Bernadette Balla's Blog, page 8
October 12, 2019
How to Set (Healthy) Boundaries
Boundaries – the secret to keeping your wellbeing and mental health intact.
In a world where we have dozens of interactions with different people every single day, it’s crucial for you to decide on how you want – and don’t want! – others to treat you.
Boundaries help you build the foundation of every single relationship in your life, including the one you have with yourself, and ironically, give you more control over the things you can’t control, such as the behavior of others.
Here’s how to set healthy boundaries that actually work and protect your wellbeing from toxic people!
1. You HAVE the right to have boundariesEVERYONE should have boundaries WITHOUT feeling guilt – too bad they don’t teach this in school. Your boundaries are your invisible shield to the world – your safe space.
Having boundaries means that you have a healthy relationship with yourself and a solid dose of self-esteem. Start by deciding on your core values and being aware of what you value – and don’t value – in any type of relationship.
Let’s say, you probably value being friends with your mom – but you wouldn’t be thrilled if she reads your Instagram messages, right? Then that’s a boundary to set!
Don’t feel guilty for deciding to determine how far you’re willing to go for others and how far you’re going to let them go into your world. You can’t please everyone all the time and you shouldn’t even try to – it’s mentally and physically exhausting.
Look for whatever works for you and then stick to that!
2. Speak UP about the boundaries you have
Some people are respectful of other people’s boundaries – it’s just common sense nowadays, know what I mean?
Most people won’t go through your bathroom cabinet or stick their nose in your laptop when you leave the room.
But others don’t always respect your boundaries – so it’s your job to speak up. Stay respectful and calm at all times but do kindly explain at what point you draw the line.
Here’s a simple formula to let others know of your boundaries with respect and dignity:
1) What’s bothering you? (for example, your roommate using your laptop when you’re not in the room)
2) How’s that making you feel? (for example – raw, exposed, uncomfortable, privacy is violated)
3) How you’d prefer to have it? (for example – you could borrow her the laptop without a problem but set up a different profile for her so she’s not using it under your personal profile)
You can use this formula to set the tone for any relationship – with your boyfriend or girlfriend, with your mom or dad, with your friends, with your boss, and even with strangers!
3. Your boundaries won’t always work. And then what?
In an ideal world, everyone would be respectful of your boundaries. In the world we’re living in, we’re often left to fight for the right to maintain our safe space.
I’m not going to lie, others are going to try and knock down your boundaries. And if you want to keep your sanity intact, it’s up to you to decide what happens when someone does that.
Be clear on the consequences – and decide on them BEFOREHAND.
Let the person going over your boundaries know what they’re doing. If they don’t stop and change their behavior, don’t be scared to follow through with the consequence.
After all, you’re not the one losing something here, quite the opposite!
4. Listen to what your gut is saying!Sometimes, due to certain beliefs we have or due to our upbringing, we feel uncomfortable setting our boundaries. We feel like we’re being rude or ungrateful if we set them – even if that’s the right thing to do!
A very simple way to decide if something matters enough so we set a boundary around is to listen to your gut.
Your gut is going to send you signals in different body parts when there’s a red flag – heaviness in your stomach, tightness in your chest, fluttering heart rate, if nothing else!
For instance, you know how that weird great-uncle of yours keeps squeezing your arm a bit too tight and too creepy every Christmas dinner? Well, if your gut is literally screaming at you every time he does that, then feel free to mention something about it – you’re not the one who should be ashamed!
5. You have the right to say NO to others
And you have the right to cut people out of your life if they keep knocking down what you’ve worked so hard to build!
No matter whether that’s a family member, a friend, or a coworker – no one should invade your safe space without permission. Yes, even if that safe space is actually not visible!
Your boundaries protect your safe space, a place you’re not only comfortable with but a place that allows you to grow.
Remember this the next time you feel someone’s violating your bubble and don’t be afraid to do something about it!
What NOT to do When You Run into Your Ex
Alright, The other day, I ran into my ex.
You know, the one who broke my heart into a billion pieces when we broke up even though he made me feel miserable for the most part of our relationship.
We all have that ONE person who hurt us more than anyone else. And running into that person isn’t exactly a walk in the park, even if years have gone by.
However, I’m still very proud of the way I managed to put myself together afterward. If the same thing happened before I started my spiritual journey, it would’ve left me shattered for weeks.
1. Don’t let them destroy your day
It may feel like it, but running into your ex isn’t the end of the world.
If you’re on speaking terms, just say a quick hello and move on. Don’t open up and tell them how you’ve been really feeling – you don’t need their compassion.
If you’re not on speaking terms and you sense all the coulda, woulda, shoulda in your head, here’s what you can do.
Instead of wasting your whole day obsessing about what could’ve been, set some time to ruminate. Seriously, poke through the past for a while if you want to.
For example, I say that I’ll ruminate from 4 PM to 5 PM – and I’ll go on and do that. But once I’m done, I’m done – and I go on about my day as usual!
Seeing your ex thriving in a new relationship doesn’t feel nice – especially if you didn’t move on as fast.
But if you want the next relationship to last, don’t jump from one relationship to the other – it’ll only make things worse.
Spend some time on your own for a change. Find out who you are without that person. Work on yourself and set your own goals.
You don’t have to go around looking for a new partner.
Trust me when I say, you’ll be able to recognize the right person when it comes into your life.
3. Don’t think it could’ve worked out
Is the voice in your head telling you that if you tried harder, things could’ve worked out between the two of you?
Well, quiet down that voice – it’s not doing you a favor. Most often, things fall apart for a reason.
If your beliefs and values are different; if the way you see the world is different; if one person tries harder than the other all the time… then no, it wouldn’t have worked out. Not then, not now, not ever.
Thank the Universe – you just dodged a bullet. Imagine wasting more of your life to a person who didn’t deserve your presence?
4. Closure can be so- over-rated.
Sometimes – most of the time – relationships don’t end well. Someone’s hurt, someone won’t listen anymore… and some things are left unsaid.
That makes you feel as if you didn’t get any closure.
However, if you still get emotionally charged near your ex… take my advice and don’t seek that closure.
It won’t do you any good if you tell them everything on your mind.
Sure, getting everything off your chest might make you feel better but will it change anything? Most of the time, it won’t – and you probably won’t be able to calmly hear each other out anyway. Because let’s be real now - if you could work your way calmly through things, you’d probably still be together!
Accept the fact you can’t change the past – and give yourself closure. It’ll make it much easier to unload your emotional baggage.
Emotional baggage takes some time to process.
A break up is like a grieving process – there are phases you need to go through to let the new you emerge.
Give yourself all the time you need. There’s no need to rush – you have all the time in the world.
Sometimes, a broken heart needs a few months to heal.
And sometimes, it may take a few years. You do you – you know best how long it takes to mend your own heart.
6. Don’t assume they’re always happy…
…and you’re always miserable.
Don’t base your assumptions on what you see on social media – we all look our best on there.
Social media is doing a really great job of twisting our perception of reality. You can never know how a person is really feeling.
Truth is, the reality is neither black or white. They probably have some good days, and some bad days – same as you do.
A breakup isn’t a competition of who gets to be happier first.
Just focus on yourself and your own goals – your wellbeing is all that matters anyway.
7. Don’t deal with it alone!If you run into your ex who by the way, happened to hurt you badly, it’s completely normal to experience particular emotions. Think sadness, shame, guilt – and maybe even anger!
Heck, it’s completely normal to even experience all of those feelings at once, a real emotional rollercoaster!
However, there’s no need to process that alone. It’s okay. As I said, we all have that one person who managed to really, really get to us.
Call your mom or your best friend or whoever you feel comfortable talking with. Talk it out with them. Let them know how you feel.
No one’s going to judge you, no matter how much time has passed. If nothing else, you’d be surprised by the amount of love and support you’re showered with!
October 10, 2019
Why do we hide from our own emotions
Intellectualizing your emotions is just another fancy way to say that you’re shielding yourself from the way you really feel.
You know, if you ask me, it all comes down to fear.
Fear of others judging you. Fear of you appearing too weak. Fear of being hurt.
How to unhide your emotions
Here are a few tips to help you get back in touch with yourself and your core emotions.
1. Feel the emotionAre you angry? Good – breathe through the anger.
Are you hurt? Excellent – let it hurt so it heals faster.
Are you sad? Well, last I’ve heard, crying makes you feel better.
Liberating, right?
Don’t deny yourself the right to experience the full emotional spectrum. Don’t numb the negative – because you may accidentally numb the positive too.
2. Become emotionally aware
Most of the time, we’re all too busy to notice how we really feel.
You know what I mean: it’s easier to just say you’re overwhelmed a bit or feeling depressed rather than find the real emotion.
I want you to change that.
Start by identifying the emotions you struggle the most. Love yourself unconditionally and dig deep under the surface. You deserve to be at peace with your own feelings.
Extra tip: Struggle to pinpoint the emotions you struggle with the most? Ask someone – a close friend or a trusted family member, someone who knows you well. I’m sure they’ll be happy to help!
3. Don’t use fancy words to cool down your emotions
Are you unconsciously choosing words to lower the intensity of your emotions?
Something like - I’m just slightly anxious today when in fact, you’re terrified and keep overthinking that big event tomorrow.
Actually, we’re all guilty of doing this. Cooling down the negative emotions is the socially acceptable way of dealing with emotions as an adult.
But that doesn’t mean it’s the right way.
Next time you’re not having the best day ever, just say it as it is, plain and simple. Give yourself the freedom to work through it in a healthy way.
There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging the primary emotion.
4. Go back to being a five-year-oldBeing mature doesn’t mean you have to stop feeling altogether. Children are incredibly honest and so in touch with their real selves – we’ve forgotten what that looks and feels like.
If you’re going through a rough patch, let the child in you speak.
Are you hurt? Offended? Heartbroken? All of those are valid feelings! Say it as it feels.
For instance, if you keep worrying about that date you have on Friday, don’t just say you’re worried or nervous.
Call your best friend and simply tell her - hey, so I’ve been overthinking about this date and I’m really scared whether or not I’ll leave the right impression.
Contrary to what you’ve been told, adults too have the right to be scared or sad or angry.
Do you find yourself intellectualizing your very own emotions? What’s the one emotion you’re struggling the most to identify?
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https://vimeo.com/ondemand/unpackingemotions
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Why do we hide from our own emotions?
Intellectualizing your emotions is just another fancy way to say that you’re shielding yourself from the way you really feel.
You know, if you ask me, it all comes down to fear.
Fear of others judging you. Fear of you appearing too weak. Fear of being hurt.
How to unhide your emotions
Here are a few tips to help you get back in touch with yourself and your core emotions.
1. Feel the emotionAre you angry? Good – breathe through the anger.
Are you hurt? Excellent – let it hurt so it heals faster.
Are you sad? Well, last I’ve heard, crying makes you feel better.
Liberating, right?
Don’t deny yourself the right to experience the full emotional spectrum. Don’t numb the negative – because you may accidentally numb the positive too.
2. Become emotionally aware
Most of the time, we’re all too busy to notice how we really feel.
You know what I mean: it’s easier to just say you’re overwhelmed a bit or feeling depressed rather than find the real emotion.
I want you to change that.
Start by identifying the emotions you struggle the most. Love yourself unconditionally and dig deep under the surface. You deserve to be at peace with your own feelings.
Extra tip: Struggle to pinpoint the emotions you struggle with the most? Ask someone – a close friend or a trusted family member, someone who knows you well. I’m sure they’ll be happy to help!
3. Don’t use fancy words to cool down your emotions
Are you unconsciously choosing words to lower the intensity of your emotions?
Something like - I’m just slightly anxious today when in fact, you’re terrified and keep overthinking that big event tomorrow.
Actually, we’re all guilty of doing this. Cooling down the negative emotions is the socially acceptable way of dealing with emotions as an adult.
But that doesn’t mean it’s the right way.
Next time you’re not having the best day ever, just say it as it is, plain and simple. Give yourself the freedom to work through it in a healthy way.
There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging the primary emotion.
4. Go back to being a five-year-oldBeing mature doesn’t mean you have to stop feeling altogether. Children are incredibly honest and so in touch with their real selves – we’ve forgotten what that looks and feels like.
If you’re going through a rough patch, let the child in you speak.
Are you hurt? Offended? Heartbroken? All of those are valid feelings! Say it as it feels.
For instance, if you keep worrying about that date you have on Friday, don’t just say you’re worried or nervous.
Call your best friend and simply tell her - hey, so I’ve been overthinking about this date and I’m really scared whether or not I’ll leave the right impression.
Contrary to what you’ve been told, adults too have the right to be scared or sad or angry.
Do you find yourself intellectualizing your very own emotions? What’s the one emotion you’re struggling the most to identify?
October 9, 2019
7 Questions to Help You Deal with Guilt & Shame
We all know this: Guilt and shame are powerful emotions.
Unless we choose to deal with them in a healthy manner, they may completely consume us and our thoughts - and involuntarily anchor us back to our mistakes from the past, every single day.
So how do you move on with life after you've done something you’re not proud of? How do you enjoy life every day when you’d rather go back and fix your mistakes?
That’s what I’m talking here - effective ways and strategies to learn how to deal with guilt and shame, forgive yourself and move on with your life.
Read on to learn what are the seven questions you need to ask yourself to deal with guilt and shame.
What are you feeling?
The first step in dealing with guilt and shame is acknowledging them. If we are completely honest here, we’ve got to admit that guilt and shame aren’t exactly the world’s most pleasant feelings.
However, you’re not doing yourself a favor by denying the negative feelings you have.
Give yourself a break - you can’t hide from your own emotions. They are there to be felt in full.
Let yourself feel disappointment and grief and anger, for whatever the reason. Get them all out of your system. It won’t be the best feeling in the world but afterward, it’ll feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders!
Sometimes, we feel guilt and shame over things we had little control of.
While taking responsibilities from your mistakes is great, torturing yourself daily for something you had no power over is mentally and physically exhausting.
So don’t be too quick to judge yourself.
Was it what happened really your fault? Are you really the only one responsible for it? Even if you acted differently, would it really have made a difference?
If the answer to all of those questions is no, stop with the rumination - and let go of the past. Whatever happened probably wasn’t nice but it wasn’t your fault. Even if you hold yourself responsible for the rest of your life, you probably won’t be able to fix it.
If the reason why you’re dealing with guilt and shame is reasonable, it’s time to dig a bit deeper under the surface and understand why is that so.
Feelings of guilt and shame reach the surface when we feel that some of our standards, values or beliefs have been violated.
Let’s take a very basic example to explain this.
Let’s say you have very strong beliefs about saving the environment. One of your strongest values suggests that using plastic - especially single-use plastic - is wrong. However, there might come the time when there may not be any other option available at the moment and you’re forced to use it.
Should you feel guilty then?
Well, probably not. Before you come too hard on yourself; ask: Whose standards am I violating?
If you’re holding on too strong to your beliefs and values - which isn’t that bad of a thing - you may benefit from taking a more realistic approach. Sometimes, we’re all left without too many options and have to act the opposite of what our values would say.
We all fall in the trap of judging our past self from a present-day perspective.
Drop the coulda, shoulda, woulda. Don’t judge the person you used to be - or the beliefs and values you used to have.
You’ve made that choice/decision with all of the available knowledge you had back then. You didn’t know what you know now. You were a different person!
You’ve surely grown as a person ever since. You’ve learned from your mistakes - and you know how to take better care of yourself.
And to soothe yourself, ask: If given the chance, what would you do differently this time? What would you say? How would you act?
Those answers alone may be enough to put an overthinking mind to rest.
5. What would you tell your best friend to do if they were in your place?
Empathy towards yourself is the strongest tool you have to combat negative feelings from the past.
When it comes to dealing with guilt and shame, the friend talk is a great exercise to develop empathy.
Approach yourself from a third-person perspective. You may be surprised to notice then just how bad we treat ourselves in our heads. (and we would never do that to our friends!)
If this was happening to your friend, would you judge them this harsh? Which advice would you give them instead? How would you help them move on?
Write down those answers if need be. And then treat yourself as your best friend. Trust me, it will make a massive difference.
No matter how strong you hold onto the past, you won’t be able to change what happened.
It’s time to move forward. Put self-destructing thoughts into positive action. What can you do now to make yourself feel better?
If you’re still doing whatever it is that’s making you feel guilty, it’s easy - just stop doing it. If the beliefs and values of other people are holding you hostage, it may be the time to set new values for yourself.
And if you’re still ruminating about how you could’ve said or done the right thing, then learn your lesson from it. It’s okay - you’ll know better next time.
Dealing with guilt and shame requires one final step: forgiving yourself.
This is the hardest part for many.
If you need to apologize to someone, do it - but do it for your own sake. Remember that sometimes, others might not feel comfortable forgiving someone who made them feel bad and that’s okay - their feelings should be validated as well.
And if the only person you need to forgive is yourself, let go of the past. You can’t turn back time no matter how bad you make yourself feel.
Unpack your emotional baggage, learn your lessons and move forward. Seek peace and you’ll find it deep within.
Do you struggle dealing with guilt and shame? What do you do to forgive yourself?
Share with me in the comments and let me know - I’d love to talk more about this with you!
P.S. Right now, I’m working on an online course about dealing with emotional baggage. Click on the link to check it out!
https://vimeo.com/ondemand/unpackingemotions
October 7, 2019
How to stop ruminating thoughts
Is your mind constantly buzzing with the same burdening thoughts?
You try to shake them off - but you can’t.
It just goes on and on and on. All the wrong choices. All the past mistakes; all the right things you should’ve said - but didn’t.
It’s okay to go back a few steps and learn from your mistakes.
But if you’re toying around with all the coulda, shoulda, woulda for years, then you’re not doing yourself a favor - actually, you may be the victim of your own ruminating thoughts.
Rumination is an act of obsessive thinking. It’s not exactly the same as worrying or overthinking and it’s not quite like having OCD thoughts - most of the time, you’re ruminating about the past.
In other words, you’re obsessing about a past event or a past situation that can’t be changed, no matter how hard you think about it. let me tell you, we’ve all done it! It’s so easy to fall into the rumination trap and I know it feels almost impossible to get out of it.
However, nothing good comes out of obsessing about the past.
Give yourself a break - and start enjoying the now a bit more.
Join me here as we talk more about how to stop ruminating thoughts and what you can do to get back your own peace of mind.
What is rumination really?Rumination isn’t the same as worrying.
Worrying focuses more on the what ifs - where rumination is fixated on what has already been.
Rumination stems from the brain’s desire to keep you busy - and it plays on your desire to change the impossible. Your brain likes to keep busy and likes to solve problems, even if those problems are well - in the past.
Those prone to negative thinking are easy targets for ruminating thoughts - and that’s what makes rumination so difficult to deal with.
How to stop ruminating thoughtsRefusing to give in to your ruminating thoughts is difficult - I’ll give you that! - but it’s not impossible.
Here are some tips to help you learn how to stop ruminating thoughts
1. Let the past stay in the past
This is the biggest cliche ever but seriously - let the past stay in the past.
Obsessing gets you going in a tunnel vision mode where you we can’t focus on anything else but the traumatizing event.
Make a rational deal with yourself - rumination is not a way to heal past trauma. There are other, healthier options to explore that will actually help you feel good.
Stop blaming yourself for your past mistakes. Approach your past self with empathy.
Most people don’t make the wrong decisions on purpose. You did what you thought best at the time. If you knew what you know today, would you have made that mistake?
2. Encourage positive thoughts
Rumination happens when most of our thoughts are negative.
Negative thoughts are so overwhelming, they make you feel lonely and isolated, even if that’s not necessarily true.
Since negativity tricks you into believing you’re lonely, you won’t share feelings with others. You feel stuck. You can’t see your way out of your problems.
Don’t let your own thoughts manipulate you - you control them.
Change the way you think. Practice positive affirmations - use them in everyday life. Welcome positive thoughts into your life. The glass is always half-full, as long as you choose to see it like that.
3. Take a different angle
Don’t believe everything the brain is saying. Ruminating isn’t the most effective problem-solving strategy.
The thing is, when we’re stuck in the rumination circle We only look at the problem from one side, and that’s getting us nowhere.
Trust me when I say, there are other, healthier ways of dealing with problems.
The easiest one? Talk to someone - see what they think. Or try seeing it from the third-person perspective - what would you say if a friend had your problem?
You’d often come to realize that the problem wasn’t in the problem itself but in the way you thought of it.
4. The STOP method
The STOP method is great when we sense things are getting out of hand.
The rules are pretty simple: each time you catch yourself ruminating, tell yourself to stop, loud and clear. That’s it - and that’s enough to give you some sense of control over your mind.
Alternatively, if telling yourself to stop isn’t doing the trick, consider this: put a rubber band around your wrist. Each time you ruminate, gently snap the rubber and say stop. Be careful not to hurt yourself though!
This acts both as a distraction and as a physical cue for your brain to snap out of it.
5. Decide on rumination time
I know what it feels like when your mind gets into this can’t stop, won’t stop attitude.
So don’t try to resist it. Let it have what it wants - but on your own terms.
Instead of allowing ruminating thoughts to take over your whole day, decide on a time you’ll be allowed to ruminate.
Appoint yourself an hour per day for thinking. Pick a time when you’re in a good mood - though don’t choose the time right before going to bed.
Next time you get the urge to ruminate, tell yourself to save it for that hour of the day.
Once your “thinking hour” comes around, you’ll realize that a) your problems aren’t really as bad as you thought and b) you don’t even need or want to think about them now!
6. Expand your life
The brain likes to keep busy. And if you don’t give the brain something to do, it sort of creates problems of its own to solve.
Find a distraction - find a new hobby or learn a new skill. Expand your life. Introduce some novelty to it.
Your brain will be busy and you get to look forward to something - it’s a win-win combination that comes with a lot of happy thoughts.
This isn’t to say you should ignore your woes. Think of it like taking a brain rest. You can’t solve a problem by obsessively thinking about it 24/7 anyway.
7. Come up with a new narrative for your life
Sometimes, so it happens that the way we think of our own life is our biggest obstacle to happiness - and not our current situation as it is.
But you wouldn’t be the person you are today if it weren’t for your past, right?
Change the way you tell your story. Find the meaning behind your past. See if you can empower someone else going through the same thing. whatever you do, always be thankful for your experiences, both good and bad, and let them go. Jot down your own narrative - and this time, jot down what YOU want.
What do you do to stop ruminating thoughts? How do you deal with past emotional baggage? Leave me a comment and let me know - I’d love to see what you do to heal!
October 1, 2019
Video on DEMAND : Unpack your emotional baggage
More than 300 million people struggle with depression & anxiety on a global level – and women are generally more affected than men.
2 out of 3 women believe it's completely normal to live day to day life feeling blue without a reason.
More than HALF of the people that struggle with feeling blue for no reason WON'T ask for help because they don't feel comfortable talking about it.
If you’ve ever…
September 26, 2019
Happier by Making Others Happy?
Listen to it by clicking the link below.
https://anchor.fm/dashboard/episode/e5ijbcWhen I started earning more money in my previous job, I loved spending it on my sisters, my brother in law, my mom and pets.
Each time I provided them with something unexpected or luxurious, I felt a deep satisfaction on my end.
At the time, it was really confusing to younger Bernadette as to why I felt that - I actually felt happier buying things for them than I did for me!
Have you seen Friends? There was an episode where Phoebe was trying to do an act of kindness without getting anything in return.
And by anything, I mean without feeling good afterward – something that, by the end of the episode, even Phoebe realized it’s impossible to do!
September 14, 2019
How to deal with depression during the holiday season
I’m having some anxiety that the sun is going down earlier and earlier and soon its going to be dark by 5pm. Last year, I wasn’t as sad as the year before. The holidays really affect me. I don’t know why or what, I cannot get into the holiday spirit and I’m doing something about it this year. Naturally, I thought it would be a good topic so here we go.
Why do we feel depressed during the winter?Most medical professionals believe that seasonal depression happens because of the lack of light during the winter months.The days get shorter, and the nights get longer – and we get less light.Because we dont get as much sunlight it makes your body produce more melatonin, which is the sleep hormone. As a result, we feel more tired, lazy, and obviously – your good mood gets affected.Another issue that makes us feel more depressed is when we feel that we need to be happy all the time 24 hours a day.Is it possible to always be happy?Can you really love your life – every single day? How do you avoid bad times? I used to have the same doubts. I kept wondering – why can’t I be happy like everyone else?It took me a while to realize that people aren’t really always happy. Sometimes, some of them pretend to be. And the really brave ones have the guts to admit when they aren’t!In my book, intuition is your superpower, i mentioned that i’ve dealt with depression since i was a teenager. I didn’t realized i was depressed when i was a teenager, i only noticed the pattern when i left for college. I’ve always felt empty and lonely. Last year during thanksgiving, i felt like after a long time of not having intense feelings of emptiness, it came back. I could not put my finger to it until later that day. I was asking myself why i felt sad and lonely when i only have first world problems.
It wasn’t until later that i realized the emptiness was from the abandonment energy of the city. You see SF is always buzzing and the city gets deserted during 24-26th of November. It was quiet. Barely any cars in the city and shops were closed.
Why can’t we ALWAYS be happy?Expecting to ALWAYS be happy is impossible.Just look at your body if you don’t believe me.You know those monitors that show heartbeats? The ones doctors use?Well, you’ve probably noticed what it looks like when your heart is beating – up & downs, up & down. That means you’re alive. And you all know what happens if the line goes flat, right?Means you are dead.Ups & downs are just another part of life – that’s how you know you’re alive and kicking.Sure, some people have it better than others but trust me – no one has it all.
View this post on InstagramHere are some tips I practice myself whenever I need reminding that you CANNOT always be happy! Tips for dealing with holiday depressionAccept negativity as part of lifeLearn how to process emotionsMaster the art of letting goDo more of the things you loveA post shared by Emotional Health ⓉⒾⓅⓈ (@bernadetteballa) on Sep 3, 2019 at 9:19am PDT
1. Accept negativity as part of life
Bad emotions aren’t really the complete opposite of good ones. We’ve just been led to believe that there are “good” emotions and “bad” emotions.
Sure, some emotions make you feel good and some make you feel bad – but that doesn’t mean they’re bad. They’re simply emotions you have to process – and move on.
I want you to give yourself permission to feel – even if it means feeling bad.
Feeling depressed for a day doesn’t mean your whole life is ruined. Happiness isn’t a destination really – it’s a life-long journey.
Do you let yourself be sad?
Not letting yourself feel bad doesn’t mean you’re not letting negativity get to you. It means you’re suppressing everything deep into your subconscious, where it does even more damage!
Get negative emotions out of your system.
Everyone has a different way of dealing with negativity. Find yours.
Some people like to journal their feelings. Others love a good workout – and some love crying. I feel like often we do injustice to crying – crying is not BAD! It’s just another way to process emotions!
3. Master the art of letting goDo you get upset if someone says or does something?
Don’t give that much power to other people.
Don’t let the opinion of others hold you hostage. You don’t have to meet any expectations. Forget all of the coulda, woulda, shoulda. You know why? It’s going to make you crazy thinking about that. Nothing good comes out of it.
Forgive yourself for getting upset and love yourself – always.
4. Do more of the things you love
How often do you do something simply because you love that? I’ll be the first one to admit – not often enough.
I came upon this realization while writing my to-do list. I was shocked to realize I didn’t want to do any of those things – and yet I’ve dedicated hours of my day to them!
So here’s a big challenge for you. I challenge you to make a want-to-do list – and then start ticking things off there. Have some fun. You’re allowed to do anything you want.
Wanna nap? Sure! Do you want to do some more baking? Be my guest! Want to spend the afternoon binge-watching Netflix? Go for it!
And while doing everything you love, you’ll realize you’re already on the happiness highway!
How meditation makes you feel
Astral travel, or astral projection, is a sort of out-of-body experience where your consciousness is able to leave your physical body and travel (like a really cool Doctor Strange superpower). My spiritual journey accelerated after that. I began having experiences of traveling back in time to seemingly random points in my life through meditation.Yes, key phrase—“seemingly random.” But of course, they were not random. They were usually unpleasant memories lodged in the shadows of my mind. Memories that have been waiting for me for decades. How meditation feels like
After several years of practicing meditation, there have been some occasions when I experienced time travel. During one of these sessions, I astral-traveled back to my childhood home, back to the room I had as a teenager, which was right next to my parents’ room.
As I stepped in, I immediately understood that my anxiety had actually begun many, many years ago. In that very room.
The feeling of anxiousness.
The feeling of dread.
The feeling of being helpless.
My father.
He would tell me that there was no point in studying and going to school because, according to him, I’d grow up to become a prostitute. He frequently came home vomiting on the bed he shared with my mom. She would have to clean it up. He would burp and hiccup. It was horrible—the hurled abuse. Those little noises at night.
How meditation help me healIt was through meditation that I got in touch with my intuition and that was when I unpacked my emotional baggage. I’ll be the first to admit that I have emotional baggage. Big, fat, ugly ones. Most often, we are willing to acknowledge our emotional overload only when we face something terrible, like the loss of a loved one, a broken heart, a nasty divorce, a financial hit, a miscarriage. Unless we take the time to unpack, those burdens will never become lighter. No matter how you brush them aside, they will only get heavier.
There is another type of meditation that i recommend for beginners and its’ called mindfullness. What is Mindfulness?Mindfulness is meditation made simple. Buddhists have been practicing it for thousands of years, but in the Western world it’s a relatively recent concept. Mindfulness is the practice of focusing your full attention on the flow of your breath, sensations or feelings to bring yourself calmly into the present moment. It is one of the easiest ways to learn that thoughts are transient things that can be observed in a detached, compassionate way. Integrating mindfulness into the way you experience your life allows meditation to take more of an active role in the way you perceive everything from your inner world to everything going on outside.
How does negative thoughts affect meditation? We all experience patterns of negative thoughts. It’s a very human thing to get caught in a downward spiral and repeatedly perceive things in the same way. It takes significant effort and discipline to change entrenched ways of thinking. By choosing to become conscious of your thoughts rather than succumbing to their control, you begin to exercise a more positive way of dealing with unhappiness, anxiety or depression. Mindfulness is not about never having another negative thought again. If your goal is to banish negativity forever, you’ll just pressure yourself to be perfect, turning mindfulness into some kind of race to win or task to check off of your to do list.
Does Neuroscientific Studies Back Meditation?Scientific research tells you that mindfulness really works to reduce anxiety, and stress. Studies also reveal that neuroplastic changes actually take place in the structure of the brain. How does mindfulness meditation affect my brain? After mindfulness meditation, different regions of the brain associated with empathy, compassion and focus show changes in tissue density and thickness. The science also links to how people feel after meditating, with significant improvements in psychological well being.
What are easy exercises to practice mindfulness ?Step 1: Be where you are:
If you are outside, stop for a moment to feel the sun on your face, the breeze in your hair or the air in your lungs. Focus your attention on a sensation and let it bring you to the present moment.
Step 2: Enjoy the Activity:
If you find yourself rushing around trying to get a million different tasks done. Stop, bring your mind gently to the task in hand and focus on the details of it. For example, if you are cleaning, really notice the motion of what you are doing. Sense the muscles you are using and let your mind flow with the activity.
Step 3: Watch the Birds:Observe a small insect or a bird. If you can train your mind to just calmly watch a bird as it goes about it’s business, you will bring your thoughts to a state of detached awareness. Animals are perfect for this kind of focus because they just simply are being as they are, without much effort. Allow yourself to relax and observe without thinking about anything other than the creature.
Observe movements, appreciate its energy and you will bring yourself to a state of calm.
Intuition is your superpower is the title of my book. Available on Amazon both on kindle and paperback and also audible. BUY IT NOW FOR $.9.99
https://amazon.com/Intuition-Your-Superpower-follow-confidence-ebook/dp/B07MP7Z8L6
I’ll love to hear what you think about your intuition after reading my book.
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