Thom S. Rainer's Blog, page 61

8 Things to Do When You’re Ready to Quit Ministry

Some days in ministry are really hard. God’s people can be troublesome, and few seem to understand the weight that pastors and church staff carry on their shoulders. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many pastors simply worn out and ready to leave ministry as I see today.

If that’s where you are, maybe one of these suggestions will be helpful to you:

1. Be careful about making decisions in a storm. I’ve written at my own site about a sermon illustration making this point, but here’s the gist of it: if you change directions when you’re flying in a storm, you might find out you’re headed in the wrong way when you come out of the clouds. And, under God’s grace, you will come out of the clouds at some point. 

2. Review your call to ministry. I don’t know about your call, but I know mine was so clear to me that it would be hard to walk away completely. I might choose to do something else in ministry – including going bi-vocational or co-vocational – but I cannot escape my calling. It continues to ground me in my work no matter what I face.

3. Before you leave, be sure to talk with someone who’s “been there.” It might be someone who’s been there and worked through it, or it may be someone who stepped away. You might find from the latter that stepping away too quickly doesn’t resolve the issues. If you’re not already talking to others at Church Answers Central, I encourage you to join that community. It’s worth the investment.

4. Make sure you have a team of prayer warriors praying daily for you. I’ve heard too many stories of hurting pastors who don’t seek prayer support until they’ve already decided to move on. Get some folks praying proactively for you before you make that decision.

5. Look for just glimpses of God’s glory in your church. It’s easy to see only the negative—and even magnify it—when we’re hurting. That’s when we need to pray the prayer of Moses: “Please, let me see your glory” (Exo 33:18). When you pray that prayer, then, be sure to watch for what God shows you. Trust Him with anticipation.

6. If you haven’t taken some time off (either weekly or for vacation), take that time now. I’m frankly still learning to do this, learned the importance but I’ve of taking some time to “play.” I’m usually amazed by how much my perspective changes when I’ve had rest and relaxation.

7. See if your church would give you a one-month sabbatical. I know churches don’t always grant this request, but it may not hurt to ask. Maybe the leaders will recognize your need and grant it out of love for you and your family. Once in a while, congregations will surprise us . . .

8. If you do decide to leave, don’t let the enemy consume you with bitterness. Nobody wins when you carry bitterness into the future. In fact, your bitterness will become an idol if you don’t let it go—and that just makes things worse. Work hard to leave with a clear conscience and a clean heart. 

If this post speaks to your situation, let us know how we might pray for you.

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Seven Questions We Did Not Hear from Pastors Five Years Ago

It is cliché to say the landscape of church ministry has changed in the past five years, but it is most definitely true. While COVID is often the explanation for these changes, the reality is that they would have taken place anyway. COVID simply accelerated and exacerbated the changes.

We at Church Answers see those changes taking place regularly. We have 1,800 pastors and other church leaders interacting every day, asking questions, and providing insights. I looked over our community known as Church Answers Central and picked seven recent questions we likely did not hear five years ago. They are true indicators that the times are truly changing.

1. What do you do when a church member asks for financial assistance with the funeral of a family member? To be clear, this question is not likely new, but its frequency is. Obviously, deaths due to COVID explain it at least partially. Our community wants to be generous and ministry-minded, but they wonder if doing it once sets a precedence that can’t be met in the future.

2. How long should you foster another church? Church Answers introduced “fostering” to the revitalization vocabulary about two years ago. It is a simple but profound concept. One church helps another church move toward health. At the end of the fostering period, the fostered church is either healthy, still unhealthy, or adopted by the fostering church. There was a consensus that the fostering period should not exceed one year lest the fostered church becomes dependent on the fostering church.

3. How do I get my older congregation to be willing to update the facilities for safety and cleanliness? Younger families are demanding safety and cleanliness, especially in this COVID era. We do not see that changing. But churches with predominantly older congregants often don’t see the need. It’s frustrating for church leaders.

4. Does your church have a volunteer ministry coordinator? I am surprised to see the increasing frequency of this question. Frankly, I don’t have a simple answer. Some have suggested the difficulty in recruiting volunteers is the issue behind the question.

5. How do you confront conspiracy theorists who are disrupting the church? I have clear memory of a group of church members in a church I pastored in 1988 who had a disrupting conspiracy theory. They were convinced that a certain living leader was the antichrist, and that Jesus was returning on a specific date. I was able to ride out this issue until the date arrived and Jesus didn’t. Most conspiracy theorists do not have an expiration date.

6. Is there a pastor shortage? There is definitely a pastor imbalance issue. Churches are taking longer and longer to find a pastor. They report that they have plenty of resumes, but not enough qualified candidates. Denominational churches in the past could depend on the formal and informal structures of a denomination to help them find a pastor. That is not the case today, at least as much as it was several years ago.

7. What is the role of a denominational leader today? We are actually getting this question from denominational leaders. The denominational leaders who seem to be struggling are trying to work and secure resources within their own denomination. Denominational leaders who are excited about their work tend to have formed alliances and partnerships outside their own denomination.

These are seven common questions we’ve heard in recent months that we did not hear with frequency five years ago. What would you add to this list? We would love to hear from you.

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Which Methods of Personal Communication Work Best in the Church? Phone Call, Email, Text, and Social Media

Like me, you probably get a lot of messages throughout the day. They all coalesce in my smartphone. I assume most of you have the same setup. It’s convenient. But the message amalgamation can become a source of stress, especially for task-oriented people. I’m among your ranks.

So, I’m giving my thoughts about when you should use each communication channel: In-person, phone call, email, text, and social media.

In-person. This channel of communication is the most intimate. However, it can be the briefest as well. Use in-person conversations when you want to communicate something important, or if you simply need to stop by someone’s desk for a brief answer. Lead pastors should also take time each day to practice MBWA. You can’t lead a staff through a phone or computer.

Phone call. Are tone and context important? Then don’t send an email or text! Use a phone call when how you say something is just as important as the content of the message. Also, in the church, take into account the expectations of older generations. They typically prefer phone calls. Additionally, phone calls are typically more proactive by design—the passing of information from you to someone else.

Email. This channel of communication is more reactive by design—you typically need a response from someone when you send an email. For example, if you need to challenge your pastor’s theology, then email is not the proactive way to communicate. Pick up the phone or schedule an in-person meeting. However, if you have a theological question you need to ask (reactive), then email is a good way to communicate. Before sending an email consider these items:

  Use email when you have action items.   Will the message be more than a paragraph? Then email may not be the best channel.   Do you need documentation of communication? Then email is probably the best channel.   Don’t use email to escalate an issue.   What happens if someone forwards the email to the rest of the world?   Bullet points are your friends in an email.

Text. Use a text to communicate something quickly: “There are donuts in the breakroom.” If you need to send someone an action item, then use email, not a text. Texts can get lost easily. Most phones don’t queue text messages like emails, and once read, it’s easy to forget them. This communication channel also applies to text-like messaging apps. Also note, texts are convenient but not professional. Be careful what you text and to whom.

Social media. Though social media is the lowest form of communication, there are times to use it. I use these channels for “shot in the dark” connections (I don’t know the person) because it’s the only contact information I have. But when you contact someone in this way, you should not expect the person to respond. I also use Facebook Messenger for family, friends, and church member communication. I don’t respond to every message, and I don’t read every message. Some people use Facebook Messenger like email, but I don’t recommend it.

Not all communication channels are created equal. They serve different purposes and have different levels of urgency. And I know I left off snail mail. I still use it but only to write hand-written thank you notes. It’s probably my favorite channel of written communication. No emojis needed.

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The Seven Most Common Challenges for Churches in the Second Wave of COVID

Do you remember the excitement when the data began to point to a waning of COVID?

Hospitalizations were down. Deaths were declining. Offices and stores were reopening. Masks were coming off. Crowds were gathering again.

And then the second big wave of COVID came. The Delta variant spread faster and caused more infections. The world was taken aback by the virus. Businesses are shaken. Schools are wondering what to do. And churches, once again, are in the middle of this challenge.

Our team at Church Answers has been working with thousands of church leaders about leading in the second wave of COVID. Here are the seven most common challenges we see with churches:

1. Greater polarization and divisions. In the first wave of COVID, churches faced divisions over politics, masks, regathering, streaming services, and social distancing. All those divisions still exist, but the polarization over vaccinations has been added to the mix.

2. Weariness expanded. We are all tired. Church leaders particularly feel the exhaustion of dealing with so many issues. Both church leaders and members can get ornery and critical as a consequence of their exhaustion.

3. Decision fatigue growing. We have spoken to countless pastors who tell us the biggest surprise of the pandemic as a church leader was all the new decisions they had to make. Every week, many church leaders are confronted with gather or don’t gather, masks or no masks, and other issues unique to the pandemic.

4. Hopelessness pervasive. The first major wave of COVID did not have the sense of hopelessness that is endemic with the second wave. You felt in the first round that it would be over and done, even if it took a year or so. The second wave has been a real challenge. Many church leaders find themselves reminding their church members of the hope of Christ more than they ever had.

5. Confusion about the path forward. With the first wave of COVID, church leaders expressed confidence in one of two paths forward. One perspective was that churches would resume their practices just as they were before the pandemic. The second and majority view was that churches would face a new normal and must learn to adjust. But church leaders today wonder if any stability is on the horizon. There seems to be change after change with no time to catch your breath.

6. Denominational structures destabilizing. Churches that are a part of a denomination had to deal with the reality that the level of resources and help was not nearly what it was in the past. Even before COVID, most denominational structures were shrinking. But with the second wave, we see many denominational structures destabilizing. They don’t know their own future, so they are often at a loss to help the churches they serve.

7. Major personnel shifts in churches. With the first wave of COVID, we saw many churches reduce personnel costs. This second wave seems to be ushering in a new era where church leaders must rethink everything about both full-time and part-time staff. The era of bi-vocational and co-vocational ministry has arrived rapidly. There will not likely be a new normal any time soon, if ever.

Of course, churches have survived greater challenges and endured greater changes in the past 2,000 years. Many churches will survive. Some will thrive. And some will die.

In future articles, we will share with you how we see churches adjusting to these challenges. In the meantime, I would love to hear your insights.

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Systems or the Savior: How Are We Developing the Next Generation’s Faith?

I remember asking “Jake,” one of my former high school students, to articulate his faith for me. It essentially broke down to being in church his whole life, “walked the aisle” as a kid, and got baptized. What Jake told me led me to believe he really didn’t sincerely surrender to Jesus; he simply didn’t want to go to hell. His dad was a deacon, and he was a “good kid.” Jake was “in the system,” but had he trusted Jesus as his Lord and Savior?

Systems or the Savior?

I believe denominations are helpful but not crucial to the body of Christ. I’m an ordained pastor in a large evangelical protestant denomination, and it’s easy to get used to “the way things are done” and slowly start to only function in that system. Moreover, pride can undoubtedly creep in, and you begin to think your system’s way of doing things is the best or only way to do ministry. Complacency is a scary place to find yourself. I continue to be a part of my denomination because of the undeniable stance on the authority of Scripture and its high view of missions. But I also have seen amid all the “systems” people treating Christianity as a checklist and the belief they are set for eternity. In the good moments and the struggles, I have often considered this fact: are we connecting students to a system or the Savior? What are we really producing?

Questions and Answers

Again, I believe systems are not inherently wrong in and of themselves. Yet, after talking with Jake, and many since then, the theme that keeps coming back is this: what we believe is the core and “that’s just the way things are going to be.” Hear me clearly, the core convictions and teachings of the Bible are not up for debate. The virgin birth (Matthew 1), Jesus’ sinless life (2 Cor. 5:21), substitutionary atonement (Rm. 5:8), the bodily resurrection (Luke 24:5), His imminent return (Mt. 24:36), and the sufficiency of Scripture (2 Tim. 3:16) are non-negotiable.

But I wonder if someone ever made it safe for Jake to ask questions and work out his salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12). Teenagers today are asking challenging questions, and that is okay. They are being raised in a different world than you and I did. We must embrace their questions and help them see Jesus. Contemporary apologist and youth worker Sean McDowell once said, “My doubts drive me to find answers and also to rest in God’s grace. As a church, we must make space for people to doubt. In fact, we should invite it.”

Recently, ministry leaders of mine spoke to about 100 students in a conference setting. Afterward, about a dozen of those students wanted to dialogue with them. So, they pulled up a couple of chairs and, for two hours, let these high school students ask any questions. What did these ministry leaders do? They made it safe for these students to ask questions.

Equipping Parents

I also think about Jake’s parents. They were great people who truly wanted what was best for their kids. However, after spending time with his parents, I wonder if they had ever truly equipped their kids in the faith. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told, “that is why we pay you.” Many churched parents are also a product of the system they were raised within. Go to church, don’t get in trouble, and say, “Yes ma’am and no ma’am.” Again, not bad things to teach to our kids, but that is not New Testament Christianity. We don’t worship a system—we embrace the Savior.

Students crave and love authentic relationships. This is the main reason that group of high school students was so grateful for my ministry friends. They showed willingness, and they truly cared about them. My challenge to parents is the same. Be intentional with your kids and your own faith journey. Walk with Jesus and allow them to see you pursue Jesus.

How We Can Help

At the end of the day, we must seek to model what a genuine walk with Jesus looks like. One time, a middle school student shared with me his struggle with connecting real life to the Bible. “Pastor Daniel, the disciples didn’t wear pants, and they never played Minecraft,” were his exact words. You got to love the awkwardness of middle school students. But what he was communicating was a desire to know what it truly means to follow Jesus in his context. Students desperately need people in their lives that will invest in them and model for them what pursuing Jesus is all about. This is what students like Jake need in their life more than anything. Systems are helpful, but they should never replace the Savior.

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What Should You Do When You Get Hate Messages? Four Options to Consider

Most leaders get them. Every so often, someone will send an unwarranted venomous note, letter, or email. If you’ve ever received one, then you know they rarely come from someone close. Most of the time, they come from people you hardly know. In the church, these malicious messages are usually about irrelevant specifics, not the essentials of discipleship or the direction of a leader’s vision. Most annoyingly, they often come as a surprise from someone who has never expressed any previous disagreements in person.

Regardless of how off base such a letter may be, it still represents the perspective of a person in the church family. So what do you do? Obviously, leaders do not lead by people-pleasing. And anonymous letters make for good practice at trash can basketball. However, nastygrams—as I like to call them—from members willing to put their names on them deserve a response. Here are four options.

1. Ignore the message. Sometimes people really are senseless—giving them an audience only worsens the problem. Some notes do not deserve a response. However, in many cases, ignoring people is bad leadership. Pretending problems don’t exist is foolish.

2. Pout over the message. People-pleasers (most of us leaders) hate to get these types of notes. It brings us down. It consumes our thoughts. We mope. We sulk about as if no one else appreciates us. Pouting gets you nowhere. Pouting can cause your supporters to think less of you.

3. Fight back against the message. This is the worst option—using your leadership position to trade insults. The temptation is great to fire back a pithy, rancorous reply. But such banter does not honor God. Leaders in the church are called to be above reproach, not below the belt.

4. Use the message as an opportunity for gracious leadership. Nastygrams can be opportunities to reach out to people and enlighten them to the greater purpose of your vision. Put their concern in the grander perspective of where you are headed as a leader. Perhaps they have bad information about you. Perhaps their bitter message is the result of gossip from others. Buried in the insult, perhaps they have a point. You might have the opportunity to build a bridge to an entire group of people. You might gain a stronger ally after graciously reaching out. In every case, you have the opportunity to show the love of Christ.

With all nastygrams, it’s important not to focus on them. Don’t let them consume you. And I hope your files are like mine. I’ve received piles (literally) of encouraging notes and letters from people of all generations at my church. The nastygram is a rarity. When it comes, I try to use it as an opportunity. It’s tough—and I’ve not always responded appropriately—but I’ve never regretted responding by speaking the truth in love.

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7 Ways You Just Know Somebody’s Praying for You

This week, my family had a memorial service for my mom, who unexpectedly died last week. My father-in-law is also seemingly in his last days, and we remain by his bedside. Their respective faith in Christ has allowed us to grieve differently than the world does, but the grief is still real.

One of the things that keeps us moving forward, though, is the recognition that believers are praying for us. Based on my experience, here are some ways we know prayer is happening:

1. Brothers and sisters in Christ let us know they’re praying for us. That’s an obvious assumption, I know, but here’s my point: just knowing believers have said they’re praying for us reminds us others are with us in our grief. I’m glad they’ve sent us cards, emails, and texts.

2. God’s strength in us is renewed every day. Some days, the emotional and physical fatigue has been overwhelming. You grieve one loss as you prepare for a second one. Somehow, though, you find strength to press on – because God’s people are praying.

3. We somehow sleep when the burden is heavy. True, sleep doesn’t always come easily—and sometimes it occurs as naps during the day more than hours in the night—but sleep does come. God grants us that rest in response to the prayers of others.

4. When we need to be alert and focused, God has guided us. All of us must make important decisions in times like these, and we often do so without sufficient rest when grief overwhelms us. Somehow, though, God always grants grace and guidance just when we need it. Others have been praying that way for us.

5. The stress of these days has not led to arguing and division. As a pastor, I’ve seen just the opposite happen too often. Families squabble. Conflicting opinions get exacerbated. Hearts get hardened. Prayer has a way, though, of breaking through those potential walls.

6. We grieve, but with the assurance of heaven and hope. Our assurance is not a crutch for a weak people; it’s the confident faith that our God keeps His Word to those who love Him. Resurrection is reality—not fiction. As God’s people pray, our faith grows amid pain.

7. We just know we’re not alone. I can’t explain it, actually. The Comforter in us has been so real we can’t deny His work. God’s Word has been so encouraging we look forward to hearing His voice each day. God’s presence in response to the prayers of His people has been undeniable. And, that’s exactly what we’ve needed.

Would you as part of the Church Answers family say a prayer for my family today? 

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The 30-40-30 Hypothesis for the Post-Quarantine Church

Are we beginning to see an attendance pattern among churches in North America?

During our weekly Church Answers team meeting, Chuck Carter raised this question. He coaches several pastors for Church Answers. Other team members chimed in, particularly those who work with church leaders every week.

There was a sense of unanimity among us that he was seeing what we all were seeing. For now, we are calling it the 30-40-30 hypothesis. Let’s look at some of the salient points we affirmed. 

Compared to pre-COVID numbers, about 30% of church worship attendance has disappeared. Of course, this number represents an observation more than detailed research. Also, there are always outlier churches. For example, one megachurch pastor told me that his worship attendance is only at 50% at this point. Another pastor said to me that his attendance is 110% above pre-COVID numbers. But, overall, we agreed that 30% is a good representative number for those who have not returned to worship services.About 40% of the attendees that have returned are only marginally committed. They may show up once a month, twice a month at most. They are attendees only. They tend not to be involved in small groups, nor do they get involved in ministries in the church. Many church leaders suspect they do not significantly support the church financially, but most of these leaders admitted they do not have access to individual giving records.Another 30% of the pre-COVID number have returned, and they are significantly committed to the church. They are involved in ministry and volunteer positions. They fill gaps where others have dropped out. They attend worship services with almost weekly faithfulness. And they are likely committed financial supporters of the church.In summary, the 30-40-30 number represents the dropouts (30%), the marginally committed (40%), and the committed (30%).

Church Answers was planning to move forward with a more statistically reliable survey of churches regarding attendance patterns, but we are postponing it for now. We want to see how long this current COVID spike lasts. It is premature to determine how churches are doing when we have no idea what a new normal may look like.

We would love to hear from you regarding attendance patterns at your church. Is your church experiencing something like the 30-40-30 attendance pattern? If your attendance patterns are significantly different, let us know what they are.

Also, we see a slower recovery among larger churches, particularly churches with an attendance above 500. And megachurches (average weekly worship attendance of 2,000 and above) are recovering the slowest. Is this pattern true for those of you who serve larger churches?

These are challenging times for everyone, particularly church leaders. Please know that our team at Church Answers prays for you regularly. We are here to pray for your specific prayer requests and help you in any way we can.

Above all, thank you for your ministry in serving others in the name of our Lord. Despite the challenges you face, be assured that your work is not in vain.

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No More Ghost Towns

Imagine for a moment that you serve on the hospitality team at your church. You show up faithfully each week. You attend your Sunday School class, and the moment class is over you start serving. You grab your name tag and head for your spot. You flawlessly execute the plan handed down to you by your team leader.

Every week, like clockwork: Sunday School ends at 10:45. In place by 10:48. Shake hands, hand out bulletins, hold the door, smile, greet, connect, engage. Service starts at 11:00. Take care of the stragglers until 11:04. In the pew by 11:05.

And the vast majority of churches would be grateful for a faithful, dependable, set-their-watch-by-your-service volunteer. As well they should be: it’s hard to get good help these days!

On the other hand…

But take another moment and imagine you’re not a volunteer who serves guests, but rather you’re the guest. And imagine you’re checking out a local church for the first time. You’ve researched it online. You’ve figured out the quickest route from your house. You know what time the services start and what sort of doctrine the church holds.

And on the morning you’ve planned to attend for the first time, chaos reigns: kids won’t get out of bed. Your six year old spills milk all over the floor. The shirt you’d planned to wear has a stain. World War III breaks out in your marriage. The baby has a blowout as soon as you get in the car.

You had a plan to leave in plenty of time, but you got a late start. The good news is, you won’t be terribly late. In fact, you roll in the parking lot at 11:06.

There’s only one problem: where do you park? Which door do you enter? Which way do you go to find the kids area? Where’s the auditorium?

Why ghost towns are problematic for guest culture

There’s a glaring issue that surrounds those who faithfully serve for the first five minutes of the service: what happens when a guest arrives at minute number six? Do they intuitively know where to park, where to walk, and where to find the restrooms? Or are they showing up to a virtual ghost town, not seeing any human life forms until they stumble their way into the auditorium and find themselves facing the backs of 400 heads with a worship service already in progress?

I’ve found that people who are late are usually those who are most in need of a good first impression. They need a friendly face, clear direction, assurance that they’re in the right spot, and a helping hand to get from the street to the seat. They need someone who knows the open parking spaces and the open spots in the pew. They need someone who has planned the experience and gone before them in order to make the morning as smooth as it can be. They need someone to live the gospel in order that they may hear the gospel.

If you’re a leader at your church, I’d encourage you to take a walk this weekend. Set a few alarms for five minutes after the service begins, 15 after, 30 after, 45 after. And in those moments, wander out to the lobby, to the entry doors, to the sidewalk, and to the parking lot. Do you see greeters ready to greet? Or do you see a ghost town that is devoid of life?

Maybe more important than what you see…what do your guests see?

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Winning Over Three Kinds of Your Most Difficult Church Members

Every church has difficult people. Most people will be difficult at some point. Likely, you’ve been a difficult person. Some are consistently difficult, while others are only difficult in certain scenarios.

Do not confuse difficult people with antagonists.

Difficult people challenge you. Antagonists are hostile. Difficult people can be supportive. Antagonists default to opposition. Difficult people are usually stubborn because they believe they are right. Antagonists are bullies because they are selfish. Just because a person is difficult does not mean he or she is sinning.

You deal with those who are difficult much differently than those who are antagonists. God will use difficult people to sharpen your leadership skills, but pastors should protect the sheep from antagonists.

People in the church are difficult for three main reasons.

They challenge your leadership.They consume your time.They drain you emotionally.

What does a difficult person look like, and how can you win them over?

The well-informed influencer has been in the church and community for an extended time. People trust his or her opinion. These influencers can sway a room with a few comments even if they do not hold a position of power. People listen to them because they like them. When the well-informed influencer challenges your leadership, you usually have a lot of work in front of you. Rather than challenging influencers, ask them to work with you on a modified plan. I use the 80% rule when making decisions in the church. If I can get to 80% of my original vision, then it’s usually worth moving forward. Consensus can build momentum. Hard-nosed visionaries often have their ideas die on deserted islands.

The stubborn gatekeeper may or may not be liked by others, but he or she holds a position of formal power in the church. These gatekeepers can be chairs of committees, elders on a board, or part of the deacon body. They control meetings by setting the agendas and are not afraid to leverage their position of power. Rather than overpowering their authority, try the leadership tactic of asking thoughtful questions. You don’t want to get into a one-on-one battle with the gatekeeper in front of others. 

When you calmly and humbly ask questions, you are less likely to agitate and more likely to disarm. Additionally, thoughtful questions often prompt others to speak up.

The competitive debater loves a good argument and relishes in the back-and-forth nature of heated banter. Frankly, debaters may not even realize how difficult they can be. They have fun arguing and are energized by conflict. Often, they mean nothing personal, but their desire to win arguments is time-consuming and draining. Trying to beat them at their own game will not only exhaust you but also everyone else who is in the room. Win over the debaters by deflecting the argument with humor. Granted, the use of humor can be dangerous, especially if you don’t land the joke. A safe way to use humor is by being self-deprecating. Disarm the needless argument with humor.

Do not treat difficult people as if they are antagonists. Often, difficult people have good motives, but they struggle to channel their energy appropriately. You can help them by de-escalating their challenges rather than exhausting yourself trying to prove them wrong.

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