Big Steps and Even Bigger Steps

This year has been a thoroughly transformative one for me.

I left a job back in January that, while I loved the work, the company was toxic; management was horrible; the business was not necessarily failing, but the company was experiencing horrible turnover because they couldn’t keep projects coming in like they had been, and so ultimately, I decided it was best if I walked away. And it was hard to do because I had been at that company longer than any other I had worked for. But my levels of stress and dissatisfaction were too high to justify staying.

I recently saw a quote from The Marvelous Ms. Maisel where, while in an intense conversation with Midge about his failed attempts at a career in standup comedy, her husband says something to the effect of, “This was the dream that was supposed to keep me happy while doing a job I hate.” That line stood out to me because I think a lot of us have the dreams that keep us committed to the jobs we hate, but not everyone can function well in a job that makes them miserable. I enjoyed the work I did at that other job; it was challenging and interesting and I was learning a lot, albeit slowly. But it was dealing with managers that made me miserable. I wasn’t given any training and any time I asked for help, it was rushed and I ended up needing to ask the same questions over and over and over again, which made the managers feel like I was either not paying attention, or just not “smart enough” to do the job they hired me for but didn’t train me to do.

So I went to the substitute teaching job. And while I loved the work I did there, too, and I loved being around the kids and knowing that I was making a difference, the stress of that profession is absolutely unsustainable. I had full blown panic attacks on the way to work, breakdowns for an hour on my way home; I couldn’t sleep because I was worried about the kids I was teaching that day; I couldn’t hardly eat because I was so tired; I couldn’t do anything outside of work, which meant all of the household chores went undone for weeks on end, which was also not sustainable. Teachers are not given enough support in the classroom. They’re not paid enough. They’re not appreciated enough. They’re completely taken for granted and, while I was a huge supporter of educators before I was a substitute, I am even more of a supporter now. They deserve the world, period.

Now, I’m in a job that I truly love. I’m back in Project Coordination, I’m earning consistently good money. If I had to, right now, I could live on my own. It would be hard and I would be living paycheck to paycheck, but I could manage it. THAT is important to me because I never, ever again, want to be dependent on anyone else to live. I was dependent on my ex-husband and that was one of the reasons I was with him for as long as I was. I was dependent on my former roommates who couldn’t pay their bills on time or on their own, ever. And I get that people struggle. I really do. Poverty and capitalism are the problem, not poor people themselves, and I will hold that as a truth for the rest of my life. But I had to take on a second job to make their ends meet. I had to be the one to cover the entirety of the rent deposit when we moved to a new apartment. I had to take out a personal loan to cover their portion of rent for a month. I had to take money out of my savings to cover hundreds of dollars in late fees that they accrued, and these things were never acknowledged. Thousands of dollars ($3,550 to be exact) that I didn’t have to keep us all from getting evicted.

I genuinely wish that I had moved in with my parents when I left my ex-husband. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and financial distress caused by those two people.

And even though I am in a healthy relationship with a partner that I love and who is actually supportive, my goal now is to get myself to a place of financial independence. I am still trying to dig myself out of debts from the last several years and, while it is slow going, it is also a worthwhile endeavor for me because it’s teaching me discipline, self-denial, and personal responsibility. I recognize and acknowledge that this is a privilege I have that others do not, and so this is not a judgment on anyone else’s circumstances. Only a judgment of my own. My partner makes good money and has been supportive in my longstanding desire to obtain financial independence. I will have the bulk of these debts paid off by the end of 2024. The rest will be paid off in 2025. Not including student loans, of course.

Which leads me to the point of this post. One thing I love about this new job is that it’s reminded me that I am allowed to not only pursue my current goals, but I am allowed to have new goals, too. My current goals are: 1) to write as much as possible: I am still working on my sequel novel, A Shift of Crimson, but I am also working on a new series that I’ll be posting to Kindle Vella next year called The Olympic Fates Saga; book one is called A Wedding In Ithaca and I am unbelievably excited by it; these two projects are my most urgent and active projects and they take up the bulk of my creative energy, although I am also still working on my collection of sonnets as well; my goals with these projects are to make them as successful as possible; 2) to pay off these debts and get myself back to a place of financial independence which I define as being able to comfortably cover my own bills and expenses as well as being able to afford to live on my own, should the need arise.

I am actively working towards these goals and will reach them by the end of next year. That is a promise I am making to and for myself.

But I now also have other goals. One is more of a hope than a goal because the reality of it is not really up to me; I want to make enough with my writing to pay off my student loan debt. This likely won’t happen for many years, if it happens at all, but it is something I want to try and achieve. Not every writer becomes a bestseller, and not every writer even makes a basic living off of their writing. In fact, the vast majority don’t ever earn enough to live off of. This is just a fact, one that I think all writes hope won’t apply to them, but inevitably does. I am not an exception just because I love the work I’m producing. But, it’s also a fact that success with writing is an ultra marathon, not a sprint. It takes years and years and years of consistently publishing content to get to a place where you actually make money. But writing, especially now that I have multiple books published, is not something I ever intend to give up. I don’t care how long it takes, I will do this until it becomes lucrative. And when that happens, I hope that I will be able to pay off my student loans.

My newest goal, which, up til now, has been mostly a dream instead of something I’m actively pursuing, is to own my own home. If I end up needing to rent a place, I am fine with that, but I would like to own my own home at some point. With how the housing market currently is here in Oregon, I don’t know when that will happen or how, but I am determined to make it happen. It could take a long time, and that’s okay. But one day, I will own my own home, and with that goal in mind, I will not only focus heavily on saving and paying off debts, but I will do my utmost to grow my author business, to market myself and my books, and I will commit to this job and what it requires of me. The skills I have are incredibly useful and valuable in the workplace, and this new job is only going to keep me learning and improving.

Sometimes, we need to let ourselves turn dreams into goals. I don’t know when these things will happen, nor am I putting timelines on them. But I am setting them as goals and I will be taking active steps towards accomplishing them as we roll into 2024. They’re not “resolutions,” per se, but they are modes through which I will now see my life and my choices. I really do believe that the best revenge is living a happy, successful life. I have been underestimated, mistreated, misunderstood, and misrepresented my entire life. That’s okay. Because while those same people continue to exist inside of their own self-hatred and insecurities, I will be enjoying the fruits of my labors.

Indeed, I already am. I made about $500.00 in royalties on my poetry book in 2022. And I have made nearly $1,000.00 in royalties and direct sales of my novel since June. That’s no small thing, especially considering it’s my first ever novel and I’m still learning how to market it. I am, already, a successful author, and I intend to be even more successful in 2024. I will be releasing my sequel novel, and I will be releasing at least one, but hopefully two, books in the Olympic Fates Saga on Kindle Vella.

It can be hard to see the forest through the trees.

I’m learning that I am the forest.