Gretchen Rubin's Blog, page 6

Introducing the Habits for Happiness Quiz

Habits are the invisible architecture of daily life. When we change our habits, we change our lives. If we have habits that work well for us, it’s much easier to be happy.

For that reason, ever since my habit-change book Better Than Before was published, people have asked me, “What’s the one habit that will make me happier? Where should I start?”

But the truth is, there is no one-size-fits-all solution to happiness. The answer depends on you.

So I’ve developed a short quiz to help you identify the right answer, right now, for you.

Take the Habits for Happiness Quiz

The quiz is helpful, because it’s surprisingly difficult to know ourselves. We get distracted by what we assume is true, or by what other people tell us, or what we wish were true, and we lose sight of what’s true for ourselves.

In just a few questions, this quiz will give insight into what habit would do the most to boost your happiness. The answer may surprise you, or it may confirm what you already know. Either way, it gives you a starting place.

That’s useful, because sometimes we get so overwhelmed by the changes that we want to make that we can’t move forward. We don’t know where to begin, so we don’t begin.

Some people—especially Questioners—can fall into analysis-paralysis, where they can’t choose among many appealing options. It’s a relief for them to decide, “I’ll start by following the quiz’s advice, and learn from there.”

Also, sometimes we don’t admit to ourselves what we really want. The answer feels too charged, or too poignant, or too demanding, so we don’t acknowledge it. It’s hard to admit, “I don’t have many friends,” “My spending is stressing me out,” or “My life doesn’t reflect my values.”

For this reason, the quiz asks what you would “magically” do. This “magic” language helps you to look past practicalities and previous experience to think about what you really want.

Here’s the funny thing: some people—especially Rebels—get a result, decide to ignore it, and do something entirely different. Which is great! Sometimes getting a result you don’t want can reveal what you truly do want.

As long as the quiz helps to reveal a habit that will make you happier, it’s doing its job.

Unlike the Four Tendencies personality framework which reveals an inborn tendency that remains consistent throughout our lives, you’ll get different answers to the Habits for Happiness Quiz when you take it at different times. 

You might master a habit, so you’re ready to tackle a new challengeYour life might change in an important way, so your priorities changeYou might choose to focus on different areas of your life throughout the yearYour values might evolve

Remember, as with any self-knowledge exercise, this quiz is useful only if you’re honest with yourself! Don’t give answers that reflect what you should think, or what others tell you to focus on, or what you think is “right.” Be honest.

In my observation, people often change what they find easier to change rather than what they really need to change. A friend told me, “I decided to train for the marathon, but after I ran it, I realized that I should have used that time and energy to switch careers. I used the marathon-training as a distraction—and an excuse.”

After you answer eight questions, your result will tell you:

the category of habit that will do most to boost your happinesswhy that aim is likely to make you happierspecific aims you might considerknow-yourself-better questions to help you design the habit in the way that’s right for youany notes of cautionsuggested resources to help you make progress for your specific aim

So, if you want to make your life happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative, this quiz will tell you where to start.

The best time to start a healthy habit is twenty years ago; the second-best time is now. This quiz will help you start now.

The post Introducing the Habits for Happiness Quiz appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.

Tips for Your “24 for 2024” List

Every year, on the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, my sister Elizabeth and I do the Happier Trifecta to set ourselves up for the new year.

Many people don’t like making New Year’s resolutions, and the exercises of the Trifecta offer a fun (and still effective) alternative.

The Trifecta for 2024:

One-word theme—Elizabeth’s is “Book” and mine is “Revisited”Yearly Challenge—this year’s challenge is “Write 24 in ’24““24 for ’24” list—see below!

Research shows that when we set specific aims for ourselves,  we’re far more likely to achieve them. So taking the time to make a list of things we want to accomplish during the year can make a big difference to our happiness.

However, how we approach our aims can make a big difference. For instance, because many people have bad associations with “New Year’s resolutions,” they prefer to use the tools from the Trifecta.

By reframing a task, we can make it seem more fun, more manageable, or less intimidating. For some reason, people love a “24 for 24” list!

There’s no right way or wrong way to make this list—whatever works for you.

As you consider what to add to your “24 for 24” list, these suggestions might spark ideas:

Have fun with the number “24”read 24 novelsstretch for 2-4 minutes every hourgive up technology for 24 hourskeep the hours of 2-4:00 pm meetings-freego for a long hike twice a month (2 x 12)Be concrete, and frame items as actions, not outcomes

“Try 24 new recipes” or “Prepare meatless meals 2-4 times per week” works better than “Become an accomplished cook” or “Cook more”

Divide your list into categories

Consider the Vital Nine categories of habits to choose areas to work on:

Energy: exercise and sleepProductivity: focus, work, progressRelationships: connect and deepenRecharging: relax and restOrder: clear and organizePurpose: reflect, identify, engageMindful Consumption: eating, drinking, spending, scrollingMindful Investment: save, support, experienceCreativity: learn, practice, play

For instance, you might divide your list into Energy, Productivity, Order, and Creativity, with six items in each category.

Choose a mix of big, small, and whimsical items

I always include one item that I can cross off immediately and also throw in a few easy ones, like “Buy a space heater for my office.” Some are tough tasks, like “Get caught up on my physical photo albums.” I always have a few fun ones, such as “Plan a perfume night with friends.”

Build your list around a single theme or aim

If you’re especially excited about your one-word theme, or you have a big challenge or transition coming up in 2024, you may want to devote your entire “24 for ’24 list” to that area—it’s all about “Evolve” or about your move to a new city.

Include items that are fun or revitalizing

Many people fill their lists with things they should do and don’t include items they want to do—especially Obligers (see below)! Obligers, use your “24 for ’24” list to create outer accountability for things that are fun for you. Playing tennis, getting a massage, reading in your favorite chair on Sunday afternoons…that aim can go on your list.

Consider your Tendency

Take into account whether you’re an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel. (Don’t know? Take the free quiz here.)

Obligers—find an accountability partner for tackling the “24 for ’24” list, or find a form of accountability for  individual items; also, the “24 for ’24” list may itself serve as a form of accountabilityQuestioners—consider tracking your aims, customizing a plan, or articulating clearly why you’ve decided to put something on the listUpholders—spell out your items clearly and add them to your calendar, if possible (I find that I do much better with an item when it actually appears on my schedule)Rebels—remember, this list isn’t a “to-do” list but a “could-do” list, and it’s meant to help you do what you want, when you choose, to put your identity into the worldAim for progress, not perfection

Elizabeth and I have made these lists for several years, and we’ve never checked off every item. Nevertheless, we’re always happy we did it.

Find a way to display your list

Making an engaging display of your list can be fun, and it also helps to keep your list uppermost in your mind. I’ve seen people do beautiful, creative things with their lists.

Or if you want to keep it simple, download this free PDF, print it out, and keep it somewhere you can refer to it throughout the year.

Learn from the past

If you’ve tried and failed to keep a resolution in the past, try approaching it in a different way. Don’t decide, “I’m doing it wrong,” “I need to try harder,” or “I’m lazy.” Ask yourself, “How could I approach this aim a different way?” I’ve tried for two years in a row to do daily “review reading,” and I’ve never managed to do it. So this year, I plan to do one hour of “review reading” on Saturdays and Sundays. I hope that changing the habit will make it easier to keep.

Bottom Line: Suit Yourself

It’s much easier to meet our aims for ourselves when we do it in the way that’s right for us. Which is easier said than done!

Good luck making your “24 for 24” list. I find it to be such a hopeful, engaging exercise to set the tone for the new year.

The post Tips for Your “24 for 2024” List appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.

Join us for #Write24in24

Every year on the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, as part of the Happier Trifecta, my co-host and sister Elizabeth and I do an annual challenge with listeners.

We’ve done #Walk20in20, #Read21in21, #Rest22in22, and #GoOutside23in23. For some reason, framing a habit this way makes it feel more fun—and also easier to maintain.

For 2024, our challenge is…#Write24in24! Join us.

Find the approach to writing that works for you and your aims

If you write consistently, you’ll be astonished by how much you can accomplish in 2024. We often underestimate what we can do if we work consistently; as the famously prolific writer Anthony Trollope observed, “A small daily task, if it be really daily, will beat the labours of a spasmodic Hercules.”

For the year of 2024, for the first time, we’re suggesting two options for following along, depending on what kind of writing you want to do.

Riffing off “’24,” you can write for 2-4 minutes each day—that’s enough to “count.” Or if you want to go the extra mile, you can write for 24 minutes each day.

Short or long? It’s up to you.

Whether in 2-4 or 24 daily minutes, you can accomplish great things by the end of the year.

Identify your aim

We’ll all have our own individual aim for this challenge. Do you want to #Write24in24 to boost your productivity, creativity, mindfulness, self-knowledge, or something else?

Productivity—whether you write short or long, your writing could help you to:

set priorities for the day with a “to-day” listclear your mind of nagging thoughts by making a “to-do” listmake extremely manageable but consistent progress toward a big aim, such as creating a Facts of Life bookchip away at challenging emailsstay in regular touch with friends or family by sending texts, emails, or handwritten notesserve as a type of accountability partner—great for Obligers!keep a “ta-da” list of what you’ve accomplished that day, if you tend to be hard on yourselfkickstart your brain into work mode

Creativity—whether you write short or long, your writing could help you to:

make progress on a novel, Ph.D., memoir, or other major writing projectmaintain the habit of “Morning Pages“—Julia Cameron’s suggestion to do three pages of longhand, stream-of-consciousness writing, first thing in the morninggenerate unexpected ideas and connections by writing frequentlycreate a keepsake for yourself or as a gift, by noting memories, reflections, insights, and eventscapture fleeting ideas that might otherwise be forgottenbrainstorm with yourselfovercome writer’s block by writing consistentlyignore self-critical thoughts by pouring out ideas, no matter how outlandish or impracticalkeep a One-Sentence Journal  as a general diary or to track an important transition or project

Mindfulness—whether you write short or long, your writing could help you to:

boost your gratitude by writing down things you’re grateful forappreciate the moment by noting the experiences of your five senses—check out the Five-Senses Journal reduce stress and clear your mind by setting concerns down on paper and scheduling time to worry

Self-knowledge—whether you write short or long, your writing could help you to:

evoke and record your memoriesgain insight into your own nature—consider the Know Yourself Better Journals , which pose thought-provoking questions to help guide reflectioncraft the narrative of your own life; research shows “life storytelling” boost happiness by helping us to make sense of, and find meaning in, our experiencesreflect on your behavior, thinking, or problem-solving to gain insight into broad patternsTips to build a writing routine

If one approach doesn’t work, try something else—but do start with a plan. Research shows that the more concretely and specifically we plan, the more likely we are to stick to our resolutions.

Except for Rebels! Rebels, do it your way! Whatever feels right to you! If you want to keep it unplanned and spontaneous, that’s great.

What method of writing? Type into a document on your computer, add to an app in your phone, handwrite in a journal, use the page of a scratch pad? Beautiful tools make work a joy, so indulge in a modest splurge if that makes writing more pleasurable.

Choose your time of day wisely. Are you a morning person or a night person? Are you using this exercise to set your priorities for the coming day, to reflect on the day that just passed, or to do original work?

If you need accountability, get it. Obligers, you need accountability! And Upholders, Questioners, and sometimes even Rebels can benefit from accountability. Join a writers’ group, find an accountability partner, take a class, use the Happier app…there are many forms of accountability. A friend told her son, “You have your homework, and I have my homework, which is my daily writing. If I don’t do my homework, you don’t have to do your homework.” She felt obliged to write, because otherwise, her son wouldn’t do his homework.

Accountability structure can be quite unconventional. According to the historian Plutarch, in ancient Greece, the Athenian statesman Demosthenes built an underground study where he practiced his speaking and exercised his voice. To keep himself working, he shaved off one half of his head of hair, so that he couldn’t go out in public. 

Don’t break the chain. Many people benefit from sticking to a chain—which is one reason our annual challenge works so well. Use the Don’t Break the Chain Habit Tracker or the Happier app to record your streak.

Try forming a ritual. A ritual helps signal our brains that it’s time to enter a creative, focused state. You might light a candle, play a particular kind of music, walk around the block, or go to a specific place.

Consider collaboration. It can be exciting and fun to collaborate on a writing project. One reason that Elizabeth became a TV writer, after having written several novels, is that she likes to collaborate on writing. Consider whether you’d like to do  #Write24in24 with another person or group.

Upgrade your tools or your surroundings. Writing Life in Five Senses showed me that our sensory environment can make working easier or harder. Do you want to write in silence, with music playing, or amid the busy hum of a coffee shop? Is your desk chair comfortable, do you need a better pen, would you feel energized by putting a plant on your desk?

Put yourself in the company of writers. As the Strategy of Other People holds, we tend to pick up behaviors and attitudes from others. Hang out with people who also value writing, visit bookstores, listen to podcasts about writing (e.g., #AmWriting), read books about writing (e.g., King’s On Writing, Lamott’s Bird by Bird, Shapiro’s Still Writing, Zinsser’s On Writing Well).

Look back on times when you’ve succeeded in the past. When I was writing my book about habit change, Better Than Before, I noticed that people would often bemoan the fact that in the past, they’d kept a habit easily, but now found it hard to follow. This is a huge clue! If you wrote regularly in the past, reflect—and try to understand what aspect of that time made it easier. Was it the accountability of turning in homework? Was it excitement about the project? Was it the fun of collaboration? The past holds clues for the present.

Use the Muse Machine if you get stuck. I recently created the Muse Machine, a deck of 150 prompts to help spark creative thinking. I must say—I love it! Or if you have another way of boosting your creativity, use it.

Use the Strategy of Convenience. Make it very easy to write. Keep your materials handy.

Tap into your Tendency. Are you an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel? Use that knowledge to help you keep the habit of daily writing.

Find more tips for building a writing routine here.

Ask Us Anything: Elizabeth and I Answer Questions from the Podcast

Ideas for Working on a Major Creative Project in 2-4 Daily Minutes

If you’re writing for 2-4 daily minutes, you may be doing a to-list, handwriting notes, tackling emails, or the like. Which is great!

But you could also make progress on a major creative project, just 2-4 minutes each day. Remember, your work will add up to something significant by December. So consider whether you’d like to build toward some finished final project.

Interesting short-form inspirations that I’ve loved:

People Who Led to My Plays—playwright Adrienne Kennedy creates a riveting memoir by noting all the people who inspired her work, describing each person or encounter in just a few sentences

I Remember—in just a sentence or two, Joe Brainard writes down the specific memories that rise the surface of his mind, and with these short reflections, creates an extraordinary record

The Glen Rock Book of the Dead—Marion Winik writes one-page portraits of the dead people she has known; enthralling

Listography: Your Life in Lists—a journal designed to help you write your autobiography through list-making

Love, Loss, and What I Wore—Ilene Beckerman tells the story of her life, outfit by outfit—this exercise could work with any element that pervades your life, such as foods you ate, music you listened to, books you read, art you admired. (Her memoir is illustrated, which is an interesting additional element.)

Use tools to help you #Write24in24

I’ve created many resources that you might find helpful as you #Write24in24.

The One-Sentence Journal The Five-Senses Journal The Muse Machine The Don’t Break the Chain Habit Tracker The Happier appFree #Write24in24 PDF download

Whether you write short or long, whether you join on January 1 or halfway through the year, whether you want to tackle your drudge work or spark your brilliance, #Write24in24 can work for you.

Join us!

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How to Handle Holiday Burnout

It’s the holiday season. We love to talk about holiday fun, and we also love to talk about holiday burnout.

For many people, the holidays leave us feeling overwhelmed or exhausted rather than refreshed.

“Burnout” is a very broad term. Why do you feel burned out? Because if you identify the problem, you’re much better able to address it.

For instance, if you’re feeling burned out because you’ve been staying up late every night, drinking and eating unhealthfully, and missing your usual work-outs and meditation, you need one kind of solution.

If you’re feeling burned out because you want to make the holidays perfect for your whole family, but you have a fifteen-page to-do list and no one is helping you, you need a different kind of solution.

First, identify the source—or sources—of your burn-out. Then consider these solutions:

Solutions for holiday burnoutIf you’re feeling overwhelmed by everyday stress…

The holidays and the year’s end is a busy season with a lot of expectations. If you’re feeling stress due to travel, working overtime, or taking stock of your personal goals, these reminders can help you avoid getting too exhausted:

Treat yourself like a toddler—Don’t let yourself get too tired, too cold, too hot, too hungry, or too overwhelmedFind some fun—if this holiday is supposed to be fun, make sure that you are, indeed, having some fun (and your idea of fun may be very different from other people’s ideas of fun)Put yourself in the mood—get in touch with the fun part of the holidays by playing holiday music, watching a holiday movie, eating a nostalgic food from your childhood, or doing an activity like cookie-baking—in my family, we decorate graham-cracker houses (like gingerbread houses, but much easier to make)Be grateful—feeling grateful helps drive out feelings of irritation, anger, and resentment. Look for reasons to appreciate what you have, and to thank the people who worked to create it.Acknowledge what you’ve done—Give yourself a gold star, make a ta-da list
If you’re navigating tricky social dynamics…

The holiday season also comes with a disruption to our usual social calendar. We might struggle to deal with difficult relatives, experience feelings of loss due to death or change, or feel the pressure of expectations around entertaining and socializing. Obligers especially tend to feel burdened by everything expected of them (don’t know if you’re an Obliger, Questioner, Rebel, or Upholder? Take this quiz to find out). When dealing with people, traditions, and social expectations, it can be helpful to:

Find some time alone if you need it—when we’re staying with my family, my husband always volunteers to run to the grocery store. Once he went three times in one day. He loves any excuse to go to the grocery store (odd, right?), and this task gives him a way to be helpful, do something he enjoys, and get much-needed time aloneDo good—do good, feel good. Volunteer, help a neighbor, pitch in, donate money to a cause you believe in, donate blood, sign up to be an organ donor, reach out to someone who may be feeling lonely or sad during this timeAvoid strife—if you know you’re going to argue needlessly with someone, try not to engageBe understanding—if traditions are very important to others, try to stay patient and play your partAsk for help or delegate—don’t wait for people to volunteer or assume you have to do everything yourself!Avoid drinking too much—and if you notice someone else trying to curb their own drinking, don’t make a fuss or urge them to partake
If you’re struggling to keep everything in order…

Between endless to-do lists for decorating, cooking, cleaning, and planning, as well as the stress around gift-giving, it can be a challenge to stay organized and get it all done.

If you need help with gift-giving, take this quiz to help get some good ideasSee the funny side of a screw-up. If something does go wrong, remember my Secret of Adulthood: “The things that go wrong often make the best memories”Set a budget and stick to itBe realistic—If you want everything to be perfect, try to lighten up; don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the goodMake concrete plans—I find that things that can be done at any time are often done at no time (shopping, wrapping, getting holidays cards ready, visiting the annual holiday light display, etc.), so to ensure that key tasks get done, consider putting them on the calendarAllow traditions to evolve—I remember how hard it was for me to give up my family tradition of having a live Christmas tree. But it just didn’t work: we live in a New York City apartment, and we spent Christmas week with my parents in Kansas City, anywayLower the bar—find short-cuts, change your expectations, look for ways to make things easier. In my extended family, we changed our gift-giving tradition so now we buy fewer, less expensive presents. We still have the fun of buying and opening gifts, but it’s less stressfulMake entertaining easier—find lots of entertaining hacks hereClean as you go—for most people, outer order contributes to inner calm, especially at busy times, so put your dishes in the dishwasher, hang up your coat, make your bed, take out the trash, etc.

What strategies have you used to fight holiday burnout?

The post How to Handle Holiday Burnout appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.

Sandra Day O’Connor’s Secret to a Happy Life

In 1995, I had the most memorable job of my life. I spent a year clerking for Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, which meant that with three fellow clerks, I did writing, review, and analysis to help the Justice in her work. It was an extraordinary privilege to serve, in this small way, the operation of the Supreme Court.

I remember the first day I met the Justice, for my interview—she was friendly and easy to talk to, yet had an unmistakable air of command. (I was startled to learn that I should address her as “Justice,” as in “Thank you, Justice.” It seemed that every time we spoke to her, we invoked the Spirit of Justice, the virtue she was meant to uphold.)

During the year I served in the SO’C chambers, I saw for myself her determination, her openness to argument, her clarity, her impatience, her sense of humor.

After my clerkship ended, and even after I quit working as a lawyer to become a writer in New York City, Justice O’Connor and I kept in touch.

One day, the Justice called to tell me about iCivics, her initiative to give children a strong civics education. As we talked, I pictured her sitting in her chambers. With white marble, pediments, and Corinthian columns, the Supreme Court building looks like a Roman temple, but—quite incongruously, and with her typical independence—Justice O’Connor’s chambers held woven blankets, baskets, and cowboy sculptures to remind visitors of her beloved American Southwest.

We talked about her plans for iCivics, and why she believed it was so important for children to learn to become engaged citizens. Then she asked me what I was working on.

“I’m finishing up my book The Happiness Project,” I told her. “It’s an account of a year I spent test-driving theories about how to live a happier life—tackling areas like my energy, friendship, family, work, mindfulness, service, gratitude. All that.”

She said, “Well, I can tell you what I believe is the secret to a happy life.”

“What’s that, Justice?”

“Work worth doing.”

“Interesting,” I said, noting that this three-word response was typical of the Justice’s style—decisive, pragmatic, and brief. “But isn’t it somewhat…limited?”

“No,” she said firmly. “Work worth doing. That’s all you really need.”

“Hmmm,” I said. “I’ll think that over.”

For a long time, I wasn’t sure I agreed with her. What about relationships? Contemporary scientists and ancient philosophers agree that relationships are a key to happiness. And wasn’t the focus on “work” too narrow?

But now, with time and experience, I recognize the wisdom of her answer. “Work” can mean different things to different people, but no matter what form it takes, if we’re doing work worth doing, we’re spending our time and energy in a way that reflects our values.

Sandra Day O’Connor did work worth doing. She dedicated her life to the aim of good government: she served in all three branches; she was elected, appointed, and volunteered to serve in countless roles; she promoted the rule of law and judicial independence; she showed that “a young cowgirl from the Arizona desert” could make it to the Supreme Court.

Justice O’Connor’s personal qualities, as well as her professional qualities, helped her to succeed. She was analytical, tough, and practical, and she also believed in having fun at work. When she and her clerks came in on weekends, she’d often bring lunch for us all to share, we celebrated birthdays, we went fishing—I also attended her famous morning aerobics class, with our “Justice Never Rests” t-shirts.

Much more importantly, her personal warmth served the Court. As a moderate conservative who often held the key vote in high-profile, contentious decisions, she was in a tough position, but her strong relationships with the other justices helped to hold the Court together and steer its course.

In 2018, when she announced her retirement from public life, she reflected on her career:

I’ve seen first-hand how vital it is for all citizens to understand our Constitution and unique system of government, and participate actively…working collaboratively…to solve problems, putting country and the common good above party and self-interest, and holding our key governmental institutions accountable.

In one paragraph, she summed up everything she’d striven to promote. The Constitution. Active participation. Collaboration. Putting the common good above party and self-interest. Accountability.

Work worth doing! What a happy life Sandra Day O’Connor led. Perhaps her death will remind us to recommit ourselves to the great American ideals she worked so hard to advance.

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Identify the Problem: Burnout at Work

In my book The Happiness Project, I made a list of my twelve Personal Commandments—the overarching precepts I use to guide my thoughts and actions.

My Eighth Personal Commandment is to Identify the problem. That is, when I’m annoyed, angered, or frustrated, I should pause to ask myself, “What exactly is the problem here?”

It’s surprisingly easy to skip this step.

“Identifying the problem” seems like an obvious step, yet recognizing its importance has been one of my most major happiness-project breakthroughs.

When we take the time to pinpoint the actual source of the problem, it’s much easier to see how to solve it. Even if that solution isn’t easy, it’s clearer.

In my observation, people often skip this crucial step! They know something is amiss, but have only a vague sense of what the true problem might be. And because they haven’t pinpointed the problem, they’re not effective at addressing that problem.

For instance, this issue often arises around burn-out. People tell me, “I’m so burned out at work! What do I do?”

Well, that depends. Why exactly do you feel burned out?

While “burn-out” sounds specific, there are many reasons you might be feeling burned out—and the solutions would be very different, depending on the cause.

Are you burned out because…?

your department has recently been downsized and now you’re expected to do twice as much workyour best friend at work took another job, and now work just isn’t funyour team wastes so much time in meetings that you’re incredibly frustrated and behind in your workyou’re not treated fairlyyou’re a social person, and because people come in only a few days each week, you’re not getting the face-to-face time you needyour boss now insists that you work in person every day, and your commute is drainingyou feel exploited and unappreciatedyou’ve been staying up until 2:00 a.m. to watch TVyour workplace makes sudden changes to workload, deadlines, and assignments without warning, so you feel you have no controlyou want to find a new job, but you’ve been procrastinating about starting the process

These are all common reasons that people feel “burned out”—but they need different responses.

It sounds so easy to identify the problem, but it’s harder than it sounds.

Growing up, I thought I hated to exercise. I dreaded gym, and although I played on a team, I didn’t enjoy it at all. But finally I identified the real problem(s): I don’t like games! And I’m uncoordinated and bad at sports! But I like to exercise. Now I walk and do strength-training and yoga. No games, no coordination, just exercise.

A friend recently told me, “I thought I wanted outdoor space for my apartment. Then I realized that I actually want a husband.”

Identify the problem!

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Why It’s Not Helpful to Call Someone—Including Ourselves—“Lazy”

In talking to people about happiness and good habits, people sometimes talk about “laziness.” Either they say, “I’m lazy” or they say, “That person is being lazy.”

But I think it’s unhelpful to think about “laziness.”

It seems to me that when people (including ourselves) appear lazy, there are more helpful explanations. In my observation, other things may be going on:

Avoidance: There’s something that a person should do, but they’re avoiding it. This person should work, but is avoiding doing tough analysis, so is spending hours watching Game of Thrones clips on YouTube. That person should go to therapy, but doesn’t want to face negative feelings, so keeps canceling appointments.

Accountability: In my “Four Tendencies” personality framework, Obligers are people who need outer accountability to meet inner expectations. If they want to exercise, they need to sign up for a class, work out with a trainer, raise money for a charity, be a role model for someone else, etc. (Effective accountability strategies vary among Obligers.) If Obligers lack outer accountability, they won’t follow through. This can look like laziness, but as soon as accountability is established, Obligers do follow through.

(Want to know if you’re an Obliger? Or a Questioner, Rebel, or Upholder? Take the free short quiz here.)

Exhaustion: Sometimes people get drained and overwhelmed, and they simply can’t muster up the energy to do anything—not even something small, not even something fun. So they just do whatever activity that feels least taxing to them—for instance, scroll through social media, watch TV, or play a video-game.

Preference: One person’s laziness is another person’s choice. A friend said of his son, “He’s so lazy. He could be out playing basketball with his friends, but instead, he lies on the sofa, just reading.” I also imagine another parent saying of a child, “He’s so lazy. He could be reading and improving his mind, and instead, he’s just running around with his friends.”

As always, when we face a happiness stumbling block, it’s useful to identify the problem. If you’re calling yourself “lazy,” what’s going on?

Do you need to find a way to get started, to get accountability, or to get more rest? Or is that “laziness” actually a sign that two people have different values?

If you’ve called yourself lazy, or find yourself saying that other people are being lazy, I’d be curious to know the context.

The post Why It’s Not Helpful to Call Someone—Including Ourselves—“Lazy” appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.

Schedule an “Empower Hour”

In my book Better Than Before, about how we can make or break our habits, I write about why I find it so helpful to schedule a weekly “Power Hour.”

The fact is, things that can be done at any time are often done at no time, even things that are important to us. So I keep a list of nagging tasks that I’ve been putting off, and once a week, for one hour, I “power” through them.

It’s surprising how much I can get done in just one hour.

We talked about “Power Hour” in episode 6 of the Happier podcast, and in later episode 277, we talked about a twist to the idea, with “Empower Hour.”

Scheduling an “Empower Hour” is a way to make time and hold ourselves accountable for putting our values into the world.

One hour might not sound like much, but it’s manageable and realistic, and it’s surprising how much a person can get done in one Empower Hour—especially if they do it week after week.

You might use an Empower Hour to:

Register to voteContact representatives about issues that are important to youDo research on organizations or policies—and share what you’ve learned with othersSort through your possessions to identify things to donateTake those items to the donation place or arrange for their pick-upDonate time (volunteer at an animal shelter, serve at a food bank, clean up a park or beach, help out at your local library)Donate skills (writing, graphic design, web development, carpentry, tutoring, fundraising, etc.)Donate money to a cause or organization you supportCollect and share resources or suppliesMentor someoneStart a social-issues book clubWrite letters, essays, or op-edsSign up to be an organ donorFigure out ways to cut down on food wasteVolunteer to send postcards or texts to encourage others to register to voteDonate bloodRead a book or watch a documentary to educate yourself about an important issue

My First Splendid Truth of Happiness is: To be happier, we must think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.

That third element, “feeling right,” is about our values. We’re happier when we feel that we’re doing the right things, that we’re living up to our aims for ourselves, that we’re putting our values into the world.

In the tumult of everyday life, with all its claims on our time, energy, and money, sometimes it’s hard to identify and follow through on the efforts that will make us “feel right.”

For many of us, putting something on the calendar makes it much more likely to happen.

Note: The scheduling approach often doesn’t work well for Rebels, who tend to resist adding items to their calendar. To achieve the same result, Rebels can remind themselves, “This activity is the way I choose to put my values into the world. I’m living up to my identity as an environmentalist/animal lover/engaged citizen/community leader.”

Empower Hour is a way to schedule a bunch of non-recurring, highly diverse tasks, to ensure that we make time to put our values into the world.

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Find the Perfect Gift with the Gift-Giving Quiz

As a writer, my subject is human nature, and I love nothing more than to identify a new character distinction, such as…

Abstainers and moderators (I’m mostly an abstainer)Finishers and openers (I’m a finisher)Over-buyers and under-buyers (I’m an under-buyer)Upholders, Questions, Obligers, and Rebels (Of the “Four Tendencies,” I’m an Upholder)

In fact, in my book Better Than Before, about the 21 strategies we can use to change our habits, one strategy is the Strategy of Distinctions. To change our habits, we must know ourselves, and distinctions help us to know ourselves.

To be sure, some people say, “If you define me, you confine me.” A label should never limit our sense of possibility, but I do think it’s easier to understand ourselves—and other people—when we have vocabulary to describe differences.

As I was working on Life in Five Senses, I was watching for distinctions. That’s what led me to create the “What’s Your Neglected Sense?” quiz.

I knew from everyday life that people engage with their senses differently. Being a non-foodie helped me see this particular distinction; it was so obvious to me that many people got more sheer pleasure from food than I did. Once I realized that my neglected sense was taste, I looked for ways to increase my enjoyment, engagement, memories, and knowledge around taste, and it has brought me so much happiness. (Ask me about the magic of ketchup!)

Also, as I was studying the five senses, I struggled to understand a pattern I noticed around…what? Was it discernment, high standards, agreeableness, love of novelty or familiarity, pickiness?

I puzzled over these elements for months. It’s hard to find something when you don’t know what you’re looking for.

Finally, I identified the distinction—in an unexpected context. Gift-giving!

Yes, I finally realized that I was picking up on characteristics that come into play around receiving gifts. (Which, in the end, wasn’t really tied to the five senses at all.)

It took a lot more work to figure this out, and I worked with a brilliant team to hone the ideas, and ta-da, now this framework is ready.

Take the Gift-Giving Quiz to find the perfect gift.

This quiz identifies what kinds of gifts a person wants to receive.

It’s so satisfying to present the perfect gift to someone we love, and it’s so frustrating to have no idea of what to give, or to give an unsuccessful gift. In the past, I’ve asked myself questions such as:

If I splurge, will this recipient even care?If this person requested something specific, is it okay to make a reasonable substitute?Is is lazy to give them the same item year after year, even if they ask for it?Should I try to be imaginative, or will they just end up re-gifting some item they don’t want?

When you take this quiz, you don’t answer about yourself; you answer with a particular recipient in mind. This way, you identify the kinds of gifts that person would find most appealing. (We often give the kinds of gifts we’d like to receive ourselves, which is well-meaning but often not very successful.)

For the quiz, you answer eight short questions, then receive a “gift-appreciation profile” for your recipient, along with gift-giving guidance and some specific ideas. 

Why Gifts Succeed

When we know someone’s type, we can choose the types of gifts that are most likely to please them.

For instance, my father is an “Easy-to-Please.” That means that among other things, he enjoys feeling a personal connection to a gift. That explains why he loved getting a “Writers’ Guild on Strike 2023!” t-shirt from my sister Elizabeth, and why he consistently wears all the TV show swag she’s given him over the years.

By contrast, my mother is an “Enthusiast.” She’s very interested in what’s new; she likes to experiment; she’s curious about the best or most quintessential example of something. One of the best gifts I ever found for her? An imported brand of face cream had become a cult sensation in New York City—I managed to buy the last tube.

If you need further inspiration, once you know a gift-recipient’s type, you can use the the five senses to help generate great ideas for gifts. To get started, check out the Five-Senses Gift Ideas.

Why Gifts Fail

We’ve all had the disappointing experience of being excited to give someone a gift, but then that person didn’t seem to appreciate it.

The Gift-Giving Quiz can help explain why a gift does or doesn’t succeed.

Maybe you’ve given your husband a ukulele, a poker set, and a set of juggling balls, thinking that he’d enjoy a new hobby. If you take the quiz and discover that he’s a Tried-and-True, you’ll know why he’s much happier to receive yet another box of that maple-sugar candy that you’ve given him for the past five years.

What gifts have you found that work particularly well for the Easy-to-Please, Tried-and-True, Enthusiast, or Connoisseur? We all need great gift ideas! I can keep adding them to the gift guide.

The post Find the Perfect Gift with the Gift-Giving Quiz appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.

Spotlight on the Muse Machine

As one of my hooky projects while writing Life in Five Senses, I made a list of “indirect directions” to help me generate creative ideas. 

My inspiration?

Sometimes, when working on a project, I’d hit a roadblock. Then, as I was struggling to move forward, I’d hear an offhand comment, or I’d read some thought-provoking phrase, and with this “indirect direction,” I’d get a sudden idea.

I kept a document that listed every indirect direction I used, and when I felt stuck, I reviewed my list, and these directions often helped. As a digital document, however, this list on my computer felt insubstantial. I wanted to make it real.

Now I’ve turned my messy DIY creativity-generator into a beautiful finished product. It’s such a thrill to hold the Muse Machine in my hands and pull out a card at random. A huge thank you to my talented team for helping me bring this idea to life and share it with the world. 

The Muse Machine is a deck of 150 cards with (somewhat mysterious) creative prompts to consult whenever you feel stuck. These indirect directions are short, suggestive, and open-ended, so that they ignite unexpected insights.

Here’s an example of I’ve used this deck myself.

Back when I created my own DIY version of this tool, I wanted to find a better name than “Indirect Directions.” I couldn’t think of anything. So I pulled a card and read, “Find a fresh metaphor.” Some days later, during a visit to the Metropolitan Museum, the sight of the earthenware Inkstand with Apollo and the Muses gave me my metaphor.

I hope you find the Muse Machine as inspiring as I do.

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