Susan Mary Malone's Blog: Happiness is a Story, page 27

THE QUEST PART 5: Villains, Betrayals and Trials

So we’re well on our way now.  The journey has begun, we’re committed, we’ve bumped into allies where help has come from the oddest of places.  We’re learning new skills, starting to be pretty danged fat and sassy with our decisions and path.  The world is our oyster!  What could possibly go wrong?

Plenty.  Of course!  Because that’s what the journey is about.  Tough to really learn those new skills and strengths without tribulations and trials.

 

And the roughest part of this, for me anyway, is walking straight into bad guys.  Those pesky villains who try and thwart your progress, whether overtly or covertly.

 

Without bad guys though, we’d have no story.  And no one to challenge us to become better.

 

Often, adding insult to injury, the villains on our path had masqueraded as friends before.  And the closer the friend, the more the betrayal hurts. 

 

You know the old saying: When you go through a trial, you find out who your friends are.  Yep.  How often when you’re embroiled in something really messy, do the folks whom you thought had your back just disappear?  Or, poke holes in your plan, in the guise of “wanting the best for you”?

 

You know that scenario.  Whether you’re embarking on a fitness plan and the husband gets threatened (most likely by how the idea of a fit and beautiful you will bring other male attention) and brings you chocolates?  Or you decide, finally, to write that book, and a writer “friend” shoots down the idea?

 

Or of course when faced with something quite serious like an illness or a lawsuit, etc., and the friends or family you need aren’t there.  Or worse, take the other side . . .

 

Isn’t this always just a shock?  But it’s part of the process.  And gives you another opportunity for Grief work.  Because that person isn’t who you thought he was, and you have to grieve that loss. The sooner the better, or otherwise you’ll carry it with you.  And you don’t have the luxury of that, because you’ll need all your resources and strength to fight the battles ahead.

 

And the funny thing is, whether in myths or stories or books or real life, the outer dragons mirror your inner demons.  Otherwise they wouldn’t be dragons in your world in the first place.  What’s a demon to one can be an angel to another . . .

 

But these dragons are parts of our inner and hidden selves.  The foibles we didn’t know we had, or thought they were minor little devils that didn’t affect us.  Only to find that oh, my, this is an entire complex!  Wow, didn’t see that one coming!

 

We’re all familiar with the idea of the shadow, and of projecting that onto others.  I.e., what angers us about another is within ourselves or we wouldn’t care.  It’s all about the fragile little ego inside each of us.  And psychologically speaking, the dragon is one’s own binding to that ego. 

 

Danged dragon!

 

It’s a lot easier to slay him if he isn’t a part of you in the first place.  But, he is.

 

But the really good news about this is, once you slay it (and you must, or your story is basically over.  I.e., you quit this quest and go back to the mundane of life), its strength becomes yours.  Or, as Joseph Campbell said:

“The demon that you can swallow gives you its power, and the greater life’s pain, the greater life’s reply.”

 

Puts it into perspective, no?

 

And the self pity that came with it dissipates into thin air . . .

 

How do you deal with betrayal?

 

 

The post THE QUEST PART 5: Villains, Betrayals and Trials appeared first on Susan Mary Malone.

THE QUEST PART 4: Allies, Motivators and Inspiration

Okay, so you’ve re-committed after those early annoyances (which can be more than minor irritants, but are just a taste of things to come), and are back on the journey.  Yeah!

You know the funny thing about when you commit, truly commit, to the journey, you walk through some sort of supernatural portal. Or, it can sure feel that way. 

 

Like, remember in Star Wars when the characters have all signed on, and head out to parts unknown?  They stop off at that crazy bar.  Filled with creatures of all aspects and descriptions and eyeballs.  Lots of eyeballs.  I’m not exactly sure why that’s what I remember but I do!

 

Anyway, here our heroes are going, what the ??

 

Haven’t you had that experience?  You’ve begun the journey to your dream, and walk into the coffee shop and it’s filled with strangers where once you knew everybody?  It’s that ‘where am I’ sort of feeling.  The realization that ‘Toto, we’re not in Kansas anymore.’ 

 

But almost always someone you didn’t know walks up and offers you a map of some sort.  You’re in the bookstore and this wizened old man asks what you’re looking for, and knows just the tome to find your answers.  You’re putting a piece together for your new business and find someone online who’s walked this very path and says, “Oh, here’s what you need.”  You decide to write a book and the perfect mentor shows up, almost out of thin air.

 

I always loved this quote by Patanjali:  “When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds: Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great, and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be.”

 

And for whatever reason, those dormant forces bring with them these types of allies.

 

Some of the helpers show up and disappear, and you wonder if they were ever real at all.  Angels sometimes walk amongst us to then vanish without a trace.  The nurse who prayed over your bedside and you immediately felt well, then when you asked of her, no one had ever worked at the hospital with that description.  A supernatural being?  Who knows.  But often even the “real” ones take a hike out of your story and don’t come back.

 

But a lot of them stick around for the journey, helping you in this way or that, teaching you, offering you lessons to learn parts of whatever you’re needing to succeed on this quest. 

 

And often they truly seem to fall out of the sky.

 

Way back when, when I quit my executive position, moved to the farm, and began my writing career, I saw in the paper (yes, the stone ages, pre-Internet!) a tiny ad for a writer’s conference.  I just happened to catch it, as living out in the middle of nowhere, I didn’t have much access to the Ft. Worth newspaper.  And this tiny ad was only run once.

 

But that led me to go to the conference, where I found to my delight a writer’s workshop, which I joined.  And that led to meeting a host of publishing folks, ultimately to a literary agent, and finally to a publishing contract.  All allies on my quest, indeed.

 

A similar thing happened last summer, when I was speaking at a literary conference, and led to a meeting with a blogging coach and a new publisher and . . . well, my life took a different direction.

 

Serendipity?  Supernatural energy?  A guardian angel of the arts looking after me? 

 

Who knows!  I don’t question anymore.

 

What I do know for true, however, is that once you go through that portal into a new dimension, natural laws seem bent a bit differently, and the allies you need show up.  Look for them.

 

Who has helped you on your path?

 

 

The post THE QUEST PART 4: Allies, Motivators and Inspiration appeared first on Susan Mary Malone.

THE QUEST PART 3: Annoyances

Okay, so that thing called your name.  Insistently.  Persistently.  Wouldn’t let you go.  And despite all your best efforts to avoid it, something bumped you over the bridge and you’ve accepted the call.

Yahoo!  You’re on your path!  This is your destiny, the course to bring out your potential, launch you smooth into that dream you were meant to realize.  You’re following your bliss!  Self-satisfied, you set out on your quest.

 

And what happens next?  Everything turns to crap.  Just crap.  The bridge falls out beneath you.  The road deadends.  The guru who talked you into this disappears into the ethers.  Your walking stick (sword, laser gun, computer) breaks in two.

 

What the ???  This is what I’m supposed to be doing, right?  Wasn’t I led (pushed, pulled) this direction?  Didn’t the gods, God, The Force, Neptune, some supernatural something put me on this path?  Did I read it wrong?

 

Yep, that’s what always happens.  Just about the time you’ve truly committed to the journey, all hell breaks loose.  It’s like a preordained prescription.  The script, page 20, calls for the bottom to fall out.

 

I can’t tell you why that happens, except that it just does.  Myths always go this way, and of course, myths are just the making sense of our experience of life, which folks in all cultures started to notice and retell.  They’re kinda like a blueprint for the human experience.  Sort of Adriane’s ball of thread given to Theseus so he could find his way back out of the maze.  Because we’re all, when truly following our destinies, on the hero’s path.

 

Most often these, ah hum, “irritants” are just that—of the annoying variety.  You decide to write a novel and your computer dies.  You go into the baking business and your oven fizzles out.  You decide to start blogging and your Internet just spins and spins and . . .

 

You decide to hike the Pacific Rim Trail a la Wild, and your kid gets mono.  You know—nothing life-threatening, but enough to postpone your trip indefinitely.

 

I always think of this time as when the trickster comes into the tale.  Whether the clown in Celtic myths or often a crow in Native American ones, this being enters with nefarious motivation, which we can’t see at first due to its masks.  We find out later that it really wasn’t a bird, but a witchdoctor of some sort come to pour salt into the batter and turn it to brine. 

 

And what often pisses me off is that said trickster, when nailed, and questioned as to why, always answers with some form of: “Because I could!”

 

The trickster himself never has a reason.  He just is.

 

But I’ve come to believe he actually does have one.  Because it’s through this $%!&! being, and overcoming his trials, that we more deeply and firmly commit to the journey.  This is a small test, and some folks do abdicate at this point.  I often hear it from the standpoint of: “Obviously this wasn’t meant to be.”  Or, “God is showing me not to do this.”  Etc., etc.  Or a million other different seemingly valid reasons.

 

But wait just a doggone minute.  My question is always (to others and myself): “How do you know it wasn’t mean to be?  Is this from the same God who told you to do it in the first place?  You sure it’s not just that old trickster swooping in to see if you’re serious?”

 

Because that’s the trickster’s role—to see if you actually mean it.

 

The second reason for his being—and I’m being quite generous to that irritating bastard, as if he did this to help us (fat chance! LOL)—is to give us a taste for what’s ahead.  You believe this road is filled with primroses?  Then come a bit closer, my little pretty . . .  It’s a warning to keep your wits about you, or you may stop to smell the poppies a la Dorothy and them, and fall asleep in the drug’s deceiving scent. Which in myths and fairy tales, just means to go unconscious, for whatever reason.

 

But we grow by overcoming, which is the essence of any quest.  And this gives us a glimpse into the trials and tribulations ahead, albeit a fairly benign look.  Because those we’ll face down the road will be fraught with far more peril . . .

 

And finally, it presents for the first time that question, which Nietzsche calls Amor Fati, the love of your fate: Do you have the courage to truly undertake this? Because as he says, if you say no to a single factor, you’ve just unraveled the whole thing . . .   

 

So, attend to the annoyances.  Out-wit the trickster (I dare you to try!).  Give as little emotional valence as you possibly can to these early irritants, but learn from them.

 

And be grateful for experience.  It will, as everything on this road, serve you well.

 

 

 

The post THE QUEST PART 3: Annoyances appeared first on Susan Mary Malone.

The Quest Part 2: Accepting the Challenge

So you heard the call, loud and clear.  Your calling spoke to you, showed you the task ahead.  And while at first it sounded great, every pee-pickin’ reason in the world arose as to why you could not accomplish this.

So there you sit.  Pulled in two directions as if on a medieval rack.  Okay, so that’s a bit extreme, but it can sure feel that drastic. 

 

You can of course truly refuse at this point—many people do.  Finding the courage to become your own hero and face the challenge takes fortitude indeed.

 

If you’re really lucky, you hear the literal voice of God at this point—as Moses did.  Again, God wasn’t so impressed with Moses’ litany of (quite apropos) reasons why he couldn’t accomplish the task.  But God just basically said, “It’s you.  Put your travelin’ sandals on.  But have no fear—I’ll be with you.”  Now, that’s pretty stellar comfort indeed.

 

Usually though, we don’t get such clear direction.  But if you’re listening, guidance comes nevertheless.  Sometimes it’s one thing.  Often, however, a series of events conspire to propel you down the right path.

 

The right book is dropped into your hands.  I have a wonderful editorial client who was a two-pack-a-day smoker, had never had one athletic bone in her body, worked feverishly as a nurse to take care of herself and her husband, who after an injury found himself disabled and in chronic pain.  She stumbled (quite literally) into a new-thought seminar.  It started her on an arduous road of self-discovery—at which she excelled.  Which culminated at the summit of Mt. Everest.  Literally.

 

Or, something stabs right into your conscience, and you cannot say no.  A friend who had been a sometimes runner was challenged to a marathon.  Which although seemed sexy at first, she refused flatly (maturely, she said) in the harsh light of day. Then her sister was diagnosed with breast cancer, and she trained (and finished) the Susan G Koman Race for the Cure.

 

It can be something seemingly tiny, but which won’t let you up.  For me, I knew that voice whispering to me in the night, the one saying, you must write.   Not that I hadn’t written a ton, but I’d let the business of this business get me down, let it break my heart, and my own work got pushed aside as I helped others realize their writing dreams. 

 

Yet that voice kept coming, often when I was completely unawares (it tends to do that).  My purpose lay fallow.  That I knew this consciously wasn’t of much consolation.  And, it didn’t silence that voice.

 

With this as the backdrop I spoke at a Literary Conference and ran into two wonderful acquaintances—Renee Groskreutz of I Teach Blogging and Evelyn Bird of White Bird Publications.  Both presented me with paths to my goal, which intertwined across and around and through one another.  And I knew.  The dream crystalized.

 

And of course excuses then crashed to the surface.   For goodness sakes, I already knew the hazards of this road, knew the monsters to be feared and faced.  I was not a virgin author.

 

My belief is that when Jesus said turn the other cheek, he wasn’t talking about letting someone smack that one as well.  But rather, that by turning, even the slightest smidge, our focus changes.  And then we see those things that before had been hidden. 

 

As I drove home after the conference that day, my vision cleared.  I saw things from a different angle. And I knew, viscerally, every cell of my body in sync, where my future lay.  I saw it clearly.  And despite all the insanity of my life, I would write.  Again, and forever, as long as I drew breath.  It is my purpose.  One perhaps that I’d let the mundane obscure, but now the veil had cleared.

 

And I took the first step.

 

What excuses do you let get in your way?

 

The post The Quest Part 2: Accepting the Challenge appeared first on Susan Mary Malone.

THE QUEST Part One: The Call

You know when the call comes, don’t you?  That voice, quiet, in the recesses of your mind, filtering up from the heart and never the loud one (that one is spelled EGO) but the soft, still, albeit insistent whisper that says, “Do X.”

And X is always that thing you think you can’t do.  It’s the, “Okay, God, you want me to do what?  I think perhaps you’re confused today.   You meant that message for Paula, sitting right over there,” finger pointing, “see her?  Yeah, you meant for her to do X.  Why, let me just trot over there and tell her.”

Because by not following that guidance, you fall back instead to telling everyone else how to live their lives.  No?  Isn’t it so much easier to fix everybody else’s world than your own?  It’s so danged clear!

But that won’t make that voice go away.  Ignoring it certainly mutes the words.  Burying it keeps it at conscious bay.  Refusing to follow will keep one’s fears under lock and key.  But rest assured, all of that is buried but not dead.  And the undead, like the zombies so in vogue, have pesky little ways of running amok.

One thing I know for true—we’re all on a hero’s quest.  That’s what this life is about.  Life is a winding, twisting, sometimes torturous plot.  But it’s in that very plot where the richness lies, just as it does in myths and stories.

We all have our own “stuff” to overcome.  We all have our wisdom to seek, our foibles to surmount, our brass rings at the end of the day to grasp.  No matter what one’s life is about on the surface, to fully live it, that quest must be taken.

Of course it’s perfectly normal (and played out through every quest ever taken) that the hero first refuses the call.  It occurs in every good story we experience.  From some of our earliest known writings, this first act of the play bears out.  I mean, look at Moses, saying, “You know, God, you didn’t mean me to lead these folks.”  The quote in Exodus actually goes:  “Pardon your servant, Lord. Please send someone else.” 

Boy, do we know that one!

God wasn’t terribly swayed.  And nothing about that has changed today.

That quest is that thing put before you.  You know it in your heart.  It may be through your profession.  Or not.  It may be climbing Mount Everest (literally), or descending into the darkness of that night into your very soul.  It may be saving the world, or saving yourself.  But you hear its call, you hear that voice.  Hopefully before it becomes a zombie and eats your toes.

Because that gets all green and icky with more bodily fluids described than I care to get into, whether literally or figuratively.

We never want to begin it.  Embarking on one’s true calling is never easy.  It is a path fraught with demons, the way marked with potholes and mountains, temptations that boggle the mind.  But it is, in the end, the only path worth taking.

And while the quest is certainly a lonely and solitary one, as Joseph Campbell said:

“Furthermore, we have not even to risk the adventure alone, for the heroes of all time have gone before us.  The labyrinth is thoroughly known.  We have only to follow the thread of the hero path, and where we had thought to find an abomination, we shall find a god. And where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves.  Where we had thought to travel outward, we will come to the center of our own existence.  And where we had thought to be alone, we will be with all the world.” 

What is that Call you’ve been denying?

 

 

 

The post THE QUEST Part One: The Call appeared first on Susan Mary Malone.

THE QUEST: Introduction

We’re all on a journey.  Life is just made of such, no?  About the time we think we’ve arrived somewhere, another path opens wide.  Another goal to pursue.  Another dream to follow.  As T.S. Eliot said, “What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.”

Otherwise, we’re dead.  At least metaphorically!  Which then leads to the reality before we know it.

 

Often the beginning of a year starts us on such a venture.  We focus on new goals, on where we want to be this time next annum.  Whether it’s returning to school, studying something new, focusing on fitness, deciding to scale the nearest mountain or the tallest peak on this planet, finally tackling that book we’ve been promising to write—whatever the purpose—we’re finally ready to start.

 

And whether we’re shooting for Olympic gold or laying down an old unforgiving habit, each time we begin a new pursuit with a brass ring to grasp, we’ve just embarked on a hero’s quest.  Because anything worth doing falls into that category.  The ultimate goal: To achieve that thing that makes our lives better.  And when we do that, we make the world better.  What we teach ourselves (positively) enhances mankind.

 

Because as the psychologist Carl Jung said, while we may be the heroes of our own stories, at the same time we’re also the spear chuckers in someone else’s.  We’re all one big part of an interweaving web.

 

And the funny thing is, once we commit to whatever that thing is, no matter how lofty or seemingly small the ambition, the journey takes us on a well-worn path.  One that’s been trekked, psychologically speaking, by way-showers before us.  It may seem as though no one has hiked this very trail (and by all rights, every track is different in that nobody’s walking shoes are quite the same, nor hit identical pebbles), the essence of our aspirations share common forks in the road.

 

That’s what makes the hero’s quest universal.  Myths provide the framework for the stories of our lives.  Their protagonists follow real steps—the ones that we all face, and someone encountered before us.  Myths teach us how to live a human life, no matter which paths we take. 

 

As Joseph Campbell said, “The adventure of the hero is ultimately the adventure of being alive.” 

 

All stories have a beginning, middle, and end.  But it’s in the details where life is lived, no?  So let’s take a look at those details.  Studying them, breaking them down, provides a wide-ranging map to guide us through the rough spots, prepare for what’s ahead, inspire us to continue when the slogging gets messy or tough.  Heroes have gone before us.  I’m all for learning from them! 

 

And what better time than the new year to get on with it.  What better time to embark!  Whether your quest takes you a month or all year matters not.  What matters now is to begin it.

 

So come along and let’s start our journey.  Lace up those running shoes.  Sharpen those pencils.  We’ll see how others did it, day by day, over the next few weeks.  And delve into our own stories, in a multi-part series.

 

As Goethe said, “Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”

 

Come along and let’s take off!

 

 

 

 

 

The post THE QUEST: Introduction appeared first on Susan Mary Malone.

MAKE YOUR OWN NO-RESOLUTION LIST

It’s that time of year!  Not the holiday part, but the after effects.  Once the turkey’s all eaten, the presents open, the champagne savored, and the NYC ball dropped, what comes next?

Diets, that’s what.  The most god-awful invention on the planet.  Or, sobriety.  Which is better, but in this context, probably not lasting.  Or even better, I’m gonna be a nicer person all year, just as I was through the holidays (if you were!  LOL). 

 

Because along with all the fudge and adult beverages, we pretty much all carry with us the Norman Rockwell version of what the holiday season is all about.  And if you watch TV, you’re simply bombarded with it.

 

And while I’m all about being nicer all the time, resolving to do so starting January 1 (or 2.  We always give ourselves through the actual 1st, as it’s a holiday and  . . .  well, you know the drill!) is a recipe for failure.

 

And we know this through scientific studies.  Yes!  Always a study out there    According to researcher John Norcross and his colleagues, who published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology

 

And only 8% actually succeed in achieving said resolutions.  No wonder that diet failed on day 3!

 

But my favorite statistic is that the less happy you are, the more likely you are to set New Year’s Resolutions.  And the kicker?  Those who actually succeed in their resolutions are NO happier than those who do not.  Wow!  

 

And I’m all about being happy 

 

Now of course, theories abound as to why all this is so.  You make too many of them.  You don’t focus on the one that matters most.  Yada, yada, yada.  But I think all those reasons are wrong.

 

The real reason?  Twofold:

 

First, it starts tomorrow. Or next week.   In effect, anytime but right now.  Not even today, but right now, this minute.

 

Because we live in this moment.  We can regret the past or worry about the future, but those are not actually real.  This is the only instant that matters—right now.  This is it.  This very second is eternity.  If you don’t get it now, you don’t get it ever. 

 

So if I plan to give up carbs January 2, I’ve already doomed myself to failure.

 

I can’t even count how many times I’ve vowed to start a diet on that date!  LOL.  But I no longer believe in diets.  Period.  They make you fat and unhappy.  But that’s another discussion!

 

Second, say you vow to live a more fulfilling life. Which is a nice goal. And you have translated it to specifics: I am going to write that book this year.

 

And therein you’ve just doomed yourself to failure again.  Because writing a book (or anything you are looking at doing—I just know a little about this one J looks like climbing Mt. Everest when you finally start on it.  And just think if you decided you really wanted to attempt Everest but hadn’t even taken a rock-climbing lesson, much less hiked a closer hill?  How successful does that sound?

 

The point is, we succeed when we break our goals down into achievable baby steps.

 

For example, instead of intending to write that book, go right now—right this minute—and google writer’s workshops in your area.  Identify a class and sign up for it—today if enrollment is open.

 

Eat that piece of fudge.  No guilt.  Guilt is a great sabotage for your goals.  And then when you’re hungry again, choose differently.  You can always choose differently—but only in the moment itself.

 

Today.  Now.  Take that first step right this moment. 

 

Do you make New Year’s Resolutions?

The post MAKE YOUR OWN NO-RESOLUTION LIST appeared first on Susan Mary Malone.

HAPPY HOLY DAYS!

Christmas is almost here!  Who knew!  Tomorrow to be exact.  And while I have no clue how this happens, it seems every year it sneaks right up on a host of us.

And I know a lot of folks have a really tough time around the holidays.  Many, many people spend the holidays alone.  Many are sick.  Many don’t get to see loved ones.  And for a lot of folks, the lack of a Norman Rockwell-like scene brings depression and sadness.

 

Even for those surrounded by friends and family, that sadness can settle in.  We have this idea of what Christmas, especially, should look like.  All the commercials show it, no?  How through the hustle and bustle, that service man gets home to play Santa.  Or the prodigal brother arrives just in time for egg nog. 

 

Movies are filled with it too.  I’ll never forget that scene in Shenandoah on Christmas Eve when the son arrives sans leg and walks into the church.  Yep, now that’s the miracle of Christmas.

 

We all cry at that stuff (oh, admit it—you do!).  No matter what one’s beliefs or holiday practices, some things just resonate with the heart.

 

We live in a Christian country.  From childhood on we’re steeped in Christian images.  The old ‘one nation under God’ statement we all grew up with in grade school.  And of course, this meant the white-haired man in the sky.  Nativity scenes fill yards and schools, and the carols we sing are mostly about the baby Jesus.  We just grow up thinking that’s what faith is.

 

It’s ingrained in us.  I.e., if you don’t believe in the Christian God, you don’t believe in God.

 

It’s usually a shock to find out that others have a different idea of God, and believe it just as fervently!

 

And with that comes this picture as well of what Christmas is supposed to look like.  Because along with baby Jesus in the manger, and gifts of Frankincense and Myrrh, come blessings on those of good will.

 

We all feel that good will.  It’s instilled in us, even if some grow up to be Buddhists.  At this time of year, we all want peace on earth. 

 

And Norman Rockwell.  I’ve yet to meet the person who doesn’t want the painter’s version in our very homes.

 

Sometimes it happens.  Most times, well, life is a bit more complicated . . .

 

Following the un-realization of the perfect image, for whatever reason, comes the blues.

 

My own life has changed drastically over the last five years, with the loss of our parents.  Our family has somewhat fractured, as families often do.  But my holidays are always still filled with those I love.  We laugh, we feast, we know how blessed we are.

 

The Winter Solstice brings with it the return of the sun.  The date of Christmas piggybacked onto these ancient celebrations already in progress around this time.  My Jewish friends of course celebrate Hanukah.

 

Symbolically, all of these festivals, in one form or another, celebrate the Return of the Light.  The reentering of consciousness into what was a dark world indeed.

 

So just know that if you’re feeling blue, the Light, whatever you believe it to be, has indeed returned.

 

In this season of rejoicing and family and friends, all loved ones true, I wish for you all the beauty these Holy Days bring.  All the true goodness of Christmas, the gratitude of the Hanukah Lights, the return of the life-giving sun.

 

I wish for you all good and holy things. 

 

And on these holiest of times, as all the days of the year, I pray for Peace on Earth.

 

See you next year!

 

The post HAPPY HOLY DAYS! appeared first on Susan Mary Malone.

HOW TO SHOW YOUR LOVE

I had the best visit with good friends Charlotte and Sara yesterday!  We always have a great time.  We break bread together, have an adult beverage or two, but mainly sit and visit and laugh.

And it got me to thinking that’s my favorite way of showing (and receiving) love—to share of ourselves.  To be full present with one another.

 

And, mainly, to listen.  We take the time to hear what the other is saying, to think about it, to ask questions about whatever is occurring in one another’s lives at the time.

 

We got to laughing about the differences in the ways men and women communicate as well.  Isn’t it always funny when a man talks to someone, and you ask basic questions about the person and the man looks baffled?  I mean, the really basic stuff, like how’s his wife?  Etc.

 

When you question said man as to why he didn’t ask said things, he’ll often reply, “I didn’t want to be nosey.”  !!

 

There really is a difference in being nosy, and asking questions because you care . . .

 

Most people are desperate for someone to actually listen to them.  As humans, we want to be heard.  We all have a deep need to communicate, and to feel that another person has actually taken the time to listen to and hear our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. 

 

As Stephen Covey said in the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood. . . . To feel understood is the deepest psychological need. . . . Understanding comes through listening. . . . Most people listen with the intent to respond instead of listening with the intent to understand.”  

 

I often get tickled when out somewhere, as I was this morning at Starbucks treating myself to a latte on account of we had to go to the vet (another story entirely!), and while waiting I eavesdrop on a conversation or two.  The one this morning, between two women, went like this:

 

“I had the worst time yesterday!  My husband watched football all day and wouldn’t even talk to me,” said the red-head.

 

“You think you have it bad, my mother-in-law called to announce exactly what I was to bring to the holiday dinner, no exceptions!” the blonde said.

 

“And my dog had the runs,” the red-head added.

 

“I have to go to the stupid doctor tomorrow,” huffed the blonde.

 

Now, okay, I’m there for five minutes or so, and their conversation continues in this manner.  Did either of them pay the slightest attention to the other’s woes?

 

Nada.  I swear I think one of them could have said she had Ebola and the other would have talked about her new shoes.

 

And sadly, this is much more common than the converse!  No wonder everyone is desperate to be heard—no one listens.

 

Listening truly is active.  It’s rephrasing what the other person said so you be sure you understood.  It’s asking questions for clarification.  It’s commiserating (if you’re a woman.  If this takes place with a man, he says something to “fix” whatever, even when that wasn’t a woman’s point at all!  But that’s really another story!).

 

And that’s why Charlotte and Sara and I have such a good time when we visit—we listen and care about what’s going on with each other.

 

Listening truly is one of the ways to show your love.

 

As Charles Dickens said, “To conceal anything from those to whom I am attached, is not in my nature. I can never close my lips where I have opened my heart.”

 

How do you listen?

 

 

 

The post HOW TO SHOW YOUR LOVE appeared first on Susan Mary Malone.

THINGS GO WRONG. GET OVER IT 4 Failsafe ways to do it

Don’tcha just hate when things go wrong.  No question mark needed on the end of that sentence!  Because we all hate when it happens.

And whether you had a career setback, a romance foiled, a friendship gotten prickly, the car won’t start or the carpet came up, most times you’re left with having to do something about it.  Talk about adding insult to injury!  I don’t know how many times I’ve looked at a flat tire and said, “Fix your ownself.”

 

Of course, said tire never did.  And not much else does either.  We have to spend the effort to take care of the stuff that’s broken in whatever way, whether looking for a new job, working through that friendship problem, calling the carpet folks, or soothing our own broken hearts.

 

For me, anyway, it’s easy to get caught up in the pity pot if I’m not careful.  Real careful.  I do give myself a set time to wallow, but it’s not a long time.  And then the focus has to turn to going forward. 

 

Easier said than done!

 

So here’s a list of what to do when things go wrong.  At least, they’ve helped me!

 

The How of It. Although we all know that asking some kinds of ‘why’ questions is fruitless—why did this happen to me?—the understanding of what went wrong and why sure helps me to see my own part (provided there was one), and what I can do differently in the future.  I find that comforting.  For God’s sake the last thing I want to do is repeat mistakes!

 

Forgiving Myself and Others. I just gotta do it.  Otherwise, I replay the transgressions over and over in my head, and the pain and suffering (no matter how the emotion comes out) remains.  And this is especially a tough one for me if I played a part.  Takes me longer to forgive myself than to forgive you!  But that’s a topic for a far ‘nother day.

Something that’s come up for me quite often of late is not to judge.  I’ve been re-watching The Power of Myth (so love Joseph Campbell and Bill Moyers!) and Campbell has a long segment of how myths from all cultures have the same motif of non-judgment and forgiveness. About how even in the face of mass killings, starvations, whatever horror faces us today, our job isn’t to judge.  That doesn’t mean we don’t take action to correct said horror, but just that we don’t attach judgment to it.

I’m still working on this one!  And of course, I take more consolation from the words of writers, as in Oscar Wilde’s take on this:   “Everyone may not be good, but there’s always something good in everyone. Never judge anyone shortly because every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.”

          And I have to laugh—this is something I tell my writers all the time about creating multi-faceted characters!

Once I go through that process (although both of those are often ongoing until I dig it all out), I get to the one that actually shoots me forward:

 

Will this matter 6 months—or even 6 weeks—from now? That speaks to ‘how important is it,’ but I can’t think of it that way yet.  Of course my ego would be shouting, “This is vital!  If x doesn’t happen we die!”  Now, your ego might not be as dramatic as mine, but that’s where I usually go.

But by looking at the occurrence in the harsh light of day, I can almost always discern whether I’ll even think about it months or even weeks from now.  And if I won’t, well, shoot!  Why am I stressing over it today?  Call the stinking plumber and get on with it!

 

 

And Finally, Acceptance of Things I Cannot Change. Yep, the old 12-step motto (I told ya I learned a lot in that group!).  Maybe I shouldn’t have driven the Mini Cooper down that dirt road.  Or, maybe it picked up the nail in a paved parking lot.  Who knows. The thing is, the tire’s flat, so again, fix it!

Course, that sentiment’s easier with something as simple as a tire.  Matters of the heart, in all fashions, are different indeed.

 

But if Viktor Frankl, who had things far worse than I can ever imagine, can do this, than so can I:  “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” 

 

How do you get over setbacks?

 

 

 

 

 

 

The post THINGS GO WRONG. GET OVER IT 4 Failsafe ways to do it appeared first on Susan Mary Malone.