Leslie Glass's Blog, page 382

Synthetic Pot Warning In Illinois

From The Chicago Tribune State and local health officials have issued a warning about a synthetic pot in Illinois that has caused users to experience severe bleeding from eyes and nose.

Because makers often change the formulas of their products, it is difficult to know what chemicals synthetic cannabinoids contain or what a user’s reaction will be.

The Illinois Department of Public Health reported that 32 people in the past few weeks visited emergency rooms with severe bleeding after using a synthetic cannabinoid product. That’s up from the 22 cases the state reported just the day before.

The department also released a geographic breakdown, reporting eight cases in Chicago, four in suburban Cook County and one each in Will, DuPage, Kane and McLean counties. The hot spot seems to be the Peoria area, with Tazewell County reporting 10 cases and neighboring Peoria County six.

Most of those affected were in the Chicago area, but health officials warned the contaminated products also could be present elsewhere across the state, said department spokeswoman Melaney Arnold.

The health department said Thursday that symptoms have included bleeding from the eyes and ears. On Friday, officials clarified that while this can happen, those affected in Illinois have reported other symptoms, like coughing up blood, blood in urine, bloody noses, bleeding gums and, for women, heavier than usual menstrual flow.

Though synthetic pot has long been considered dangerous, severe bleeding is not a known side effect, said Dr. Melissa Millewich, an emergency room physician at Advocate Good Samaritan Hospital in Downers Grove.

“This bleeding is not expected, at least in such a significant population so quickly,” she said.

Despite a statewide ban, Arnold said manufacturers could be slightly tweaking the molecular makeup of the products as a way to “get around” the law, allowing for them to be sold legally. They are also sold on the street, she said, and those experiencing the bleeding said they obtained the products in convenience stores and from dealers and friends.

Health officials reported 32 people who experienced the symptom since March 7, and they continue to track the situation, Arnold said. So far, there are no deaths reported.

A change in the latest formula could be behind the new, dangerous symptom, Millewich said. Because health officials don’t know the exact makeup of the products, it’s unclear what’s causing the bleeding, she added.

While there have been no such cases at Good Samaritan’s ER, Millewich said, synthetic pot, often called “fake weed,” “K2” or “spice,” has previously displayed life-threatening symptoms like kidney failure, along with psychosis.

“People don’t realize how dangerous this is,” she said.

The man-made substance is a mixture of hundreds of chemicals, often called cannabinoids because they affect the same brain cell receptors as the main ingredient in marijuana. Cannabinoids are sometimes sprayed on plant material for smoking, or are sold as liquids to be vaporized and inhaled in e-cigarettes and other devices, the health department’s warning said. The products are also sometimes referred to as herbal or liquid incense.

Recent patient reports of severe bleeding led health officials to warn the public not to use any synthetic cannabinoid products.

While those affected by the outbreak admitted using cannabinoids, it’s been difficult to determine their exact source for the substance, Arnold said.

Dr. Nirav Shah, director of the public health department, says there’s an erroneous perception that synthetic cannabinoids are a safe and legal alternative to marijuana.

Shah says they’re unsafe because it’s difficult to know what chemicals they contain or what an individual’s reaction will be.

A Centers for Disease Control and Prevention study found there’s also an association between teens who use synthetic pot and a heightened risk for violent behavior, risky sex and abuse of other drugs.

Anyone who uses these drugs and experiences unexplained bleeding or bruising is advised to call 911 or have someone take them to an emergency room.

Associated Press contributed.

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New CDC Director Pledges Opioid Action

From The New York Times The new director of the top U.S. public health agency on Thursday pledged to work to bring the nation’s opioid epidemic “to its knees” and said he believes the AIDS epidemic could be ended in three to seven years.

Dr. Robert Redfield Jr. made the comments at a staff meeting of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta.

Redfield started the job Monday, less than a week after U.S. officials announced they were appointing him the CDC director.

The 66-year-old rose to prominence in the 1980s as a top researcher into the emerging AIDS epidemic. Health leaders widely praised his appointment, but many are wary of an administration that has been criticized for challenging widely accepted science on climate change and other topics.

Since being named CDC director, Redfield has declined media interviews.

During the 50-minute staff meeting at the CDC Thursday, Redfield said he is a firm believer in vaccines and other public health strategies for preventing disease and stopping its spread.

He called the opioid-driven surge in drug overdose deaths “the public health crisis of our time,” and he stressed the importance of getting treatment for addicts and enhancing the CDC’s tracking of the epidemic. “We will help bring this epidemic to its knees,” he said.

He also talked about his decades working in AIDS research and treatment. “Ending the AIDS epidemic in America is possible,” he said. “I think it can be done in the next three to seven years if we put our minds to it.”

He also told personal stories. One was about how his mother raised him and his younger brother and sister after the death of his father, a government scientist, at age 32. Another was about the death of his own son from complications related to childbirth.

Redfield — who appeared with his wife, Joy — seemed to be warmly received, greeted by frequent laughter and applause.

The meeting was at a CDC auditorium, but it was also broadcast over the internet and by phone to employees who couldn’t attend. An Associated Press reporter listened in.

Redfield had been a finalist for CDC director in 2002, but the job went instead to Dr. Julie Gerberding. On Thursday, he said he was “choked up” about finally getting the opportunity to lead CDC.

“My job is to help you be able to do yours,” he said. “I want to thank each of you for agreeing to have trust in my leadership.”

He said little about some controversies that emerged when his appointment was announced last week.

He did not discuss an episode that made headlines more than two decades ago, when he was scrutinized for overstating the effectiveness of an experimental AIDS vaccine that never panned out.

And he said little about his past writings about the importance of abstinence as a strategy for avoiding AIDS over public health strategies like condoms and distribution of needles to injection-drug addicts. In the forward of the book “Christians in the Age of AIDS” by Shepherd and Anita Moreland Smith, he urged readers to “reject false prophets who preach the quick-fix strategies of condoms and free needles.”

During Thursday’s meeting, Redfield said: “I have never been an abstinence-only person. Ask my wife.”

The Atlanta-based CDC investigates disease outbreaks, researches the cause and frequency of health problems, and promotes prevention. It has nearly 12,000 employees and 10,000 contractors worldwide.

Redfield previously was a medical school professor at the University of Maryland, where he co-founded the Institute of Human Virology. He has extensive experience treating HIV patients as well as heroin addicts and has been praised for his work in Maryland on the opioid crisis.

Redfield replaced Dr. Brenda Fitzgerald, a Trump administration appointee who resigned in January after about six months on the job. Fitzgerald, who had previously run Georgia’s state health department, was embroiled in unresolved financial conflicts. HHS officials ultimately said her investments were affecting her ability to be involved in issues like cancer and the opioids crisis.

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Ex-NBA star Chris Herren opening center to combat addiction

From The Associated Press Former NBA star Chris Herren is launching a wellness center aimed at helping people prevent and break free of substance abuse.

Herren says Herren Wellness will offer life skills coaching, educational workshops, and fitness and nutrition advice.

The native of Fall River is setting up the center in Seekonk, Massachusetts, just over the border from Rhode Island.

Herren was a high school standout and a star at Boston College and Fresno State University before being drafted by the Denver Nuggets. He later played for the Celtics and also played seven seasons internationally.

Herren has been in recovery since 2008. He launched a nonprofit in 2011 to provide resources for substance abuse education and treatment.

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Opioid Deaths Rising Nationwide

From the LA Times by Karen Kaplan At a time when the country seems hopelessly divided, health officials are here to remind us of something that unites Americans from all walks of life: deaths tied to opioid overdoses. Over 115 people die every day

Researchers from the CDC’s National Center for Injury Prevention and Controlexamined data on fatal overdoses from the 31 states that made reliable reports of drug-related causes of death to the CDC’s National Vital Statistics System. The District of Columbia was included as well.

The picture that emerges is of a public health crisis that touches just about every segment of the country.

“From 2015 to 2016, opioid-involved deaths increased in males and females and among persons aged ≥ 15 years, whites, blacks, Hispanics and Asians/Pacific Islanders,” the researchers wrote. “Deaths involving synthetic opioids increased in every subgroup examined.”

Their findings appear in Friday’s edition of the Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report.

Members of Miami Fire Rescue treat a man suspected of overdosing on fentanyl and heroin. A new report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says opioids are a factor in two-thirds of the accidental overdose deaths in the U.S. (C.M. Guerrero/Miami Herald/TNS)

Here’s a by-the-numbers look at how the opioid epidemic is evolving.

42,249

The number of accidental opioid overdose deaths in the United States in 2016. That figure represents 66% of all drug overdose deaths that year.

13.3

The age-adjusted rate of opioid overdose deaths in 2016. That means that for every 100,000 Americans, 13.3 died from taking a powerful dose of opioids.

By adjusting for age, researchers can estimate how many deaths there would have been if every state had the same age distribution of residents. Then they can make comparisons between states that skew younger and states with a higher proportion of elderly people.

27.9%

That’s how much the opioid overdose death rate increased in just one year, between 2015 and 2016. In 2015, there were 10.4 opioid overdose deaths per 100,000 people.

56.1%

The increase in fatal opioid-related overdoses among Americans categorized as non-Hispanic blacks between 2015 and 2016. That was the biggest increase seen in any racial or ethnic group.

Asians and Pacific Islanders came in second at 36.4%, followed by Latinos at 32.6%. Among whites, the opioid-related overdose death rate increased by 25.9%, and among Native Americans it rose 14.9%.

43.4

For every 100,000 residents of West Virginia, that’s how many died in 2016 after overdosing on an opioid. It was the highest age-adjusted death rate among the states with reliable data.

Other states with high death rates included New Hampshire (35.8 deaths per 100,000 people), Ohio (32.9 deaths per 100,000 people), the District of Columbia (30 deaths per 100,000 people), Maryland (29.7 deaths per 100,000 people) and Massachusetts (also 29.7 deaths per 100,000 people).

4.9

The opioid overdose death rate for Texas. This was the lowest rate among the states in the study.

10.6%

That’s the nationwide increase in deaths caused by prescription opioid medications. In 2015, there were 15,281 such deaths; by 2016, that there were 17,087.

100%

The nationwide increase in fatal overdoses linked to synthetic opioids other than methadone. In other words, the death rate associated with these drugs doubled between 2015 and 2016.

200%

That’s how much the death rate due to synthetic opioids increased among Latinos and Asians and Pacific Islanders between 2015 and 2016. In other words, it tripled.

4

The number of times the CDC report mentions illicitly manufactured fentanyl, or IMF. The researchers said IMF is “highly potent” and is probably fueling the spike in overdose deaths involving synthetic opioids.

“IMF is now being mixed into counterfeit opioid and benzodiazepine pills, heroin, and cocaine, likely contributing to increases in overdose death rates involving other substances,” they wrote.

4.9%

For every 100,000 people living in the United States, that’s how many died of a heroin overdose in 2016. The rate was nearly 20% higher in 2016 than it was in 2015.

17.3

The death rate due to heroin overdoses in the District of Columbia. At the other end of the spectrum were Oklahoma and Hawaii, both of which had 1.4 deaths per 100,000 people.

3

The number of “waves” in the epidemic of opioid overdose deaths, according to the CDC researchers. The first wave began in the 1990s, a result of prescription pain medications. The second wave followed in 2010, marked by fatal overdoses of heroin.

The current wave can be traced to the rise of IMF and other synthetic opioids, beginning in 2013. By 2016, these drugs were responsible for 45.9% of all opioid-related overdose deaths in the U.S.

 

The opioid epidemic that claims the lives of 115 Americans each day just keeps getting worse, according to a new report from the CDC. It says that deaths linked to opioid overdoses rose by 28% in just one year.

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16 Codependency Relapse Tips

Where there are enmeshed relationships, especially in families experiencing substance or behavior use disorders, there is going to be codependency relapse. Melody Beattie bestselling author of  Beyond Codependency, refers to the phenomenon as “recycling.” which is a way of examining a relapse into codependent behaviors. Carol Anderson explains Melody Beattie’s 16 quotes for preventing relapse.

MB   If it feels crazy, it probably is.

When we are in an unhealthy relationship, the chaos and craziness become normal, so when we begin to get healthy, we wonder if this is the norm. When we don’t doubt our new reality of healthiness, we recognize the craziness may still be stemming from others’ behaviors. We learn to trust our own feelings. When the crazy comes from someone else, we don’t have to play the game.

MB If we’re protecting ourselves, something may be threatening us.

This may be an internal or external threat. An internal threat is a feeling that we are in danger. Red flags in the behavior of others help us determine an internal threat. An external threat is not just a feeling. There’s someone or something that may actually threaten our safety or our recovery. It could be the family system itself.

MB When one method of problem solving fails, try another.

Being able to plan and pivot to new problem solving tactic keeps us from being stuck and helpless. This tip also teaches the necessity of having a variety of coping skills, because a few skills won’t work on every issue. The more tools in our tool boxes, the more likely we’ll respond in a healthy manner.

MB  Self-will doesn’t work any better during recovery than it did before. Surrendering does work.

What is self will? It is believing that we have control over, and can fix, what is wrong with other people and difficult situations. We need to let go of trying to control through self will because it is ineffective. Letting go of the issue and accepting what is and also, working to change dysfunction, works.

MB Feelings of guilt, pity, and obligation are to the codependent as the first drink is to the alcoholic. Watch out for what happens next.

We feel badly about our loved ones whose lives are not going the way we think they should. We worry that setting boundaries and no longer fixing everything will hurt their feelings or make their lives worse. Our concern presents a relapse risk. Recovery is understanding our own triggers in order to keep from relapsing into old behaviors.

MB Feeling sad and frustrated because we can’t control someone or something is not the same as controlling.

Feelings exist and are not good or bad, and feelings of frustration and sadness are normal. However, if we switch the feelings into trying to control someone (behavior), then we are in trouble.

MB Trying to recoup our losses generally doesn’t work.

Losses are merely losses; we can grieve them, and then go on. Focusing on our losses and the losses of our loved ones keeps us trapped in the past.

MB We cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of the other person’s feelings.

This is so important because we’re codependent and we want (and sometimes need) to take care of others, even if it’s to our detriment. But we need to allow other’s their own feelings and let them take responsibility for their feelings when we set healthy boundaries – boundaries that often frustrate and anger a loved one caught up in substance use.

 MB Today isn’t yesterday.

We focus on one day at a time – today. We let go of yesterday and stay mindful in today and don’t worry about the future.

MB We don’t have to do more today than we can reasonably do.

We each have the same 24 hours – no more and no less – and we utilize these hours to the best of our abilities.

MB When depressed, look to see if anger, shame, or guilt is present.

While depression is a feeling of its own right, sometimes depression is caused by other feelings that we struggle to express. We’re angry and can’t tell anyone. We’re ashamed or guilty. When we accept and cope with these feelings, depression may lift.

If we’re not certain, we can wait.

Similar to the substance user in our life, we want what we want when we want it and may feel frustrated when things don’t go our way. But taking time to think things through is always better than reacting with a reflex. Waiting gives us the time to think, feel, and behave in healthier ways.

MB It’s hard to feel compassion for someone while that person is using or victimizing us.

This means we need to set healthy boundaries, allow our feelings to exist, and take the stance of behavior and compassion that come from our higher self. In other words, we take the high road.

MB If we listen to ourselves, we’ll probably hear ourselves say what the problem is. The next step is acceptance.

The path to acceptance may be difficult, but if we listen to our inner self, we recognize the struggle. From this struggle, we learn to accept the good and the bad as parts of everyday life.

MB We never outgrow our need for nurturing and self-care.

Recovery is about loving ourselves and taking care of ourselves. If we can’t nurture ourselves, then it will be difficult to nurture others.

MB If everything looks black, we’ve probably got our eyes shut.

This is about our denial and inability to focus on hope, acceptance, and healing. To truly heal, we need to be able to talk, feel, trust, and accept.

Remember that healing is a process – allow it to happen.

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Guilt VS Shame

Guilt VS shame. No one escapes from these painful feelings, but only one feeling lies There is a lot of information regarding guilt and shame. Some experts, like as John Bradshaw, a behavior expert you may have seen on TV, focus on healthy guilt and healthy shame as opposed to unhealthy guilt and unhealthy shame. But we find that people are confused by the idea of healthy and unhealthy describing the same feelings. What may be healthy shame for someone who has hurt someone else may be experienced as guilt by someone else. Because of this confusion guilt Vs shame, we examine guilt as a healthy feeling and shame as an unhealthy feeling. So what are the differences?

What Is Guilt

Guilt is what we feel when we’ve had unhealthy thoughts and behaviors. When we have hurt someone or done something we shouldn’t have, like cheating or stealing.  With guilt, we have remorse and regret. Guilt is about violating our own morals, our own consciousness. We learn guilt early in our childhood; it is part of our healthy developmental process. In guilt, we acknowledge our errors to ourselves and to others. Guilt tells us clearly what we have done wrong. For example, while we may have guilty thoughts and feelings, these are normal; it’s when we act out of these thoughts and feelings in a negative manner that causes problems. Healthy guilt is about making a mistake; it is not about being a mistake. Guilt says “I did a stupid thing, but I am not a stupid thing.” It can be painful, but guilt can be about healing. The 12-step-programs focus on guilt for guilt has us take responsibility for our behaviors and then make amends as needed.

For example, Liddy is very angry at her 3-year-old son, Ben, for breaking a family keepsake. Her anger may be normal, but yelling at a toddler is like beating a puppy. When Liddy starts screaming at Ben, however, her behavior has become inappropriate. When Ben starts sobbing and wets his pants, Liddy recognizes that her behavior was wrong. And she feels guilty for losing control. As guilt is focused on responsibility and making apologies, Liddy is able to cuddle Ben and tell him she was wrong to yell at him. She apologizes for her behavior and tells herself that she cannot do this again. She also tells Ben’s father about the incident to accept responsibility and ask for help. Her openness prevents secret keeping and helps her to understand that hurting a toddler is wrong. She may have regrets about yelling, but understands that everyone makes mistakes and vows to do better.

What Is Shame

Shame is a different story for it is the only feeling that lies to us. Shame is not about doing a bad thing, but about feeling bad to our core. Shame makes us focus on ourselves and not on the others around us. In our shame, we think we are terrible, horrible, sick, bad, and worthless. We feel we are dog-dodo stuck to our own feet. This toxic shame makes us feel unworthy, a mistake that cannot be healed, for we are flawed to our core. In the book Facing Shame: Families in Recovery, Fossum and Mason state:

 Shame is an inner sense of being completely diminished or insufficient as a person. It is the self judging the self. A moment of shame may be humiliation so painful or an indignity so profound that one feels one has been robbed of her or his dignity or exposed as basically inadequate, bad, or worthy of rejection. A pervasive sense of shame is the ongoing premise that one is fundamentally bad, inadequate, defective, unworthy, or not fully valid as a human being” (italics by Fossum and Mason).

Taking the case of Liddy and Ben again replacing guilt with shame has a different and toxic result. Liddy falls into shame instead of guilt for yelling at Ben. After she screams at him, she feels so horrible that she internalizes shame into the feeling that she’s a horrible person, unworthy of having children. Instead of accepting that she made a mistake, Liddy believes she’s a terrible mother, falling into her own pain instead of taking care of her son at the moment he needs her. In this case she’s not able to let go of her mistake. Because of her shame, she is unable to feel healthy guilt for which she could make amends by comforting her son and apologizing to him. Instead, they both end up sobbing. With only shame guiding her behavior, she cannot nurture her son or herself. Now, when he is naughty, she cannot correct him or nurture him because the focus is solely on her losing all capacity to cope with him. Liddy sees Ben’s bad behavior is a function of her being a bad parent. This creates a shame spiral where Liddy now becomes inept in her parenting capacity.

Shame is too often felt in dysfunctional families. Remember, shame lies. We will also explore shame and how to cope in other articles.

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What Is Serenity

What is serenity anyway? People talk about it, and those in recovery swear by the serenity prayer. Some people even recite this prayer in 12-step meetings. Some say it to quietly to themselves all day long. Serenity is associated with addiction recovery, but it is a state to which everyone should aspire. Here’s why.

What Is Serenity

Serenity is the state of being calm and tranquil no matter what goes down in your life. It’s the very opposite of fear, dread, anguish, anxiety. People dealing with addiction (either their own, or someone else’s) often feel the stress is killing them. There are many situations and illnesses that bring on the same kinds of helpless feelings. Serenity can be a direct path to happiness.

The Serenity Prayer

 God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

 Here’s How The Serenity Prayer Inspires Change
1.Acceptance

Accepting the reality and not your magic thinking that everything is all right is the first step to healing. Once you understand the reality that you are not in control (of other people and what they think, or illness or job security or whatever worries you) you have left denial behind. Now you can take care of yourself.

2. Courage

It takes real courage to turn away from thinking and behaviors that aren’t working to make things better. It is especially hard to try a new approach to your life if loved ones are involved and don’t want things to change. Bravery isn’t a given, it has to be developed. Courage to change is often the next step after acceptance.

3. Wisdom

It’s virtually impossible to make wise choices when you are in a state of fear and crisis. Imagine the struggle of an animal caught in a trap. When you stop struggling, you can begin to think about solutions. Wisdom comes from calm reflection.

4. Positive Thinking

Positive thinking when you’re in denial is not part of serenity. It just pushes the truth under the rug. Positive thinking that revolves around what is good in your life and where you want your life to be going helps make that a reality.

5 Empowerment

When you no longer feel that you are responsible for someone else’s outcome, you are empowered to act independently and be yourself. Serenity is the tool to help you grow into the best self you can be.

 6. Faith

Some people worry that the God mentioned in the serenity prayer means religion is involved, and even that one religion may try to take the place of your own beliefs. Whose god is the one in the prayer anyway? People who don’t believe in God worry about the word itself. The faith generated by a state of serenity can be thought of more like the confidence, trust, reliance, conviction you need to get through your tough times. Faith is your internal angel that cheers you on.

 7. Letting Go

Letting go means so many things. You can let go of the need to control, the responsibility to fix, the pressure always to be helping out. Letting go can also mean backing off of unhealthy relationships and releasing feelings of fear and anxiety and dread. When you have let go of whatever holds you back, you are in a place of serenity. That is something you can hold onto for a truly happy life.

If you need help with addiction or mental health, check out Recovery Guidance for a safe and free resource to find professionals near you.

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Can Parental Conflict Have Lasting Damage

From Science Daily It stands to reason that parents who physically or emotionally abuse their children do them lasting damage, among other things by undermining their ability to trust others and accurately read their emotions.

But what about the children of parents who experience simple, everyday conflict?

New research published in the current issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships shows that the emotional processing of these children, too, can be affected — potentially making them over-vigilant, anxious and vulnerable to distorting human interactions that are neutral in tone, throwing them off-balance interpersonally as adults.

“The message is clear: even low-level adversity like parental conflict isn’t good for kids,” said Alice Schermerhorn, an assistant professor in the University of Vermont’s Department of Psychological Sciences and the lead author of the study.

In the study, 99 nine-to-eleven-year-olds were divided into two groups based on a series of psychological assessments they took that scored how much parental conflict they experienced and how much they felt the conflict threatened their parents’ marriage.

Children were then shown a series of photographs of couples engaged in happy, angry or neutral interactions and asked to choose which category the photos fit.

Children from the low conflict homes consistently scored the photos accurately. Those from high conflict homes who experienced the conflict as a threat were able to accurately identify the happy and angry couples, but not those in neutral poses — incorrectly reading them as either angry or happy or saying they didn’t know which category they fit.

Schermerhorn sees two possible interpretations of the results.

The inaccuracy may attributable to hypervigilance.

“If their perception of conflict and threat leads children to be vigilant for signs of trouble, that could lead them to interpret neutral expressions as angry ones or may simply present greater processing challenges,” she said.

Alternatively, it could be that neutral parental interactions may be less significant for children who feel threatened by their parents’ conflict.

“They may be more tuned into angry interactions, which could be a cue for them to retreat to their room, or happy ones, which could signal that their parents are available to them,” she said. “Neutral interactions don’t offer much information, so they may not value them or learn to recognize them.”

Shyness Compounds Problem

The study is also one of the first to measure the impact of temperamental shyness on the children’s ability to process and recognize emotion.

The shy children in the study, who were identified via a questionnaire given to the mothers of the study subjects, were unable to correctly identify couples in neutral poses, even if they were not from high conflict homes.

Shyness also made them more vulnerable to parental conflict. Children who were both shy and felt threated by their parents’ conflict had a high level of inaccuracy in identifying neutral interactions.

“Parents of shy children need to be especially thoughtful about how they express conflict,” Schermerhorn said.

Implications for adulthood

The research results are significant, Schermerhorn said, for the light they shed on the impact relatively low-level adversity like parental conflict can have on children’s development.

Either of her interpretations of the research findings could spell trouble for children down the road.

“One the one hand, being over-vigilant and anxious can be destabilizing in many different ways,” she said.

“On the other, correctly reading neutral interactions may not be important for children who live in high conflict homes, but that gap in their perceptual inventory could be damaging in subsequent experiences with, for example, teachers, peers, and partners in romantic relationships.”

“No one can eliminate conflict altogether,” she said, “but helping children get the message that, even when they argue, parents care about each other and can work things out is important.”

Story Source:

Materials provided by University of Vermont. Note: Content may be edited for style and length.

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The-Codependent’s Remedy For Resentment

Before I found recovery, I thought my grown-up life to be like TV shows. When no one followed my script for their lives, my expectations led to resentment.

Ideally, my family of three would join my extended family for meals, holidays, and parties. We’d laugh together and cry with each other. Our deep love for each other would carry us through life’s tough times.

Without their knowledge or consent, I signed my parents, my siblings, and their significant others up for this adventure of life-long support and camaraderie. I assumed we were all on the same journey.

My Role In The Extended Family

When one of them had a crisis, per our implied agreement, I rushed to comfort them. I laughed at their funny stories and empathized with their disappointments. When they were sick, I took care of them. I thought we were taking turns caring for each other and I went first.

When I Had A Problem

It was their turn to take care of me. I thought they knew that. They did not. Instead, my feelings got hurt. I was stuck in an unhealthy pattern of expectations and resentment. My dysfunctional pattern of thinking is common in families affected by alcohol use disorder or substance abuse disorder. When one family member suffers from addiction, others learn maladaptive ways of coping. The first time a maladaptive method works, we latch on to it and repeat it over and over.

Changing maladaptive family patterns takes years of recovery and strong boundaries. Because I had neither, I started small by practicing these skills in my kitchen.

A New Way To Tackle Problems

Last week, I tried to make Starbuck’s sous vide egg bites in my home without success. Instead of waiting for unsuspecting relatives to come to my rescue, I asked for help.

ROR’s very own Leslie Glass is a fantastic cook who often treats us to delicious French soups. She taught me how to poach my eggs, and the results were perfect. I got to take an easy, inexpensive culinary adventure from the comfort of my own home. I purchased:

A simple metal egg-poaching tray that holds three eggs and floats inside my skillet
Fancy imported cheese – I choose parrano, a blend of parmesan and gouda
Brocolini, an exotic cross between broccoli and kale. (It actually originated in Japan, but it felt French to me.)
Shallots
Tarragon

Basic Faux Sous Vide Eggs

3 eggs
3 tablespoons of cottage cheese
Dash of salt
Mix-ins of your choosing

I added 1 stem of broccolini, one small shallot, and one small clove of garlic, all finely chopped and sautéed in one tablespoon of butter. I also added 3 tablespoons of grated cheese.

Add all of the basic ingredients to a food processor, which is certainly not French, and pulse.  Fill a large skillet half-full of water and heat to simmer. Add the floating metal egg-poacher. Fill each slot with egg mixture and top with mix-ins. Cover the pan and let cook for 8 minutes.

The eggs were a perfect make-at-home imposter. Even my husband loved them. The best part of this recipe is each person can add their own toppings. These would be great with bacon, sausage, spinach, peppers, ham. The options are endless and no side dish of resentment.

Browse recovery professionals and resources in your area on our new website that has the recovery solutions you’re looking for, Recovery Guidance.

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Can People Pleasing Mom Say No

As a kid, pleasing people kept them happy and me safe, but it cost my independence. When I got married, I changed my name and address, but I couldn’t embrace my grown-up freedom. I was stuck in a cycle of people pleasing followed by resentment or independence. Every choice was followed by guilt. Now, I’m the Mom. I make the rules, but I’m still following everyone else’s, especially on sugar.

Unhealthy Amounts Of Guilt

Our beautiful son came to us via an orphanage. At 13 months old, he weighed only 15 pounds. He was at risk for growth failure, and EVERY time I took him to the doctor, I got a lecture on how he doesn’t weigh enough. I felt guilty about that.

Now that he’s older, my son’s finally at a healthy weight but loves cookies, soda, cakes, and ice cream. If I let him eat his weight in sugar, I’m not being a responsible parent. If I say “No”, I feel guilty for robbing him of comforting childhood memories. You know, visions of sugar plums, giant chocolate bunnies, ice cream cones and all.

Unhealthy Amounts Of Sugar

The American Heart Association (AHA) now recommends children and teens consume less than 6 teaspoons of “added sugars” per day. The brown sugar and cinnamon pop tart I gave my son this morning has 17 grams of added sugar. Since one teaspoon of sugar equals 4 grams, he’s one serving of ketchup away from reaching his sugar limit for day.

Trapped By “All Or Nothing” Thinking

What’s really missing here is a sense of balance. I don’t have to only choose to please others or only choose to please myself.

In recovery, I learn to do what’s best for me first. Sometimes, my decisions result in a sad or mad child. I have learned to separate my feelings from his:

“Just because he’s sad doesn’t mean I’m bad.”
I regularly ask, “How important is it?”
Will it really hurt for him to have ice cream once in a while as a treat?

Recovery lets us celebrate each day, and some days we celebrate with ice cream. Other days, we celebrate by going for a bike ride. As long as I don’t give into people pleasing, I’ve made some progress.

Co-dependency is treatable. Visit Recovery Guidance to find therapists, counselors, and other treatment options near you.

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