Susan Mary Malone's Blog: Happiness is a Story, page 25

YOU HAVE SOMETHING TRULY IMPORTANT TO GIVE

We know that, right?  And usually when we’re talking about giving, the focus is on charity donations of some kind, whether that be monetary, time, etc.

But there’s a deeper essence to giving.  The very best thing you can ever give is of yourself.

I’m not talking about the time-and-money category.  You were put here for a reason, no?  That can be a “grand” reason, such as becoming President, etc.  But in no way does it have to be.  You matter—or you wouldn’t be here.  Each and every one of us has within something truly important to give, for the betterment of the world. 

That’s the whole point of the Quest series, of the hero’s quest in general.  What we learn from undertaking it is what we bring back to everybody else.  It’s the return of the potion, whether that be the Holy Grail itself or a new understanding, from which others benefit.

And you don’t really understand the value you gleaned until you do give it away.  As all the great teachers say, “I learned so much more from my students than I taught them.”  A lot of that goes back to actually understanding, on a deeper level, what you teach.

By saving ourselves, in whatever manner, be it getting more fit, giving up a vice, writing that book, becoming that teacher, whatever it may be, you’re giving back to the betterment of mankind. 

I cannot even begin to count all the women who contacted me when By the Book was published, saying it gave them the courage to leave an abusive marriage.  If Nettie could do it, so could they!

But that wasn’t why I thought I was writing the book!  And doing so was a definite quest.  I thought I dived into it because the characters came to me.  I realized upon finishing the first draft that I really wrote it to understand why I’d found myself in that situation—but had no clue such was the impetus until the draft was done.  We writers are an odd lot.  LOL.

As Joseph Campbell said, however, of saving yourself: “But in doing that, you save the world.  The influence of a vital person vitalizes . . . The world without spirit is a wasteland.” 

It just is.

So often when we (women) focus on ourselves, we feel as though we’re being selfish.  Sociologists and psychologists disagree on exactly why this is so, e.g., whether it’s cultural conditioning or inherent in our species.  Doesn’t really matter though right now, does it?  We as women are afflicted with that caring gene, which on the flip side carries the self-deprecating one, more than men.

 But by not focusing on the thing that we were put here to do, the quest of our hearts, the paradox is—that’s the ultimate in selfishness.  Because then the world cannot receive your gifts.  Pity.  Because the world today can sure use all the gifts we can bring it.

Especially those from women.  I’m not discounting men here, but their talents have been touted for centuries!  I’m talking rather about those quieter gifts that women bring.  The ones that can now save this crazy world.

 So just give.  Of yourself.  By becoming yourself.  And therein lies the true meaning of what giving means.

That’s what all the great myths and stories teach.  Again, they’re about the experience of life—our lives, and the ones who came before us.

Joseph Campbell (and yes, I’ve unabashedly adored him for decades now) finished the sentiment with:

“People have the notion of saving the world by shifting things around, changing the rules, and who’s on top, and so forth.  No, no!  Any world is a valid world if it’s alive.  The thing to do is bring life to it, and the only way to do that is to find in your own case where the life is and become alive yourself.”

So go forth and do that thing within you.  Then give it back to a sorely in-need world.

 

 

 

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DEAR READER, I BELIEVE IN YOU

Life is filled with unexpected twists and turns.  Happens to us all.  Whether facing an old foe or a new one, we sometimes stand startled at what lies ahead.

When forced into a change—be it job related, a personal transition, a realization that your way of being isn’t working anymore—so often we feel as if punched in the gut.  So often we feel that forces have conspired against us.

Any change is hard, and the closer to your core, the tougher it is.  That’s part of the reason we stay in bad relationships—it’s easier to deal with the demon you know than let go and face the unknown.  Ditto with a bad job situation.  When thinking of either of those that devil pops up and says, “You’ll be all alone.  You can’t make it on your own.  Who else will ever love you?  What if you starve?”  Or any litany of deep fears that arise to grab you by the throat.

In our parents’ generation, for example (or perhaps grandparents’!), people tended to work for the same company their entire lives.  Not so today.  And while those in their thirties may be used to switching jobs and movin’ on up, that gets harder in your forties and fifties.  Older workers forced into job (or career) changes face not only their own trepidations, but having to interview again for the first time in decades, and dealing with negative perceptions of whether they can do the job as well as younger cohorts.

I’ve talked with countless (yes, this is pervasive) women in their thirties, enmeshed in abusive relationships.  Many with children, many without.  A part of them wants to leave, to begin again.  But the litany of difficult issues that arise can stop them in their tracks.   Unfortunately, often an “event” is needed to force them out.  And that event is never pretty . . .

Or perhaps whatever is occurring in your life is strictly about you and your psychology.  You know you need a change in x, y, or z, which sounds simple enough until you study what that journey of self-discovery will be about, and then daunted, you sit back and try not to panic.

Our fear of change comes from the little self, that part of us attached to our labels.  “I’m a teacher.”  Or, “I’m Mrs. So and So.”  Or, “I run marathons.”  Or, “I live in Highland Park.”   And while yes, this is your outer self, the one people see, it’s not really who you are.  It’s the literal tip of the iceberg, the true part far greater as it descends into the deep.  Who you are is devoid of labels, the truly changeless part of you that cannot be taken away, no matter what.  It cannot be birthed, it cannot be killed.  It just is.

Whatever stands before you, great courage is necessary to face it.  Because again, change of any sort hits us where we live.  God knows I’ve had to be forced into it, sometimes kicking and screaming, in order to take that first step.

As Father Richard Rohr says, we resist change “Because it asks us to let go, and we’re not good at letting go. We’re good at holding on.”    https://cac.org/richard-rohr#

Pretty much sums it up.

But here’s the deal: Once you take that first step, the second one is easier.  Because the first step is about committing, and the second is action.  Any time the body or mind focuses on the action, it takes a tiny bit of the fear away and uses it as energy.  The more steps you take, the more you whittle away at that fear. And the more you can use its energy to help you fly.

Connect to that boundless soul within you—whatever you perceive that to be.  And then face the biggest fear first.

You can do this.  I know you can.  If I can, anyone can!  Gather up your courage—it’s there.  I promise.  Face the thing, whatever it is.  Begin your life anew—in whatever form that takes.  Richness lies down that path.  The kind that sustains you.

Truly, I believe in you.

 

 

 

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CREATE YOUR VERY OWN NOT-TO-DO LIST TODAY

We all have too much to do, no?  Do you ever just look around and think, Man, how did life get so crazy?  When can we slow down?

Even if your life is pretty much on an even keel, there are those days . . .

 

And in the frenzy, we make lists.  Lots of lists.  LOL.  We have priorities for this morning, the afternoon, the day.  Then those for the week, the month, the . . .

And in the midst of it all, we strive to keep meaning in our lives (more than just making sure the dry cleaning gets picked up!).  From all sources, we’re counseled to live life on purpose and other bullshit.

Woops!  Did a pesky little meme just creep in here?  Sure looks like it!

When that happens, the little voice in the psyche (the one you’ve been ignoring) is pitching a fit.  A temper tantrum suitable for a two-year-old.  Not very pretty, is it.  The kind we wish we still didn’t have (no matter the age we find ourselves to be).

But that voice needs to be heard, like all the rest of them.  Otherwise, you’re gonna walk straight into a hole and break your leg.  At least, metaphorically (but it can be literally!).  Life has a funny way of stopping us when we won’t slow down.

Years ago, I was running nine ways to Sunday showing dogs.  On top of about a zillion other things on about five to-do lists.  And, bound and determined, I was headed to Oklahoma to a big dog-show cluster.  Life kept throwing pesky wrenches in the plans, but come hell or high water, I was going!

So finally, I’m out walking dogs, and stepped in a hole.  One of the literal kind.  Sprained my ankle—bad!  Limped back to the house, put it up, and it swelled into a big fat purple balloon.  Not very pretty!

Of course, I was down for the count.  And had it been my left ankle, I’da tried to make the dog show anyhow. But alas, the right one now stared at me through swollen and quite colorful skin that no longer looked human.

The next day, sitting at my laptop, I stumbled upon (quite literally) nefarious evidence that irrevocably changed my life.

See, the wisdom of the Universe had been trying to tell me.  In a plethora of ways.  Giving me signs.  Evidence of things not seen.  But running so hard, I couldn’t see.  I did then though.  Took being literally stopped in my tracks, but see I did.

Even when we’re not living on purpose, the God of our understanding is at work.

And when we don’t or can’t seem to listen, well, a bludgeoning comes that forces us to see.

I, for one, am not into such violence.  Had to learn the hard way, of course.  But I’ve slowly gotten better at that!

And have learned to take that to-do list and turn it around.  We know that the psyche can’t think in the negative—it takes any negative you think/feel and takes the positive side of that as gospel.  Funny thing about that subconscious mind!  So if you say, I’m not going to think bad of Gene anymore, all of a sudden you’re thinking more and more not-very-nice thoughts about him.

So the ‘not-to-do list’ doesn’t focus on what you’re not going to do.  Instead, take that nasty old list you live by, and x it out.  Horrors!  But I have so much to do, you say.  Yep.  But by taking out that pen, identifying what’s truly not vital and what is, xing out the trivial (and assuredly—lots is), you’ll be left with those items that must be done.  Like feeding the baby.  Has to happen multiple times per day.  But the shopping trip to the mall can wait . . .

Then rewrite that list.  Focusing on the truly important.  And instead of packing it with trivial things, instead think how at 3 pm today I’m actually going to have a nice spot of tea . . .

Now, doesn’t that make you happy?

 

 

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OPEN LETTER TO POTENTIAL AUTHORS

Do you want to write a book?  Has that idea been percolating around in your head for a while, not letting you go?  Do you think you have a bang-up story within you?  Have you committed to that goal this year?

Then I applaud you!  I know of nothing so meaningful, so filled with purpose than writing.  Of course, I wouldn’t know of anything more so—I’m a writer.  LOL.  One of those odd people with characters dancing around in my head most of the time.  And when they’re not, I miss them.

Whether your aspiration is to pen fiction or non-, the undertaking is much the same.  And yep, it’s like climbing Mt. Everest.  There is so much to learn.  So many elements that go into a great story.  I often speak at Literary conferences and begin with: “Writing well really IS Rocket Science.”  Because, well, it is 

So what should you know before plunging ahead?  A lot, really.  And not just about how to write—Lord knows you’ll have enough of that in and of itself!  I work with tons of writers, and as Kensington VP Gary Goldstein said, “Working with Malone is like earning a graduate degree in writing.”  Still makes me blush

But this IS like earning a graduate degree.  Again, so incredibly much goes into writing a book, it boggles the mind to even think of it.  But the good news is, as so many writers say when they get back their initial edit and critique: “I never knew all that went into this.”

I say the good news, because if you truly knew what it took to get up that mountain, 99% of folks would abdicate at base camp.

So, that’s not where we go first.  LOL.  Instead, where we start is with the passion to write.  That’s the whole pot of beans, really.  You have to desire to begin, have the fortitude to sustain you, the courage to see you through as you traverse up an icy peak filled with deep crevasses, bloody-fanged monsters loomTng at every turn, and say, “I crave to reach that summit.”

You will be tested at every winding fork in the road. That voice in your deep psyche will ask, over and over and over again, “Do you really want this?”  The going will get very dicey.  You’ll face demons from both within and without.  The at-first whim to write a book will lead you on a magical journey deep, deep into yourself.  All your fears, doubts, neurosis will arise.

God, but this is sounding maudlin!  Because, well, it just is.

A look at the multi-part series, The Quest is a great litmus test here.  Because this is the exact journey you’ll be on when committing to this task.

But if you have that passion, if it grabbed you by the throat and won’t let go, I know of no single endeavor in this world more rewarding.  Of course I wouldn’t—I’m a writer!  LOL.

After writing for so long (6 books Traditionally published, and many short stories), and working with so many authors (nearly 50 books I’ve edited have been Traditionally published), I can say this for an absolute fact: If you truly have that passion, if as the poet Rainer Marie Rilke asked in his Letters to a Young Poet,

“Above all, in the most silent hour of your night, ask yourself this: Must I write? Dig deep into yourself for a true answer. And if it should ring its assent, if you can confidently meet this serious question with a simple, ‘I must,’ then build your life upon it.” 

IF you have that passion, then I can promise that the talent is within you.  I’ve never seen a writer with such passion who didn’t have latent talent.  All you need is a drop.  Because the skills can be learned.

The answer is within you.  What will it be?

 

 

 

 

 

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I TOTALLY MEANT TO DO THAT

I mean, I did.  It was right there—on my “to do” list.  Right up at the top.  So why didn’t it get done?

I can provide a thousand reasons.  Can’t you?  You make that list, sometimes more than one, and that “thing” doesn’t get done.  Because of course, we don’t want to do it!

We all know the concept of tackling the biggest, baddest, hardest, etc., items first.  All the gurus in whatever genre tell us that.  Dive into the toughest jobs when we’re fresh every morning.  Or early in the week.  Get those behind you and the rest can be done as the day or week wears on.

And for the most part, we do that, no?  It makes psychological as well as practical sense.  Makes our lives easier.  And that brings happiness. And I like to be happy.

So why do I leave that one thing hanging in the air like so much cotton-candy dust?

I don’t want to do it, that’s why.  Procrastination always unveils those things we really don’t want to have to do.  That child within us (sometimes referred to the Id!) balks.  May even throw a temper tantrum.  Or may just curl up that “thing” in a prickly ball that stings every time we even think of it.

And then the overly harsh parent (often referred to as the superego) comes in and nags at us about it.  Sometimes the point is just to bring out that harsh ruler within and see how it wreaks as much havoc as the child part of us does, so we can see it.

So first I take a hard look and figure out why I’m not wanting to do X.  It may be easy to discern.  But not always.  Often there’s a snake hiding under some rock not yet turned over.  Ah! I think.  Didn’t know that was still there to slay.

Then I see if I can break it down into pieces.  Can I do the less-distasteful parts first?  If so, the psychological wheels have already begun to turn.  It takes more effort to stop the flow than to go with it.

What finally gets me on track is putting my gaze back on the goal.  I know that procrastination thwarts reaching of that aim. We all know that, right?  That’s the adult within coming back and saying, “Get your butt in gear.  You have a something important to get done, and this item is standing in your way.” 

Always refreshing to have the adult back in the room!

And usually I find in the end the procrastination had something to do with fear.  Which boils down to fear of success or failure.  Otherwise it wouldn’t carry such emotional valance.

So then I can remember why I’m doing what I’m doing in the first place.  Regain that purpose, and then solidify the discipline needed to do it. 

I love teacher, author, and statesman John William Gardner’s take on this:

“ Some people may have greatness thrust upon them. Very few have excellence thrust upon them. They achieve it. They do not achieve it unwittingly, by ‘doing what comes naturally'; and they don’t stumble into it in the course of amusing themselves. All excellence involves discipline and tenacity of purpose.”

 Okay, that kicked my butt!

How do you get yourself back in gear?

 

 

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STUDY PROVES THAT MEN ARE IDIOTS

Well, yeah.  It is not news to women but men are idiots.  And now we have a study in the British Medical Journal confirming it!  As if we needed that.  Any person on the planet who even knows a man already knew this.  But since it’s now a scientific fact, we can gleefully play with it and not be called misogynists  LOL!

Sex differences in mortality and admissions to hospital emergency rooms have been documented forever.  So many studies have been done on this, I won’t even list a link.  I mean, it’s everywhere!  Basically what they all prove is that men are more at risk than women. 

Of course men have more sporting injuries.  Nobody ever said men were very bright when it comes to competition.  Reference the NFL.  Of which I am a fan.  Once long ago I heard an interview with Mike Ditka, and he talked about the nuances of Xs and Os in football.  But in the end, he said, “Guys just want to hit each other.”

Pretty much sums it up.

I’m a huge Hemingway fan.  But truly, isn’t The Running of the Bulls in Pamplona  idiocy of the highest form?  I mean, really.  When the entire point of a “sporting” event is to come out alive and ungored?  That’s the point?!?  Simply brilliance.  And Hemingway waxed wistfully about it all his life . . .

Five Keys for Understanding Men attributes this to assuaging fears of castration.  Yep, we always knew their brains lived in the little head . . .  LOL.

 

And we know the risk of testosterone poisoning when behind the wheel of an automobile.  As far back as 1997 we had studies about aggressive male drivers.  I mean, we needed a study for this?  LOL.  They found that many traffic jams were due to the male of the species’ competitive nature when driving, zigging and zagging to get ahead of maybe two other cars in congested traffic.

 Any woman who has ever ridden in the car with a male driver can tell you that! 

A lot of folks will say that this is all due to different environmental influences between the raising of females vs. males.  The old nature-vs-nurture debate.  I once believed that too, long ago. And then all the babies started coming and it was apparent to a blind woman that boys and girls are just different.  Period.  Risk- seeking behaviors can be seen from an early age in the boys—at much higher rates than girls.  There’re a lot of studies about that too.  Far beit they just ask a mom!

I first heard about this new BMJ study about men being idiots on NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams.  Who reported it with quite the straight face.  But my favorite part was his conclusion.  At which I fell off the couch laughing.  Because Williams’ final sentence truly sums up the difference in men and women!  The whole enchilada in a hot tortilla.

Because even funnier to me—which I knew would happen—is that universally, women don’t get Williams’ summation.  Just don’t get it.  My own blogging coach (a woman) came back with, “What is this?”  Maybe it was because I was raised with three older brothers, and grew up doing guy stuff and being around them.  Maybe that’s why I “get” it.  But I still chuckle at William’s conclusion of the piece:

He said, “I just have two words for this: Chuck Yeager.”

That’s a man for ya!

 

 

 

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THE POWER OF GIVING CHANGES YOU

And it’s not just an airy-fairy feel-good thought!  Even though we didn’t need actual studies for this, I always like them J  But anyone who’s ever volunteered or given back in any way knows the huge benefits of the power of giving.

We talk a lot about the serotonin rise when doing something good for someone.  We can get that in big or little ways—huge acts or small ones. 

I do a lot with my dogs.  And one of those things is having therapy dogs.  I’ve had two—one of whom, Hubbard, has long since gone to his reward.  But Harper Lee is still active (she’d go far more than I find time to!) and loves it.  Both were certified through Therapy Dogs International.

We do nursing-home visits, as most folks would rather spend time with kids recovering than being with the oldsters.  There is a drawback to the latter—anyone who’s ever spent much time in nursing homes doesn’t need the litany of how depressing they can be.  And oh, is that usually the case . . .

But the funny thing is, no matter how sad the experience at first, I always come out uplifted in the end.  When an aide says, for instance, “Mrs. Wilkerson hasn’t spoken since you were here last time,” after the tiny wheelchair-bound lady has talked and talked to my dog.

The residents rarely if ever remember my name.  Shoot, a lot of them can no longer tell you their own names.  But they always remember the dog’s.

I was walking into Wal-Mart one day, and here came out Mrs. Volak, her son pushing her wheelchair.  And she said with great glee, “Oh, look—it’s Hubbard’s mother!”

Did that make my day or what!

But of course, all anecdotal evidence notwithstanding, I still love the science backing this up   Here are just a few ways giving enhances your life:

1. Giving back eases anxiety and depression. Yes, of course we already know this.    But researchers at Boston College showed that the ‘helper’s high’ is real.  The neural glow from helping others actually shows up on MRIs.  Pain and depression decrease after volunteering.  Cool!

2. Overall health is Boosted. I just love this.  A university of California-Los Angeles research study found that volunteering actually helps you live longer.  Even teenagers who get involved in service and volunteering are much happier and more optimistic.  And if you can get that from a teenager with hormones skyrocketing to Mars all the time . . .

3. Volunteering helps you to stay Optimistic.  Seems like a contradiction in terms, no?  By definition this means working with folks less fortunate.  Whether illness, homelessness, whatever strait they find themselves in, the reality is somewhat depressing.

Many, many years ago, I was an executive for the American Cancer Society (a great place to volunteer!).  My job was organizing volunteers to carry out all our programs.  And it didn’t matter what a mess their “real” lives were in, as soon as they started in on whatever project, they became all smiles and laughter.  I watched this time and time again.  The very act of volunteering kept them so much more joyful in all aspects of their lives.

Of course, as our mothers always told us, “Tis better to give than receive.”  And now we have scientific proof that doing so, just for giving, is quite likely the best medicine in the world!

As call-in radio talk-show Bernard Meltzer said, “There is no better exercise for your heart than reaching down and helping to lift someone up.”

How do you give back?

 

 

 

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YOU HAVE THE HEART BUT DO YOU SHARE IT?

I saw this on Facebook this morning (so it has to be true!  LOL), although no attribution was given: If you feel grateful but don’t express it, it’s like wrapping a present and not giving it.

And while I’m usually not into FB wisdom, I liked this one.  A lot.  Because of course it rings true.

How often have you thought something really nice about somebody, but didn’t tell them?  How often have you been oh-so-grateful to someone for an act large or small, but forgot to mention it?  Or, ended a call, visit, etc., with a loved one and not stated your affection?

We all do this.  Life is hectic.  I know mine is.  Yours is too.  One thing I learned, however, long long ago is that it can also change in the blink of an eye.  Harshly.  In a way that you cannot fix.

As my mom used to say, “When someone’s gone, they’re just gone.”  Oh, how I miss her.  But every time I spoke with her, I told her I loved her.  And she, to me.  I can still hear her voice telling me so . . .

And while it’s true that those we love most likely know it, what if they don’t?  And even so, do you ever get tired of those close to you saying, “Love you,” in any of its forms?

Sometimes that expression, or that thanks, or even that compliment that goes unsaid could have brightened someone’s day.  What an opportunity missed!  Doesn’t even the idea just bring instant regret?  And I don’t like to feel regret.  Rather, I love the idea of making someone smile with genuine conveyed emotion.

We all have rivers to slog, demons to slay.  We’ve all walked through our own personal Hells.  Quite often we keep those to ourselves, so that no one knows.  Which means, the people we come into contact on a daily basis do so as well.  You never know what the grocery-store clerk has been through that day, what your colleague is facing in the inner-most reaches of her heart.  Even what a close friend might be battling in the dark of his night.

But somewhere, sometime, everybody is facing perils of some sort.

So, why chance it?  If by conveying the positive of what you feel for them—for anyone—lifts their spirits just an ounce, what a fabulous thing.  I don’t like to come from the negative, but sometimes it fits as in this quote from G.K Chesterton,    “The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.“

 Anything in life can be lost, at any time.  Life is just like that.  Despite all of our plans and preparations, all of our coats of protection, well, things happen.  And no one gets out of here alive.

I received a message on FB today (am quoting FB again! LOL) from a man I only know from there.  But he follows my writing, and is always so appreciative.  Just a brief note that said how much a specific post had brightened his day.  Made me feel all warm and fuzzy!

So my goal is to pass that on, to brighten someone else’s day.  At least once every day.  More if given the chance!  Do I always reach that goal?  No.  But that’s okay, because I know that where Intention lives, opportunities will arise to fulfill it.

How do you share your heart?

 

 

 

 

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WE NEED TO CHANGE OUR VERBIAGE TO INSPIRE WOMEN

I just saw the new P&G Super Bowl ad, “Like a Girl.”  Wow!  How cool is that?  Talk about women empowering women.  

The video, by Lauren Greenfield, Sundance Film Award-winner, asks, “When did doing something ‘like a girl’ become an insult?” Always Brand Director Amanda Hill hopes this is the first of what will be a long-running campaign to change what “like a girl” means.  Plus advertising, of course.  LOL.

 

We see all these images of teenage girls and a boy when asked, making fun of how girls run, throw, and fight.  Really namby-pamby skipping, tossing, arms aflutter fighting.

 

The most telling part though was the pre-adolescent boy who did all those things.  And then when asked, “Do you think you just insulted your sister?”

 

“No,” he said, and then shook his head.  “I mean, yeah, insulted girls but not my sister.”

 

Quite telling.  Goes back to the idea of once you personalize what you hate, make fun of, or are against, the whole discussion changes.

 

One thing we know for true is that pre-adolescent girls brim with confidence.  Even more so than their boy counterparts.  Girls in the magic of childhood believe they can do anything.  And without the sexualized self-esteem issues that rear their ugly heads in puberty, girls succeed.

 

We know that girls’ math scores are actually better than boys’ before puberty.

 

We also know that once puberty hits, the confidence ratio flips, and with that, those math scores, et al.  Boys become more confident, higher achievers, etc., and girls, less.

 

Some of this perhaps has always been true, as teenagers grapple with the stressors of normal adolescents.  We don’t know that for sure.

 

But what we do know is that our culture’s sexualization of young girls is having traumatic effects.  None of us ever looked like Barbie.  And although she’s pretty to young girls, that image carries with them into adolescents and does a horrible number on their psyches.

 

Just think of all the future doctors, lawyers, scientists who lose their nerve while trying to achieve the perfect figure, face, hair at 13 years of age.  All of a sudden they go from competitors with boys to competitors with each other for boys’ attentions.  Which has the effect of putting them ‘one down’ in the actual arena with boys to begin with.

 

Is this what you want for your daughters?

 

Females are worth more than their breeding capacities.  Only the most fundamentalist among us would argue that point.  So why do we allow our culture to sexualize young girls to the point that the statement holds value?  Because that’s what we’re doing.

 

Actions do speak much louder than words . . .

 

Bravo to P&G.  I know they’re selling a product, but at long last, women are in roles of marketing power.  Without that, this ad wouldn’t have been possible.

 

And even today, when a woman is in power, she is criticized about things that have nothing to do with her job—in ways men never are.  For example, Marissa Mayer, who became CEO of Yahoo! in her 30s.  She was pregnant at the time, and one of the first conversations was how she would be both CEO and mother.  These criticisms came mostly from other women.  We can be our own worst enemies . .   .

 

At least now we’re having the conversation—one I’ve been having for decades.  LOL.  But now even the Super Bowl culture, which includes, oh, everybody in the Universe?  is having it.

 

It’s time for a hard look at how we treat our girls.

 

How do you inspire change?

 

 

 

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I CHOOSE TO SEE GOOD IN YOU

Call me Pollyanna, but I truly believe people are, at the core, good. Yeah, yeah, there are the psychotically evil and the sociopaths. You bet. But they have wires crossed somewhere in their brains.

In fact, I’m not sure ‘pure’ sociopaths exist. Different levels of them, sure. My psychiatrist brother tells a story in Five Keys for Understanding Men  about a criminal who was sent to him to treat. The man was so violent (he’d attacked previous therapists, almost killing one) that he was flown in, constrained in a strait jacket.

His treatment did not go terribly well, as you can imagine. Yet, glimmers of progress lit the way, here and there.

One night he escaped the hospital. Of course, terror reigned there. He had already tried to kill other therapists. Who would be his target?

Himself. He killed himself. So, some shred of conscience did exist. Again, even such a seemingly evil man wasn’t ‘pure’ for sociopathy.

I often edit novels (link) where the folks are all-good or all-bad. And, those are quite cardboard, shallow, unmemorable. Because people just aren’t like that. I know, I know—you can give me lists of awful folks, and we see them every day. But even the worst of them have some redeeming qualities. And even the best have negative traits and foibles. As Elisabeth Kubler Ross says, “There’s a little bit of Hitler in all of us.”

Because the thing is, to create, truly create characters out of thin air, you have to love them. Even Dr. Frankenstein loved his monster. You have to care, in order to create real human beings, as opposed to names on the page.

You have to find the ‘good’ thing about even your villain. And, it’s there. The corollary to Elisabeth Kubler Ross’s sentiment is surely true as well: There’s a speck of God in all of us too.

Because by seeing that ‘good’ thing about someone seemingly evil, paradoxically makes the heinous act all the more awful to bear. You saw the good—it was there. How could this person then go do that?

Ah, the state of being human. Yep, we all sin. The definition of which from the ancient Hebrew meant: To miss the mark. Yep, we all do that. And if the conscience is fully formed and not damaged (see Five Keys! LOL), guilt arises. The ‘good’ kind of guilt, causing you to make amends if needed, but mainly to do it differently next time.

But we all do good in this world as well. Have you seen where inmates are training service dogs now?  How cool is that?

By focusing on the good, that’s what expands. So for me and my household, I choose to see the good in you.

How do you find the good in people?

 

 

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