Debra Beck's Blog, page 40
October 25, 2013
The First Heartbreak: Helping Your Daughter Through Romantic Disappointments
Watching your little girl fall in love for the first time can be an interesting experience, but as an older and more experienced person, you know that young love rarely lasts. Therefore, your daughter’s first love will more than likely lead to her first heartbreak, and when that day comes, it’s important that you be prepared to help soothe her wounds.
Try Not to Judge
No matter who is to blame for the breakup, try to remain as non-judgmental as you can. If you disliked the boyfriend, now is not the time to verbally bash him. Instead, let your daughter do most of the talking. Never criticize her behavior at this time. If, during the relationship, you noticed certain mistakes on her part, wait until she is through the initial heartbreak to discuss them with her. Teens need to be allowed the freedom to make their own mistakes.
Be Around More
If you can, hang around the house a little more after your daughter’s breakup. She will probably choose to spend a lot of time alone in her room, but during those rare moments when she finds herself in the mood to vent, it will help to have her mom around. This isn’t to say that you have to rearrange your entire schedule, just try to avoid going on a week-long getaway with your girlfriends during the time your daughter needs you the most.
Make Her Feel Good
When she is past the initial stage of post-relationship grief, it’s time to take your daughter out for some serious girl time. Go shopping, get manicures, have your hair done, and talk about anything and everything. Not only will it help bring the two of you closer and help her forget about the breakup, it will teach her life skills that can help her better manage breakups in the future.
Create a Sense of Comfort and Normalcy
They say time heals all wounds, which means that the sooner you can get your daughter’s world feeling normal, the easier it will be for her to move on. After giving her a few days to experience the heartbreak and emotionally rebound, encourage her to get back to her normal activities. Do everything you can to make her environment feel safe and comfortable, including taking the time to watch movies as a family and make her favorite home-cooked meals.
Watching your little girl experience her first romantic disappointments may feel like heartbreak yourself, but it’s important to remember that these experiences will help her grow into the strong woman she can become.
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October 23, 2013
Improving Teen Confidence: Four Scary Dangers of Low Self-Esteem
Strong self-esteem is a highly coveted trait. We all recognize someone who has it, whether it be something about the way they walk, a sense of strength in their voice or their ability to maintain eye contact. However, these days, most of us don’t have a good sense of self-esteem, and for a lot of us, that lacking sense of self-worth began during our teenage years.
Teenage girls with low self-esteem go on to become grown women with low self-esteem, which can lead to failures at jobs, attracting negative relationships or even developing eating disorders. If your teen daughter begins working toward a strong sense of self of self today, it will carry her forward toward a beautiful future. However, if she doesn’t, she could go down the same road as many of her peers, facing problems with drugs, her academics, and if she isn’t careful, her reputation.
1. Caving Into Peer Pressure
Teens with low self-esteem are more likely to give into peer pressure because they don’t have the confidence to say no to their friends. They may start drinking or using a drug to gain acceptance but then realize that they are physically addicted and unable to stop.
2. Dressing Provocatively
If your daughter has suddenly started dressing in a highly provocative way, it may be an issue of her self-esteem, not her fashion sense. Many young girls will dress in skimpy clothing just to hear boys make comments about their bodies. Sometimes, even degrading comments are taken as positive simply because the boys are showing an interest. To a young girl with low self-esteem, negative attention is often considered better than being invisible.
3. Acting Out In School
For some teenagers, it can be easier to identify as the class clown rather than take things seriously, especially if they are having trouble with their studies. If your daughter has been getting in trouble during class, ask how she is feeling about her studies, her friendships and her appearance. If she feels that she won’t amount to much in any of these areas, she may be trying to make up for that lack of self-worth by gaining attention for acting silly.
4. Considering Self-Harm
Unfortunately, teenage self-esteem problems can lead to serious self-harm issues like cutting. When teenagers feel bad about themselves and don’t have an outlet to deal with those feelings, they will often become depressed, violent or even suicidal. Stay on top of this problem by talking to your daughter about her feelings and watching for any signs of self-harm, such as cuts, scratches or burn marks.
As hard as it is, you need to help your daughter learn to find acceptance within herself, her spirituality and her friendships, not from those who don’t really care about her. If she continues to search for acceptance in the wrong places, it will eventually lead her down a dark, lonely road. As a parent, the most you can do is continue helping her cultivate positive sources of self-worth, and always be reminding her that you are her biggest fan.
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October 18, 2013
Smart-Phones: Are You as Addicted as Your Teen?
Parents have always complained that children don’t come with a handbook, and in the age of technology, many of them are facing a challenge that never before existed: smart-phone addiction. If you’re like most people, you probably have your own smart phone, and if your family is like most, each of your kids probably have one too. Technology has become a part of our everyday lives, and it can be quite difficult to avoid. However, what happens when your smart phone begins to own you?
Both Kids and Parents Are Becoming Addicted
As a mentor, I’ve helped both parents and teens find balance in their lives and tone down their smart-phone usage. Often times, it seems that the parents can be as addicted as their teenagers. If you’re concerned that your daughter is putting her smart-phone usage ahead of her schoolwork, you should ask yourself what sort of example you’re setting for her. Do you often use your smart phone when home in the evenings? Do you check it at the dinner table? Do you allow it to interrupt time with your family? If you answered yes to any of these questions, it might be time to make a change.
The Dangers of Smart-Phone Addiction
You already know that becoming addicted to smart phones and social media can draw your attention away from other important matters. Many smart-phone addicts begin to neglect their real-life relationships with friends and family members, and some even stop caring about schoolwork, jobs and hobbies they once enjoyed. Even worse, losing the ability to check their phones can trigger many addicts into an emotional breakdown, leading to sleep disorders, depression, irritability and anxiety. When you know things are constantly happening online, you may feel upset at the idea of missing out.
Setting Limits For a Healthier Balance
It’s likely that from here on out, smart phones are going to have a regular place in our lives. Therefore, it’s important to know how to set limits and achieve a healthier balance between real life and technology. As a family, consider setting some limits on smart phone use, such as not allowing phones at the dinner table, putting them in a different room until homework has been completed and turning them off while taking part in recreational events. One teen girl that I mentor committed to making these changes, and she said that she felt much happier and more productive as a result.
There is so many distractions in today world that keep us away from being present to who and what is right in front of us. Pay attention to what is pulling you away from what is important in your life.
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October 15, 2013
Five Tips to Help Keep Teenage Stress at a Minimum
Life is stressful at any age, but it can be especially hard on teenagers. Not only does schoolwork become significantly more challenging after entering high school, but teens are also experiencing massive physical and hormonal changes that can affect their bodies and minds. During this turbulent time of development, it’s important to help your daughter keep her stress levels down.
1. Help Set Priorities
Falling behind on schoolwork is one major source of teenage stress. Help your daughter avoid this by teaching time management skills. Set aside some time each evening to sit down and go over what she needs to get done. Doing this can help you keep an eye on her progress and give her the opportunity to ask any questions she might have. If she is overwhelmed at a bigger project, help her lay out the work in sections so her goals will feel easier to meet.
2. Don’t Put Too Much Pressure
You want your children to do well in school and go far in life, but you don’t have to remind them of this every day. There is a fine line between pushing your child toward success and pushing her off a cliff. Acknowledge that you have high hopes, but don’t flip out over every test score or grade. Accept that there will be mistakes from time to time and move on.
3. Help Her Acknowledge Her Feelings
If you see your daughter having issues with her friends or siblings, encourage her to talk it out with them. Simply acknowledging and releasing emotion can go a long way in reducing everyday stress. Even if she feels she can’t talk to her friends, always remind her that she can talk to you. Bottling up stress is the number one way to make things worse.
4. Take a Break
If your daughter has had a particularly stressful week, consider spending some time together on the weekend. Take her shopping, go see a movie or do another activity that she enjoys. It will get her mind off her troubles and provide the two of you some precious mother-daughter bonding time.
5. Keep Your Own Stress at a Minimum
Your children will subconsciously watch and mimic the way you handle stress. Practice healthy stress-reducing techniques such as meditation, exercise and good communication, and don’t pack your schedule too tight. You want to teach balance, which means that you take on a reasonable amount of work and leave plenty of time for eating, sleeping and having fun.
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October 11, 2013
Parenting Advice: How Letting Go Can Help Your Daughter Grow
Being a parent can be rough. It feels terrible to watch helplessly as your daughter makes mistakes, but when you try to guide her, she seems to resent you for it. Other times, her typical teenage troubles seem so silly and inconsequential that it makes it difficult for you to take her seriously. As hard as it can sometimes be, you have to put yourself in your daughter’s shoes and respect her position in life.
Let Her Express Her Feelings
It’s important that your daughter feels comfortable expressing herself. This doesn’t mean that she should be allowed to mouth off and be disrespectful to others, but rather than she should be given the time and space to work through her emotions and come to her own conclusions. Sometimes, it can take a teenager a while to understand her own feelings. Try to remember that.
Teach Her to Manage Her Own Life
Life management is a skill, and your daughter will not be able to develop it if you continually fight her battles for her. As she goes through her teen years, she will have plenty of disagreements with friends, breakups with boyfriends and other problems with people in her world. Rather than getting personally involved and attempting to guide her every step of the way, engage her in discussions that can help her realize and work through her own feelings.
Allow Her to Make Mistakes
No one is perfect, and you can’t expect your teenage daughter to even come close. Teenagers are on the biggest learning curve of their life. Watching her make mistakes might make you cringe, but it’s important that she learns the consequences for her actions and behaviors. This isn’t to say that you should allow her to walk directly into a fire, but rather, if you see trouble coming her way, help her find her own way out of it. You can do this by asking questions that will stimulate her thinking, such as “How do you feel about that?” “What advice would you give someone else in the same situation?” or “What choice is going to make you the happiest?”
A girl’s legs can be a bit wobbly as she walks the road to becoming a woman, and there are times when you will need to sit back and watch her fall. As much as you probably want to, you can’t hold her hand her whole life. You can, however, set realistic boundaries and stick to them, which will help her define her relationship with you and teach her important lessons about life. As a parent, that is the most you can ask for.
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October 9, 2013
Five Ways For Teens to Improve Confidence Socially
If you’re a teen who is struggling to make friends, you’re not alone. Many teenagers look longingly at the popular crowd and wonder if they will ever be worthy of such acceptance. Not everyone can be the most popular kid in school, but if you make a strong effort and believe in yourself, there is a good chance that you can make some lasting friendships during your teenage years. Here are a few helpful tips to help you with making friends.
1. Be Friendly and Funny
There are two things that all people love: being complimented and being made to laugh. If there is a girl in your class that you’ve always wanted to talk to, try breaking the ice by complimenting her shoes. When it comes to humor, don’t be afraid to get a little silly. The more you demonstrate your humor to others, the more that people with a similar sense of humor will gravitate toward you.
2. Be The Type of Friend You Would Want
If you want your friends to stay close, you should treat them how you want to be treated. This means always being kind, always listening and being willing to let the little things go.
3. Work on Learning Confidence
Loving yourself takes work, and even those who seem to have it all feel bad about themselves at times. The more you take care of yourself and make good decisions, the better you will feel about yourself. Also try watching someone that you really admire. How does she speak? What mannerisms make her seem confident? If you can emulate her confidence, fake it until you make it theory.
4. Join Clubs and Organizations
It can be difficult to meet people if you aren’t around them. Joining clubs and organizations that interest you is one of the best ways that you can find friends with similar mindsets.
5. Be a Good Listener
Always be willing to listen to your friends when they need it, but remember that friendships go both ways. If you have a friend who only talks about herself and never listens to you, that relationship is unbalanced and your efforts would likely be better off directed elsewhere.
If you’re the parent of a teenage girl, your heart may break as you watch her struggle to make friends. Maybe you are reminded of your own painful teenage years, or maybe you had a good experience as a teen and can’t figure out how to get your daughter there. The best thing you can do as a parent is try to understand how difficult is is for her and be a good listener by stepping into her reality. Have compassion for her struggle and encourage her to make friends by reminding her of self worth and helping her to pursue activities that she loves.
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October 4, 2013
Teen Eating Disorders – Orthorexia
As the United States continues to make headlines for its soaring obesity rates, a lot of people are looking for ways to clean up their diet, detoxify their bodies and seek more vibrant health. This is a wonderful thing in itself, but it can have negative consequences when the focus on healthy eating becomes more of an obsession than a lifestyle.
Orthorexia Nervosa and How it Develops
Orthorexia is described as an unhealthy obsession with eating only the purest of foods. The definition of “pure” depends on the individual, but it can include vegetarian or vegan foods, whole foods that are free of preservatives, grain-free and gluten-free foods or even foods that are completely raw. Experts believe that the disorder is currently on the rise, thanks to the popularity of juice fasting, water cleanses and other crash diets that claim to make the body more pure.
People can become orthorexic for a number of different reasons, but many orthorexics are obsessed with purity and beauty, often falling victim to the idea that following a strict diet will create clear skin, shining hair, a skinny figure and an overall perfect physical appearance. There is even a rumor floating around online that eating 100 percent raw will change a person’s eye color from brown to blue. This type of unrealistic marker will only feed the obsession, creating a situation where the orthorexic has to constantly check themselves in the mirror to look for the changes their diet is creating.
The Isolating Effects of The Negative Inner Voice
Orthorexia creates a state of isolation. As the disorder continues to worsen, sufferers usually begin to view the dietary habits of those around them as disgusting or impure, often refusing invitations to eat out at restaurants or take part in family dinners. They don’t necessarily want to be isolated, but they fear that there will be nothing safe for them to eat. This fear, combined with a negative inner voice that often tells them they are disgusting, fat and filled with impurities, can lead to severe depression, social phobia and increased obsessive behaviors.
Recognizing The Signs of an Obsession
If you’re concerned that your daughter may be suffering from orthorexia, now is the time to act. As an orthorexic ventures deeper into his or her disorder and begins to view more foods as unhealthy, the limits on consumption may tighten, and rapid weight loss may begin to occur. The more the disorder is allowed to progress, the harder it can be to recovery from, and if left unchecked, it could potentially lead to more serious eating disorders.
If you think your teen is having issues around eating… Call me for a FREE one-on-one session to talk about the options available for your teen.
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October 2, 2013
A Mother’s Influence: Is Your Negative Body Image Affecting Your Daughter?
It doesn’t take long for girls to begin learning that society expects them to look a certain way. From a very young age, most girls are exposed to television and movies that display nothing but women with gorgeous looks, and when less-than-perfect women are displayed, they are usually a funny sidekick and not the princess who gets to live happily ever after. Over time, these negative messages work their way into a young woman’s brain, creating a constant state of worry over her physical appearance. If left unchecked, this emotional burden can lead to serious eating disorders.
You Are Your Daughter’s Biggest Influence
The media is only one source of negative mental programming that can affect your daughter’s relationship with her own body. She may never admit it or even know it, but your daughter looks up to you more than anyone else. Many studies have demonstrated the importance of the mother-daughter relationship when it comes to supporting a healthy body image. Mothers who are concerned with their own weight are far more likely to criticize, control or even restrict their daughter’s food intake, which can lead to a lifelong discomfort with food. Have you ever complained about your weight in front of your daughter? Are you obsessive about counting calories, exercise programs and other weight-loss techniques? If so, be aware that you may be passing these tendencies down.
Finding a Healthy Balance
It’s okay to teach your daughter about healthy food and exercise. Both of these things are important for long-term health, but it’s important to also teach balance. Help your daughter understand that physical appearance is only a small percentage of what makes a beautiful person, and when compared to her mind, her passions and her relationship to those who love her, weight is low on the scale of importance.
Moving Forward Together
If you’re now aware that you’ve been projecting a negative body image onto your little girl, don’t beat yourself up. There is still plenty of time to turn things around. The truth is, your daughter is going to suffer insecurity about her body no matter what you do, and being honest about the fact that you feel the same way can actually do a lot to improve the situation. It’s okay to feel insecure at times. What matters most is that you both are always working on loving yourselves for who you really are. This is something the two of you can commit to working on together.
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September 27, 2013
Teen Dating: When Your Daughter Meets Mr. Wrong
As a mother, you are torn about your daughter entering the dating world. On the one hand, you want her to feel beautiful and attractive to the opposite sex. You want her to experience the joy of being asked to prom, having a boy hold her hand for the first time, and one day, when the time is right, having her first kiss. On the other hand, teen dating can be pretty scary. There are sexually transmitted diseases, the risk of pregnancy and the possibility that your baby girl could get her heart broken, or worse, be abused, degraded and taken advantage of.
The Cycle of Abuse
No matter what your age, it can be difficult to find and connect with the right person. Many relationships go from romantic to toxic after one or both parties turn out to be different from what the other person thought they were. Unfortunately, by the time this happens, many people have a difficult time letting go. This may especially be true for teens.
Studies have shown that one out of five teenagers become involved in a relationship that is either psychologically or physically abusive. You might think your daughter wouldn’t allow herself to be treated that way, but romantic feelings can lead even the most intelligent of young women to justify terrible behavior, especially if the guy is apologetic afterward. An abuser typically follows a cycle in which he is abusive for a short period of time and then immediately becomes apologetic and promises to change. This cycle makes it increasingly difficult for the young woman to remove herself from the relationship, and as the abuse continues to wear away at her self-esteem, the difficulty increases.
Signs to Watch Out For
Abusive behaviors include the boyfriend putting down your daughter’s appearance, pressuring her for sex when she has made it clear she isn’t ready, threatening to leave her for another girl if she doesn’t do as he says, attempting to control her schedule or dictate who she spends time with, trying to make her feel stupid after she speaks or physically abusing her in any way. Understand that she may be afraid to talk to you about these things, and if you come off as accusatory, she will likely become defensive. If this happens, be patient and prepare to try again in the future. It can take time for a young girl to realize that the man of her dreams might not be so dreamy after all, and when she does, she is going to need her mother more than ever.
What to do about it
If your daughter is in an abusive relationship it is because she doesn’t feel worthy of anything better. Low self-esteem is something most girls suffer from. At some point in their life it will show up. It is best to develop a strong sense of self in the early years, so abusive relationships can be avoided completely. Beside the typical things that you as a parent can do to build self-esteem, having a teen mentor have proven to doubles their chances for making wise choices and experience success in their life. Developing self-esteem doesn’t happen organically, it’s something that needs to be taught. As a parent it’s tough to be the only one teaching them because our teens might not be as open to us as we would like them to be.
If your daughter is showing signs of low self-esteem, please take advantage of my FREE 15 minute Discovery Session to talk about ways you can help your teen strengthen that self-esteem muscle.
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September 23, 2013
FROM GIRLS 2 WOMEN TELESUMMIT
Do you ever wonder how different your life would be today if you could go back in time and share with the teenage version of yourself ALL those things you know NOW?
How different might your life have been if you’d only had a female mentor in your life back then to help you conquer those crazy and challenging years from 10 to 18?
One who made you feel cared for, supported, and loved?
One who was there to answer all those difficult questions that everyone was afraid to talk to you about when you were that age?
You might have already come across an email about a ‘don’t-wanna-miss’ free summit hosted by my colleague and friend, Tova Garr. The thing you may not have heard is that a special invitation has been extended to me to be a presenter in this event! It’s my privilege to join you and the thousands of other mentors and role models who are gathering for this summit, and present my work along with over 21 other leaders and visionaries to empower young women to achieve their dreams by staying true to their hearts. To join and know more click here: http://fromgirls2women.com/Debra
I’m sure you would agree that life has changed a lot since we were teens ourselves. That’s why this event is designed to give you cutting edge tools and insights that you need to communicate with today’s teen girls. Wouldn’t it be great to engage and mentor girls in your life easily about topics like bullying, coming in to womanhood, peer pressure, social media, fulfilling their dreams and even their bodies and sexuality?
I am excited and inspired by the power of this renewed movement to empower young girls. Have you felt it? All over the world, activists, mentors and educators are focusing on girls. After all, we are the ones who’ll be responsible for future generations to come. That’s why it’s imperative that each of us learn how to communicate with them and support them to connect with their heart and dreams and make sure they have what it takes to navigate this critical journey. This summit will revolutionize the way you are parenting your daughter, mentoring your neighbor, or conversing with your niece. Whether you are a parent, a health care practitioner, a therapist, a friend or a mentor, you will learn exactly HOW to have those difficult conversations, stay approachable, contribute an informed and wise opinion during those challenging moments, so that your girl can go through her pre-teen and teen years and emerge a confident, empowered young woman.
If you want to change your girls life now, sign up here and reserve your spot for this free event http://fromgirls2women.com/Debra
I know that teenage girls who have positive role models find greater success in life in shorter periods of time. This is why I’m joining with Tova. I can’t put a price on this summit because truth is the well-being of our young girls is worth the world to me. That’s why she is bringing you a truly well rounded event, value-packed with tips, insights, and inspiration from myself and over 21 Leading Experts and visionaries in parenting, nutrition, body image, abundance, social media, bullying and more. What I really appreciate is this summit is your gift for no cost.
If you’re committed to the future happiness and well-being of the girls of this world, or you have a girl in your life that means the world to you, I invite you and the loved ones in your life to join me and Tova and my fellow leading experts on this free virtual summit From Girls 2 Women: Empowering Young Women to achieve their Dreams by Staying True to their Hearts.
Please join me, Tova and her fellow Leading Experts, Reserve your spot NOW here: http://fromgirls2women.com/Debra
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Debra Beck's Blog
