Susan Mary Malone's Blog: Happiness is a Story, page 24

MAY WE ALWAYS REVERE THE HERO THAT YOU ARE

Last night the verdict came in on the man who killed Chris Kyle and Chad Littlefield.  Dubbed The American Sniper Trial after the film about Kyle, this drew to an initial close, if not an end, to the story.

We live in a culture fixated on celebrities of all kinds, many being famous for being famous, or for acting in movies we love.  Our “heroes” are often sports’ figures, making millions upon millions off of our worship of them.  And while I’m a believer that warriors on whatever field of play are an imitation of battle-worn gladiators, they are merely that—a metaphor for the real thing.  There’s a reason we call them “players.”  And I’m a sports fan.

But that is not the point.

 War is a terrible thing.  As William Tecumseh Sherman said, “War is all Hell.”

As well it should be.  General Lee once said, “It is well that war is so terrible, otherwise we should grow too fond of it.”

I am against it.  Few wars have been fought that I would have signed onto.  We engage in them for political reasons, often which are obtuse in inception, and many times at the end we question what for.  I can debate the merits of such ‘til the body bags and amputees and wounded warriors of all sorts come home . . .  Only in the rarest of cases these days is a clear victory won.

But that is not the point.

 What I do know to the True, however, is if one is to engage in war, the only point is to win it.  We must be all-in.

I’m from the South.  Our own Civil War was the bloodiest, most horrible experience this country has ever endured.  More Americans died in three days at the Battle of Gettysburg than in the entirety of the Vietnam War.  That fact always stops me in my tracks.  And while I’m a Southerner, my ancestors ravaged by the War, the loss so heart-wrenching and huge, I do believe the South’s Cause to be one of the most terribly misguided in the history of man.

Yet, I cringe at the very name of William Tecumseh Sherman.  What Sherman’s March did to the South still brings tears to my eyes.  But what I also know for True is that he did the most noble thing man can do—he ended the War, absolutely, irrevocably, forever. 

And that is getting to the point.

No matter one’s beliefs about war, the only point is to win it.

The hoopla over Chris Kyle’s role has polarized the Right and the Left, in a ludicrous war of words.  Conservatives say this is about defending the moral right of our country.  Liberals see it as a glorification of war.

Neither hits the mark.

Chris Kyle was a soldier in service to his country, intent on doing his job to the best of his adept abilities, no questions asked.  And he was damn good at it.  He was also a man with all the human foibles we all have.  But when the true test of courage came, he rose to the peak of valor.

When home from the war, he strove to make life better for the wounded who returned as well.  He continued those efforts ‘til his dying day.

Whether Eddie Ray Routh was insane when he murdered Kyle and Littlefield, I’m not sure we’ll ever know.  The jury found that he wasn’t.  In our land of Laws rather than Men—for which both men fought to uphold—we accept the verdict and go on.

But neither is that the point.

When distilled down to its essence, Chris Kyle was and is a true hero.  In the greatest of myths, the hero dies in service to his cause, which is always about the betterment of mankind.

Chris Kyle makes us all better.  He is what we aspire to be, in the depths of our hearts.  To give our lives in service to the noble idea of making the world a better place once we leave it.  To hold as a model the figure of a man who ascribed to, as President Lincoln said, “. . . the better angels of our nature.” 

And that is the point.

 We are all better for the man and the soldier having been here.

Rest In Peace, Chris Kyle.

 May we always revere the hero that you are.

 

 

 

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YES DEAR, YOUR JOURNEY MATTERS TO US ALL

We think we’re separate beings.  And in part, we are.  We each have a body, that’s true.  And those seem to be quite different ones, unique to ourselves with boundaries of skin protecting our bones, muscles, etc., etc.  So to look at us, we’re distinct and detached.

But are we?

We breathe oxygen into our lungs, and expel carbon dioxide, which is then converted by plants into more oxygen, and breathed in by someone else.  I get tweaked by the notion that I’m breathing in the same air as say, Einstein once did (maybe intellect will rub off!).  On a planet such as ours, we can’t get away from the fact that what we do with our air will affect others around the globe.

Round planets work that way.

And although this may seem a loose connection, let’s become even more nebulous with it 

The study of energy fields is hot right now.  But it’s been around in various forms for a while.  In the 1660s, a Dutch scientist named Christiaan Huygens   found that pendulums mounted on the same wall always wound up swinging in perfect synchrony—even when set in motion at different times.  He called this entrainment.  And now neuroscientists are proving that via mirror-neurons, we empathize with the emotions we see in others.  http://www.psychologicalscience.org/i...

But rather than just objectively delving into science, let’s focus on the empirical for a bit about how the world makes us feel.

How often have you been around someone and left feeling depleted?  Sad, perhaps? Out of sorts?  Angry? On the other hand, you know when you leave someone and feel energized, happy, as if you matter.

 This has to do not only with the thoughts and actions of the other person, but with the energy surrounding her. 

In simple terms—we feel what someone in our sphere feels.  We see it, sense it, and it spurs emotions within us.

You know you empathize with folks you care about (at least women do! LOL).  When a friend is blue, you want to heighten her mood.  When she’s happy, you’re happy.

What we’re finding now is that this is the case with most of the folks we’re around.

So the “other” amongst us matters not only because we care for other human beings, but because her success or failure affects us greatly.  When we see someone succeed, we feel a surge.  When we see them fail, we feel some semblance of the agony of defeat. 

Now and then we all get down.  But at those times, another’s story lifts us up.  I’ve spoken before about one of my editorial clients who was a 2-pack-a-day smoker, never been athletic, in a difficult life situation, who turned her life around.  Entirely.  At the beginning of the book, I wondered if she’d survive, much less thrive.

But quickly, and not because she hired me (lol), her journey became intrinsically important to me.  I began rooting for her.  When she failed her attempt at Everest the first time, my heart sank.  When she failed the second, I was sick about it. When on her third attempt she reached the summit, I cried—happy, joyful, jubilant tears.

 And whenever I think a mountain is too big, I see her atop that peak.  And confidence surges within me. 

So yes, your journey matters—to all of us.  We succeed when you do.  We’re all in this round boat together.

As Deepak Chopra says in The Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions in Your Life, “ . . . there is no difference between your breathing and the breathing of the rain forest, between your bloodstream and the world’s rivers, between your bones and the chalk cliffs of Dover.” 

So, how has what you’ve done affected another?

 

 

 

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How do you reduce anxiety and find the joy in your life?

Life is sure full of stressors.  From the big to the little and everything in between. Seems no matter what your life’s about, stuff comes calling.

And of course, anxiety is so pervasive, we have a test for how stressful our lives are.  The Holmes-Rahe life stress inventory measures what’s happened in our lives and correlates that to how likely we are to have an illness in the near future.

 Seems our bodies don’t like surprises!  Any sudden change to important routines throws your whole physical being into turmoil.  And makes you sick.  Eeeekkk!

And while we think in terms of stress being the result of negative events, even the positive ones can rate high on the list.  And bring big stress points.  For example, while divorce rates second, marital reconciliation is ninth on the list!  And retirement, which we work toward all our lives, comes in at number ten.

You just can’t live in this world and avoid stress.  Like you, I’ve lived through (sometimes barely!) many of the top ten.  Okay, all of them except going to jail and retirement!  Hope not to experience the former.  And the latter, well, I’m a writer so I can’t even imagine not writing  

For (insane) reasons known only to Holmes and Rahe, no dog-related problems made their list.  They certainly don’t live in my world!  Because when you raise show dogs, who are all members of your family, well, it’s always something.  I got up this morning to 2 of my kids—2 of them!—three-legging around.  One of those I’m fixing to breed.  Of course!  And of course I just counted up when my babies will be born.  Easter Sunday.  Which if you’re a normal person (not a dog breeder), might sound cool and fun with a great theme for the litter.  But if you’ve done this very long, you see, quite clearly, how if anything goes wrong during whelping, you’re SOL!

Okay, breathe!

Nope, this isn’t world peace. And not akin to losing someone you love.  But it is stressful.  Because stress is specific to you.

And one thing I know for true is to focus right back on the things that reduce anxiety and help me find joy.  That’s the antidote, no matter what caused the dis-ease.

So, focus with me on the remedy today with 3 quick ways to get back on track.

 

       I’m so grateful that even though these two dogs are infirm, they’re on this planet and otherwise healthy.  Thank you!  I so love my furr kids.  Let me count the ways . . .
      Remember that things tend to work out.  Not always, of course, but funny how when I quit trying to push the river uphill (which is different from simple planning!), knots tend to get unknotted, kinks get worked out, roads level into a straight line before me.  Because often when we think we’re mapping that road ahead, we’re actually obsessing over what can go wrong.  Goofy thing about the mind—it can find the monsters lurking around the bend that no one has ever before seen.  e., those that don’t actually exist.   Except in the paranoid recesses of the mind.  Doesn’t make them any less real to us!  Yep, it’s possible that we run into whelping problems at noon on Easter Sunday.  Murphy’s Law you know.  But it’s more likely that things go well. And if they don’t, we have a plan.  Not an obsessive one!
      Breathe.    Take a moment.  Breathe deeply.  Settle.  We know that when stress takes over, our breathing becomes shallow. And the very act of breathing deeply and slowly, in measured fashion, calms the heart rate, eases the belly, and brings us back to center.  Where, no matter what the reality is we face, our minds then work better to get us through it.

And that’s the point, no?  Because we all have to deal with “stuff.”  It’s the part and parcel of being on this planet.  Once I do those 3 things, am calm again, I can feel the joy of just living.

Ah, relief!  Because as author and preacher Charles Spurgeon said, “Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.”

So, how do you reduce anxiety and find the joy in your life?

 

 

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Sometimes I want to Lock the Gate and Turn off the Phone

Sometimes I want to Lock the Gate and Turn off the Phone

You know how that is?  We think that means running madly from reality.  And in essence, it is.  But the reasons for doing so are sometimes different from what conventional wisdom might say.

Often when I’m feeling that way it’s because I’m neck deep in writing a new novel, and all the outside noise obscures the voices inside my head.

Writing nonfiction is different.  It’s more linear, and more whichever the side of the brain is analytical (I can never keep those apart!).

But fiction, ah, it’s a circular process of going ever deeper into the characters’ psyches, of chasing them as they race through the story.  Of finding things about them three-quarters in that you never saw coming.  I just found out this very morning that my Protagonist shot someone years ago.  Oh, my!

The characters dance atop realizations, sometimes swinging on the wind.  You leave them perilously close to a jagged peak one day and wonder how they’ll hike to safety the next.  Because often, we authors just don’t know.

Many writers outline and plot out their books, and while this is a wonderful way to write, and how nice it must be to know where your book is going from the onset, it’s not my way.  Many of us write from discovery, getting to know the people and their plight as we go, constantly amazed through their journeys.

Which leaves us living in a creative world of uncertainty.  Kinda like real life 

But it’s in that void where the magic lives.  And as you catch its drift and ride that wave, fingers type of their own from some voice inside that’s not your own.  Whose is it?  I have no clue!  And yes, the psychiatric community may deem this madness, but if so it’s insanity of the sweetest sort.

 Nothing is as exhilarating as being a part of a story unfolding.  For me anyway. Nothing as scary at times, knowing you’re flying without a net.

In the very surrendering to the writing process, we connect intrinsically with whatever spiritual path directs us.  I’m never so connected to prayer as when enfolded in a story as it develops on the page.  Indeed, as my minister often says, that is my way of prayer.  And when my faith is most evident.

I may question, well, just about everything in my real life as it happens, questioning even my beliefs.  But my faith is deep and profound and solid as I follow the course of a novel.

And it’s when I’m most alive.

A good friend (and blogging coach!) said this is exactly how she feels when working on a blogging series.  Her partner was gone to visit family, and for 12 days Renee locked herself in the house, turned her dining room into a blogging studio, and recorded as many tutorials as she could possibly do. She said, “It was an amazing time that I’ll never forget.”

Ah!

This very morning I wrote soundly and true, the hot wind from the vineyard blowing across my face.  Green shining grapes begging to be picked as Guinevere struggled with the myriad antagonists against her.  I feel for her predicament—truly I do.  But only after the writing is done for the day.  During it, I’m just there with her to see what she will do . . .

And now I must unlock that gate, turn on the phone, face the “real life” of the day.  And long to be back in her vineyard . . .

What stirs your soul?   What would you like to lock yourself away to do? Tell me more about your passions in life, I really want to know.

 

 

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13 MOOD BOOSTERS FOR A HAPPY MOOD

Not happy?  Life got ya down?  Too many troubles and not enough dancing?  Horrors!  Let’s fix it.

We all have ways to lighten our mental loads, our own mood boosters and ways to be happy that work for us.  Or maybe in combination. So let’s play.

     Literally. Play. A game of cards.  Farmville.  Anything.  And yes, even you get twenty minutes to play today!
     Dance. Put on your favorite upbeat song and for five minutes, dance.  Get those endorphins pumping.  And yep—dance like nobody’s watching.
     Read. Something uplifting.  For that set 20 minutes.  David Hawkin’s Power vs. Force showed that just by reading something that calibrates at a high level, your consciousness is raised.  How easy was that?
     Meditate. Rewires the brain. Reduces stress.  Enhances creativity. Etc., etc.  We know this, right?  I think you have to actually do it to get the benefits.  But who doesn’t have 20 minutes?
    Journal. Let all the negative stuff pour out on the page and get out of your head. Quite cathartic.  It’s why a lot of writers write in the first place
    Write a poem. It doesn’t have to be good 
    Go for a walk in the sunshine. Or the rain.  Skip along some.  Endorphins again.  Always endorphins!
    Call a good friend. Nothing puts me in a happy mood like talking to a buddy!
    Research stud dogs on the Internet. Woops!  That’s probably specific to me.  But I always feel when doing so during my work day that I’m playing hooky.  So do whatever on the Net that makes you feel the same.
    Play an instrument. Because of #9 above, I included something I cannot do.  LOL. But then again, it doesn’t matter if you’re good at it!  Okay, so it may matter to others around you, but then, you’re probably not playing where they can hear it.
    Throw darts. Shoot target practice with your gun.  Work on your bow & arrow technique (as I understand it, with all the Hunger Games’ hoopla, this has become a big sport for girls!).  Just do something where you can hit something and that’s an okay thing to do.
    Make a gratitude list.  Nothing gets me off my pity pot like doing so!  And remembering all the things I’m grateful for.
    Chocolate. If all else fails, the answer all along was chocolate. We know its mood-boosting properties (scientifically, which always makes me happy).  Plus you get those anti-oxidants too, so it’s good for you.

 

We know all of these things, and many more.  So, why don’t we do them?  Because we’re goofy, that’s why.

So go make your own list. Follow it when you’re blue.  Do one thing that makes you happy and before you know it, you’re smiling.  And of course we know that the act of smiling in and of itself makes you happier.

As Epicurus said, “Pleasure is the beginning and the end of living happily.”

What do you do when you’re blue?

 

 

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5 Books that you should read right now

Don’t’cha just love when someone tells you to do something?  My first reaction is always to go the other way!

But I’m writing this for a reason.  LOL.

I have people ask me, literally every day, for something good to read.  Every single day.  Because they can’t find anything worth reading.

And I know why.  This has been the case for a long while now, but the past few years, with the explosion of eBooks, finding good ones has grown tougher and tougher.

The Bestseller’s list isn’t about good books.  Horrors!  Did I admit that?  Yes.  I’ve admitted it for decades.  And behind closed doors, agents and editors and publishers have as well.  What sells best isn’t about quality, but rather, marketing.  And the marketing dollars go to the already-famous authors.  Catch 22, but that’s how it is.

Amazon has a tracking system that shows how far readers get in books.  Scary, no?  That’s a subject for another day, but suffice to say, very few readers actually finish a book.  In fact, very few get far into one at all.  Tells you what they think of these .99 cent and free downloads as well.

But I digress.  Let’s talk about a few good books out there, which will entertain you and I can vouch for!

 

     Like Category Romance? Try the Romantic Thriller (with some cool politics thrown in), Home by Christmas by Rory Church.  So well written, with palpable tension, and the romantic parts will get your blood rushing.

As a reviewer said, “This is a story that will fire the reader’s imagination. This writer has a creative style that transcends the romantic genre; a talent he could well explore in espionage thrillers. I liked this novel and will recommend it to others who like romance with a dash of adventure.”

 

    Like Literary Comedy? Trouble Brewing by Paul Ambercrombie is a hilarious romp through a murder at a brewery.  I laughed till I nearly peed myself!

This reviewer summed it up: “An utterly tasteless wild romp of a read, with all the wry lyricism of Hiaasen. By page 40, I was unable to put it down!”

 

     What about ‘Tweener Mystery? Kevin Don Porter’s Missing is just beautifully done, the issues of race so subtly woven in that they’re part of the fabric rather than sticking out like chartreuse thumbs.

As one review said:  “…an exhilarating read filled with very amusing, detailed characters…Suspense I didn’t see coming that will put you on the edge of your seat…”

 — AAMBC Book Club

 

    How about some really fabulous Women’s Fiction? This one’s been out a while, but it’s still a book I truly Love.  Ginnie Bivona’s Ida Mae Tutweiler and the Traveling Tea Party will make your heart sing.   Made into a Hallmark film entitled Bound by a Secret (which I promise, pales greatly compared to the book), this is a story you’ll always remember.

And if you think you’ve read this sort of story before, as one reviewer said, “Ms. Bivona does a wonderful job. This story about friendship is different from any that I have ever read. The friendship-bond story can be over used; Ms. Bivona did anything but.”

 5.       Love Historical Mystery? Ona Russell’s O’Brien’s Desk will take you back in time while keeping you glued to the story.

“The daily details, smoothly integrated into narrative, give her tale a pleasing, authentic ring.” — The Historical Novels Review, February 2005

 

So, some old, some new, some in between, but all great reading!

 

What have you read of late?

 

 

 

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YOU CAN FIND HAPPINESS WITHIN

Because that’s where it lives, no?  We all know that it isn’t what happens to you that matters, but how you react to it.  We know that, right?  At least in our heads . . .

It’s getting to where we live that’s the tough part.  I can know something, believe it, ascribe to it mentally, and then of course in my heart not believe it at all.  And since that’s the impetus for our actions, it makes the whole idea invalid.

That’s why I love the science of things.  My skeptical mind can attach to true studies, and have that filter down into the governing parts of me. I.e., then I can believe it!

Lord knows why I didn’t find Martin Seligman’s work sooner.  I’ve studied so much of happiness, and while again, I love the theories, and it makes complete sense what all the philosophers of yore said on the subject, it just sounded like a nice fiction most of the time.  But Seligman has studied this for decades. 

And his findings about happiness, success, optimism vs pessimism and depression, opened my eyes wide.

It all comes down to two ways of looking at life: Optimistically or pessimistically.  In a nutshell, his studies have proved how an individual’s sense of personal control determines his fate.

Wow.

And though born optimists do exist, for the rest of us that optimism can be learned.

Our reactions to events—both large and small—hold the key to how we perceive ourselves and life.  Our self talk proves quite revealing.  Many folks find that in essence, they’re being mean to themselves.  And that meanness predicts failure.

Again, wow.

Don’t you wonder how some folks just seem to waltz into success?  Two babies are born into similar environments, with similar IQs and advantages.  One becomes Donald Trump, and another winds up defeated.  The why of this has always just tweaked me.

 Seligman holds that this is due to our explanatory style.  I.e., our take on the events that happen to us. Whether we feel helpless is determined by if we personalize the events, if we find them pervasive, and permanent. 

It’s really that simple.

Long ago, in childhood really!  I chose to become a writer.  Or, it chose me.  Or both—however you choose to look at these things.  LOL.  And if you stick with it, well, it can surely be a very rough road.

 Years ago, I let the world of publishing break my heart.  I say “let,” because no author has it easy here.  But I began to believe that it just wouldn’t happen for me. I was the cosmic fluke. Even though I had four books published by then, my career was stalled.  I personalized it, I thought it was pervasive, and I believe it to be permanent.  Talk about a recipe for disaster!  My creativity at the time was dead in the water. 

I need an attitude adjustment.

I mean, just wait a minute.  Why not me?  Who said I wouldn’t succeed?  Was I the authority on this?  And just because I wasn’t a bestseller yet, who says it won’t or can’t happen?

Nobody can say that.

So I took Seligman’s work to heart, and learned from him.  My attitude changed.  And I again found happiness in the very act of creating again.

 Like anything, optimism takes focus and persistence.  Of course!  LOL.  You didn’t think no work was involved, did you?  For some of us, those old tapes have played for so long that we have to unravel them a piece at a time.  But that’s fine too.  Consciousness is raised with each and every lesson. 

As Seligman says, “The very good news is there is quite a number of internal circumstances […] under your voluntary control. If you decide to change them (and be warned that none of these changes come without real effort), your level of happiness is likely to increase lastingly.”

So, first and foremost, don’t be so mean to you.  The world needs more happy, healthy, optimistic folks.  Go be one!

How do you stay optimistic?

 

 

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THE WORLD NEEDS WOMEN ENTREPRENEURS

We live in a precarious world.  Often, in our country of freedom and plenty, we forget that.  Especially we can forget what the rest of the world is like for women.

It took a long, arduous fight by women activists in this country to attain basic rights, such as the ability to vote and own property.  Amazingly, that only occurred in the last century. But attain them, we did.

In the rest of the Western world, women also have such basic rights.  But for much of the planet, they don’t.

The horrors of the Taliban bring this most to bear, where the roles of women are seen quite differently from how we understand them.  So differently, it seems more like planets apart than oceans.  Khalid Hosseini’s A Thousand Splendid Suns brings this home quite starkly.

That book spans 30 years, exploring Afghan society in the three decades of anti-Soviet jihad, civil war, and Taliban cruelty.  Not much changes over that time, at least in the lives of women.

  

Enter of course in real life Malala Yousafzai, who as a young Pakistani girl attended a school that her father founded. The Taliban began attacking girls’ schools.  How did Malala react?  She gave a speech entitled, “How dare the Taliban take away my basic right to education?”

We all know what happened next. 

The Taliban shot her.

For going to school. For speaking out. For daring to say that females had the right to an education and a life.

Yes, a different world from ours, indeed.

In 2014, she received the Nobel Peace Prize—the youngest person ever to do so.  And while still today a Taliban target, she continues to advocate for all girls being allowed the basic right of an education.

So what is the role of women in this world?  It’s easy for us to hang out in the US, basking in the freedoms earned from our own historical activists.  So often young women today don’t even know the history of our own women’s suffrage movement.  And while we’ve haven’t been shot for going to school, the basic underlying sentiment comes from the same place: Women are second to men.

Somewhere along the way, in our country, the term ‘Feminist’ became a 4-letter word.  It went from the original meaning of a woman having the same rights as men, being paid the same as men, to something akin to hating men. 

Sure, there are females who hate males and vice versa.  But that’s the minority.  The Feminists I know—and I know plenty!—love the men in their lives every bit as much as those who take a submissive role.  And this meaning didn’t get subverted on its own . . .  But that’s another story 

Now, more than ever, the world needs strong women entrepreneurs.  Women who form companies and change lives—just by doing what they do.  The empowerment of women has always been up to us as women.  Funny thing about power—no one ever gives it to you.  You have to earn it by making inroads, working hard, having a vision.

And finding the courage to stand up.

If a 12-year-old girl, living in a terroristic society where females are shot just because they attend school can do this, why can’t we?  What excuses do we have? 

As Dale Carnegie said, “Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”

Which is exactly what Malala did.  And so can we.

What is it you’re not pursing?  How can your gifts change this world?

 

 

 

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HOW TO STAY HEALTHY AND HAPPY THIS HOLIDAY 3 Failsafe Ways for Singles

Boy, is it just me or does it seem like we’re just barraged with one holiday after another?  Wasn’t it just Christmas?  New Year’s?  With all those resolutions?

Then comes the Super Bowl and even folks who hate football will party hearty and all those resolutions fly smooth out the window.

Right on its heels comes Valentine’s Day.  Forget healthy there!  And I’m not talking about chocolate.  Chocolate is always good for you.  That plethora of antioxidants and all.

But like our Norman Rockwell idea of Thanksgiving and Christmas, we have built Valentine’s Day into a testimony re: if you’re sexy enough, lovable enough, etc. And poor men—few have a clue how to actually navigate these waters. 

The far larger problem comes to those, however, who are single.  Single!  In our culture?  There must be something really wrong with you not to find a mate (regardless of the poor statistics about marriages).  The pressure is on to be successfully coupled (so you can become consciously uncoupled at some point, a la Gwyneth Paltrow).

 I would suggest that a big reason our divorce rate is so high is due to that constant, insistent barrage of images pushing us always not just to date but to co-join in some sort of harmonious pair. 

I mean, wait just a doggone minute.  You bet—when you’re in your twenties, the biological drives to procreate and nest run the show (whether you’re conscious of that or not).  But what about when the fledglings have fledged, the nest dismantled, the hormones thank God! have waned?  At least for women.  I’m not sure men’s ever do!  Why are we still prodded to find a mate?

 Especially around Valentine’s Day.  While Cupid is one of my favorite mythological characters (oh, such lushness there!), and his mother Venus quite the jealous type, as in all myths, the richness arises when you realize all the characters in the play are parts of yourself. 

Gasp!  But candy manufacturers, don’t get mad at me.  I eat chocolate year-round!

When you’re in the midst of the cultural romance wars, lots of ways exist to navigate how to stay happy, and here are my 3 favs:

1.           Buy yourself chocolate.  Always!  But the point being do for yourself what some fictional paramour would do.  No one will ever love you as much as you do.  And if  you don’t, well, there’s therapy for that J

 

                 Rejoice in your freedom.  Yep, we’re so barraged with all things ‘couple,’ we can forget how glorious it is not to have to answer to someone else, romantically speaking.  We as humans tend to want what we don’t have.  Which brings us more of what we don’t have.  Instead, be truly appreciative of the wonders of your life!  Isn’t it truly marvelous not have to call and explain why you’re running late because of x or y or z?  Not to mention the silent anger when you get home.

Can you see what’s happened to me here?  LOL.

 

               Make a date with a good friend.  This adds such vibrancy to our lives at any time.  It’s one of my intents this year—to spend more time with people I love.  And except for the sexual chemistry (which is luscious!), supper with a friend is, well, often more enriching.  Women know how to listen to other women.  And women like to feel as though they’re being heard.  Enjoy your time with friends!

 

I do all these things routinely (even when I have said paramour in my life).  They make me happy.  And I like to be happy.

Teacher Brian Tracey says, “The happiest people in the world are those who feel absolutely terrific about themselves, and this is the natural outgrowth of accepting total responsibility for every part of their life.”

Yep.  All the sages were right when they said you have to love yourself first.  So, spend this Valentine’s Day doing just that, no matter if you’ve been shot with Cupid’s sweet arrow or wounded by it. 

What stay-happy quotes do you love?

 

 

 

The post HOW TO STAY HEALTHY AND HAPPY THIS HOLIDAY 3 Failsafe Ways for Singles appeared first on Susan Mary Malone.

YOU CAN LEARN TO BECOME AN OPTIMIST

We’re always wanting to break habits.  Unless they’re good habits!  Foster those!

But most bad habits involve thinking.  All that negative self-talk leads us to do things we don’t really want to do.  I always love the definition of addiction that says, “Not being able to get enough of what you never wanted in the first place.”  That about sums it up.

And that’s addiction to, well, just about anything.  Excluding chocolate.

Many years ago (back when I didn’t think I had negative thoughts.  LOL!  What planet was I on?), I was challenged to write down all of my thoughts in one day.  Man, did that ever get old quick.  But the shocking thing was how, ahem, un-positive they actually were.

Me, a pessimist?  Perish the thought!  But when you see it in black and white, it’s pretty tough to dismiss.

And when you start paying attention to all the pessimistic reactions to oh, just about any event, whether it’s losing a job or the mailman skipped your box that day, it’s quite the eye opener.

Like any habit, this one can be tough to break.  But in the process, it changed my life.

I love the work of Martin Seligman, MD.  A professor of psychology at the U. of Pennsylvania, he is also the director of the Positive Psychology Center there. Link  He’s authored many helpful books, and Learned Optimism is one of my favs.  Although I can take a new thought and chew on it, my best way to digest that is to read the science behind it.  And his work about pessimism and depression amazed me.

It also showed me how that even though I wasn’t a born optimist, I could become one.  Who knew!

He has a quite simple 3-step, ABC process to turning your thoughts around, replacing bad thinking with good habits.

1.     Record the Adversity.

When faced with adversity, we react by thinking about it.  We are the ones who give meaning to what happens.  The ice-cream man missing our block is, well, just that.  And although many events may seem more personal, sometimes they are but usually they’re not.  By recording when something you don’t like occurs, you begin to see the emotional valance you give it.  Because,

2.    How we think about it forms into Beliefs.

This is usually such a habit, we’re not even aware of it.  Unless we pay attention, stop, focus on them.  These beliefs are the true causes of how we react, what we feel and what we do next.  Because you know, the beliefs you hold may not be true.  Who knew!  Most are not provable.  You can’t know that the ice-cream man specifically dissed you when he passed your street.  Maybe the heat caused him to have a brain glitch.  Because only in the rarest of cases was he thinking anything about you in the first place!

   I.e., these Beliefs have Consequences.

They produce the differences in if we become dejected and give up, or have a sense of well-being and find a constructive action regarding the adversity.  If you believe said ice-cream man missed you on purpose, you’ll feel dejected and helpless.  Which leads to the idea that no one likes you.  This is all going on quite subconsciously, but you know when it does—your day turns depressing, and you can’t remember exactly why . . .

But if you challenge that belief, anything from, ‘Stupid ice-cream man!’ To, ‘Oh, well, I’ll get two red bullets tomorrow,’ the consequences will be entirely different.

This took me time and effort to get good at.  ‘Old habits die hard’ is a platitude for a reason—they’re entrenched.

But once you start paying attention to these ABCs, how easy it is to see your own disasterizing.  At least, it was for me!  And then replacing the bad ones with healthy habits becomes, well, a habit in itself.

How do you deal with negative thoughts?

 

 

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