Janel Brubaker's Blog, page 4

Passports and other Adultings

I officially have the appointment to start the process of getting my passport!

I have been saying that I would do this for years, but I’ve never have because I couldn’t find my birth certificate. So I had to order a copy of my birth certificate from the state where I was born, and that was a long, tedious process. But, I got it in the mail this week and made my appointment to get my initial appointment this month! I’m sure it’ll probably take another few months to get my passport officially, but hey — I’m closer now to it than I have ever been, and that makes me tremendously excited.

Not that I’ll be able to travel internationally for some time. Cause, ya know, money. But once I can afford it, I have a list of the top five places I want to see first:

1.) Victoria, Canada. I actually would love to do a road trip to get to this place. I know that takes up so much more time and the fuel will probably cost a LOT, but I think the drive would be beautiful. Plus, time to listen to audiobooks! But I’ve always wanted to see Canada. It looks stunning.

2.) England. If you’ve been here for any amount of time, you know that I love Jane Austen. Seeing England has been something I’ve wanted to do since I was a teenager, but my family was too poor to send me on any trips. And even if they’d had the money, I doubt my parents would have approved it anyway. But I really want to see Jane Austen’s home in Hampshire; I want to see Highclere Castle; I want to see a musical in the West End; I want to visit Stratford-Upon-Avon and see one of Shakespeare’s plays performed at the theater there, and I want to take a train up into Scotland.

3.) Portugal. My family is partly from Portugal (I believe my mom’s paternal grandfather was a Portuguese immigrant), so I feel really drawn to its history and culture, even though I haven’t lived in the culture myself. I also read that Portugal is one of the most cost effective places to visit in Europe, so that’s pretty cool. I also love how close it is to the Mediterranean.

4.) Thailand. This country looks positively gorgeous and I want to visit it so badly. This is a relatively new location I’ve added to this list, but it’s one I am really excited about. I love Thai food, and while I think the heat would probably take time for me to get used to, the beauty of the natural environment and rich culture of the people who live there would fascinate me.

5.) Japan. I’ve wanted to see Japan since I was like, eighteen years old. I love Japanese food so much. And there are so many things I’d love to see in Japan. Getting the chance to experience their way of life would be educational and a huge privilege.

I’ve only ever known U.S. culture, and studies have shown that one of the primary things you can do to develop empathy is to travel and see how the world is different from your personal experiences. There is so much ignorance in this country regarding other countries and their people, their customs, their religions, their cultures and communities, and while I have done a lot to educate myself on these things, I also think traveling to these places is part of that process.

There are other countries I want to see. Mexico. Germany. Scandinavia. Ireland. Brazil. Egypt. France. I really would love to see some of the countries in the Middle East, but with Israel and the U.S. bombing the shit out of them all of the time, I don’t think it would be safe. These are some of the countries I most want to visit, assuming that I can do so ethically, especially the countries that are not Euro-centric.

When and if I’ll ever see this places is another matter entirely. With U.S. politicians of both parties actively waging war on poor people and stripping us of literally any and all forms of assistance to survive this capitalistic nightmare, it’s looking increasingly like I probably won’t ever be able to visit these places. And I’m not being dramatic or hyperbolic, either. My partner currently makes about $110,000 per year, and he can’t even afford to buy a house where we live because the market is so inflated. Which is absurd. No one making that kind of money should be struggling to afford basic costs of living. And that’s not even considering those who make much less than that and how it is for them to live and provide for themselves.

Anyway, if I can ever afford to travel internationally, at least I will now have my passport. That on its own is an exciting prospect.

More on Mental Health

Sometimes we have to give ourselves the “honest talk.”

I am a firm believer in doing what we can to de-stigmatize conversations surrounding mental health. Too much of society — especially western society — ignores the rising percentages of people reporting struggles with depression, anxiety, and other conditions that impact one’s mental health, and it is precisely that refusal to acknowledge the problem that exacerbates it. From toxic positivity culture — “You gotta manifest those good thoughts and positive vibes! No negativity ever under any circumstances!” — to toxic masculinity — “Men don’t cry! Don’t be a baby! Man up!” — there are so many things that make our culture one of the worst when it comes to acknowledging and dealing with mental health.

There’s also this widely growing phenomena that blurs the lines between mental health and mental illness. Everyone has mental health and struggles with their mental health in the same way that we all have physical bodies and do what we can to take care of our physical selves. Taking care of our physical bodies might look like getting proper hydration, stretching, going for walks, lifting weights, running, knowing the type of diet we might need (and no, I do not mean dieting which is so unhealthy, please stop doing that shit). Taking care of our mental health might look like meditating once a day or journaling or taking a bath to recharge or doing yoga or speaking affirmations to ourselves in the mirror. It can also look like getting proper hydration and making sure we’re feeding ourselves. (I am intentionally avoiding the phrase “eating right” because what “eating right” looks like from person to person is going to be so different, and I don’t subscribe to the uber healthy fitness culture.)

These are things we can do to take care of our physical and mental selves. Certainly, there are other things as well, but the above is just a quick list of things I could think of off the top of my head. The point being: we all struggle to take care of our mental health, and those struggles are all valid.

But — not everyone has mental illness. Mental illness is different than generic mental health. Depression, anxiety, PTSD and CPTSD and other results of trauma, and many other psychological conditions are what is defined as a type of mental illness. And while the things I’ve listed above with regards to taking care of our mental health can help with mental illness, they are not “cures” to something like anxiety and depression.

I have been on three different antidepressants now and one anti-anxiety medication. I first was on Prozac and it worked for a time, although I had to frequently get my dosage increased because it wouldn’t work for longer than six months. So then I was put on Zoloft and while it did help my depression, it also made me numb and uninterested in things. I absolutely hated how Zoloft made me feel. Now, I’m on Wellbutrin and so far, it is working the best out of any of the medications. I feel more like myself than I have in a very long time, and I have so much more motivation to get things done.

But sometimes, we need more than medication. And don’t get me started on the horrible stigmas around taking mental health medication. No one bats an eye at doctors overprescribing Vicodin or Oxycodone, but the moment a doctor puts someone on an antidepressant, everyone is outraged. “I could never take those pills! Don’t they just make you feel so different? So weird? How will you ever learn to manage these struggles if you just medicate them away?” I’m so sick of all of those arguments. I’m trying not to actively kill myself, thank you, so I don’t give a flying fuck about what you think. In the words of Taylor Tomlinson, “Those people don’t care if you live or die, so maybe fuck those people a little?”

Yes. If you care more about how you feel about someone else taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds than you do about how those meds allow them to function, you’re a piece of shit. Fuck you.

But like I said, sometimes we need more than medication. I was in EMDR for a while and naively assumed that because I had successfully treated the trauma of my marriage, that I was fine now. Yeah, not how it works. There are still so many patterns and default settings in my psyche that relate back to my marriage and other traumatic experiences I had with people after I left my ex, that the medications, while helping me function, are not helping me heal. I’ve seen these things popping up in multiple areas of my life and it’s not only upsetting, it’s unhealthy to let them fester.

Too many people let those things fester, and then those wounds get worse and the impact is all the more severe. I’ve said this before: the trauma is not our fault, but the healing is our responsibility. Otherwise those things come out in ways that can hurt the people around us, and that, if left untreated, can turn into abuse. It’s how the abusive cycles continue from generation to generation. Breaking that cycle is hard. But necessary. And I get that it’s both hard and scary, seeking out real help for our mental illnesses and trauma. But some people would rather keep the trauma that is familiar than embrace the chance for healing. The pain of familiarity is easier to take than the uncertainty of potential happiness.

I’ve been there. It’s why I stayed in my abusive marriage for as long as I did. But then the result of that was, when I did leave my ex-husband, I stepped out of one abusive situation into another, different living situation with others who were also abusive and used me for money. The red flags were there and had been there since I had met the two of them, and looking back it is easy to see those things now. But I wanted what I thought they were offering, and so I went against my gut instincts and walked into a situation that only fucked me up more, and that situation continued to fuck me up as they both spread horrible lies about me and literally tried to ruin my life.

Avoiding healing helps no one but those who would take advantage of you. And while I’m not in a traumatic living situation now, the impact of my marriage and the living situation that followed it was and is still impacting me in negative ways. I can choose to ignore those things, which will only make them worse, or I can take ownership of my own healing, my own life, and actually commit to the hard work. So, now that I finally have health insurance again, I will be starting therapy. Thank all the gods there are, I have really good health insurance right now that is going to make it possible for me to actually see a therapist once a week without paying hundreds out of pocket every month. (This is why I believe in complete universal healthcare. People should not be put into enormous amounts of debt just to keep their bodies and minds functioning. Anyone who believes otherwise is either ignorant or heartless.)

I’ve been calling around looking for therapists that are taking new patients, and it’s taking time. And even if/when I find a therapist, it will take even more time to get in to see them, but at least I am starting the process now. Because I have seen the horrible ways that trauma takes otherwise decent people and turns them into selfish, self-centered, assholes. Some people are fine being assholes, no matter how many people it alienates, but I’m not.

We will see how therapy helps. Keep me in your good thoughts.

Updates and Affmirations

Last night was rough. I did not sleep well and have not slept well for about two weeks or more. My partner snores and, as much as I love him, I’m going to have to sleep on the couch for the foreseeable future because I need more than four hours of sleep every night.

But, putting that aside, I am excited to announce that the rough draft of book one of The Olympic Fates Saga is almost done! It’s taken a bit of detour that I didn’t anticipate, but which is giving my characters so much more development. Especially Menelaus and Helen. So I am loving watching the story unfold. It’s currently at about 48,000 words, which means the completed manuscript will likely clock in around 60,000 words total.

I’m still working on it and it is still on track to release to Kindle Vella on the 1st of April.

Yesterday and today, though, I was reminded of something that I already know and keep ignoring: I am meant to write poetry. I joined this amazing group on Facebook called The 365 Poetry Prompt Challenge and I have been writing so many poems in response to these prompts! Some of them aren’t the greatest, especially if I have to utilize a specific rhyming pattern (I’m terribly with rhymes), but there are several that I am really proud of.

One of the admins of the group told me today that I am meant to be a poet; she asked if I was going to publish a collection of poetry and, after telling her I already have one collection published, I said that yes — I am hoping to publish many more volumes of poetry. I’m still submitting Sonnets for Post-Divorce Photosynthesis for publication consideration at different book publishers, as well as trying to get some of the individual sonnets published, too. And now, after writing something like 15 poems in the last two days, I am looking ahead to potentially putting together a second volume of poetry this year.

In 2020 I gave myself the goal of writing 150 new poems for the year, and I exceeded that by some distance. I did not give myself the goal of writing a specified number of poems in 2021 or 2022 because I was 1) celebrating the publication of my debut poetry collection, Even the Air, Too Heavy, and 2) either completing my M.F.A. in Creative Writing or starting my M.A. in Literature and so I was focused on other goals. And then in 2023 I was finishing up my M.A. in Literature, so I didn’t make a poetry writing goal for that year, either.

Now, I am making a conscious effort to write 200 new poems for this year. It’ll be hard, considering how much other writing I’ll be doing, but when I write poetry, my writing improves exponentially to when I am only writing prose. And I would really love to reach the end of 2024, look at the 200 poems I’ve written, and say confidently that I wrote at least 3 new full collections of poetry this year. (A full collection of poetry starts at a minimum of 40 pages.) If I can write 3 books of poetry and 3 novels, I’ll have written 6 full books this year and that will make me outright ecstatic.

And look, it isn’t really about the number of books released (although that is part of it); it’s about the ability to say that I gave myself a seemingly insurmountable goal, and I accomplished it. Each goal we set and then achieve is one more level we’ve conquered in this writing game. And the more levels we conquer, the more our writing and creative selves improve. That doesn’t mean your writing goal has to look like mine. Perhaps your insurmountable writing goal is to finish the rough draft of a book. Or maybe it’s take an already completed manuscript and submit it to agents or publishers.

The point is that we should always be challenging ourselves more and more every year. That’s the only way we can become masters of our craft.

So today, let’s affirm ourselves and each other: we can reach our goals.

Book Review – Homeland by R.A. Salvatore

There’s something like 38 books in The Legend of Drizzt series and I do not intend to review them all, however there are some books that stand out among others and those I am going to review. This book is one of them and, chronologically speaking, it is the first in the series so it seems a great place to start.

The Legend of Drizzt books are epic, high fantasies that take place in the Dungeons and Dragons world of The Forgotten Realms. They chronicle the lives and adventures of five primary characters: Drizzt Do’Urden, the drow rogue; Catty-Brie, the human adopted daughter of Brunor Battlehammer, a dwarf; Regis, the sneaky halfling, and Wulfgar, the barbarian adopted son of Brunor Battlehammer. These five make up what comes to be known as The Companions of the Hall.

This book, however, is specifically about Drizzt and takes place decades before he ever meets any of the other Companions of the Hall. This book chronicles the circumstances around Drizzt’s birth, his child years, his training in the drow city of Menzoberranzan, and the events that cause him to forsake his heritage, his people, and become a rogue.

I won’t go into details because there are far too many to name, but this novel provides tremendous insight into the culture of the drow and the innerworkings of Menzoberranzan. The reader is introduced to central and important characters to Drizzt’s development like Jarlaxle, the mercenary drow, and Zaknafein Do’Urden, Drizzt’s father. Drow culture is a matriarchy and drows worship the evil and cruel spider-queen goddess, Lloth. Zaknafein, Drizzt’s father, is openly critical of Lloth and hopes to influence his son enough to keep him from “buying in” to the drow way of life, so to speak.

This was the first book in The Legend of Drizzt that I read. I first became interested in the story through the incredible representation of strong and complicated female characters. Drizzt’s mother, Malice, is the matron of house Do’Urden, and one utterly devoid of love, compassion, empathy. The book begins with her giving birth to Drizzt, a baby she believes will be a girl. The more girls born into a drow family, the more powerful the family is considered. Girls are a blessing from Lloth, after all.

But when Drizzt is born a boy, the decision is made to sacrifice him to Lloth, for house Do’Urden already has two sons, and no more than two males are allowed to be born into (almost) any of the drow houses. But on the same night of Drizzt’s birth, the fighters in house Do’Urden are secretly attacking another house in Menzobarranzan. If they succeed in killing everyone within that house, then house Do’Urden can move up in the house rankings within the city, granting them more power, influence, and prestige. In-fighting between houses is something that is officially against the law, but only if the attacking house is caught. And while the fighters of house Do’Urden are in the process of attacking this other house, Drizzt’s older brother, Dinin, kills Nalfien, the other son of house Do’Urden.

House Do’urden is successful in its attack on the other house, and with Nalfein murdered, Drizzt is allowed to live. He is influenced heavily by his father, Zaknafein, as he is raised and trained to be a fighter. Zaknafein is the house’s weapon’s master and one of (if not the) most skilled fighter in all of Menzobarranzan. He does not want his son to become cruel and heartless, and so he does what little he can to influence Drizzt positively before the boy is taken into his official training with the drow academy. It isn’t until Drizzt leaves the academy that Zaknafein finds out whether or not his son has held true to the principles he tried to instill in him before the academy.

Without giving anything away, I will say this: Drizzt took to heart his father’s teachings. Events are set in motion as this novel reaches its climax that result in Drizzt fleeing Menzobarranzan, denouncing drow culture, life, and especially religion — he makes a particular point to denounce Lloth, which makes him a heretic in the eyes of the women of his house — and he makes his way into the Underdark, the caverns within which the drow city was built.

There is so much to love in this book. The reader sees most of what occurs through either Drizzt’s eyes or his mother’s, Matron Malice. However, there are scenes written from both Zaknafein’s perspective as well as Jarlaxle, the drow who leads the band of mercenaries called Bregan D’aerthe. And while there are a lot of names of a lot of characters to keep track of, the book does a great job of giving enough detail without being too overwhelming (something I think the later books tend to struggle with).

The themes of selflessness, of resilience, of resistance, of self-sacrifice, and of the pure, unadulterated love between father and son are what make this novel one of the best fantasy books I have ever read. And while the other two books in this trilogy are also incredible, and I will review them later, this is the book that really took my breath away. The emotions of this book, the ups and downs and the mystery, kept me hooked from the first line to the last. And while the women of the book are, almost all of them, considered villains, they are also so complex and aren’t shoved into any stereotypes or cliches. They have agency and intelligence and cunning.

Read this book. If you like fantasy, read this book. It will start the process that changes your life forever, and that is not an exaggeration.

Indie Book Review – Beyond the Wind by Trish Laubacker

This is a short, historical romance novella.

It is about a young woman named Laura and the young man her grandfather is trying to convince her to marry. His name is Triston. Laura’s grandfather hosts a ball/party at his estate in Kentucky and invites a lot of young people to the party, including Triston. Neither Laura nor Triston are interested in a betrothal of any kind. But an event takes place at the party that changes everything for Laura and her family.

I enjoyed this book. It is an easy read. I liked how the story was inspired by a real storm that took place in Kentucky in the 1800s. It added a level of historical relevancy to the story and the characters. The writing in this book is not as polished as it could be; the manuscript could have used a few more rounds of edits and I think the story would have benefitted from more details of the time period. I recognize that, as a novella, there isn’t a lot of room for details and word building, but the setting felt very two dimensional. The characters of Laura and Triston and Laura’s mother, Margie, are more developed than the setting and so they feel almost out of place. If more details of the era had been included, I think it would have felt more well-rounded.

Historical romances are fun to read, and this book was no exception. It’s clear that the author took time with these characters and really tried to build a scenario that would thrust them together in a time of crisis. I liked that part of this story. If you like short historical romances, this is a good book to pick up.

Adapting The Classics

Yesterday I posted a picture to my Instagram of a pile of books of Greek Mythology. They are the books I will be reading over the next…well, probably several years, as I really dive into this new Greek Mythology re-telling series I’m writing for Kindle Vella. I’m currently making my way through The Iliad since it will be the first book that I start re-telling once I get through this Origins Duology.

Before I go further, some clarification: you are going to see me refer to the books in my Olympic Fates Saga by a few different names. This is because the books are first going to be published on Kindle Vella, and the naming scheme for stories on KV is different than it is when publishing an e-book or paperback. On KV, they’re not even called books, but stories. If a story has multiple parts (like, say, it’s in a trilogy), then the authors can call it Name of Story: Book 1, or Name of Story: Season 1. Some authors publish each book/season separately (meaning each book/season is its own story), and some publish each book/season in the same story, creating stories that are many hundreds of episodes long.

Which I am going to do, I do not yet know. There’s a lot of very strong feelings on this by other authors and I just haven’t seen enough of an explanation of the benefits of either option to make a really informed decision.

What I do know is that the first story in my Olympic Fates Saga will be called Olympic Fates Saga: Season 1 on Kindle Vella.

When I publish it as an ebook and paperback later this year, it will be The Olympic Fates Saga: Origins Duology: Name of the first book (which I am still wrestling over).

The reason I’m distinguishing between the first two books is because they’re setting up the world and giving background information necessary for the rest of the series. The rest of the series will likely be separated into trilogies. I think that will make it easier to tackle.

Now, onto the reading I’m currently doing. I won’t even be touching on anything in The Iliad until book 3 of my Olympic Fates Saga, but I think it will be very helpful if I have at least half of the book read and important scenes/conversations underlined by the time I get to writing that book. For example, The Iliad begins with an argument between Achilles and Agamemnon over who gets which slaves they captured in their sacking of Thebe. Both men are stubborn. Both men are powerful in their respective statuses. Both men feel entitled to their spoils after their victory in the city of Thebe. And while this specific instance is not relevant to the duology I’m currently writing, their personalities, their hostility towards each other, and their personal perspectives absolutely informs how I will portray them in my books.

These scenes are also reminding me of which characters definitely need to be introduced in this duology so that I’m not having to play catch-up with their character development as we move into the Trojan War. Some characters won’t be utilized. I don’t think I’m going to include Penelope’s and Odysseus’s son, for example, because I genuinely don’t know how I would accomplish this given the world I’m setting up. His character is also not particularly important, even at the end of The Odyssey, so I doubt that I will include him. And there are definitely some characters that won’t need to be included until the third book or later, so I’m not too worried about introducing everyone, but the characters who will develop the most as we get into the really deep mythological texts will need to be introduced in this duology, and that’s what I’m focusing on.

I did forget how much of a shit Achilles is, I will admit. But I’m hoping to shift his character into one much more heroic and honorable than egotistical and selfish and…well, dramatic.

I’m sure I’ll have more updates as I go.

Writing Sex Scenes

Yep, we are going to get into it.

If you’ve read my novel, A Kiss of Glass, then you know there are a couple of sex scenes. They are what I would call mildly spicy with some explicit content, but nothing that I would call a full sex scene. There’s enough that the reader gets the point without stepping into erotica territory. (And there is nothing wrong with erotica. It’s just not what my fantasy series is.)

However, my newest project that I am currently working on while my sequel novel is with beta readers and sensitivity readers, is definitely much closer to the romance/erotica categories. This first book, which will be called Olympic Fates: Season 1 on Kindle Vella, currently has four or five sex scenes that are very detailed and incredibly spicy. I’m not sure it would be called erotica, but it is a steamy romance.

And here’s the thing: I was raised in a very traditional, fundamentalist Christian household. Sex was not discussed. We did not watch sex scenes in movies or television. Nudity in films was skipped over, assuming we watched the movie at all. So I never grew up thinking that I would write about sex or include sex scenes in my work. And while I could write a lengthy post on the evils of purity culture and how I will not ever agree with this kind of abstinence-only centric perspective on sex, for the purposes of this post I want to just make the point that writing sex scenes is so much fun!

Before I get into that, though, I want to make a few things clear: 1) Sex is NORMAL. It is not evil or dangerous or sinful. It is a normal thing that should occur between enthusiastically consenting adults. 2) There’s nothing wrong with being a sexual person. And 3) There’s also nothing wrong if you aren’t a sexual person.

Now, onto how much fun it is to write sex scenes.

It really is so, so much fun. But I also want to make sure that I’m writing scenes that do not glorify abuse or toxicity or gray areas regarding consent. There’s too much content that already glorifies rape. I refuse to pile on. So when I’m writing my sex scenes, I make sure to include the things that prove that a sexual connection is healthy and pleasurable for all involved.

1) I ALWAYS make sure that my characters ask for consent every single time they have sex. Doesn’t matter if it’s their spouse and they already know that they want to have sex, I still include a request for consent because yes — that shit is hot as fuck.

The first time a date asked permission to kiss me was back in early 2020 when I was still casually dating people and it was one of the single most sexy things I have ever experienced. Because yes, I already wanted him to kiss me, and so hearing him ask for permission — whew, it was hot. I was ready to go all the way right then, to be honest. So for all the men who are like, “But asking for consent ruins the moment,” NO IT DOES NOT. And anyone who says otherwise, regardless of gender, needs to be in therapy to deconstruct that shit.

The series I’m working on right now is taking Greek mythological stories and characters and transposing them into a regency-era setting. Penelope and Odysseus are the main characters of this series and even though they are now married, he asks for consent every single time. Without fail. And later on when the villain gets married, he is also going to ask for consent because it doesn’t matter how evil my villains are, they will not ever, EVER, resort to rape or sexual abuse. Villains can be villains without perpetuating violence against women, and I am just really tired of the whole “But it’s more realistic” argument.

2) My characters practice open communication regarding what they like sexually. No one is expected to “just know” what someone likes, and no one is expected to “figure it out on their own.” Again, even if it’s a sex scene with one of my villains, there is not and will never be anything even resembling rape or any form of sexual violence. If a character wants something, they ask for it. And the other person listens. That’s how healthy sexual interactions should go.

3) Homophobia and transphobia will never be something that my characters face. In the same way that my villains don’t rape, they also will not be homophobes or transphobes. It’s 2024. Our villains have to be developed more thoroughly, otherwise we’re just regurgitating the same shit from fifteen years ago, and in my worlds where magic is real and gods and goddesses exist, a villain not perpetuating bigotry should be par for the course. Right now, I have one villain and he’s a character from The Odyssey. His development is one of the most fun parts of this new series because I’m intentionally not relying on the tired and cliche villain tropes. This means that I have to work harder to show how he develops into a villain and why he chooses that path. I absolutely want people to hate him when they read his story, but I also want him to challenge what it means to be a villain in this fantasy world.

4) Yes, I have queer characters in this series, too. I’m retelling ancient Greek myths and sexuality was very, very fluid at that time. I mean, have you read The Iliad? Do you remember how enraged Achilles is after Patroclus is killed? How he fights Hector and then desecrates his corpse? Do you think a man would do that for a younger cousin? Nope. Achilles was avenging the man he loves. And yes, Achilles and Patroclus are an open, committed couple in my Olympic Fates Saga. And none of my villains are going to be or say anything homophobic. It simply will not happen.

Honestly, these things are very liberating as well as fun. It means that I can really play with what healthy sexual expression should look like. And I want to be clear: my refusal to portray things like rape or homophobia or transphobia in my work isn’t meant to be dismissive of how awful those things are. These are issues that our community still faces. Conservatives and far-right fundamentalist pastors who call themselves christians are still actively calling for all LGBTQIA2S+ people to be arrested, charged with crimes, and then EXECUTED. So yes, I take that seriously. Extremely so.

But in my own fantasy world, I can create a society where all queer people are free to be safe and live as their most authentic selves. And that is precisely what I am trying to do: reimagine the world without queerphobia in it at all. I do this in my fantasy series and I’m doing it in my Olympic Fates Saga because we cannot actually change the world to be a better place if we never allow ourselves to imagine what that better place could look like.

And it really is a lot of fun.

One thing I’m not carrying with me into 2024 is the shame I know other people expect me to feel over my own sexuality. I am bisexual. I do not and will not hide this truth about myself. I am not ashamed of who I am and, in fact, since I have come out, I have been happier and healthier and more authentic. Plus, other people expecting me to feel shame is entirely a projection of their own shame onto me. I have nothing to be ashamed of. But the people who hate that I exist, the people who believe that any sexuality other than heterosexuality is a sin or an abomination, they’re the ones carrying shame.

And that’s not my responsibility.

I am so excited to start releasing these episodes! Starting April 1st, the first 5 episodes will be live to Kindle Vella. The first season will be completed by the end of August and then hopefully the second season will be written and ready to share, and those first 5 episodes will be uploaded by September 1st.

Can you believe we’re already almost halfway through January?

Getting Back to Sales

The other day I went into my KDP profile and decided to set up my first promotion of the year for my novel, A Kiss of Glass. I decided to utilize the 5 Day Free Ebook Promo and it started some time on Tuesday.

I’ve done this promotion once before, back in September 2023, and it was the first time I sold over 100 copies in a single day. In fact, for the entire month of September, I made over 400 total sales and my novel reached the top 5 slot in two different Amazon categories (Fairy Tales and LGBTQ+ Fantasy, if I recall correctly). It was an absolutely amazing week and it set me on cloud nine. In fact, it encouraged me so much that I actually started working on my sequel novel in earnest, when I had previously been struggling and dragging my feet.

I sold almost 500 total copies of my debut novel in the first 6 months it was released, and my original goal was that, by the time the sequel novel came out (which would be exactly one year later), I would have sold at least 1,000 copies of my debut. Now, I think I’m going to go beyond that marker.

My novel is on Kindle as well as Kindle Unlimited. Enrollment in KU lasts 90 days and at that point, authors can either opt in to have their books automatically renewed in KU, or they can opt into what’s called “wide distribution.” That simply means that if a book is not enrolled in Kindle Unlimited, the ebook can be distributed on multiple platforms: Nook, IngramSpark, Draft2Digital, etc. If a book is enrolled in KU, the ebook is only allowed to be distributed through Kindle. Again, this lasts for 90 days at a time so that authors can experiment with which option works best for them.

So far, Kindle Unlimited has been responsible for my book being read through in its entirety at least twice every month since its publication, so I have always kept it enrolled in Kindle Unlimited. The 5 Day Free Ebook Promotion and their Countdown Deal Promotion can only be utilized once every 90 day period. I utilized it in September 2023, forgot about it, and then just this Tuesday decided to utilize it again. Once this 90 day period is over, I can set up another free ebook deal in the last half of March, and then again in the last half June.

So far in the two days this promotion has been active, I’ve sold almost 300 copies of my book. I’ve I didn’t sell another single copy this week, and if I only sold 200 copies in each of the next two promotions I run, I would still reach beyond my goal of 1,000 sales by June 30, 2o24 by almost 100 extra books. And sure, you might be saying, “But they’re free so you’re not making any money.” Yeah, I don’t care about the money right now. I am still a relatively unknown author. I care more about getting my book into reader’s hands than I do about making royalties.

I’ve said this before in other posts, but a one time sale can get me anywhere from $2.00 (ebook royalties) and $15.00 (direct sale royalties), and while that can definitely add up to being a nice amount of cash, it will ultimately mean nothing if my book gets shelved and never read. If they don’t read my debut, they won’t buy my sequel. So I would rather sacrifice financial compensation by offering my book for free every 90 days and ensure it’s getting into the hands of potential readers, than take the one-time royalty payment and never see those readers again. Because the more people who have a copy of my book, the more likely it will, eventually, be read.

Another great thing this does is boost my novel up into the bestseller category. Last time, I made it to the top 3 in Fairy Tales, which was really awesome and I definitely freaked out.

This time, my novel reached the #1 slot for LGBTQ+ Fantasy.

#1!! My book is a #1 bestseller!

That is definitely going on the cover of my sequel novel.

The higher my book is boosted, the more it’s suggested to other readers. All the different ways the algorithm can be used in your own favor, but it takes time and persistence to understand the specifics of how to use them. And I wish I had paid more attention to when Stuff Your Kindle Day was because I missed that shit. Oh well. Notes for next year.

My sequel novel, A Shift of Crimson, is with my beta readers and my sensitivity reader. Once I get their feedback, I will move on to the third draft. Until then, I will continue to keep working on book one of my Olympic Fates Saga.

I hope you’re all having a great start to your new year! I know I am.

Movie Review – Iron Claw

SPOILERS WILL BE INCLUDED.

There are several movies out right now that I want to see. Most recently, I went by myself to see Poor Things and, while it was a very well done movie, it left me very dissatisfied.

Over the weekend, my partner and I went to see Iron Claw, a movie about the Von Erich family that was inducted into the wrestling hall of fame in 2009. I am not and never have been a wrestling fan, but the movie looked really good and I loved several key cast members, and so my partner and I went to see it on Saturday. I knew nothing about the family going in. I thought it was going to be a story about brothers who are all wrestlers and who compete against each other for the world title.

I was so, so wrong.

I was thoroughly unprepared for the story we were given. I cried the entire last hour of the movie, almost nonstop, and that is not hyperbole. Please, please check trigger warnings. This film deals with topics like addiction, mental illness, suicide ideation, abuse, toxic masculinity, and many other things that are deeply triggering. The film handles it beautifully and with care, but the realities of what happens on screen was almost too much for me to handle. I very nearly had to leave the theater because I was crying so hard, I couldn’t breathe.

But ya’ll…this was one of the single most beautiful movies I have ever seen in my life. It was produced by A24, which makes sense because they’re the best production studio in Hollywood right now. The writing is absolutely genius. The way they encapsulate the connections between the brothers as well as their very toxic, very abuse relationship with their father, is just remarkable. So many of these types of movies have been made and so often the writers resort to cliches or trying to repeat things that have been done before, but this film is different. It’s about wrestling, yes, but it is not a wrestling film. The Von Erich brothers are wrestlers, yes, and the movie is about them as wrestlers, yes, but it’s much more about them as a family unit, as young men who love each other.

Zac Efron’s acting was so incredible, I don’t even know how to describe it. Firstly, he is fucking jacked in this movie. Like, damn. But even beyond that, his acting his jacked; his microexpressions, the ways he speaks to reveal vulnerability, the tenderness he shows to his brothers, to his wife, to his kids…there is truly so much that Efron brings to this movie, and yet you forget it’s Zac Efron because he is so in character.

Lily James is phenomenal as well. I absolutely adored her character and while I wish she had been in it more, when she is on screen, she dominates. She brings just as much strength and depth and vulnerability as Efron, and I really think the two of them fed off each other in every single scene. They aren’t just convincing as a couple, they’re convincing as two individuals who love each other and are struggling to be what the other needs as the family’s tragedies unravel.

I honestly don’t remember much of the score. And that’s not a bad thing. I was so engrossed with the story and the characters that I think I just genuinely wasn’t hearing the music. I know there was a lot of 80’s music, particularly country, in the scenes where there are parties or wedding receptions, etc. But besides that, I couldn’t tell you much about the score.

The acting from the other members of the cast is truly spectacular as well. And by the end, all I wanted was for Kevin — Zac Efron’s character — to be alive and happy. And while there is a lot of tragedy in this film (again, trigger warnings for substance abuse, suicide ideation, suicide itself, abuse, etc), I can say that it does end on somewhat of a happy note. I won’t say what it is, but there is a beautiful moment between Kevin and his two boys that absolutely broke me, but was such a beautiful way to end this powerhouse of an emotional rollercoaster.

And I think the most compelling piece of this film is its commentary on the ways in which children will abuse themselves to make their parents proud. And any parent who is comfortable with that is an outright abusive, evil, selfish piece of shit. Not many movies do as good a job at exposing the toxic attitudes and behaviors of parents who want their kids to accomplish what they didn’t, and this movie is absolutely one of the few that does. Because while the film does capture their father’s passion for wrestling, it is, in no way, a redeeming trait. There’s no attempt to justify the many, many ways their father fails them. And so often, even the most toxic of parents are given some form of redemption or justification, so it was refreshing to see that this was not the case in this film. By the end, you truly hate their father.

I want to see this movie again so badly, but I will be an emotional wreck again, and maybe even worse than the first time. And I really want to see The Color Purple next, so I may not get around to seeing The Iron Claw again until it is released on streaming. But regardless, it was a truly fantastic film and I am so glad I went to see it. You should see it, too.

Drafting and the Revising Process

I am in an interesting place with my current projects.

I’m working on the second draft of my sequel novel, A Shift of Crimson (I’m actually only a few chapters away from completing the second draft), as well as drafting the rough draft of the first novel in my Olympic Fates Saga, which I’m about halfway through. And one thing I’ve found intriguing is the ways in which both of these manuscripts inform the other, despite the fact that they’re in completely different worlds and are part of very different genres.

I’ve never worked on multiple writing projects at the same time before, and for a while, I didn’t think I’d be able to pull it off. I thought I’d be too scattered and disjointed to make either of the projects work. In other words, I thought I would be half-assing them both, leading to mediocre content that no one would want to read. But instead I’ve found that, in fact, the opposite has been true. Working on one helps me keep working on the other; it gives me ideas, it gives my brain a break when it needs something fresh to focus on, and I don’t feel as stuck in either project as I sometimes do when I’m working on one thing at a time.

One of the things I do to make this work and to make sure I keep to my deadlines is time management. I schedule out which days I will work on my sequel novel and which days I will work on my Olympic Fates Saga Book 1. Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays I work on A Shift of Crimson. It’s the longer book and, therefore, needs more of my time throughout the week. Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays I work on the first book in my Olympic Fates Saga. It will be much shorter than my other novels, likely no more than 75,000 words at the most (I’m really trying to keep it closer to 50,000-60,000), and so will need fewer drafts.

But it is interesting to be in the drafting process for the latter project while I’m in the revision process for the former because these two processes, while they have overlapping qualities, are, at their core, very different from each other. And yet working on these two projects and focusing on these two different processes has been not only fun and exciting, but helpful. I’ve been getting so much revision done on my sequel, and I genuinely thought I was going to fall so behind. But at this rate, I’ll be completing my second draft by January 15, which is when I’m sending the manuscript to my beta readers and my sensitivity reader, so then I’ll spend the rest of January and all of February focusing on book one of my Olympic Fates Saga.

I think later in the year, this will get busier and more complicated, especially when I’m juggling a release to audible in March (MY DEBUT NOVEL IS GOING TO BE AN AUDIOBOOK AND I AM SO EXCITED), a release to Kindle Vella in April, the drafting and revision of the second book in my Olympic Fates Saga, a release to KDP in June, a local book tour celebrating and promoting the release of my sequel novel, the beginning outline and draft of my third novel, another release to Kindle Vella in late August/early September, the drafting and revision of the third book in my Olympic Fates Saga, another release to KDP in November/December (once a book is marked as “completed” in Kindle Vella, you can publish it as an ebook, paperback, hardcover, and audiobook after 30 days from the day of completion, and that’s what I’ll be doing with the first book in my Olmpic Fates Saga), and then yet another release to Audible for my sequel novel in December/January. That’s going to be a shit-ton to manage all at once on top of working full time, working just as hard on the marketing and publicizing of my books, keeping up with my social life, doing the hiking with my puppy, and keeping my condo clean.

Seriously. What am I thinking? Should I be talked down from this ledge?

I kid, I kid. I’m excited to be this busy because I will be investing time into the things I love, into books and projects I am truly passionate about, and I will be continuing to learn and grow not only as a writer, but as a publisher of my own work. By this time next year, January 2025, I will have 4 books published with a 5th on the way. Hopefully, this will boost my success as an author and keep the momentum going.

And oh yeah — I’m turning my debut novel into an audiobook! I am not doing this narration myself because that would be a disaster. I found my narrator through Audible; she is fantastic and has a stunning voice, so I think she will do an incredible job bringing my novel and my characters to life. The release for that is set for March right now.

That’s all for now! I’m sending out love and light to you all. Let me know how you’re doing in the comments!