Tedder's Blog, page 13

When Self- Preservation Backfires

The instinct to self-preserve can be strong. Especially after grief or heartache or worse.

This instinct of self-preservation can protect us from repeating mistakes and experiencing pain, but it can also prevent us from living life to the fullest.

A full life is made of a wide range of experiences, and some of these experiences will be unpleasant.

Job situations change. People and pets become ill and die. Relationships end.

Avoidance based on fear will not protect you from experiencing pain but it will prevent you from growing and learning and evolving and deepening connections with yourself, others and even God.

Too-intense self preservation will steal your peace.

Getting hurt by people is hard. Getting hurt by what God allows can feel unbearable. While I might phrase my disillusionment as a question of why or how, when I lay my head on my tear-soaked pillow, questions can turn into bitter feelings (and have).

Since trust in relationships is built in part with good communication, then more effectively praying has to play a role in my trust with God – that has been a new one for me. Up until now, with prayer, I’ve expected too little of God and too much of myself. I’ve expected an infinite God to reduce His vast ways of doing things down to only what I can think up and pray for.

Yes, people may create chaos that’s not from God. And yes, the brokenness of this world may bring brokenness to my reality. But in the midst of this, there is good provision from God! That’s what I must look for and make the choice to see.

B

Miror Mirror | You Win!

Introspection — what better way to start a week.

A thought to ponder: What if God told you, “You win!”

Psalms 13, David starts with:

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
    and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
    How long will my enemy triumph over me?

This passages in the bible always remind me of my many sexual predators in childhood and beyond. They are the “wicked ones” I’ve known the most. I’ve watched them live out these words that David writes.

It can be very distressing to witness how many of these abusers walk on – seemingly unscathed by their filthy actions. I do believe a very different ending to their story than they do.

David ends that Psalms with:

5But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
    for he has been good to me.

Justice and accountability will be served, of this I am sure. God is a God of justice. It’s the foundation of His throne. He holds accountable for each of us.

It is sometimes difficult not to stop and look at the lack of justice I’ve seen. My father died and literally got away with murder. His own mouth spoke about the “child molestation” hours before he died. His best friend and accomplice is those days just died last week.

You think that eternity doesn’t hold a reckoning for these actions? If you are a God-fearing person that respects the lessons He left for us through the words of the bible, you have HOPE.

My legs grow weary with the lack of accountability I see, that’s true. It seems sometimes the wicked even gain ground as they move about, mocking their victims through what looks like a successful life.

Don’t be fooled. God isn’t.

I am not sure what God has in store for my future and the future of my children, but I know that it’s good. That is where my hope lives.

When Your Trauma Gets Old

When you feel like you’re finally out your trauma but quickly realize your trauma is not out of you.

The truth is that trauma is not just “in your head”… and you can’t think yourself out of it.

Lord knows I’ve tried!

After all, trauma is an invisible wound. When we as survivors can forget it’s there.

There are many days when I want to simply be completely moved on from my past. I get sick of its impact on my life and in my body. But then I come back around to the idea that running always makes it worse and that staying and continuing to do the work to heal my body is the only way to continue forward.

Lugging emotions, trauma, guilt, resentment, and memories with us can compound day-to-day stress, to further age us, wreak havoc on our bodies and health, and result in serious long-term consequences, such as excess weight, anxiety, and even physical pain and poor posture. Even doctors are now on board with these facts.

We may be out of the situations that traumatized us but they may not fully be out of us.

Keep going. Every prayer. Every act of self care and balancing the nervous system is a gift to oneself and another step out of the pit of trauma.

B

Don’t shrink from vulnerability

One of the hardest things… is taking time to allow ourselves to feel whatever we feel—frightened, anxious, or uncertain.

Our default position is to try and protect ourselves from pain, but it never really works.

Trying to cover over our vulnerability cuts us off from fully experiencing what life has to offer.

Plus, it makes us shrink into ourselves—and it prevents us from seeing the vulnerability of all other people.

Something we could try is when we feel bad about something—worried about money, or fearful of getting sick—is to simply allow ourselves to experience the feeling.

Most of the time we get drawn into our feelings and swept away by the rush of thoughts and stories that we weave around them.

Then we really feel bad.

What we could try here is to lightly touch the feeling and accept that we’re feeling it. We simply hold it in our awareness.

Gradually, we can remember that these are exactly the same kind of feelings that everyone has. Just as we are vulnerable, so are other people.

B

Denial

I think the greatest illusion we have is that denial protects us. It’s actually the biggest distortion and lie. In fact, staying asleep is what’s killing us.

Denial is defined by Merriam-Webster as refusal to admit the truth or reality of something. Sigmund Freud, way back in the 19th century postulated that denial is unconsciously choosing to push back on factual truths because to admit them would be too psychologically uncomfortable and require facing the unbearable.

Many people live in a state of denial and don’t even realize it. They also don’t realize how dangerous it can truly be.

We can’t protect ourselves and we can’t protect others in a state of denial.

Almost all of us have had experiences so uncomfortable or traumatizing that we do everything in our power to push the memories or feelings aside. Or maybe there is an everyday reality we live with that feels too impossible to cope with, so we pretend it doesn’t exist, and that dealing with it is not our responsibility.

That is denial.

The state of denial usually feels much more comfortable than confronting difficult feelings or circumstances…

Denial may feel easier, but it actually only intensifies whatever challenging feelings you are dealing with, making them more difficult to move on from.

-Brit

Words of Wisdom | God is Your Witness

When I first began to tell my story, I was fearful. I felt unbelieved. I had no witness to corroborate the crimes I’d lived through.

A strange thing began to happen as I talked. People did listen, whether they wanted to or not, my story was being heard.

I received a call one day from my brother’s ex-wife. She said, “Jodie, your brother told the children that you believe Papa murdered a woman and buried her on the property. Then he told them that you are crazy. Would you be willing to come over and talk with the kids about this?”

I told her I would absolutely come and chat with them.

My nephew and niece were probably 9 and 11, or somewhere in that age bracket.

I started by telling them they were far too young to have been involved in this conversation, but that I was willing to tell them the truth. I left out most details but confirmed that Papa had indeed killed a woman in front of me when I was a child and buried her on his property.

My brother built a home on my parents’ property and he lived their with his children and his wife for a few years. After the divorce, they all moved from the property.

My nephew said to me, “Aunt Jodie, how did the woman die? I was playing one day on the property and saw a blonde woman coming out of the woods with her throat slit.”

I nearly had to leave the room when I heard his words. How could he have possibly known this?

Who was the witness that could have brought this information to light?

I believe that God is constantly watching. He is omnipresent; that is, present in all places at all times.

I was learning that I did have a witness. God saw it ALL and it built my faith.

Today, it is with a word of caution to my abusers that I proclaim my truth loudly. I no longer fear them and the repercussions they bled into my soul; that was all a lie.

They should fear because I walk with the King of the universe. The God of angel armies is on my side.

Do not fear them.

Mirror Mirror | Healing Hangover

Introspection — what better way to start a week.

A thought to ponder: True healing hurts.

To get to the other side of anything, you have to take action. So, what does it look and feel like to heal? It hurts.

When we keep our stories locked up inside us, denying their validity, we do more than suffer; we perpetuate death.

Death is the action of dying.

Only telling the truth ends this cycle.

Millions of abused people end up with diseases, illness, and sickness of all kinds. Disabilities abound in the land of denial.

Breaking the seal of the curse of incest over your life is the only way out. Keeping its secret hidden will destroy you and those around you that you love.

There is no other story for those of us that have lived through this experience. You cannot change the story to soften its blow. It just doesn’t work.

I’ve seen this time and time again. Your memory starts, your body reacts – you know it to be true.

What do you choose?

The pain and suffering of continuing on with that memory? Or do you choose to block it out and carry on pushing that memory aside?

If you get a sliver in your foot and don’t remove it, what happens?

If the splinter isn’t removed, the body won’t absorb the invader or break it down. Rather, the body will likely try to push the splinter out. The splinter may cause an inflammatory reaction, which could mean swelling and redness in that area. What’s more, pockets of pus may form to help expel the splinter.

If you deny a memory of childhood sexual abuse, your body can’t absorb the invader or break it down. Rather, your body will try to expel it.

It’s easier to actively remove it yourself. Get the cancer out of you. You are worth it.

When the fear grips… lean in.

Like brokenness, shame, and anxiety, fear is part of what it is to be human. We are afraid of endless things, from the very understandable to the bizarre.

I first encountered debilitating fear when I was a child. My father, who ruled our home with blanketing anger and sexual dominance made my very skin tingle with sheer horror.

But my deep and intimate knowledge of fear at a young age did not learn to help me master it. Instead, it sensitized me to it. Everyone and everything felt unsafe. Capable of real and terrible harm.

Is fear something we can overcome—and should overcoming fear even be our goal? We all have undoubtedly heard stories of people conquering fears, and we may have even done so ourselves. But in my experience, fear isn’t something I can ever fully shake.

While I’d like to be fearless, I’m not sure that lack of fear alone is the goal. When I look at the passages of Scripture about fear, I see something different from an instruction to knuckle down and overcome. God’s Word doesn’t seem to order us to use human efforts to banish fear. I see instead an invitation to trust, to be present, and to be aware of God’s presence where we might otherwise assume his absence.

God is not shaking a finger at us and telling us to try harder to not be afraid. He is telling us that as we lean into him and trust him, our fear will dissipate.

I am trying hard lean in… every day I get a little closer.

B

A Winnowing Fork

In its simplest form it involves throwing the mixture into the air so that the wind blows away the lighter chaff, while the heavier grains fall back down for recovery. It is the act of separating the good from the bad.

Separating yourself from the bad is a necessary act when you come through a line of incest.

So many of us ache to be with our families. But, you cannot bring hell with you on a journey of healing. It just cannot work.

You will never recover your voice in families of incest. You will never find your strength and your courage will continue to be taken from you while you stand at their tables and dine with them.

A separation from abusive families members is a must. Fake forgiveness can keep you by them but it will cost you. It will take your peace, take your stability, and encourage them to mistreat you.

Forgiveness is a good thing. But, do it away from them in a safe environment. The treacherous folks that hurt you do not stop hurting you just because you have grown up. The abusive patterns remain.

To begin the road to healing it starts by taking your first step away from your abusers by putting one foot in front of the other.

God be with you! #UCU

Fear Not Friday – Vulnerability

Brene Brown has gone into great lengths about the gift that vulnerability is.

In her book, Daring Greatly, Brené Brown describes vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.”

In the life of a trauma survivor of deep childhood wounds, I pause at the notion that this is good for me. It’s like ripping off my skin and bleeding out slowly. No, this is not good.

And I’m vulnerable anyway. Isn’t it the only way to true freedom?

Here’s a link to me sharing on Unfiltered Stories.

https://youtu.be/RcOOEQr-Vdg?si=dirryHmsWfRRB992

I now have uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. I’m sure it’s empowering but …..