Taking Stock and Giving Thanks

Today was the first day of my second week in my new career. It was a hard day, not just for me but for the students. The week before a break is always more challenging. But even though some students struggled to process and express their emotions, and even though things were hard, I left the school feeling like I was genuinely making a difference, not just for the students, but for the school staff.

I’m definitely raw today. I was hit by a student and cussed out. It kind of came out of nowhere so I was definitely shocked. But I also know that the student was doing their best in that moment. It helps to keep that in mind, and to choose compassion in as many situations as possible. The other teachers have all been helpful and encouraging, and the principal always comes to make sure everyone is doing well. But I am raw. This job is going to challenge me in ways I’ve never been challenged before.

I’ve been thinking a lot about where I was three, four years ago. I’ve been thinking about the people who’ve dropped out of my life along the way. Some of them, I walked away from. Some of them walked away from me. I’ve been thinking about them, where they are, how they’re doing. I hope they’re well. I hope that those who need it are seeking therapy and medication. I know my life is practically completely different having been on meds. I’ve wondered lately if things would have gone the way they did if everyone involved, including me, had 1) been on the necessary medications and 2) been actively in therapy.

I was in therapy but I wasn’t on medication, so I know that my choices would have been different in many of the circumstances. But when connections fall apart, it takes more than one person to mend them. And not everyone is a mender. A lot of people are leavers. Others are users. Others still are destroyers and you can’t know which they are until the circumstances reveal it. But even as I remember a lot of the pain, I look where I am now and I just give thanks. It’s not that pain brought me here, it’s that the pain revealed a resilience I didn’t know I possessed, and that is what has kept me going.

It helped me write my first poetry book. It helped me develop a healthy relationship with a partner I respect and love dearly. It has helped me start and revise what will be my debut novel. It helped me put myself first while also acknowledging my toxic traits and working to better myself. And it gave me the courage to leave a job that didn’t fulfill me for a job that shows me every day how much my presence matters. So regardless of the pain a lot of these people put me through, and despite the anger I still feel over it sometimes, I do genuinely want them to do well. Like I told the students today, kindness is a choice, not a feeling.

Be kind today.