Sammantha Anderson's Blog, page 2
July 19, 2020
Organization
This week has been about getting organized. I am back on track for my online training. Day by day I am getting lessons done and hopefully in the next few weeks I will be done and can test for my certification as a Registered Behavioral Technician. As many of you know I am not just a mom and a writer I work with special needs children with behavioral issues. During the Covid shutdown, I discovered how much I love my day job. I would love to write full-time but it’s not an option at this time in my life. Being able to work with special needs children is one of the highlights of my life. It is a demanding job that brings new challenges everyday. I like the challenge of trying to figure out how to work with certain kids and help them to be able to become part of society. Eventually I will be able to branch out into the private sector where I will make more money but for now I work at a public school.
Getting back on track with my training has made me start to look at how to get back on track with my writing as well. I had plans on finishing book six this summer and have not been able to do so. Part of it has been because of my training. The other part of it is I have not had access to my story boards or my desk. I am getting a divorce and at this time my ex and I are still living together. Our lease is not up until February and I can’t afford a place on my own as of yet. I sleep in my living room that I am now sharing with my mom and we share a closet with my kids and a bathroom. My house for the last two weeks has been total chaos. Truthfully, chaos has been an understatement. My desk has been in my ex’s room with my storyboards, I have been trying to write this book with no layout or ability to create cards as I normally do. It has made me crazy and is one of the reasons I am struggling with this book. All week I have been trying to write and have failed by epic proportions. Between my kids, training, and my mom I have not been able to write more than seven pages this week. I would get on a roll and someone would interrupt me with something. I finally at one point said you all win. The frustration I have felt this week has led me to try and figure out how I fix what is wrong. How do I get my storyboards, and desk into the living space I am sharing with my mom? I have been questioning this for a week when it hit me. I live in a small two bedroom apartment. The dining room table had become a catch all mostly because I live in the living room. So I decided to make a change. I decided the first thing to do was get the damn table cleaned off and move it to storage. Most people do spring cleaning, I did summer cleaning. I spent two hours cleaning off the table organizing things and placing the table into storage. I then made the bold move and moved my desk into the dining room. It forced us to organize my mom’s stuff a bit more and made room for my writing. As soon as I had one of my storyboards and my desk in place I felt better. It was like a piece of me was missing and I have reconnected with it. My other two story boards will be moved tomorrow and I will have all the pieces of the puzzle together.
The next step after moving my desk came: how do I fix the problems with this book? As I sat looking at my desk I realized I knew what I needed to do. I need to spend a day or two creating my layout. I need to write out all of my chapter cards and see where to go next. I have spent weeks trying to figure out what I was going to do. I felt like I was letting Savannah, myself, and my readers down. The fact that the answer to all of this was as simple as moving my desk and storyboards is sad. I should have realized it months ago but I didn’t.
I was wrapped up in trying to figure out how I was going to survive financially on my own. I was working three jobs, I was teaching my kids, and I was lost in the chaos. We still have more to organize but I feel like we are on the right track.
Take the time when you are lost in the chaos of life. Look at all the sides of the puzzle and do not just make it work, figure out how all of the pieces fit together. Sometimes we need certain items in front of you in order to feel productive. For me, I need my desk and storyboards. Find the thing or item you need that helps you be productive. Until next time!
Getting back on track with my training has made me start to look at how to get back on track with my writing as well. I had plans on finishing book six this summer and have not been able to do so. Part of it has been because of my training. The other part of it is I have not had access to my story boards or my desk. I am getting a divorce and at this time my ex and I are still living together. Our lease is not up until February and I can’t afford a place on my own as of yet. I sleep in my living room that I am now sharing with my mom and we share a closet with my kids and a bathroom. My house for the last two weeks has been total chaos. Truthfully, chaos has been an understatement. My desk has been in my ex’s room with my storyboards, I have been trying to write this book with no layout or ability to create cards as I normally do. It has made me crazy and is one of the reasons I am struggling with this book. All week I have been trying to write and have failed by epic proportions. Between my kids, training, and my mom I have not been able to write more than seven pages this week. I would get on a roll and someone would interrupt me with something. I finally at one point said you all win. The frustration I have felt this week has led me to try and figure out how I fix what is wrong. How do I get my storyboards, and desk into the living space I am sharing with my mom? I have been questioning this for a week when it hit me. I live in a small two bedroom apartment. The dining room table had become a catch all mostly because I live in the living room. So I decided to make a change. I decided the first thing to do was get the damn table cleaned off and move it to storage. Most people do spring cleaning, I did summer cleaning. I spent two hours cleaning off the table organizing things and placing the table into storage. I then made the bold move and moved my desk into the dining room. It forced us to organize my mom’s stuff a bit more and made room for my writing. As soon as I had one of my storyboards and my desk in place I felt better. It was like a piece of me was missing and I have reconnected with it. My other two story boards will be moved tomorrow and I will have all the pieces of the puzzle together.
The next step after moving my desk came: how do I fix the problems with this book? As I sat looking at my desk I realized I knew what I needed to do. I need to spend a day or two creating my layout. I need to write out all of my chapter cards and see where to go next. I have spent weeks trying to figure out what I was going to do. I felt like I was letting Savannah, myself, and my readers down. The fact that the answer to all of this was as simple as moving my desk and storyboards is sad. I should have realized it months ago but I didn’t.
I was wrapped up in trying to figure out how I was going to survive financially on my own. I was working three jobs, I was teaching my kids, and I was lost in the chaos. We still have more to organize but I feel like we are on the right track.
Take the time when you are lost in the chaos of life. Look at all the sides of the puzzle and do not just make it work, figure out how all of the pieces fit together. Sometimes we need certain items in front of you in order to feel productive. For me, I need my desk and storyboards. Find the thing or item you need that helps you be productive. Until next time!
July 13, 2020
Chaos
Sorry about my tardiness for the last two weeks. I have spent most of the week recovering from the 18 hour drive from California to Colorado. I am also playing catch up on my online class I am taking as well.
This week has also been filled with trials for me as well. The first of them was adjusting to my mom being here permanently. This is a big change for the both of us. She has lived without kids for the last three years. She and I have spent the last three years only seeing one another once a year and talking on the phone. Now that she is here we are both having to adjust.
On top of that I have had a realization about a friend of mine. When I say friend I mean it in the loosest of terms possible. She and I started out as pretty good friends and I have learned a few things I don’t like about her. It came to a point that I began to think maybe it was time to cut her loose. That was until I had a conversation with her oldest daughter. Her oldest daughter has a lot of responsibility that should not be placed on her. She feels alone and that she is crazy. I know all too well both of those feelings. What I learned in this conversation was not just what is going on with this kid but why her mother was brought into my life. The reason is because of this teenager. Last week I talked about how I adopt people into my family. Well I have found another lost soul that needs a safe haven and as always I have offered her a place to turn to when she needs it. I am confident she will slowly be spending more of her time with me. There is something about this girl that reminds me of me at that age. I am hoping that I am able to be there for her.
I was also met with other trials this week. One of them having to do with matters of the heart. That trial I am unsure if it is over or just getting started. Part of me wants to say that it’s done. It's easier to wash my hands of the situation than to hope that it will work out in my favor. The other side of me, the romantic side or the Santiago side says just wait. Something is coming and when it does it will change everything. A couple of weeks ago I thought I knew what the universe was telling me, now I am completely confused in more ways than one. I am trying to listen to the universe but right now she is sending mixed messages and it is pissing me off. The unknown is what I am facing at this point.
The last trial I faced this week has been my writing. With all of the changes I am dealing with I am finding it difficult to get more than a few hours in a day. It is a challenge for me to get more than four pages a day done. I have days where I get more done than others and I tell myself that I will be fine but I am frustrated with my progress or what I feel is a lack of progress.
So what do I do about all I am enduring at this point? I could wash my hands of all the distractions? I could try harder to do more writing? I could maybe look at my schedule to see if there is a way to improve it? All of those ideas are valid ideas but I am not sure any of them will do the job. Here’s what I am learning at this point in my life. The first is some people need your help. I could decide not to help any others or give them a safe haven but I believe if you have the opportunity to change a life you should. Letting someone who needs a friend or a family drown just isn’t okay. I don’t have a lot in terms of money but I do have plenty to give when it comes to support. What I am having to learn is how not just to balance my life everyday but how to also get what I need in. I would love to go back to writing everyday all day. I miss those days where I got to hang out with Savannah and her family without a concern for other things. My life has dramatically changed from those days. I am glad that it has because I am a happier person. At this point I need to be okay with getting only a few hours a day in. Eventually my life will calm down enough that I can go back to spending more time with Savannah for now she gets a few hours a day. I am spending more time with my kids. I am ensuring I am staying healthy and because I was able to get a little creative I was able to go back to karate. Mind you, I have to drive farther to the dojo but I get to train. It’s an exciting prospect.
Sometimes we have to accept the way things are. We can try to force things to be different but there are some things that we cannot change. For me the chaos known as my life right now can’t be changed. I have to learn to embrace the chaos instead of fighting it. I am a person that schedules every part of my day, I am always early to appointments, and I like to know what’s coming. Chaos and the unknown are terrifying for me. I am beginning to think part of my lesson in my life is how to embrace both of those things without assuming that only bad is coming or I am going to fail. I thought my lesson in patience was going to be the only lesson I would have to face but it seems I was wrong. For the record, I am still dealing with the lesson of patience. I am pretty confident I am failing that one pretty hard.
Do what you can to continue to learn in life. Life is about growing and learning. It is about being better than you started out. Continue to find your way through the chaos without going too crazy. Until next time!
This week has also been filled with trials for me as well. The first of them was adjusting to my mom being here permanently. This is a big change for the both of us. She has lived without kids for the last three years. She and I have spent the last three years only seeing one another once a year and talking on the phone. Now that she is here we are both having to adjust.
On top of that I have had a realization about a friend of mine. When I say friend I mean it in the loosest of terms possible. She and I started out as pretty good friends and I have learned a few things I don’t like about her. It came to a point that I began to think maybe it was time to cut her loose. That was until I had a conversation with her oldest daughter. Her oldest daughter has a lot of responsibility that should not be placed on her. She feels alone and that she is crazy. I know all too well both of those feelings. What I learned in this conversation was not just what is going on with this kid but why her mother was brought into my life. The reason is because of this teenager. Last week I talked about how I adopt people into my family. Well I have found another lost soul that needs a safe haven and as always I have offered her a place to turn to when she needs it. I am confident she will slowly be spending more of her time with me. There is something about this girl that reminds me of me at that age. I am hoping that I am able to be there for her.
I was also met with other trials this week. One of them having to do with matters of the heart. That trial I am unsure if it is over or just getting started. Part of me wants to say that it’s done. It's easier to wash my hands of the situation than to hope that it will work out in my favor. The other side of me, the romantic side or the Santiago side says just wait. Something is coming and when it does it will change everything. A couple of weeks ago I thought I knew what the universe was telling me, now I am completely confused in more ways than one. I am trying to listen to the universe but right now she is sending mixed messages and it is pissing me off. The unknown is what I am facing at this point.
The last trial I faced this week has been my writing. With all of the changes I am dealing with I am finding it difficult to get more than a few hours in a day. It is a challenge for me to get more than four pages a day done. I have days where I get more done than others and I tell myself that I will be fine but I am frustrated with my progress or what I feel is a lack of progress.
So what do I do about all I am enduring at this point? I could wash my hands of all the distractions? I could try harder to do more writing? I could maybe look at my schedule to see if there is a way to improve it? All of those ideas are valid ideas but I am not sure any of them will do the job. Here’s what I am learning at this point in my life. The first is some people need your help. I could decide not to help any others or give them a safe haven but I believe if you have the opportunity to change a life you should. Letting someone who needs a friend or a family drown just isn’t okay. I don’t have a lot in terms of money but I do have plenty to give when it comes to support. What I am having to learn is how not just to balance my life everyday but how to also get what I need in. I would love to go back to writing everyday all day. I miss those days where I got to hang out with Savannah and her family without a concern for other things. My life has dramatically changed from those days. I am glad that it has because I am a happier person. At this point I need to be okay with getting only a few hours a day in. Eventually my life will calm down enough that I can go back to spending more time with Savannah for now she gets a few hours a day. I am spending more time with my kids. I am ensuring I am staying healthy and because I was able to get a little creative I was able to go back to karate. Mind you, I have to drive farther to the dojo but I get to train. It’s an exciting prospect.
Sometimes we have to accept the way things are. We can try to force things to be different but there are some things that we cannot change. For me the chaos known as my life right now can’t be changed. I have to learn to embrace the chaos instead of fighting it. I am a person that schedules every part of my day, I am always early to appointments, and I like to know what’s coming. Chaos and the unknown are terrifying for me. I am beginning to think part of my lesson in my life is how to embrace both of those things without assuming that only bad is coming or I am going to fail. I thought my lesson in patience was going to be the only lesson I would have to face but it seems I was wrong. For the record, I am still dealing with the lesson of patience. I am pretty confident I am failing that one pretty hard.
Do what you can to continue to learn in life. Life is about growing and learning. It is about being better than you started out. Continue to find your way through the chaos without going too crazy. Until next time!
July 6, 2020
The Family We Choose
First off, I want to say sorry that this is late. I spent my weekend driving from California to Colorado. It has been a long and busy weekend.
This week I have been less productive but it was more by choice and lack of time. My twenty year old daughter, Jazzy came to visit us for a week and I decided to spend time with my kids instead of writing. Don’t get me wrong I wrote everyday she was here, but most days it was only a few pages. The week was fun and in some ways an experience. I wrote last week about the universe talking to you. Well this week the universe is still talking to me and I am listening even more. Mind you, I am wondering if I have misread the signs but I don’t think so. This week was an eye opener in terms of what I have accomplished in my life. Up until now I haven’t felt like I have accomplished much in my life. Getting a divorce is an accomplishment in many ways because I have been living in hell for far too long. I also have two college degrees and in some ways that is a small accomplishment. Outside of those things, I feel like I haven’t done much up until this point. My daughter coming to visit has shown me otherwise.
Let me explain. Jazzy is my adoptive daughter. I have not legally adopted her but in my heart and every other way I have. She was a kid that lived across the street from my mom and doesn’t have the best birth parents. When she was fourteen I began to call her my daughter. I try to encourage her, I try to make sure she knows how beautiful and special she is, and I always make sure she knows she has a home with me no matter where I live. I would move heaven and hell for her, just as I would for my own kids. What I realized while Jazzy was here is that my influence has rubbed off on her. I see it in the way she takes no bullshit from anyone, including her parents. I see her acts of kindness towards others and the fact that she tells me a lot more than she tells her birth parents. When she was younger we had fun together and I was an authority figure. I was the person that was always on her about her school work and how she behaved. We would go places like amusement parks or to get food or just hang out and watch movies. We always found a way to have fun on a kid level.
Now that she is an adult, our conversations are very different. Our conversations are open and honest and very adult. We get to do more adult stuff than kid stuff also. It is amazing to see how much the girl I knew has grown into an adult. I also saw how much my kids, I gave birth to, love her. They spent the week introducing her as their big sister. The pride that Jazzy felt was clear in the way she smiled and held her head up a little higher. It made my heart soar when she said she was thinking about having me adopt her legally. We are currently talking about it and the idea is under consideration from both of us. If we do go the legal route, I will let all of you know how it goes. We also will be doing adoption pictures because why not?
Here is what I learned from this past week. When you have the opportunity to adopt someone into your family do so. I have adopted two kids who I am extremely proud of. My daughter Mari is smart, beautiful, and takes no bullshit either. They both are loved by me just as I love my own two kids. I have also adopted one of my best friends as my sister. So now I have two nieces, which as someone who was raised as an only child, I thought I would never get to have someone call me aunt. For the record, I’m the fun aunt who puts on concerts for my six year old niece when she asks for them. I am the aunt that sugars them up and lets them run around screaming and being loud. I am also the aunt that pulls out the mom voice if they cross the line in terms of their attitudes.
Accomplishments happen in more than one form. If you can improve a kid's life do so. If you can make someone know what it’s like to feel like family do so. Those things change lives and not just for the other person but for you as well. My family is a hodgepodge of people. A few who are blood and a lot that I have adopted over the years. They say you can’t choose your family but I disagree. I believe you can choose your family and you should. You should surround yourself with people who love and support you. You should surround yourself with people that fit into the future you want. Until next time!
This week I have been less productive but it was more by choice and lack of time. My twenty year old daughter, Jazzy came to visit us for a week and I decided to spend time with my kids instead of writing. Don’t get me wrong I wrote everyday she was here, but most days it was only a few pages. The week was fun and in some ways an experience. I wrote last week about the universe talking to you. Well this week the universe is still talking to me and I am listening even more. Mind you, I am wondering if I have misread the signs but I don’t think so. This week was an eye opener in terms of what I have accomplished in my life. Up until now I haven’t felt like I have accomplished much in my life. Getting a divorce is an accomplishment in many ways because I have been living in hell for far too long. I also have two college degrees and in some ways that is a small accomplishment. Outside of those things, I feel like I haven’t done much up until this point. My daughter coming to visit has shown me otherwise.
Let me explain. Jazzy is my adoptive daughter. I have not legally adopted her but in my heart and every other way I have. She was a kid that lived across the street from my mom and doesn’t have the best birth parents. When she was fourteen I began to call her my daughter. I try to encourage her, I try to make sure she knows how beautiful and special she is, and I always make sure she knows she has a home with me no matter where I live. I would move heaven and hell for her, just as I would for my own kids. What I realized while Jazzy was here is that my influence has rubbed off on her. I see it in the way she takes no bullshit from anyone, including her parents. I see her acts of kindness towards others and the fact that she tells me a lot more than she tells her birth parents. When she was younger we had fun together and I was an authority figure. I was the person that was always on her about her school work and how she behaved. We would go places like amusement parks or to get food or just hang out and watch movies. We always found a way to have fun on a kid level.
Now that she is an adult, our conversations are very different. Our conversations are open and honest and very adult. We get to do more adult stuff than kid stuff also. It is amazing to see how much the girl I knew has grown into an adult. I also saw how much my kids, I gave birth to, love her. They spent the week introducing her as their big sister. The pride that Jazzy felt was clear in the way she smiled and held her head up a little higher. It made my heart soar when she said she was thinking about having me adopt her legally. We are currently talking about it and the idea is under consideration from both of us. If we do go the legal route, I will let all of you know how it goes. We also will be doing adoption pictures because why not?
Here is what I learned from this past week. When you have the opportunity to adopt someone into your family do so. I have adopted two kids who I am extremely proud of. My daughter Mari is smart, beautiful, and takes no bullshit either. They both are loved by me just as I love my own two kids. I have also adopted one of my best friends as my sister. So now I have two nieces, which as someone who was raised as an only child, I thought I would never get to have someone call me aunt. For the record, I’m the fun aunt who puts on concerts for my six year old niece when she asks for them. I am the aunt that sugars them up and lets them run around screaming and being loud. I am also the aunt that pulls out the mom voice if they cross the line in terms of their attitudes.
Accomplishments happen in more than one form. If you can improve a kid's life do so. If you can make someone know what it’s like to feel like family do so. Those things change lives and not just for the other person but for you as well. My family is a hodgepodge of people. A few who are blood and a lot that I have adopted over the years. They say you can’t choose your family but I disagree. I believe you can choose your family and you should. You should surround yourself with people who love and support you. You should surround yourself with people that fit into the future you want. Until next time!
June 28, 2020
Lessons In Hope
This week has been crazy. I have been dealing with an issue regarding my new car. That took up most of my week, which took away from a few things I needed to get done. The bright side is I have been writing more, which is a good thing. Not only have I been writing more but the quality of the writing is better overall. I still have a long way to go for book six but the steady improvement is making me hopeful. This week also brought one of my daughters to visit for my now twelve year old daughter’s birthday. We have been celebrating all weekend and by the time we are done I am going to need a day of rest and recover. For the most part, this blog post is going to be short. I am going to go enjoy The Wolf Experience with my kids. My twenty year old and I have been having fun the last few days as well.
I have had a few conversations this week with different people about hope. Truthfully, I have been given pep talks and I am not sure how I feel about the pep talks. I think I need to go back to a couple weeks ago. I was feeling antsy as you all know. One night I couldn’t take being in the house any longer so I jumped in my car and drove around. I felt like I needed to be somewhere but couldn’t figure out where. I drove for an hour and still couldn’t figure out where I was supposed to be. In some ways, it was frustrating because I knew life was trying to tell me something but I couldn’t figure out what. On the other hand, by the time I came home I felt a little better. Once I got home, I jumped on the computer and started working. As I sat working I felt I needed to check on a friend. I can’t go into a lot of details at this point but I discovered something that confused me and gave me hope.
Now I need to explain something about me. I am a plan for the worst case scenario kind of girl. When I checked on this friend I felt hope, which I quickly dismissed. I reminded myself that it doesn’t change the situation. I went back to work and tried to forget what I had learned. For the last two weeks, I have felt like the universe has been talking to me. I have been feeling like something is coming, not in a bad way but definitely as if things are about to change in my life once more. With that has come pep talks from a few friends, all of them about hope and believing in what I think is the impossible. Even my playlist seems to be speaking to me. It doesn’t matter how many times I shuffle the list, the songs that play seem to point in a specific direction. For me music is like breathing, I need it in my life everyday and as often as possible. So the fact that my music has been saying the same things my friends are saying, makes it difficult for me to fight my building hope. I dare say I am changing enough that I am starting to believe there is hope. That feeling scares the crap out of me.
Here is what I am learning in all of this. The first is a lesson I actually learned a year ago, you should always want to keep growing and changing. If you don’t, you become complacent with life and that is never good. The other lesson I am learning is when the universe is talking to you, shut up and listen. Now maybe I’m crazy. That is completely possible. Hell, I have been called that by more than one individual over the years. There have been too many signs pointing in a specific direction for me to ignore, no matter how much I want to try to ignore them.
I don’t know if this situation will pan out. I hope with all my heart that it does but only time will tell. I promise if things work out in my favor I will share all of the grueling details with you. You guys have earned it. Until next time!
I have had a few conversations this week with different people about hope. Truthfully, I have been given pep talks and I am not sure how I feel about the pep talks. I think I need to go back to a couple weeks ago. I was feeling antsy as you all know. One night I couldn’t take being in the house any longer so I jumped in my car and drove around. I felt like I needed to be somewhere but couldn’t figure out where. I drove for an hour and still couldn’t figure out where I was supposed to be. In some ways, it was frustrating because I knew life was trying to tell me something but I couldn’t figure out what. On the other hand, by the time I came home I felt a little better. Once I got home, I jumped on the computer and started working. As I sat working I felt I needed to check on a friend. I can’t go into a lot of details at this point but I discovered something that confused me and gave me hope.
Now I need to explain something about me. I am a plan for the worst case scenario kind of girl. When I checked on this friend I felt hope, which I quickly dismissed. I reminded myself that it doesn’t change the situation. I went back to work and tried to forget what I had learned. For the last two weeks, I have felt like the universe has been talking to me. I have been feeling like something is coming, not in a bad way but definitely as if things are about to change in my life once more. With that has come pep talks from a few friends, all of them about hope and believing in what I think is the impossible. Even my playlist seems to be speaking to me. It doesn’t matter how many times I shuffle the list, the songs that play seem to point in a specific direction. For me music is like breathing, I need it in my life everyday and as often as possible. So the fact that my music has been saying the same things my friends are saying, makes it difficult for me to fight my building hope. I dare say I am changing enough that I am starting to believe there is hope. That feeling scares the crap out of me.
Here is what I am learning in all of this. The first is a lesson I actually learned a year ago, you should always want to keep growing and changing. If you don’t, you become complacent with life and that is never good. The other lesson I am learning is when the universe is talking to you, shut up and listen. Now maybe I’m crazy. That is completely possible. Hell, I have been called that by more than one individual over the years. There have been too many signs pointing in a specific direction for me to ignore, no matter how much I want to try to ignore them.
I don’t know if this situation will pan out. I hope with all my heart that it does but only time will tell. I promise if things work out in my favor I will share all of the grueling details with you. You guys have earned it. Until next time!
June 21, 2020
Life Changes
This week has gone better than the week before. I am starting to find a schedule that works and I am gearing up for a turn around trip from Southern California back to Colorado with my mother. This week I was able to finish a little more than twenty pages. The progress was not as good as I wanted but it is getting better. At this point in life I am going through monumental changes in my life. With those changes comes healing. I am working on healing the pain and sorrow of my past, while at the same time embracing new changes. This week’s blog is going to be about two people I recently met and what I am learning.
Within the last two weeks I have met two amazing people. The first was a female Rabbi that I met at the park while hanging out with one of my best friends. We took our kids to the park and while playing with the kids we struck up a conversation with two women as they walked their dog. This woman was extraordinary. She is a chaplain for search and rescue teams. She has a dog that is half wolf, who works with search and rescue and she has survived some major traumas in her life. She is also an author. She is a smart, kind and talented woman. She is someone I would love to be friends with. Unfortunately for me, she was just asked to move to France where she will be working as a Rabbi. The fortunate side of this is I got to spend an hour talking to her. One of the things we spoke about was change and how to embrace it. How sometimes the hardest thing to do is force a change within ourselves in order to improve our lives. She was in an abusive relationship a few years ago and got herself out. She left her husband and started over with nothing. She spent the first few months in a deep depression and found the strength to do something with her experience and wrote a book not just about her experience but how to come out of it better than before. Talking to this woman was a great experience and one that I will carry with me forever.
The other person I met lives in my apartment building. I live in a large apartment complex, so it’s not that abnormal for me to not really know my neighbors well and say hi in passing. This neighbor walks the same trail as I do and we always say hi and joke in passing. Last weekend he saw me and said meet me out front of our building next Sunday 8:15am and I agreed. What I didn’t realize was I was about to make a friend, one that I can talk to for hours about a number of different topics. He is an intelligent man that is easy to talk to. He is also an author. He has written a few nonfiction books and is in the process of writing a sci-fi fiction series. He has been through his own trials in life but talking to him is enjoyable.
So what have I gained from both of these individuals? The first thing is a new friend. The second is some perspective. Right now every aspect of my life is changing. I am newly single, I am about to move my mother out to Colorado so we will be living together and I am starting to work on not just my writing career but my future career in ABA therapy. My life is changing at warp speed and it is causing me to not only doubt myself but my skills. It is part of the reason I am struggling with my writing. What I am noticing in the last two weeks is that I am getting more comfortable with the changes that are coming. I am finding confidence in the life I am working towards. That confidence is drawing others to me. Individuals who are engaging and I enjoy talking to. People who make me think, which in my opinion, are the best conversations. With the surge in confidence my demons come out to play making me question things about myself. It is one of those things I am battling and eventually I will master.
The changes that I am facing currently are all about growing. I am growing as a human being. I am working towards a better and happier life. I have had several people tell me I am doing this wrong or that wrong. I have had many opinions about my life and what I should or shouldn’t do. The truth is, I am doing what I am need to for me. It may not be the way everyone else thinks I should but it is what I need to do. For the last two months, I was thinking about giving up writing. This book has been such a struggle and there are a number of pages that are just bad writing. I have struggled to even write this blog on several occasions. What I am finding with the people I am meeting and becoming friends with is that I am a writer. I can’t give it up. I can’t stop. Life may kick me around a bit and I definitely kick myself around but at the end of the day I am a writer. With finding my independence, I am rediscovering my passion for writing. I am learning how to shut out some of the outside influences and I am getting back to my passions.
Life is full of changes. The scariest ones are usually the most important ones. Embrace the changes as often as you can. Learn from your mistakes and continue to learn in life. Take a chance on making new friends. Until next time!
Within the last two weeks I have met two amazing people. The first was a female Rabbi that I met at the park while hanging out with one of my best friends. We took our kids to the park and while playing with the kids we struck up a conversation with two women as they walked their dog. This woman was extraordinary. She is a chaplain for search and rescue teams. She has a dog that is half wolf, who works with search and rescue and she has survived some major traumas in her life. She is also an author. She is a smart, kind and talented woman. She is someone I would love to be friends with. Unfortunately for me, she was just asked to move to France where she will be working as a Rabbi. The fortunate side of this is I got to spend an hour talking to her. One of the things we spoke about was change and how to embrace it. How sometimes the hardest thing to do is force a change within ourselves in order to improve our lives. She was in an abusive relationship a few years ago and got herself out. She left her husband and started over with nothing. She spent the first few months in a deep depression and found the strength to do something with her experience and wrote a book not just about her experience but how to come out of it better than before. Talking to this woman was a great experience and one that I will carry with me forever.
The other person I met lives in my apartment building. I live in a large apartment complex, so it’s not that abnormal for me to not really know my neighbors well and say hi in passing. This neighbor walks the same trail as I do and we always say hi and joke in passing. Last weekend he saw me and said meet me out front of our building next Sunday 8:15am and I agreed. What I didn’t realize was I was about to make a friend, one that I can talk to for hours about a number of different topics. He is an intelligent man that is easy to talk to. He is also an author. He has written a few nonfiction books and is in the process of writing a sci-fi fiction series. He has been through his own trials in life but talking to him is enjoyable.
So what have I gained from both of these individuals? The first thing is a new friend. The second is some perspective. Right now every aspect of my life is changing. I am newly single, I am about to move my mother out to Colorado so we will be living together and I am starting to work on not just my writing career but my future career in ABA therapy. My life is changing at warp speed and it is causing me to not only doubt myself but my skills. It is part of the reason I am struggling with my writing. What I am noticing in the last two weeks is that I am getting more comfortable with the changes that are coming. I am finding confidence in the life I am working towards. That confidence is drawing others to me. Individuals who are engaging and I enjoy talking to. People who make me think, which in my opinion, are the best conversations. With the surge in confidence my demons come out to play making me question things about myself. It is one of those things I am battling and eventually I will master.
The changes that I am facing currently are all about growing. I am growing as a human being. I am working towards a better and happier life. I have had several people tell me I am doing this wrong or that wrong. I have had many opinions about my life and what I should or shouldn’t do. The truth is, I am doing what I am need to for me. It may not be the way everyone else thinks I should but it is what I need to do. For the last two months, I was thinking about giving up writing. This book has been such a struggle and there are a number of pages that are just bad writing. I have struggled to even write this blog on several occasions. What I am finding with the people I am meeting and becoming friends with is that I am a writer. I can’t give it up. I can’t stop. Life may kick me around a bit and I definitely kick myself around but at the end of the day I am a writer. With finding my independence, I am rediscovering my passion for writing. I am learning how to shut out some of the outside influences and I am getting back to my passions.
Life is full of changes. The scariest ones are usually the most important ones. Embrace the changes as often as you can. Learn from your mistakes and continue to learn in life. Take a chance on making new friends. Until next time!
June 14, 2020
Antsy
This week I have been antsy. I have had this desire to go somewhere, anywhere but sitting at home, thanks COVID-19. The hard part is I have limited funds and places to go. I have two kids, and I have writing that needs to be done as well. I have started a forty-hour training program that is all online, without human interaction. In some ways the training takes even longer because it is online. Between the kids and trying to write, I am struggling to accomplish the training program. And on top of all of this my mother has decided to move from California to Colorado. All of it makes me more antsy. To add to this I am still struggling with my writing. I have made some good progress this week hitting twenty pages. It is better than I have been doing but in my opinion I need to do more writing. The writing quality has improved, which shows me the issues in the first part of the book. It leaves me with an even larger desire to start over. That is not helping with the antsy feeling. I have also signed up for another course, through my job, in order to help me get a pay raise. With taking this additional course online, my attention is being split in multiple directions, which is taking away from my writing.
I guess that leaves me with questions I need to find answers for. What do I do about my desire to go do something other than sit in front of my computer battling myself? What do I do about my desire to fix the problems with book six right now? I have also realized that I have missed details in two books that are not published yet. It is one of the issues in book four I discovered this week when we restarted the edit. It makes me wonder how I had overlooked the necessary details. A lot of this leads me to question if I should be writing at this point in time.
So what do I do? How do I get rid of this antsy feeling I have had for a week? I am not sure I know what to do about it. I feel like I usually have some sort of solution or answer to the questions I have posed to you but not this time. I feel a little lost on this one. I want to start over on book six and dump most of what I have written. Editing what I have done so far feels like taking a step backwards. If I edit what I have written so far, I will get stuck in the editing mode and I won’t have much success finishing the book. Starting over is an option but I’m not sure it is right either. I worry if I start over I will end up right in the same boat I am in currently. Maybe I need to take another day off from everything. I have taken a day here and there. In fact, I took yesterday off to spend with my kids. The problem is that antsy feeling has not lessened. It is bad enough that I am on my second draft of this blog post because the first one felt redundant and stupid. So what am I to do?
I guess the first step is to get out of my head. It sounds a lot easier than it is to do. At this point I am not quite sure how to do that. I want to be able to do what I have always done but that seems like an impossible task. I usually push through problems until I find a solution but this time I am finding I don’t have the patience to find the solutions.
The demons in my head have come out of their box once more and are telling me I’m going to fail. I need to push those demons back into their box and tape that bitch tighter this time. I have always been too stubborn to give up and I won’t stop this time either. So my next step will be to finish this blog post on a positive note. After that I’m going outside with my kids for a walk (which they hate) and soak up some vitamin D. Today I am going to take baby steps in trying to fix book six.
We are all entitled to a pity party sometimes. But we cannot allow the pity parties to disrupt our lives for too long. We need to find the positive aspects of our lives and focus on those to help us get past the hard times. Hopefully next week I’ll have better solutions than this. Until next time!
I guess that leaves me with questions I need to find answers for. What do I do about my desire to go do something other than sit in front of my computer battling myself? What do I do about my desire to fix the problems with book six right now? I have also realized that I have missed details in two books that are not published yet. It is one of the issues in book four I discovered this week when we restarted the edit. It makes me wonder how I had overlooked the necessary details. A lot of this leads me to question if I should be writing at this point in time.
So what do I do? How do I get rid of this antsy feeling I have had for a week? I am not sure I know what to do about it. I feel like I usually have some sort of solution or answer to the questions I have posed to you but not this time. I feel a little lost on this one. I want to start over on book six and dump most of what I have written. Editing what I have done so far feels like taking a step backwards. If I edit what I have written so far, I will get stuck in the editing mode and I won’t have much success finishing the book. Starting over is an option but I’m not sure it is right either. I worry if I start over I will end up right in the same boat I am in currently. Maybe I need to take another day off from everything. I have taken a day here and there. In fact, I took yesterday off to spend with my kids. The problem is that antsy feeling has not lessened. It is bad enough that I am on my second draft of this blog post because the first one felt redundant and stupid. So what am I to do?
I guess the first step is to get out of my head. It sounds a lot easier than it is to do. At this point I am not quite sure how to do that. I want to be able to do what I have always done but that seems like an impossible task. I usually push through problems until I find a solution but this time I am finding I don’t have the patience to find the solutions.
The demons in my head have come out of their box once more and are telling me I’m going to fail. I need to push those demons back into their box and tape that bitch tighter this time. I have always been too stubborn to give up and I won’t stop this time either. So my next step will be to finish this blog post on a positive note. After that I’m going outside with my kids for a walk (which they hate) and soak up some vitamin D. Today I am going to take baby steps in trying to fix book six.
We are all entitled to a pity party sometimes. But we cannot allow the pity parties to disrupt our lives for too long. We need to find the positive aspects of our lives and focus on those to help us get past the hard times. Hopefully next week I’ll have better solutions than this. Until next time!
June 7, 2020
Problems and Solutions
This week started with a few realizations. The first being that book six is going to be a lot of work. There are a lot of things Savannah and Santiago are dealing with in this story. They are facing new challenges they did not see coming and a few they did. There is also some drama with a couple of other characters none of us foresaw. I am actually starting to wonder if there is a way to trim down some of the situations they are dealing with. The more I work on the book the more I see there won’t be a way to do that. A few of the difficulties are things that need to be resolved from previous books. There are other issues that cannot be resolved as of yet. For those of you who have read my books, Matthew is one of those issues that won’t be resolved until much later. What this means is the book is going to be long or as one of my readers call it, a bible. Book six is going to be a book that will have many players. They all will play a role in the drama that is unfolding in Savannah and Santiago’s life.
The other thing I am realizing is that the first quarter of the book is going to need a lot of work. I actually wish I could start over. Scrap the entire thing and start again. There are a lot of issues in terms of the quality of writing I have done so far. I feel like I am making progress but the writing has holes in certain scenes. The other problem is I feel the book is less focused. The more I find my rhythm in terms of writing, the more I am realizing that there are serious issues with this book. I will need to do a more thorough rewrite with the first edit of the book. I am actually wondering if I should have started the other series and allowed Savannah to take a break. She and I have worked nonstop for the last two years, almost three. Savannah is tired and could use a bit of a break. The problem is I want to get her story completed. I want to focus all of my attention to her story before I move over to the other series. I worry that I will move to the other book and won’t come back to Savannah for a long while. I don’t want to do that. My readers want to know how her story ends. They want to know if there will be a happily ever after or not. Will Matthew win? And they have a right to that. They have stuck with me through this journey. I want to give them what they want because I want it too. I know some of the answers to their questions but not all of them. Savannah has not shared every detail of her story with me yet.
With this realization, I am also seeing that the edit I have started on book four is not where it should be either. The book is missing something. I am not sure what it’s missing but it is. I can feel it as we go through page by page there is this piece that is just not there. It is like I can see the entire story but one piece I am missing. I have run through every bit of information within the book and I don’t know what’s wrong with it. It is frustrating to say the least. I am starting to worry that I am going to have to postpone the release of this book. I have already edited this book two other times and with each edit I felt better about the book. This third edit is showing me, I did fix some major issues but there is still something not quite right with the book.
What do I do? Do I start over on book six? Do I read through what I have done so far and make corrections? Or do I stop for now and switch gears? Right now I am doing none of that. I am pushing through and making notes about what I know is wrong with the book. I am making note after note about pieces of information I need to add or changing descriptions I have already written. I am pushing forward even though I am finding it difficult to do. I want to go back and fix the issues I know need fixing. I want to find the problems I know exist but if I do that I could get stuck in editing mode and then what do I do? So I am going to take the advice of one of my favorite authors she gave months ago. I am going to keep going forward no matter how much I want to stop and go back. If I do that I will not only hurt my progress within the series but I will also hurt Savannah. If I were to go back and edit what I have done I won’t finish the book. I will be stuck editing the same work over and over again. I will be creating a bad habit. The only thing to do is push forward, get to the end of the book, and edit and fix all the issues at once.
Book four's problem is different. Instead of sitting back trying to figure out where I have gone wrong. I have decided my editor and I are going to start over with this edit. We are going to go back to the beginning of the book and look at each page. I need to forget what I have done up to this point and start over. I need to look at it with a fresh set of new eyes and a new thought process. Once I do that I will make book four into the book it should be.
When you are having issues, like I am, you need to look at what has gone wrong. For me, the piece of the puzzle that screwed everything up was me. I became distracted by life and my own issues. It meant I was writing but not as well as I should have been. Now I am finding my groove for writing once more. I am forced to find solutions to the problems I have created. It won't be easy to fix the problems in both books but it’s not impossible.
So take some time and look at where you went wrong. Look for solutions to those specific problems you are facing and then implement those changes. Trust that you will find a solution. Until next time!
The other thing I am realizing is that the first quarter of the book is going to need a lot of work. I actually wish I could start over. Scrap the entire thing and start again. There are a lot of issues in terms of the quality of writing I have done so far. I feel like I am making progress but the writing has holes in certain scenes. The other problem is I feel the book is less focused. The more I find my rhythm in terms of writing, the more I am realizing that there are serious issues with this book. I will need to do a more thorough rewrite with the first edit of the book. I am actually wondering if I should have started the other series and allowed Savannah to take a break. She and I have worked nonstop for the last two years, almost three. Savannah is tired and could use a bit of a break. The problem is I want to get her story completed. I want to focus all of my attention to her story before I move over to the other series. I worry that I will move to the other book and won’t come back to Savannah for a long while. I don’t want to do that. My readers want to know how her story ends. They want to know if there will be a happily ever after or not. Will Matthew win? And they have a right to that. They have stuck with me through this journey. I want to give them what they want because I want it too. I know some of the answers to their questions but not all of them. Savannah has not shared every detail of her story with me yet.
With this realization, I am also seeing that the edit I have started on book four is not where it should be either. The book is missing something. I am not sure what it’s missing but it is. I can feel it as we go through page by page there is this piece that is just not there. It is like I can see the entire story but one piece I am missing. I have run through every bit of information within the book and I don’t know what’s wrong with it. It is frustrating to say the least. I am starting to worry that I am going to have to postpone the release of this book. I have already edited this book two other times and with each edit I felt better about the book. This third edit is showing me, I did fix some major issues but there is still something not quite right with the book.
What do I do? Do I start over on book six? Do I read through what I have done so far and make corrections? Or do I stop for now and switch gears? Right now I am doing none of that. I am pushing through and making notes about what I know is wrong with the book. I am making note after note about pieces of information I need to add or changing descriptions I have already written. I am pushing forward even though I am finding it difficult to do. I want to go back and fix the issues I know need fixing. I want to find the problems I know exist but if I do that I could get stuck in editing mode and then what do I do? So I am going to take the advice of one of my favorite authors she gave months ago. I am going to keep going forward no matter how much I want to stop and go back. If I do that I will not only hurt my progress within the series but I will also hurt Savannah. If I were to go back and edit what I have done I won’t finish the book. I will be stuck editing the same work over and over again. I will be creating a bad habit. The only thing to do is push forward, get to the end of the book, and edit and fix all the issues at once.
Book four's problem is different. Instead of sitting back trying to figure out where I have gone wrong. I have decided my editor and I are going to start over with this edit. We are going to go back to the beginning of the book and look at each page. I need to forget what I have done up to this point and start over. I need to look at it with a fresh set of new eyes and a new thought process. Once I do that I will make book four into the book it should be.
When you are having issues, like I am, you need to look at what has gone wrong. For me, the piece of the puzzle that screwed everything up was me. I became distracted by life and my own issues. It meant I was writing but not as well as I should have been. Now I am finding my groove for writing once more. I am forced to find solutions to the problems I have created. It won't be easy to fix the problems in both books but it’s not impossible.
So take some time and look at where you went wrong. Look for solutions to those specific problems you are facing and then implement those changes. Trust that you will find a solution. Until next time!
May 31, 2020
Struggles of life
I am finally beginning to find my groove for book six. The last couple months have been difficult and it has made writing almost impossible. I have spent weeks and weeks trying to find my groove. Normally, when I start a book it takes me a week or two to find the rhythm. I have just spent weeks editing multiple books and to create it takes a different mind set. With this book I have struggled to find that rhythm. Between the divorce, battling my demons, and being on lock down for weeks on end, it has felt like I am lost. I have had days where the words have flown out of me but more times than not I have struggled, only writing two or three pages a day. I try to tell myself those two or three pages are progress. The problem is the voice that likes to yell at me says it’s not good enough (personal demon). I have high standards for myself and I am a firm believer in doing all that I can to meet those standards. Unfortunately for me, I have failed to meet them. It results in me bitching at myself, which leads to me not wanting to do anything on the computer. I allow myself to become easily distracted by other things because of my frustration with myself. It is a vicious cycle.
This week has been different. I have actually written more than two or three pages, most days this week. I still have had a couple days with only a few pages completed but I have had more days where I have written multiple pages. As I am writing this, I am starting to calculate how many pages I have completed this week. I usually keep a running tally every week to ensure I am meeting my goals. This week, if I am counting right, I have written somewhere around fifteen to twenty pages, I’m not quite sure how many pages I have written because I have not been keeping track of them. The fact that I have hit double digits this week is exciting. It makes me hopeful that I have found my rhythm. Part of me worries that it’s a fluke, and next week I will go back to writing only a couple pages a day. What do I do? What if my personal life forever ruins my writing groove? Is that possible?
This is one of those times where I am not sure I am the person to answer any of those questions but I’m going to do my best to answer them. So let's start with what to do about the issue at hand. The only way I know how to handle writer's block is to push through it. You keep writing. You keep forcing yourself to put words on the page until you get to the other side of the writer’s block. It is the most difficult thing imaginable but it is not impossible to do. What I am experiencing is like writer’s block because I am facing a multitude of hurdles in my way. I know what the book is about, I know all the subplots but I am just unsure of how to connect them. I am unsure how to get to the end of the book, which is already written. In some ways I feel like I am in a dark tunnel with no light to guide me through. I just keep writing and trying to plan as much as possible. Hopefully I can pull it all together.
The other part of this is, I have redeveloped some bad habits I broke over a year ago. Those bad habits are staying focused on writing instead of doing other things. My writing time needs to be about me writing and not me playing online or jumping on Facebook or anything other than writing. When I get frustrated with the writing, it is easy for me to open another window and go play online. I can window shop on Amazon, I can search for information on a new car, I can go read my horoscope. Anything to distract me from the writing I am not accomplishing at the moment. It means I don’t have to face that I am struggling until I finally cry uncle for the day. I have to work on not doing any of that. I have to work on staying focused and dedicating my time to this. Otherwise, I have done all of this for nothing. Eventually those distractions will take over and no writing will be accomplished. I now have to make a conscious effort to break that habit once more. It was easy to fall back into that old habit because it helped me ignore some of the difficulties I have been having. Now I can no longer allow myself to do that. I need to dedicate my writing time to my writing and not other things.
Here’s the thing: the only way to find my groove is to face the facts of why I have been struggling. Some of the reasons I have had a difficult time is because life for most of us is hard. We are faced with new challenges that none of us have foreseen. Some of the obstacles are ones I created because of decisions I have made in the past. I don’t regret my decisions because it was what I needed to do for me to ensure I get to be happy in this lifetime. There are going to be times where life gets in the way, I must learn how to not let it shut down all my creativity. It is a lesson I am in the process of learning. I am not sure how I am doing with this particular lesson but I am trying, so hopefully that counts for something. At this point in my life, I feel like I am being tested on so many fronts, that I am not sure if I can pass all these tests. Maybe the real test is one of endurance. I don’t know.
If you are feeling out of sorts, stop and do nothing for a moment. If you are struggling to find that rhythm you have always had, look at what is happening around you. Look at your own behavior. See what you can do to change what has been going wrong. Look for positive solutions. Stay strong. Until next time!
This week has been different. I have actually written more than two or three pages, most days this week. I still have had a couple days with only a few pages completed but I have had more days where I have written multiple pages. As I am writing this, I am starting to calculate how many pages I have completed this week. I usually keep a running tally every week to ensure I am meeting my goals. This week, if I am counting right, I have written somewhere around fifteen to twenty pages, I’m not quite sure how many pages I have written because I have not been keeping track of them. The fact that I have hit double digits this week is exciting. It makes me hopeful that I have found my rhythm. Part of me worries that it’s a fluke, and next week I will go back to writing only a couple pages a day. What do I do? What if my personal life forever ruins my writing groove? Is that possible?
This is one of those times where I am not sure I am the person to answer any of those questions but I’m going to do my best to answer them. So let's start with what to do about the issue at hand. The only way I know how to handle writer's block is to push through it. You keep writing. You keep forcing yourself to put words on the page until you get to the other side of the writer’s block. It is the most difficult thing imaginable but it is not impossible to do. What I am experiencing is like writer’s block because I am facing a multitude of hurdles in my way. I know what the book is about, I know all the subplots but I am just unsure of how to connect them. I am unsure how to get to the end of the book, which is already written. In some ways I feel like I am in a dark tunnel with no light to guide me through. I just keep writing and trying to plan as much as possible. Hopefully I can pull it all together.
The other part of this is, I have redeveloped some bad habits I broke over a year ago. Those bad habits are staying focused on writing instead of doing other things. My writing time needs to be about me writing and not me playing online or jumping on Facebook or anything other than writing. When I get frustrated with the writing, it is easy for me to open another window and go play online. I can window shop on Amazon, I can search for information on a new car, I can go read my horoscope. Anything to distract me from the writing I am not accomplishing at the moment. It means I don’t have to face that I am struggling until I finally cry uncle for the day. I have to work on not doing any of that. I have to work on staying focused and dedicating my time to this. Otherwise, I have done all of this for nothing. Eventually those distractions will take over and no writing will be accomplished. I now have to make a conscious effort to break that habit once more. It was easy to fall back into that old habit because it helped me ignore some of the difficulties I have been having. Now I can no longer allow myself to do that. I need to dedicate my writing time to my writing and not other things.
Here’s the thing: the only way to find my groove is to face the facts of why I have been struggling. Some of the reasons I have had a difficult time is because life for most of us is hard. We are faced with new challenges that none of us have foreseen. Some of the obstacles are ones I created because of decisions I have made in the past. I don’t regret my decisions because it was what I needed to do for me to ensure I get to be happy in this lifetime. There are going to be times where life gets in the way, I must learn how to not let it shut down all my creativity. It is a lesson I am in the process of learning. I am not sure how I am doing with this particular lesson but I am trying, so hopefully that counts for something. At this point in my life, I feel like I am being tested on so many fronts, that I am not sure if I can pass all these tests. Maybe the real test is one of endurance. I don’t know.
If you are feeling out of sorts, stop and do nothing for a moment. If you are struggling to find that rhythm you have always had, look at what is happening around you. Look at your own behavior. See what you can do to change what has been going wrong. Look for positive solutions. Stay strong. Until next time!
May 24, 2020
Lost and Found
This week Bad Origins was released and is now available online. It was exciting to see the book finally out, with reviews. I don’t have many readers but the readers I do have are amazing. They are loyal, kind, and supportive in so many ways. Words cannot describe how grateful I am to all of them. There is always excitement when you release your latest book. When you first are setting up the release date and uploading your manuscript, you have a nervous feeling in your stomach. Okay for me, it’s more than a nervous feeling, I actually want to vomit because I’m scared I haven’t done justice to the series. I’m sure not all authors feel that way but I always do. Once the book releases, the nerves lessen and the excitement is builds. There was also another feeling with the release of this book. It was the feeling of accomplishment but on a completely different level. I have talked recently about what I am going through. The release of Bad Origins feels in some ways like a new start for me. It’s almost as if I am washing away the bad and I am heading towards a better future. Maybe it is because I have finally reached a point that I am starting to be me again. I have spent the last year and a half finding me and now I am finally embracing it. Maybe it’s because I feel like the weight is lighter on my shoulders. Or maybe it was because I decided to change the ending of the book. The original ending to Bad Origins gave us a bit of foreshadowing for the future of the series and what was to come. I decided to change it, moving the last chapter to the beginning of book four, Bad Intentions. I gave Bad Origins a happy ending. Maybe that happy ending was the reason I am feeling more accomplished.
With that accomplishment I am beginning to feel like me. As I said, I am embracing who I am. I am beginning to dress the way I want to, do what I want to do, and just enjoy life. This past week, I have been writing more and not just within the series but my poetry also. I am diving into more poetry than I really thought I could. The thing is, I am finding there is something enjoyable about poetry, that I have never found until now.
I feel the first few chapters of book six have no heart. I have felt that way for weeks now. As I continue on this journey to being me once more, I can see the issues that I need to fix in the first edit of the book. I can tell that the chapters I have been working on over the last two week are better. For a while I was starting to think that I wasn’t going to be able to finish the series. It scared me to think that my writing career had just started and was now going to come to a crashing halt. I was really starting to think that maybe I should give it up. It has been something I have been battling for weeks. Savannah and crew have been silent and I thought they had left me. I am finally starting to like an author again instead of a fraud. Savannah started talking to me again once I started accepting certain things in my life I can’t change or have control over.
I am also starting to think more about the other series that I am wanting to write. I am starting to think about what that world will look like. What each of the brothers will be like. It is an exciting prospect and one that I have not thought about much in the past two months.
I am also beginning to find my love of reading once more. I talked about that last week, how sometimes our feelings and life get in the way of what we enjoy. Reading as of late has been difficult to do. I have not had the focus or the desire to read about love. I have just started reading one of my good friend’s books. I am reading everyday, just as I used to do months ago. I am hoping this is the start of a new chapter in my life.
Sometimes we need to take a time out from life in order to find who we are. We all have things that we are passionate about but when we are in the middle of a transition sometimes even those passions have to be placed on hold. I never stopped writing through this difficult period but I definitely didn’t do my best writing. In many ways it felt like I was new to writing or that I was broken. Maybe in some ways I was. I needed the time to heal the damage I had inflicted upon myself. I also had to heal the damage caused by others. Until I did that, my art and every part of my life would be affected. I am not entirely whole but I am getting there, I am better than I was. I believe everyone at one time or another goes through transitions, good or bad. It is in many ways how we grow as a human.
So take the time you need to heal yourself. Make the effort to better yourself whenever you can. Have the courage to take the steps you need in order to heal. Do what you know is right for you, don’t let anyone change you. Stay strong. Until next time!
With that accomplishment I am beginning to feel like me. As I said, I am embracing who I am. I am beginning to dress the way I want to, do what I want to do, and just enjoy life. This past week, I have been writing more and not just within the series but my poetry also. I am diving into more poetry than I really thought I could. The thing is, I am finding there is something enjoyable about poetry, that I have never found until now.
I feel the first few chapters of book six have no heart. I have felt that way for weeks now. As I continue on this journey to being me once more, I can see the issues that I need to fix in the first edit of the book. I can tell that the chapters I have been working on over the last two week are better. For a while I was starting to think that I wasn’t going to be able to finish the series. It scared me to think that my writing career had just started and was now going to come to a crashing halt. I was really starting to think that maybe I should give it up. It has been something I have been battling for weeks. Savannah and crew have been silent and I thought they had left me. I am finally starting to like an author again instead of a fraud. Savannah started talking to me again once I started accepting certain things in my life I can’t change or have control over.
I am also starting to think more about the other series that I am wanting to write. I am starting to think about what that world will look like. What each of the brothers will be like. It is an exciting prospect and one that I have not thought about much in the past two months.
I am also beginning to find my love of reading once more. I talked about that last week, how sometimes our feelings and life get in the way of what we enjoy. Reading as of late has been difficult to do. I have not had the focus or the desire to read about love. I have just started reading one of my good friend’s books. I am reading everyday, just as I used to do months ago. I am hoping this is the start of a new chapter in my life.
Sometimes we need to take a time out from life in order to find who we are. We all have things that we are passionate about but when we are in the middle of a transition sometimes even those passions have to be placed on hold. I never stopped writing through this difficult period but I definitely didn’t do my best writing. In many ways it felt like I was new to writing or that I was broken. Maybe in some ways I was. I needed the time to heal the damage I had inflicted upon myself. I also had to heal the damage caused by others. Until I did that, my art and every part of my life would be affected. I am not entirely whole but I am getting there, I am better than I was. I believe everyone at one time or another goes through transitions, good or bad. It is in many ways how we grow as a human.
So take the time you need to heal yourself. Make the effort to better yourself whenever you can. Have the courage to take the steps you need in order to heal. Do what you know is right for you, don’t let anyone change you. Stay strong. Until next time!
May 17, 2020
Reaching Out
So I have been fighting with myself about what to write about this week. I have a week until Bad Origins releases. I have launched a new Facebook page with my friend L.E. Martin and I am trying to get back on track in terms of advertising. I have fallen off the wagon when it comes to promoting my books, which is not a good thing. I am trying to dedicate as much of myself to my craft as I can. I realized after having a conversation with L.E., about a new segment we want to start on our page, I haven’t wanted to read books like I had months ago. Part of the reason is I have been working a lot. The other part is that I have not wanted to read any book. It is almost like I have lost my love for reading. I haven’t in all honesty but I find it hard at this point in my life to dive into a love story because of what I am currently going through. Truthfully, I am going through more than a divorce. I can’t go into details but know that my heart is a bit bruised at this point. All of this made me start to think of how do I find the desire to read once more?
Reading is an essential piece of the puzzle when you are a writer. Reading helps us learn how to write in new ways. It helps us get creative juices flowing and for me it has connected me to some amazing people. Without my love for reading, I would have never met my friend Amanda. Being forced to stay at home due to the pandemic, plus the other jobs I am doing to find financial independence, and my city also had bad weather for part of the month of April, it is difficult to want to read. It has also been hard for me to get on the computer and write. Everything that is happening around us affects whether we want it to or not. We try to stay positive. We do what we can to keep going and yet there are times, like now, that sometimes it all becomes too much. I was recently talking with a friend about depression and how it works. I have fought depression on and off for many years, I have watched others around me battle it as well. Her thoughts were you just have to do something about it, you have to push through or you deserve to stay in it. Now as someone who has battled depression myself it is not that simple. Depression is a dark hole that is hard to climb out of, many of us still function daily. We go to work, we help our kids, we may even hang out with friends but we are still in that hole. Being locked down does not help. As an artist, all of this begins to affect us and our craft. Whether you are an author, musician or painter, ect. Life around us inspires us. Being forced to shelter in place in a non-healthy situation does affect all of us. It creates an unhealthy situation overall for you and it makes it difficult to want to invest in your craft.
So back to my question: how do I find the joy in reading once more in order to continue to write? I think the first step is to admit what is wrong. For me, I am dealing with a difficult situation and I am feeling trapped with no way out on so many levels. I am feeling a little hopeless and that makes me not want to partake in something that generally is a happy ending. I am battling my demons on top of all that. All of this makes me want to scream and maybe punch someone. The next step is trying to find an outlet for my feelings. Normally, I would say karate is my outlet but I had to give up my lessons due to the cost. So getting to go to the dojo and hit someone or hit a bag is out of the question. Instead I walk. I walk anywhere from four to six miles a day. When things get too bad on the mental front, I take an extra walk in order to escape. Anything that helps deal with what I am feeling. With good weather finally blowing in, I also have started riding my bike. Last year as some of you might recall my friends built me a mountain bike. I had mastered getting on the thing and riding it without falling off. I even got up to riding it for thirty minutes but then the snow came early and I had to stop. I am having to start over building up my endurance on the thing. You would think some one who walks so many hillsides would be able to handle longer than fifteen minutes on a bike but I have found another outlet for the pent up frustration I feel all the time. My last outlet is calling my mom. She and I talk not quite daily but it’s close. Having an outlet to bitch for fifteen minutes or more to someone who knows all that I am going through helps. She doesn’t judge or try to tell me I should be doing this or that. She listens and lets me bitch, whine and moan.
All of this is leading me back to what I enjoy. I actually picked up my Kindle and started reading this week. I have also started reading Twilight with my daughter as well. I am finding that desire to read and write once more. I am starting to hear Savannah and the others more clearly, than I have in a few weeks. It makes me feel like there is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel I am in.
Here’s the thing: I am lucky because I have found these outlets. I have found a way to deal with what I am feeling. Do I still have dark days? Yes. I am still battling all of it regularly but for others it is worse. For others who are in similar situations, things right now may not be so hopeful. They may not have found an outlet yet or maybe their outlet can’t happen because of everything still on locked down. Maybe they just feel too lost to find an outlet.
So reach out to those people who are having a hard time. Try not to judge or tell them what they should do. Just be there for them. This is a difficult time for a lot of people. The longer we go with social distancing, the harder it will get mentally for certain individuals. Try to find your own outlets because I am sure there are a number of others feeling like I am. And if the person you reach out to doesn’t respond just remind them that you care. Make sure they know you are there if they need you. A simple “how are you” can go a long way. Stay strong. Until next time!
Reading is an essential piece of the puzzle when you are a writer. Reading helps us learn how to write in new ways. It helps us get creative juices flowing and for me it has connected me to some amazing people. Without my love for reading, I would have never met my friend Amanda. Being forced to stay at home due to the pandemic, plus the other jobs I am doing to find financial independence, and my city also had bad weather for part of the month of April, it is difficult to want to read. It has also been hard for me to get on the computer and write. Everything that is happening around us affects whether we want it to or not. We try to stay positive. We do what we can to keep going and yet there are times, like now, that sometimes it all becomes too much. I was recently talking with a friend about depression and how it works. I have fought depression on and off for many years, I have watched others around me battle it as well. Her thoughts were you just have to do something about it, you have to push through or you deserve to stay in it. Now as someone who has battled depression myself it is not that simple. Depression is a dark hole that is hard to climb out of, many of us still function daily. We go to work, we help our kids, we may even hang out with friends but we are still in that hole. Being locked down does not help. As an artist, all of this begins to affect us and our craft. Whether you are an author, musician or painter, ect. Life around us inspires us. Being forced to shelter in place in a non-healthy situation does affect all of us. It creates an unhealthy situation overall for you and it makes it difficult to want to invest in your craft.
So back to my question: how do I find the joy in reading once more in order to continue to write? I think the first step is to admit what is wrong. For me, I am dealing with a difficult situation and I am feeling trapped with no way out on so many levels. I am feeling a little hopeless and that makes me not want to partake in something that generally is a happy ending. I am battling my demons on top of all that. All of this makes me want to scream and maybe punch someone. The next step is trying to find an outlet for my feelings. Normally, I would say karate is my outlet but I had to give up my lessons due to the cost. So getting to go to the dojo and hit someone or hit a bag is out of the question. Instead I walk. I walk anywhere from four to six miles a day. When things get too bad on the mental front, I take an extra walk in order to escape. Anything that helps deal with what I am feeling. With good weather finally blowing in, I also have started riding my bike. Last year as some of you might recall my friends built me a mountain bike. I had mastered getting on the thing and riding it without falling off. I even got up to riding it for thirty minutes but then the snow came early and I had to stop. I am having to start over building up my endurance on the thing. You would think some one who walks so many hillsides would be able to handle longer than fifteen minutes on a bike but I have found another outlet for the pent up frustration I feel all the time. My last outlet is calling my mom. She and I talk not quite daily but it’s close. Having an outlet to bitch for fifteen minutes or more to someone who knows all that I am going through helps. She doesn’t judge or try to tell me I should be doing this or that. She listens and lets me bitch, whine and moan.
All of this is leading me back to what I enjoy. I actually picked up my Kindle and started reading this week. I have also started reading Twilight with my daughter as well. I am finding that desire to read and write once more. I am starting to hear Savannah and the others more clearly, than I have in a few weeks. It makes me feel like there is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel I am in.
Here’s the thing: I am lucky because I have found these outlets. I have found a way to deal with what I am feeling. Do I still have dark days? Yes. I am still battling all of it regularly but for others it is worse. For others who are in similar situations, things right now may not be so hopeful. They may not have found an outlet yet or maybe their outlet can’t happen because of everything still on locked down. Maybe they just feel too lost to find an outlet.
So reach out to those people who are having a hard time. Try not to judge or tell them what they should do. Just be there for them. This is a difficult time for a lot of people. The longer we go with social distancing, the harder it will get mentally for certain individuals. Try to find your own outlets because I am sure there are a number of others feeling like I am. And if the person you reach out to doesn’t respond just remind them that you care. Make sure they know you are there if they need you. A simple “how are you” can go a long way. Stay strong. Until next time!
