Bernadette Balla's Blog, page 6

3 Reasons Why You Should Pay Attention to Your Dreams

We dream more when we are stressed out in life.

So with this pandemic going on with Corona virus and most of the world are in lock down with a lot of anxiety about health and paycheck, your waking life can be incredibly stressful. Pay attention to your dreams.

You  dream more when something big is going on – when you are excited or frightened. 

You dream more when our life is drastically changing….

When times are tough, your dreams can help you get a better perspective and navigate changes with more confidence.  

When I was going through a bad breakup, I had the most vivid dreams. I also had pretty disturbing dreams at a time when I was going through therapy and working out some internal stuff.

Now I know those dreams were not a warning for a scary future but a warning to stop and take a better look at myself and my own life.

So if you’re dreaming more and more lately, I want you to ask yourself – why?

Stop and take a better look at your dreams.

What are you doing in your dream? Who are you with? How do you feel?

Yes, your dreams hold the key to all the doors you are looking to unlock in real life.

But that’s just ONE of the reasons why you should pay attention to your dreams. And by the way, if you want to find out more about it, I encourage you grab my dream workbook.

 

Dreams help you learn

Dreaming happens during the REM sleep stage, the deepest stage of sleep that humans go through. The REM stage of sleep is also known as the rapid eye movement stage, is VITAL for you!

You dont have the best time when you are sleep deprived.  That’s because you’re missing out on rem sleep and your brain can’t regenerate fast enough.

Each sleep cycle lasts for about 90 minutes. During a sleep cycle of 90 minutes, we spend 20-25 minutes in a stage of deep, REM sleep.

That also happens to be the time when we dream the most.

But this also happens to be the time when we LEARN the most.

That’s why sleep on it works so well every single time!

Some studies point out that we often dream about things we’re doing before bed…. And once we wake up, we’ve become better at those skills! Fascinating, isn’t it?!

Scientists experimented with a group of people. They’ve had everyone play Tetris before going to bed, and then once they’d wake up in the morning, they’ve observed that their skills are noticeably improved!

So let’s say, if you play the guitar right before bed, your guitar skills may improve! If you learn Spanish right before bed, your Spanish may improve!

I find this concept fascinating, it’s almost like discovering a whole new superpower you possess.

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Dreams help you solve trauma from the past

For years, I was troubled by the same dream, all the time.

The dream finally disappeared when I acknowledged and worked through some of my past trauma.

So I wanted to know why I was particularly troubled by this trauma from the past but not from other traumatic experiences.

The amygdala, a part of emotional processing, is  very active during dreaming.

You’re likely to dream more about whatever upsets you the most but in a very illogical manner. 

You need to talk to your unconscious to find out what your dreams REALLY mean!  

The emotional  part of the brain is  PARTICULARLY active during REM sleep stage, but on the other hand, the parts responsible for logical thinking are LESS active. The memories present in the brain during dreaming are the memories that are MORE emotionally charged.

 I have a dream workbook that explains this in better detail and in that book, I guide you through a scientifically proven method that helps you FULLY understand your dreams!

 

Dreams awaken your creativity

Another MAJOR reason why you should notice your dreams more is this: dreams awaken your creativity!

The time spent in the REM stage of sleep, is the  most creative time.

And it makes sense – logical parts of the brain shut down, emotional parts work at full speed!  

5 things I do daily – no matter what happens in my life!

5 Things to Start Doing Today to Change Your Life from Negative to Positive

Do you want to learn how to be happier?

Are you wondering how to change your life from negative to positive?

How many times have you vowed to make a change – only to give up on it a few days later?

I’ve been exactly at your place – and I know the feeling.  It’s just that sometimes, the media paint this picture that you need to do an awful lot to start living the good life.

But I know that it doesn’t take THAT much to be happy. You simply need to learn how to change your life from negative to positive by focusing on the little things first.

That’s why I want to share with you the small steps I do on a daily basis.

You can start doing them right away – they won’t take hours out of your day and require zero basic prep.

Keep reading to find out what it takes to change yourself and what are the simple things to do to for an instant mood boost!

First things first - how do you change your life?People keep asking me:Hey Bernadette, so how exactly do you change your life?I give the same answer, every single time:  You can change your life only if you make up your mind to. There are no secrets, no hidden formula, nothing.I know, I know – saying that is easy but doing the actual work isn’t.But hey – I’ve done it! You can do it too! Learning how to consistently direct your thoughts towards positivity is easier than it sounds, I promise.What’s important to know?Being positive isn’t only about keeping a smiling face. Instead, being positive is about choosing to make the best of whatever situation you’re in.

Because life won’t always be rainbows & butterflies.

But when things in life get messy, you have two choices:• Cry about it & be depressed• Make the best of it

The old me chose to cry and not leave my apartment for days. I didn’t understand how to make the best of what life was throwing at me. I didn’t even think it was possible to feel good on the bad days.However, I gradually understood what positivity is all about.I learned how to let go of anger, sadness or any stress I was feeling. I realized I needed to take baby steps – it didn’t matter that they were small. What mattered was that I was moving in the right direction. And you can do the same!

Here are the 5 things I do daily – no matter what happens in my life!

• Go outside and spend time on the sun – because fresh air & sunlight are ALWAYS a good idea!

• Smile at strangers – because life is too short NOT to and yet almost no one does this!

• Listen to some good music – the fastest way to feel happy, right here & right now!

• Eat good food – even if that means occasionally treating yourself to cake!

• Do everything that makes YOU feel good – whether that’s working out, reading, coloring, playing video games or hitting the town with your friends.Don’t forget – you’re building your own happiness by doing the little things first. 

By choosing to focus on the little things that happen to you on a daily basis, you build your own sustainable happiness. 

You don’t always wait on something else to happen for you to feel happy.

Instead, you know how to work with what you already have -- which in return, gives you even more reasons to be happy for! 

What do you like to do to improve your life? Are there any things that you do on bad days to feel better? Share with me in the comments and let me know!

Spot Your Emotional Baggage™. Don’t delay your chance to experience emotional release any further than today. from bernadette balla on Vimeo.

What Love is Not: Is YOUR Relationship Healthy?

What is love, really?

The thing is, there are hundreds, if not thousands, of explanations about what love is and what love should feel like. However, no one talks about the really important stuff – what love is not.

See, sometimes you get stuck in an unhealthy relationship unknowingly – you’re not even aware love shouldn’t be like that!  

That’s because you think that’s the way things should be.

It’s what you’ve been unintentionally taught while growing up. It’s what Hollywood teaches us – to give ourselves unconditionally.

However, love doesn’t always work that way.

Because remember, YOU deserve to be in a loving, supportive relationship that will make you feel good about yourself. I’m sharing my own PERSONAL experience of how I learned – the hard way! – what love is not and how do I tell if a relationship is worth my time!   

Here’s a big secret of mine:

My bed has seen a lot of emotions!

I wish those were good emotions: love, happiness, passion.

The reality is quite different: my bed has seen a lot of negative emotions!

Unfortunately, tears and pain are what my bed has witnessed the most. I was lonely, severely depressed and spent hours and days crying and cuddling a pillow.

 

Is love supposed to feel that way?

I wasn’t aware of this at the time but let me tell you now: it’s a big, fat NO.

Love isn’t supposed to feel like that.

Love isn’t pain.

Love isn’t mean to hurt you – in any way whatsoever.

Relationships shouldn’t be painful – and shouldn’t feel like you’re the only one trying to make it work!

I mean, sure, there are the highs and the lows in each relationship – those are completely okay.

The problem with me was that my view of how love should feel and look like was contaminated. I was doing what my parents were doing and thought that’s completely normal.

 

Imagine this:

I would be in an adult relationship with another human being – and yet ended up craving love and affection, and felt completely unfulfilled!

It took me years and years to realize that I mistook love for pain.

 

Are you in a healthy relationship?

Here’s what I learned from my own personal experience!

 

·       You’re able to communicate openly

And not only is that communication effective BUT also, your partner actually listens to whatever you have to say. Your S.O. understands your needs – both physical and emotional – because you both are able to communicate in a clear, open, mature way.

 

·       You feel secure – even when you fight

There will be times in a relationship when you will argue about something – and that’s okay. In healthy relationships, you know you’ll be able to overcome this and you still feel loved & secure.

What’s not okay is when your partner disappears for hours, days or maybe even weeks, leaving you to question whether you’re still in this or NOT!

It’s okay to fight. It’s not okay if your partner completely distance themselves from you making you feel horrible for days and weeks.

 

·       Both of you know how to compromise

And at the same time, neither of you are feeling like one of you is giving up on something. If you have this, congratulations, you’re in it for the long run!

Not always getting what you want isn’t that big of a deal.  

BUT if you feel like you keep giving without receiving anything in return, you will get emotionally drained over time. You too deserve the same love, attention & affection you’ve been giving!

 

·       You feel good about yourself

A good relationship won’t make you question your insecurities all the time. Instead, your S.O. will understand and support you in overcoming any insecurity of yours.

·       Your partner inspires you to be a better person

A good partner won’t make you feel like you need to change something – anything really.

Instead, they’ll love and support you so much, that you WILL end up feeling inspired to become the best possible version of yourself!

 

Remember what we said:

Love shouldn’t be about pain.

It’s great if you love the other person – just don’t forget to love yourself too.

And trust me when I say – once you learn what real love is really about, you won’t settle down for anything less!

 

If you enjoy this episode, tag me on social media. I am @bernadetteballa on instagram. Sent me a direct message, a review, tag me on your stories whatever it is, i will be glad to hear from you.  Until the next episode, take care of yourself, mind body and soul. See ya.

Which red flags did you notice about your relationship that you’ve chosen to ignore in the past? Did you learn any lesson the hard way – just like I did? Share with me in the comments – I’d love to hear other people’s experiences!

 

 

Spot Your Emotional Baggage™. Don’t delay your chance to experience emotional release any further than today. from bernadette balla on Vimeo.

How to Tell if You’re Dealing with a Narcissist

My first contact with a narcissist wasn’t in a romantic relationship, though later on, I unwillingly or better said, UNKNOWINGLY, ended up in one.

Way back in college, a friend invited us for a long weekend to visit her dad. Her parents were divorced but her dad had a boat house at a nearby lake, and according to her, we were welcome there.  

As any other college group of girls, we were thrilled to be going away from campus and onto an adventure. I mean, spend the long weekend at A BOAT HOUSE? As an immigrant child, I’d never before even dared to think about a boat house, let alone STAY in one.  

What my friend didn’t tell – looking back now, she probably didn’t know it either, she just said her dad can be a bit “demanding” at times – was that her dad was the biggest narcissist I have ever met!

Put most simply, her dad was a jerk – funny, charismatic, successful……. but a jerk nonetheless.

I know, I know, the j-word is probably harsh but before you judge me, trust me, I’ve never seen anything like it before. Honestly, I even doubt I’ll even see something like it again.

He LOVED – L  O V E D – being the center of attention.

He wouldn’t stop talking about himself. He thrived talking about his job and how important his role is. (the guy had a senior position at a well-known bank)

He made EVERYTHING about him – even if we said something like, the weather’s nice, he’d go on and add something like, OF COURSE IT’S NICE, I wouldn’t choose this place if it hadn’t had a nice weather! Like dude, you can’t control the weather!

At first, it was fun.

To a bunch of college girls, he was really impressive. He told the best jokes. He took us for a boat ride. He gave us booze. He was like a tour guide!

Soon, it became exhausting.

That guy wouldn’t shut up!

He felt the need to be the star of a show he wasn’t even invited to – after all, it was a girls’ weekend getaway!

Any time we’d try to steer the conversation away from him, he’d become extremely upset. He’d start tapping with his leg or walk away. Once, when he came back, he (very rudely!) interrupted a very short-lived conversation asking whether we are “done talking ONLY about our own lives”.

Once we stared in disbelief at him, he continued talking about his job and his boat YET AGAIN!

But the major red flag was that he continued talking cheerfully, AS IF NOTHING’D HAPPENED A MINUTE AGO! Like, where did all that anger vanish into? It was like a switch went on and off and you NEVER knew what was gonna happen the next minute!

And then came what I call his “tantrums”.

You know how a toddler can get upset for the most various of reasons – something along the lines of, he can’t reach to the sun and the next minute, he’s in tears?

Well, the same happened with this guy.

One of the girls was pouring us some drinks and spilled some on the table. She didn’t even spill the whole drink, just a few drops.

OH. MY. GOD – the guy lost it! He went batshit crazy on the SPOT. He started yelling, saying how disrespectful we are towards him and ruining his property, yada yada yada…

I couldn’t believe what I hear!

That weekend couldn’t finish fast enough and there were at least a dozen other tantrums! Even if there was a tiny teeny inconvenience, he’d flip!  

Apart from the spilled drink, reasons for his meltdown included one of the girls asking if we could move the table under the shade – WHY DID WE COME IF WE DIDN’T LIKE STAYING OUT ON THE SUN? – one of the girls supposedly giving him a “funny look” and his own daughter not knowing how to make mashed potatoes right because she’s “just that stupid”.

Yup…….

What is narcissism?

I know the story I told you now is a bit extreme.

I’ve never again had the “pleasure” of meeting someone that extreme but other narcissists can be very, very exhausting.  

They think they’re much better than others. They feel entitled to things. They expect you to always conform to their wishes and desires.

And if you don’t, they’re not afraid to manipulate you into feeling and doing EXACTLY what they want from you.

You know, narcissists are so. much. more. than people obsessed with themselves.

It’s so hard to define them actually.

First of all, they’re NOT madly in love with themselves. They don’t spend days in front of the mirror. They don’t want to be the center of attention because they enjoy it.

Actually, all of that behavior is just a mask to hide on what’s really going on the inside.

The reason why they appear so full of themselves is because they are, in fact, VERY much empty.

Not empty of emotion – empty of self-love and self-worth.

Now that I think about it, it’s pretty common to think that narcissist are sociopaths that don’t have any emotion.

The truth is, they DO have emotions and emotional needs that need to be met (just like regular people) but they don’t have the skills – or the emotional maturity – to communicate what they expect out of the other person.

Because after all, having our emotional needs met and meeting the emotional needs of another person is what emotional maturity is all about – that’s how you make friends!  

Building relationships with narcissists is downright impossible. Since they lack empathy, they can’t form a real emotional connection to any other person…. Let alone offer something in return. (they can manipulate you into thinking they do, though)

What they do feel strongly is primal emotions – think fear and anger the most.  

That’s why they’re know to behave so… so off-putting and aggressive.

They’re scared.

Deep down, most narcissists are drowning in their own insecurities, hence the need to put on a show for the rest of the world. They have a massive void and try to compensate for that void by CONSTANTLY asking for the admiration and attention of others.

I could go on and on talking about this.

What I’ve said so far is what I’ve noticed from my experience – the truth is, there can always be some differences from one narcissist to another. No two narcissists are the same!

Another thing to point out is that we can all sometimes be a bit narcissistic but that doesn’t make us narcissists.

That’s why I think it’d be helpful if I gave you some pointers on how to tell if you’re dealing with a narcissist and what can you do to keep your sanity!

 

WORD OF ADVICE:

There’s a difference between the Narcissistic Personality Disorder and narcissism as a trait.

 

How to tell if someone’s a narcissist

Narcissists are everyone around us but it’s often very hard to spot a narcissist when you first meet them.

The reason is, they can appear as a crowd’s favorite. They can be extremely charismatic and charming and people-pleasing, just to get you to like them.

Also, they may seem easy-going at first but once you meet them…. You’ll realize they are anything but!

Just to be sure, I looked this up and here are the MAJOR red flags to tell if someone’s a narcissist. If someone has one or two of these, it’s fine – but if someone you know has MOST of the signs on the list, you better watch out! 

·   They talk a LOT – and you don’t get to say anything!

Building relationships with someone requires conversations. And conversations are done by TWO people taking turns talking!

Narcissists love doing a lot of talking but prefer to do ZERO listening, just because they pretty much don’t care about what you have to say. Even if you do get a chance to talk, the conversation will redirect back to them in NO TIME.

If you’re talking with a narcissist, expect to be interrupted at least a dozen times and leave that conversation feeling emotionally drained!

Observe – how do you feel when interacting with someone? If they don’t make you feel good during a simple conversation, how do you expect them to be a good friend or partner?

·   They don’t care about you

Narcissists can’t identify with other people because they lack both empathy and compassion.

I’ve once read a report from a therapist specializing in treating patients with NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder) who claims that one-third of her patients can develop SOME empathy very slowly, under the condition that they put in the hard work…

But in my experience, waiting for someone to develop empathy is time lost, and EMPATHY is now one of the traits that are must-have in my partner.

While I can’t reveal much more, I’m only going to add that I will NEVER again be in a relationship with a person who can’t relate to me and what I’m going through because that person will make you feel miserable at times when you need them the most.

·   They try very hard to impress you

Narcissists excel at bragging.

There’s nothing more exhausting than ending up seated next to a narcissist at a dinner party… oh boy, I once remember a girl that honestly, left me exhausted by the time I went home.

Trust me, the less reasons they have to brag about, the MORE they’ll keep on bragging. That’s how they compensate for the lack of self-confidence – that’s how they do an ego boost!  

Most of that is fluff.

Narcissists tend to portray minor achievements (or should I say, under-achievements) as a huge success just to impress others. Remember, a person who has a lot to brag about stays humble 9 out of 10 times.

·   They ask for special treatment

Hey, so I know we can all be special snowflakes for some things… like, we all enjoy getting special treatment but narcissists are next level.

They don’t only ask for special treatment – they DEMAND for constant, never-ending stream of attention and flattery and are known to get seriously upset if they’re not treated like royalty 24/7.

I’ve noticed this is especially true in times when they’re paying for a product or service – think dining out or going on a vacation or even waiting at the dentist. They’ll make a scene the minute they feel like they’re not the center of attention.

Those are the type of people that make a scene at a restaurant if the “ice cream is too cold” or have a meltdown at the dentist if they have to wait a few minutes longer.

To see if your new friend or partner is guilty of this, just observe how they treat others around them. Do they get impatient or downright evil if they don’t get the special treatment they think they deserve?

If the answer’s yes, then that may be a HUGE red flag!

·   They are quick to snap if things don’t go the way they want

Narcissists are known to be unable to handle rejection or failure or anything of that matter that indicates things aren’t going the way they want or expect.

And what’s even worse, not only are behaving extremely irrational when things take a down turn (because hey, you can’t control life), they take it out on those around them.

It’s like watching a grown up toddler throw a tantrum for a menial reason.  

On top of that, even if you suggest ways of handling the disappointment, they never ever want to take responsibility for their own life… and would rather point fingers to others.

If you have a narcissist in your life, I’m sorry but expect to be guilty for whatever’s happening in their life 9 out of 10 times. Someone else (the cashier at Walmart, the Uber driver) will take the fault the 10th time but never the narcissist.

Life doesn’t always turn the way we want and being able to cope with that fact is one of the keys to being happy, content and at peace with yourself.

 

Can you - and should you - try to change narcissists? 

Look, I’m going to be real with you here.

It may sound harsh but… safe yourself the headache. And the heartache. 

It’s going to be tempting to try - and yes, you’ll think that you’re “different” and that you can change them - but….. It usually doesn’t work like that. 

You can’t help narcissists simply because most of them don’t want to be helped. They don’t think there’s anything wrong with them in the first place. 

Even if you bring them to your therapist's office and make them go there… two thirds of narcissists willing to work with someone give up after a few sessions only. 

True, they are people just like the rest of us and we should try to understand them and help them as much as possible (without eroding our own personal boundaries) but building genuine connections with narcissists is downright impossible. 

In my humble experience, the only way they can be helped is if they agree to work with a therapist and at the same time, work on developing their empathy. There’s no other way. 

I know this is too big of a topic so I’m going to slowly wrap things up now but I’d love to hear your opinion and your experience with narcissists. 

Have you ever had to deal with a narcissist? Be in a relationship with a narcissist? Have someone in your family that’s a narcissist? 

I’d love to hear your stories and your experience, let’s talk more about this topic and help each other! 

Resources

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/narcissism

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201812/how-spot-narcissist

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201411/are-you-narcissist-infographic

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/narcissism-demystified/201910/the-6-most-asked-questions-about-coping-narcissists

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/201910/is-narcissism-treatable

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/raging-grace/202001/rethinking-relationship-living-narcissist

Spot Your Emotional Baggage™. Don’t delay your chance to experience emotional release any further than today. from bernadette balla on Vimeo.

4 Happiness Illusion that Steal Away Your Joy!

Here are 4 happiness illusion that steals away your joy.

[h2] 1. I’ll be happier if I had that special someone in my life right now! 

You know the feeling of seeing happy couples anywhere you turn? I wanted SO bad to be one of them! 

I wanted not only to be in a relationship but to have someone to hold my hand, open doors for me, buy me flowers, call before bed, have someone to come back home to… I was so desperate to experience all of that relationship stuff that it literally hurt me to watch other ppl be together.

To me, being a couple equaled being happy. 

Don’t get me wrong – I wasn’t jealous of them, and I sure didn’t envy people in a bad way. I just wished I had what they have because then, my brain convinced me that I could finally – FINALLY! – be happy! 

And as always, life or destiny or fate or the Universe – whoever you want – found a way to do a reality check with me. 

I was suddenly stuck in the most life-sucking, loveless relationship you can imagine. I mean, there was love – but now that I look back, it was one-sided.  

It took me years to learn that you can’t expect your partner to fill out your void. You can’t expect your partner to satisfy your emotional cravings. You can’t expect your partner to help you deal with the trauma from the past.

It’s not fair but even if it were fair, it’s completely impossible for someone else to make you happy – every day, all day long.  

I spend most of the time on my own today – I eat lunch alone, I take myself out on dinner dates, I live alone and yet, I swear, I haven’t felt lonely for a minute! 

Hollywood and all of those rom-coms we’ve soaked up as kids have really messed with our heads and the expectations we have from romantic relationships. The princess in the movie is always miserable on her own but once Prince Charming shows up along in her life, she suddenly has everything, yada yada! 

Yeah… it doesn’t work like that in real life.  

The truth is, it takes a lot of work to be part of a healthy, emotionally-satisfying relationship. Both sides have to be willing to participate and make compromises if you want it to work in the long run. 

Both sides have to be happy on their own before they can be happy together! 

Your partner can only be PART of your life and PART of the reason why you’re happy. The rest is up to you – you have to make yourself happy first. It’s my best advice to you, before you even consider getting into a relationship, know what makes you happy and know how to make yourself happy without needing anyone.

Any other way, and you’ll be putting just too much of a burden on your partner and too much of a burden on yourself. 

[h2] 2. I’ll be happy once I get a promotion/buy a house/move to New York 

Trust me, if there was a Happiness destination, I’d take you all with me. It’s just that being happy doesn’t exactly work this way. 

We all have goals we work for in life. Most of the time, we want to do something because we believe that in the end, it’s going to change our life for the better.

When I was in college, while working on getting my degree, money was tight. Naturally, I believed that a job that pays well is the solution to all my problems. 

Next thing I know, I have a job. And it pays well. And I love working. But soon after, I’m restless again. What if I could get a promotion – and earn even more money? 

I have everything I’ve ever wanted and you know what happens? I’m feeling miserable! I’m crying myself to sleep, I’m anxious, and I’m depressed even though according to my brain, I should’ve been the happiest woman on the planet. 

That’s what happens to all of us once we realize that happiness doesn’t hide in the next big promotion or the next big house. Actually, once you buy a big house, soon after you want a bigger house. And after you get a bigger house, you start wanting an even bigger house. 

Now, asking for more and wanting more out of life is definitely, definitely not a bad thing. It’s just that it puts your focus on the FUTURE, rather than on the present! Happiness is never in the future, it never hides in a future moment – happiness is right here and right now. 

Nowadays, there are bits and moments when I realize just how happy I am. Tiny, fleeting moments where I’m suddenly like – oh wow, I’m really happy now! I’m sitting in my apartment, it’s raining outside but nothing too bad; I see the San Francisco skyline; Leo’s napping on the couch, and I have music playing in the background. What’s there NOT to be happy about? 

All of that I just described is making me ten times as happy than any of the big checks or big promotions ever made me feel! 

[h2] 3. Happiness is a lie! 

There was a time in my life when deep down, I was convinced it’s all a lie. The happy life is a lie. Happiness is a lie. There’s no such thing as a happy life. 

Looking back at it from this perspective, I’m pretty sure I was going through a VERY bad patch in life. I was angry at the world, I was angry at the people around me but mostly, I was angry with myself. 

I wish I could tell you there was one particular event that changed my life and opened my heart in a way that taught me how to allow myself to feel but the reality is, it took me years to accept the whole emotional spectrum.  

There’s this common belief that a happy life doesn’t involve any sadness or frustration or anger or disappointment – and that’s just not true. Again, Hollywood movies, I blame you!  

We’ve spent years labeling emotions as positive and negative, learning to attract more of the good vibes and avoid the bad ones but unfortunately, that’s not how any of this works. 

The whole point of unpleasant emotions is to help us raise our own awareness and find out what’s wrong – are we missing out on something? Is our heart aching for something else? Do we have any emotional needs that need to be met? 

After years and years on working on myself and my own personal development, after a lot of heartache and taking as much time as I needed to heal my old wounds, I learned it’s impossible to have the yang without the yin.

Emotions are there to be felt but emotions alone aren’t the only indicator of a good life because honestly now… emotions sometimes do get the best of all of us.

Being happy at one particular moment doesn’t mean we’ll never again feel anger or disappointment or grief. However, feeling all of those things doesn’t wipe away happiness because that’s just not how happiness works! 

If you’re going through a period in life where you think all of this – the hours you invest in working and improving yourself – are pointless, here’s your reminder to be gentle to yourself. Express whatever it is you’re feeling – resentment, fear, disappointment – and make room to feel something amazing. I guarantee, you won’t regret it! 

[h2] 4. Everybody’s happy but me! 

Are you on social media? You probably are. We all are. 

You know, I’ve been using social media for more than a decade now. You know I live in SF, so you could basically say I watched how social media was born. I knew the people working on it behind the scenes… I knew what they wanted to achieve… and yet, I fell victim to it. 

Better said, I fell victim to the content I saw online. 

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against social media, and neither should you. 

As long as you use it right, social media is a wonderful tool, however, the problem is, how many of us can stay immune to the comparison that stems from using social media? 

That’s right, no one! 

We’ve all been there. 

We’ve felt bad when we saw friends having fun on Instagram stories without us. 

We’ve felt a sting of jealousy and regret when we stalked our ex and found out he’s dating a new girl now. 

We’ve all wondered whether we’re doing alright with our careers when we see posts about people getting promoted or landing better jobs or achieving big things while we’re still struggling to make ends meet. 

And we’ve all taught to ourselves, even if it’s for a tiny, insignificant millisecond - everyone’s happy but me…….. We’ve felt worthless, unproductive, and ultimately, UNHAPPY, just because of a tiny little image we saw on our phone. How crazy is that? 

But the life we see others living on social media is not real life. Think about it - you probably don’t post as much about your failures as much as you do about your victories? Well, the same applies to others!

We control social media, we decide what we see there, and we decide whether we allow it to make us feel lonely or not worthy of love or like a complete failure but every time you’re tempted to think any thoughts like that, just remember that no one has a perfect life. 

Everyone has some good days and some bad days but in the end, we decide what we choose to focus on. Put your focus on the good days, shine some gratitude on whatever’s going good for you! 

I encourage you to start using social media as a place to lift and inspire others, as a place where you seek motivation and inspiration, not as a place where you compare yourself to others. 

You have all the freedom in the world to design your feed, and don’t be scared to unfollow people or brands who make you feel bad or unworthy or unhappy... 

And remember, if someone’s life seems too good to be true…. Then you’re not far away from the truth! 

Spot Your Emotional Baggage™. Don’t delay your chance to experience emotional release any further than today. from bernadette balla on Vimeo.

Learning your life lesson

Don’t take other people’s actions too personally

You know, I used to think that EVERYTHING that happens to me is connected to me, my behavior and my actions.

You know how sometimes you walk down the street and someone runs into you? Well, I had that happen to me at least a few times and most of the time, we apologize to one another and life goes on.

But this time, I’m walking down the street, minding my own business, when a lady bumps into me. But she bumped into me like real hard! I said something along the lines of oops, excuse me!... and that’s when she had the worst MELTDOWN I’ve witnessed in years.

All the yelling and shouting and oh wow, you could tell she was really, really upset.

You know, the old Bernadette, I’d be pretty shaken up if that happened to me a few years ago. I’d question my actions and whether I’d said something wrong that upset her or whether maybe I’m the one that ran into her, not the other way around. 

And this is just a small, minor example – how many times have we made a scene or we felt bad just because we genuinely believed other people’s words and actions have to do something with us?

Lesson number one learned – you CANNOT take other people’s actions and words too personally! They are a reflection of their reality and usually have more to do with what’s going on in their life rather than what’s going on with you!  People come and go in your life and there’s pretty much nothing you can do about it

I still sometimes catch myself  getting waaay too emotionally attached to the people around me. 

I care about the most random people I encounter in daily life – like the receptionist in my building, my hairdresser, and even the people I work with!

Naturally, as with anything else, there comes a time when we have to move to greener pastures. Someone gets a promotion or finds a better job – whatever the reason.

What I also realized is that’s my luggage from the past altering my perception of reality. I’ve talked before about having abandonment issues but it hasn’t been until, well, last year or this year, that I can confidently say I’m finally comfortable with people coming and going in my life.

The truth is, I felt abandoned even though the person leaving my life didn’t abandon me – they just moved on with life. However, until I got my abandonment issues under control, even random acquaintances leaving my life could act as a trigger to me.

Lesson number two learned – people come and go in life and there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s okay if some people choose to walk on a path that’s not meant for you – it has nothing to do with you and who you are! So wish them well and if it’s meant to be, you’ll meet again once your paths cross!

 

You can learn a lot from animals about perseverance

I’ve told you by now about Leo, haven’t I?

Leo is my charming Bengal cat that’s been my close companion for what, three years already.

As with any other cat, it’s very important to keep him from getting bored so my furniture doesn’t suffer, haha!

Anyway, I bought Leo one of those cat food toys – you put food inside and he’s supposed to figure out how to get it out. Cat experts say food toys are an excellent source of entertainment and can help satisfy Leo’s hunting needs.

But I had no idea that the cat toys are so difficult to crack – believe it or not, even I couldn’t get one small piece of food unstuck from a little purple toy. And there am I, thinking how is HE supposed to get it out when he has paws and I have fingers and even I couldn’t get it out.

Then I said to myself, ah forget it, he has other toys to play with and went on with my day.

I had to leave him alone for a few hours and once I came back home, do you know what happened? Yup, you got that right – Leo had his snack out of the toy!!!

I still have no idea how he manages to get his snacks out of his toys but he manages to do so every single time!

That got me thinking – are we humans giving up too soon? Are we so spoiled by convenience and technology and having it easy that we’ve unconsciously believe that either we have something right here, right now – or it’s not worth having?! 

Realizing this had been mind-blowing!

I live in Silicon Valley, I live in a city full of entrepreneurs and everyone talks about grinding hard and never giving up… and yet I see so many of them, so-called tech entrepreneurs, jumping from one idea to the next simply because the first one didn’t work out. 

No one has the patience or the nerve needed to stick to something long enough to actually see if their idea is any good.  

Lesson number three learned – having a bit more perseverance in life is good. It may be a bit of trial and error at first but we’re all soon going to figure it out, as long as we believe in ourselves for a tiny bit longer. Just look at Leo, that’s what he did – and he did get his snack!

 

Sometimes, all you need is a friend to help you snap out of it

I have one nega… well, it’s not exactly negative because sometimes it can be good that I’m able to put a lot of focus into something, such as my work but let’s say there’s this particular thing about me – I can hyperfocus on something or someone so much, even if that’s something’s not always good, that I lose interest in everything else going on around me.

I can’t think about anything else and I can’t do anything else, nearly to the point of me obsessing about it.

I know it’s not the healthiest thing but I’m aware of it and working on it, and I just wanted to share a funny thing that happened to me related to that.  

On one of my networking events, I meet this guy, we exchange numbers and start talking. To me, it was purely business at first but then he goes and asks me out.

To be completely honest with you here, that came as a bit of a shock to me – it was unexpected and I didn’t see it coming.  

So I agree to go out with him, we have a nice little dinner, chat, everything’s great. I’m still not really warmed up to this guy but I say to myself, Bernadette, you have to give other people a chance! So then we meet up again, we talk over some nice California wine and I think to myself, hmmmm, he’s not that bad, not exactly my type but not too bad!

After the dates, we keep texting and talking, everything seems as if we’re going somewhere… not as in a relationship but somewhere. All’s great until the guy disappears – just like that, just out of the blue.

And to be honest, for some reason, THAT REALLY GOT TO ME!

Enter, the Bernadette that can get hyperfocused and waste her mental energy on an event and on a person that meant NOTHING in her life! Just being honest with you here, ladies and gentlemen, everyone gets ghosted.

If you could only see what was going on in my head, I bet you’d laugh. I was furious – HE WAS the one asking me out! I didn’t even like him! Why did I say yes!

In the midst of my anger, I pick up the phone and call one of my girlfriends.

After I explain everything to her, she starts laughing. 

Then she goes – but did you like him?

And I say, no, not really. He wasn’t my type and we don’t have a lot in common. 

My friend says – so you didn’t have anything in common, you didn’t even like him at first but you’re now upset he suddenly disappeared… have you considered that maybe you liked the attention you were getting, and not the actual person? Also, it’s been proved that we start liking someone MORE once we see they don’t like us as much…. Soooooooo, don’t know that much about him but I’d say that you’ve somehow manipulated yourself into liking him.

And then I realized – she’s 100% right. I don’t even like this guy. I’m not even looking to date anyone. What in the world, Bernadette?

Well, here’s some raw honesty for you all: it felt good to be liked by someone. The attention felt nice. It felt nice to have the phone buzz with a text message every now and then. 

And just like that, my infatuation ended right there and then. I snapped out of it – because it wasn’t even infatuation to begin with, it was my mind and this guy’s hot and cold strategy playing tricks on me.

He probably didn’t like me for real either – he was probably just bored waiting to switch jobs or something, I don’t know. Because you don’t do that to people you really like and you’re really interested in.

By the way, I still haven’t heard from him but I’m so glad we stopped hanging out – it’s obvious we weren’t on the same page.

Lesson number four learned – you can’t force anything in life. The right relationship for me is the one that organically develops over a longer period of time, and my gut says my relationship’s going to come out of a friendship with someone i already know. Also, share your stories with the people around you that you trust – you’ll never know when they’ll help you snap out of it! 

Spot Your Emotional Baggage™. Don’t delay your chance to experience emotional release any further than today. from bernadette balla on Vimeo.

How to stop your past messing with your future

To listen to the podcast episode on:

Spotify click hereApple click hereThe other day, I ran into a high school friend of mine.You know how sometimes you run into someone and you immediately start talking about everything and it’s like time’s stopped, you’re back in high school and everything’s the same?

Well, that same thing happened to us and we ended up chatting for hours in a local Starbucks.She told me she headed East for a while after college but was now planning on settling back in town, for which I’m really, really excited!

Now, let me tell you a thing or two about my friend – for the sake of convenience, we’ll name her Cate.

She’s this really gorgeous, tall, blond woman. She’s very successful, she’s traveled a lot, and she’s going places in life, know what I mean? It’s like she has the PERFECT life – at least when you look at her from the side.

What blew my mind away was when she said she really, really struggles to find a partner. Not a boyfriend, not a husband – I don’t think she cares about the titles – but a real honest life partner you can trust.

Cate had a bad case of acne and was bullied a lot like a teenager. A lot of the guys made fun of her looks and called her Cauliflower Head, which is awful and heartbreaking and just traumatizing!

I knew she has a hard time dating but I never realized the extent to which Cate’s problem still goes on – almost 20 years down the line! AND NOW, SHE HAS A MIRROR FACE – you can actually google this, it’s a thing when your face is spotless and mirror-like!

She confessed the single status is bothering her more than she wants to admit but every time she goes on a date, she feels really self-conscious and feels VERY uncomfortable if the guy looks at her for a second longer.

When I opened her Instagram profile, I noticed her captions don’t celebrate the life she currently has – so what if you’re single?! – but instead, add up to the pressure of finding a boyfriend.

Cate has captions like eating alone, again L or all the married people be like and I’m over here doing XYZ….. and I eat alone on most days, which is totally fine. And I do things both singles and married people do, know what I mean?

The impression it gave me was that she settled down on being Cauliflower Head for the rest of her life and she wants to retell her story over and over again in every possible way.  

Cate let her high school bullies – a bunch of 16-year olds who knew NOTHING about life – define her life script and the way she spends her life! It’s alarming what our emotional baggage can do to us!

I think my friend is a great person and has a lot to offer emotionally and she’d be a great partner only if LET GO OF HER EMOTIONAL BURDEN!

 

 [h2] Why do we struggle with our emotional burden?  

I explained everything to her that everyone sees a different reality of the same thing. While I really, reaaaaaally LOVE my alone time, she sees it as a big downside in her life. Mindblowing, right?!

It’s the same thing – I eat dinner alone; she eats dinner alone. But the way we think of it is what defines how we FEEL! It took me years to accept the fact that my dad abandoned me and that being ALONE doesn’t mean being lonely – it’s me who has the ability to label the time spent alone as LONELY or FUN.

Our beliefs and values are what defines how we feel but our PAST TRAUMA also plays a huge role in forming our system of values and beliefs.

Unpleasant memories and events create our EMOTIONAL BURDEN. Think of your emotional burden as your very own backpack that you carry with you all the time. Everywhere you go, that backpack comes with you!

Naturally, if you’ve ever felt bad around guys or bad on a date, your brain goes – A-ha! Eureka! This is what makes me feel bad, so let’s just avoid this part forever and problem solved!

And that’s why letting go of your emotional baggage is so hard. It’s not as simple as – oh, just forget about it! – it’s about completely rebooting your system of beliefs and values you have about life.

 

My friend Cate firmly believes it’s impossible for men – for anyone really – to really like her and her insecurity about her looks (even though she looks dead gorgeous now!!!) are holding her back from experiencing some really wonderful things. 

She said that each time she goes on a date, she feels uncomfortable if the guy sitting across the table is staring at her face. I reminded her that he’s probably not even staring at her face looking to find something he DOESN’T LIKE – the guy is probably just looking at her more intensely because he’s really into her! I would stare at a beautiful blond woman like that!  

But the backpack on Cate’s back – her emotional burden – is shaping how Cate thinks and feels on each date!

 

 

[h2] Are you nodding your way until here?

We’ve all been where Cate is right now, myself included.

If your emotional baggage is stopping you from living your best life, here are some strategies you can use to get rid of your emotional burden!  

 

[h3] Look at yourself from a third-person perspectiveWe’re the only living things on the planet that can mentally rewind our lives. We can press play and look back in the past or press play and try and predict the future.  

That same process enables the brain to learn from our past mistakes or be aware of future consequences to protect us and help us survive.

When we encounter a situation – and going on a date or a job interview is a “situation” for the brain – the first thing our brain does is look for a SIMILAR situation that has already happened to us so it can gives us hints and pointers on what’s the best way to handle it.

Let’s say, you get really anxious at job interviews and you struggle to present yourself in the right light.

If you take the time to dig a bit deeper, I guarantee you that you will find the situation zero, as I like to call it – the situation where it all started.

It doesn’t even have to be a job interview - it can be something that happened to you back in elementary school! For example, if your first ever admittance test went really bad, your brain will make a mental note out of it every time you have to talk to someone of “higher authority” like a HR manager!

The brain immediately recognized any similarities and makes us feel the SAME way we felt back then even if the present situation has NOTHING to do with the past one! It’s so easy to feel like a sad six-year-old again, isn’t it? Well, now you know that’s just your brain playing tricks on you!

To make yourself snap out of it, take the third-person perspective. This is something another dear friend of mine taught me and it helps me get the REAL perspective instead of holding onto what my BRAIN thinks it’s real.  

Look at yourself from a distance – what would that situation look and feel like to a total stranger, someone who didn’t have your bad experience?

Would it be as big as you imagine it in your head?

Would you react the same way?

Would you feel the same way?

99% of the time, that answer is NO!

This has really helped me snap out of an anxious mood and put things into perspective. 

Another exercise I find useful is to pretend that a friend of yours is dealing with the same situation you’re dealing with now. What advice would you give them? This allows you to offer a rational but compassionate advice – because who gives friends bad advice, right?

And I’ve also realized this works wonders because it helps me be kind to myself in difficult times instead of putting myself down for “acting out” – we all know it’s really easy to give advice to others but really hard when it comes to taking our own advice.

 

[h3] What are the beliefs holding you back?

As you all know, I quit my job to run my business full time.

As someone who spent years at a corporate job, I felt very unproductive during the first few weeks simply because I didn’t feel like working from 9 to 5. I often worked either really early in the morning or late at night, while everyone’s sleeping and everything’s quiet.

It took me at least a couple of weeks to realize that I don’t have to work from 9 to 5 now – I can work whenever I want.

So I took pen and paper and wrote down the beliefs I have about being success and it blew my mind away when I realized one of my old beliefs claimed that people who work from 9 to 5 are successful.

Once you dissect your beliefs like that – especially the beliefs that stem from emotional trauma – you’re going to discover a whole new world that GUIDES your mood on a daily level.

I can’t believe I was being hard on myself just because in my head, working late into the night didn’t equal success.

Then, once you’re aware of the beliefs holding you back, you can replace them with NEW beliefs that actually serve you!  

You can do the same with whatever is causing you to feel bad about yourself.

Let’s say you think all men are liars.

Instead of stubbornly holding onto your belief, find the past events that shaped your belief.

Was it that your dad lied to your mom? Did your ex-boyfriend cheat and lie?

It doesn’t matter why you have it, as long as you’re aware of the fact that it doesn’t serve you anymore!

Another thing about beliefs is that the more you focus on a belief, the more you’ll find the proof that confirms that belief of yours.

If you think all men are liars, the only thing that happens is that you find more evidence of all men being liars! If you think all men are interested only in good looks, you find more evidence of men doing that!

It’s the same principle from the Law of Attraction – if you keep thinking about red cars, you’ll keep seeing red cars everywhere you go!

To put an end to all of that, you need to reverse the process or in other words, convince your brain that your old belief is no longer true.

Again, if we take the same example of all men being liars, then look for evidence that supports your new belief: not all men are liars!

Ask your friends and family to tell you examples – there are some wonderful stories about people who’ve kept their marriage vows for 40 years or more. There are long-term relationships where people don’t cheat. There are short-term relationships that fell apart for other reasons – but cheating and lying was NEVER the problem!

 

[h3] Black and white thinking is a no-no

That brings me to my last point – we really like to think in black and white.

It’s how we’ve been programmed ever since the beginning of our lives and it’s really difficult to train yourself how NOT to think like that.

The whole educational system we have in place doesn’t allow for a lot of creative thinking, to say the least. Thinking outside the box and looking for more options.

So we grow up believing that things are either black or white – which is not always true.

Our emotional baggage only makes it more difficult to find the right balance.

Take the same example: all men are liars!

Reality is somewhere in-between: not every man is honest but not every man is a liar. Each man to its own or better said, it’s not always black or white, it’s most often grey!

Try to train your brain not to think in extremes as that plays a huge part in letting go of your emotional baggage.

Let’s say you have a date arranged this weekend – don’t think that either it’s going to be a total disaster or that you’ll fall madly in love right away. What are the odds of any of that happening?

Let me tell you right away – very, very slim!

Chances are, you’re going to have a nice dinner with – hopefully! – a nice man or a woman, and then you’ll take it from there!

Doing a reality check and snapping out of your black and white thinking helps you fight unrealistic expectations and saves you from a lot of anxious thoughts!

 

[h3] You decide on your life’s narrative!

Before we wrap it up for the day, let me tell you one thing – YOU DECIDE ON YOUR LIFE’S NARRATIVE!

I’ve heard stories about people who never manage to move on after trauma and that really saddens me. Past emotional trauma can sometimes be like a pair of glasses that we wear and everything we see, we see through it. It’s the first thing we tell others and it’s the thing we let us define the most.

So my advice today is to try and take off your glasses. It’s not an easy process but it’s not impossible either and it totally depends on you.

You decide what your life’s story going to be like – whether you’re a victim of circumstance or a hero. And let me tell you, heroes and survivors DO have more fun!

You know you can always get in touch with me if you want to talk a past trauma – thank you for your time today!

And if you enjoyed this blog, don’t forget to share it with someone who may enjoy it as well! 

Spot Your Emotional Baggage™. Don’t delay your chance to experience emotional release any further than today. from bernadette balla on Vimeo.

How to talk to your unconscious the right way

When I say the correct way, I mean in a way that you can decipher what your subconscious and unconscious parts are trying to tell you via your dreams. 

How often do you dream? Are your dreams black and white or in color? 

Do you remember your dreams? 

How are dreams making you feel – positive or negative? 

Are there recurring dreams that you keep on dreaming but have no clue what it means? 

Are there any people you dream more often than others? 

My interest in dreams is recent and even though I’ve been a spiritual person for decades, I’m going to go on and admit that I hadn’t been paying much attention to my dreams until a few years ago. 

I was blown away by the whole concept of dreaming and how the unconscious uses our dreams to materialize whatever’s going on deep within us. 

Everything we suppress or don’t talk about or ignore is coming back to haunt us in our dreams. Haunt is probably too strong of a word to use here but bear with me for a while, I’ll explain why I’ve used it. 

To me, the moment I realized that dreams aren’t only random images we see in our Rapid Eye Movement stage part of  the dream was life-changing. 

I immediately got obssessed and started exploring more about Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung and any other therapist that tried to figure out what the hell do our dreams mean. 

What prompted me to dive even deeper in the field of dreams was a recurring dream of mine. You know how sometimes, there’s this dream that we keep on dreaming over and over again?

Well, that’s exactly what happened to me. 

For some people, that’s running away from something – for example, my college roommate kept dreaming she and her family are trying to escape a war for YEARS!

Others keep seeing the same place in their dream – and even more common, they keep dreaming that they’re stuck.  

My recurring dream was FALLING. 

For years, I kept dreaming that I’m falling in all sorts of different situations. 

I’d dream that I’m standing on the top of a tall building and people are watching me, expecting me to jump…. And instead of jumping and flying, I end up falling.  

I’d dream that I’m stuck on a cliff, overlooking a MASSIVE canyon when my leg slips… woah, just the thought of that canyon is enough to give me chills and make me feel a knot in my stomach. 

FALLING is one of the MOST COMMON dreams people have, so I didn’t pay much attention to it. 

I googled the meaning a few times but it was always you’re upset about something, something’s stressing you out in real life, blah blah blah. And since I’m mortified of heights anyway, it made perfect sense. 

My thinking went something along these lines: I’m scared of heights so my brain probably remembers the last time I took the elevator to the 50th floor or something, nothing’s wrong, I’m good to go. 

Why dreams can’t be interpreted the same

There’s data that people have been dreaming for as long as the human race exists. Even animals dream and relive their days all over again.

Since our dreams can be very realistic, people have always tried to give them meaning. 

Some cultures considered – actually, still consider – dreams to hold predictions for the future. Others believe that’s how spirits communicate with us from the other world and send us messages or give us warnings.  

Different cultures interpret dreams differently. For example, dreaming of an owl might mean death in some cultures, wisdom in another one, and hearing big news in a third one.

So which one’s right? 

The truth is, there’s no right answer here. 

An owl can mean anything… and it really depends on the person who dreams of an owl. 

If you’ve ever tried to interpret dreams on your own and you looked it up on Google, then you were probably left with more questions than answers. 

That happens because we expect there to be a one-size-fit-all formula for dream interpretations – and that’s just not how it works.

To figure out what YOUR dreams mean, you have to approach them from an individual point of view. 

Let’s say I dreamt of a purple cow last night and you dreamt of a purple cow last night too. 

Our purple cows don’t have the same meaning. 

The only way to give meaning to my purple cow is to look at what’s going on in my life right now. 

Am I waking up my creativity? YES! Am I allowing my energy to flow more freely and be more unusual? YES! 

Am I doing weird and unconventional things that make me stand out in a crowd? ALSO YES!  

But your purple cow can’t be and shouldn’t be interpreted the same as mine and I’m going to explain to you why. 

You know how I mentioned Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung earlier? 

Well, they both agreed that dreams are messages from the unconscious. 

So your purple cow has a completely different message from your unconscious than mine purple cow. 

However, I also feel like I should add that messages from the unconscious and the subconscious aren’t – and shouldn’t – be seen as a negative thing. 

Even if our dreams are unpleasant, and even if we sometimes decipher them as warning signs or we think of them as a peek into our deepest, darkest fears… reality is, not every message from our unconscious is negative or bad. 

Believe it or not, most of the messages we receive from the unconscious are completely neutral and simply point us to our internal conflicts and ways to solve them! 

Again, both Freud and Jung agreed that even our darkest dreams, you know, the ones that have you wake up drenched in sweat, usually don’t only point out to the problem… but also point out to the solution as well! 

So how do you know if you need to pay extra attention to a dream? 

Easy – follow how you feel after waking up! 

Vivid, realistic dreams, and dreams that leave you experiencing a deep emotion are usually the dreams you should do something about. 

And there’s one simple thing you can do that will help you find more answers: that thing’s called active imagination. 

What is active imagination

Active imagination is sort of a mindfulness exercise that allows you to talk to your unconscious. 

You can also think of it as creative thinking, as thinking outside the box – or put most simply, as meeting your unconscious halfway!

Before we go on, here’s a fun fact concerning active imagination: believe it or not, active imagination isn’t only used in psychotherapy. Active imagination is a skill that comes in handy in every possible field, especially in science.

It’s basically a form of an exercise where you allow your thoughts to freely move in every possible direction in order to find a solution.

Archimedes and the moment of his eureka! were possible because he used active imagination: he imagined his body being a gourd of water. Einstein also solved more than a few problems with active imagination – he imagined himself as a photon on a horizon of velocities.  

So now you’re wondering what that has to do with your dreams. 

We’re going to go over how to use the concept of active imagination to find out the meaning behind your dreams, solve internal conflicts, and release hidden emotional baggage holding you back. 

You can use active imagination in any form you’d like. 

Some people draw images and let the hand move freely. Others engage in a written or spoken conversation with their unconscious. Some create music or paint with oil – I’ve heard stories of people dancing as a way to express their unconscious. 

It’s a personal choice really, and you use whatever type of “medium” you’re comfortable with. 

The way I do it, I have spoken conversations with my unconscious. 

I use my phone to record the conversation as to not get distracted by writing or remembering what’s being said… so basically, yes, I’m talking to myself out loud BUT without restricting myself.  

I know it sounds silly but trust me, once you remove yourself from all the mental “boxes” – once you start talking without filtering yourself –  and get rid of all the expectations of what you’re supposed to do or say or think… you reveal a side of you that you’ve never known. 

I’ve used active imagination not only to find the meaning behind my dreams but also to solve my procrastination and find the reason why certain people trigger way too strong of an emotional reaction in me. 

The best part is that this whole concept works AMAZINGLY well on the first try, which is ideal for beginners. 

You know how the story usually goes…  most people struggle to keep the mind silent as they meditate and can’t seem to reach the state of mindfulness, which I’m going to admit, can be frustrating and make you to give up. 

But not with this concept. Active imagination works right off the bat and hits the nail on the head every single time. 

Here’s how you can do active imagination – give it a try and let me know if it works for you! 

How to use active imagination to talk to your unconscious and interpret your dreams

1. Find someplace quiet – you don’t want any distractions. You can sit or lie down – whatever’s comfortable for you. If you’re writing, have a piece of paper and a pen right next to you. 

2. Take a few deep breaths to fully focus. Now, invite your unconscious. I say something like, hey unconscious, this is Bernadette, can we please talk? For me, the answer comes straight away – and 99% of the time, it’s a yes. If you get a no, maybe try to calm down a bit before trying again. 

3. Once you’ve opened up the communication channel with your unconscious, recall the dream you want to find the meaning for. You can recall people or places or objects… whatever has been appearing often in your dreams.  

4. Talk to your unconscious about it. Ask questions. Let’s take again the purple cow example – you can ask something like, why am I seeing a purple cow? What is she doing there? Why is my grandma petting the purple cow? Why is the cow purple? What does purple mean to me? 

5. Then let your unconscious do the talking. You’d be surprised by the answers that pop up! For example, your purple cow can be your creativity trying to come out of you or a strong emotion you’re feeling but struggle to express – I’m just thinking out loud, you have to find out on your own! 

6. Repeat for as many questions as necessary and keep going. As soon as you sense that you’re overthinking and filtering your answers, stop and give it another try some other time. 

Everyone gets sad sometimes. And that’s okay!

The myth of ever-lasting happiness 

First I finished high school, then I went to college, then to graduate school, then I landed a great job in SF… I did everything by the book. 

And yet, even though I lived through plenty of happy moments throughout, I still felt sad sometimes. I still had bad days. I still didn’t want to leave my room sometimes. 

To me, that was an absolute deal-breaker. 

I was not ALLOWED to feel bad – for any reason whatsoever. 

How dare my brain make me feel something else than pure joy? 

That’s not the life I imagined to have, I used to think to myself. 

I had it all, I was supposed to ALWAYS be happy and yet I wasn’t. Where’s my happiness now?!, I so unreasonably demanded someone to answer. 

The way I saw it, living a happy life was the opposite of living an unhappy life. 

In my mind, people were either happy or sad – never both. I couldn’t comprehend that both happiness and sadness could coexist – pretty happily, mind you – on the same spectrum.  

It wasn’t until I crashed hard and hit rock bottom that I realized just how unfair I was to myself. I held myself to expectations no human being could ever live up to.

Turns out, there’s this myth of a happy life we’ve been fed all our lives. 

In that myth, there’s no room for sadness or doubt or fear or anger… or any other emotion dubbed unpleasant on the spectrum. 

You see that myth everywhere around you: in books, magazines, movies, commercials, people talk about it, people hustle hard trying to turn it into a reality. 

I want to be happy when I grow up has become a mandatory goal for everyone…  

And in a society that values “good emotions only” being sad feels like being a failure. 

The truth about happiness & sadness

But that’s just not how it works. 

Sadness is one of our main emotions that we need in our day to day life. 

Mind you, we’re not talking here about chronic depression – I just hate how often sadness is being connected with depression when that’s just not the case – … that’s completely different. 

We’re talking about being sad for… reasons. 

Someone you love moves away on the other side of the country. You hear about the bushfires in Australia and you feel bad for all the animals that lost their lives. You have an argument with a loved one and things don’t end up well. 

That type of sadness often feels like an invisible weight we’re left carrying around with us. 

The problem is, a lot of people struggle to identify what they’re feeling. They feel bad but don’t know the reason: they’re refusing to let themselves feel bad. And pinpointing sadness isn’t always easy because hey, we’re complex people – there’s never ONLY one emotion we feel at a time, it’s often a mix of at least few. 

I’ve felt bad for the last few days and I didn’t know why. I was lethargic and unproductive and just wasn’t in the mood to do much. I had that feeling of carrying a burden within but couldn’t find out why. 

To my rational brain, there wasn’t a reason to feel blue… and yet that’s exactly how I felt. But our emotions can’t always be as rational as we expect them to be. 

Wanna know when I felt better? 

I only felt better after allowing myself to feel sad. 

The truth is, I’d been bothered with a particular problem for a while now, and that problem, apart from making me angry and disappointed, it also made me feel sad.  

I just didn’t want to admit the sad part to myself. The sadness was hiding beneath all that anger and disappointed because hey, being sad for something means we care. And I didn’t want to admit to myself that I actually cared more than I thought! 

So what did I do? 

Well, I got a bit emotional at first and once I allowed myself to feel sad, it all just started pouring out of me. Wave after wave after wave. I couldn’t believe just how much I’d been carrying around! 

I had a good cry, I admitted to myself what’s been hurting me and what’s the reason I respond so emotionally to a situation like that. 

And guess what… in as little as an hour, ONE HOUR, I felt re-energized, like my old self. 

All of that happened only after I allowed myself to feel SAD. 

So see, that’s how sadness and happiness can coexist in harmony.   

Feeling sad is great. It’s wonderful actually! It means that soon after, you’ll feel happy again! 

What to do about it? 

As you can see, I dealt with my sadness by crying. 

Some people talk to their friends. Others journal. Some go for a run. Some call their therapist. 

You choose what works for you. 

It’s okay if you do different things on different occasions. 

I felt like crying the other day and that did me good. Other times, I’ve called my friend and after talking for a few hours, I was as good as new. 

The method doesn’t matter as much as acknowledging the emotion first. 

Now, if you’re feeling a lot of different emotions and aren’t sure whether you’re sad or scared or angry, talking to yourself helps. 

To decide whether you’re sad or not, do two things: 

- Observe your body. Sadness has the ability to suck energy out of you, so if you’ve been procrastinating or just felt tired all the time, maybe do a quick self-check to make sure you’re allowing yourself to experience even the unpleasant emotions on the spectrum.

- Another thing I’ve found helpful is asking yourself reverse questions until you dig out the basic emotion underneath. 

For example, what am I feeling right now? I’m feeling very, very angry. 

What made me feel that emotion? My friends met up on a Friday night and I wasn’t invited. 

Why does being invited matters so much to me? I care for my friends and I also don’t want feeling left out. 

What happens if I feel that someone’s leaving me out? I get triggered because I have abandonment issues. 

What’s the reason for my abandonment issues? My father left me when I was young. 

And how did that make me feel? That made me feel sad. 

BOTTOM LINE: I may feel angry towards my friends but that’s just a surface emotion. The core emotion I’m feeling is sadness! 

This may be a dumb example but you see my point here. Just guide yourself through the process! 

How to tell if sadness is more than just sadness? 

So bottom line is, feeling something, even if that feels unpleasant, is good for you. LET YOURSELF FEEL. Give yourself permission to feel! 

BUT BUT BUT! I feel obligated to say this! 

Not all sadness is equal. 

If you notice you’re feeling blue for longer periods of time without an obvious reason (you’re not grieving or dealing with a loss), then do something about it. 

Let’s say, if during the last 5-6 months you’re more lethargic than usual, you don’t feel like doing anything, you’d rather stay home and do nothing – then talk to someone. 

Be that a friend or a therapist, just find someone to talk to. 

Remember, sadness is an emotion and emotions usually don’t last that long. 

There’s no shame in acknowledging your feelings and talking openly about them, so please, just talk to someone. We all need a little push from time to time and I promise you that you’ll feel better soon! 

Are you irrational – or is that just your unconscious?

What is the unconscious?

To put most simply, think of the unconscious as our basic operating system.

The fact that we’re not aware of it doesn’t mean that it’s not working.  

Actually, a lot of the things you do by default – things that don’t require you to actively think about doing them – are under the direction of your unconscious.

 Ah, the lovely, beautiful unconscious.

What’s the first thing that pops to mind when you hear the word unconscious?

I’m going to be honest with you here.

Before doing the deep work and learning how our brains and bodies work together, whenever someone mentioned the word unconscious all I could think about was Freud and his sex theories.

I know – how silly of me!

But in the last 50 or so years, we’ve been trained to associate Freud with the unconscious.

The unconscious got the reputation of being a dark place somewhere deep within our mind, filled with our deepest fears and naughtiest sex fantasies.

To younger Bernadette at the time, the unconscious was all about nasty trauma, wet dreams, and dysfunctional family relationship – a place no one wants to go. Well, at least not voluntarily. 

In the last few years, I’ve been reading a lot on the topic.

The more I’ve read, the more I’ve been finding proof that the unconscious isn’t as malicious a place as believed by many.

And believe it or not, the unconscious is much more than trauma and kinky stuff.

Basically, our unconscious is our most basic operating system.

My name’s Bernadette and join me here as we dive deep – pun intended – into the world of the unconscious.

 

What is the unconscious?

To put most simply, think of the unconscious as our basic operating system.

The fact that we’re not aware of it doesn’t mean that it’s not working.  

Actually, a lot of the things you do by default – things that don’t require you to actively think about doing them – are under the direction of your unconscious.

For example, you know how you never forget riding a bike? Even if you hadn’t used a bike in years, I can guarantee you that the minute you climb and start turning the pedals, it’s going to feel as if you’ve never stopped!

Or take another example – the way we drive.  

We sit in the car, turn the ignition on and then just drive.

Yes, we’re focused on the driving but we don’t think about the act of driving per se – it comes naturally to stay in the right lane, turn the wheel, and step on the brake.

All of that is ingrained into our memory and into our unconscious. In fact, it’s ingrained so well that our bodies just follow along.

BUT imagine you’re flying off to England tomorrow. You’re getting a rental there. Would the driving be as smooth?

Well, probably not.

The problem is, they’re driving on the LEFT and you’d probably have to drive a stick – not an automatic car.

Since that’s not something you do normally, it’s going to take a bit more additional conscious effort to drive in England.

This was a simple example just to help you understand that the unconscious isn’t dark or scary.

Think of it almost as an algorithm.

We’re feeding data into it – the unconscious is taking memos on everything that happens to us in daily life, draws conclusions based on what happened and then decides on the best action to take.

 

“But I feel like I’ve known him my whole life”

You know how sometimes you feel like you’ve known someone your whole life – even if you just met them?

Well, that’s your unconscious at play.

A while ago my friend calls me and she goes – Bernadette, I’ve met the love of my life! I’ve known from the minute I saw him – that’s him! I’ve been looking for him everywhere!

She met a guy and was obsessed with him, from the very first minute. 

Unfortunately, as magical as the story sounds, that didn’t end well and now I’m going to tell you why.

Put apart here the love hormones or the excitement of the honeymoon phase… that’s an integral part of every relationship.

The real mystery here is – why did she feel like she’s known him her whole life?

Well, the reason why she so quickly attached to a complete stranger is the unconscious.

Or in a lack of better words, you can blame the unconscious for the love at first sight!

The thing is, she never actually knew them.

Her unconscious recognized something familiar in him.

It could be the way the held the fork – and that reminded her of her grandpa, whom she deeply loved.

It could be the way the guy looked at her, the same way her mom did.

Something him – and it could be anything – his body language, cues, words, is familiar to your unconscious, which then feels familiar to you too.

The unconscious prefers the familiar.

To your unconscious, familiar is good.

Familiar is predictable and safe.

But unfortunately, that’s not how it always works out in real life – which is why we feel that love at first sight failed us. 

On the other hand, I’ve had a college friend who felt completely uncomfortable around men with beards.

It’s ridiculous when you first hear it but whenever she saw someone with a beard, her heart would start racing and she’d start sweating.

She had no clue why this happened and it goes without saying, it made her daily life complicated. I still remember when she was job interviewing and missed on a couple of great opportunities just because the HR guy had a beard!

After working with a therapist, she was able to dig deep and worked her way through a traumatic memory from her childhood.

When she was little, a man with a beard stole her mom’s purse and ran away. Luckily, no one got hurt and everyone was fine – so fine that my friend had literally forgotten all about this event.

However, her unconscious didn’t!!

 

Why your behavior is not irrational?

All of that proves you’re not being irrational or silly – you’re just performing under the guidance of your unconscious.

A similar pattern of behaving happens any time your unconscious thinks you’re in danger. Based on what it’s learned from your experience, and particularly on what it has learned from any traumatic experiences, it quickly takes defense.  

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a panic attack in the past just because I couldn’t reach someone I loved.

The same thing happened with my mom and with my ex-boyfriends and with my friends.

I immediately imagined the worst once they wouldn’t pick up and instead of being relieved when they finally did, I’d throw a tantrum. I was furious – how dare they NOT pick up right away when I worried about them!  

Later, I realized that’s just my unconscious trying to protect me from being hurt. All of that was a result of my abandonment issues. Because it’s easier to be mad than to get hurt, right?

Not a single emotion in the mix was a conscious decision of mine.

It took a lot of work, a lot of unpacking and tears, to be able to overcome… to choose to overcome this problem.

 

What to do?

If you recognize yourself in this podcast, I first want to tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you.

Everything’s fine – and you’re fine.

You’re not irrational or crazy or mad.

It’s just that you were hurt in the past and that messed up the algorithm in your head. Remember how we said that the unconscious is like an algorithm – it constantly learns and improved based on the experiences you feed it.

I know it’s stupid to say this… like wow, thanks Captain Obvious! Buuuut… do try to consciously feed your unconscious positive things.

You know, gratitude, being present in the moment, things like that.

It won’t solve everything but it’s going to help you relax and reduce the survival response when you’re not in a life-or-death situation.

If you can’t find the positive about a situation from the past, then think about all the lessons you’ve learned. If there’s literally nothing you’ve learned, then remind yourself that you wouldn’t be the person you are today if that hasn’t happened.  

I understand it’s tempting to keep asking why me or why has this happened to me but believe me, that’s the best way to stay stuck in the past or keep going around in circles forever.

Another thing that has helped me massively is just being aware of where the problem is. I may not be able to always predict the way I’m going to respond to something but I’m pretty good at telling whether there’s a real reason to get upset or my brain’s playing tricks on me.

For example, if I’m trying to reach someone and they don’t answer, I tell myself, in a nice way, that they’re probably fine – they’re maybe busy or in the bathroom or eating lunch or something.

I also try to predict future obstacles, so if I know that I want to talk to someone this week, I’ll schedule phone calls beforehand, which massively reduces my anxiety! 

 Did you learn something new? Tag me on @bernadetteballa on Instagram and let me know your thoughts. And find me on YouTube to watch videos about this.