Sammantha Anderson's Blog, page 3
May 10, 2020
Transforming
This week was exciting because Bad Origins was finally completed. I was able to get all of the copies out to my ARC readers and set the book up on Draft 2 Digital for release at the end of the month. Everytime I finish a book there is this sense of accomplishment. This one is different, the sense of accomplishment was greater than my other books. The reason for that is while writing this book I was going through my own transformation. While writing this book, I was dealing with a lot of personal issues. I was at a point in my marriage that I was not sure I could keep going. I was looking at going back to work for the first time in eleven years and I was dealing with looking at what I really wanted in life. I wrote the book and was very unsure of the book. I sat after finishing it, questioning if I had gone too far or if I had made a few bad judgement calls. Maybe I needed to cut some of the book. I waited two weeks, doing some work on book four before I did the first edit of the book. I read the entire book, made the necessary changes and then realized that this book was amazing. It was better than the first two books. It was a shocking realization but one that elated me. During this book, Savannah is going through a number of transitions and dealing with her past. In some ways, I was doing the same thing. I mean I wasn’t dealing with life or death situations but I was dealing with what I had avoided for a number of years: my happiness. I was dealing with my efforts to lose the weight I had put on over the years. I was looking at myself and the decisions I had made that had gotten me to this point and I was starting to see how unhappy I was in every aspect of my life. With that I started looking at what needed to change. The change that needed to happen had to start with me. I needed to change my attitude and my perception of who I am and who I wanted to be. I spent many years hiding because it was easier to not be more than a mom. It was easier to do for my family and not for myself. I felt like it was my duty as mom to only focus on them. The problem with that is I broke myself down to do it. I gave up everything to make others happy at the cost of me. As I wrote this book, I started to look at what I wanted. I wanted to be more than mom. I wanted to be healthy, I wanted to be independent, and I wanted to be who I was meant to be. I wanted to be a writer and be able to take care of me and my children. I wanted to be happy and be me. I wanted to be able to listen to my music and dance around. I wanted to be with someone who thought my writing was as special as they thought I was.
Slowly during the process of writing Bad Origins, I began to grow and change. I began to find me again. During this growth I realized that being in my marriage was not what I wanted anymore. I was with a person who didn’t like who I was becoming. As I finished the final edit on Bad Origins, I made a decision. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made but it was one I knew that was right for me and also my family. I made the choice to end my marriage.
I have said it before and I will say it again and again, writing saved my life. Savannah and her people pulled me from a dark hole I had no clue I was even in until I started this journey. Am I completely whole and healed? No, I am a work in progress. I am battling my demons and on the road to recovery daily. I sometimes think I should just give up everything. How much easier it would be? But then that means I lose myself once more and I don’t want that. For the first time in my life, I see what I want and I am trying to find the strength and the courage to go for it. This transformation has not just been seen in my life but in my writing. I am starting a second series, and I am looking at co-writing with another author. I am also diving into poetry, which is a first for me. I can see how the book should look, now I just need an artist and a lot more poetry. I have never been a poetry writer before but I am finding it has been a great outlet for my emotions.
Writing is a gift just like any other talent. It takes time and energy to hone your craft. It is also a piece of your soul. Any art, whether you are a musician, a painter, a sculptor, writer, etcetera, requires you to leave a piece behind. The art you create is a part of who you are. For me Savannah is real but she is also a piece of who I am, just as Meri is, and Santiago. Take time to continue to grow. Take time to be who you truly want to be. Don’t let others discourage you or tell you can’t. Do you, be you. Until next time!
Slowly during the process of writing Bad Origins, I began to grow and change. I began to find me again. During this growth I realized that being in my marriage was not what I wanted anymore. I was with a person who didn’t like who I was becoming. As I finished the final edit on Bad Origins, I made a decision. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made but it was one I knew that was right for me and also my family. I made the choice to end my marriage.
I have said it before and I will say it again and again, writing saved my life. Savannah and her people pulled me from a dark hole I had no clue I was even in until I started this journey. Am I completely whole and healed? No, I am a work in progress. I am battling my demons and on the road to recovery daily. I sometimes think I should just give up everything. How much easier it would be? But then that means I lose myself once more and I don’t want that. For the first time in my life, I see what I want and I am trying to find the strength and the courage to go for it. This transformation has not just been seen in my life but in my writing. I am starting a second series, and I am looking at co-writing with another author. I am also diving into poetry, which is a first for me. I can see how the book should look, now I just need an artist and a lot more poetry. I have never been a poetry writer before but I am finding it has been a great outlet for my emotions.
Writing is a gift just like any other talent. It takes time and energy to hone your craft. It is also a piece of your soul. Any art, whether you are a musician, a painter, a sculptor, writer, etcetera, requires you to leave a piece behind. The art you create is a part of who you are. For me Savannah is real but she is also a piece of who I am, just as Meri is, and Santiago. Take time to continue to grow. Take time to be who you truly want to be. Don’t let others discourage you or tell you can’t. Do you, be you. Until next time!
May 3, 2020
Fear of the Unknown
This week has been exciting as an author. I set up my first takeover party on my new Facebook page in partnership with L.E. Martin. Who set up our page Penned in Magic and Forevers on Facebook and within the first day we had over a hundred members. The fact that we have already reached over a hundred members is exciting. I want to talk this week about what led to us starting our own page and about the fear of the unknown.
It all started with a thought I had months ago. I am part of many different book groups on Facebook. I have done takeover parties on many of them, along with posting on them to advertise my books. The more time I spent on each page, the more I found there were things I loved about each page and things I was less than enthusiastic about as well. A thought began to form that I wanted to create my own group. I work full time, I am a mother of two, plus I write, I am also becoming a single parent. To say the least, I stay busy. How was I going to start a page? How was I going to run a page when half the time I feel like I am drowning. I let the idea just sit there in the back of my mind for a few months. As the months ticked by, the thought of this group continued to grow. I decided I would take a chance. I met L.E. Martin just after my first book released. She and I met through one of the groups we are part of and somehow just hit it off. We live two thousand miles away from each other and have never met in person but I consider her one of my friends. She is warm, a hard worker, and writes beautifully. There is only one other author I would trust to do this with and I was unsure if she had the time to do it. So I took a leap and said something to L.E., little did I know she had been thinking of starting a group as well. We began to talk and within hours we went from well let's think about it to I have a name for our group. L.E. is the one who came up with the name. Within days I had our banner made and from there it snowballed. We planned everything out, from what we wanted to post, to schedules of daily posts, and how often to allow takeovers from page participants. We talked through everything. I began to make graphics and so did L.E. We spent months messaging back and forth about every small detail. It was terrifying what we were doing. What if we couldn’t get the page off the ground? What if the mess of my life left L.E. to do everything? So many fears were there as we built this. With the fears came excitement as well. This was a place we could always post. We could create something together and hopefully it would grow into something more.
I am happy to say we have exceeded our expectations. The fact that we have more than a hundred members within the first day means we are off to a good start. I am grateful to all who have joined our page and invited their friends. I am even more grateful to L.E. for all she has done for our page. Over the last few weeks I have been working three jobs while trying to homeschool my kids. I feel like she has done most of the work for the last few weeks because of that. I could not have done any of this without her.
As you all know, I have been battling a number of my demons. One of them is the fear of the unknown. I don’t know if this page will grow more or how fast it will. I don’t know if we will continue to have success. What if I reach a point and I can’t write anymore? What if my life becomes more chaotic? There are so many unknowns in what we are doing that it scares me.
So what do you do when you are battling those fears? I am still trying to learn this lesson in more than one area in my life. I thought I had conquered this particular demon when I started publishing. In some ways I had. Publishing was scary on many levels. Now I was putting more of myself out there and I was bringing L.E. along for the ride. What I am learning with this particular demon is you have to put yourself out there or you will never know what will happen. I am not saying I have totally beat this demon, not even close. I still have fear of the unknown. I still fight against it on other fronts but at least I am winning the battle in other areas. Hopefully those wins will help me in different areas in my life.
Take the chance. Swallow the fear that you are feeling of the unknown. There are going to be failures but there will also be wins. The only way to know which are wins is to go for it. Stay strong. Until next time!
It all started with a thought I had months ago. I am part of many different book groups on Facebook. I have done takeover parties on many of them, along with posting on them to advertise my books. The more time I spent on each page, the more I found there were things I loved about each page and things I was less than enthusiastic about as well. A thought began to form that I wanted to create my own group. I work full time, I am a mother of two, plus I write, I am also becoming a single parent. To say the least, I stay busy. How was I going to start a page? How was I going to run a page when half the time I feel like I am drowning. I let the idea just sit there in the back of my mind for a few months. As the months ticked by, the thought of this group continued to grow. I decided I would take a chance. I met L.E. Martin just after my first book released. She and I met through one of the groups we are part of and somehow just hit it off. We live two thousand miles away from each other and have never met in person but I consider her one of my friends. She is warm, a hard worker, and writes beautifully. There is only one other author I would trust to do this with and I was unsure if she had the time to do it. So I took a leap and said something to L.E., little did I know she had been thinking of starting a group as well. We began to talk and within hours we went from well let's think about it to I have a name for our group. L.E. is the one who came up with the name. Within days I had our banner made and from there it snowballed. We planned everything out, from what we wanted to post, to schedules of daily posts, and how often to allow takeovers from page participants. We talked through everything. I began to make graphics and so did L.E. We spent months messaging back and forth about every small detail. It was terrifying what we were doing. What if we couldn’t get the page off the ground? What if the mess of my life left L.E. to do everything? So many fears were there as we built this. With the fears came excitement as well. This was a place we could always post. We could create something together and hopefully it would grow into something more.
I am happy to say we have exceeded our expectations. The fact that we have more than a hundred members within the first day means we are off to a good start. I am grateful to all who have joined our page and invited their friends. I am even more grateful to L.E. for all she has done for our page. Over the last few weeks I have been working three jobs while trying to homeschool my kids. I feel like she has done most of the work for the last few weeks because of that. I could not have done any of this without her.
As you all know, I have been battling a number of my demons. One of them is the fear of the unknown. I don’t know if this page will grow more or how fast it will. I don’t know if we will continue to have success. What if I reach a point and I can’t write anymore? What if my life becomes more chaotic? There are so many unknowns in what we are doing that it scares me.
So what do you do when you are battling those fears? I am still trying to learn this lesson in more than one area in my life. I thought I had conquered this particular demon when I started publishing. In some ways I had. Publishing was scary on many levels. Now I was putting more of myself out there and I was bringing L.E. along for the ride. What I am learning with this particular demon is you have to put yourself out there or you will never know what will happen. I am not saying I have totally beat this demon, not even close. I still have fear of the unknown. I still fight against it on other fronts but at least I am winning the battle in other areas. Hopefully those wins will help me in different areas in my life.
Take the chance. Swallow the fear that you are feeling of the unknown. There are going to be failures but there will also be wins. The only way to know which are wins is to go for it. Stay strong. Until next time!
April 26, 2020
Spring Fun!
This week I am having a hard time getting anything on the paper for this blog post. I have written all week and I am happy to say that book six is coming along nicely, finally. What I discovered this week was that I had no clue what was in store for me in terms of this book. I knew what the book is about in general, what I didn’t foresee was who was going to be the star of the book. For that reason, I am now sitting here trying to write this blog post with no words for you. Maybe I used up all of my words this past week or maybe it’s the fact that I have a bit of spring fever going on. I want to be outside enjoying the sunshine and doing more active things. I have spent the week working a lot on book six along with my day job. The closer we get to being able to go out of our homes the more I feel the need to go do something this weekend. I am ready for weekends to be weekends again. I am ready to be able to go out to bars, hiking, and whatever else my heart desires. I am ready for some form of freedom that I am craving right now. So for those reasons. I am going to leave this blog post very short and sweet this week. Do something fun that you want to do. Take the break from writing, binge watching or whatever else you have been doing and do something that is more normal for you. Enjoy a walk, go for a hike. Just have some fun. Until next time!
April 19, 2020
Finding Outlets
I have talked a lot about personal crap that I have been dealing with in the last few weeks. This lock down we are all experiencing is in some ways forcing many of us to take a hard look at our situations and ourselves. I know I have been and I have been working on some serious personal growth while I work three jobs. Hopefully, one day I will have a job that pays me well enough that I only need one instead of three. With this lock down not only have we been forced to look at ourselves but in some ways going a little stir crazy or at least I have. Personal growth is difficult enough especially when you are fighting your demons and trying to kill them one by one. To be forced to stay inside and not see others, not have contact with people that you are close with makes all of this ten times harder. In some ways it makes the whole personal growth thing even more difficult because those people we are closest to are the ones that help us through the tough times.
With that said you would think I would be getting writing done and making a ton of progress. I mean I am working more jobs and teaching my kids but I should have at least a few hours a day to bust out page after page on book six. How I wish this was true? I do sit at the computer for at least an hour a day but the problem is my own personal crap has been getting in the way. As much as I wish I could shut all of it down and get to my work, that I am passionate about, done, I can’t. I sit down at my computer and the most I am getting done is seven or eight pages, if I’m lucky. Right now, I have the first sixty pages completed of book six and for me that number is low to what I normally get done when I am drafting. The fact that I’m not farther pisses me off at me. I am a professional writer. I should have mastered how to shut the bullcrap of my life out by now. This should be easier by now. Mind you I have a few new issues that are taking up head space but come on. The one thing I have always been good at is compartmentalizing. It is how I have gotten through some of the worst moments in my life. Unfortunately for me, it is not working as well. It is one of the reasons it has made all of this more difficult and staying hopeful more difficult.
So what do you do? How do you shut down the crazy when you can’t leave your home and you can’t see your support system? I am not sure I am the best person to answer that but I am going to try. The first thing you need to do is be able to recognize when the crazy is coming out. Sometimes we just don’t even see our crazy until it’s too late to put it back in the bag. Once I see the crazy is out of the bag, I do what I can to push it back. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I say let my crazy flag fly because it’s easier, and other times I am successful. This past week I failed to keep a handle on my crazy. I get these feelings that giving up would just be easier, safer. Giving up would mean I wouldn’t have to work multiple jobs and not getting my heart broken. Giving up is something I am familiar with. It is something I understand. The question then becomes how is it serving me? Is it teaching me anything? Am I growing? The answer to all of that is no. So that means I have to make a choice to give up or keep going. It is a hard choice to make but as of now I am going to keep going.
The next part in this is to realize when you are in need of something else. For me this week writing was hard. I had some success the week before but then it all came crashing down this week. Fighting yourself makes the creative side of the brain stop functioning. So I am now trying to find other outlets. For me working out is one of my outlets. I walk four miles almost everyday, it is the one activity that I can do outside that isn’t work. It means my mind gets to dive into whatever it wants to and I can let it have free rein. Sometimes that walk helps more than anyone or anything. The other thing I do is drown myself in music. For me, music is a savior just as writing is. It is a form of art I can sink into. I can put music on and sing my heart out and let all the pain and crazy I am feeling out. I wish I had less stage fright because I would find ways to perform but I have terrible stage fright when it comes to singing. Dancing also helps when things get too rough. I go with the early Grey’s Anatomy days and dance it out. Sometimes it’s just me dancing, other times it’s with my daughter or the student I tutor. Either way I blast music and I just let it out that way. The newest outlet I am finding is still in writing but in a different form. I have never been a poetry writer. It is not a skill I have but I have been working on some poetry in order to get a handle on things. I have put some out on my personal social media and if I get better at it I may turn it into a book, I have an image in my head of what it will look like. The poetry helps me say what I am feeling without any judgement. It helps me be able to feel, and express my dark thoughts, which I don’t like to do when I am in a dark place.
Find those other outlets that you can do on your own. Find ways to create a support system within yourself. I wish I could say that when this is all over we will get to go back to normal life but I am not sure we will or at least not anytime soon. Stay strong. Until next time!
With that said you would think I would be getting writing done and making a ton of progress. I mean I am working more jobs and teaching my kids but I should have at least a few hours a day to bust out page after page on book six. How I wish this was true? I do sit at the computer for at least an hour a day but the problem is my own personal crap has been getting in the way. As much as I wish I could shut all of it down and get to my work, that I am passionate about, done, I can’t. I sit down at my computer and the most I am getting done is seven or eight pages, if I’m lucky. Right now, I have the first sixty pages completed of book six and for me that number is low to what I normally get done when I am drafting. The fact that I’m not farther pisses me off at me. I am a professional writer. I should have mastered how to shut the bullcrap of my life out by now. This should be easier by now. Mind you I have a few new issues that are taking up head space but come on. The one thing I have always been good at is compartmentalizing. It is how I have gotten through some of the worst moments in my life. Unfortunately for me, it is not working as well. It is one of the reasons it has made all of this more difficult and staying hopeful more difficult.
So what do you do? How do you shut down the crazy when you can’t leave your home and you can’t see your support system? I am not sure I am the best person to answer that but I am going to try. The first thing you need to do is be able to recognize when the crazy is coming out. Sometimes we just don’t even see our crazy until it’s too late to put it back in the bag. Once I see the crazy is out of the bag, I do what I can to push it back. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I say let my crazy flag fly because it’s easier, and other times I am successful. This past week I failed to keep a handle on my crazy. I get these feelings that giving up would just be easier, safer. Giving up would mean I wouldn’t have to work multiple jobs and not getting my heart broken. Giving up is something I am familiar with. It is something I understand. The question then becomes how is it serving me? Is it teaching me anything? Am I growing? The answer to all of that is no. So that means I have to make a choice to give up or keep going. It is a hard choice to make but as of now I am going to keep going.
The next part in this is to realize when you are in need of something else. For me this week writing was hard. I had some success the week before but then it all came crashing down this week. Fighting yourself makes the creative side of the brain stop functioning. So I am now trying to find other outlets. For me working out is one of my outlets. I walk four miles almost everyday, it is the one activity that I can do outside that isn’t work. It means my mind gets to dive into whatever it wants to and I can let it have free rein. Sometimes that walk helps more than anyone or anything. The other thing I do is drown myself in music. For me, music is a savior just as writing is. It is a form of art I can sink into. I can put music on and sing my heart out and let all the pain and crazy I am feeling out. I wish I had less stage fright because I would find ways to perform but I have terrible stage fright when it comes to singing. Dancing also helps when things get too rough. I go with the early Grey’s Anatomy days and dance it out. Sometimes it’s just me dancing, other times it’s with my daughter or the student I tutor. Either way I blast music and I just let it out that way. The newest outlet I am finding is still in writing but in a different form. I have never been a poetry writer. It is not a skill I have but I have been working on some poetry in order to get a handle on things. I have put some out on my personal social media and if I get better at it I may turn it into a book, I have an image in my head of what it will look like. The poetry helps me say what I am feeling without any judgement. It helps me be able to feel, and express my dark thoughts, which I don’t like to do when I am in a dark place.
Find those other outlets that you can do on your own. Find ways to create a support system within yourself. I wish I could say that when this is all over we will get to go back to normal life but I am not sure we will or at least not anytime soon. Stay strong. Until next time!
April 12, 2020
Finding Your Center
This week has been more of getting into a routine. I am finding my balance between three jobs and homeschooling my kids. For the record this stay at home order has proven to me why I never wanted to home school my kids. I love my children but teaching your own kids is like trying to herd cats. They do not give a crap what you say. They think you are just being pushy and I’m pretty confident my daughter has called me a bitch in her head at least thirty times. She has no poker face and I can see the words forming inside her head like a bubble cloud with the word. We have had meltdowns and arguments and some serious talks. I am definitely not made to teach my kids. It is a weakness on my part, as well as for many other parents, and truthfully they are better suited to learn from someone who is not me. Let me just say I have wanted to cry more than once trying to teach math to both of my kids. I have also thought about having a drink, maybe two after I was done.
Anyway, with the start of finding a balance in life, I am also finding a new balance with my writing. I have been trying to start book six and have had some issues. The first being I am working a lot of hours trying to make as much money as I can. I have been battling my own demons and questioning things about myself. And I kind of pissed Savannah off when I was in my dark place. I won’t go into details of how I did it because that is between her and I, but just know I am in the process of making up with her. I will say Savannah had every right to be pissed at me for allowing my darkness to seep into her world. As I begin to make my amends with Savannah, it means the words are slowly beginning to start to flow out of me and onto the page once more. It is a relief to say I actually wrote ten pages this week. I know it’s not much but it is a start and it means I get to finish Savannah’s books, which my readers are going to enjoy hearing. I am hoping that as I find my footing, I am going to be able to do more writing.
This week has shown me I need to make one more adjustment to my schedule. I need to start writing in the early mornings once more and then go do all of my jobs. It means at night once my kids go to bed I can relax and get some rest, which I have not had a lot of in the last few weeks. I need to cut out more time dedicated for Savannah and Santiago, instead of just squeezing them in. While in my dark place, I was having a hard time finding the heart to do this any longer. Part of it was just because I was hurting. The other part of it were those asshole demons I have been fighting. The good news is I am learning to deal with them and fighting them back more and more. It means that I am able to put more back into my writing than I have lately.
We as writers try not to allow our real world dramas to affect what we do in our other world. The problem is that doesn’t always work. Sometimes our real world troubles become our primary focus and it is hard for us to dive into our world of writing. For the last few weeks that is what has been happening with me. It makes me angry at myself for not doing better by Savannah but it is one of those things that you have to just accept, sometimes we fail.
So what do you do when you are battling yourself? That is the million dollar question. I am still learning what to do. One of the things I did was I took a night off from Savannah. I went and sat with my friend and just enjoyed some laughs and conversation. My friend lives in the next building, so I technically didn’t leave home. We sat talking and laughing and making fun of a certain person who is pushing all of my buttons right now. It was exactly what I needed. I also took another night off and sat watching one of my favorite shows, The West Wing, while I crochet. I talked to Savannah while I worked on my blanket and just let the quiet sink in. I don’t know if I found peace but I did find a little bit of quiet. It was what I needed without even realizing it. Right now, I don’t have time for a lot of breaks. I have a lot of work to do to meet my goals and I have a lot of work to do with Savannah. But those two nights I needed to find a way to quiet down all the chaos I am feeling. Those nights helped to the point that I was finally given what I believe is a sign from the fates. It was a very weird sign but it was what I have been asking for. Now I am going on a hope and a prayer that it was an actual sign and I am going to get what my little heart is wishing for. It has helped me turn my attention back to Savannah.
Breaks, even short ones, are important. You need those breaks sometimes to recenter yourself. I needed those two nights to quiet down, all of the crap I am feeling. Am I still dealing with all of my demons and self doubt? Yes, but they are less powerful than they were a week ago. Will I always be dealing with them? I don’t know. If I’m being honest with you and me, I will probably always be fighting them but hopefully they will have less power over me than they have.
Take the break when you feel overwhelmed. Find an outlet even if it’s just for a day or a night as it may be. Find a way to relax and be you. Take a walk, sing and dance around, do whatever it is to help you deal with you. I do all of the above and still it wasn’t enough. I needed a night not in front of this computer but doing something completely different. Stay strong my friends. Until next time!
Anyway, with the start of finding a balance in life, I am also finding a new balance with my writing. I have been trying to start book six and have had some issues. The first being I am working a lot of hours trying to make as much money as I can. I have been battling my own demons and questioning things about myself. And I kind of pissed Savannah off when I was in my dark place. I won’t go into details of how I did it because that is between her and I, but just know I am in the process of making up with her. I will say Savannah had every right to be pissed at me for allowing my darkness to seep into her world. As I begin to make my amends with Savannah, it means the words are slowly beginning to start to flow out of me and onto the page once more. It is a relief to say I actually wrote ten pages this week. I know it’s not much but it is a start and it means I get to finish Savannah’s books, which my readers are going to enjoy hearing. I am hoping that as I find my footing, I am going to be able to do more writing.
This week has shown me I need to make one more adjustment to my schedule. I need to start writing in the early mornings once more and then go do all of my jobs. It means at night once my kids go to bed I can relax and get some rest, which I have not had a lot of in the last few weeks. I need to cut out more time dedicated for Savannah and Santiago, instead of just squeezing them in. While in my dark place, I was having a hard time finding the heart to do this any longer. Part of it was just because I was hurting. The other part of it were those asshole demons I have been fighting. The good news is I am learning to deal with them and fighting them back more and more. It means that I am able to put more back into my writing than I have lately.
We as writers try not to allow our real world dramas to affect what we do in our other world. The problem is that doesn’t always work. Sometimes our real world troubles become our primary focus and it is hard for us to dive into our world of writing. For the last few weeks that is what has been happening with me. It makes me angry at myself for not doing better by Savannah but it is one of those things that you have to just accept, sometimes we fail.
So what do you do when you are battling yourself? That is the million dollar question. I am still learning what to do. One of the things I did was I took a night off from Savannah. I went and sat with my friend and just enjoyed some laughs and conversation. My friend lives in the next building, so I technically didn’t leave home. We sat talking and laughing and making fun of a certain person who is pushing all of my buttons right now. It was exactly what I needed. I also took another night off and sat watching one of my favorite shows, The West Wing, while I crochet. I talked to Savannah while I worked on my blanket and just let the quiet sink in. I don’t know if I found peace but I did find a little bit of quiet. It was what I needed without even realizing it. Right now, I don’t have time for a lot of breaks. I have a lot of work to do to meet my goals and I have a lot of work to do with Savannah. But those two nights I needed to find a way to quiet down all the chaos I am feeling. Those nights helped to the point that I was finally given what I believe is a sign from the fates. It was a very weird sign but it was what I have been asking for. Now I am going on a hope and a prayer that it was an actual sign and I am going to get what my little heart is wishing for. It has helped me turn my attention back to Savannah.
Breaks, even short ones, are important. You need those breaks sometimes to recenter yourself. I needed those two nights to quiet down, all of the crap I am feeling. Am I still dealing with all of my demons and self doubt? Yes, but they are less powerful than they were a week ago. Will I always be dealing with them? I don’t know. If I’m being honest with you and me, I will probably always be fighting them but hopefully they will have less power over me than they have.
Take the break when you feel overwhelmed. Find an outlet even if it’s just for a day or a night as it may be. Find a way to relax and be you. Take a walk, sing and dance around, do whatever it is to help you deal with you. I do all of the above and still it wasn’t enough. I needed a night not in front of this computer but doing something completely different. Stay strong my friends. Until next time!
April 5, 2020
Life's Little Tests
This was the first week of me working two jobs, okay at this point, it’s closer to four, but two that pay the bills. I am working from home, providing support to the teachers at my school, while also helping with lesson plans for my students. I’ve been driven to pick up a second job to support myself and my kids. The second job is delivering groceries. It requires me to shop for customers and then deliver their groceries. It is labor intensive work but it provides anywhere from $200 to $300 extra a week. On top of this, I am educating my kiddos and helping my friend’s daughter as well. For the record my friend’s kid is so much easier to educate than my own. There is something about teaching your own kids that makes you want to scream. Anyway, I am also trying to start book six while I do all this. I have the first two chapters written and the first five chapters outlined. The thing is, I’m not progressing the way I want. I definitely did not hit my goal for writing and the writing is not as good as I want it. It has been a challenge to say the least as I try to balance everything.
By the end of the day, I am so exhausted that I can’t even keep my eyes open. I get up the next day and do it all again. All I want is a day off, where I don’t have to do anything. Unfortunately for me that is not an option at this time. I have to push until I reach my goal of financial independence and living on my own with my kids. So for the next several months, I have to keep pushing to ensure I reach not just my goal but to also create the life I want. While working my multiple jobs, I find life is testing me. I believe that life or God or the fates that be, test us in order to ensure we are growing as humans. We each have our own journey and our own lessons we must learn. I am a person that doesn’t generally follow my heart, I am impatient, and when I know what I want, I go for it. What I realized this week, is that the test I am being given is about two things: patience and following my heart.
The patience thing I have talked about in the past but right now life is showing me that it is something I need to continue to work on. I have no patience. I hate the saying “good things come to those who wait.” It is a saying that irritates me more than any other saying. The thing is, life is forcing me to learn that the saying can be true. I am hoping it is or karma is just having a really good laugh at my expense. Sorry I got sidetracked. Anyways, I am having to learn to have patience for others, patience for the things I want in my life, and patience for myself. Making the decision to ask for a divorce lit a fire under me. So it makes me want to get everything done now. It makes me want to move forward. The problem is it takes time. I know what I want. I can picture the life I want but I have to be patient and that frustrates the hell out of me. I also have to learn to be patient with my kids, as I try to teach them. E-learning is new for them and for me, so it takes time for them to adjust. They also have to learn from their mother, who is harder on them than their teachers are. It is requiring me to take a few moments during their lessons to breath so I don’t start yelling. What can I say I’m a yeller and when I get frustrated I have a tendency to yell, just like my mother. It’s a family trait. I also have to learn to be patient with myself. I have high expectations for myself. I expect that I should be able to do what I need to do without complaint from me. If you want something, you should be willing to do what you have to in order to achieve that goal. The issue is, I feel like I am not doing enough. I could be doing more deliveries, I should be writing more pages. I should be stronger than I feel to handle my shit. And yet I find that I feel as if I am failing on all fronts. I am just failing, which means what I want isn’t going to happen. It is the hardest lesson for me to learn.
My other test is following my heart and placing faith in others. I am a firm believer that following your heart is a dangerous thing. Your heart will guide you wrong because it’s a fool. I put very little faith in others and what they say. Life in many ways has taught me to always protect me, which means only believe in what your head says. Very recently that thought process has been tested. I am finding that I want to follow my heart. I want to believe that the life I have envisioned is going to happen. In order to have that life I have to follow my heart and place some faith in others. It is something that I have a hard time doing. I trust few and even the few I trust, I keep at an arm's length. I let very few people in because it's a dangerous thing, it means I could get hurt, which I don’t allow to happen. The life I see requires me to change my thought process. I have no clue how to do that other than to just jump and put faith in others and myself. That freaks me out and my head starts pointing out how well that has worked in the past. It is a battle that I am fighting every day at this point. Do I trust others and myself to make the right decisions? Do I place that faith in others? If I don’t, the life I want will not happen. If I do, could mean it all blows up in my face and I end up completely heartbroken. So what do I do?
Right now I am trying to follow my heart as I fight that fear. I am trying to believe, following your heart doesn’t always end in disaster. I am hoping at the end of all these tests life is throwing at me that I will come out of it better and with what I want and need. I am hoping that I succeed in what I need to do. Right now I’m not sure I can pass the tests. I’m not sure myself destructive ways won’t ruin everything. Only time will tell.
Stay strong. Work towards those goals. Find patience for those around you, yourself, and your situation. Until next time!
By the end of the day, I am so exhausted that I can’t even keep my eyes open. I get up the next day and do it all again. All I want is a day off, where I don’t have to do anything. Unfortunately for me that is not an option at this time. I have to push until I reach my goal of financial independence and living on my own with my kids. So for the next several months, I have to keep pushing to ensure I reach not just my goal but to also create the life I want. While working my multiple jobs, I find life is testing me. I believe that life or God or the fates that be, test us in order to ensure we are growing as humans. We each have our own journey and our own lessons we must learn. I am a person that doesn’t generally follow my heart, I am impatient, and when I know what I want, I go for it. What I realized this week, is that the test I am being given is about two things: patience and following my heart.
The patience thing I have talked about in the past but right now life is showing me that it is something I need to continue to work on. I have no patience. I hate the saying “good things come to those who wait.” It is a saying that irritates me more than any other saying. The thing is, life is forcing me to learn that the saying can be true. I am hoping it is or karma is just having a really good laugh at my expense. Sorry I got sidetracked. Anyways, I am having to learn to have patience for others, patience for the things I want in my life, and patience for myself. Making the decision to ask for a divorce lit a fire under me. So it makes me want to get everything done now. It makes me want to move forward. The problem is it takes time. I know what I want. I can picture the life I want but I have to be patient and that frustrates the hell out of me. I also have to learn to be patient with my kids, as I try to teach them. E-learning is new for them and for me, so it takes time for them to adjust. They also have to learn from their mother, who is harder on them than their teachers are. It is requiring me to take a few moments during their lessons to breath so I don’t start yelling. What can I say I’m a yeller and when I get frustrated I have a tendency to yell, just like my mother. It’s a family trait. I also have to learn to be patient with myself. I have high expectations for myself. I expect that I should be able to do what I need to do without complaint from me. If you want something, you should be willing to do what you have to in order to achieve that goal. The issue is, I feel like I am not doing enough. I could be doing more deliveries, I should be writing more pages. I should be stronger than I feel to handle my shit. And yet I find that I feel as if I am failing on all fronts. I am just failing, which means what I want isn’t going to happen. It is the hardest lesson for me to learn.
My other test is following my heart and placing faith in others. I am a firm believer that following your heart is a dangerous thing. Your heart will guide you wrong because it’s a fool. I put very little faith in others and what they say. Life in many ways has taught me to always protect me, which means only believe in what your head says. Very recently that thought process has been tested. I am finding that I want to follow my heart. I want to believe that the life I have envisioned is going to happen. In order to have that life I have to follow my heart and place some faith in others. It is something that I have a hard time doing. I trust few and even the few I trust, I keep at an arm's length. I let very few people in because it's a dangerous thing, it means I could get hurt, which I don’t allow to happen. The life I see requires me to change my thought process. I have no clue how to do that other than to just jump and put faith in others and myself. That freaks me out and my head starts pointing out how well that has worked in the past. It is a battle that I am fighting every day at this point. Do I trust others and myself to make the right decisions? Do I place that faith in others? If I don’t, the life I want will not happen. If I do, could mean it all blows up in my face and I end up completely heartbroken. So what do I do?
Right now I am trying to follow my heart as I fight that fear. I am trying to believe, following your heart doesn’t always end in disaster. I am hoping at the end of all these tests life is throwing at me that I will come out of it better and with what I want and need. I am hoping that I succeed in what I need to do. Right now I’m not sure I can pass the tests. I’m not sure myself destructive ways won’t ruin everything. Only time will tell.
Stay strong. Work towards those goals. Find patience for those around you, yourself, and your situation. Until next time!
March 29, 2020
Personal Demons
As time passes by through all of the stay at home orders, it feels as though things are becoming more uncertain by the day. The uncertainty in the economy, what is to come, and will we be able to return to life as we have always known it. For me all of this creates an uncertainty in not just my future but in the faith department. I have goals I have set for myself, plans I have made for the near future but if all of this continues as it is the question becomes will I be able to meet those goals or will I be stuck in the same cycle I have been in for several years. There is also the fact that I hold very little faith in most people. My past has taught me very harsh lessons in life so it makes me question if I will forever be stuck in place. The demons in my head come out spreading their lies and I have a hard time discerning between what is true and what isn’t.
It creates not just a crisis in faith in me but also in others. Right now, I am trying to fight those demons. I have a few friends who are currently going through what I am going through in my private life and one that is dealing with much worse. Due to these changes and our personal demons have created a distance between us as we all are trying to deal with our own problems. It makes the demons shout louder in my head; telling me, see you are alone. The first part of my week was spent fighting them back and I failed miserably. I spent the first few days fighting back tears and telling myself those demons are right and I am alone and I should accept it. Being alone is something I excel at, probably more than others do. I am good at alone, I always anticipate that people leave and that is just how life works. Again, those inner demons are hard at work. Then I received pep talks from a few different people that know every bit of what I am going through. It quieted the demons down enough for me to throw myself into my work. I was able to finish the edit on Bad Origins, book five, and was able to make some corrections to Bad Witch Walking. I have started my research for book six and during all of this, out of nowhere poetry came pouring out of me. The poetry is very truthful of how I am feeling. It has been the only outlet I have had. It didn’t shut down the doubts I am feeling but it did help in many ways. Throwing myself into my writing has helped deal with some of the feelings that have plagued me this week. In some ways I know drowning myself in my work is not helping but sometimes you just need not to feel anything. You do need an outlet that will keep everything in your head quiet. Working on my manuscripts does that for me.
So what do you do when you are having a crisis of faith in yourself and in others? How do you quiet the demons that spread so much doubt in you? Just like last week I have no clue but I am hoping that through this blog post maybe I can find the answer. Focusing on something other than all of those doubts has helped to a point. It helps stop the doubts from turning into much more. Sitting around doing nothing just makes all those doubts loud and oppressive. Being productive in any task is helpful or at least I have found it is.
As much as I want to shut down and cut ties with everyone around me right now, I am realizing that does nothing but fuel those demons I am fighting. The demons are the ones that are saying you are better off alone and safer from heartbreak. In some ways they are right. If I am alone I have nothing to worry about, I can’t be hurt or left behind. I wouldn’t feel the way I do right now if I had just listened to them previously. The part where they are wrong is I would still be hurting and I will still be living with all of this self doubt. Allowing the demons to win still means I lose. I was reminded during those pep talks that I received that I am a fighter and I am very competitive. I am too stubborn or stupid or maybe a little bit of both to give up. I like to win too much to allow even my demons to win. So what do I do? How do I win against my own self destructive behavior? Well for one I have started saying a damn mantra. I won’t tell all of you what it is but anytime those demons start, I start chanting that mantra. It is quieting those doubts down for the time being but it doesn’t stop them entirely. I am also trying to remind myself just because others have screwed me over and walked out on me doesn’t mean everyone else will. It is a lesson I am praying I am able to learn. I am also praying I am right in putting my faith I have in certain individuals. It is very difficult for me to trust others and even more difficult to believe things will work out in my favor but I am trying.
So stay your course. Fight whatever demons you may be dealing with right now. Do everything in your power to keep believing in the good. Until next time!
It creates not just a crisis in faith in me but also in others. Right now, I am trying to fight those demons. I have a few friends who are currently going through what I am going through in my private life and one that is dealing with much worse. Due to these changes and our personal demons have created a distance between us as we all are trying to deal with our own problems. It makes the demons shout louder in my head; telling me, see you are alone. The first part of my week was spent fighting them back and I failed miserably. I spent the first few days fighting back tears and telling myself those demons are right and I am alone and I should accept it. Being alone is something I excel at, probably more than others do. I am good at alone, I always anticipate that people leave and that is just how life works. Again, those inner demons are hard at work. Then I received pep talks from a few different people that know every bit of what I am going through. It quieted the demons down enough for me to throw myself into my work. I was able to finish the edit on Bad Origins, book five, and was able to make some corrections to Bad Witch Walking. I have started my research for book six and during all of this, out of nowhere poetry came pouring out of me. The poetry is very truthful of how I am feeling. It has been the only outlet I have had. It didn’t shut down the doubts I am feeling but it did help in many ways. Throwing myself into my writing has helped deal with some of the feelings that have plagued me this week. In some ways I know drowning myself in my work is not helping but sometimes you just need not to feel anything. You do need an outlet that will keep everything in your head quiet. Working on my manuscripts does that for me.
So what do you do when you are having a crisis of faith in yourself and in others? How do you quiet the demons that spread so much doubt in you? Just like last week I have no clue but I am hoping that through this blog post maybe I can find the answer. Focusing on something other than all of those doubts has helped to a point. It helps stop the doubts from turning into much more. Sitting around doing nothing just makes all those doubts loud and oppressive. Being productive in any task is helpful or at least I have found it is.
As much as I want to shut down and cut ties with everyone around me right now, I am realizing that does nothing but fuel those demons I am fighting. The demons are the ones that are saying you are better off alone and safer from heartbreak. In some ways they are right. If I am alone I have nothing to worry about, I can’t be hurt or left behind. I wouldn’t feel the way I do right now if I had just listened to them previously. The part where they are wrong is I would still be hurting and I will still be living with all of this self doubt. Allowing the demons to win still means I lose. I was reminded during those pep talks that I received that I am a fighter and I am very competitive. I am too stubborn or stupid or maybe a little bit of both to give up. I like to win too much to allow even my demons to win. So what do I do? How do I win against my own self destructive behavior? Well for one I have started saying a damn mantra. I won’t tell all of you what it is but anytime those demons start, I start chanting that mantra. It is quieting those doubts down for the time being but it doesn’t stop them entirely. I am also trying to remind myself just because others have screwed me over and walked out on me doesn’t mean everyone else will. It is a lesson I am praying I am able to learn. I am also praying I am right in putting my faith I have in certain individuals. It is very difficult for me to trust others and even more difficult to believe things will work out in my favor but I am trying.
So stay your course. Fight whatever demons you may be dealing with right now. Do everything in your power to keep believing in the good. Until next time!
March 22, 2020
Patience My Friend
This week has been crazy for all of us. Right now my day job is on a break until April 17th as are many others. My family and I are all stuck together for twenty-four hours a day. I have to teach them, which is the most difficult thing as a parent you could imagine, and I am now looking for more income. You would think this “break” would mean I would be writing nonstop. In some ways I am. I do most of my work once my kids go to bed. I have gotten eighty pages edited this week. The problem is I’m going stir crazy. My patience is very low at this point and I just want what I want. I want out of the house. I want to get back to my job. I want to get to the next thing in my life. The problem is I can’t, at least not right now. I am not the most patient person. In fact, I think I am one of the least patient people there is. When I know what I want or what I need to do, I go for it. I push and push myself until I get there. The problem with that is life doesn’t always go the way you want it. Sometimes we have to find patience.
They say good things come to those who wait. I don’t know if that is true but right now I am hoping it’s true. I recently have had a major turn of events in my life. My life right now is changing all the time and at the same time it feels like not at all. One of the changes I am talking about is the fact that I have decided to end my marriage of fourteen years. I make very little money on my own but I am working towards getting a second job so I can afford a place for my kids and myself soon. I am ready to move to the next phase of my life. The problem is this is not a fast process. It is a slow, grueling process. I am required to make double the rent, for any of the places I can afford on a monthly basis. I want to start living my life for me and in some ways am restricted in doing so at this point. My state has started the shelter in place, which means I am limited to where I can go and what I can do. I have a laundry list of worries and I have no clue how to quiet the worries in my head. And at this point, I just feel like I am stuck. There is also the fact that I am trying to finish Bad Origins, so that it releases on time. I am feeling that pressure again. Each week we get closer to finishing the edit but there are those moments that I begin to wonder if the pages are multiplying. We get twenty or thirty pages done and I think great we are almost there. Then I look at the page number and think how do we still have so much to do? How are we not at the end yet? Is Savannah adding pages behind my back? All of this causes my level of impatience to rise. The question is what do I do to become more patient? What do I do to calm down all the worries? What do you do when you want everything all at once?
For me I whine and demand things for a short period of time and then I start making plans. I start planning out what I do first and start crunching numbers. I look at what I need to get accomplished and I start setting time tables for it all. Creating a plan makes me feel better and I feel more in control of what is happening around me. With everything being shut down, I fear some of my plans will have to wait. If things do not start to change, it may mean my plans will have to change. That stresses me out and makes me want to continue to push even harder. The thing is, I know what I want and I am at the point in my life that I want it now! The issue is life rarely works that way. I have to remind myself of that constantly. Patience is a lesson in life I am still learning. It is one that I have a difficult time grasping. I want to go, go, go and get to that goal I have set.
The only advice I have for you this week is take a breath. Remind yourself that it won’t always be like this. Good things will come as long as you keep your head up and keep going. Try to not focus on the negative or the negative feelings you have been feeling. Remember there will always be a turning point. Stay strong. Until next time!
They say good things come to those who wait. I don’t know if that is true but right now I am hoping it’s true. I recently have had a major turn of events in my life. My life right now is changing all the time and at the same time it feels like not at all. One of the changes I am talking about is the fact that I have decided to end my marriage of fourteen years. I make very little money on my own but I am working towards getting a second job so I can afford a place for my kids and myself soon. I am ready to move to the next phase of my life. The problem is this is not a fast process. It is a slow, grueling process. I am required to make double the rent, for any of the places I can afford on a monthly basis. I want to start living my life for me and in some ways am restricted in doing so at this point. My state has started the shelter in place, which means I am limited to where I can go and what I can do. I have a laundry list of worries and I have no clue how to quiet the worries in my head. And at this point, I just feel like I am stuck. There is also the fact that I am trying to finish Bad Origins, so that it releases on time. I am feeling that pressure again. Each week we get closer to finishing the edit but there are those moments that I begin to wonder if the pages are multiplying. We get twenty or thirty pages done and I think great we are almost there. Then I look at the page number and think how do we still have so much to do? How are we not at the end yet? Is Savannah adding pages behind my back? All of this causes my level of impatience to rise. The question is what do I do to become more patient? What do I do to calm down all the worries? What do you do when you want everything all at once?
For me I whine and demand things for a short period of time and then I start making plans. I start planning out what I do first and start crunching numbers. I look at what I need to get accomplished and I start setting time tables for it all. Creating a plan makes me feel better and I feel more in control of what is happening around me. With everything being shut down, I fear some of my plans will have to wait. If things do not start to change, it may mean my plans will have to change. That stresses me out and makes me want to continue to push even harder. The thing is, I know what I want and I am at the point in my life that I want it now! The issue is life rarely works that way. I have to remind myself of that constantly. Patience is a lesson in life I am still learning. It is one that I have a difficult time grasping. I want to go, go, go and get to that goal I have set.
The only advice I have for you this week is take a breath. Remind yourself that it won’t always be like this. Good things will come as long as you keep your head up and keep going. Try to not focus on the negative or the negative feelings you have been feeling. Remember there will always be a turning point. Stay strong. Until next time!
March 15, 2020
The Winds of Change
In the last two weeks my life has been changing. I can’t go into a lot of details but trust me when I say my life is completely changing from what I have known in the last several years. I am going to learn to live my life in a completely new way. Eventually, I will be able to share what is happening but for now I will have to be cryptic. In my opinion, all of these changes are good. They are leading me into the direction my life is meant to go. I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I want out of my life. I have cried a lot and been pretty pissed off. For the record the anger only served me a little while, the rest of the time it just wore me down. I have looked at the situation from all sides and I know what needs to be done.
The thing is these changes are ones that I did not see coming. A few of them I did. I knew they were on the horizon because of where I am in my life. The unexpected changes I didn’t foresee are ones that scare me the most, they are ones I felt I would never get to experience. They are changes that in some ways I never felt I was good enough to have. For that reason it terrifies me. The thing with change is it’s always scary because we are learning to leave the past behind and are having to learn to embrace a different life. A good friend of mine recently said to me most people fight change because it is easier to stay in the hell we know than dive into a new way of living. When he said this to me it made me think about what I have been doing, which has become a vicious cycle. It made me think about why we fight so hard against change.
Change is a natural part of life. We have to change throughout our lives because of a couple different reasons. The first reason is if we never allow change in our lives that means we are not growing. Change means we are growing and learning from our mistakes. To refuse change means we are doing the same thing, getting the same results. That is the exact definition of insanity. It gets you nowhere but keeps you in your own misery. Who wants to live that way? In my opinion, life is too short to be unhappy.
The other reason we do not accept change easily is we fear the unknown or maybe that’s just me. I know for me I always worry if I am making the right choice. See my decisions do not just affect me, they affect my kids as well. So if I make the wrong decision it’s not just my life I alter but theirs too. It terrifies me to the point that I cannot move, I stand still instead of embracing the changes or I did. The current changes in my life I have fully embraced. In fact I have run with them because I am tired of being in a bad place. I am tired of the difficulties and the pain it was causing me. I hit my limit and now I am making the necessary changes I need to make for me. With the new changes in my life, I am excited and nervous all at the same time. The thing is I know I am making the right choices. I know because I can feel it in my soul. I can feel the lightness in my body that my choices have created. My life and my children’s lives are going to improve with these changes.
Here’s the thing, the scariest changes are usually the ones you need the most. They are the ones that are going to change your life for the better. They are the ones you may have wished for but never thought you would get. Embrace change when you can. Do not stand still or fight it because you may end up missing out on a great opportunity. Great opportunities only come around once in a great while. To ignore them is foolishness. When life is pushing you towards change, follow it, you might just be pleasantly surprised with what you get from it. Until next time!
The thing is these changes are ones that I did not see coming. A few of them I did. I knew they were on the horizon because of where I am in my life. The unexpected changes I didn’t foresee are ones that scare me the most, they are ones I felt I would never get to experience. They are changes that in some ways I never felt I was good enough to have. For that reason it terrifies me. The thing with change is it’s always scary because we are learning to leave the past behind and are having to learn to embrace a different life. A good friend of mine recently said to me most people fight change because it is easier to stay in the hell we know than dive into a new way of living. When he said this to me it made me think about what I have been doing, which has become a vicious cycle. It made me think about why we fight so hard against change.
Change is a natural part of life. We have to change throughout our lives because of a couple different reasons. The first reason is if we never allow change in our lives that means we are not growing. Change means we are growing and learning from our mistakes. To refuse change means we are doing the same thing, getting the same results. That is the exact definition of insanity. It gets you nowhere but keeps you in your own misery. Who wants to live that way? In my opinion, life is too short to be unhappy.
The other reason we do not accept change easily is we fear the unknown or maybe that’s just me. I know for me I always worry if I am making the right choice. See my decisions do not just affect me, they affect my kids as well. So if I make the wrong decision it’s not just my life I alter but theirs too. It terrifies me to the point that I cannot move, I stand still instead of embracing the changes or I did. The current changes in my life I have fully embraced. In fact I have run with them because I am tired of being in a bad place. I am tired of the difficulties and the pain it was causing me. I hit my limit and now I am making the necessary changes I need to make for me. With the new changes in my life, I am excited and nervous all at the same time. The thing is I know I am making the right choices. I know because I can feel it in my soul. I can feel the lightness in my body that my choices have created. My life and my children’s lives are going to improve with these changes.
Here’s the thing, the scariest changes are usually the ones you need the most. They are the ones that are going to change your life for the better. They are the ones you may have wished for but never thought you would get. Embrace change when you can. Do not stand still or fight it because you may end up missing out on a great opportunity. Great opportunities only come around once in a great while. To ignore them is foolishness. When life is pushing you towards change, follow it, you might just be pleasantly surprised with what you get from it. Until next time!
March 8, 2020
Staying Busy
This week has been easier than the last Mind you in some aspects that’s not saying much. Editing has been continuing on two separate fronts by myself. I just went through all of Bad Karma making corrections to the manuscript and resubmitted it. I have gotten twenty-five more pages completed on book five. And I have less than a hundred pages to go on Bad Origins. The panic I was feeling weeks ago about Bad Origins has faded, which is a relief. I received the cover for Bad Origins this week, with three teasers. It all makes it so much more real than it did before. The panic over if I was going to finish editing this manuscript has slowly dissipated. The feeling of moving forward is present, makes me feel accomplished. It makes me start to look at what is next. Now I know I can’t move forward on any new manuscripts yet. I still have a lot of editing to do for book five. I still have two hundred pages to go for book five before I can start the manuscript for book six. Once the final edit of Bad Origins is complete, there will be a small break before we begin working on the next book. To say my plate is full is an understatement. I also plan to start working on my audio books. I am in the process of doing research on how to do it successfully. I am listening to different audio books as part of my research.
Sometimes when I think about my plans, I begin to worry that my plate may be too full. I have kids and a day job to worry about. I have karate for both kids, plus me and I work out everyday. The fact that I do all of that plus the stuff outside of my writing is crazy and makes even me question my sanity and how I do it all. It’s a lot of movement all the time with very little down time. I spend little time sitting around doing nothing. I am always bouncing from one thing to another. Truth be told even when I am sitting doing nothing, my brain is still working on what is next. It’s as if my brain cannot sit still. Maybe that is why I have insomnia during the weekends or when I have a break coming. It is my version of down time or maybe it’s my brain still wanting to work.
So why do I do all of this? Why do I keep myself obsessively busy? That is a good question that I’m not even sure I can answer but I’m going to try. I was raised with the thought that if you are going to do anything, do it well. Put forth every inch of effort you have. For me, that means working night and day on this dream of being a writer. It means I have to focus almost every part of me because if I don’t, then I can’t say I honestly tried. There are days I think boy I want a lazy day. I may even try. The problem is my brain is conditioned to work. So even when I try to take a day off or have some down time I can’t sit still. I need to keep going. I need to be working or doing something productive. I’m actually beginning to think that I am crazy because it is so difficult for me to sit still.
So what do you do? How do you learn to take the down time without jumping into work? The answer is by force. I have to force myself to take the breaks. They may only be a few hours but at least it’s something. I actually try to schedule my down time. For example, I made plans with my best friend. We are going out for a few hours, then I can come home and spend time with the kids. Once everyone is in bed, I can get some editing done. No it’s not a full day off. There is no way I can take one of those but I can at least take time off for a few hours before I start working at night. I have to get work completed otherwise, I feel like I have a burden on my shoulders and I feel it all week. That burden builds into panic. And I feel it until I make up for the work I failed to do.
Breaks are important. We have talked about this in the past. You have to have them or you will lose the joy of what you are doing. You have to decide how many breaks you need and how long they should be. For me, my breaks need to be small. I need to work daily to ensure my sanity is still intact, otherwise I feel a panic that may not be real for others but it is for me. Some would say you have to have a full day. That’s okay too. The only person who can decide what is right for you is you. Keep working hard. You do you and don’t worry about if anyone thinks you’re crazy. It’s okay we’re all a little mad in some way. Until next time!
Sometimes when I think about my plans, I begin to worry that my plate may be too full. I have kids and a day job to worry about. I have karate for both kids, plus me and I work out everyday. The fact that I do all of that plus the stuff outside of my writing is crazy and makes even me question my sanity and how I do it all. It’s a lot of movement all the time with very little down time. I spend little time sitting around doing nothing. I am always bouncing from one thing to another. Truth be told even when I am sitting doing nothing, my brain is still working on what is next. It’s as if my brain cannot sit still. Maybe that is why I have insomnia during the weekends or when I have a break coming. It is my version of down time or maybe it’s my brain still wanting to work.
So why do I do all of this? Why do I keep myself obsessively busy? That is a good question that I’m not even sure I can answer but I’m going to try. I was raised with the thought that if you are going to do anything, do it well. Put forth every inch of effort you have. For me, that means working night and day on this dream of being a writer. It means I have to focus almost every part of me because if I don’t, then I can’t say I honestly tried. There are days I think boy I want a lazy day. I may even try. The problem is my brain is conditioned to work. So even when I try to take a day off or have some down time I can’t sit still. I need to keep going. I need to be working or doing something productive. I’m actually beginning to think that I am crazy because it is so difficult for me to sit still.
So what do you do? How do you learn to take the down time without jumping into work? The answer is by force. I have to force myself to take the breaks. They may only be a few hours but at least it’s something. I actually try to schedule my down time. For example, I made plans with my best friend. We are going out for a few hours, then I can come home and spend time with the kids. Once everyone is in bed, I can get some editing done. No it’s not a full day off. There is no way I can take one of those but I can at least take time off for a few hours before I start working at night. I have to get work completed otherwise, I feel like I have a burden on my shoulders and I feel it all week. That burden builds into panic. And I feel it until I make up for the work I failed to do.
Breaks are important. We have talked about this in the past. You have to have them or you will lose the joy of what you are doing. You have to decide how many breaks you need and how long they should be. For me, my breaks need to be small. I need to work daily to ensure my sanity is still intact, otherwise I feel a panic that may not be real for others but it is for me. Some would say you have to have a full day. That’s okay too. The only person who can decide what is right for you is you. Keep working hard. You do you and don’t worry about if anyone thinks you’re crazy. It’s okay we’re all a little mad in some way. Until next time!
