Janel Brubaker's Blog, page 6

Indie Book Review – Bathed in Moonlight by Stacia Kawood

Sometimes you need a romance novel to get you through some shit.

I’m not a huge romance novel fan — although that is starting to change the more of them I read — but this book was still a good read. It takes place during WW2, and tells the story of a woman with a mysterious past, the boy who lives with her who may or may not be her son, and the wounded American soldier who interrupts their isolation.

The forced proximity trope is strong in this one, giving the reader a chance to see the budding relationship between the main character and the wounded American solider from both people’s perspectives. The curiosity of the wounded soldier is an intriguing contrast to the anxieties and worries of the female main character. And with the plot overlayed into a background of World War 2, there is always the threat of discovery, the threat of war tearing through their romance as it blooms.

The writing in this book is compelling and filled with emotions. The curiosity and intrigue surrounding the primary characters keeps the reader interested and asking questions as they read. If you enjoy historical romance sprinkled with mystery, I recommend this book.

You can find this novel here and remember to give Satcia some love!

Changes in 2024

I think we all start looking forward to the coming year around this time.

The holidays, while being both beautiful and stress-inducing, tend to be catalysts for me to start thinking of how I want my life to be different in the coming year than it was in the present. What was I dissatisfied with? What did I enjoy? What would I like to see change? These are the questions I tend to ask myself and sometimes they’re not easy to answer. This year, for instance, was full of ups and downs, wins and losses, and a whole lot of shit in between. Some of it it is stuff I don’t have control over (like all the horrific things going on in the world that continue to get worse) and some of it is the recognition of things I need to change within myself and in my life. But they’re not always things I can compartmentalize into “good” and “bad.”

Substitute teaching is a prime example. I will not go into the teaching field. That is a decision I have made definitively, however hard it was to make. But I can’t say that my choice to be a substitute teacher was a bad one because it wasn’t. I learned a hell of a lot about myself in that job. I learned about public school education from an educator’s standpoint. I saw the ways in which teachers are treated and misrepresented and completely underappreciated. And I met some truly wonderful teachers, as well as some absolutely wonderful children whom I will never forget for as long as I live.

So while the experience itself was, overall, an incredibly challenging one, it wasn’t without its beautiful moments.

If I had to pick 1-3 things that I want to see change next year in my own life, they would be these:

Financial stabilityGrowth in marketing my writingGetting out into nature

2023 was a hard financial year. Teachers make jack shit and substitutes make even less. My finances went from stable to anything but, and so now I’m paying off quite a large amount of debt. I have a strong payoff plan that I’ve been keeping to consistently, so that’s a relief to see, but it doesn’t make it any less stressful to know that I have this debt hanging over my head. When I left my ex, my goal was to be financially independent, to cover the costs of my own life without assistance from anyone. Not to say that it’s wrong to ask for help when you need it, because it definitely isn’t. But for myself, I had a consistent job, I had consistent income, so I knew this was something I could do. I did live paycheck to paycheck for quite a while, but slowly found myself improving my financial situation.

I did it once. I know I can do it again. And I will. Not merely so that I can say I did, but so that I can then continue to grow and, hopefully, give back to people in need in my community. That is something I’ve been doing in small doses when I can, but I would like to do more often.

2023 was also the year I released my debut novel, A Kiss of Glass. And while I have had a very successful six months for a debut release — I’ve sold over 500 copies of my novel; nearly 10,000 pages have been read in my novel; I’ve made almost $1,000 in royalties; I’ve sold copies of my book internationally, and I’ve reached the top 3 in multiple Amazon categories — I know that there are things I could have done differently that would have likely made me even more successful.

One such thing is getting reviews of my book onto Amazon. I have about 16 reviews right now, which is good, but it isn’t until you reach 50 reviews that Amazon’s algorithm starts to suggest your book to other readers. A really great way to get those reviews is through ARC readers, but I only sent out 11 or 12 ARCs for my debut which, at the time, I thought would be a good amount. And it was. Any and all reviews are helpful, and I am immensely grateful to those people. I’ll be asking them if they want ARCs again in 2024 when I release my sequel. But I will also be opening up my ARCs and sending out at least 50 of them. This will be a bit expensive, but I don’t care. It will be worth it.

Another thing I want to do better is understanding and utilizing Amazon ads. I have been using them since this summer, but I have not utilized them to their fullest capacity and I’d like to increase their effectiveness this year. The indie authors who do the best are usually those who invest in advertisements. This year, I want to learn more about how to accomplish that.

2023 was probably the year that I went into nature the least. I even took summer off after the school year, but still didn’t go hiking as much as I had planned. I miss it, honestly. I can tell that my mind, my heart, my body, and especially my spirit are suffering because I haven’t been out into the woods in months. It has been difficult due to the chronic tendinitis in my ankles, and now that I have a job with health insurance, I hope to start treating that, but I also hope to find places I can take my dog that are easy to walk that still get me out into the trees. It’s essential to my wellbeing and I do not give it as much importance as I should in my weekly life.

My plan is to take Kiki, my corgi, for a walk in nature every other week, at the minimum. There are some pretty trails around where we live, but I also want to explore some of my old favorites. It’ll be good for her, it’ll be good for me, and hopefully will also not only get me back into some exercise but will also help to strength my ankles now that I’ve avoided exercise for the last year and a half, if not longer.

I have my writing goals, too, but those are ever evolving depending on how my life is going. I still plan to release my sequel novel, A Shift of Crimson, in 2024, but I don’t know if it will be in summer or later on. I still plan to release two books onto Kindle Vella in my new Olympic Fates Saga and I have the first one a little less than halfway drafted.

And then I’m also finishing up my master’s degree which, thankfully, is finally coming to a close. As much as I love school, I am DEAD to it right now. Not burnt out. Not over it. DEAD. TO. IT. I have one more small essay to write this week and turn in next week, and then I have to give a presentation, and I will be done. It doesn’t help that I hate the class — literary theory with no writers other than white men; in 13 weeks, we have read exactly one woman literary theorist and she, too, was white; there has been no diversity in this class whatsoever and I am so fucking sick of reading dead white men’s writings — and literally have been counting the days until I can just walk away from it.

I love the New Year because I love the freshness of a new beginning. It reminds me of the quote from Anne of Green Gables: “Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it.” I recently watched the first Anne of Green Gables movie and, aside from oscillating between laughing my ass off and crying in the fetal position, I realized why this movie and its sequel have been so important to me throughout my life. Not only do I relate so, so strongly to Anne Shirley — I have never felt so accurately represented in fiction or film — but I also love the ways in which she, as a character, learns to approach life with love, compassion, and empathy.

More than anything else listed in this post, I think that I was want to get out of next year: growth in love, compassion, and empathy. Because that will make everything else more worth the effort.

Book Review – 40 Watts by C. D. Wright

I was first introduced to these poems in my M.F.A. program.

I think all of the residencies we had in my M.F.A. tended to be very poetry heavy in the required readings which I, personally, didn’t mind at all. Poetry soothes the soul and expands the mind and prepares the psyche for creative expression.

Our Holistic Writing reading packet included a few of Wright’s poems and I was struck by their simplicity, their honesty, their raw examination of different microcosms of every day life. I am a poet who tries to write about the seem microcosms, but I usually end up resorting to language that is cliche and tired. Wright’s poems are so beautifully written that even when the poems themselves capture things that seem mundane, they transform into something not mundane.

I tend to be very verbose in my writing and sometimes this gives the impression that I don’t trust either myself or my reader. Long poems aren’t inherently bad, but nor are they better or more powerful just because they’re long. So this book of poems helped me see that sometimes we generate poems and the rough draft is much longer than it needs to be. And sometimes one long poem can be revised and edited down into two or more.

The poems in this book are very short, taking up space on the page very minimally. And yet the emotions of these poems are enormous, almost overwhelming at times. The contrast expresses what it’s like feeling trapped in the mundanity of life while wrestling with huge emotions, goals, desires, and hopes.

I highly recommend this book.

Indie Book Review – Kiss you love, goodbye: a poetic journey through life by Wendy Haller

You all know how much I love poetry.

I usually read one book of poems every week, although lately that hasn’t been the case. However, of the few books of poems I read this year, I wanted to share my thoughts on this one by a fabulous independent poet, Wendy Haller.

There’s something about poetry that reaches into the deepest coves of human experience and emotion. It’s an honesty, a raw vulnerability that explodes outwards from the page. It’s as though poems themselves are beings that breathe and think and feel and love and yearn and grieve. Indeed, I think poems are pieces of the human soul and spirit manifesting through ink and paper.

This is true for Wendy Haller’s collection of poems, Kiss You Love, Goodbye.

Among these pages are the bearings of a human soul. Love, loss, grief, joy, fear…each poem plucks at a different emotion, a different experience, a different place in the speaker’s life. The speaker shares such intimate details, and yet it feels as though they, too, are searching through the words for deeper truth. But not in the sense that the speaker is lost, necessarily, but rather they wish to be more profoundly grounded not only in their lives, but within themselves. I found myself awed by more than one poem in this collection.

This was a quick, heartfelt read. I recommend it.

You’ll find this book here and please give Wendy some love!

Indie Book Review – Cadence: Poems by Sharon Arsego

I love books of poetry.

They’re so reverent and revealing and raw. Because poetry is one of the oldest forms of literary expression, I believe all books of poems share a common understanding of what it means to be human. And even though poetry as a genre doesn’t have the national renown as it once did (the wealthy would often fund the life and works of new poets), it is still no different in its expressions of the truest moments of the human experience.

Sharon Arsego’s book of poems is no different.

Absolutely beautiful lines of versed infused with authenticity, vulnerability, and an honest examination of a life fully lived. The book handles various themes including nature, womanhood, romance, self-reliance, heartbreak, and restoration. One thing I appreciated so much about this book was its simplicity. Don’t get me wrong, I love a nice complicated piece of verse, but the simplicity of this collection was conducive to the different subjects and themes. Instead of being distracted by the format of the poems or the non-traditional styles, these poems point the reader back to what is meant to be focused on: the poems themelves.

I always underline and write down my favorite quotes from poems and keep them in my reading journals. I find this practice cements the beauties of language into my psyche. Some of my favorite quotes from Cadence are:

“My thoughts are tailored / to the now / I’m confused with the business / of writing myself free” (1).

“Find it make your way / despite the jagged lines” (56).

“Sometimes you’re the lighthouse / Sometimes you’re the shipwreck” (97).

Check out this beautiful book of poetry here! And give Sharon some love when you do!

Fantasy, Gender, And Books

Over the last several months, I’ve been reading one long fantasy series that has completely taken over my life.

They’re called The Legend of Drizzt books and they’re fucking awesome. R.A. Salvatore is just an absolute master of story telling and character development. I do wish the books had a stronger theme of romance than they do, but that’s not really a criticism because the books aren’t designed for that. But I’m a hopeless romantic and that’ll never change.

These books take place in the world of Dungeons and Dragons and they follow the character Drizzt Do’Urdan, a rogue drow who forsakes his kind and leaves the Underdark to live on the surface with humans, surface elves, dwarves, and other such races. As he makes friends and learns more about the surface world, tensions rise and fall as wars brew and conflict ensues. Drizzt, a compassionate and caring person since birth, finds the people with whom he fits in the most and he comes to love them more than anything else in the world. The books follow his life and their many journeys as a group.

I am loving these books for so many reasons. The world building is tremendous. The characters are simply wonderful (Drizzt, Jarlaxle, and Zaknafein are three characters for whom I care the most about over any other characters I’ve ever read and if you know, you know). The moral and ethical questions the books pose, especially as regards racism within many different fantasy tropes, are thoroughly developed and well considered. The books do not shy away from complex political and interpersonal issues that impact marginalized communities. I love that about these books more than almost anything else because, again, they don’t hold back, and yet the messages and themes feel natural to the story and the characters.

And yet the stories are also interesting. And aggravating. And compelling. And heartbreaking. When I say that I have cried heavily over certain scenes and certain characters (Zaknafein, Clacker, Thibbledorf Pwent, Guenhwyvar), I mean that they were open sobs. The relationships between characters, the love and devotion and selflessness and the losses they face, are utterly moving.

The characters are mostly men, unless a book covers the drow who live in the Underdark. The drow are dark elves and their society is a matriarchy, which means that there are many strong, intelligent, and complex women villains in a lot of these books. Unfortunately, there aren’t many women who are in the primary cast of characters. At least, not at first. That changes somewhat as the novels progress and you can see Salvatore trying to diversify his primary cast of characters, but it does fall short at times. And unfortunately, there is very little queer representation; though Jarlaxle is extremely pansexual, he is the only obvious representation of anything non-heteronormative. And it isn’t really that these are marks against the books, but rather that it seems odd in a world filled with so much magic and so many different types of characters that there would only be one openly queer character.

But this does make me think about the ways in which gender is represented in fantasy books. One of my favorite fantasy books is The Lord of the Rings series, but there are flaws with them. They do not pass the Bechdel test. The books themselves only have two strong women characters that can be considered primary characters and they are Eowyn and Galadriel. There’s absolutely no non-white representation in the books at all unless the narrator is referring to humans who side with Sauron, which is really problematic. And while an argument can be made that Bilbo Baggins is queer, it’s never openly discussed or shown.

Now, areas that I think these books do well is in their representation of positive and negative masculinity. Aragorn, Faramir, the hobbits, Gandalf — they are extremely strong examples of the ways in which masculinity can be used for good. They are not toxic, they don’t seek power or fame or wealth, they’re not selfish, and they don’t shrink away from expressing emotions or showing affection to other men. They show their love for each other and I cannot even begin to express how refreshing that is, especially in light of the kind of masculinity we see in Game of Thrones or The Witcher. The men who are selfish and power-hungry, the ones who are domineering and cruel, the ones who crave violence — even when they’re on the side of the “good guys” — are clearly shown as being just as bad as the evils they’re fighting against. I think of Lord Denethor, Steward of Gondor, who is an absolutely cruel, heartless, evil man, and even though he is against Sauron in his values, his actions show him to be a terrible person. I appreciate that as well because too often, toxic masculinity is glorified.

But the women in these books not only have less page time, but they also have less development. Eowyn’s entire character revolves around her unrequited love of Aragorn. So even though she faces off against and takes down the fucking Witch King of Angmar, it’s not nearly as badass as it would have been if there had been more to her character than pining after a man who doesn’t love her.

It makes me wonder why fantasy authors make these choices with regards to women characters? Why make them hollow? Why make them stereotypes? Why wrap up their entire identity in the love of a man? And this is rhetorical, I know why they do this (misogyny), but what boggles my mind is how an author could sit down, write something like this, and not see that its problematic. When I write, I am cognizant of every choice I make regarding every character. If they’re queer, I agonize over whether or not I’m perpetuating something harmful, even unintentionally. If they’re a non-white character, I look up what harmful tropes and stereotypes exist and I avoid those these; I also make sure that, if I’m writing from a non-white character’s perspective, that I pay a sensitivity reader to offer feedback on how I’m writing this non-white character. Because even if I know what the harmful stereotypes are, it doesn’t mean I’m not inadvertently using them.

Literally every choice I make with my writing is carefully thought out in terms of creating the best content that is as well written as I can make it, and that includes the ways I represent people who are different from me. It’s not good writing if I don’t give a shit about how I write those characters.

So how can other authors not care about the same things? I know there are a lot of supposedly “hot takes” by authors who thrive on creating content that is shocking and offensive, and so they likely don’t care about the ways in which they represent people who are different from them. How many of us have seen those memes about how men authors write women characters and the absolutely unrealistic ways in which they describe their movements and their bodies. And because the publishing industry has been run primarily, if not exclusively, by cishet white men up until the last 70ish years or so — and even since then, it has not been equitable at all, especially not for BIPOC, queer, and disabled folks — there have been no critical voices in those rooms making the publishing decisions until very recently.

But it’s fucking 2023. Writing with awareness and intention should be the default by now. And sure, there are still those asswipes like John Grisham (or was it Dean Koontz?) who think it’s harder now to be a cishet white male author than any other demographic which is, of course, absolutely false in every way, but I really don’t want to think that the Grisham’s or the Koontz’s are the majority of the publishing and writing world. I’d like to think we are, even in small ways, moving towards a greater understanding of and appreciation for not only diverse representation in the books that are published, but also in the authors writing them.

I’d like to think.

All of the best movies, books, and tv shows I’ve consumed this year have been the most intentionally diverse pieces of content, regardless of genre. I think of the recent release of The Fall of the House of Usher. Holy fucking shit, was that show fucking amazing. Diverse in not only its representation of different races, but also of different sexualities and gender identities and types of abilities. It was honestly one of the best shows I watched this year, even if I was very dissatisfied with the ending.

Or what about Queen Charlotte? I know it didn’t come out this year, but this year was my first time watching it and it was seriously one of the most beautiful love stories I have ever seen. And yes, I know it’s an alternate, fictionalized version of history, but it still tackles issues of gender, race, and sexuality in so many beautiful ways! There is not only a Black woman playing the Queen of England, there is a confirmed gay couple between Brimsley and Reynolds, and their love story is one of the best I have ever seen. Like, on par with that one episode of season one of The Last of Us.

Oh yeah, and then there’s The Last of Us. And there’s Across the Spider-Verse (if you didn’t get the enormous trans allegory that is Gwen Stacey’s character arc, then you were not paying attention cause it was so fucking obvious). There’s Killers of the Flower Moon. There’s the Barbie Movie which, while a prime example of the peakest, whitest brand of feminism, was still a movie with some of the strongest representation of women in cinematic history. It was also one of, if not the, funniest movie I have ever seen. There was House of the Dragon, which I think came out last year, but was still fucking iconic and on par with season one of Game of Thrones, if not better. There was season two of Good Omens which, unfortunately, is tainted as Neil Gaiman has spoken out against the rights of Palestinians. The show was still wonderful and gay as fuck. I feel like I’m missing something from earlier this year, but regardless, the content I have engaged with this year that are the heaviest on my mind are those with the strongest forms of representations and diversity.

They’re the better films, the better shows, the better books. And the people who create them do so with intention and purposefulness. So when I encounter content that either isn’t diverse at all or even if it is, it feels half-hearted and not well done, it stands out all the more in negative ways. I don’t know what my point is here other than that, as an author in a large sea of other authors, it is discouraging to see how many don’t take these things seriously. One of my goals over 2024 is to read as many independent BIPOC authors as I can because they deserve the support. They should be getting more recognition.

Anyway, what are you thoughts on this issue? Let me know in the comments!

Closing Doors and Looking Ahead

As of yesterday, I have completed and submitted the thesis for my second master’s.

It was a fun paper to write, seeing that it was about my favorite novel of all time, Pride and Prejudice. I received solid and positive feedback from my mentor regarding the rough draft, and in my opinion, it is the second half of the paper that is the strongest and most interesting. I am excited to see what he thinks of the final draft.

One thing that I especially enjoyed about this paper was how it only reinforced my love for the novel itself. In undergrad, I wrote two different papers on Jane Eyre which, for many years, was my favorite novel. But the process of writing critically about the power dynamics between Jane and Mr. Rochester truly did make me enjoy the novel less. When the main hero of the novel is such an outright piece of shit, it makes the ending where Jane chooses to marry for love that much more problematic. I’ve read the novel only once since undergrad and while I still love the story, I am not especially fond of the outcome.

But with this paper, I have found myself even more in love with the novel and the characters of Pride and Prejudice. For my thesis, I focused on the many different ways that Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet subvert the expectations for their respective genders and how only when taking those subversions together do we really see and understand Austen’s perspectives on the power dynamics between men and women. I think a lot of people wrongly assume that Austen’s primary intentions were to write romances that were clever, but this is, in my opinion, a gross misunderstanding and misrepresentation of her work. Her novels include love and romance, yes, but they are heavily satiric and are much closer to criticisms of marriage as an institution than anything else.

And now, I am one step closer to finishing this program. I have only one class left to finish this semester and I am over halfway done with it, which feels fantastic. I am so ready for this program to be done. There are so many other things I want to read and write and talk about and think about. It’s not that I haven’t enjoyed this program, because I have. But I am ready for my time to be my own. I am ready to no longer have homework, especially now that I am working on two different writing projects simultaneously. I’m ready to free up this mental and creative space for the things I am most passionate about right now.

I do love being in school, so it will be an adjustment stepping away. But I am absolutely so excited to have more time to utilize for the books I want to ready and the books I want to write and the movies and tv shows I want to watch.

This door is closing, but I am looking ahead. Like I wrote in my last post, I have big ambitions right now. Big goals that I’m working towards and that I’m keeping my eyes fixed upon. The completion of this program is one step closer to those big goals.

Let’s see how much progress I can make before the end of December!

Big Steps and Even Bigger Steps

This year has been a thoroughly transformative one for me.

I left a job back in January that, while I loved the work, the company was toxic; management was horrible; the business was not necessarily failing, but the company was experiencing horrible turnover because they couldn’t keep projects coming in like they had been, and so ultimately, I decided it was best if I walked away. And it was hard to do because I had been at that company longer than any other I had worked for. But my levels of stress and dissatisfaction were too high to justify staying.

I recently saw a quote from The Marvelous Ms. Maisel where, while in an intense conversation with Midge about his failed attempts at a career in standup comedy, her husband says something to the effect of, “This was the dream that was supposed to keep me happy while doing a job I hate.” That line stood out to me because I think a lot of us have the dreams that keep us committed to the jobs we hate, but not everyone can function well in a job that makes them miserable. I enjoyed the work I did at that other job; it was challenging and interesting and I was learning a lot, albeit slowly. But it was dealing with managers that made me miserable. I wasn’t given any training and any time I asked for help, it was rushed and I ended up needing to ask the same questions over and over and over again, which made the managers feel like I was either not paying attention, or just not “smart enough” to do the job they hired me for but didn’t train me to do.

So I went to the substitute teaching job. And while I loved the work I did there, too, and I loved being around the kids and knowing that I was making a difference, the stress of that profession is absolutely unsustainable. I had full blown panic attacks on the way to work, breakdowns for an hour on my way home; I couldn’t sleep because I was worried about the kids I was teaching that day; I couldn’t hardly eat because I was so tired; I couldn’t do anything outside of work, which meant all of the household chores went undone for weeks on end, which was also not sustainable. Teachers are not given enough support in the classroom. They’re not paid enough. They’re not appreciated enough. They’re completely taken for granted and, while I was a huge supporter of educators before I was a substitute, I am even more of a supporter now. They deserve the world, period.

Now, I’m in a job that I truly love. I’m back in Project Coordination, I’m earning consistently good money. If I had to, right now, I could live on my own. It would be hard and I would be living paycheck to paycheck, but I could manage it. THAT is important to me because I never, ever again, want to be dependent on anyone else to live. I was dependent on my ex-husband and that was one of the reasons I was with him for as long as I was. I was dependent on my former roommates who couldn’t pay their bills on time or on their own, ever. And I get that people struggle. I really do. Poverty and capitalism are the problem, not poor people themselves, and I will hold that as a truth for the rest of my life. But I had to take on a second job to make their ends meet. I had to be the one to cover the entirety of the rent deposit when we moved to a new apartment. I had to take out a personal loan to cover their portion of rent for a month. I had to take money out of my savings to cover hundreds of dollars in late fees that they accrued, and these things were never acknowledged. Thousands of dollars ($3,550 to be exact) that I didn’t have to keep us all from getting evicted.

I genuinely wish that I had moved in with my parents when I left my ex-husband. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and financial distress caused by those two people.

And even though I am in a healthy relationship with a partner that I love and who is actually supportive, my goal now is to get myself to a place of financial independence. I am still trying to dig myself out of debts from the last several years and, while it is slow going, it is also a worthwhile endeavor for me because it’s teaching me discipline, self-denial, and personal responsibility. I recognize and acknowledge that this is a privilege I have that others do not, and so this is not a judgment on anyone else’s circumstances. Only a judgment of my own. My partner makes good money and has been supportive in my longstanding desire to obtain financial independence. I will have the bulk of these debts paid off by the end of 2024. The rest will be paid off in 2025. Not including student loans, of course.

Which leads me to the point of this post. One thing I love about this new job is that it’s reminded me that I am allowed to not only pursue my current goals, but I am allowed to have new goals, too. My current goals are: 1) to write as much as possible: I am still working on my sequel novel, A Shift of Crimson, but I am also working on a new series that I’ll be posting to Kindle Vella next year called The Olympic Fates Saga; book one is called A Wedding In Ithaca and I am unbelievably excited by it; these two projects are my most urgent and active projects and they take up the bulk of my creative energy, although I am also still working on my collection of sonnets as well; my goals with these projects are to make them as successful as possible; 2) to pay off these debts and get myself back to a place of financial independence which I define as being able to comfortably cover my own bills and expenses as well as being able to afford to live on my own, should the need arise.

I am actively working towards these goals and will reach them by the end of next year. That is a promise I am making to and for myself.

But I now also have other goals. One is more of a hope than a goal because the reality of it is not really up to me; I want to make enough with my writing to pay off my student loan debt. This likely won’t happen for many years, if it happens at all, but it is something I want to try and achieve. Not every writer becomes a bestseller, and not every writer even makes a basic living off of their writing. In fact, the vast majority don’t ever earn enough to live off of. This is just a fact, one that I think all writes hope won’t apply to them, but inevitably does. I am not an exception just because I love the work I’m producing. But, it’s also a fact that success with writing is an ultra marathon, not a sprint. It takes years and years and years of consistently publishing content to get to a place where you actually make money. But writing, especially now that I have multiple books published, is not something I ever intend to give up. I don’t care how long it takes, I will do this until it becomes lucrative. And when that happens, I hope that I will be able to pay off my student loans.

My newest goal, which, up til now, has been mostly a dream instead of something I’m actively pursuing, is to own my own home. If I end up needing to rent a place, I am fine with that, but I would like to own my own home at some point. With how the housing market currently is here in Oregon, I don’t know when that will happen or how, but I am determined to make it happen. It could take a long time, and that’s okay. But one day, I will own my own home, and with that goal in mind, I will not only focus heavily on saving and paying off debts, but I will do my utmost to grow my author business, to market myself and my books, and I will commit to this job and what it requires of me. The skills I have are incredibly useful and valuable in the workplace, and this new job is only going to keep me learning and improving.

Sometimes, we need to let ourselves turn dreams into goals. I don’t know when these things will happen, nor am I putting timelines on them. But I am setting them as goals and I will be taking active steps towards accomplishing them as we roll into 2024. They’re not “resolutions,” per se, but they are modes through which I will now see my life and my choices. I really do believe that the best revenge is living a happy, successful life. I have been underestimated, mistreated, misunderstood, and misrepresented my entire life. That’s okay. Because while those same people continue to exist inside of their own self-hatred and insecurities, I will be enjoying the fruits of my labors.

Indeed, I already am. I made about $500.00 in royalties on my poetry book in 2022. And I have made nearly $1,000.00 in royalties and direct sales of my novel since June. That’s no small thing, especially considering it’s my first ever novel and I’m still learning how to market it. I am, already, a successful author, and I intend to be even more successful in 2024. I will be releasing my sequel novel, and I will be releasing at least one, but hopefully two, books in the Olympic Fates Saga on Kindle Vella.

It can be hard to see the forest through the trees.

I’m learning that I am the forest.

End of Semester & Start of New Job

A lot has been happening lately! Here’s my update and a promise that these updates will be more frequent.

The first big announcement: I got a new job! I think I posted already about how teaching did not work out. It wasn’t the students or the job itself, but the lack of in-classroom support teachers are given. It was the single most stressful and thankless job I think I’ve ever worked. Whatever teachers make, it is not enough. I have nothing but the utmost respect for teachers and all that they do.

My new job is as a Project Coordinator for a tech install company. I’ve worked as a Project Coordinator before, so I was thrilled when I was offered the job. I’m now in my fifth week of the position, and I’m learning the ropes. Coming back after the holiday weekend means that things are a bit hectic, but the company is a fantastic place to work and I consider myself very fortunate to not only have consistent work, but to also earn a living wage. I’ve been earning enough to start paying off some of the debts I’ve accrued since the school year ended and I took summer off.

The bulk of what I do is coordinate the different facets of a bunch of different jobs for the Project Manager I’m assisting. I set up and update all of his jobs; I communicate with the clients and any contractors; I’m learning how to set the schedule for our techs, and will soon be doing that all on my own; I’m also learning how to do the billing and invoicing for the different clients, and I’m familiarizing myself with the different types of projects we do. It’s been a lot to learn, but I’ve been told I’m already taking a huge load of stress off of the Project Manager’s plate, and that means a lot.

I’m also in the process of finishing up my final semester of grad school! I finished my these over the weekend and now just need to read through it for any minor edits and proofreading, and then it’ll be ready to submit by next week. That will be one class done with only one class remaining until I can say that I am finished with my second masters degree!

I have no plans to start another graduate degree any time soon. I never say never, because knowing me, I’ll find a new program that interests me and I’ll try and get into it, but as of right now, I have no plans. I am very excited to no longer have assignments to work on, especially since I’m trying to finish up the rough draft of my sequel novel on top of now starting a brand new series.

Yes, that’s right — I am in the process of starting a brand new series. This one will be exclusively on Kindle Vella and isn’t going to take place in my fantasy world, so the two series are not connected. But this series is going to be of short novels/novellas were I retell different myths from Ancient Greece and overlay them into a Regency setting. Think Bridgerton meets Troy, and you’ll have a good idea of what I will be writing. This series is especially exciting to me because there are so many amazing myths I can use, so the series could go on for a long time.

My plan is to publish two novellas/short novels in this series every year. Kindle Vella is a booming platform for independent authors right now, and there is the chance to make a good amount of money if I keep my postings consistent and keep the marketing going. So that’s why I’m talking about it now. My hope is to publish the first episode of the first book in April of 2024. We will see if I meet that deadline.

So, I am a soon-to-be graduate with a full time job working on more than one writing project. I am so excited to see where all of these things take me in the coming year.

I also have a lot to say about the most recent event I participated in. It was a local sci-fi/fantasy convention, but I’ll save those details for another day.

I hope you had a great holiday!

Adjustments and Learning to Let Go

Well, as sad as it makes me to write this, I have decided not to pursue a career in teaching.

I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for teachers and educators. The sheer amount of bullshit they have to endure on a daily basis is simply unacceptable. I loved being in the classroom. I loved being around the kids. The teaching part itself was the only thing that kept me holding on as long as I did. But there’s too much other stuff that not only interferes with and impedes teachers’ ability to teach, it also impacts their success as teachers.

Class sizes. They are far, far too big. No teacher should have to handle class sizes of 20 or more students. And yet, that’s exactly what they have to do. Classroom management is next to impossible with one adult not only attempting to teach the curriculum, but also trying to wrangle extremely hyper kids who all have different needs at different times, some of them with behavioral issues that disrupt lessons and potentially make the classroom dangerous.

Teachers need full time assistants in their classrooms every single day of every single school year, and they don’t get it. If they’re lucky, they might get one assistant for an hour or so, and that’s it. Districts keep cutting funding because people keep voting for budgets to be allocated elsewhere. It’s a fucking nightmare. And even though I wanted to be stubborn, wanted to dig in my heels and commit to this career for the sake of the students, I also knew I couldn’t, for the sake of my own mental and emotional wellbeing.

Not to mention, as a substitute, my benefits were practically nonexistent. I was paying $240 a month for preventative care only. That’s one checkup a year and two dental cleanings. Nothing else. I have chronic tendinitis in both of my ankles, and physical therapy for them wasn’t covered. Therapy? Not covered. I’ve been paying $95 out of pocket for a 10 minute meeting with my psychiatrist each month to make sure my meds are still working for me. I need to be in therapy, but that’s not covered.

I tried so hard not to give up on this dream. Teaching is what I’ve wanted to do since I was in elementary school. But when your job makes you break down every morning before work and every day after work, you know it’s time to re-evaluate. So, I’ve been applying to other jobs. I’ve been focusing more on my sequel novel and my social media presence. I’ve been brainstorming ideas for potential YouTube series’ that I might want to start. These are the things that energize me. They fuel me. They push me and excite me. I need a job that will pay my bills and also allow me the time and energy to get these other goals off the ground.

I’ve had some interviews. They’ve gone really well. I’m still applying to other jobs, I’m looking for other opportunities in a lot of different fields, and I know I’ll find something soon. I’m really excited to get there because seriously, y’all, it has been a hard few weeks. I’m holding on, I’m not giving in, I’m not letting this beat me, but it’s getting hard to hold onto hope.

My writing keeps me going. It helps a lot. I’m really excited about this novel. I love watching it develop into what it’s meant to be. I have plans for attending some conventions coming up as a guest, having my own booth, gain some exposure as an independent author. I’m working on my master’s thesis. I’m nearly done with grad school. There are a lot of good things going in my life, and I have to remind myself to look at those or else I’ll drown in the stress and the anxiety. So I’m grateful for the good. I’m grateful for the chance to find a new job that pays better and has actual medical benefits that actually fucking do something for my health and wellbeing. I’m grateful for the people who follow this blog and for the people who have read my novel.

You all don’t realize how much you help keep me going. So, thank you.

That’s my update for now. I’ll keep you all posted!