Debra Beck's Blog, page 36
April 1, 2014
Parenting a Teen: Are you Guiding or Controlling?
It’s safe to say that your teens are going to do things that drive you crazy. This is a natural downside of parenting, and you might have the urge to deal with the feeling by increasing the amount of control you have over your children’s lives. However, there is a truth about the Universe that everything we try too hard to restrict ends up breaking free, rebelling and causing even more problems. This law definitely applies to teenagers.
What Are You Trying to Control?
When attempting to examine whether or not you are being too controlling with your teen, it’s important to look at the root of what’s bothering you. For example, if your daughter has been dressing in wild and inappropriate clothing, it’s likely not the clothes themselves you have an issue with. It’s the fact that you want your daughter to respect herself and present a good image to the world.
Why Are You Trying to Control?
Be honest with yourself: Are you trying to control your teen because you are truly concerned or because it makes you feel better? As parents, there is a strong tendency to project our own issues onto our children. Maybe your daughter’s style of dress bothers you because you dressed similarly in high school and were called names for it. It’s normal to be concerned with such a thing, but try to examine your daughter’s situation without involving your own life experiences.
Are You Asking the Right Questions?
If you have a concern about something your child is doing, you can start by asking questions. If your daughter has suddenly adopted a new style of dress, ask her why. Ask what she likes about the way it looks and whether or not she believes the image she’s showing the world matches who she really is. Sure, you could ban your daughter from wearing certain clothes or doing certain things, but this may backfire and lead her to simply change into the clothes behind your back or dress even more provocatively once she’s 18 and our on her own. You can’t fix or change your child, but you can encourage her to be more thoughtful by asking the right questions.
Are You Robbing Your Child of an Important Life Lesson?
There are times when parents need to intervene and times when they need to step back and allow their children to learn some lessons on their own. Unfortunately, there aren’t set rules for which situation is which, but when in doubt, ask yourself whether your children are making choices that could present a serious danger to their health, academic standing or future opportunities. If so, you need to intervene. If not, feel free to sit back, allow your them to make mistakes, and be there for them when they need a shoulder to cry on.
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March 28, 2014
Four Signs That Your Teen Suffers From Low Self-Confidence
There are many things that can affect a child’s level of self-confidence, from struggling with schoolwork to worrying about his or her physical appearance. Low self-confidence can manifest differently depending on the person, so if your child seems happy and outgoing, you shouldn’t necessarily assume everything is okay.
1. Does Your Teen Have a Hard Time Accepting Praise?
When you compliment your son on how he looks, does he accept the comment or respond with an opposing view? When you praise your daughter for doing well on a test, does she respond with a statement about how she could have done better? Having difficulty accepting compliments is a sign of low self-confidence.
2. Does Your Teen Have Difficulty Making Decisions?
Indecisiveness is another sign of low self-confidence. Naturally, everyone is indecisive from time to time. If you give your child some Christmas money, it makes sense that he or she might have a hard time choosing which awesome new video game to buy. However, when children struggle with simple decisions, it’s a sign that they aren’t comfortable trusting their own instincts.
3. Does Your Teen Easily Give Up?
If your child is quick to give up on studying, preparing for an athletic tryout or any other difficult challenge, he or she might be suffering. Children with low self-confidence often believe they are destined to fail, and when this belief is firm in one’s mind, it makes it difficult to stay motivated.
4. Does Your Teen Compare His or Herself to Others?
It’s natural to wonder how you compare to others. Most people struggle with this, but it’s particularly common in teenagers, whom must go to school each day and see hundreds of other students who might be more academically successful, popular or good looking than they are. If you see your teen full of angst due to feeling like he or she doesn’t compare to peers, it’s time to begin working on building self-worth.
Cultivating strong self-confidence is a lifelong practice, and unfortunately, it isn’t something you can directly give to your child. However, parents play a huge role in building strong and confident children, both by listening to their concerns and helping them find their strength through supporting their hobbies and interests. We all struggle with self-worth, but the more you can show your children you believe in them from a young age, the quicker they will learn to believe in themselves.
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March 25, 2014
Internet Life and Family Life: Finding Balance in a Quickly Advancing World
The following scenario might be all too familiar: You’ve prepared dinner, but before anyone can eat, you have to drag your kids away from their computers. Even after you get them to the table, they break out their phones and continue surfing the Internet. You would scold them, but you really need to check your emails as well, and this is the first free second you’ve had all day.
Even if you’re not very net savvy yourself, chances are, someone in your household is struggling to find a healthy balance between the Internet and real life. No one wants to be part of a family of non-communicative zombies who do nothing but stare at a screen all day, but you know all too well that it’s borderline impossible to disconnect from the Internet. You need it, your spouse needs it, and if nothing else, your children need it for homework. What is a parent supposed to do?
Set Some Rules and Stick to Them
It might be difficult, but you must set an example for your kids. This means that if you’ve told them no phones at the dinner table, you can’t get out your own when you need to check an email. Your kids might fight you at first, but they could eventually begin to enjoy the break from the Internet during dinner.
Turn the Wireless Signal Off at Night
If your kids are missing out on precious hours of sleep due to staying up too late on the Internet, something really needs to be done. Rather than commandeering their laptops and cell phones each night, consider a simpler solution: Keep the wireless router in your bedroom and shut it off when you go to sleep. If your kids know there is no chance of getting online, they will have an easier time winding down for bed.
Remove the Data Plan
The problem with the above option is that many kids have data plans that allow them to access the Internet on their phones without a wireless signal. If you feel this is a necessity, remind yourself that a decade ago, most kids got by just fine without having cell phones at all, let alone Internet. Keeping the Internet as a part of your family phone plan is fine as long as everyone is maintaining a healthy balance, but if you see your kids abusing the luxury, don’t be afraid to get rid of it.
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March 21, 2014
Your Child Has Been Expelled From School: What Now?
If your child has just been expelled, you are right to feel devastated. An expulsion can be hugely damaging to your child’s future as well as his or her self-esteem. However, depending on the reason for the expulsion, you might have an even bigger problem on your hands. It’s important to stay calm and take things one step at a time.
1. Determine Exactly What Happened
Your first step is to figure out what happened. Talk to your child and talk to the school. The more information you can gather, the better.
2. Decide if You Agree With The Decision
Once you learn what actually happened, you may or may not agree that your child deserved the expulsion. Be aware that although you have the right to appeal the decision, expulsion repeals are rarely successful.
3. If Necessary, Get Help For Your Child
If your child was expelled for reasons of violence or other severe behavioral problems, it makes sense to keep him or her out of school while you seek professional help. Unknown health issues are often to blame for terrible behavior, so if your child has acted out of character, be sure to visit a doctor right away. Having an official diagnosis can also help when attempting to enroll your child in another school.
4. Look For a New Education Plan
Once you and your chosen health professionals figure out what is going on with your child and get the situation under control, it’s time to begin looking for a new school. Depending on the reason for the expulsion, this could be difficult. As a general rule, schools with smaller class sizes work better since this allows your child to get individual attention. You also might want to consider a private or specialty school, especially if your child is suffering from a disorder such as ADHD or autism.
5. Help Your Child Recover and Move Forward
Children who have been expelled don’t feel good about it, despite how cocky and careless they might try to appear. If your child made a terrible mistake or acted in violence, it’s normal to feel angry, disappointed and even afraid. However, at the end of the day, you are the parent, and you must find it in your heart to forgive and help your child move forward.
The best thing you can do is to help your child find joy and purpose in life. Getting him or her involved in extra-curricular activities and keeping the focus on doing well at the new school is the number one way to turn things around. Understand that serious behavioral problems don’t disappear overnight, but as long as you continue to love, support and believe in your child, there is a good chance that he or she will move forward toward a brighter future.
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March 18, 2014
Healthy, Happy Finances: Four Key Tips to Raising a Financially Responsible Teen
In general, teenagers don’t understand money. They understand the desire for material possessions all too well, and they understand the concept that it takes money to acquire those possessions, but without a lifetime of work under their belt, they can’t truly know how valuable money actually is. Unless you teach them while they are still young, they will face a rude awakening when they finally reach adulthood.
1. Set a Good Example
If you have difficulty being responsible with money, it will be hard to teach your children to be any different. Setting a good example will not only improve your own finances, but it will show your children the benefits of being responsible. If you want to make a large purchase, save up for it instead of putting it on a credit card.
2. Teach the Value of Word
It’s fine to give your kids what they want for Christmas or their birthdays, but if you buy them everything they ask for whenever they ask for it, you aren’t doing them any favors. Help your kids discover the pride that comes with saving for an item and then finally being able to buy it by giving them an allowance or paying them to do certain chores around the house.
3. Teach Smart Spending Habits
Engrained money patterns are often difficult to break, but if you start early, you can help your children practice good habits from the beginning. Teach your kids to stop and ask certain questions before they make a purchase. Do they have enough money to buy this item and still have plenty leftover for necessities? Is the item important enough to be worth spending money they could potentially spend on something else? Is there another store, a coupon or an upcoming sale that would allow them to purchase the item without spending so much money? Getting into the habit of asking these and similar questions before each major purchase will go a long way.
4. Make Saving Money Fun
Aside from teaching smart spending, you can also help your kids develop a passion for saving money by making it fun. Encourage your kids to save a portion of their allowances or work wages. Set an attainable savings goal for each month, and then when they meet that goal, suggest that they take a small portion of their savings and put it toward something they have been wanting.
Obtaining a truly healthy relationship with finances is about balance. It isn’t healthy to work hard and save everything for a distant future without enjoying the current moment, and it isn’t healthy to spend everything now and not think about the future. When you can achieve and demonstrate this balance for your kids, chances are, they will grow up to enjoy a healthy relationship with money as well.
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March 14, 2014
Four Disturbing Teen Trends that Parents Should Watch Out For!
You know your kids have to do well in school and maintain a clean track record if they want to get into college and move forward toward a bright future. You also know that there are many factors that could possibly stand in their way. It’s bad enough worrying about sex and drug use, but now, a number of disturbing new trends are rising in the teenage world, and some of them almost seem too weird to be real.
1. I-Dosing
I-dosing is the art of using certain sound waves to alter consciousness. I-dose dealers sell mp3 files that are designed to create an altered mental state similar to that which one might feel under the influence of a certain drug. Experts agree that I-dosing itself isn’t dangerous, but parents should still be concerned if they see their children taking part. It’s safe to say that a teen with a growing interest in I-dosing is someone who might consider using actual drugs in the future.
2. Bloodsucking
With Twilight and other vampire movies growing more popular by the day, many teens are developing an unhealthy fascination with the bloodsucking dead. Many different websites feature postings or photographs by teens who have been engaging in blood drinking play, and with the number of diseases out there in this day and age, that is something parents should definitely be concerned about.
3. Drinking Cough Syrup
This trend is unfortunately not new, but it is still happening at an alarming frequency. When teens add cough syrup to soft drinks or alcoholic beverages, they end up with a dissociative high, hallucinations and feelings of relaxation. Many teens consider this a fun and affordable recreational activity, but it’s possible to overdose on the syrup, and even a single overdose can lead to death.
4. Eyeballing Vodka
“Eyeballing” is the practice of pouring an alcoholic beverage directly into the eyes, allowing the alcohol to seep into the blood vessels and create a fast method of intoxication. Many teens are going this route to avoid getting caught with vodka on their breath, but the alcohol can scar the surface of the eye, sometimes leading to blindness.
If you suspect that your teen might be taking part in any of these practices, it’s time to sit down and have a talk. Some of these trends might seem so silly that you’re sure your child would never take part, but you might be surprised. When in doubt, communicate with your kids and ask them what’s happening in their world. It’s much better to discover a potential problem and put a stop to it before it becomes a serious problem.
If you need help in how to talk to your teen, please take advantage of my FREE 15- Minute Discovery Session here.
Keep Loving Yourself, Debra
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March 11, 2014
Your Role as a Parent: Seven Important Life Skills That Your Children Learn From You
Your children look up to many people, from rock stars to superheroes, but even if they won’t admit it, they look up to you most of all. As a parent, you are the primary influence in your children’s lives, which presents a wonderful opportunity to help shape who they will later become.
1. How to Deal With Feelings
When life throws you a curve ball, do you face the challenge proactively or suffer an emotional breakdown? Throughout our lives, we each will be dealt a variety of difficult challenges, and as your children grow up, they will observe how you react to difficulty. It’s okay to cry or show emotion, but you must also teach your kids that when faced with a problem, they should rise to the occasion and use their minds to find a solution.
2. How to Treat Others
You can’t scold your child for bullying if he or she sees you making fun of your coworkers or other adults. Demonstrate kindness and compassion in all situations, and it will rub off on your children. It’s also a good idea to begin teaching charity at a young age. You can do this by encouraging your children to donate the toys they no longer use to needy families.
3. How to Communicate
Communication is a very important life skill, and helping your children develop healthy practices at a young age will go a long way in securing a happy future. If you get into an argument with your children and end up angry, don’t shut down and ignore the problem. Encourage them to share their true feelings, and then respectfully share your own. Your children can only learn healthy communication if you give them an opportunity to practice.
4. How to Care For Themselves Physically and Emotionally
Teach your children the value in healthy eating, moderate exercise and a positive mental outlook from a young age, because the earlier a person learns these skills, the more likely they are to use them throughout their lives.
5. How to Manage Their Lives and Find Balance
Balance is essential for a happy life. You must show your children how to balance work, play, school and relaxation time by achieving this balance yourself. Don’t bring the stress of the office home in the evenings. Instead, dedicate that time to helping your children study or simply spending time with them.
6. How to Manage Finances
This is an area that many people have trouble with, but if you do your best to demonstrate healthy spending practices and make an effort to save money, your children are more likely to do the same.
7. How to Have Healthy Relationships
If your children grow up seeing you crying and suffering abuse at the hands of your partner, they will begin to associate that abuse with love. Never stay in an abusive or unhealthy situation for the sake of your children. What they really need is an example of a healthy and loving relationship. If you and your current partner can’t give that to them, you should remain single until you can.
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March 7, 2014
The Sex Talk
What is the sex talk and how many parents have it with their kids? I checked out books from the library and brought them home to my girls and tried to look at them with them and have a discussion. My oldest daughter was interested but her sister ran and hid in the closet. It’s important to have an on-going conversation with them, not just one talk.
This article and video show how important the talk is. It’s important to take the extra steps with your kids, not just have a short conversation about sex, but a full on discussion about everything about it. Talk about the workings of it, the emotions of it, What is sex, that it’s just not having intercourse, that oral sex is sex. The more you talk about it, the better choices they will make when confronted with it.
Tips for Moms on Having ‘The Talk’
A New Survey by Seventeen and O Magazine Shows the Sex Talk Helps Prevent Pregnancies, Keep Kids Safe
By RAQUEL HECKER
April 13, 2009
Having “the sex talk” with your kids is one of the most dreaded moments in parenthood, but according to a new survey by Oprah’s O magazine and Seventeen magazine, it’s also one of the most important.
O magazine’s Gayle King explains a mother-daughter survey on the sex talk.
Mother-Daughter Relationship
The magazines partnered to survey 1,122 girls between the ages of 15 and 22, and 1,098 mothers who have daughters that age to investigate the daughter-mother communication gap.
They found that mothers still aren’t talking explicitly enough to their daughters about sex, but for those who do, the discussion can have a major impact. Teens that have had “the talk” are half as likely to get pregnant, are more likely to practice safe sex and have fewer regrets about sex.
O magazine editor-at-large Gayle King and Seventeen magazine editor-in-chief Ann Shoket joined “Good Morning America” to help dissect the survey’s findings and offer some tips for mothers preparing to bravely take on the talk.
Keep Loving Yourself, Debra
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March 4, 2014
Daughters Boyfriends
Hi Parents, here is a quick video with some tips on how to step into your teens reality about their relationships and understanding that it is their journey, not yours. Sometimes hard to do. Enjoy!
Keep Loving Yourself, Debra
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February 28, 2014
Avoid These Five Common College Application Mistakes
If you’re getting ready to send out college applications, you’re probably pretty excited, but it’s important to be aware of some common mistakes that can possibly hinder the chances of getting into your desired school.
1. Incomplete Applications
Each college has a different application process, and you must pay close attention to each step. Always double check your work before submitting and follow on-screen instructions closely. If you forget a required section of the application, it may rejected. A technical problem may also interfere with submission, so if you don’t get a confirmation receipt from the college stating that they have received your application, you may want to look into whether or not something went wrong.
2. Listing Your Qualifications in an Improper Way
Be as specific as possible when discussing your achievements. If you spend a summer volunteering in Africa, don’t simply list a “volunteer trip.” Talk about where you volunteered, what you actually did and how it impacted your life. The admissions staff want to know the people they are considering, so the more information you can give about who you are and what you’re about, the better. Also, don’t be afraid to explain your mistakes. For example, if you failed a semester of high school due to a health problem that caused you to miss a lot of school, explain your struggles and how they affected who you are.
3. Simple Errors
There are no excuses to have spelling or grammatical errors on your application, especially when most modern computers highlight any mistakes you might make. Even despite this, poor proofreading skills are still responsible for most of the mistakes that are found on applications. Always choose your words carefully and spend a great deal of time checking your work before submitting. This is an important life skill that will later help you in the professional world as well as college.
4. Not Communicating With Your Guidance Counselor
When it comes to applications, your high-school guidance counselor is your best friend. He or she will help you submit transcripts and letters of recommendation to your chosen schools, which is an important part of the application process. If you don’t tell your counselor where you’ve applied, you won’t receive this help.
5. Too Many Letters of Recommendation
It might seem like having 50 different letters of recommendation would make you stand out as a stellar potential student, but this isn’t always the case. If you have too many letters, the admissions counselor may not have time to read them all. This could result in some of your best references going ignored. Always follow the instructions and send the exact number of letters that is recommended.
Remember, college counselors must review and choose between thousands of applications each year. Even if your application is perfect, you will still be facing plenty of competition. You can’t afford to make mistakes.
Keep Loving Yourself, Debra
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Debra Beck's Blog
