Kent Wayne's Blog, page 4

Yet another weird ad for my novels

“Yes, that’s it, Kent…”  Professor X’s furrowed brow gets extra furrowed as he intently oversees my mutant power training.  “Control it…CONTROL IT…”

“NYAARGH!”  My wiener slips away and boi-oi-oings around the Danger Room, smashing and cracking the walls and deck.  “God DAMMIT!”  I sink to my knees and hammer-fist the floor.  “Why have I been cursed with this upcurved girth monster?  WHY???”

Jean Grey places a hand on my shoulder.  “It’s okay, Kent.  We all had trouble controlling our gifts.”  She glances at my peen, clears her throat, and flushes bright red.  “Yours is…mmm…”  She closes her eyes and starts playing with her neck line.  “Mm mm MMM…”

“The fuck are you doing???”  Wolverine busts in and levels a finger at Jean.  “You said his cartoonishly big womb-hammer didn’t turn you on!  Jean, we talked about—”

“What are YOU doing???”  Cyclops busts in and levels a finger at Wolverine.  “Stop trying to fuck my wife!  She used to smell good—now she smells like a wad of wet rotten carpet!”

“Whose problem is that, bub?”  Wolverine turns around and unsheathes his claws—SHING.  “Back the fuck off or I’m gonna shish-kebab that clit you try to pass off as your cock!”

As Cyclops raises a hand to his visor, his lips quiver with rage.  Holy fuck—if I don’t do something, these two are gonna kill each other.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Control of my wiener—finally!  I sweep Cyclops off his feet with the glans, then snake it around his neck and choke him unconscious.  Wolverine leaps at the shaft, claws raised—hhrRAAAGHH—but I mushroom-stamp him thrice, whap-pap-papping him into a senseless daze.  Then I shloop my headskin onto his face and melt it off by secreting smeg from the folds.  He’d probably scream his ass off if he still had a working mouth and brain.

“I said God DAMN!”  Jean wipes off drool with the back of her wrist.  “Need to get me some a’ that sau-SEEJ!”  As she telekinetically flies us off, I start humming the X-men theme from the ’90s animated series.  Never thought it would herald a session of hole-widening pleasure, but don’t buy a gift horse when your dick’s getting sucked, or however that saying goes.  You know what I mean. 

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

Have Cyclops and Wolverine erupted with small-dick energy and threatened your chances to hook up with Jean?  Never fear!  Buy my books, destroy them with your genitals, then seduce Jean into an ecstatic widening!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  [image error][image error] [image error]  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Give my books a read and a review!

What the dick-smear is happening, all you vengeance-minded folk who see your boss’s unattended coffee cup so you give the rim a swipe of your spicy-musky nether-bits—SQWWEEEEEEEP—and restrain your giggles as your boss raises the mug to their lips, then gives you an evil-ass smile and says they’ve been cumming on your door handle and keyboard for the past five months you lift your hands up and stare in disbelief from one to the other, no no no NO your boss goes on to inform you that if your fingers could get pregnant, they’d be shacked up in a trailer home with a dozen kids apiece, telling their husband Cletus to get some damn milk and feed the damn gators—

And THAT, my friends, is why you’ve got the advantage when it comes to sperm-fighting!  You never know when you’ll go up against a jizz-slinging mastermind who just made your hands into swamp-trash baby mills!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy series, the Unbound Realm.  Volume 1 is A Door into Evermoor.  Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  I’ve just published volume 2:  Weapons of Old  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Musings

In my experience, the stories we tell ourselves (about ourselves) are some of the most powerful spells we can cast on our behavior and perceived quality of life. That’s why I think it’s productive to look inward, and examine what I’d like to adopt as a narrative.

Yet another weird ad for my novels

Grammar Nazi Prime races ahead of me.  “Victory is mine!”  He snatches Aladdin’s Lamp and gives me the finger.  “Now you will pay for besmirching grammar and diction!”

“Wait!”  I extend a hand.  “You don’t have to—” 

The lamp emits a blinding flash.

AFTER SPACE-TIME CALMS BACK DOWN…

What the…someone taped me to the back of a chair.  HRRHHH!  I strain as hard as I can, but the duct tape holds. 

CLOP.  CLOP.  CLOP.  Soccer moms filter into the warehouse, clopping their heels against the bare cement floor. 

“Thank God!” I gasp.  “I’ve serviced half of you as a grade-A Man Whore!  Cut this tape off and—”

“Shut it!”  One of them smacks me across the face, then knocks the wind out of me with a painful body hook. 

I turn to the side and hock up blood.  “Why…why did you…”

Grammar Nazi Prime steps into view and folds his hands behinds his back.  “It’s a different world, Kent.  Literally.  Allow me to demonstrate.”  He yanks my pants down to my ankles.

The soccer moms immediately erupt into laughter.  “Look at that cartoonishly humongous penis—who would want to get serviced by THAT?”

At first I think it’s a twisted joke.  Then it dawns on me.  ‘It’s a different world, Kent.  Literally.’

“That’s right.”  His lips spread wide in a bloodless grin.  “Big wieners are considered unattractive.”

“Aladdin’s lamp…”  My eyes widen in abject horror.  “You UNCONSCIONABLE FUCK!”

He grips me by the neck.  “Do you know what it’s like…”  He bares his teeth in a murderous snarl.  “To have to jerk off with a pair of special grippy tweezers?  To be jealous of a winter-shrunken GODDAMN HAMSTER’S TAIL???”

I can’t help but snort with laughter.  “Hamster tail?  Bro, I figured it would at least be equal to a goddamn gerbil’s but—”

“ENOUGH!”  He raises a chainsaw and starts the motor.  RRMM RRMM RRRMMMM!!!  “THIS ENDS NOW!”

Holy FUCK.  Never, EVER piss off a small-wienered Grammar Nazi!  No options left.  So I put every ounce of muscle into breaking free of the tape—skkRIIP!—then reach in my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

My wiener grows to T-Rex proportions, eclipsing Grammar Nazi Prime’s face with its helmet-headed shadow. 

He looks up and whispers, “Mother of G—”

That’s all he manages before it rockets down, mashing him into the concrete floor.  Simultaneously, the soccer moms snap out of it and swarm my frenulum, peppering it with fervent hugs and kisses. 

Ain’t nothin’ better than a passionate frenulum-hug—Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh! 

Have hamster-penised malcontents turned the world upside down, and brainwashed the populace into hating your genitals?  Never fear!  Buy my books, grow a tyranno-peen, and mash them into the goddamn dirt! 

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  [image error][image error] [image error]  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Today is the LAST day the Echo series is FREE!

Today is the LAST day the entire Echo series—Echo 1, 2, 3, 4—is FREE on Kindle!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  I’ve also published it in paperback!  Get it here:  A Door into Evermoor, paperback Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

The Echo series is FREE for today and tomorrow! (8/7-8/8)

The entire Echo series—Echo 1, 2, 3, 4—is FREE on Kindle for today and tomorrow!  (8/7-8/8) #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  I’ve also published it in paperback!  Get it here:  A Door into Evermoor, paperback Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

The Echo series is FREE for three days! (8/6-8/8)

The entire Echo series—Echo 1, 2, 3, 4—is FREE on Kindle for three days!  (8/6-8/8) #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  I’ve also published it in paperback!  Get it here:  A Door into Evermoor, paperback Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

The Echo series is FREE for four days! (8/5-8/8)

The entire Echo series—Echo 1, 2, 3, 4—is FREE on Kindle for four days!  (8/5-8/8) #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  I’ve also published it in paperback!  Get it here:  A Door into Evermoor, paperback Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

The Echo series is FREE for five days! (8/4-8/8)

The entire Echo series—Echo 1, 2, 3, 4—is FREE on Kindle for five days!  (8/4-8/8) #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  I’ve also published it in paperback!  Get it here:  A Door into Evermoor, paperback Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Tomorrow, the Echo series is FREE for five days! (8/4-8/8)

Tomorrow, the entire Echo series—Echo 1, 2, 3, 4—is FREE on Kindle for five days!  (8/4-8/8) #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  I’ve also published it in paperback!  Get it here:  A Door into Evermoor, paperback Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1