Tedder's Blog, page 11

Mirror Mirror ~ Self Harm

What better way to start a week but through introspection.

QUESTION: If I asked myself the question, “How do I harm myself?” I have a myriad of ways.

Oh, we know the usual harms of hurting our flesh (over eating or self-indugent behavior of any kind). But, beyond the obvious ways — what about harming ourselves through:

Detrimental thoughtsSelf-demeaning wordsContaminating violations of self-abhorenceHating the image of yourselfVile words of contempt about who you are, who you’ve been or who you are not

I could make this list long, I’m sure. I have spoken more negative words to myself than I have positive ones. Isn’t that the agreement I made as a child?

The words around me in childhood were defeating — improvised words of self-hatred being taught to me. Oh the damage that tries to stay with me.

Today, I do my best to defeat this inner dialogue. It serves NO GOOD PURPOSE. But, it’s a tough one.

Father, today, I come before you and graciously ask you to teach me how to love myself on a deeper level. I am your child everyday — that should be enough but I hold myself in contempt for things I have or haven’t done. Help me find peace. Help me find deeper love. Help me be still. Perfect me in your love.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Fear Not Friday | What am I afraid of?

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On the discussion of fear — ask yourself this question: “What am I afraid of?“

There was a time in my life that I was just scared — all the time. Almost like fear sat over me like a cloud constantly raining. I didn’t know how to articulate the fear. From my birth it was just a steady companion.

It’s taken strict adherence to the promises of God to change that. I cling to his words and they set me free.

But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. ~  Isaiah 43:1 For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” ~  Isaiah 41:13 For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. ~  2 Timothy 1:7 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. ~  Deuteronomy 31:6

Be blessed today!

The Great Balancing Act

How many of us really know how to be still? Do nothing? I know I really struggle with it. My personality is such that I’m always trying to optimize, heal, learn, do, be better. But it’s exhausting and can be counterproductive in terms of really being present in our lives.

I’ve been trying to teach my kids the valuable skill of doing nothing by setting a timer for 10 mins and instructing them to literally do nothing. No toys, no TV, zilch! And I follow suite. It isn’t easy! For any of us. But it’s a good practice to be in, I believe.

Fulfillment is a balancing act between moments of joy and moments of stillness. One of the hardest things is learning to be okay with this duality of life.

Often we can find more fulfillment simply by paying attention. Notice every now and again when you feel a sense of calm. When you’re going for a walk, notice how you put one foot in front of the other without thinking about it. Sometimes that in itself is enough to amaze me and bring me a sense of contentment.

B

Words of Widsom ~ I Don’t Live by the Rules of This Culture

Prejudice exists. I’m often judged and categorized for discussing my upbringing. It gets old. I’d be much more acceptable to them if I didn’t stand by my right to speak.

Uncomfortable and unending, the opinions around me fly. Why don’t they be quiet? I didn’t ask them, did I?

Unfortunately, this judgment and my shame had me spending time on the wrong side of the tracks. There, I found my people, I suppose. They were more tolerable of me and had understanding. They often had their own story to tell.

It was easier than trying to fit my square peg into society’s round hole.

I hurt myself more than once as a result of being shunned and quieted. The world’s rules that tell us to keep quiet are designed to hurt. These rules seem to mimic the rules of my father.

Let’s see, there is “Don’t talk unless you’re spoken to” – that’s one. How about this, “You can join us and be apart of us when you get your pain under control.” I heard that one a lot as a kid. I’m still hearing it now, as an adult. Go heal yourself and come back.

Why do the rules of this world look the same as the rules of an abuser?

I have decided I’m not living by those rules anymore. I have my own. I can be messy and unafraid. I can be vulnerable and strong.

I’m not living by the rules of this culture any longer.
It tells me how to think,
what to say, and who and how to love.

God tells me to shout from the roof tops what He’s been speaking to me. He tells me, “I’m free.” He calls me by name and says, “I am courageous.”

So, I didn’t start this war but with the strength of God, I am ending it in my life.

Acceptance

I sometimes think of myself as a “fledgling warrior of acceptance”.

Why “warrior?” Because unconditional acceptance is so damn hard!

Why “fledgling?”, because I’m not very good at it!

True acceptance is to acknowledge the facts of the world as they are and to interact gracefully with the demands of the present moment, whether you like the way things are right now or not. This involves confronting uncomfortable truths. For instance, it could mean we are willing to experience feelings of sadness and allow the unhappy feeling to exist for the time it takes to pass through our heart. Rather than attempting to escape from uncomfortable emotions—and getting stuck in our resistance—we accept all feelings with self-compassion. 

This kind of heroic acceptance is just an acknowledgement of reality as it is—not as we wish it were, not as we think it should be, but as it is in the present moment, including potentially disappointing aspects. It takes commitment and courage, but when applied correctly, this warrior skill removes the added tension that comes with judging (and resisting) a reality as good or bad, right or wrong.

It allows us to redirect our energies to access resources—inner and outer—and be more creative. Acceptance helps us clarify our goals, given the current circumstances, rather than dwelling on“shoulds” or “if-onlys.”   

B

Mirror Mirror ~ Come Out of the Woodwork

What better way to start a week but through introspection.

QUESTION: What if we all stood up together and insisted on justice, said we will accept nothing less than change, and the ability to tell our stories.

Given the prevalence of incest, and that the family is the basic unit upon which society rests, imagine what would happen if every kid currently being abused — and every adult who was abused but stayed silent — came out of the woodwork, insisted on justice, and saw that justice meted out. They very fabric of society would be torn.

The Atlantic

View from My Office Window

God cares!

I want you to know how hard I am contending for you . . ., and for all who have not met me personally.
2 My goal is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ,
3 in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.

Colossians 2: 1-3

Are you feeling lonely? Be with me thru my Audiobook

I particpated in a mental health presentation the other day. The speaker spoke a lot about connection and how it helps thwart anxiety. One of the antidotes was to listen to an audiobook. If you’ve come through trauma, trust me, I lead you through a “captivating emotional journey!” Let me be with you through my spoken words.

Here’s a link you can use to sign up for Audible for free: https://www.audible.com/pd/B0C3WK21ZK/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-ACX0-349773&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_349773_rh_us.

Retail audio sample here:

Grab your paperback or Kindle and read along if that’s your preference.

Fear Not Friday | Do You Fear God is Full of Punishment?

On the discussion of fear, do you see God sitting in heaven holding a big stick ready to punish you?

Mercy and grace can be differentiated as follows: mercy is the act of withholding deserved punishment, while grace is the act of endowing unmerited favor. In His mercy, God does not give us the punishment we deserve, namely hell; while in His grace, God gives us the gift we do not deserve, namely heaven. Mercy and grace are two sides of a coin – and the coin is love.

God’s love. God’s mercy. God’s grace.

These are the things that have changed me.

The more I sinned, the more I needed God’s grace and mercy for the things I’d done wrong. I was learning I needed His love to guide me. I wasn’t on auto-pilot anymore simply following the commands of my abusers.

Ah, grace. It was my new found favorite thing.

What if I’d stayed that good Christian girl full of denial and anger? I needed no grace, because I wasn’t bad. I was so good that I accepted the abuse of everyone around me.

When I started living my own life, I made mistakes. I’ve been married four times, had affairs with married men, drank until the wee hours of the night, then sometimes woke up and did it all again.

Ah, yes, now I was living grace. And you know what, I haven’t been punished but blessed.

Disillusionment

Avoidance based on fear will not protect you from experiencing pain but it will prevent you from growing and learning and evolving and deepening connections with yourself, others and even God.

Getting hurt by people is hard. Getting hurt by what God allows can feel unbearable. While I might phrase my disillusionment as a question of why or how, when I lay my head on my tear-soaked pillow, questions can turn into bitter feelings (and have).

Since trust in relationships is built in part with good communication, then more effectively praying has to play a role in my trust with God – that has been a new one for me. Up until now, with prayer, I’ve expected too little of God and too much of myself. I’ve expected an infinite God to reduce His vast ways of doing things down to only what I can think up and pray for.

Yes, people may create chaos that’s not from God. And yes, the brokenness of this world may bring brokenness to my reality. But in the midst of this, there is good provision from God! That’s what I must look for and make the choice to see.

B

Words of Wisdom | JUMP

Both of my parents exercised their power in cruel and unloving ways.

As a little girl I did my very best to do what pleased them. I kept a smile on my face when we were around people. I invested large amounts of my time denying who they were. At all costs to myself, I towed the line of being an obedient child.

Tyranny is designed to limit the freedom of those under its control. I see time and time again this desire of abused children to stay under this regime. A system designed to keep you ensnared to it.

Isn’t incest the death of good in a child? Doesn’t it leach life from the victim’s being?

It was a struggle to walk away from them – clean. Their tyrannical lead had taught me better than that. But, did I want to be tormented until my death? If I continued to walk beside him, isn’t that what it might look like?

Me, my grandmother and a Chrissy doll.

This is a picture of me with my maternal grandmother. My father raped her and did other things none of us will ever know. I know this because the night before he died he confessed and said to me, “I did terrible, terrible things to your grandmother. Terrible things.”

Who are these people? Deeper still – why do we struggle with angst to leave them?

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Galatians 5:1

Forgiveness should keep distance between you and your abuser. Lack of forgiveness may keep you closer to them than you realize.

Take a leap of faith!
JUMP!
Leaving them behind.
It’s mandatory for your healing.