachysandra under a pine tree. Before I could catch him, Ringo had one in his mouth. I shouted at him, grabbed him, and forced him to let go of the tiny animal.

What should I do? I finally opted to leave the almost-bald creature with petite, well-formed ears and unopened eyes lying in the grass alone, hoping his mama would find him and nurture him back to health. Sigh!

So hard to know what to do for backyard bunnies, but I find it even harder these days to know what to do about real-life connections as restrictions begin to ease.

Can we actually get together in our yards now? How close can we sit? Should we wear masks? Should we share food?Should we say something if we see large gatherings of people? And how large is large?When can we safely travel out of state?What if people we know and love refuse to wear a mask?What if people we know and love feel nervous about getting together? What should we say/do?

As an introvert, I’ve so enjoyed this long stretch of quiet. I’ve found ways to stay connected to friends and even learned to embrace phone calls. Really! But I do long for face-to-face tea times, and I even dreamed about outlet shopping with a friend. I don’t want to let fear win and keep me from seeing friends again.

I just don’t know when or how yet.

At the moment I’m mulling over some words written by the Apostle Paul about a situation in the church at Rome that involved people clinging to different sets of rules for living as Christ-followers. Although this group of people didn’t bicker over wearing masks or social distancing, they did struggle with trying to live well among people with vastly different opinions. Paul advised:

Accept other believers who are weak in faith, and don’t argue with them about what they think is right or wrong. For instance, one person believes it’s all right to eat anything. But another believer with a sensitive conscience will eat only vegetables. Those who feel free to eat anything must not look down on those who don’t. And those who don’t eat certain foods must not condemn those who do, for God has accepted them.

(Romans 14:1-3, NLT)

Interesting! Getting along with people, even people who share the same faith, has always presented challenges and always will, no doubt.

So . . . we could decide to remain tucked away at home (an introvert’s dream) and avoid challenging interactions with people who have a different take on how to emerge from quarantine. Or we could gather our resolve and step into the peopled world, committed to asking good questions and responding with empathy, trying to put ourselves in another’s shoes.

How do you feel about getting together now?What do you think about bringing your own sandwich and beverage and lawn chair and sitting outside?What would you think if I wore (or didn’t wear) a mask?

As always, I’d love to hear from you. How are you navigating reconnection? Feel free to email me at: stormsistersconnection@gmail.com.

Cheering you on as you seek to live connected, even in these pandemic days.





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What Do You Need from Today?

A neighbor asked me recently, “How are you doing with all of this?”

I hung my head a bit and replied rather sheepishly, “I’m good! Truthfully, I’m happy with all this quiet.” Sheltering-at-home feels like my natural habitat. I have time to think, write, pray, listen to music, drink coffee . . .

But not everyone feels the same way. I know.

I asked that neighbor, “How are you doing with all of this?”

She responded, “This is HARD! I miss my friends! I miss seeing people face-to-face.”

Ah . . . the honest response of an extrovert, someone energized by time with people.

Some of you have full houses these days, brimming with constant Zoom calls and online everything. Others of you have households of one and find yourself immersed in an ocean of quiet. Introverts and extroverts find this a challenging time, but usually for very different reasons.

How do we introverts and extroverts live well with each other in this time?

I don’t know. (Sorry to disappoint if you wanted a clever, five-point answer.) I truly don’t know. I wake up every morning and pray and think and listen to worship music and then try to do the best I can in the day. Every day seems different. Often at the end of the day I fall into bed utterly exhausted, mostly from the sheer effort of navigating all the ups and downs and changes from the norm.

As I struggle to live well with those I love during this time, I have landed on one question I try to ask them and also ask myself: “What do you need from today?” I’ve discovered that the answer can vary day to day.

“I need to get dirt under my fingernails and do outside chores.”



“I need to get groceries. Wish me luck!”



“I need a long nap!”



“I need a good cup of flavored decaf coffee with cream.”



“I need a Diet Coke.”



“I need a few hours of quiet. Alone!”



“I need to take a long walk with someone.”



“I need to take a long walk alone.”



“I need a change of scenery, even if that means I drive to a parking lot and sit in my car and make a phone call.”



“I need to talk to a friend.”



“I need to have a day with NO Zoom calls.”



“I need to have a computer-free day.”



“I need to watch a little Hallmark and go to bed early.”



“I need to change my morning routine.’\”



“I need a view from my work space.”

Whimsy? Maybe. But sometimes in these trying times, little, silly things bring a big load of joy and seem to shorten long days.  

For many years I felt reticent to admit out loud that I needed something that might seem silly to other people—something like a few hours of quiet. I often simply swallowed that need and just went along with what other people needed. And I often ended up feeling frustrated and resentful.

And then I began to work on finding and owning my own voice, quiet though it is.

It all started when our nest emptied. John and I would get to the weekend, and he would say, “We can spend the whole weekend together!” I love my extroverted husband, and I love spending time with him, but I also know that I function better when I have at least a small part of every day to spend on my own in quiet.

Eventually I learned to say, “I love you, and I love spending time with you, but I also need a few hours on my own. Let’s agree to meet at 2 p.m. and then do something together.”

When we did then get together, I arrived happier because I came fueled by quiet.

So . . . in this pandemic, what do you need from today?

If you live in a busy household, how can you start this conversation with your family members? If you live alone, how can you talk with your friends and loved ones who don’t live with you about what you need?

Cheering you on as you seek to live connected, even in this crazy pandemic season.

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Coping

I struggle to find words these days and find that I lean
into some of my favorite words from my favorite book.

I remember my affliction and my wandering,
    the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
    and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind
    and therefore I have hope:

 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.”

 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
    to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord.

Lamentations 3:19-26, NIV

Rather than stick to the plan of writing about the word humble this month, I want to share with you some resources that I hope will encourage you on your unique virus-journey. Please know that I would LOVE to hear from you and how you are coping. Feel free to email me: stormsistersconnection@gmail.com

For Listening



John Michael Talbot’s album Signatures. At the moment this album, sung by an aging monk, has become my virus soundtrack. Beautiful, peaceful, soothing! I listen every morning and try to hand to God all that swirls.



Ann Kroeker, Writing Coach Podcast, Episode 223: “One Thing Writers Can Do in a Pandemic: Document the Days.” This podcast, aimed at writers, really speaks to all of us as we live through this time that will forever change our world. After listening to this podcast, I pulled out a journal and started to document my days. Join me? What is your unique story?



For Coloring

I find that I have to work at not dwelling in the land of “everything is going wrong!” Using this calendar helps me to find gratitude and perspective. Each day I write or draw one thing for which I feel grateful. I always find something! I have a printable PDF on my Facebook page.

For Reading

You Version Reading Plans and Devotionals. I have the YouVersion App on my phone. You can download it here. I’ve started reading this short, daily plan “From Anxiety to Peace.” You can choose from lots of other daily reading plans and even set up notification reminders and share a plan with friends. So good to have something in my head and heart other than virus news!

For Exercising

I just discovered this article, “Stuck Inside? 27 Experts Share Tips on the #1 Way You can Stay Active Indoors” by blogger Shawna Newman. It offers practical and fun ideas, including dance parties.

Readers Respond: Honesty

My friend Linda (L.Marie) recently wrote some honest words in her blog. I want to share part of that blog with you and follow it with a bit of a conversation I had with Linda about practicing honesty. 

. . . I also think of lemons because the sourness of life sucks
sometimes. I can’t help putting it that baldly. (Yes, baldly.) Jobs are
lost. People you love face health issues or are in emotional pain. These
moments are the “shut the book, Dad” moments Samwise Gamgee talked about
in Lord of the Rings—the moments when you’re not sure
everything will turn out right. I’m in that kind of moment right now. Maybe one
day, I’ll provide the full details. But I wanted to write about it in the
moment—when a happy ending isn’t a guarantee—because often you hear stories of
triumph after the fact, after the darkness has passed and the “sun shines all
the clearer”—another quote given to Samwise, this time in The Two Towers:

I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you.

These words gives me hope when life hands out lemons. May they enable you to keep pressing on in a sour/dark time of your own.

Afton: So what compelled you to
write honestly in your blog?

Linda: I wrote the blog post
because I felt God wanted me to be real, even if I didn’t go into specifics.
This has been a challenging season . . .

Afton: Love that you could find a way to speak honestly without giving specifics. So often we think we have to tell it all, but we can paint with broad strokes, especially when part of our struggle connects to stories that don’t belong to us.

Linda: Exactly. There are some things family members are going through that I don’t have permission to share in a blog post. I can only share my pain or confusion about life right now as I wait for a resolution.

Afton: And what happened as a
result of your honest post?

Linda: A number of people who read the post emailed to show their support or sent cards. Some even shared their challenges with me. Many are facing open-ended traumas. They don’t know how the story will end. They’re dealing with the struggle one day at a time. That sounds like a cliché. But it’s true.

Afton: Being honest in real-life
can feel challenging but being honest in print can feel even more daunting. Was
it worth it?

Linda: It was worth it. I honestly didn’t expect anything from anyone when I wrote the post. I didn’t write it for a response. I wrote it because I knew God wanted me to be honest about where I am right now. There are so many stories of triumph out there. And I celebrate them. But sometimes we struggle without knowing how it will all end. I can’t help thinking of this as a Joseph-in-prison time. Joseph had no idea when or if he would ever be released from prison; no idea that one day Pharaoh would have a dream the interpretation of which would open the prison door.

Afton: So true! We do struggle with not knowing how it will all end! Thanks so much for your honest words, Linda! Grateful for you and your gift of words.

Words from John

I so enjoy pulling my husband into the blog. Hope you do too.

Words for 2020: Honest

Honest. What a challenging word to write about, especially in this tense political climate. We could talk about this word from so many angles, but I want to settle on just one. I want to talk about honesty in terms of lack of image management. In other words, “what you see is what you get.”

I listen to Francesca Batestelli’s song “If We’re Honest” over and over. Her
lyrics challenge me and have become a marching song for me—something I want to
incorporate into my personal mission statement. She writes:  

I’m a mess and so are you

We’ve build walls nobody can get through

Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do

Bring your brokenness, and I’ll bring mine

‘Cause love can heal what hurt divides

And mercy’s waiting on the other side

If we’re honest

If we’re honest

Francesca Battistelli – If We’re Honest (Live)
Licensed to YouTube by PEDL, Capitol CMG Publishing, Warner Chappell, EMI Music Publishing, and 4 Music Rights Societies

Bring your brokenness—what a concept! I find that easier
said than done.

We all struggle to see, let alone tell someone else, about
our broken places. But we all have them, don’t we?

I once had a conversation with a woman at a retreat that
still rings in my head. She mentioned that she struggles to let people see her not-so-perfect
places because she loves God and feels that if she appears less than perfect,
her God appears the same way.

She said so well exactly what I’ve felt. I don’t want to dishonor God down by admitting that I have hard things in my life. Somehow I convinced myself that if I love God, my life should look perfect. Eek!

And then when life unraveled, as
it always does, I faced a choice. I could either keep working on image
management (spin in political terms), or I could just admit to myself,
others, and to God that I felt broken.

I tried pushing everything inside
and ended up sinking into depression.

Then I tried practicing honesty.

I started by asking myself, “How do I feel—really—about what is going on in my life?” NOT “How do I think I SHOULD feel about what is going on in my life?” Big difference in those two questions.

Then, I learned to talk to God about how I really feel and ask for His help. I model my words after ones I read in the Bible, including these from Lamentations 3: 1-3 (NLT):

I am the one who has seen the afflictions
    that come from the rod of the Lord’s anger.
He has led me into darkness,
    shutting out all light.
He has turned his hand against me
    again and again, all day long.

Lamentations 3:1-3, NLT

Wow! Pretty raw and real.

Finally, I keep working on talking honestly to other people who care about me. Interesting that for me saying out loud to another person, “I struggle with ____________” takes the most courage.

I can talk truth with myself and with God, but talking truth with another person still gives me pause. So much could go wrong.

I could become the object of the rumor mill.

I could suffer rejection from friends who just don’t
understand or have the capacity to care.

I could lose my status in the eyes of others, particularly
Christians, as a “together” person.

Lots to lose.

But also lots to gain.

John Stott, one of my favorite theologians, said it this way:

We need to buckle on ourselves the belt of truth, transparent openness and honesty and integrity. The very first piece of the Christians’ armor, in spiritual health as in mental health—honesty about oneself—is indispensable, and if we pretend to be other than we are, we are simply asking for trouble.

Sermon at All Soul’s Church in London on Sun 23 Mar 1975.

Oh, yes! When I practice honesty well, both my
mental health and my spiritual health prosper. When I don’t practice it well, I
turn inward and begin to resemble an imploding building.

Honest. A word I want to
include in my personal mission statement. How about you?

Your Turn

Contact me with your thoughts at: stormsistersconnection@gmail.com. I’ll publish an end-of-the-month blog with reader responses.

I would love to learn from some of you about
how you’ve incorporated or struggled to incorporate honesty into your
relationships. I realize that not everyone loves to write (!) so feel free to record
a short video on your phone if that works better. No pressure!

Try these prompts if you feel so inclined:

*Do you remember a specific moment when a
friend spoke honestly about a struggle? What happened to your friendship as a
result?

*Why do we who love God feel as if we have to
manage our image in order to manage His image?

Resource

Our friend, Stephen Maret, a college professor of Psychology recommended a podcast that I have come to really appreciate. In the four sessions I’ve listened to, therapist Adam Young has talked with guests who learned to tell their honest stories of trauma, particularly childhood trauma. These middle-aged men and women have found the courage to revisit their younger selves with an honest look,  and they have found such joy and freedom. So worth a listen!

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Readers Respond to My 2020 Words

In my January blog, I wrote, “I
would love to hear from some of you about how you intentionally connect and
why it matters to you.” 

Every month I hope to publish a Readers Respond blog with some of your perspectives. I learn so much from hearing other people’s stories.

This month I want to introduce you to some of my friends, including my best friend and dear husband. He works hard at nurturing friendships, something men don’t often allow themselves the time to do. And he has a delightful, unique sense of humor.

AFTON: I love that you work to stay connected to a handful of male friends. Why does that matter so much to you?

JOHN: God has placed some remarkable men in my life over the years. Most are not local, and we are all busy, so we have to work to keep our connection alive. But it’s so important to me. As close as I am to you, my wife, I cannot rely on you for everything I need relationally. These men are fun to be with, share some interests that I don’t have in common with you (like sports), and most importantly, through their words and example, keep pointing me toward Christ and hold me accountable.

I can’t overstate the importance of men being in accountable relationships with other men . . . someone who will call you out and try to reign you in if you start to go off the rails. I think when men blow up their lives through stupid decisions, it often starts because they were not in accountable relationships with other men.

AFTON: And do you have a favorite way to connect with these friends?

JOHN: One is to send a brief text. Often I have little to say, but the act of texting itself demonstrates that I am thinking of that person and I want to be connected. It means I am not breaking their stride with a phone call.

AFTON: And your texts often have, shall I say, a certain flair to them?

JOHN: Yeah, though sometimes my texts contain brief updates or details or ask questions, many are just goofy. They could be emojis, funny quotes, or calling up a shared memory of something crazy that happened between us. In a recent exchange, one friend even did karaoke by text. It’s actually a little fun to try and outdo one another in making the other laugh.

Texting is mostly about tapping people on the shoulder, so they know they are being thought of, respected, loved, cherished. I think humor often has a good way of communicating that.

AFTON: I’ve watched you also work hard to stay connected to long-distance friends by scheduling trips. You do love to travel!

JOHN: I used to find myself often saying that thing we always say, “Hey, we should get together . . .” but with no action step attached to it. I wanted to stop that.

For example, I have a close friend who lives a thousand miles away. We have set up a system where we see each other twice per year. I go to see him a weekend in May, and he comes to see me the weekend before Thanksgiving. 

Of course, life happens and that schedule does not always work, but when that occurs, we are rescheduling something instead of starting from scratch and scheduling it. Rescheduling happens way more easily.

I have found the act of telling someone that I want that level of regular communication profoundly grows my friendships. I am communicating to that person: “You are really important to me.”

AFTON: Thanks for being on the blog! I’m so grateful for your commitment to friendship. I know that it strengthens our marriage.

Roberta

 I will try to connect this month with friends on my days off, maybe a different friend every week. 

So far, I have had lunch with a former co-worker who used to be part of our monthly Mom’s play group.  (Our kids range in age from 24 to 32.)  I did Jazzercise with my former neighbor who used to live across the street. I connected by phone with one of Mom’s dear friends from her childhood days in Chadron, Nebraska, who now lives in a retirement community in Spokane. 

Sharla Fritz www.sharlafritz.com

I love quiet. I love time by myself. But too much of a good
thing can be–too much! Lately, I”ve been spending a lot of time with my
nose in books and my fingers on my computer keyboard as I research and write a
new book. It’s work I love, but I started to feel blue and out of sorts. I
wondered: Why am I feeling this way? Then I realized that it
had been a long time since I had a face-to-face conversation with a friend. My
blue feelings were emotions of disconnection. 

Thankfully, that very week I had a scheduled meeting with a
friend. As we caught up over steaming cups of coffee, I could feel my spirits
lift. We didn’t talk about anything profound, neither one of us had a life
crisis–but sharing our disappointments and joys made a huge
difference in my disposition. 

I need quiet. I need time by myself. But I also need time to
connect with friends! 

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