Janel Brubaker's Blog, page 9

Whiskey On Tuesday

It’s been a long and productive day.

I worked eight hours today at an elementary school. I was with special education students again, like I will be for most of the rest of the school year. When I came home, I cleaned up my side of the bedroom, got a bunch of garbage picked up, got a full load of dishes in the dishwasher, got two loads of laundry going, and took our puppy, Kiki, to the park. I’ve been struggling to get things done around the house due to the increased stress and physical vigor of my substitute teaching job. I’ve let a lot of things fall to the wayside, things that need to get done, things I can’t expect my partner to always do just because I’m tired.

And even though I’m utterly exhausted right now (because a day entirely on my feet running around with kids and expending mental, emotional, and physical energy to keep them engaged, learning, and safe is even more tiring than it sounds), I’m also proud of myself for getting things done. Ever since I left my ex, I’ve been learning a lot about myself. I already knew I had anxiety and depression. Now I know I have complex PTSD. I’m autistic. I likely have ADHD. And managing all of these things while also holding down a full time job and being a full time grad student and working on a novel is running me fucking ragged.

Some days I just don’t have the capacity to focus on cleaning.

Last week, a kid hit me over the head with a tree branch really hard. He pushed me, shoved me, cussed me out, called me names. He threw things at me. These are sometimes daily occurrences, depending on what sort of tumultuous things are going on in the kids’ lives, and they are incredibly taxing. It takes hours to come down from those experiences and actually get myself back to a state of relaxation. And for me, that’s already hard because I constantly feel as though I’m not doing enough, not getting enough done. My ex and the people I lived with after him made me feel this way on a consistent basis. I was expected to make up for their own shortcomings, and it’s instilled in me an internalized feeling of unworthiness that is pervasive.

I’m grateful to have a partner who communicates when he needs more from me, and does so with patience, compassion, and an understanding that even when I’m trying my best, I will still fail. Because the point shouldn’t even be to reach perfection, but rather to take everything day by day, or even moment by moment. Ten and a half years of my life was spent with other people telling me all of the things I was doing wrong, without any compassion or recognition for my own struggles, as well as the things I was doing right.

So yes, I am proud of what I got done today. I intend to do more tomorrow, if I can. Sometimes I am capable of more than I think, and other times I really just need the fucking rest. I choose to surround myself with the people who understand this and don’t minimize my struggles just because they think theirs are worse. Cause fuck that noise.

I’m sipping on about a shot and a half of whiskey. Woodford Reserves. Neat. And I relish it because I am living the life I always wanted, and that is worth celebrating.

Another Draft Down

As of today, I have completed six full drafts of my debut novel!

And I have to say, it’s really good! I’m flattering myself here a little, but I think it’s important for writers to acknowledge when they have written something of merit. Imposter Syndrome is real and I think it afflicts us all at various points in the writing process, but at some point we also have to take the leap and say, “No, it’s not perfect, but it’s getting the job done and it’s well written. Here’s my book.”

One thing I was worried about was that the book would feel too shallow, too surface level to be considered mostly completed. But after going through and reading the feedback from my most recent round of beta readers, I’ve realized it’s much more in-depth than I realized. Which happens, of course, because I’ve been with this book for over a year now. I’ve revised it heavily. I’ve read through it so many times, it’s bound to lose some of its magic. But this most recent readthrough has shown me that the book is actually very close to being done.

Like, actually done done.

And I can’t even talk about how exciting that is. Not yet. I’ll save that for another post.

The next draft will be a continued revision of two of the weakest chapters. I’m honestly surprised there are only two. And then the eighth and final draft will be a slow and detailed proofread to make sure that each sentence flows and the word choices make sense. I’ll have all of April and May to get this done, which is good because I also have two fairly hefty final papers to write this semester and they will take up big portions of my weekends.

Once the proofread is done, the manuscript will be sent to my interior designer. Once that is finished, pre-orders will officially open (HOLY SHIT) and I will be in marketing mode at full force. My goal for the summer is to do a small Oregon and southern Washington book tour, which will take a lot of time to plan out and organize. But I will be working very minimally over the summer so as to give myself enough time to focus on the book tour and on finishing the rough draft of my sequel.

I’m just…I’m still so stunned that I can actually say that this is where I am now. As hard as it was to write my book of poetry, this process has been so much harder. Fiction is just a different world. And retelling fairy tales in ways that are new, surprising, and yet still carry the sense of the familiar, is extremely difficult. I can’t say I’ve done all of that as successfully as I would have liked, but I can say that I’m proud of my efforts. I love this book. I love these characters. And I’m thrilled that I get to stay with them for several more books to come.

There were people who tried to tear me down. People who tried to destroy my writing, my creativity, my ambition. They failed. I’m not only still here, I’m thriving in ways I never could have imagined, and there is beauty in that. I don’t wish them ill, but their actions, their choices will carry their own consequences. Things didn’t have to be this way, but they chose this path. I didn’t.

And I will keep writing. I will keep putting my work out into the world. I will keep surrounding myself with the writers, artists, and creatives who love and support me. And I will love and support them. Today, I’m happy. I’m thankful. I’m excited. I’m incredibly proud of myself.

Spring Break

It’s officially the start of spring break, and I definitely need it.

As much as I love this new job — and I absolutely love every single second — it is hard. It’s draining, it’s frustrating, it’s complicated, and it’s fulfilling. I am always tired, and often too much so to do anything after work besides eat and watch television. Emotionally, mentally, and physically I’m drained most days. This means that my writing and school work has suffered some. I had hoped that I would have a completed rough draft of my sequel novel by the end of March, but that is definitely not going to happen. And I’m allowing myself to accept that rather than push through to try and make that goal. Ultimately, I need to maintain any amount of creative energy I can for when I get the last round of feedback from my beta readers. My debut novel will need more revision, and I will not be pushing out my publishing date.

April and half of May will be busy with revisions so that I can get the final manuscript to my designer for the interior design of my book. My goal is that, by the end of May, I’ll have ARCs to send to book reviewers to try and amp up anticipation for the book. And then I’ll need to plan my book launch party, and I don’t even know when that will be.

One thing I have to remind myself is that, yes, my book is going to be imperfect. I will not have every single flaw addressed and fixed before the release, and I may not be completely satisfied with the finished result (is any writer ever completely satisfied with anything they write?), but that’s okay. It’s my debut novel. And if I refuse to publish anything until it’s perfect, I’ll never publish anything at all. So I’m embracing the reality that my manuscript will be flawed, but hopefully it will still be enjoyed by those who read it.

And then that will give me a goal for the sequel: make that manuscript better than the one before it. Plus, I can always go back and revise the first novel and re-release it if I feel that’s necessary. A lot of writers do this with their first few books, so there’s no reason why I can’t do the same thing. Moreover, I can already see how the sequel is going to be a better book. A Kiss of Glass has been a lot of first for me, so I need to give myself permission to learn as I go, and make changes later if I need to.

This is the writing journey, the writer’s life, the artist’s struggle.

Beyond the writing and the new career, I’m also inching closer to the end of this semester. I know what my final paper topic is going to be for my Victorian Literature class, and I know what I want to write my final paper on for my Cyberpunk class. So those are two big things I have pinned down. One prospectus has been written, and the other will be written and turned in next week. And I am very much looking forward to summer break! My goal is to take as much of the break off as I can, which will mean a lot of saving and cutting down on spending, but my hope is that I can spend the summer getting as much written in my sequel as possible.

If I can complete the rough draft and then get through another two or three rounds of revision, I’ll be in a great place going into the next school year. Not only is fall semester my last semester in this second masters program, but it will also be the start of the new school year for my career as a teacher. I imagine it will take me time to adjust back to my work schedule after a whole summer off, and I’ll be writing my master’s thesis, so how much free time I’ll have to focus on my creative writing, I don’t know. But I’d love to have a full three to four drafts done on the sequel before the end of 2023. And, if I can, I’d like to try and use NaNoWriMo to draft the third novel in my series. But we’ll see if that works out.

So much of the writing life is up in the air. I have to be flexible, not only with myself and my schedule, but with the manuscripts themselves, too. They need room to breathe, to grow, to become whatever it is they’re meant to. And hey, I’ve gotten so many firsts under my belt — first second draft of a novel, first third, fourth, and fifth drafts of a novel, first start of a sequel novel — I think it’s good to let myself have some extra breathing room.

Sending love and light to you all.

Taking Stock and Giving Thanks

Today was the first day of my second week in my new career. It was a hard day, not just for me but for the students. The week before a break is always more challenging. But even though some students struggled to process and express their emotions, and even though things were hard, I left the school feeling like I was genuinely making a difference, not just for the students, but for the school staff.

I’m definitely raw today. I was hit by a student and cussed out. It kind of came out of nowhere so I was definitely shocked. But I also know that the student was doing their best in that moment. It helps to keep that in mind, and to choose compassion in as many situations as possible. The other teachers have all been helpful and encouraging, and the principal always comes to make sure everyone is doing well. But I am raw. This job is going to challenge me in ways I’ve never been challenged before.

I’ve been thinking a lot about where I was three, four years ago. I’ve been thinking about the people who’ve dropped out of my life along the way. Some of them, I walked away from. Some of them walked away from me. I’ve been thinking about them, where they are, how they’re doing. I hope they’re well. I hope that those who need it are seeking therapy and medication. I know my life is practically completely different having been on meds. I’ve wondered lately if things would have gone the way they did if everyone involved, including me, had 1) been on the necessary medications and 2) been actively in therapy.

I was in therapy but I wasn’t on medication, so I know that my choices would have been different in many of the circumstances. But when connections fall apart, it takes more than one person to mend them. And not everyone is a mender. A lot of people are leavers. Others are users. Others still are destroyers and you can’t know which they are until the circumstances reveal it. But even as I remember a lot of the pain, I look where I am now and I just give thanks. It’s not that pain brought me here, it’s that the pain revealed a resilience I didn’t know I possessed, and that is what has kept me going.

It helped me write my first poetry book. It helped me develop a healthy relationship with a partner I respect and love dearly. It has helped me start and revise what will be my debut novel. It helped me put myself first while also acknowledging my toxic traits and working to better myself. And it gave me the courage to leave a job that didn’t fulfill me for a job that shows me every day how much my presence matters. So regardless of the pain a lot of these people put me through, and despite the anger I still feel over it sometimes, I do genuinely want them to do well. Like I told the students today, kindness is a choice, not a feeling.

Be kind today.

Unexpected Tidings

This month in 2019, my grandmother – my only remaining living grandparent – died of bone cancer.

She’s been on my mind a lot this month for many different reasons. She always is in March. She was the first great love of my life. So many of my childhood memories are of her. The games we played. The manufactured home she lived in. The school where she taught in Merced, California. How every morning on her way to work she’d eat a banana and toss the peel out into the corn fields; she always said it was “to keep the crows away from the corn.”

She died early in the morning on March 4th, 2019. It was the event that changed the entire course of my life. By July 10th, 2019, I had left my abusive husband and began the MFA program that allowed me to rebuild my life and process just how abusive my marriage had been. My grandmother never liked my ex. I don’t think she would have liked any man I chose to be with, but I like to think she saw something in my ex that I didn’t. She would be proud of me if she could see me today. And fuck, I wish I could have talked to her during my divorce.

This week, I started a new career. I had been working at an engineering firm, but I wasn’t happy there. I liked the work, I liked my coworkers, but management was terrible and only getting worse. So I left to finally pursue my lifelong dream of being a teacher. I’ve wanted to teach since I was in the fifth grade, and my grandmother – who was, herself, a teacher for thirty years – always supported this goal. She was the first person who told me I would make an excellent teacher.

Monday was the start of this new career. I felt her with me all day, as though guiding me through my first substitute teaching assignment. It was a fabulous experience. One of the shyest kids gave me a hug at the end of the day and thanked me for being such a kind teacher. I cried on my way home because sometimes the thing we want to do isn’t something that comes naturally. Sometimes it’s an enormous struggle. But I was confident and calm and collected throughout the day. And to have that validation really hit me hard.

And, as of today, I was offered a permanent position to teach for a special education class on Mondays and Fridays for an elementary school. The director said she felt pretty much instantly that I was a perfect fit. I was and still am elated because my grandmother specifically taught special education. I feel like she’s not only been watching over me, but that she’s guiding me, fueling me, urging me forward. Today I found the school where I genuinely hope I get to work full time some day. And I feel I have my grandmother to thank for it.

Embrace the unexpected today.

Movement

Steps forward, no matter how small, still move us forward.

February has been a month of transformation. I’m still getting myself closer to being a substitute teacher. I have a few more things I have to complete before I can actually get into the classroom, but even these small things get me closer. Last week I was at Rockaway Beach from Tuesday through Saturday. My friend and I were only supposed to be there until Thursday, but Wednesday night winter decided to dump a good six inches of snow on the coast, and we were snowed in. While we were there, I completed the training required to complete my sponsorship for my license. It was intense, but also incredibly exciting to complete.

I’m in my second to last semester of my second masters degree, and it is going well. I am definitely very burnt out on school work (thankfully I won’t have any classes over the summer), but I’m also excited to get into my thesis course in the fall. And then, of course, I’m extremely excited to just be done. A friend told me that I could quit, I don’t have to finish the degree, but I know myself. It would haunt me if I didn’t. So, it’s time to solider on, buckle down, and get it done.

I started the rough draft of the sequel to my debut novel. It’s slow going, but even slow movement is still movement. I’ve seen a lot of the people I went to college with fall out of their writing practice, and while it’s definitely a worry of mine that the same thing will happen to me, I think it’s also a poignant lesson. Writers don’t always “have the time” for writing, but like anything that we value, we have to make the time. Sometimes that means making a sacrifice. Sometimes it means giving up recreation time or socializing. Sometimes the thing we have to sacrifice is writing, especially when our mental health is struggling. And sometimes we just need to push ourselves.

I’m in a writing group on Facebook and last week a member posted about the struggles of editing. She was frustrated because she had been editing her manuscript for months, and it wasn’t improving. She assumed that she was missing something that would speed up the editing process; she said that it “wasn’t normal” to spend months editing a manuscript. I think this is where a lot of writers struggle. Sometimes we get this idea of what the writing process is, and then when the actual experience of writing doesn’t match what we think it will be, we assume we’re doing something wrong. In reality, it is extremely common for writers to take months and even years working on a single manuscript.

It’s hard to accept this when we see other writers rapidly releasing their work. I’ve seen some writers actually write, revise, edit, and publish a manuscript every month, and while this is very ambitious, I think it’s unsustainable for most writers. Most of us have full time jobs. Some of us are also full time students. Some of us have families. Unless we’re comfortable releasing books of lower quality writing, the vast majority of us simply can’t release multiple books each year. And forcing ourselves into that standard can be detrimental to our creativity.

Flexibility is, in my opinion, one of the most useful traits a writer can have. Each manuscript is different. Sometimes they rush through us like lightning, and other times they move through us like molasses. Neither one is right or wrong or better than the other. Neither one makes a writer more or less a writer. The important thing is that we remain as consistent as we can, and give whatever we have to our writing as often as possible. I also think it’s important to stop comparing ourselves to other writers. Trying to compete with people who have completely different lives than us does nothing but set ourselves up for failure.

So take this as a word of encouragement. You got this. Be flexible. And commit to your work.

Sequels and Other Things

Last week I was horribly sick. I had an upper respiratory infection that lasted for a week. But I am much better now, which is good because so many things are happening!

I’m currently continuing to take steps towards becoming a full-time substitute teacher. Today we had a registration presentation that laid out the process of getting our restricted substitute teaching license, what that means, and how the company works. It was an informative and inspiring presentation. I could, in only a year or two, be a fully licensed, full-time, permanent teacher in one of our local school districts, and that excites me more than I possibly say. I’ve wanted to be a teacher since I was in elementary school, and now it’s going to happen!

It’s been really nice, having all this time off of work. Not only am I able to rest and purge the stress and anger I have over the last job I worked, but I’m able to write and read and get my schoolwork done. It’s a little uncanny since last year around this time, I had time off while I switched jobs. But this time will be different since this is a full career change, not just a change in my place of employment.

For school we’ve read The Mill on the Floss by George Eliot which, while it was beautifully written book, was not one that left a good impression. (I’m sure I’ll write a book review on it eventually.) And now we’re reading Hard Times by Charles Dickens. And in my other class, we’re reading a post-apocalyptic novel called Snow Crash which I am not enjoying, but we can’t enjoy every book assigned for us in school.

On a more exciting note, now that I’m no longer sick, I’ve been able to actually start drafting the sequel to my debut novel! The fifth draft of my debut novel, A Kiss of Glass, is currently in my last round of feedback from my beta readers. Once they send me their feedback, I’ll be digging into it and getting it as polished as I can. Then, it will be time for the interior design, then the printed proof copies to make sure everything looks good, then sending out ARCs (Advanced Reader Copies), and then opening up pre-orders for the book! Publishing Day will be June 30th, 2023, and I cannot believe we’re only a little over four months out from that!

I’ll be drafting the sequel through the end of March, which is when I hope to get my feedback from my beta readers. Then, once A Kiss of Glass is published, I’ll start revising and expanding the sequel. I already have a full 2,152 words written in the rough draft! Not only have I never, ever, completed so many drafts on a novel before, I also haven’t, ever, started drafting a sequel. So here I am, busting down barriers and setting personal writing records! The next record will be when I complete the rough draft of the sequel, so keep coming back and checking for announcements regarding that step.

I’m also extremely excited about getting into teaching because it means that I will have summers off! I’m hoping I can make it so that I don’t have to work through the summer, but even if I do need to pick up a part time seasonal position somewhere, it’ll be easy enough to do. Regardless, it will be incredible to have extra time to read, to write, to camp, to spend time at the coast, even to travel, depending on the financial situation. I can actually see a really bright, really fulfilling future ahead of me. One filled with literature and writing and teaching, which is, literally, all I’ve ever wanted for myself.

I didn’t anticipate that the new year would start out this way, but I think it will be a really amazing move for myself.

Career Changes

For the first time in my life, I’m making a career change.

As much as I loved the work at my former job, it was time for me to leave. I worked hard. I learned a lot since I started as an electrical designer. But my desire to teach and use my education was simply overpowering. There’s something to be said for following your passions. My partner said that I underestimate the importance of personal fulfillment in my career, and he’s right. I really only went into electrical design because my job as an Assistant Project Manager didn’t work out. I told myself I would give it a year and if I wasn’t happy, I’d find something else.

I was happy for the first few months, but things changed. I became unhappy very quickly (and for many different reasons). After the start of the new year, it became clear that I needed to find something new.

And I did.

I’m currently in the process of becoming a certified and licensed substitute teacher. Teaching is where my passion has always been, it’s what I was hoping to do after I graduated with my M.F.A., and it’s what I’ve decided I definitely want to do with my life. And now, I will. I’m incredibly excited.

My grandmother was a teacher for thirty years. She was passionate about education and learning. She was the first person who inspired me to be a writer, and she was the first person who inspired me to be a teacher. I know that she’s looking down on me, smiling, and cheering me on. We didn’t get along all the time, but she loved me. She didn’t always show it in the best ways, but she did love me. And she was my first love.

I know that when I’m in the classroom, I will feel close to her again. I miss her so much. She’s been on my mind a lot for weeks now, and especially since I put in my two week’s notice yesterday. I’ve known since I was in the fifth grade that I wanted to be a teacher. So many people have told me that I would make an excellent teacher, and I’m just so excited to step into that role. I carry my grandmother’s teacher’s ID card in my wallet to remind me that I’m not alone.

Last year, I published my debut collection of poetry, fulfilling a dream that my grandmother supported from the first.

This year, I’m going to be a teacher, fulfilling the other dream that my grandmother supported.

This year, I’m also releasing my debut novel.

I know that my nana is thrilled for me. I’m thrilled for me. It’s going to be a great year.

Steps Forward, Backward, and the Pauses In Between

Spring semester has begun!
I have only 7 chapters left to edit for the 5th draft of my debut novel!
We’re almost in February!
I’m on track for my Goodreads reading goal for the year!
And I’m actually consistently cooking from home!

It’s been a while since I’ve written. I hope you’re all doing well. It’s been a bit of a busy first month of 2023, which is why I’ve been somewhat absent from this blog. I’m sure I’ll dive into the details at some point, but suffice to say, I am really bad at allowing myself room to breathe and space to rest. If I’m not overwhelmingly busy, then I feel like I’m not doing enough. (To be clear, this is not a healthy way to live and I am currently taking steps to reduce the amount I keep taking on.) Luckily, I won’t be in school over the summer, so that will give me at least a couple of months to relax.

I’m still on track to complete the 5th draft of my novel by the end of this month. Then, I’ll be sending it off to my beta readers for the last round of feedback. February will be when I start drafting the sequel, and then hopefully by March, I can start the 6th (and hopefully final!) draft of this manuscript. I keep struggling to understand what it means to decide a novel is “ready to be published,” and so far I have no answers. I’m going to have to just make the choice to publish it, despite how terrified I am to do so. But, it is also only my first novel. I’m sure the process will make more sense the more I do it.

School is going well. This is only the second week of the semester, so very little has happened yet. I’m in a Victorian Literature course and a Cyberpunk Literature course. I’m loving both so far, despite the enormous differences between them. Plus, in the Cyberpunk class we’re watching Blade Runner and Blade Runner: 2049, which is going to be fun. 2049 is one of my all-time favorite sci-fi films.

In bigger news, I might soon be looking for a career change. Teaching has been calling to me since I graduated with my MFA, and while I don’t intend on being an adjunct, I am considering getting my teaching license and becoming a full time high-school English teacher. Might take a bit for me to get there, but it’s been on my mind. As much as I love the work I currently do, I need something that will fulfill me long term. Summers off won’t be so bad, either.

It’s interesting how we move through our lives, the ways in which we continue to grow, the ways we fall stagnant, and the ways we have to deconstruct and unlearn and unravel to get ourselves moving again. I’m still moving, still learning, still growing, and at times, I go stagnant because I need to take that time and reflect. The need to always be moving is one I need to deconstruct. It’s a coping mechanism, a trauma response, and one that I don’t want to keep carrying.

Anyway, that’s my quick update! Please keep coming back here and be on the lookout for when pre-orders open for my novel! Also, if you haven’t purchased my debut book of poetry, click the Books For Sale tab up at the top!

Book Review – His Majesty’s Dragon

I bought this book because it has dragons in it and I am obsessed with dragons.

I’m not particularly fond if the Napoleonic time period, which the era this book takes place in, but I was willing to give it a chance because, ya know, dragons. There’s not much I wouldn’t push through if it meant having dragons in my life, even if only on the page.

The ways that this book surprised me, soothed me, excited me, and moved me, are precisely what make it such an incredible read.

Firstly, the writing is absolutely superb. The descriptions are vivid and the insertion of dragons into this alternate history is seamless. There’s a beauty in the writing that feels old, and yet carries with it a sense of the modern.

Secondly, the world building is absolutely consuming. As the reader, you feel as though you are a Captain, just like Lawrence, the main character who, by mere chance, is chosen to be a dragon rider. When he realizes he’s coming to genuinely care about his dragon, Temeraire, you also care.

Thirdly, the characters are fantastic. There are multiple dragons of different types and genders and they have their own distinct personalities. Their riders are just as diverse and interesting. Some you like. Others you don’t, especially when you see the difference in how they treat their dragons. These characters build a lot of the tension in a book that is somewhat slowpaced.

But I think what makes this book work so well written is the connection between Lawrence and Temeraire.

Yes, there are moments when the reader feels as though they are Lawrence, but mostly it’s scene after beautiful scene of these two unlikely companions creating an unexpected and deeply intimate connection. By the end of the novel, they are more than comrades, more than allies, more than friends. There’s an element of love, devotion, protection that binds the two of them together and encapsulates them in such a way that pulls at the reader’s emotions.

“I’m never going to let anyone take you from me,” Temeraire says.
“Nor will I, my dear,” Lawrence replies.

This book has so many amazing moments. There’s action, intrigue, adventure, excitement, love, hints of romance, and so many other things that made it an absolute blast to read. I highly recommend it, especially as it’s the first in an entire series. Because, let’s be honest, we all want our own dragons. And in this way, through these books, we can live vicariously.

4/5 stars.