Marc Lesser's Blog, page 18

Audio: Body Scan

In this 9-minute guided meditation, we learn the practice of body scan. Also described as the “insula workout”, (insula is the part of the brain that receives and allows us to respond to the sensory information of the body) this practice will help our insula to even skillfully process information about the internal state of the body.

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Audio: Being Present

In this 10-minute guided meditation, we learn the practice of cultivating curiosity and cultivating appreciation – letting go of needing to do or accomplish anything and simply being here, alive, curious and present.

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Effective communication: how to bridge the gap between intention and impact

Our lives, during this pandemic or any time, especially at work, could be described as one conversation following another. Our words have influence. A mentor of mine from many years ago taught me what he called “the law of influence” for leaders: Everything that you say and everything that you don’t say, everything that you do and everything that you don’t do, has influence. This may be pronounced for those in leadership roles, but I think that this “law” is useful and worth paying attention to for everyone. Our words and actions matter, including what we don’t say and don’t do.

One of my favorite books on effective communication is Difficult Conversations. The subtitle is How To Discuss What Matters Most. It’s filled with practical teachings on why it can be difficult to speak clearly, openly, vulnerably, and effectively, and provides many practices for how to align our speech, our conversations with our highest intentions around clarity and effectiveness.

A key point from this book is the recognition that there is a difference between impact and intention. For example, if someone says to me “Marc, I’m not sure that you heard what I said” these words might impact me in a number of ways. I might feel an immediate “ouch” and say to myself, I wonder why they think that, and I wonder why they are saying that. Nearly instantly, I might shift from the impact these words had on me (ouch) to believing I know what their intention is. I might think they are angry or disappointed. They might be accusing or blaming me for not listening. In truth, I have no idea, really what their intention is. Perhaps they were merely concerned, and wanted to make sure that they were being heard and understood. Nothing more than that.

This tiny example can be extrapolated to what much of can go wrong in our conversations. It can be an example of the hundreds and thousands of conversations we have every day – at work and outside or work. As a leader, or in nearly any situation, there is what you say (your intention) and there is how what you say is received (the impact). It seems to be the human condition, especially when someone’s words hurt us or when we feel in any way vulnerable, we immediately, perhaps unconsciously shift directly to thinking we know what the other person’s intention is, and move quickly to blame, judgement, and defensiveness. These patterns can be subtle, and take some practice to even notice and pick up on. (This is one of the many reasons I think that a meditation practice is so important. It can help us slow down the process of shifting from impact toward assuming intention and blame.)

When intention and impact are not addressed, it is easy for confusion, and misunderstanding to become the norm. Real trust and real communication become more and more difficult.

When someone says something and you feel any kind of “ouch” is it possible to be curious and ask, “I wonder, I’m curious what you mean by that. Can you tell me more?” Or, when you say something, and you notice that it is received in a way different than how you intended, you might be curious about how your words were received. What impact did your words have, and how aligned or misaligned were they with your intentions?

I’ve just begun reading White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard For White People To Talk About Racism by Robin Diangelo. One of the underlying themes is how difficult it is to understand another person’s experience. The book explores the personal and systemic reasons for this lack of real wonder, curiosity, empathy, and understanding. Our words have impact, that may be very different than our intentions. Our silence also has impact, especially in light of the depth and breath of ongoing systemic abuse and systemic silence.

Much of the work and practices from my most recent book, Seven Practices of a Mindful Leader, bring awareness to noticing impact and intention and to practicing in ways to develop more effective communication. This is especially true of the practices:

Don’t Be An Expert
Connect To Your Pain
Connect To The Pain of Others
Depend on Others
Keep Making It Simpler

 

Explore this:

Notice how you are impacted by other’s words. In particular when you feel hurt or vulnerable, do you assume intention? Does blame arise? Can you experiment with being more curious?
Notice how your words impact others. Pay attention to when you sense that there may be a gap between your intention and the impact of your words. Can you be open and explore how to align your words, intentions, and their impact?

 

A few other resources on effective communication:

Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott
Being Genuine by Thomas d’Amsembourg

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Audio: Simply Pausing

In this 2-minute guided meditation, we learn the practice of simply stopping and noticing what it’s like to make the transition from activity to pausing.

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Don’t Wait

Life during the time of this pandemic sometimes feels like a strange and powerful journey, filled with pain and possibility, with much to learn. Potent and surprising themes seem to arise. One of the themes for me this week is “Don’t Wait.” I feel a sense of urgency. At times this sense of urgency is to deepen my meditation practice, increase the scope of my questioning, and to read and listen more attentively. I’m called to pay greater attention to my routines, to pay more attention to the people and activities I love, to exercise more, and to rest and play more. As I write these words I’m surprised to acknowledge how the practice of not waiting leads me to rest more and at times to do less, work less, and enjoy more. I’ve been taking daily walks from my home to a redwood tree grove and spending time admiring and breathing in the fresh scents from these magnificent trees.

Part of this journey involved listening recently to an interview by the writer and poet Alice Walker. I was struck by her presence, clarity, and the ease with which she spoke. At one point the interviewer asked how she could write about so much human suffering and the horrific things that people experience. She paused for a moment and then responded “Because I’m free.”  She spoke eloquently about transforming pain into appreciation. I also loved the way she spoke of her writing, describing her sense of getting out of her own way, and allowing the words to come through her. Listening to Alice Walker, I thought “Don’t wait.”

A few days later I began reading A Year To Live by Stephen Levine, a book written more than 20 years ago. The core message of this book is “don’t wait.” It’s a month to month guide for living your life as though you only have a year left to live. It’s intended to sharpen the mind around priorities and appreciation. It’s also a powerful examination of death and the role of impermanence as a key element in enjoying our lives.

David Sheff, author of the best selling book Beautiful Boy (which also became a film) recently had a live conversation on City Arts and Lectures with Jarvis Masters who has spent 30 years on death row for a crime he did not commit. (Jarvis was convicted of sharpening a knife used in the killing of a prison guard though he did not participate in the killing in any way.) Jarvis is a vivid example of the school to prison pipeline; he was taken away from his parents at an early age based on abuse and neglect, and from foster care he went through juvenile detention facilities and entered prison at age 19 for armed robbery. David’s newest book, The Buddhist On Death Row, is about Jarvis’s life. During this interview Jarvis called in from prison and spoke about his life and situation. He spoke about his Buddhist practice, his friendship with Tibetan Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron, and his experience of transforming pain into possibility. Hearing how David’s life has been transformed by meeting Jarvis, and hearing Jarvis’s humor, humanity and warmth from the midst of San Quentin prison that is currently over-run by over 2226 cases of Covid-19 and 23 deaths, I again felt a sense of “don’t wait.”

My wife Lee has become very close friends with Jarvis and he sometimes calls our home. When our phone rings, I can tell by the number that it’s Jarvis calling. I can imagine the contrast of his surroundings in San Quentin with my surroundings here in Marin. And, I can feel his spirit, the gift of his presence and his profound understanding of what matters most. Whatever I might be doing at the time seems less important than answering the phone and connecting with Jarvis. answering this call.

In this short talk by Ibram X. Kendi, author of How To Be An Anti-Racist, there is a clear and potent message. There is a sense of urgency to pay attention to race, racism, and to ask what changes are needed for me, for us, for society. I think of Jarvis and the many other prisoners in San Quentin prison who are ill and dying from Covid-19 and are a living manifestation of the ongoing racism in our country (for example, in this country, one out of three black males can expect to be sentenced to prison at some point in their lives; this number changes to one in seventeen when talking about white males). 

So, I am receiving invitations from many sources that are waking me up to the preciousness of life and the need to give the best of me to what is happening now. These questions may be helpful in reflecting on what “Don’t Wait” means for you: 

What are you waiting for? 
What’s most important, right now?  
Where is your attention? 
What are you reading and listening to? 
What calls are you answering or not answering?

That said, there are times when waiting can’t be avoided. One of my favorite quotes is from my friend and teacher, the calligrapher and translator Kazuaki Tanahashi, who suggests that we shift our usual relationship with waiting. He proposes: “If you learn to enjoy waiting, you don’t have to wait to enjoy.” I find myself uttering these words when in lines at grocery stores or when stuck in traffic. 

The core message is Don’t Wait. 

Don’t wait to enjoy, even when waiting. 

Don’t wait to deepen your practice, make real connections, solve real problems, and appreciate being alive right now.

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Change the Metaphor, Change Your Life

Work can be stressful (you’ve probably noticed). Starting or growing an organization can be particularly challenging for a variety of reasons. And, as we’re all learning right now, living in a pandemic can push you to limits you never knew existed.

During the early days of starting up and being CEO of the Search Inside Yourself Leadership Institute one of our staff members approached me, looking particularly stressed, and said “I feel as though I’m juggling many many plates in the air.” 

This image began to stress me. I pictured many beautiful and delicate plates flying above his head with many of them crashing to the ground and shattering, not because he was inept, but because there were simply so many. This was not a great image for how I wanted anyone in the organization to be working as an individual, or for the kind of culture I aspired to cultivate.

I suggested he try on another image. “Instead of juggling plates,” I said, “experiment with framing your work as planting a lot of seeds. Then, you can watch which seeds take root and grow, and which don’t. You can decide which seeds to water and which seeds to let go of.”

We both immediately felt more grounded and calm. A sense of being a bit more in control and less a victim of all of the projects, demands, or plates that we had to strenuously juggle, took over.

I was not obscuring the fact that we were all doing a lot. It feels good to do a lot and to accomplish a lot. It feels good to work with an attitude that combines a feeling of confidence, a sense of urgency, and a certain level of calm – right in the midst of initiating and responding to a variety of tasks. Changing the metaphor didn’t reduce the work load, but in some way it provided more capacity and a different approach.

Another metaphor I find myself utilizing regularly, especially for leaders, is that of an orchestra conductor. Regardless of your role, sometimes your job is to stand in the middle of activity and direct, track, coach, and mentor. Your job is to listen and watch for alignment as well as achieve results. Sometimes you might have to work directly to give feedback to an individual instrument and sometimes you may need to step back and listen to the orchestra as a whole. Again, just this image, this metaphor is powerful. Being the conductor is much more empowering and calming than being “swamped,” “busy,” “slammed,” or “biting off more than you can chew” – or whatever image arises when you feel the pressure of responding to multiple needs.

Skillful use of metaphors won’t eliminate you feeling stress. However, they might serve to widen your zone of what I think of as “engaged calm.” If we are not engaged we might feel bored or flat. If we actually do take on too much or have overscheduled ourselves, we might feel stressed and anxious. In between these two ways of being, in the middle, is being both engaged and calm. This is much like a core practice within meditation of cultivating a body that is both alert and relaxed at the same time. By shifting our metaphors, we might increase the width and depth of this place of working with engaged calm, a place where we feel our best and accomplish effectively.

Try this:

Notice the metaphors you use, especially when your work or life is difficult and challenging. Experiment with metaphors that lead more to engaged calm – such as planting many seeds or seeing yourself as an orchestra conductor.
During meditation practice, explore aspiring to develop a body and mind that are both alert and relaxed at the same time. 

How? 

For alert – sit up with some energy in the spine. Arch your back slightly. Allow your breathing to be full and fluid.  
For relaxed – relax your shoulders and jaw. With each exhale, let go of judgments and comparisons, and your to-do lists, completely.

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Interview: Becoming a Mindful Leader | Love in Action

Marc Lesser speaks with Marcel Schwantes on Love in Action podcast about the importance of bringing mindful leadership into the workplace. He also discussed his book, Seven Practices of a Mindful Leader and the tools to eliminate fear and self-doubt, shift one’s awareness, and cut out workplace drama.

The conversation includes:

Why we should not avoid difficult things or challenging circumstances, but rather acknowledge them.
The value and benefits of meditation during this difficult times of global pandemic.
The individualism of American society and the value of depending on others in the workplace.
Marcel asks Marc why he thinks some leaders still lead through fear.

 

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Transitions

Lately, I feel as though I’m waking up from a deep sleep. There is a clear sense of something ending. At the same time, I don’t have a clear feeling or vision of where this is leading, which is both painful and exhilarating. The awareness of my attitudes regarding race and coming to terms with my responsibility is a major catalyst for this waking up, for this transition. I’m beginning to see and feel how I’ve avoided my personal discomfort and cultural pain in this area. Some deeply held assumptions, personally and culturally, are being challenged. Many are being shed. 

I’m staying with this practice, the best I can; the practice of noticing what needs to be let go of. And I’m paying particular attention to what is ending. William Bridges in his book Transitions, which was first published in 2004, points out that transitions almost always begin with something ending. He highlights the importance of recognizing, owning, and appreciating these endings. 

There’s something valuable about paying attention to our transitions. One way to think about transitions, leaning again on Bridge’s work, is that they involve three distinct parts:

Endings: something is ending, shedding, being let go of
Not knowing: there is a period of not knowing; a period of discovery
New beginnings: solutions, opportunities for change, and next steps begin to emerge

This framework can be useful with the many transitions we find ourselves in whether it involves changing roles or careers, engaging with loss and difficulty, navigating changes in important relationships, or any number of other transitions we or those around us are facing. 

Recognizing and naming the process of transitioning can be helpful. It can also be supportive in facing and more effectively understanding and shifting our attitudes about things like racial justice, environmental justice, and climate change, motivating us to pay more attention, deepen our understanding, and take more effective action.

The practice of paying attention to endings, whether voluntary or involuntary, requires opening our hearts to what is instead of what is most desirable, comfortable, or convenient. It means staying with our discomfort, eliminating complacency, and seeing the harm that is being done by not letting go. 

What transitions are you in, right now? What is ending and what needs to be let go of?

Practice #3 in my book, Seven Practices of a Mindful Leader, is Don’t Be An Expert. None of us are experts when it comes to transitions. Not knowing means being willing to deal with the fears, the emptiness, the lack of clarity, and the lack of a plan.

How do you stay engaged with the practice and the discomfort of not knowing? 

New beginnings can’t usually be rushed or forced, as much as we want to get to it. Somehow, solutions and changes begin to emerge. We may find that our hearts are larger and more resilient than we thought. 

What is emerging for you during these most unusual times?

I’m moved by the work of James Baldwin and his insight on the importance of paying attention, of directly facing what needs to be let go of, and what needs to be changed. To quote Baldwin in The Cross of Redemption: Uncollected Writings (2010): “Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”

* P.S. Thanks to everyone who responded to my recent newsletter on Struggle and Progress. I have compiled some resources on racial justice here. 

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For A Leader

By John O’Donohue

May you have the grace and wisdom

To act kindly, learning

To distinguish between what is

Personal and what is not.

May you be hospitable to criticism.

May you never put yourself at the center of things.

May you act not from arrogance but out of service.

May you work on yourself,

Building up and refining the ways of your mind.

May those who work for you know

You see and respect them.

May you learn to cultivate the art of presence

In order to engage with those who meet you.

When someone fails or disappoints you,

May the graciousness with which you engage

Be their stairway to renewal and refinement.

May you treasure the gifts of the mind

Through reading and creative thinking

So that you continue as a servant of the frontier

Where the new will draw its enrichment from the

old,

And may you never become a functionary.

May you know the wisdom of deep listening,

The healing of wholesome words,

The encouragement of the appreciative gaze,

The decorum of held dignity,

The springtime edge of the bleak question.

May you have a mind that loves frontiers

So that you can evoke the bright fields

That lie beyond the view of the regular eye.

May you have good friends

To mirror your blind spots.

May leadership be for you

A true adventure of growth.

Photograph from https://www.johnodonohue.com/about.

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Audio: SIYLI – Being Present

In this 10-minute guided meditation, we learn the practice of cultivating curiosity and cultivating appreciation – letting go of needing to do or accomplish anything and simply being here, alive, curious and present.

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