Debra Beck's Blog, page 50
May 7, 2012
Spark A Movement
SPARK Change. Join the Movement
SPARK is a girl-fueled activist movement to demand an end to the sexualization of women and girls in media. They are collaborating with hundreds of girls 13-22 and more than 60 national organizations to reject the commodified sexualized images of girls in the media and support the development of girls’ healthy sexuality and self-esteem.
I love this article on their site, that I want to share with you.
By Ness Fraser
A combination of turning 21 and becoming interested in working with adolescents has inspired me to write this post. I often wonder what I would say if I had the chance to speak to myself of a decade ago. Here are a few things I feel are important:
Dear 11-year-old me,
I’m sorry it’s been so long. I’m writing to you from the other side of the decade, as a 21-year-old young woman. I don’t want to give too much away — what is life if it isn’t a mystery? — but you’re on the cusp of some big things, and I know that you can feel it. I’m hear to promise you that it’ll be okay. And maybe give you a few pieces of insight that will make the next ten years a little bit easier.
In the 7th grade, you’ll hear for the first time that you’re imperfect, disgusting, and that you need to change you body in order for people to like you. Don’t believe it. Don’t let this fester inside of you, because it is poison. In an effort to change yourself, you will try starve off the love-handles and belly, go on numerous secret diets, and spend far too much time hating yourself. I need to tell you that you never reach what you think of now as “skinny”. But I do want you to know that one day you’ll get to this amazing place where you love your body without feeling that it needs to be changed.
When your aunt compliments you on losing weight after going two weeks with little food because you’re in a bad place emotionally, remember that your mind is more important than your body. Try not to feel like losing weight is an accomplishment. When your boyfriend tells you how to wear your hair, I want you to dump him and wear your hair however you want. When the TV tells you you’re not good enough, I want you to change the channel and eat that brownie anyway.
I know you worry that you’ll never be loved, but I promise you that you will grow up to be loved by many people, to experience amazing things, to grow into someone you’re proud of — and you’ll do it all without having to change your body into something it doesn’t want to be.
Please be gentle with yourself. Remember that you’re still learning, and it’s okay to make mistakes. And you will most definitely make mistakes. Learn how to apologize and mean it, learn how to forgive yourself. I’m still working on that one myself, but maybe if you get a head start you’ll get there sooner.
I forget sometimes what it was like to be you and look into the world. What it was like to have so much life ahead of you and feel like it’s going to take forever to live it. But I promise you it’ll go by quickly. You live from one event to the next, with a lot of wishing and dreaming in between. Tell the people who love you that you love them back; let them know their hard work is appreciated — they won’t be around forever.
More than anything, just take your time. Before you know it, you’ll be me — grown up, working, and paying bills and trying to figure out how to be an adult. I don’t want to say the problems you face now won’t matter, but when you face a mountain you feel is too hard to climb, climb it anyways and see what happens. You never know.
This article by Ness is real and honest, I love it. Pay attention to how you are buying into the media. Don’t let it dictate how you feel about yourself. Check in with yourself, you know what’s good for your body and if you feel you have an eating disorder seek help.
Check out this petition started by SPARKteam girl activist Julia Bluhm. This fab 14 year old is calling out Seventeen Magazine on their overwhelming usage of photoshop. Julia is asking the magazine to commit to one photoshop free spread per month to celebrate real girls, because we all want to see regular girls that look like us in a magazine that’s supposed to be for us.
I signed it and know it is making a difference, please check it out and as always,
Keep Loving Yourself, Debra
May 4, 2012
National Teen Self-Esteem Month Is May! Self-Esteem in Teenage Girls
It’s National Teen self-esteem month in the month of May, so what better time to talk about the importance of teen self-esteem.
Self Esteem in teenage girls is so important, yet it is so hard to develop and maintain. Actually self-esteem in all ages is really important! Lets talk about understanding self-esteem and see if we can make it easier to embody.
What is self -esteem? The Webster’s dictionary says; Self-Esteem-The esteem or good opinion of oneself. Now lets look at what Esteem is- to set value on to regard with respect.
Wow! That really sums it up, doesn’t it. So, for us to have self-esteem we need to have a good view of ourselves and be respectful to ourselves as well. Why is this so hard? Do you remember the first time someone in school told you, you were ugly, fat, weird or stupid? I think I was first grade…Ouch! There is nothing we can do about what other people say to us, right? But we certainly don’t have to believe them.
The title of my book “My Feet Aren’t Ugly” came from when I was 13-years-old and this guy I really had a crush on, said “You have the ugliest feet I have ever seen.” That stung and hung around me for years, obviously. I didn’t wear open toed shoes for a year in Phoenix, Arizona. Today I deal with criticism a bit differently. I listen and see if it’s something I need to look at inside myself, but if it’s just a rude comment about who I am or what I look like, I don’t give it another thought.
Treating ourselves with respect is totally in our hands, we have complete control over this one. If I have the choice to do something good for myself or bad, I have the choice to do what’s good, and no one can stop me. We have to remember that our opinion of ourselves really comes from inside of ourselves, not from outside influences. Not people, not the media!
Why is self-esteem so important? One, is that we make better decisions for ourselves when we aren’t lacking self-esteem. We want to value who we are, love who we are and make good decisions for our self to reinforce our self worth, thereby strengthening our self-esteem.
So lets look at some quick tips to strengthen and maintain our sense of self, so we can be powerful in the world.
Quick Tips to Self-esteem in teenage girls and anyone wanting to be confident.
Learn to love yourself for who you are
Don’t buy into the media
Respect yourself, make good decisions
Know that your opinions of yourself, come from you, not the opinions of others
Realize what make you shine is on the inside, not what you look like
Know that to play big in the world, you have to develop your sense of self and practice it daily
So, go out in the world with a knowing that you are good enough and you are perfect just the way you are, and play big out there and make a difference in the world.
Keep Loving Yourself,
Debra
May 1, 2012
Eating Disorders
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Eating disorders are a serious issue with teenage girls and women today. 50% of kids over 6-years-old want to be 3 sizes smaller, and 80% of 10-year-old kids are afraid of getting fat, and 10 million kids have eating disorders. These are staggering statistics. I am reading a book called “Life without ED”
This book by Jenni Schaefer really goes into what it’s like to have a relationship with an Eating Disorder “ED”. Even though I don’t have an eating disorder it gave me a deeper insight into my wounded child’s belief system about not being good enough. Even though my belief system has been in place a very long time and I have worked on not listening to it, I still have to be careful about what I allow in my life. Just looking a a People Magazine will bring that belief system into full swing.
Girls of all ages are constantly bombarded with images, words and their own thoughts about how they should look to be accepted in the world they live in. What can we do as parents to help them and ourselves develop a strong sense of self to know that our beauty is on the inside.
Keep the media to a minimum-magazines, TV, etc
Tell your daughter and yourself that your body is nothing more than a vehicle to get you around, as long as it’s strong and healthy you’re okay.
Watch the thoughts in your own head and whenever there is a negative thought about your body, replace it with a positive one.
Look at the bigger picture in life, what is the real reason we are here.
Keep reinforcing that what makes us beautiful is our essence, who we are, not what we look like.
Love yourself for the unique being that you are and all of your wonderful qualities.
Don’t listen to people who say negative things about you.
Mom’s help your daughters by looking at yourself in a positive light about your own body image and Dad’s watch how you talk about women’s bodies, it affects your daughters perception of their body image. Start talking to your children at a young age about this. If your daughter says something about her body in a negative manner, this is a great opportunity to talk to her.
I have been dealing with a compromised body image all of my life and it’s something I have to be aware of and constantly bring a positive light to. “Living without ED” isn’t just about eating disorders and it might give you some insight into your own voice inside your head. Anything we can do to bring awareness into our lives to help our teenage girls develop self esteem is worth doing.
I would love to know your thoughts about your own struggles.
Keep Loving Yourself, Debra
April 3, 2012
How To Parent: Respond or React
"Listen to me, don't talk back, what's the matter with you? You're grounded" Who is this Father talking to? It appears that he is talking to his daughter, but his daughter is clearly not there. His daughter is so shut down that she is no longer able to hear what her father is saying.
I felt like my parents didn't see me, couldn't see me, because of their own wounds that they had not worked through. Now, I don't blame them, I know they did the best they could. All I am saying is that because they were unable to do their inner work, they were not able to show up for me.
When I first started working with teenagers, I noticed that for them to really shift their behaviors, I had to shift the parents behaviors too. If you as a parent are only reacting to your teen and not responding, your teen will never open up to you and allow your guidance.
When we are in our own childhood wounds, we cannot be available for our teenagers, because we are looking to meet our own needs. We can only step into their reality if our wounded child has been taken care of. It is virtually impossible to be present for someone else if we are not taking care of our self.
If you get to know your childhood wounds and how they could show up for you, you will see how it is affecting you, and you're reacting to your teen through them.
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If your teen does something, lets say she stays out later than her curfew and immediately you go into panic mode, and slip into your fears. She comes home and you start in right away with "Where were you, what were you doing, your thirty minutes past your curfew, your grounded". Geez, she didn't even have a moment to tell her mother what happened. So the daughter gets upset and starts yelling and it goes back and forth and ends with the mother saying you're grounded and walking out. Total Reaction!
The mother was clearly triggered by her daughter coming in late because she has an unresolved childhood wound, maybe her own mother not respecting her and not following through on things she said she would do. If this is the case, she would react to her teen instead of respond.
If the mother would have responded instead of reacted, this is what it might have looked like. Mother says "Are you okay, I noticed you are thirty minutes late?" "Yes, Mom I am okay." "Jeannie saw Mr. Walker her English teacher at the concert and they were talking, and couldn't ." "I totally understand that things like this happen and what I would like you to do in the future is call me and see if it's okay if you stay out later. This is our agreement and for your father and I to continue to trust you, you have to make sure your actions are trustworthy".
This is your opportunity to explain integrity, and trust and its importance. If we react, the learning is missed because they are thinking about how unreasonable you are instead of learning a deeper level of integrity. Reacting has no purpose and only does damage. We have to learn to move through our own woundedness so we can show up for our teenagers with compassion and clarity. It's hard to respond to our teens if we are in reaction mode. So, it's time to do your work around your childhood wounds and do some healing, so you can start showing up for your teen in a whole new way.
Lets me know if you have a situation that you have dealt with regarding responding or reacting and what you did. It's a tough journey to be working on your childhood wounds and still be showing up for your teens. Remember, I mentor both teenagers and parents.
Keep Loving Yourself, Debra
March 29, 2012
The Prom and Teenage Girls
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The Prom is right around the corner and the anxiety is building. Teenage girls are out buying new dresses, the perfect shoes, having their hair done, and their make-up. Don't forget your nails! What about having enough money.
Are you forgetting something, "OH, a date". It's seems so stressful. Thank goodness it's a bit different now than when I was a teenager. You actually don't even need a date to go. I love that, even though most girls would probably admit they would prefer having one.
This is when having teenage girls self-esteem and confidence comes in handy.
Here are some tips to lowering stress during Prom season.
Shop early for a dress and shoes.
If you can't afford a dress, borrow one.
Get together with your friends and get ready and help each other with make-up, hair and nails, it cuts costs.
Let go of the idea of having to go to the Prom with the perfect guy, it's okay to go with a guy friend.
If you don't get invited, gather up your friends and make it a party.
Go to the Prom and enjoy yourself.
Just remember not to take it to seriously, and just have fun.
Keep Loving Yourself, and developing your self-esteem, Debra
March 22, 2012
Listening To Your Intuition Builds Self Esteem
My Feet Aren't Ugly
"Your intuition is that little voice inside your head that always lets you know what to do. Women are very special; our intuition is precise. Try not to be influenced by what other people think or say. Learn to listen and to trust your intuition instead. If you're listening to yourself, you'll never steer yourself wrong."
When you are a teen on your journey to becoming an adult, you will be learning to make good decisions for your self, it's a part of maturing. Instead of just acting like nothing has consequences, we know better. We know that everything, all of our actions, have an outcome…good or bad. Every decision we make, we get to see how that decision effects our life. This is why it's very important to check in with yourself about how you are feeling when a decision needs to be made in your life.
I was mentoring a teenage girl and she was telling me a story about a time her and a friend met these guys and she got a weird feeling in her stomach. They continued to hang with them for a while and then the guys asked them if they wanted to go to their house and hang out. That feeling in her stomach got worse and so she said no to them. The guys started saying really nasty things to them and actually pushed one of the girls. They turned out to be not good guys at all and it was a good thing they didn't go with them.
As a teen you are always going to have opportunities to make either good or bad decisions for yourself. It's so important to listen to that voice, our intuition that tells us when we might be entering into a risky situation. I just had a mentoring appointment with a 14-year-old and she had hitchhiked, and when we talked about it, she said he didn't look creepy. Looks might be deceiving, just because someone doesn't look creepy, doesn't mean their not creepy. This is where experience comes in, and as a teenager you haven't had the experiences in your life yet. So, it's extra important to check in with your self about how your feeling and look at the risks involved in the actions you may be taking.
If something bad happens to you because of a bad decision you have made, it is going to effect your self esteem. You may beat your self up mentally because of a bad decision you have made. The goal here is to build our self esteem, and make decisions that empower us, not strip us of our self confidence. So, keep listening to that little voice inside of yourself and building your sense of self.
Keep Loving Yourself,
Debra
Click Here to BUY My Feet Aren't Ugly
©2007-2011 Debra Beck, EmpoweredTeensandParents.com
Want to use this article in your Blog, Newsletter or website?
You can as long as you include this complete statement:
Teen and parenting mentor Debra Beck, who has spent over 20 years working with teens and parents, is a devoted mother, sought-after presenter, and author. She has helped thousands of girls develop their self esteem. She now runs her popular parenting website, EmpoweredTeensandParents.com, publishes the "Empowered Teens and Parents" newsletter, encourages girls to be the best "young women" possible, and gives moms and dads the understanding they need to help their girls mature with pride and confidence. Debra has helped thousands of teenage girls with their self-esteem. Her award-winning book "My Feet Aren't Ugly: A Girl's Guide to Loving Herself from the Inside Out", has been revised and updated for re-release in September 2011 with Beaufort Books.
March 9, 2012
Teenage Acne Affecting Self Esteem
My Feet Aren't Ugly
"One thing that I always found was so important was taking care of my skin. Make sure you wash, tone and moisturize your face twice every day. During this time in your life-eleven to sixteen-pimples can be a real nuisance."
During your teenage years hormones can play a big part in your complexion, but so can not taking care of your skin with a daily cleansing program. At least if you are cleansing your face and keeping it clean, pimples or acne might not be a bad.
Skin problems can affect our self esteem if we let it. Keep in mind that your not the only teen with skin problems and it will pass. Try not to let it affect your confidence. You're still the same powerful girl you were before you got those pimples or acne. No matter what your skin looks like, remember to always love yourself exactly the way you are.
A good regiment for your skin is to find a pure skin care without perfumes and totally natural. Perfumes can irritate your skin and make things worse. All you need is a good cleanser, toner with a little moisturizer. Keep it simple and make sure you don't pick at your pimples, they can scar. Do the best you can with keeping your skin clean and realizing that this is just a time in your life when your complexion is being effected by hormones. If you have difficult acne, cleansing is good but you may need to see a doctor for a more complete program.
Keep Loving Yourself,
Debra
Click Here to BUY My Feet Aren't Ugly
©2007-2011 Debra Beck, EmpoweredTeensandParents.com
Want to use this article in your Blog, Newsletter or website?
You can as long as you include this complete statement:
Teen and parenting mentor Debra Beck, who has spent over 20 years working with teens and parents, is a devoted mother, sought-after presenter, and author. She has helped thousands of girls develop their self esteem. She now runs her popular parenting website, EmpoweredTeensandParents.com, publishes the "Empowered Teens and Parents" newsletter, encourages girls to be the best "young women" possible, and gives moms and dads the understanding they need to help their girls mature with pride and confidence. Her award-winning book "My Feet Aren't Ugly: A Girl's Guide to Loving Herself from the Inside Out", has been revised and updated for re-release in September 2011 with Beaufort Books.
February 27, 2012
When Self Esteem Takes A Beating-Teen Suicide
My Feet Aren't Ugly
"One of the biggest reasons for teen suicide is depression. Suicide usually occurs when someone is seriously upset or depressed. Teens contemplating suicide don't see any way out of problems, and they don't know how to talk to anyone about what is going on with them."
I have known a few adult that have had depression and what I have seen is that it is very debilitating. Most adults have a hard time pushing through depression with all of the tools they have developed over the years. Imagine being a teen, with few tools to deal with such a tough situation.
I have mentored many teens that have come to me depressed because of a certain situation at school or with a friend. If they can be given the platform to move through these issues as they come up, things don't seem to pile up on them. I have notice that the teens that are most depressed are dealing with compiled issues they simple don't have the tools to move through. As a parent is important to be able to spot when your teen is off. If they won't talk to you about it, go to a counselor or find a mentor. Don't let your teen stew in there angst, it's too much for them.
When a teen can be given the tools to move through issues quickly, it empowers them, it helps with their self esteem. When they stay in that depressed state too long it lowers their sense of self. Depression is serious, help your teen move through it with grace.
Keep Loving Yourself,
Debra
Click Here to BUY My Feet Aren't Ugly
©2007-2011 Debra Beck, EmpoweredTeensandParents.com
Want to use this article in your Blog, Newsletter or website?
You can as long as you include this complete statement:
Teen and parenting mentor Debra Beck, who has spent over 20 years working with teens and parents, is a devoted mother, sought-after presenter, and author. She has helped thousands of girls develop their self esteem. She now runs her popular parenting website, EmpoweredTeensandParents.com, publishes the "Empowered Teens and Parents" newsletter, encourages girls to be the best "young women" possible, and gives moms and dads the understanding they need to help their girls mature with pride and confidence. Debra has helped thousands of teenage girls with their self-esteem. Her award-winning book "My Feet Aren't Ugly: A Girl's Guide to Loving Herself from the Inside Out", has been revised and updated for re-release in September 2011 with Beaufort Books.
February 15, 2012
Stress Reduction For Teenagers
My Feet Aren't Ugly
"Stress can do quite a bit of harm to your body and your emotional health. Work on keeping your stress levels low. One way of keeping your stress levels down is by taking care of business. Don't let things pile up."
I was Mentoring a 14-year-old the other day and the main topic was the stress she had last year, due to her bad grades. When we got to the root of the problem, it was because she would leave her homework to the last minute and then the anxiety was so bad at that point, that she couldn't even complete her homework. She had a lot of incomplete assignments, therefore her grades suffered.
The pressure of school is bad enough without compounding it by letting your homework pile up. My suggestion is to commit to coming home after school, grabbing a bite to eat, and then putting in at least 1 hour everyday. Complete your priorities first, and if you don't have any homework, great go hang out with friends. If you do have homework, no matter how little, do it before you hang out with friends. If you wait until 9:00 at night, you're more likely to blow it off.
Once you get into this rhythm, it will make your life so much easier and stress free. Having constant stress affects us in our entire life. Here are some of the effects of constant stress:
Our mood is crappy (we start snapping at the people in our lives)
We could get headaches
We might not sleep well
We could get stomachaches
It could affect our grades
It effects our health and well-being. The effects don't sound so good, do they? I agree. I would much rather be on top of my homework and get decent grades and have fun with my friends because I don't have anything unfinished hanging over my head. Keep looking at this and try it for a couple of weeks and let me know how it is going for you.
Keep Loving Yourself,
Debra
Click here to buy My Feet Aren't Ugly
©2007-2011 Debra Beck, EmpoweredTeensandParents.com
Want to use this article in your Blog, Newsletter or website?
You can as long as you include this complete statement:
Teen and parenting mentor Debra Beck, who has spent over 20 years working with teens and parents, is a devoted mother, sought-after presenter, and author. She has helped thousands of girls develop their self esteem. She now runs her popular parenting website, EmpoweredTeensandParents.com, publishes the "Empowered Teens and Parents" newsletter, encourages girls to be the best "young women" possible, and gives moms and dads the understanding they need to help their girls mature with pride and confidence. Debra has helped thousands of teenage girls with their self-esteem. Her award-winning book "My Feet Aren't Ugly: A Girl's Guide to Loving Herself from the Inside Out", has been revised and updated for re-release in September 2011 with Beaufort Books.
February 6, 2012
How Do You Treat People? A Indication of Self Esteem
My Feet Aren't Ugly
"Every time you make fun of someone or talk behind theirs backs, you act like you're better than they are. It leaves you feeling bad because you know deep down that you are not better than they are."
When we talk behind a person's back, or do anything else to them that isn't nice, it makes us feel worse inside then you make them feel. You might not even notice it, but it's there. It's not possible to be mean to others and have it not affect us negatively.
When you go against your true self, you feel bad about yourself. If you feel bad about yourself, your self esteem takes a beating. If you got into a physical fight and got your body beat up, how would you feel physically? I'm guessing pretty bad. Well, when you do things that affect your sense of self, negatively, your inside takes a beating.
So start paying attention to how you treat people, and know that when you make someone else feel bad, you're doing the same damage to yourself.
Keep Loving Yourself,
Debra
Click here to buy My Feet Aren't Ugly
©2007-2011 Debra Beck, EmpoweredTeensandParents.com
Want to use this article in your Blog, Newsletter or website?
You can as long as you include this complete statement:
Teen and parenting mentor Debra Beck, who has spent over 20 years working with teens and parents, is a devoted mother, sought-after presenter, and author. She has helped thousands of girls develop their self esteem. She now runs her popular parenting website, EmpoweredTeensandParents.com, publishes the "Empowered Teens and Parents" newsletter, encourages girls to be the best "young women" possible, and gives moms and dads the understanding they need to help their girls mature with pride and confidence. Debra has helped thousands of teenage girls with their self-esteem. Her award-winning book "My Feet Aren't Ugly: A Girl's Guide to Loving Herself from the Inside Out", has been revised and updated for re-release in September 2011 with Beaufort Books.
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