Emje McCarty's Blog, page 20

the last thing i would ever tell anyone

i don’t know if i was sexually abused as a child or not. i don’t remember a lot of my childhood. i know there are a lot of red flags…. my first therapist seemed to think i was “covertly sexually abused” as opposed to overtly. this kind of makes sense. i was exposed to things i should not have been exposed. i was not protected. i was not made to feel loved. i came to think of myself as only being valuable as a sexual being.…
right now i’m reading the body keeps the score by bessel van der kolk. that’s what brought on the memory this comic is based on. 
i would like to explore more.
i would like to learn to process the trauma that was my childhood & almost all of my “romantic” relationships…maybe then i could stop feeling so broken.…
i do know that making these quick & messy neurotic comics does help me with that process. so, thank you for bearing witness without judgement.
thank you for that.

inktober 19th

i didn’t feel like color today. i have had 2 kids’ birthdays in a row while my ex stays over to be “part of the family”…. sigh.
to say i am stressed out is an understatement.
my now 10 year old is not even speaking to me. i am the lesser parent.
so…no color today….
(ps. when i do use color, it is totally ink. i do not use water colors…only ink for inktober)

two minute neurotic comic

i’m so so tired these days. grumpy & exhausted. i have been a stay-at-home mom (mostly) for 18 years as of tomorrow when my first one was born.
but due to a lack of income & an excess of debt & my finally accepting that i am not going to be able to support my family with my art & writings…i went out and got a job doing one of the few things i am qualified to do.
i hate it.
not the job per se. as far as jobs go, it’s alright. restaurant work, but at least a restaurant that cares about where the food comes from as well as who prepares the food, etc. they are good people.
but i hate it. i hate leaving my kids. i hate leaving my art, books, & comics & my garden & my kitchen. i have to compromise my lifestyle just so i can have money to support said lifestyle….
so fucking stupid, right?
i am decidedly not the kind of mother who can bring home the bacon & fry it up in a pan…not willingly anyhow.
i’m tired. & grumpy. & wishing my life would have turned out differently….

but i do have four amazing kids. even when they are more than i can handle, they are still four amazing kids.
& i guess i can say i had something to do with that…even if i feel like a fuck up most the time…i still helped create four amazing kids.

inktober 18th

more unnatural relationships between animals.

inktober 17th

please ignore the smudge. i had a hectic morning.

i’m not sure what’s going on here. secret love affair? love is on my mind…to settle, or to hold out for something real? not like i have any offers…but just in case.

two minute neurotic comic

sometimes i wonder…if it weren’t for the yoga, hiking, gardening, & art therapy…would i be dead?
also, music. i compulsively listen to music.

inktober 16th

i don’t know. i guess i’m feeling last-of-my-kind lonely….

inktober 15th

last night as i was driving home, there was a deer with a broken leg lying in the road. i stopped & waved an oncoming car to a stop so i could help him off of the road.
i tried to figure out if i could somehow help him, get him in my car, something…but he bellowed when i tried to pick him up, & though he was only a baby, he was pretty big.
i ended up calling dispatch & getting the sheriff out there to do what the sheriff is going to do…. (i used to work as a humane officer so i know what happens to a wild animal who has been injured…but that doesn’t make it any easier.)
i know he looks like a cow in my inking, but i wanted to capture some hope that he connected with the great spirit & found some peace.

inktober 14th

okay…so a request for shakti fulfilled-ish.
it ended up being more of a self-portrait.
these days i’m wishing i had 2 more arms. being a full-time mom plus working in a kitchen again (what? seventeen year old me is so disappointed that i am STILL working in restaurants & not a world famous writer….)
but if you’re in the driftless & craving a hipster pizza & some heritage grain beer, c’mon over to melvina, wi & visit footjoy farm & brew. that’s where i am when i’m not momming.
& also why i’m not getting much art & writing done….
but, fuck it, i can only live off of credit cards for so long.

inktober 13th

request for a fox in the woods

happy friday the 13th as the moon wanes to dark. pretty cool. magic is in the air, y’all.

(now i have to run a kid to a doctor’s appointment, get home, fix food, and leave for work…poop. maybe i will get a chance to breathe?)