Transforming

This week was exciting because Bad Origins was finally completed. I was able to get all of the copies out to my ARC readers and set the book up on Draft 2 Digital for release at the end of the month. Everytime I finish a book there is this sense of accomplishment. This one is different, the sense of accomplishment was greater than my other books. The reason for that is while writing this book I was going through my own transformation. While writing this book, I was dealing with a lot of personal issues. I was at a point in my marriage that I was not sure I could keep going. I was looking at going back to work for the first time in eleven years and I was dealing with looking at what I really wanted in life. I wrote the book and was very unsure of the book. I sat after finishing it, questioning if I had gone too far or if I had made a few bad judgement calls. Maybe I needed to cut some of the book. I waited two weeks, doing some work on book four before I did the first edit of the book. I read the entire book, made the necessary changes and then realized that this book was amazing. It was better than the first two books. It was a shocking realization but one that elated me. During this book, Savannah is going through a number of transitions and dealing with her past. In some ways, I was doing the same thing. I mean I wasn’t dealing with life or death situations but I was dealing with what I had avoided for a number of years: my happiness. I was dealing with my efforts to lose the weight I had put on over the years. I was looking at myself and the decisions I had made that had gotten me to this point and I was starting to see how unhappy I was in every aspect of my life. With that I started looking at what needed to change. The change that needed to happen had to start with me. I needed to change my attitude and my perception of who I am and who I wanted to be. I spent many years hiding because it was easier to not be more than a mom. It was easier to do for my family and not for myself. I felt like it was my duty as mom to only focus on them. The problem with that is I broke myself down to do it. I gave up everything to make others happy at the cost of me. As I wrote this book, I started to look at what I wanted. I wanted to be more than mom. I wanted to be healthy, I wanted to be independent, and I wanted to be who I was meant to be. I wanted to be a writer and be able to take care of me and my children. I wanted to be happy and be me. I wanted to be able to listen to my music and dance around. I wanted to be with someone who thought my writing was as special as they thought I was.

Slowly during the process of writing Bad Origins, I began to grow and change. I began to find me again. During this growth I realized that being in my marriage was not what I wanted anymore. I was with a person who didn’t like who I was becoming. As I finished the final edit on Bad Origins, I made a decision. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made but it was one I knew that was right for me and also my family. I made the choice to end my marriage.

I have said it before and I will say it again and again, writing saved my life. Savannah and her people pulled me from a dark hole I had no clue I was even in until I started this journey. Am I completely whole and healed? No, I am a work in progress. I am battling my demons and on the road to recovery daily. I sometimes think I should just give up everything. How much easier it would be? But then that means I lose myself once more and I don’t want that. For the first time in my life, I see what I want and I am trying to find the strength and the courage to go for it. This transformation has not just been seen in my life but in my writing. I am starting a second series, and I am looking at co-writing with another author. I am also diving into poetry, which is a first for me. I can see how the book should look, now I just need an artist and a lot more poetry. I have never been a poetry writer before but I am finding it has been a great outlet for my emotions.

Writing is a gift just like any other talent. It takes time and energy to hone your craft. It is also a piece of your soul. Any art, whether you are a musician, a painter, a sculptor, writer, etcetera, requires you to leave a piece behind. The art you create is a part of who you are. For me Savannah is real but she is also a piece of who I am, just as Meri is, and Santiago. Take time to continue to grow. Take time to be who you truly want to be. Don’t let others discourage you or tell you can’t. Do you, be you. Until next time!