How to Set (Healthy) Boundaries

Boundaries – the secret to keeping your wellbeing and mental health intact.

In a world where we have dozens of interactions with different people every single day, it’s crucial for you to decide on how you want – and don’t want! – others to treat you.

Boundaries help you build the foundation of every single relationship in your life, including the one you have with yourself, and ironically, give you more control over the things you can’t control, such as the behavior of others.

Here’s how to set healthy boundaries that actually work and protect your wellbeing from toxic people!  

1. You HAVE the right to have boundaries

EVERYONE should have boundaries WITHOUT feeling guilt – too bad they don’t teach this in school. Your boundaries are your invisible shield to the world – your safe space.

Having boundaries means that you have a healthy relationship with yourself and a solid dose of self-esteem. Start by deciding on your core values and being aware of what you value – and don’t value – in any type of relationship.

Let’s say, you probably value being friends with your mom – but you wouldn’t be thrilled if she reads your Instagram messages, right? Then that’s a boundary to set!

Don’t feel guilty for deciding to determine how far you’re willing to go for others and how far you’re going to let them go into your world. You can’t please everyone all the time and you shouldn’t even try to – it’s mentally and physically exhausting.

Look for whatever works for you and then stick to that!

2. Speak UP about the boundaries you have

Some people are respectful of other people’s boundaries – it’s just common sense nowadays, know what I mean?

Most people won’t go through your bathroom cabinet or stick their nose in your laptop when you leave the room.

But others don’t always respect your boundaries – so it’s your job to speak up. Stay respectful and calm at all times but do kindly explain at what point you draw the line.

Here’s a simple formula to let others know of your boundaries with respect and dignity:

1) What’s bothering you? (for example, your roommate using your laptop when you’re not in the room) 

2) How’s that making you feel? (for example – raw, exposed, uncomfortable, privacy is violated)

3) How you’d prefer to have it? (for example – you could borrow her the laptop without a problem but set up a different profile for her so she’s not using it under your personal profile)

You can use this formula to set the tone for any relationship – with your boyfriend or girlfriend, with your mom or dad, with your friends, with your boss, and even with strangers!

3. Your boundaries won’t always work. And then what?

In an ideal world, everyone would be respectful of your boundaries. In the world we’re living in, we’re often left to fight for the right to maintain our safe space.

I’m not going to lie, others are going to try and knock down your boundaries. And if you want to keep your sanity intact, it’s up to you to decide what happens when someone does that.

Be clear on the consequences – and decide on them BEFOREHAND.

Let the person going over your boundaries know what they’re doing. If they don’t stop and change their behavior, don’t be scared to follow through with the consequence.

After all, you’re not the one losing something here, quite the opposite!  

 4. Listen to what your gut is saying!

Sometimes, due to certain beliefs we have or due to our upbringing, we feel uncomfortable setting our boundaries. We feel like we’re being rude or ungrateful if we set them – even if that’s the right thing to do!

A very simple way to decide if something matters enough so we set a boundary around is to listen to your gut.

Your gut is going to send you signals in different body parts when there’s a red flag – heaviness in your stomach, tightness in your chest, fluttering heart rate, if nothing else!

For instance, you know how that weird great-uncle of yours keeps squeezing your arm a bit too tight and too creepy every Christmas dinner? Well, if your gut is literally screaming at you every time he does that, then feel free to mention something about it – you’re not the one who should be ashamed!

5. You have the right to say NO to others

And you have the right to cut people out of your life if they keep knocking down what you’ve worked so hard to build!

No matter whether that’s a family member, a friend, or a coworker – no one should invade your safe space without permission. Yes, even if that safe space is actually not visible!  

Your boundaries protect your safe space, a place you’re not only comfortable with but a place that allows you to grow.

Remember this the next time you feel someone’s violating your bubble and don’t be afraid to do something about it!