Sam Pink's Blog, page 80

something i've always felt attracted to is ruining someth...

something i've always felt attracted to is ruining something i've worked for.  like, work hard for something to see if i can achieve it, then after it's achieved, ruin it and see if i can start over. 

i took down 'gerald mcclellan vs nigel benn.' most o...

i took down 'gerald mcclellan vs nigel benn.' 

most of it will be included in the collected suicide notes book. 

BLOWN AT KNIFEPOINT

whenever someone describes a book/character as 'nihilistic' i imagine that person staring at the book lying closed on a coffee table, and the person keeps doing sounds with his/her lips--thinking--then says, "hmmm, nihilistic?" like someone guessing on a gameshow. 

a good ending to a book would be the main character break...

a good ending to a book would be the main character breaking into a random house and making a lot of sloppy joe's then leaving all the sloppy joe's on a plate for the people who live there to find when they get back. 

if you feeling that deep down 'wish i was cut into pieces...

if you feeling that deep down 'wish i was cut into pieces in a dumpster' type doom, lemme hear you say, 'helllll yeahhhhhhh.'

the danny character from the story 'danny who lives in a ...

the danny character from the story 'danny who lives in a doorway...' in 'gerald mcclellan vs nigel benn' was crossing the street and got hit by a drunk driver the other day and now has a compressed spine.

 

i feel ashamed/spoiled/indulgent with a lot of things.&nb...

i feel ashamed/spoiled/indulgent with a lot of things.  like even eating some cheap food i feel like 'why do i get to have this.'  sitting in a chair i think, "why do i get to have this.'  i dont identify with my 'peers.'  i dont like drinking at bars or going to concerts all the time or trying to fit in.  it feels dumb owning more than a little clothing.  feel like most of my life is that feeling when you just got new shoes but they feel too good for you. even doing drugs seems stupid and spoiled to me now.  even sitting here typing this shit feels dumb because there's little kids in chicago who feel terrified of where they live, and will likely be killed on some bullshit.  next time you're about to complain about something, imagine a fucking preteen kid lying in the street full of bullets and bleeding to death.  thrown out like something worse than garbage.  for no fucking reason.  and the worst part is, not identifying with anyone makes me start to attack myself, but when i'm by myself i feel fine.  i feel sad a little maybe that something made me attack myself, but i realize it's other peoples' worlds that sicken me, not mine.  i don't know what's wrong with me, i'm like, sitting here feeling tingles from being pissed.  

if it's going to cost me more than like, 60 dollars (roun...

if it's going to cost me more than like, 60 dollars (round trip) to come do a reading, i can't do it.  i live off of like [laughable dollar amount] dollars a year, and that's with supporting rontel's nasty 'virginia slims' habit.  whole foods wouldn't even hire me to fucking bag groceries.  BOO HOO i'm so helpless. 

when you're at the park by yourself playing soccer with a...

when you're at the park by yourself playing soccer with a semi-deflated ball, don't worry when a group of your 'peers' assembles around  you.  just keep juggling the soccer ball as a trendy girl lays out a blanket and her zany male friends--most of them dressed as either a 1950s greaser/biker but with a nicely trimmed beard and full arm tattoos or an 80s glam rocker with feathered/styled/dyed hair and full arm tatoos--begin to play with water balloons around  you.  just keep juggling the soccer ball until they notice you're not going to move.  just wait until they move somewhere else. keep juggling the semi-deflated soccer ball.  after they're gone, and someone runs by with a dog, watch how the dog's ears and tongue keep going up and down, like the dog is flying.  and think about you should be able to remember the ears and tongue going up and down, no matter where you are/what's going on, and that should be enough.  think, "that's all there is." 

when you dont have a lot of spending money, the city feel...

when you dont have a lot of spending money, the city feels like a shitty videogame you accidentally found a way to enter yourself into.  but there's no goal.  no way to 'power up' or get a 'free guy.'  the only thing you can do is walk around looking at things.  every store, restaurant, art gallery, yoga place, dance place, carwash place, etc, they just look at you like "fuck do you want."  and you walk by scowling at people enjoying themselves. but you don't even want to be there with them. you want to ask them what they're doing.  like, you can see what they're doing, but no, like, really, 'what are you doing.'  and you start thinking you'd trade a million friends for one or two solid, indestructible enemies. a war.  you think about how if a war suddenly broke out in chicago, you'd immediately know what to do.  you'd have a purpose.  people would follow you.  they'd look at you and you'd go from 'shithead scowling on street' to someone they needed.  and after you won the war, you'd put everybody back into the restaurants/stores and lock them in, to be looked at by people passing by outside.