Life's Little Tests
This was the first week of me working two jobs, okay at this point, it’s closer to four, but two that pay the bills. I am working from home, providing support to the teachers at my school, while also helping with lesson plans for my students. I’ve been driven to pick up a second job to support myself and my kids. The second job is delivering groceries. It requires me to shop for customers and then deliver their groceries. It is labor intensive work but it provides anywhere from $200 to $300 extra a week. On top of this, I am educating my kiddos and helping my friend’s daughter as well. For the record my friend’s kid is so much easier to educate than my own. There is something about teaching your own kids that makes you want to scream. Anyway, I am also trying to start book six while I do all this. I have the first two chapters written and the first five chapters outlined. The thing is, I’m not progressing the way I want. I definitely did not hit my goal for writing and the writing is not as good as I want it. It has been a challenge to say the least as I try to balance everything.
By the end of the day, I am so exhausted that I can’t even keep my eyes open. I get up the next day and do it all again. All I want is a day off, where I don’t have to do anything. Unfortunately for me that is not an option at this time. I have to push until I reach my goal of financial independence and living on my own with my kids. So for the next several months, I have to keep pushing to ensure I reach not just my goal but to also create the life I want. While working my multiple jobs, I find life is testing me. I believe that life or God or the fates that be, test us in order to ensure we are growing as humans. We each have our own journey and our own lessons we must learn. I am a person that doesn’t generally follow my heart, I am impatient, and when I know what I want, I go for it. What I realized this week, is that the test I am being given is about two things: patience and following my heart.
The patience thing I have talked about in the past but right now life is showing me that it is something I need to continue to work on. I have no patience. I hate the saying “good things come to those who wait.” It is a saying that irritates me more than any other saying. The thing is, life is forcing me to learn that the saying can be true. I am hoping it is or karma is just having a really good laugh at my expense. Sorry I got sidetracked. Anyways, I am having to learn to have patience for others, patience for the things I want in my life, and patience for myself. Making the decision to ask for a divorce lit a fire under me. So it makes me want to get everything done now. It makes me want to move forward. The problem is it takes time. I know what I want. I can picture the life I want but I have to be patient and that frustrates the hell out of me. I also have to learn to be patient with my kids, as I try to teach them. E-learning is new for them and for me, so it takes time for them to adjust. They also have to learn from their mother, who is harder on them than their teachers are. It is requiring me to take a few moments during their lessons to breath so I don’t start yelling. What can I say I’m a yeller and when I get frustrated I have a tendency to yell, just like my mother. It’s a family trait. I also have to learn to be patient with myself. I have high expectations for myself. I expect that I should be able to do what I need to do without complaint from me. If you want something, you should be willing to do what you have to in order to achieve that goal. The issue is, I feel like I am not doing enough. I could be doing more deliveries, I should be writing more pages. I should be stronger than I feel to handle my shit. And yet I find that I feel as if I am failing on all fronts. I am just failing, which means what I want isn’t going to happen. It is the hardest lesson for me to learn.
My other test is following my heart and placing faith in others. I am a firm believer that following your heart is a dangerous thing. Your heart will guide you wrong because it’s a fool. I put very little faith in others and what they say. Life in many ways has taught me to always protect me, which means only believe in what your head says. Very recently that thought process has been tested. I am finding that I want to follow my heart. I want to believe that the life I have envisioned is going to happen. In order to have that life I have to follow my heart and place some faith in others. It is something that I have a hard time doing. I trust few and even the few I trust, I keep at an arm's length. I let very few people in because it's a dangerous thing, it means I could get hurt, which I don’t allow to happen. The life I see requires me to change my thought process. I have no clue how to do that other than to just jump and put faith in others and myself. That freaks me out and my head starts pointing out how well that has worked in the past. It is a battle that I am fighting every day at this point. Do I trust others and myself to make the right decisions? Do I place that faith in others? If I don’t, the life I want will not happen. If I do, could mean it all blows up in my face and I end up completely heartbroken. So what do I do?
Right now I am trying to follow my heart as I fight that fear. I am trying to believe, following your heart doesn’t always end in disaster. I am hoping at the end of all these tests life is throwing at me that I will come out of it better and with what I want and need. I am hoping that I succeed in what I need to do. Right now I’m not sure I can pass the tests. I’m not sure myself destructive ways won’t ruin everything. Only time will tell.
Stay strong. Work towards those goals. Find patience for those around you, yourself, and your situation. Until next time!
By the end of the day, I am so exhausted that I can’t even keep my eyes open. I get up the next day and do it all again. All I want is a day off, where I don’t have to do anything. Unfortunately for me that is not an option at this time. I have to push until I reach my goal of financial independence and living on my own with my kids. So for the next several months, I have to keep pushing to ensure I reach not just my goal but to also create the life I want. While working my multiple jobs, I find life is testing me. I believe that life or God or the fates that be, test us in order to ensure we are growing as humans. We each have our own journey and our own lessons we must learn. I am a person that doesn’t generally follow my heart, I am impatient, and when I know what I want, I go for it. What I realized this week, is that the test I am being given is about two things: patience and following my heart.
The patience thing I have talked about in the past but right now life is showing me that it is something I need to continue to work on. I have no patience. I hate the saying “good things come to those who wait.” It is a saying that irritates me more than any other saying. The thing is, life is forcing me to learn that the saying can be true. I am hoping it is or karma is just having a really good laugh at my expense. Sorry I got sidetracked. Anyways, I am having to learn to have patience for others, patience for the things I want in my life, and patience for myself. Making the decision to ask for a divorce lit a fire under me. So it makes me want to get everything done now. It makes me want to move forward. The problem is it takes time. I know what I want. I can picture the life I want but I have to be patient and that frustrates the hell out of me. I also have to learn to be patient with my kids, as I try to teach them. E-learning is new for them and for me, so it takes time for them to adjust. They also have to learn from their mother, who is harder on them than their teachers are. It is requiring me to take a few moments during their lessons to breath so I don’t start yelling. What can I say I’m a yeller and when I get frustrated I have a tendency to yell, just like my mother. It’s a family trait. I also have to learn to be patient with myself. I have high expectations for myself. I expect that I should be able to do what I need to do without complaint from me. If you want something, you should be willing to do what you have to in order to achieve that goal. The issue is, I feel like I am not doing enough. I could be doing more deliveries, I should be writing more pages. I should be stronger than I feel to handle my shit. And yet I find that I feel as if I am failing on all fronts. I am just failing, which means what I want isn’t going to happen. It is the hardest lesson for me to learn.
My other test is following my heart and placing faith in others. I am a firm believer that following your heart is a dangerous thing. Your heart will guide you wrong because it’s a fool. I put very little faith in others and what they say. Life in many ways has taught me to always protect me, which means only believe in what your head says. Very recently that thought process has been tested. I am finding that I want to follow my heart. I want to believe that the life I have envisioned is going to happen. In order to have that life I have to follow my heart and place some faith in others. It is something that I have a hard time doing. I trust few and even the few I trust, I keep at an arm's length. I let very few people in because it's a dangerous thing, it means I could get hurt, which I don’t allow to happen. The life I see requires me to change my thought process. I have no clue how to do that other than to just jump and put faith in others and myself. That freaks me out and my head starts pointing out how well that has worked in the past. It is a battle that I am fighting every day at this point. Do I trust others and myself to make the right decisions? Do I place that faith in others? If I don’t, the life I want will not happen. If I do, could mean it all blows up in my face and I end up completely heartbroken. So what do I do?
Right now I am trying to follow my heart as I fight that fear. I am trying to believe, following your heart doesn’t always end in disaster. I am hoping at the end of all these tests life is throwing at me that I will come out of it better and with what I want and need. I am hoping that I succeed in what I need to do. Right now I’m not sure I can pass the tests. I’m not sure myself destructive ways won’t ruin everything. Only time will tell.
Stay strong. Work towards those goals. Find patience for those around you, yourself, and your situation. Until next time!
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