Finding Outlets

I have talked a lot about personal crap that I have been dealing with in the last few weeks. This lock down we are all experiencing is in some ways forcing many of us to take a hard look at our situations and ourselves. I know I have been and I have been working on some serious personal growth while I work three jobs. Hopefully, one day I will have a job that pays me well enough that I only need one instead of three. With this lock down not only have we been forced to look at ourselves but in some ways going a little stir crazy or at least I have. Personal growth is difficult enough especially when you are fighting your demons and trying to kill them one by one. To be forced to stay inside and not see others, not have contact with people that you are close with makes all of this ten times harder. In some ways it makes the whole personal growth thing even more difficult because those people we are closest to are the ones that help us through the tough times.

With that said you would think I would be getting writing done and making a ton of progress. I mean I am working more jobs and teaching my kids but I should have at least a few hours a day to bust out page after page on book six. How I wish this was true? I do sit at the computer for at least an hour a day but the problem is my own personal crap has been getting in the way. As much as I wish I could shut all of it down and get to my work, that I am passionate about, done, I can’t. I sit down at my computer and the most I am getting done is seven or eight pages, if I’m lucky. Right now, I have the first sixty pages completed of book six and for me that number is low to what I normally get done when I am drafting. The fact that I’m not farther pisses me off at me. I am a professional writer. I should have mastered how to shut the bullcrap of my life out by now. This should be easier by now. Mind you I have a few new issues that are taking up head space but come on. The one thing I have always been good at is compartmentalizing. It is how I have gotten through some of the worst moments in my life. Unfortunately for me, it is not working as well. It is one of the reasons it has made all of this more difficult and staying hopeful more difficult.

So what do you do? How do you shut down the crazy when you can’t leave your home and you can’t see your support system? I am not sure I am the best person to answer that but I am going to try. The first thing you need to do is be able to recognize when the crazy is coming out. Sometimes we just don’t even see our crazy until it’s too late to put it back in the bag. Once I see the crazy is out of the bag, I do what I can to push it back. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I say let my crazy flag fly because it’s easier, and other times I am successful. This past week I failed to keep a handle on my crazy. I get these feelings that giving up would just be easier, safer. Giving up would mean I wouldn’t have to work multiple jobs and not getting my heart broken. Giving up is something I am familiar with. It is something I understand. The question then becomes how is it serving me? Is it teaching me anything? Am I growing? The answer to all of that is no. So that means I have to make a choice to give up or keep going. It is a hard choice to make but as of now I am going to keep going.

The next part in this is to realize when you are in need of something else. For me this week writing was hard. I had some success the week before but then it all came crashing down this week. Fighting yourself makes the creative side of the brain stop functioning. So I am now trying to find other outlets. For me working out is one of my outlets. I walk four miles almost everyday, it is the one activity that I can do outside that isn’t work. It means my mind gets to dive into whatever it wants to and I can let it have free rein. Sometimes that walk helps more than anyone or anything. The other thing I do is drown myself in music. For me, music is a savior just as writing is. It is a form of art I can sink into. I can put music on and sing my heart out and let all the pain and crazy I am feeling out. I wish I had less stage fright because I would find ways to perform but I have terrible stage fright when it comes to singing. Dancing also helps when things get too rough. I go with the early Grey’s Anatomy days and dance it out. Sometimes it’s just me dancing, other times it’s with my daughter or the student I tutor. Either way I blast music and I just let it out that way. The newest outlet I am finding is still in writing but in a different form. I have never been a poetry writer. It is not a skill I have but I have been working on some poetry in order to get a handle on things. I have put some out on my personal social media and if I get better at it I may turn it into a book, I have an image in my head of what it will look like. The poetry helps me say what I am feeling without any judgement. It helps me be able to feel, and express my dark thoughts, which I don’t like to do when I am in a dark place.

Find those other outlets that you can do on your own. Find ways to create a support system within yourself. I wish I could say that when this is all over we will get to go back to normal life but I am not sure we will or at least not anytime soon. Stay strong. Until next time!