Andrew Moore's Blog, page 130
March 2, 2022
What To Do With Giants?
Mostly they should be killed by knights, but there are other options.
1) Where do giants come from? Genetic engineering.
2) Where do humans come from? Once upon a time all people were giants who lived 800 years, but then . . .
3) If some humans turn into wolves, what kinds of transformations might giants have? Dinosaurs?
4) In a faraway country, they say in each community one person grows into a giant and becomes the chief.
5) Giant bodies mean giant magic, idiot.
You gotta pay me if you use any of those, but they're worth it. You can tell just by looking.
1) Where do giants come from? Genetic engineering.
2) Where do humans come from? Once upon a time all people were giants who lived 800 years, but then . . .
3) If some humans turn into wolves, what kinds of transformations might giants have? Dinosaurs?
4) In a faraway country, they say in each community one person grows into a giant and becomes the chief.
5) Giant bodies mean giant magic, idiot.
You gotta pay me if you use any of those, but they're worth it. You can tell just by looking.
February 28, 2022
Fantasy-Wide Alert
It seems Guild Wars 2 has ended all dragons. Switch to giants immediately. I repeat, switch to giants now.
Shock! The Professor's Invention Is What?!?!
Nouveau Drythorn City was the place to be for anyone with an interest in the latest golem designs or the financial opportunities in golems and golem-related industries which had already created a new class of the wealthy. No map of the continent showed any place more likely to reward daring, whether intellectual, entrepreneurial, or criminal.
It was in response to that last, Professor Brannes declared, that he had embarked on his latest endeavor. When Brannes talked, the clued-in listened, and so a crowd assembled at the professor's atelier before the appointed time. Giddy inventors, exuberant investors, and common announcement-lovers made up the mass, and any among them who thought he saw some government officials or underworld fixtures with their hats pulled low would not have been mistaken.
"Thank you for coming, gentlemen." Professor Brannes walked out while the sound of the last bell still vibrated in the audience's ears. He snapped open the cover of his own watch as well to check the time, for he left nothing to chance. "It is not my intention to waste time. You know the situation as well as I. Golem crime is on the rise. A special unit has been formed to combat it, but without better tools, unscrupulous criminals will keep the advantage. That is why I invented the stoplem."
Murmurs spread throughout the crowds, heads were put together, and a few shady figures ran off to report on the emerging situation.
The professor did not wait for silence. "Yes, the stoplem. Though incapable of movement on its own, the authorities will find it an invaluable ally. The field it emits interferes with golem animation, rendering the target helpless, or at least diminished in capacity when it comes to high-output models. Let the golem gangs beware." He raised his hand, and behind him the thick, heavy shutter guarding his atelier rolled up.
The murmur broke out into a full tumult. At first Professor Brannes believed the excellence of his invention caused it, but when he turned, he realized the truth. The prototype stoplem was gone, stolen. The news flew through the city on wings of trepidation. At headquarters, the Golem Crime Unit began to move.
Finis
It was in response to that last, Professor Brannes declared, that he had embarked on his latest endeavor. When Brannes talked, the clued-in listened, and so a crowd assembled at the professor's atelier before the appointed time. Giddy inventors, exuberant investors, and common announcement-lovers made up the mass, and any among them who thought he saw some government officials or underworld fixtures with their hats pulled low would not have been mistaken.
"Thank you for coming, gentlemen." Professor Brannes walked out while the sound of the last bell still vibrated in the audience's ears. He snapped open the cover of his own watch as well to check the time, for he left nothing to chance. "It is not my intention to waste time. You know the situation as well as I. Golem crime is on the rise. A special unit has been formed to combat it, but without better tools, unscrupulous criminals will keep the advantage. That is why I invented the stoplem."
Murmurs spread throughout the crowds, heads were put together, and a few shady figures ran off to report on the emerging situation.
The professor did not wait for silence. "Yes, the stoplem. Though incapable of movement on its own, the authorities will find it an invaluable ally. The field it emits interferes with golem animation, rendering the target helpless, or at least diminished in capacity when it comes to high-output models. Let the golem gangs beware." He raised his hand, and behind him the thick, heavy shutter guarding his atelier rolled up.
The murmur broke out into a full tumult. At first Professor Brannes believed the excellence of his invention caused it, but when he turned, he realized the truth. The prototype stoplem was gone, stolen. The news flew through the city on wings of trepidation. At headquarters, the Golem Crime Unit began to move.
Finis
February 27, 2022
Q&A Corner
Q. I want people in my fantasy world to have glasses. Do I have to consider the ramifications of that technology being available?
A. No.
A. No.
February 26, 2022
The Purest Fusion of Science Fiction and Fantasy
A catapult on a spaceship.
February 25, 2022
Addendum
Works in the street fantasy subgenre are not required to include fighting tournaments, but they really ought to. The same goes for every other subgenre though.
February 23, 2022
The Latest Fantasy Subgenre
Street fantasy deals with fantasy in a modern-day setting, but instead of vampires and werewolves, it's furry green lightning men from Brazil.
February 22, 2022
Speculation About Street Fighter 6
What will Capcom do to keep Street Fighter relevant for modern audiences? A hard magic system, sexy mummies, and a pirate captain with a very sophisticated parrot, probably. And tons of DLC, but you already knew that.
Notes on Dragon Quest Tact
Hey, this isn't a comedy of manners at all! It's a mobile gacha tactical RPG! I give it my Toriyamaest rating of 5 Gokus/5.
I did this gag before, but now it's retro.
I did this gag before, but now it's retro.
February 21, 2022
Proper Theme Park Management Requires Experience
"Where do you come up with this stuff, Ollie?" Marshall Duclercq, the galaxy's only thousandaire, a man so rich the government executed a currency squash to cut down on all the zeroes, could not help but marvel at the detail of his new park, months away from opening though it was. Under the dome, every synthetic plant and animal resembled nothing Earth had exported to the stars, the air smelled like copper, and the water tasted fruity. "The basic idea is simple enough. Everyone's disappointed by by finding no alien life out there so far, and some'll be willing to pay up for a day or two immersed in a fake version. The only thing different about this project is that I can make it happen. But it's the specifics I wonder about. It all seems so real."
"It is real," Oliver Scordato, the project manager, told his boss. "It's all from my planet. I'm an alien. Everybody refuses to believe aliens are all humans, that's all."
Duclercq looked the man up and down. "You never could tell a joke, Ollie."
Oliver shrugged. He had learned to do that soon after reaching Earth-colonized space, long enough ago that he no longer had to remind himself not to clap instead.
Finis
"It is real," Oliver Scordato, the project manager, told his boss. "It's all from my planet. I'm an alien. Everybody refuses to believe aliens are all humans, that's all."
Duclercq looked the man up and down. "You never could tell a joke, Ollie."
Oliver shrugged. He had learned to do that soon after reaching Earth-colonized space, long enough ago that he no longer had to remind himself not to clap instead.
Finis
