Jyvur Entropy's Blog, page 30

A Cozy Mystery with a Secret Society: Review of ‘Where There’s Smoke’ by Kirsten Fullmer

This cozy mystery is book two in Fullmer’s Sugar Mountain series.

There was a lot to like about this book. The characters are quirky. Definitely not realistic or grounded, but as I’ve often said, the cozy genres don’t need to be super grounded. On the grounded to cartoonish spectrum, this book definitely leaned hard towards the cartoonish end of the spectrum, from characters dressing up for secret missions in disguise to a corrupt mayor who (we are told) dresses like a cross between a hipster and Colonel Sanders. It’s….a bit much…But since it’s the cozy mystery genre and the book was so entertaining to read, I was willing to suspend my disbelief and go with it.

The book has plenty of comical situations and characters. It was funny and I really enjoyed the process of reading it. One thing I’ll say is that I was never bored at any point during this book.

However, there were a number of things that didn’t quite work for me with this book.

There wasn’t a LOT of feminist agenda in this book, but….the one really glaring example is a lot. I’m an antifeminist, but I cut the books I read a lot of slack. I expect some amount of feminist narrative in basically everything I read and if it isn’t too obnoxious, I’ll let it go.

The reason I’m stuck on this example is because it is a particularly egregious example of equity feminism. So there are no female firefighters. Women probably do not want to be firefighters. It’s like women in stem. Most women don’t want to work in the stem fields. The small number of women who do are actually given an advantage over male applicants, even those who are much more highly qualified.

Look, it is okay that women aren’t interested in the same jobs as men. What isn’t okay is looking at a lack of women in any particular field and crying sexism. Is it the men’s fault that women don’t want to do a risky job that requires DAYS away from home? These poor dudes risk their lives for the women in the town….and then the women in the town who get to sit cushy in their beds while these men fight fires want to scream “SEXISM! REEEE!” But did any of the ladies from the historical society want to be firefighters? It didn’t seem like it.

So they don’t want to be firefighters, yet want to cry sexism over other hypothetical women who might want to be firefighters?

Furthermore, there is a reason why men might be more qualified to be firefighters. Pushing women into a job they have no natural inclination towards can not have great results generally speaking, but here it could lead to people dying.

Are feminists okay with people dying for a talking point?

To be completely honest, I believe that they are.

Alright, that’s the end of my rant on that front.

On to my next pet peeve: sooo much telling.

There are many examples of the author telling the readers, when she could have used action or dialogue instead In fact, there are a number of times when she uses action but STILL comes right out and states the obvious to the readers.

It’s really never a good idea to come right out and TELL the audience how a character feels and this book does it constantly. I mean, the women shook their heads after being asked “Hey, anybody know about this?” Do the readers really need to be told that when they shake their heads they are saying they don’t? It’s a little condescending, frankly.

Lastly, Sarah and Hugh both annoyed the absolute crud out of me.

Sarah’s whole thing is “Oh, I’m pretty! Poor me! How hard it is to be pretty! Nobody thinks I have any brains because I’m pretty!”

Yet, we never see any other characters treat her like she’s a moron. Everybody treats her fine. They just compliment her looks, and Sarah is over here climbing up on the cross over it. And some of her internal dialogue borders on misogynistic. This is another great example of why I’m not a feminist. Feminists have this whole list of talking points about female empowerment (ie female firefighters) but when it comes down to it, they’re usually the most insulting people when it comes to women. Sarah talks about how she has to wear conservative clothes and downplay her looks, so that people know she is worth something. This is a really gross idea. And it would be one thing if any other characters actually did treat Sarah as less than for being pretty. But none of them do. This conflict exists only in Sarah’s head. She puts this vile idea out there that if a woman is pretty or cares about her appearance, she is less intelligent, serious, and worthwhile. It’s about the most r/notliketheothergirls nonsense I’ve seen outside of meme form.

She also uses the phrase “easy conquest” in thinking about her date with Hugh.

So we’ve got some nice shaming of women who do enjoy sex.

Nice /s

And just…the use of the word “conquest.” *Shivers* Really squiks me out. so men are invading warriors and women are villages to be plundered? Women are passive and men are active? Thought we were leaning into the feminism here? (Again, the hypocrisy and gross attitudes towards women is why I’m not a feminist).

What if she was horny and let him put him in? What would be wrong with that? (And why do I feel like I’m back on r/mgtow arguing with men about locks and keys again?)

Then there was Hugh. I think he was supposed to come across as charming…..I really didn’t see it. He came across like an entitled creep to me. On date one, he tells Sarah that he is interested in her but that she has to be patient with him, because his work is so busy. He doesn’t even wait for her to reply that she’s interested in him too, before launching into a weirdly serious relationship discussion, when it is their FIRST DATE, and a casual cup of coffee at that. Like…what? Dude, back it up.

Oh and this gem:

This is a ridiculously creepy image. He’s just leering at her on her porch? And ‘her scent’? Just feels like a phrase that should be uttered somewhere after “Hello, Clarice.” No non-cannibal man is using the phrase her scent on someone’s porch. You have to actively be mid-coitus to stand a chance of uttering that phrase without setting off my serial killer vibes.

Okay, all that ranting aside, the women of the historical society were very cute and the plot itself was very entertaining. It was fun and quick read. It wasn’t quite for me, but I didn’t hate it.

3 of these guys

If you like your cozy mysteries on the goofier side and you’re craving some genre-blending (cozy mystery with a dash of cozy romance) this might be the book for you. The mystery itself was captivating. I couldn’t wait to find out what was going on with the fire department funding. Was it the mayor? Was the fire chief in on it? All in all, despite my criticisms, reading the book was a fun experience.

I read book two, but there are four books in the Sugar Mountain series altogether.

Where There’s Smoke 

Sugar Mountain Book 2 

A picturesque mountain town, sparks of romance, a threatening mystery, and a secret society of devious women…

“Wonderful characters, a real mix of women with varied strength and foibles” -Goodreads review 5 stars

“I loved the first book in the Sugar Mountain series so I was excited to read the second installment and get back to investigating with the Sugar Mountain Ladies Historical Society” – Goodreads review 5 stars

The cozy community of Sugar Mountain, NC harbors a secret society of women. The society itself is not secret—it’s the actual mission of the group that is devious.

Sugar Mountain is a sleepy town bursting with tourists. If you like quirky shops and original artwork, you’ll want to visit. But the local kindergarten teacher, Sarah, has a mystery on her hands. All she did was try to help the fire department and now she’s receiving threatening notes. Of course, she takes the frightening messages to her friends in the Sugar Mountain Ladies Historical Society, but even their investigative skills fall short. How will they be able to find the person intent on holding back the fire department and frightening Sarah?

Hugh Brockman, the second in command at the firehouse, is taking extra shifts to cope with the shortage of firefighters. When he visits Sarah’s classroom to talk to her students about fire safety, he gets caught up with the lovely teacher and her cryptic mystery. He’s not happy that someone in town is threatening her with bodily harm, and he intends to find out who it is.

With every lead shot down and tensions running high, it’s up to the ladies of the society to go undercover in their own town to flush out the culprit. If they’re not successful, the fire department will continue to be undermanned, leaving Sugar Mountain is in danger and Sarah in peril.

Join in the continuing antics of the Sugar Mountain Ladies Historical Society and fall in love along with Hugh and Sarah in this heartfelt and comical romantic mystery. 

**Only .99 cents!!** 

Goodreads * Amazon  

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/53354670-where-there-s-smoke

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B088LT6Z21

Shadows in the Salon

Sugar Mountain Book 3 

“I loved this book! It’s the third book in a series in a little town where the characters are funny, smart, amazing, and unique!”- 5 star review

“One of my new favorites!”- 5 star review

A spooky mystery, a promising romance, and a secret society of scheming women…

The cozy town of Sugar Mountain, NC harbors a secret society of women. The society itself is not secret—it’s the devious work of the group that is mysterious.

Michelle owns the Salon, Shear Genius, on Sugar Mountain Main Street, a favorite with the tourists and locals alike. Lately she’s dealing with mysterious problems. She’s being plagued by spooky and unexplained goings-on. Is it a sign from beyond that she should rethink her life choices?

Matt Hopkins moved to Sugar Mountain after losing his business, but thanks to the lovely and talented Michelle, he is now building an amphitheater in town. It looks like things are finally going his way until Michelle is threatened by an eerie aggressor and the Mayor’s involvement spells trouble for his project. Will Matt be able to complete the Amphitheater and help Michelle, or will things with her fall apart as well?

Facing puzzling complications at every turn, The Sugar Mountain Ladies Historical Society go undercover to figure out who is threatening Michelle and the new amphitheater. If they’re not careful, the society may fall apart and Michelle and Matt might end a promising romance. Come along for the ride on this zany, enchanting, romantic cozy mystery! 

**Only .99 cents!!** 

Goodreads * Amazon  

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/54733499-shadows-in-the-salon

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08F2XJ8ZW

Trouble on Main Street 

Sugar Mountain Book 1 

A cozy mountain town, a sweet romance, and a secret society of sneaky women…

The sleepy hamlet of Sugar Mountain harbors a secret society of women. Don’t misunderstand—the society itself is not secret—it’s the true nature of the group that is hush-hush.

Sugar Mountain is the kind of charming village that tourists adore. If you like small-town charm, quirky shops, and local art, this is the place for you. But when a blood smeared package shows up at the post office and it appears to be linked to a scheme that threatens Heidi Collinsworth’s historic home, the town takes on a sinister vibe. Heidi would lay odds that slimy Mayor Winslow is involved, but even with the enquiring skills of The Sugar Mountain Ladies Historical Society at work, proof is scarce.

The new guy in town, Adam Williams, is determined not to get involved in Sugar Mountain’s business. His last job in a big city planning office ruined his life, but Heidi needs his help. No matter how hard he tries to stay detached, Adam finds himself eyeball deep in Heidi’s problems, as well as the needs of her teenage son and a homeless dog.

With conflicting theories abound and tensions running high, it’s up to the ladies of the society to don disguises and go undercover. If they’re not careful, the town may fall to a wrecking ball, Heidi may fall for Adam, and the secret society will be exposed.

Meet the cast of colorful characters in this charming and zany introduction to a whole new series of romantic, cozy mysteries! 

**Only .99 cents!!** 

Goodreads * Amazon  

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/52641918-trouble-on-main-street

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B086CDYMTP

Problems at the Pub 

Sugar Mountain Book 4 

by Kirsten Fullmer 

Genre: Cozy Mystery, Sweet Romance

It’s another charming and madcap mystery! The enchanting tourist town of Sugar Mountain, NC is rewriting its tax codes, and no one knows why. Mayor Winslow is up to no good, and he doesn’t seem to care what happens to the local business owners; at least that’s how it feels to Monique Brewer, the local tavern owner. She’s proud of making her own way in the world, and messing with her business is a sure way to get her riled.

Sounds like another job for The Sugar Mountain Ladies Historical Society! When Monique brings her concerns to the table, chaos erupts. The women don’t trust anyone, especially not the Mayor or his peculiar new assistant, Anthony Tidwell.

Will the group be able to come up with a solution to keep local businesses safe, or will the mayor finally get his way? Come along for the ride as the residents of Sugar Mountain learn they may be in for more trouble than anyone suspects. 

**Only .99 cents!!** 

Goodreads * Amazon  

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/55927483-problems-at-the-pub

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08NHMVJFR/

Series Trailer:

Kirsten is a writer with a love of art and design. She worked in the engineering field, taught college, and consulted free lance. Due to health problems, she retired in 2012 to travel with her husband. They live and work full time in a 40′ travel trailer with their little dog Bingo. Besides writing romance novels, she enjoys selling art on Etsy and spoiling their three grandchildren.

As a writer, Kirsten’s goal is to create strong female characters who face challenging, painful, and sometimes comical situations. She believes that the best way to deal with struggle, is through friendship and women helping women. She knows good stories are based on interesting and relatable characters. 

Website * Facebook * Twitter * Instagram * Bookbub * Amazon * Goodreads  

Author Links

Website: https://kirstenfullmer.com

Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/AuthorKFullmer

Twitter: https://twitter.com/AuthorKFullmer

Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/authorkirstenfullmer/

Bookbub: https://www.bookbub.com/authors/kirsten-fullmer

Amazon:  https://www.amazon.com/Kirsten-Fullmer/e/B00MCWSDIA/

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7922460.Kirsten_Fullmer

Giveaway

$50 Amazon 

Follow the tour HERE for special content and a giveaway!

https://www.silverdaggertours.com/sdsxx-tours/problems-at-the-pub-book-tour-and-giveaway

I’m Gonna Tell All the Creepy Men Something They Don’t Want To Hear

Here you go, gentlemen: unsolicited advice that none of you will listen to.

Men: I never get any matches! Online dating is a sausage fest! Why don’t women use online dating? Why don’t women reply to messages??

Also Men: Why are you complaining about men sending you messages saying they want to cum on your face? That’s an honor! That’s a privilege! How dare you not enjoy those messages! FEMALE PRIVILEGE!!!! REEEEE!

I know I’m about to have my antifeminism card revoked.

Whatever. Fucking take it.

I’ve always been all about saying how I really feel over adhering blindly to ideology. When the feminists are right, I’m going to admit they are right, and they are right that too many men don’t know how the fuck to act on the internet.

And when I’ve pointed this out to men, I either get, “Hmmmm….you sure that happens? I don’t think that happens” OR “There’s nothing wrong with men sending sexual messages without asking first.” One dude even did both in the same conversation. Flipped straight from implying I was lying to defending the behavior I was supposedly lying about having experienced.

Which is it, dude? That never happens or if it does happen it’s totally fine?

Gentlemen, I’m helping you out here. Let me explain.

Women don’t have to do online dating. Women can be socially-retarded, broke, ugly fucks and still get dudes IRL walking up and handing out dick. That’s just how it is. Be mad, but that’s how it is. Dudes IRL are not walking up to you and the first words out of their mouth are “You shave your pussy?” or “I like my asshole eaten. You eat ass?”

And I am not kidding. Those are both first messages I received from men. I have gotten messages like that on fucking facebook.

Since dudes don’t act like that IRL, why would women spend time with online dating?

Dear men of the internet, if you learn how the fuck to act right, you might not be swimming in a sea of other dicks.

If you didn’t act like such massive creeps, maybe women would find the online dating experience enjoyable.

“Just ignore the guys who send those messages!”

Obviously. But they hurt to receive. Men argue those messages shouldn’t hurt.

Women are not men. Would you rather that we were men? Cool, well there’s enough unfucked dicks in the world, go find one if you don’t appreciate that women are not men.

I am telling you. It hurts to be treated like a hole to fuck. It hurts to be reminded that men are more interested in sex than love. It hurts to be disrespected.

Men want to argue that those feelings are invalid. I have to reitirate again: Women are not men.

If you do not have romantic or sexual success with women and you also spend your time arguing that women should be more like men and you do not putting any effort into understanding women, well…..you see the correlation, right?

And hey, maybe you guys just really don’t know this.

That’s why I’m explaining it.

Crass sexual messages right out the gate are hurtful. They make many women uncomfortable. If you do not care about the comfort of women and you also have no success with women, well….

And yeah, we all know hot guys can get away with treating women like trash. I know. Women are demented in their own way too. I’m not saying men are awful and women are perfect. Men and women are fucked up in different ways. Men spam dick pics and women masturbate to school shooters. Both genders don’t know how the fuck to act and I spend my life calling out demented shit women do. It’s the opposite of ladies night; something for the gentlemen for once, over here on the Book Jam!

But you want to be mad or you want to have some success? (I’m starting to realize with a lot of guys, the answer is the former. Some guys want to act like creeps, so that women can reject them, so that they can then build a personality around being the poor sad sack that women reject).

And listen, I’m still sympathetic to guys who struggle. But my book ‘Incel’ is gone for a reason. I had a lot of blinders up and excused a lot of bad behavior, because I let my empathy (and a few other emotions) run away with me. I’m now less the-world-is-against-them sympathetic and more well-they-sabatoge-themselves-but-don’t-kick-them-while-they’re-down sympathetic. I still don’t think people should act like they’re terrorists or bad people. I still think they deserve empathy and that their lives are probably hard. But also, for so much of the time that I was invested in that research, I found myself pushing aside my concerns from a female perspective, because I kept thinking the world was against them and everything was so hard for them. It bothers me that I poured out all of this energy trying to understand these guys and then a lot of them think acting creepy on dating sites is just….fine.

Sooo….how should you get dirty talk going with women on the internet?

It goes casual conversation, banter, flirting, and then ease slowly into explicit talk. Those are the steps. And with every step, you check her responses to see if she is engaged and comfortable. When in doubt, pull back.

You do not pop up in someone’s DMs, when you don’t fucking know them at all, and start talking about your genitals, my genitals, anybody’s genitals. Fuck, dude. Be polite.

And if you really want to die on this hill. Well, go ahead and die.

I just told y’all why women don’t like online dating.

But keep creeping it up and getting one match every six months.

It gives you something to complain about, right?

WWW Weds: Lots of Fantasy and Indie Author Love

This weekly meme is a chance for all of us book bloggers to check in and see what everybody’s reading. It’s hosted by Sam at Taking on a World of Words.

The 3 W’s are…

What Are You Currently Reading?

What Did You Recently Finish Reading?

What Do You Think You Will Read Next?

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.comWhat Are You Currently Reading?

Well, technically haven’t started reading it yet, but about to get cracking on it in the next hour. I’m gonna have to speedread this thing; my review is due Friday!

I signed up through Silver Dagger to review Book Two in the Sugar Mountain series by Kirsten Fullmer. I’m behind on arcs right now! I’ve got to rush to catch up! And I’ve got more arcs coming my way. Gah! But hey, at least it keeps me out of trouble.

I’ve also just started this arc by a blogger friend and will be pushing to get through it within the next week! I’ve got a TBR to catch up on

Lastly, I’m back to trying to tackle the second Wheel of Time book, only this time I’m trying it on audiobook. I still want to read the entire WOT series!

What Did You Recently Finish Reading?

I bought this audiobook through audible. WAAYYY too much money for 30 minutes of entertainment. I do not understand Audible’s pricing system at all. I had a friend tell me that every book costs one credit regardless of book length. But this short erotica was only 30 minutes and The Great Hunt is 30 HOURS and they both cost the same. When I went to listen to this erotica, I had already used my Audible credit for the month, so I had to buy an extra one. $14…..14-whole-ass-dollars for 30 minutes of entertainment. What did I do this for? Why would I willfully hand my money over in what is clearly a rip-off?

I had this whole idea for content. I was going to compare role reverse romance to femdom erotica and do a cross-analysis of the different tropes. That didn’t work out though. There just isn’t enough material in the former and the latter would cost me a fortune in Audible fees.

Anyway, this book was…meh?

Kind of gross if I’m being totally honest. I couldn’t bring myself to recount some of the more graphic stuff in the story if I wanted to. Turned my stomach a bit. And of course it was full of all the same cringe one normally finds in femdom erotica: “Yes, ma’am” “Little Blake.” The whole thing made my half hour of doing dishes painfully uncomfortable and I’m definitely the stupid one for spending $14 on this thing.

I’m new to audible and not really loving it so far. For anyone who isn’t aware, there is a free alternative. Most city libraries use either Overdrive or Libby and you can download audiobooks for free through whichever version your city uses. The only downside-and the reason I ended up on Audible-is that there’s a much smaller selection, barely any access to indie titles, and if you’re looking for a specific book-you probably have to go on a waitlist and wait a few weeks. Rarely do I log into Overdrive and get to download exactly the book I’m looking for right away.

For me, Audible would make a lot more sense if I could just buy the audiobooks. I’m told there is an option to do that….but like….I could NOT figure that out. I really looked everywhere. I did, however, find the option to buy more credits. The credit system is a rip off and I’m very annoyed by it. How did I pay $14 for a piece of entertainment shorter than a youtuber expose video?

I could have been watching Jeffrey Star tea for free. Do the people who price Audible understand how many free entertainment options are out there?

One good thing I got out of this though: I’m now able to cross off one bingo square on the bingo challenge I created

What Do You Think You Will Read Next?

I’m very excited to read this Phantom of the Opera retelling, which is another arc I received through Silver Dagger. Phantom of the Opera is one of my absolute favorite musicals (not so much a fan of the book), so I’m fairly certain I’m going to love this book. I can’t wait to dig into this luscious dark mysterious romance It’s about time we got a retelling that isn’t Beauty and the Beast (how many times we reviving that corpse? Move on, ladies.)

And then I have this indie fantasy novel that I saw the author advertising on Wacky Writers (full disclosure-I’m a little soured on Wacky Writers after they turned down my request for an interview. Not that they turned me down itself-but the snotty, self-important way they did it. Ah well, I’m still gonna write about them. They’re just not gonna have the opportunity to shape the narrative at all.)

Anyhow, this book is GORGEOUS. I can hardly believe this is a self-published book.

If you like fantasy, think about sending some love this wattpadder/indie author’s way. Buy link on Barnes and Noble here.

That’s it for me! What are you reading this week?

It Makes Me Nervous to Talk about Mental Illness

Mostly because of my family and how they treated me when I was first diagnosed. My family is incredibly dysfunctional. There is a lot of physical and emotional abuse and it goes back generations. My grandfather was violent to my grandmother. My grandmother was violent to my mother. My mother and stepfather (before they split when I was 10) were violent towards me and my younger sisters. The physical attacks were nearly constant, but I’ll admit most of them weren’t serious. A handful of them were. Most were just “normal.” I guess what happened is normal. People like to play like it’s super evil for parents to put their hands on their kids, but in reality, nobody cares very much, and I think most of what happened to me and my sisters probably happens to everyone. Most of it was my mom dragging us around the house by our hair, throwing us into furniture, slapping, punching, and kicking. I think that’s the kind of normal stuff that shouldn’t happen, but probably happens in every family to some degree.

The handful of times that went over the line: the time my mom left me covered in welts and I couldn’t go to school the next day. The time my mom beat our dog with a chain in front of me and the animal kept screaming and I thought she was going to kill it. The time my mom threw her keys at my sister and cut her eye open. The time my mom burned my younger sister’s arm and her skin kept peeling off and I couldn’t make it stop and eventually she called an ambulance and we all had to lie. The time my mom picked my younger sister and threw her into a wall as hard as she could and broke the wall. The time my stepdad dragged me into the kitchen, took my head in both hands and slammed my skull into the kitchen floor until I was dizzy and there were dark lines zigging in and out of my vision and my head was bleeding.

The rest of the time was minor, not serious injuries. Rugburns on knees and elbows from being dragged over rough carpet. Fistfulls of hair pulled out, left in clumps across the stained linoleum. Bruises. Always bruises. I started to hate the adults who would feign concern and ask where I got them. I wanted to scream at them. You know. You absolute vile person, you know where I got them.

Worse than that was the constant feeling of shame. I felt like I deserved it. I would watch the disney channel and see how nice all the parents were and think I was doing something to make our family so horrible.

She always said she hit us and screamed and hated us because of me. Ugly little jackass. Piece of shit. Fucking retard. Moron.

There was always something I’d done wrong and I never knew how to make her happy. I never knew what would or wouldn’t set her off.

She played a lot of weird head games with me. She told me I was haunted and did all kinds of cleansing rituals. Don’t you feel that icky? There’s an icky attached to you.

“Icky” is her word for a malicious spirit. She’s into all that paranormal stuff. Wiccan. New Age. All the woo-woo shit; she loves it.

I had my first major meltdown when I was 14 and I was hospitalized because of it. I’d always felt like my house was full of screaming and anger and violence and tears because of me. I thought I did it. She made me think a demon was in the house because of me. She made me think she hurt me and my sisters because of me. And I carried around this horrible guilt for years. From the time I moved in with her at age 6 until I snapped at age 14, I thought “I’m responsible for all of this. I’m awful. If I can be better. If I can keep the house cleaner. If I can stop fighting with my sisters. If I can keep a better eye on Marie. If I never trip and break another ceramic (I can’t tell you how many beatings happened over her shitty ceramics-most of the worst ones-over a useless collection of dried clay that she eventually drove down to the dump). I thought because none of the adults who knew were doing anything-I thought that meant I deserved it. My mom watched the movie “Mommy, Dearest” and cried, and the woman in that movie doesn’t do anything nearly as violent as the stuff my mom did, and it messed me up a little to see that, but in the end, I thought, “Those were good kids. I’m not and I deserve this.” I didn’t think my sisters deserved it. I thought everything that happened to them was my fault too. I was the oldest and I was supposed to protect them and I couldn’t. And worse, everything that I did seemed to set her off.

At 14, in the snap of an instant, I completely lost that self-blame. I wasn’t sad and scared and hating myself anymore. I was PISSED and I hated HER.

I quickly developed really intense anger issues. Starting destroying the house on a regular basis and destroying all her shit, all my shit. It felt really good after years of walking on eggshells, feeling terror the times I’d broken ceramics, to just START SMASHING SHIT. And when she hit me, I hit her back. Fist fights between me and my mom became really common and because we were pretty evenly matched (she’s bigger-still is, but especially then- but she has asthma, so not nearly as scrappy).

Mental health professionals became involved in my life, because these anger issues spilled over to school. I threatened to fight everyone. I disrupted class. I bullied other girls. I started shit with teachers, students, neighbors, fuck I tried to start shit with the grown-ass man driving the ice cream truck when I was 15. I don’t remember why. Probably for nothing. I was angry all the time.

I hated the way mental health professionals treated me. They were horrible. They didn’t believe me when I told them what things were like in my home. They asked me why I was so angry and I told them exactly why.

“I hate her. She’s a bitch. She’s been nothing but awful to me and my sisters my whole life. I want her to have an asthma attack and die for making me spend my whole life afraid.”

And they treated it like nothing but the outbursts of a problem teenager.

She would act so reasonable in those meetings with doctors. They spoke to her in this tone of compassion like, ‘I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.’

And she started calling me crazy all the time. Telling people I had bipolar and boderline personality disorder.

And I mean, maybe I do.

Maybe I do. I’m not sure.

I’m diagnosed with both of those things, among many others.

But she hurled it at me like an insult. She told everybody she knew about her struggles being a single mother raising a troubled teen.

She’d come home and start launching into one of her moods, like she was gonna go off and start screaming at everybody, like she’d always done, my whole life, and this new fuck-flight-all-fight version of me would beat her to it, and I’d flip out and tell her to shut the fuck up, because if she was gonna go at somebody, it’d better be me and not my 8-year-old sister, because if she needed somebody to knock her the fuck out, I’d be that bitch.

She called the cops on me after one of these altercations. She was in my face, telling me to hit her, screaming and carrying on.

Then the cops came and she was so calm and reasonable.

I watched her, with her level voice and the sad way she looked down at her hands, acting so small for the police officers-a fucking performance artist-I watched her and I felt like ‘This is what evil is. This is evil. Making someone seem crazy, when you have mistreated them, it’s evil.’

I have a tendency to fixate and I have a lot of trouble letting things go. But I honestly think it’s because fixating really protected me in my final years of living with her. I had to hold onto my anger and fixate and think about everything she’d done. Because the times that I slipped and started to think ‘maybe she could love me; maybe we could have a real bond,’ she used it to hurt me. I’d think I was safe. That things between us were okay. We’d be cuddled in her bed watching horror movies. Out of nowhere she’d be berating me for the ‘demon I invited into our old house with my negative energy.’ I only stopped fixating on how much I hated her a few times and the times I did, it hurt so badly. It was like I’d lowered this shield and the second I did she rammed a knife into me.

I am no contact with my family. Well….minimal contact. Every couple of years, I exchange a handful of text messages with my mom. She always texts me on my birthday. Every couple of years, I respond. Some years I ignore her.

I still sometimes don’t feel like this was the right choice. A lot of the time, I do though. If I tell her anything about my life, she slips back into talking to me exactly like she did when I was a kid. Everything I do is wrong. Everything about me is wrong. So I try not to tell her anything when we talk. I give her a few lines of small talk. I let her tell me about her life. Then I fade out of the conversation before she has a chance to hurt me again. Because nobody can hurt me like she can.

What I’m still more angry about than anything else is how she treated me like I was crazy, when I was only doing the best I could to protect myself and my sisters from her.

The way she dismissed every emotion I ever had. The way she acted like my anger at her was blown out of proportion, a symptom of an illness. The way she USED it to dodge accountability. I hate her for it. I hate her for it so much.

And it still makes me feel like I can’t admit to people I have mental health issues, because if do then nothing I’m ever upset about is valid. I have no valid feelings. I have no right to ever be upset. I can never react when people mistreat me. I can never honestly express myself.

Doctors were just as dismissive towards me. It always seemed like people were angry at me for my emotional struggles.

I’m a lot better now that I don’t have a relationship with my family. I don’t have anger issues. It took several years of being separated from my family to work through those. I had to do a lot of reminding myself: you’re not under attack, you live in a society, nobody is going to hit you, you can walk away from anyone and any situation that makes you upset or uncomfortable. You are not trapped. There’s no reason to be angry.

I have other issues though. I never get over anything. I fixate. I obsess. I can’t get the fuck over everything that happened to me as a kid, even though I know it’s pathetic and gross to be so oh-poor-me-sad-childhood-boohoo. I just don’t know what else to do with all the thoughts and feelings that I can’t get out of my head. I get weird ideas sometimes. I suffer from mild delusions. I guess I’d call them mild because they’ve never really interfered with my ability to function and people usually can’t tell I have them irl.

And it’s like….if I admit all of that, then does that mean my feelings don’t matter and people can treat me any kind of way?

If my behavior is a little erratic and I’m a tad too demonstrative for polite society and my emotions are more intense than the situation calls for-does that mean everything I say and do can be dismissed as “crazy”?

It’s so hurtful and so awful, but there are really terrible people in the world who will do this. They’ll use the fact that you have mental illness to dodge accountability when they mistreat you. Just like my mom did.

Sometimes I feel like I’m getting close to figuring out how to get past all of that stuff, all those years ago, in a tiny gray house in New Jersey. Violence that might as well have never happened, because nobody is sorry and it doesn’t mean anything. It just happened and it’s still alive in my head and that’s a me problem and it doesn’t mean anything. Nothing means anything. People can do horrible things and it doesn’t mean anything. Still sometimes I feel like, ‘I could get past this. I could let it go for good.’

Except that the world is full of people like my mom and the more angry I am, the more of a shield I have to protect myself from them. I can’t forget that people are evil. People will mistreat you and when you react, they’ll call you ‘crazy.’

The best thing to do is remember how awful that feels, how small and gross it makes you feel, so that you never ever become attached to people. Enjoy people on a very surface level. Never really care about them. Never trust them. Always know that deep down, people want to dismiss you and make you feel small. People just want to laugh at you.

That’s why I feel nervous talking about my mental illness. Because people will use it as an excuse to dismiss your feelings, laugh at you, mistreat you, and make you feel small.

“She’s being crazy.”

Never “I did X when she asked me not to and now she’s upset and I feel bad.”

People don’t feel bad. People are mostly evil.

Being alive feels so lonely sometimes, because even if lots of people are around you, we’re all really alone. I think all of us want to open up and be vulnerable and form real bonds, but I think most of us know we can’t. I think most people intuitively know that other people will hurt us if they can.

I’m not saying I’m any better either. That’s the loneliest part of all.

People are mostly bad and I am too. We can never really connect with each other when we all have to be so on-edge, worried that if we open our arms to other people, they’ll go straight for the guts. Knife always in hand.

Talking about mental illness is being vulnerable. Being vulnerable opens you up to being hurt. There are always people in the world ready to hurt you.

People can only hurt you if you care what they think. I cared what my mom thought of me. It hurt me that she didn’t love me. Every other time in my life that I have been hurt, it’s because I was silly enough to care what someone else thought.

I’ll continue trying so hard not to care what people think. I don’t want to be afraid of making a fool of myself. You run the risk of making a fool of yourself every time you create a heartfelt work of art.

Nothing in life means anything, but my silly human brain is placated by the guise of meaning when I write. I want to write the things I feel. I want to have artistic integrity. It feels like the closest I could ever come to living meaningfully.

So, I’ll keep on being an emotional exhibitionist. I don’t care what anyone thinks of it. It makes me nervous to talk about mental illness, but I’ll keep on doing it anyway.

Writing is the closest I’ll come to ever truly connecting with anyone. In the privacy of their heads, inside of skull prisons where people can be weak, I hope that people will feel connection to the words I write. I hope that I’ll move people. Maybe I won’t. It’s that hope that keeps me writing-the hope that it’s an ephemeral sort of connection. Something that isn’t possible out here in the physical world.

There Really is No Role Reverse Romance Subgenre :/

Photo by Avonne Stalling on Pexels.com

To clarify what I mean by role reverse: I mean, the woman does the pursuing and romancing. The woman is the protective and take-charge one. The man is the more passive one-the one who is the recipient of the advances/attention.

I’ve definitely seen literary agents on mswishlist.com SAY they’re looking for “badass girls and sensitive cinnamon roll boys” together in hetero romance novels. But like….how do I say this nicely….I think they’re virtue-signaling. I think trad-pub will continue to play feminist while publishing alpha-male punch-her-in-the-face-and-rape-her fantasies.

I don’t think women like me who prefer romance with a role reverse or gentle femdom bent are going to get what we’re looking for.

I highly doubt that us women subscribed to subreddits like r/strongGFandsmallBF are ever going to see a thriving subgenre that caters to our tastes.

I recently started a forum (*flexes muscles* I figured out discourse and everything) because I’m hoping to get more people excited about role reverse romance. But the longer I poke around the romance/erotica genres, the less hope I have for the possibility of a RR or GFD dedicated subgenre.

The best we get is stuff like this:

Where it’s basically like, the bdsm is the whole point of it. And it’s not a romance, it’s an erotica. And it’s brutal, full of humiliation and pain play.

I’m not opposed to people enjoying bdsm at all. But brutal/intense stuff is really not my jam. I can’t really get into a story where one character is being rude/dismissive to the other person, even if it’s for sexual gratification. It just doesn’t do it for me.

What I usually gravitate towards are the old school bodice rippers in the traditional romance genre. Which I CAN enjoy those. I can definitely get into a mindset to enjoy a book where the male is the take-charge one and the woman gets to be saved/protected/taken care of/romanced. Like that has its appeal too and I’m not saying it doesn’t. Thing is….like I would never actually want to fall in love with one of those alpha male warrior dudes (historical is my subgenre of choice if you couldn’t tell). I only ever dated one very extroverted guy. It was my senior year of high school.

Prior to him, I’d never dated an extroverted guy. I’d dated a combination of geeky anime/video game guys and alternative hot topic guys. All of them were socially-awkward outsiders and none of them were extroverted. Not that all the guys I’d dated prior to this were super shy. A few were. Most were somewhere in the middle of the shy-outgoing spectrum, had a small group of friends, and were on the quieter side.

Without getting into too much of my family drama (y’all know I will have another emotional exhibitionist moment eventually and lay it all out there) I was removed from my mom’s house and placed with relatives several times in my teen years. It really does take the most extreme child abuse cases for kids to be removed permanently and as much as I can’t ever shut up about my childhood and love to be the victim (I’m working on it, promise), my house wasn’t one of the more extreme cases and I know that. At the very start of my senior year, I moved across the state to live with relatives. It was after months of violence and a couple of emotional breakdowns at school. I was really an emotional wreck.

My very first day at school, this swaggering six foot something guy with dimples marches up to me and lays it on thick. I was….stunned. First of all, it was day one at this school. This guy asked me out on a date for that afternoon. I’d never had a guy come at me so assertive. I was way more used to guys with piercings and sharpie on their nails sidling up to me and asking what I thought of Linkin Park. Maybe they’d add me on MySpace and practice flirting in the DMs or make their move on AIM. Teenage boys don’t usually have the confidence to just walk up and ask a girl out. A girl brand new at school. It was weird. And flattering. And I mean, I had eyeballs. I could see the guy was clearly a lot more conventionally attractive than me. So what was this six foot something, broad-shouldered, muscular, dimpled guy doing hitting on my flat-chested cystic acne covered ass? I’ve never really been into conventionally-attractive dudes. I’ve been attracted to fat guys since I hit puberty. But I was at this awful emotional low point and in a brand new house and at a brand new school and the fact that this guy was into me was a self-esteem boost.

It didn’t take long for me to figure out why he was forced to date down in the looks department. This guy turned out to be the most socially-retarded fuck I’ve ever met in my life. This was in rural NH. VERY rural NH. There were somewhere between 30 and 40 kids in my graduating class. I lived on a dirt road with the nearest neighbor miles away. The drive to school was almost 20 minutes and we shared the high school with another larger (but still small) town. I’m trying to paint the picture for you. Let me continue. My house was about three-quarters of the way up a literal mountain. There was a cliff twenty yards from the backdoor. A cow got loose on main street on day and it made the town’s paper. Everybody was talking about it. If we went outside at night, we had to turn the floodlights on first to scare off any black bears, which we often got traipsing through the field outside. Okay, scene set? This guy was raised off the grid. That probably sounds unbelievable if you’ve never lived in an area this rural. In this part of NH, it actually wasn’t that uncommon. I met four different people who lived out in shacks, without running water or electricity, and had no social security number or birth certificate. This guy was born ON the grid. Then his mom went a little off the deep end and moved him and his brother out to the woods, where he had no contact with modern civilization, no television, no nothing except the Bible and his strange mother. At 17, he tracked down his dad and moved into his dad’s one-bedroom apartment with him. And he enrolled at the local high school. so this guy had been at the high school about six months longer than me. But six months had been long enough for him to earn a reputation. From what I heard, the first few months he attended the school he made a bunch of jokes about fucking a cat. It weirded everybody out, but he kept doing it and taking the joke increasingly far. Like I’d love to explain further, but over a decade later and I still have second-hand embarrassment for the guy. People laughed at him (or in general discomfort) and he thought they were laughing with him and kept the joke going. He also had this awful tendency to make a LOT of pop culture references, like he was trying to prove to people that he wasn’t a weirdo who grew up off the grid in the woods. He was obsessed with the 2006 internet, but the very weirdest corners of it. He talked about stuff like bestiality porn and all kinds of strange things he’d found online. It didn’t matter the guy was a buff Ken doll from years of building shit outdoors; nobody liked him. I mean…people invited him to things…which he then brought me to….at one party he decided he would show everybody how much he could lift, by picking me up like a barbell and benching me in front of everyone….It was awful. He would do anything for attention and it didn’t matter that it usually wasn’t good attention, that people were laughing at him; he either couldn’t tell the difference or didn’t care. He often used me as the punchline in his never-ending quest for attention and I’m honestly ashamed that I put up with it for so long. There were several times he talked me into trying sexual acts that were outside of my comfort zone, only to proudly relate all of it, in graphic detail, to guys who didn’t like or respect him anyway.

Eventually the relationship ended. It blew up horribly. And the whole experience really cemented one thing in my mind: I do not like extroverted men.

Maybe that’s unfair to judge all extroverted men by that guy. What can I tell you? I’m a bad judge of character and I’m also never doing that shit again.

It also solidified something I’d always had an inkling of: ugly girls shouldn’t date hot boys.

Ugly girls should date ugly boys.

He was the only very conventionally-attractive guy I dated. He was horrible. He dated a pretty stunning looking women after me though…..didn’t seem like he treated her that way.

Humans are horrible, but we shouldn’t all run around trying to be better than we are. Relationships are probably healthier when both people are about even in the looks department. I think when very physically attractive people date unattractive people they feel like they can treat the unattractive person any kind of way.

Anyhow, all of that is to say, I’d prefer to read romance novels featuring men I could actually picture myself falling in love with. That’s the point of romance novels. And I could never picture myself falling in love with some tall, buff, extroverted alpha male. I’d find him unnerving and I’d be uncomfortable around him. I wouldn’t be at ease enough to form a bond with someone like that. So there’s a lot of mental gymnastics involved. I’m absolutely not as immersed in the story as I could be. Now a love story with a mellow, quiet but smart, average-looking to unconventionally-attractive guy? Now that I can become immersed in. Because that’s a male character I could actually picture myself with. I’m never myself or at ease around very loud or extroverted people, and that’s both romantically and platonically. Extroverted people make me uncomfortable. They are unpredictable. They speak too loudly. They make me nervous. And….I am an extroverted person…..I realize I make no sense. I’m always the loud talkative one in my group of friends, because both romantically and platonically I gravitate to quiet people. They have this steady, calming energy that I really vibe with. And quiet people usually like me, because I can carry a conversation, get them to open up and feel comfortable, and I like to think I avoid a lot of the more obnoxious behaviors of my fellow extroverts (‘why are you SO QIUET??’ holy shit, shut up).

So where are the romance novels for women who like quiet men?

Where are the romance novels for women who like to be the ones to do the pursuing? The times I’ve been pursued in life, it made me uncomfortable. The one time I really went with it (ie off the grid guy) cemented my feelings that I prefer to do the pursuing. And I’d really love to see that role reversal in romance novels.

I’d love to see it in typical romance novels. Look, aside from all the rape and alpha males, I’m so okay with traditional trope-y gimme-all-the-cliches romance.

To make a romance novel perfect for me, all you gotta do is make it role reversal/GFD.

But there’s really none of that.

After listening to the hot mess that was “Over Her Knee” by Shoshana Evers, I decided to see if there was anything else-of the more gentle/tender variety-on audible.

Typing in ‘gentle femdom’ here is what I got:

There are two options on audible. Only two. And I’ve already listened to both and I can tell you both are….meh. They’re fine. Definitely didn’t give me a moment or anything. Because it’s erotica, not romance. I need the characters to talk about their feelings for 200 pages before any fucking happens. I’m a woman, okay? Pure erotica really doesn’t do it for me most of the time, because I need to be invested in the characters and their journey of falling in love, before I can get off to a sex scene. If women could get off to sex scenes in isolation, without hundreds of pages of backstory and banter, I guarantee the romance genre would not be a thing. But most of us can’t. So here we are.

I also tried searching “role reverse romance” and the results for that were even worse because they weren’t even in the ballpark of what I was looking for.

I….have no words. This is cucking erotica.

Definitely not what I wanted.

The closest thing to what I’m looking for is the femdom genre, but….it is so brutal. Like when I’m out here judt wanting some books where the gender roles are swapped and the best I can find is a bunch of humiliation/sissification erotica.

That ain’t it, sis! Not what I’m out here looking for *sobs*

The only role reverse stuff seems to be for men and much of it is on the more extreme side of things. Like just because I’d rather be the big spoon, doesn’t mean I want to do all that brutal shit.

So when are we going to get a real, thriving role reverse romance subgenre?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the feminist buck stops short when it comes to women getting wet. Since most women like aggressive jerks, women will keep saying men can be soft/sensitive/short/shy, but will continue to get wet to the hard/dismissive/tall/outgoing guys.

People keep pushing for men to be more feminine and soft, but like why’s everybody pushing for that if nobody actually wants to fuck those guys? Why tell men to be someone women don’t want to fuck? And I say that out of frustration for the romance genre: the guys I like to imagine fucking aren’t in it.

Anyway, I wrote the book I wanted to read.

Here it is (I didn’t plan this post as advertisement, but while we’re here *shrugs*):

Desire and Destruction

Anyway, I have already resigned myself to the fact that the flavor of romance I love is always going to be niche. But criminey, can’t I even get a subgenre? All we have are a smattering of books here and there. Super rare. Like, at least give me a subgenre. I’ll be okay with being surrounded by alpha males and billionaires and Christian Greys if I can just get a subgenre.

I’m talking a small niche of people writing role reverse romance. Not erotica. Romance. Whole ass romance novels.

Is that so much to ask?

Well, that’s it for me for me.

I’ll be over here trying to choose between alpha male infested bodice rippers that make my head hurt and brutal femdom smut that does nothing for me.

Stop Dunking on Wattpad, You Literary Snots

I’m gonna rant. Buckle in, because I’m done. I’m very tired of literary snots jerking themselves off while they shit on wattpad. I’m especially done because all of these wattpad stereotypes they spew are just wrong, and I’m here to correct them.

No. Wattpad is not “all teenage girls.” Now, there’s nothing wrong with teenage girls liking things or forming communities and if you think something intrinsically has less value because teenage girls enjoy it, I invite you to take a walk over to a mirror and take a gander at what misogyny looks like. It’s you. Misogynist. And I don’t throw that word around very much. I’m an antifeminist. I just don’t think there’s any other word for the flavor of shade thrown specifically because young females are involved.

Now, that being said, while there isn’t anything wrong with something being enjoyed by teenage girls, that wattpad stereotype is incorrect.

I am 32 and I use wattpad. My two best wattpad friends are also women in their 30s. One successfully sells romance/erotica on amazon in addition to being an integral part of the wattpad community. The other is a traditionally-published romance/erotica writer who uses wattpad to grow her platform.

All my other wattpad friends range from their 20s-40s.

I think the last time I interacted with a child on wattpad was about a year ago and it wasn’t on purpose.

Wattpad has MANY different communities. There is a corner of wattpad for everyone. My corner of wattpad is filled with mainly women in their 30s looking to grow their author brands.

There are romance communites, sci-fi communities, fantasy communities, horror communities, etc. There are young people and old. There are people from all over the world.

The people who dunk on wattpad haven’t spent enough time on the site to discover these vibrant communities-to find the little corner of wattpad where they could find their people-people who will support and uplift them and cheer them on. There is no other community like wattpad and if you spent 5 minutes dinking around, listened to the shade thrown by the snots of the larger writing community, and then dipped, well, you’ll never have that.

But you get to make jokes and feel superior….so…..good for you, I guess??

Really. Good luck to you forming true connections with other writers-and better, readers!-in the writing communities of reddit, twitter, or facebook. I’ve been in those semi-toxic writer’s groups on facebook. You can not get the wattpad energy over there. (Probably because everybody is the same flavor of more-literary-than-thou as the snots who dump on wattpad….y’all deserve each other).

Moving on…

No. Wattpad is not “nothing but bad boy and alpha werewolf romance.”

And if you go around dunking on wattpad with that gem, you’re probably one of the same assholes taking pot shots at the romance genre. You should criticize a genre for the purposes of making it better. You should criticize a genre when you love and respect the genre and what it could be. What you shouldn’t do is criticize a genre to jerk yourself off for being so much better and smarter than the silly bitches who actually like those genres. I’ll be a silly bitch all I want. Go fuck yourself. You’re already jerking yourself off hard enough, you literary-fiction-reading, worshipping the NYT bestseller list, absolute FUCK.

Let me clarify: I don’t like bad boy romance. I don’t care for werewolf romance. Do I run around announcing that constantly? Nope. I just don’t read in those subgenres. I could not tell you how to make bad boy romance better. I have no idea how to improve the werewolf subgenre. I don’t read those books and it doesn’t upset the equilibrium of my life that other people do.

Let me explain to you how algorithms work, dummy (I told y’all I was annoyed-you kept reading). You have to stick around on a site for a hot minute and be active before the website can learn what you like.

I NEVER have bad boy or werewolf romance suggested to me. Because I do not read it.

I have shy guy romance and time travel romance suggested to me. I have femdom smut recommended to me. I have historical fiction recommended to me.

You hop on the site for five damn minutes and the algorithm has had no opportunity to learn your tastes, then yes, you will get the popular shit.

Is the fact that bad boy and werewolf romance are popular a reflection of the quality of wattpad?

Well….there’s a lot of demented erotica on amazon. It far outnumbers any other genre. You can also find ‘War and Peace’ and every other damn novel in the history of existence on amazon. A web site having some fluff doesn’t mean it’s all fluff.

(Also, you can read ‘War and Peace’ on wattpad. You can read almost every classic on wattpad, and the UI is yards ahead of Project Gutenburg. Public Domain, baby.)

Wattpad has any and every kind of book you could be looking for. And once you learn your way around the site, you figure out how to find the higher quality stuff.

One trick is to go to the official ambassador-run profiles for the genre you enjoy.

For example, fantasy!

Or cookbooks and stories about food!

Or comics!

You’re being willfully obtuse if you say wattpad is “just bad boy and werewolf stories” and you’re not super cool and avante garde because you hate everything popular. *sips iced coffee smugly while listening to Sia* Really, we all know the guy who hates pop music and drops a band the second they stop being edgy and underground. That guy sucks. Don’t be him. You’re free not to like something, but when you actively go around shitting on something you have no interest in, we can see you grasping at straws-whoops! I mean superiority. Sorry, well….same thing, really. You’re not superior because you hate things other people love. You’re just a dick. You’re not a dick if you dislike it or have no interest in it. You’re a dick if you make dumping on popular stuff a personality trait.

Lastly…

No. It’s not “impossible to get real feedback on wattpad.”

Really? Are the pugnacious assholes over on r/writing gonna give you better feedback? They’re gonna help you out?

Maybe you could get some help over on r/destructivereaders or r/fantasywriters, but only on a scene in isolation. Those subreddits are too massive and the whole culture of reddit too disjointed and impersonal, for you to get any real feedback on a whole novel-with readers looking at elements like plot structure, pacing, and character arcs.

If you throw your book up on wattpad and never interact with anybody (or worse bring that whole more-literary-than-thou energy to our little orange community-we don’t want it-keep your snotty ass on reddit and STFU) then yeah, you won’t get great feedback. You might not get any feedback at all. You have to interact on wattpad and make friends if you want to be successful. That’s how wattpad has always worked. And if a rude cunt like me can do it, so can you. It’s not that hard to find a core group of people who can deal with you.

Aside from making friends, another way to get great feedback is to join a critique group or book club, which wattpad has hundreds of.

Personally, I’m a part of Hurricane Book Club. So that’s my favorite. It’s a flexible critique exchange where members read each others books and provide in-depth feedback. That group ranges from people in their 20s all the way up to boomer age. The age diversity is awesome.

Another amazing critique group (and probably the one with the strongest reputation in the community) is Next Big Recognition (commonly referred to among wattpadders as simply ‘NBR’).

Despite the high esteem that the wattpad community holds this group in, I’ve never been a part of NBR. It’s because they expect a LOT from their members. It’s a real time commitment. But that’s why they’re so great. They ensure everybody pulls their weight and spotlighted authors get great in-depth feedback on their work.

And just to shout out a few others I’ve stumbled across in my 5+ years as a wattpadder:

Rebel Book Club

Pretty in Punk

Flexible Book Exchange

Now, before we end this, let me again say: you are allowed to not like wattpad. Heck, you can not like any darn thing you want. I have plenty of blogger friends who have decided wattpad is not for them. I’m not mad at then, because it’s fine if they don’t like wattpad. What isn’t fine is misrepresenting something so that YOU can feel superior.

“I’m too good for x-thing” is not as attractive a personality as you think it is.

And that is what I have to say to the literary snots who dunk on wattpad.

I’ll also say this: when you’re done sniffing your own farts, wattpad will happily accept you. Wattpad is a friendly and vibrant community that welcomes its arms to everyone.

For about the past year, I strayed away from wattpad a little bit. I was spending a lot of time in other corners of the internet, and when that all blew up on me (nobody ask) the wattpad community acted like I’d never drifted away. People were happy to see me actively posting and engaging with readers and fellow writers again.

Better than that, word of the mess I’d landed myself in got around a little and I had some super sweet messages in my inbox People asking if I was okay. People inviting me to work on new projects and collaborate, providing wonderful distraction and pulling me back to the side of the internet I never should have wandered away from.

Wattpad is like a little orange family. It’s big, there are thousands of users, but somehow it’s still small in how cozy it is.

Wattpad has its flaws. It isn’t for everybody.

If it isn’t your thing, that’s okay.

But if you need to shit on something other people love so much just to feel okay about yourself, that’s a you problem. There’s no need to bring other peoples’ passions into a YOU problem.

Ask yourself why you need to take shots at other people to feel okay.

Ask yourself why you’re so invested in appearing smarter than others. Ask yourself why you need, so badly, for other people to know that your tastes are “superior.”

And in the meantime, while you’re figuring that out, maybe back the fuck up off wattpad.

Your insecurity is showing.

Change Up Your Reading Bingo Challenge!

Okay, I am here in front of you all creating my own book blogger/reading challenge. Basically, in 2019 all I read were wattpad books. Then in 2020, I read almost entirely traditionally-published books. I find myself wanting to keep up with all the corners of the book community! I want to keep with trad-pub books, the indie world, serial fiction, and I want to help my fellow authors out by beta reading and reading arcs and signing up for blog tours. I want to do it all! But how can I do it all if I don’t plan?

Hence, the Change Up Your Bingo Reading Challenge.

I’m compiling a list of all the different ways to find books to read and then putting them into bingo cards.

How do you play? Pick a bingo card, read books, and start filling in squares. Just be sure to link to this blog if you decide to post about the challenge on yours!

Categories: (feel free to make your own card)

Traditionally-published bookIndie bookwattpad bookRadish bookBooksprout arcNetgalley arcBeta read a manuscript for a friendFind a manuscript to beta read through a goodreads groupA book from smashwordsA book from luluAn audible bookAn audiobook from the library (most libraries use Overdrive or Libby and you can download books from home)A story on A03A book for a blog tour (I like going through Silver Dagger best)A book from Project GutenburgA story on fanfiction.netA book serialized on a blog or on redditTapas BookBook you discovered through BooktubeA book you find in a used bookstoreA MangaA Book you found through bookstagramAn indie anthologyA ClassicA Non-fiction Book by a Creator You Enjoy (blogger, youtuber, business owner, etc)

There we go! Now that is a nice variety of books that allows me to support all kinds of different indie creators across a number of platforms (and of course, I’ve gotta keep up with all the traditionally-published and classics that might come up in my travels across the bookosphere).

And now for the Bingo cards!

Okay! What do you guys think of my first time creating a blogger reading challenge?

Eh, even if nobody else does it, it will give me a way to make sure I read books in different formats over the course of 2021.

That’s it for me! Hope you guys are having a great weekend

2021Reading Challenge: 52 Weeks, 52 Books — Bargain Sleuth Book Reviews

Now that I’m not working over 40 hours a week, I can look through my fellow bloggers’ posts and see what sort of reading challenges they are undertaking. Why not join another reading challenge? This one is to read one book a week, and fill the categories as you go. Don’t like one of the […]

2021Reading Challenge: 52 Weeks, 52 Books — Bargain Sleuth Book Reviews

Lemon Blueberry Cake — The Cozy Bean

This is one of my go-to baking recipes whenever we have lemons or blueberries in the house. It’s easy to make and technically it’s a bread, but it’s more of a dessert, so I call it a cake. I find it annoying when I’m trying to follow a recipe and you have to scroll through […]

Lemon Blueberry Cake — The Cozy Bean

“Against My Better Judgment” is the Definition of Voicey

Voice is so difficult to explain. A book either has a strong voice or it doesn’t, and ‘Against My Better Judgment’ by B.T. Polcari HAS it.

This book is so voicey and the voice just absolutely made the book for me.

I’ll admit, I don’t read a ton of cozy mystery. It’s not my go-to genre, but the premise of this book grabbed me right away.

Sarah Donovan is attending the University of Alabama and working on a research project for her Egyptology course. When she receives a replica of a mask, she’s unwittingly thrown into a smuggling ring for Egyptian artifacts.

All of the different plot threads wove together so well. Sara is spying, following her TA (who she believes is part of an antiquities black market), and digging through purchase orders, all while she does research for a course project on this very topic: the Egyptian antiquities black market! The fact that she’s caught up (or thinks she is-I won’t spoil it for you-I’ll just say the author had me guessing until the end, whether there really was a ring of criminals or if Sara was imagining it all) in a criminal operation involving Egyptian artifacts, all while she’s studying the theft of Egyptian artifacts and working at a museum gift shop (a museum full of Egyptian artifacts), it all works together so well. The plot threads weave in and out of each other, with so many aspects of Sara’s life entwined in the sphere of Egyptology.

Sara is such a fun main character. She was so fleshed out and so so funny. I loved reading this story from her perspective. Her inner dialogue is full of so many funny little quips.

Just to give you a few gems:

Photo by David McEachan on Pexels.com

Sara’s character is so wonderfully-fleshed out and full of interesting details.

She’s a germaphobe who carries sanitizer wipes everywhere she goes and has a whole protocol for dealing with sick customers at work. She’s a massive clutz who breaks her phone so often she’s on a known quantity down at the phone store. She has the worst luck and even worse judgment (hence the cute title). She’s also fascinated by the Egyptian antiquities black market. Oh! And the whole Tina Belcher thing she has going on…

Yeah, Sara’s butt obsession is more than a little reminiscent of Tina. What can I say though? As a connoisseur of man butts myself, I’m sort of here for it.

Sara loves a good piece of man meat so much, it’s the only thing that will get her up out of bed before six a.m to go to the gym. If she goes that early, she gets to see…..ROTC boys.

Photo by Anush Gorak on Pexels.com

I mean, hey, not my type, but rock on girl.

Me, I’m more like….

Photo by Artem Podrez on Pexels.com

Like why would you want hard muscles gotta man looking like a segmented bug or something. Dudes with abs straight up have a thorax.

Instead you could have a big old squishy gut.

(And overweight men have self-esteem issues that make them seem safer and less threatening than confident men. I mean, normal things. I’m attracted to fat men for normal reasons.)

Anyway, Sara’s oggling of all the men in the book was really fun. Love to see perpetually-horny women get some rep in cozy mystery. Definitely not something I expected to see and I was very on-board with it.

The setting was another fun element of the book. It was set in Alabama and while the Southern vibe definitely came through, it didn’t feel forced or corny like it often can when region is a factor in the plot. Not only that, but having a story so entwined with scholarship, museums, and artifacts, where the main character is running around talking to esteemed professors and doctoral candidates, set in the deep South-a place not often associated with ivory towers-I thought it was neat. Obviously there are academics everywhere, and in that way, the story is incredibly grounded.

Overall, this was a really enjoyable book.

4 of these guys!

I recommend this book to anyone who likes learning about obscure topics (like the artifacts smuggling black market), reading about hot mess loveable characters, and books that keep you guessing right up until the end.

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