Andrew Moore's Blog, page 133
January 31, 2022
An Unreasonable Feud
Once upon a time, a feud developed between two mapmakers. Professional jealousy is a terrible thing, and those mapmakers, Parvo and Foleri were their names, happened to be cousins as well. "Avoid your enemy and avoid your grudge," they say, but their family tree tripped them up when they tried to follow that plan.
They competed, and over the years, the city where they lived gained a reputation for beautiful maps. Their fellow citizens, to their shame, engaged in schemes to deepen their acrimony instead of striving to reconcile them, as good neighbors ought. Parvo labeled rivers, Foleri labeled streams. Foleri included a legend and scale, Parvo wrote names in different colors, sizes, and typefaces with the result that every feature could be understood at a glance from across the largest room.
Except, of course, for the dining hall of the ducal residence. Foleri decorated that with a map of the entire world, for he had been given the commission for that. He invited Parvo to view it, and while his map filled a wall, his pride filled the rest. "You have depicted a world. Very well, and yet I will surpass you in this way. My next map will be a world."
Foleri laughed at him and said Parvo had lost his mind, and perhaps he had. He went home, and he worked, and he worked, and he worked, and he made our world, which we call Parva. He invited Foleri to view it, who refused to concede anything even then. "Very fine, for a bare ball. Where is the sun? Where is the moon? You have no sense."
Foleri returned home and worked on maps of his own, and he made the sun, the moons (because he saw no reason to stop at one), and all the stars. That is why we call heaven the Folerium.
As to what happened between them after that, or what their world and heaven are called, I am not a liar enough to pretend knowledge, for everything I have told you is true.
Finis
They competed, and over the years, the city where they lived gained a reputation for beautiful maps. Their fellow citizens, to their shame, engaged in schemes to deepen their acrimony instead of striving to reconcile them, as good neighbors ought. Parvo labeled rivers, Foleri labeled streams. Foleri included a legend and scale, Parvo wrote names in different colors, sizes, and typefaces with the result that every feature could be understood at a glance from across the largest room.
Except, of course, for the dining hall of the ducal residence. Foleri decorated that with a map of the entire world, for he had been given the commission for that. He invited Parvo to view it, and while his map filled a wall, his pride filled the rest. "You have depicted a world. Very well, and yet I will surpass you in this way. My next map will be a world."
Foleri laughed at him and said Parvo had lost his mind, and perhaps he had. He went home, and he worked, and he worked, and he worked, and he made our world, which we call Parva. He invited Foleri to view it, who refused to concede anything even then. "Very fine, for a bare ball. Where is the sun? Where is the moon? You have no sense."
Foleri returned home and worked on maps of his own, and he made the sun, the moons (because he saw no reason to stop at one), and all the stars. That is why we call heaven the Folerium.
As to what happened between them after that, or what their world and heaven are called, I am not a liar enough to pretend knowledge, for everything I have told you is true.
Finis
January 30, 2022
Addendum
The Warring Snakes Period is completely different and appeals to a niche but perhaps lucrative audience.
January 29, 2022
The Latest Subgenre
Warring Skates Period. Describes any subgenre where disputes between countries are settled by sporting events, such as pinball.
January 27, 2022
Industry Trends
The word that will define the coming year in speculative fiction is "contumely." Adjust your plans accordingly.
Addendum
At least it wasn't unholy, like when Justinian was a demon sent from hell to depopulate the Earth and sent his head flying around the palace at night. That's a historical fact from your boy Procopius. Look it up.
January 25, 2022
History Corner
The Holy Roman Empire was both Roman and an empire. That fun quotation was about its dying days, not its entire existence. Now the holy part, well, you know, I mean, things are complicated sometimes.
January 24, 2022
The Music of Fantasy
How would you score your favorite books? I was thinking something like dun dun DADUN dun dadun DAN DAN. What do you think?
January 23, 2022
Attractions for the Discerning Tourist
When you're in Lonnpor, you can't miss the Red Palace, the Green Palace, or the Glade Festival. Every traveler who does the research finds out about those. But did you know? There's a parade no tourist should ever see. You want to see it now, don't you?
It's called the Emigration Parade, and it's not on a weekly schedule, or monthly, not even yearly. No wonder it isn't as well known as the Devotion of Sixths! No, this parade is held when the city council determines the place is getting a little packed, population-wise. Then it's time for the worst parade!
There's the grand marshal now. Locals recognize him as the guy who stands on street corners and tells you that if you don't like the weather, you should wait a minute! He's waving forward the band. It's not a good band, as expectedwhen the players are those jerks who make a racket in public areas and glare at anyone who passes without dropping a penny. Who do they think they are?
After them come the bakers with their rolling display! A selection of their wares? An oven so the crowd can see them at work? None of that. It's a set of couches they lounge on while fanning themselves with copies of the charter of monopoly the city granted their great-grandfather! There's a reason they all have the same last name, and also a reason their prices are higher than Rellpor's. Try bringing bread from there into the city. They dare you.
Who's that behind him? It's the city's senior judge, who's just dying to handle your suit personally. Why, you'd have to pay him not to! No, really. Pay him. It turns into a real problem if you don't.
After that, the prisoner cart rolls by. Who are those contemptible souls? Murderers? Robbers? People who told tourists about the Emigration Parade and discouraged growth in that vital industry? We won't keep you in suspense: it's the third one.
On and on it goes, each segment designed to remind locals why they've always thought about leaving but never got around to it. Does it work? Just ask the founders of Rellpor, Eckbor, Ptopor, New Lonnpor, Farther Rellpor, Innbor, Tetti Dann Por, Dedvidau, Osspor . . .
Finis
It's called the Emigration Parade, and it's not on a weekly schedule, or monthly, not even yearly. No wonder it isn't as well known as the Devotion of Sixths! No, this parade is held when the city council determines the place is getting a little packed, population-wise. Then it's time for the worst parade!
There's the grand marshal now. Locals recognize him as the guy who stands on street corners and tells you that if you don't like the weather, you should wait a minute! He's waving forward the band. It's not a good band, as expectedwhen the players are those jerks who make a racket in public areas and glare at anyone who passes without dropping a penny. Who do they think they are?
After them come the bakers with their rolling display! A selection of their wares? An oven so the crowd can see them at work? None of that. It's a set of couches they lounge on while fanning themselves with copies of the charter of monopoly the city granted their great-grandfather! There's a reason they all have the same last name, and also a reason their prices are higher than Rellpor's. Try bringing bread from there into the city. They dare you.
Who's that behind him? It's the city's senior judge, who's just dying to handle your suit personally. Why, you'd have to pay him not to! No, really. Pay him. It turns into a real problem if you don't.
After that, the prisoner cart rolls by. Who are those contemptible souls? Murderers? Robbers? People who told tourists about the Emigration Parade and discouraged growth in that vital industry? We won't keep you in suspense: it's the third one.
On and on it goes, each segment designed to remind locals why they've always thought about leaving but never got around to it. Does it work? Just ask the founders of Rellpor, Eckbor, Ptopor, New Lonnpor, Farther Rellpor, Innbor, Tetti Dann Por, Dedvidau, Osspor . . .
Finis
Terminology Corner
The climax is in the middle. The technical term for the exciting part at the end is "screenplay bait."
January 21, 2022
Addendum
Ultra Michael is pretty good, but wait until the end to bring it up or things will just get silly.
