Andrew Moore's Blog, page 66

The Animal Fantasy Publishing Industry

The reason we don't have a genuine example of animal fantasy is that the writer bear and publisher bear keep trying to kill each other. Economists call this "transaction costs."

I Imagine This Is What Animal Fantasy Is Like

Once there was a bear so big and hairy that nobody was hairier or bigger. So he went wandering. First he trained with the hawks, and soon he could jump higher than any bear ever could. Second he trained with the humans, and soon he could pick up things in his claws so that they'd never escape. Third he trained with the mice, and soon nobody could hear his coming. He traveled around after that too, and he pretty much learned it all.
The sole quest for a hero of that caliber was the search for the golden honey den, so off he went. He didn't know what challenges he'd have to overcome, and wouldn't you know, it was the Blackness Bear. The Blackness Bear had already conquered the den long ago. That meant they had to bite each other. The hero bear did it bigger and better, which means he took over the den and rules over it to this day where he enjoys as much honey as he pleases. Now don't you want to work hard and eat so you can be big and hairy, too?
Finis

Addendum

Now Biffany, on the other hand. Its age has just begun. See, when you write a sequel to a series which has a character named Tiffany, that's the kind of maneuver you need to be able to make.

History Corner

Did you know . . .

. . . that the use of Tiffany as a first name is quite recent in a historical context? I know you heard something to the contrary on the internet once, but I urge you to check before you start relying on that as an example for anything.

Addendum

Is it a ship on a long journey to colonize a distant planet? Is it a traveling casino, circus, or opera house? Does the person one day find himself alone on the ship? It doesn't matter. No, wait, do the circus one.

Trends on the Mend

Tellar: A random henchman who's shockingly well-informed on an esoteric subject.
Stellar: Someone who has lived his entire life on a spaceship.

A Sequel Tip

Everybody loved your characters, but their story is over. How do you follow it up? With new characters who have the exact same personalities, of course, but here's how you fool everyone: Change the first letter of their names. Anyone sophisticated enough to catch your little wordplay will be the sort to appreciate it.

The Parable of the Basket

Once upon a time, there was a weaver of baskets who brought his art to perfection which amazed everyone, fellow weavers most of all. He worked in wood, he worked in copper, he worked in fabrics and hides. Emperors sent him gold and jewels; they received jeweled golden baskets more suitable for the thrones upon which they sat than they were.
One day when a man walked by the basket weaver in the street, he shook a bundle of common rushes he happened to be carrying and said, "This must be the only thing you haven't turned into a basket yet!"
The weaver blinked. "You're right. Will you give me those?"
He set to work right away. He bent and he wove the rushes, and before long he was setting the last in place. When he completed that basket, his final basket, its perfection caused it to contain the entire world, and never has anyone found a way to release it yet.

Moral: Get just good enough to get by.
Secondary moral: Don't let anything happen to this basket. It has people in it.
Finis

Wheel of Time Wish Corner

Does anyone else wish it could somehow be arranged for the Wheel of Time TV show to release a season finale every week? I just can't get enough of those things. I don't even have to watch them.

Videogame Awards

I think they all deserve a round of applause, don't you? Especially Guild Wars. I like Ritualist because it's overpowered.