Antsy

This week I have been antsy. I have had this desire to go somewhere, anywhere but sitting at home, thanks COVID-19. The hard part is I have limited funds and places to go. I have two kids, and I have writing that needs to be done as well. I have started a forty-hour training program that is all online, without human interaction. In some ways the training takes even longer because it is online. Between the kids and trying to write, I am struggling to accomplish the training program. And on top of all of this my mother has decided to move from California to Colorado. All of it makes me more antsy. To add to this I am still struggling with my writing. I have made some good progress this week hitting twenty pages. It is better than I have been doing but in my opinion I need to do more writing. The writing quality has improved, which shows me the issues in the first part of the book. It leaves me with an even larger desire to start over. That is not helping with the antsy feeling. I have also signed up for another course, through my job, in order to help me get a pay raise. With taking this additional course online, my attention is being split in multiple directions, which is taking away from my writing.

I guess that leaves me with questions I need to find answers for. What do I do about my desire to go do something other than sit in front of my computer battling myself? What do I do about my desire to fix the problems with book six right now? I have also realized that I have missed details in two books that are not published yet. It is one of the issues in book four I discovered this week when we restarted the edit. It makes me wonder how I had overlooked the necessary details. A lot of this leads me to question if I should be writing at this point in time.

So what do I do? How do I get rid of this antsy feeling I have had for a week? I am not sure I know what to do about it. I feel like I usually have some sort of solution or answer to the questions I have posed to you but not this time. I feel a little lost on this one. I want to start over on book six and dump most of what I have written. Editing what I have done so far feels like taking a step backwards. If I edit what I have written so far, I will get stuck in the editing mode and I won’t have much success finishing the book. Starting over is an option but I’m not sure it is right either. I worry if I start over I will end up right in the same boat I am in currently. Maybe I need to take another day off from everything. I have taken a day here and there. In fact, I took yesterday off to spend with my kids. The problem is that antsy feeling has not lessened. It is bad enough that I am on my second draft of this blog post because the first one felt redundant and stupid. So what am I to do?

I guess the first step is to get out of my head. It sounds a lot easier than it is to do. At this point I am not quite sure how to do that. I want to be able to do what I have always done but that seems like an impossible task. I usually push through problems until I find a solution but this time I am finding I don’t have the patience to find the solutions.

The demons in my head have come out of their box once more and are telling me I’m going to fail. I need to push those demons back into their box and tape that bitch tighter this time. I have always been too stubborn to give up and I won’t stop this time either. So my next step will be to finish this blog post on a positive note. After that I’m going outside with my kids for a walk (which they hate) and soak up some vitamin D. Today I am going to take baby steps in trying to fix book six.

We are all entitled to a pity party sometimes. But we cannot allow the pity parties to disrupt our lives for too long. We need to find the positive aspects of our lives and focus on those to help us get past the hard times. Hopefully next week I’ll have better solutions than this. Until next time!