Janel Brubaker's Blog, page 12

ComicCons & Other Nerdy Things

August and September hold two comic conventions: Emerald City Comic Con and Rose City Comic Con. I’m going to both. Not only do I absolutely love being surrounded by other nerds, but I love seeing the cosplayers, the artists, the small business owners, the tattoo artists, etc. And, of course, the guests and the panels. Those are my absolute favorites.

Am I meeting anyone this year? Oh, yes, dear reader. Yes I am.

I was going to meet David Tenant at Emerald City Comic Con, but he had to cancel. And as much as a love David Tenant, he was not the guest I was most excited to meet. Because one of my all-time favorite actors who plays one of my all-time favorite characters of any fandom ever is going to be there! I met him once before in a virtual setting, but this is in-person. I loved his character on the show so much, I actually created my own character based off of him.

The show: The Magicians.
The character: Elliot Waugh
The actor: Hale Appleman.

Yes, indeed. I’m getting a photo-op and an autograph of one of my all-time favorite people in the world. He’s an iconic queer actor with so much heart, so much talent, and a tremendous amount of compassion and love for his fans. I’m going to write him a personal letter to let him know just how much his portrayal of Elliot means to me, especially as a queer woman who recently came out to family (and that experience did not go well). Because even though the Elliot of the show isn’t exactly like the Elliot of the books, Hale Appleman tapped into something truly magical when he was playing Elliot. He saw deeper into the character’s personality, his sense of humor, his emotions, his trauma, and he brought those things to life. And while I am not happy with a lot of things the showrunners chose for the show, I will always adore Hale for his performance.

So that’s who I’m meeting at Emerald City Comic Con. And I swear to Gaia, I am going to be an enormous, blubbering, emotional mess. I’ll be cosplaying as Eddie Munson from Stranger Things Season 4, which I’m excited about too.

So what about Rose City Comic Con? I’m glad you asked. This one is going to be just as iconic and I am honestly not sure how I’m going to get through it. And I mean that in the best way. Because I’m getting photo-ops with two celebs at this convention. And oh my god, the sheer excitement I have to meet these two people.

Let’s look at the first one, the one I’ve watched in one of my top two favorite fandoms since I was a kid.

The fandom: Star Wars
The character: Lando Calrisean
The actor: Billy Dee Williams

I’m meeting one of the original cast members of the original Star Wars trilogy! I am so excited, I can’t even explain it. And while my personal connection to Billy Dee Williams is primarily wrapped up in the nostalgia of being a kid and watching the original trilogy, Star Wars itself is incredibly important to me personally. It’s one of my top two favorite fandoms, and depending on what I’m watching, will absolutely make it into the number one slot. So the chance to meet and get a photo with the actor who brought Lando to life was one I could not pass up.

But who is the second one? Well, he’s from my other top two favorite fandoms. This fandom and Star Wars switch back and forth depending on what day it is.

The fandom: Lord of the Rings
The character: Samwise Gamgee
The actor: Sean Astin

Sean was also Bob on season two of Stranger Things, and that’s probably my third favorite fandom. And I know Sean Astin is famous for other roles too, but Lord of the Rings was my first introduction to him, and while I love all of the actors who play all of the hobbits, I think Sam is my favorite. He is so loyal, so good, so true to Frodo, and I cannot imagine anyone else playing him. Lord of the Rings was the trilogy that got me into fantasy. It was also what started my friendship with my best friend in the entire world, and it remains one of the things we continue to obsess over because the movies are simply stunning. (I’m also excited because my partner is taking me to see the extended editions in theaters tomorrow, and I’m so fucking excited.)

Now, if either of these conventions announce anyone else from either of these two fandoms (or Stranger Things), I will lose my mind. Lose my mind. Lose. My. Ever. Loving. Mind. But so far, these are the people I’ve bought tickets to meet. I’m so excited.

Preorders Are Live!

Hello everyone!

Take a look at what just dropped! The preorders for my debut poetry collection, Even the Air, Too Heavy, is officially available for preorder!

Click here to find the list of 2022 books available for preorder from First Matter Press! And please share and purchase a copy. Preorders are extremely important for indie writers. 100% of royalties go to the writers, too, so you’d be supporting not only the local press publishing my work, but also me as a writer.

This is such a huge milestone and I could not be more excited! I have so many other writing projects I’m either already working on, or am in the process of planning, that it’s somewhat overwhelming. But I’m motivated and excited and determined. This is the dream I’ve had since I was in the 3rd grade, and it is coming true before my very eyes.

Thank you all for following along. Keep following for more releases and other cool things!

My Eddie Munson Playlist

We’re obsessed, ya’ll. I’ve made my own playlist of songs for Eddie Munson. They’re chosen because 1) I think he would have liked them, 2) they remind me of him, or 3) they comfort me in my grief over him. They aren’t all metal, either.

The bands I picked: Evanescence, Halestorm, Breaking Benjamin, Blink 182, Angels & Airwaves, Paramore, Rob Zombie, Sick Puppies, and Slipknot. I know there are other awesome bands, many of them more era appropriate, but these are the ones I feel would actually make him excited if he were alive today. I think it would make him unbelievably excited to see how mainstream metal has become, to hear just how talented bands have become. I also think that he would live for Evanescence since they give off the metal/ethereal vibe that just screams “Eddie Munson” to me.

So let’s dig in to some of these. In no particular order:

Dance With the Devil by Breaking Benjamin

“Here I stand / Helpless and left for dead” are the opening lines to this song. So right off the bat, I’m reminded of Eddie and his journey. The title also reminds me of him and his story, since so many of the people in Hawkins were so quick to villainize a teenager simply because he liked to listen to Metallica. But the title also points to the Vecna storyline, which is the only reason Eddie finds himself in the trouble he’s in. And while this isn’t Breaking Benjamin’s heaviest song in terms of “metal” or “hard hitting,” it is one I can see Eddie jamming out to in his van, banging his head, slamming his hands down on the steering wheel.
Use My Voice by Evanescene

This. Song. Is. Everything. It’s a power ballad if there ever fucking was one. And while Eddie doesn’t strike me as the power ballad type, I think this song would hit him right in all the feelings. The chorus is essentially a declaration of autonomy, of independence, a rejection of what everyone around is saying/forcing on the speaker.

“Whether you like it or not / you’re gonna take what I got / If we can’t talk about it / we’ll just keep drowning in it / Give me credit it or not / I give a lot, give a lot / But don’t you speak for me / No don’t you speak for me.”

How many people in Hawkins were perfectly comfortable condemning a teenager? Making accusations they had no proof for? Not caring about evidence or, hell, the goddamned truth? So I see this song as one Eddie would turn to for comfort, for courage.
Bring Me to Life by Evanescence

This should be obvious. Bring. Eddie. Munson. Back. You motherfuckers.
Snuff by Slipknot

This is Eddie’s theme song. It’s the song he plays when he’s in the darkest parts of his own mind, deep underneath the waves of his own struggles. The song points to a breakup, something seemingly toxic, and I think the lyrics are what Eddie thinks he has to be as a metalhead, when deep down he wants love, acceptance, belonging.

“I still press your letters to my lips / cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss / I couldn’t face a life without your light / but all of that was ripped apart / when you refused to fight.”

The drums in this song are killer. They hit hard, emphasizing so many incredible parts of the song. And even though there is an anger and a desperation in this song, there’s something tender and honest underneath it, too. I feel like this song is Eddie in music form.
Dragula by Rob Zombie

I mean, c’mon. This is an obvious one. Staple of metal. Heavy guitar. Booming drums. And stellar vocals/screaming. Eddie would eat this shit up.
Spiritbox

The entire band. Every album. Woman fronted metal screaming band. I can’t pick one song because so many of them are outright incredible. Honestly, one of the best bands I’ve ever heard.
Give Me a Sign by Breaking Benjamin

Another power ballad. I feel like, if Eddie had a “love song,” this would be it. It’s so raw and open and honest. I also feel like this could be Eddie’s theme song, like his theme throughout season four of Stranger Things. The lyrics reveal this internal struggle with external circumstances. I think this song could also be what Dustin sees when he’s fighting so hard to clear Eddie’s name, as well as what he feels when he loses Eddie in the end.
Breathe No More by Evanescence

This is the song that Eddie hears Chrissy singing when she’s alone in the music hall. She’s playing piano. And he stands and listen in the doorway, completely taken aback by the fact that she’s a musician, and that she sounds so fucking incredible. The style isn’t really his kind of music, but he is absolutely entranced. The lyrics. The power of her voice. The fact that she’s on the verge of tears. (Okay, I’m getting close to fanfic territory now, but you get the idea.)
Black Rain by blink 182

Okay, this is what I feel when I think of Eddie. The lyrics are basically my daily journey to try and find a way for Eddie to be alive, to resurrect him in every way I can so that I don’t have to accept his death quite yet. It’s one of the heavier blink-182 songs. It’s a fucking phenomenal song.
Far From Heaven by Evanescence

I told ya’ll, this band is Eddie’s secret love. This song is Eddie’s soul crying out for justice, for freedom, for the truth. It’s basically…just…everything. I sing it and I think of him. I sing it and I imagine him playing guitar, alive and relieved that, even though he was put through so much shit, through it he’s found his people.

There are other songs on my playlist, but these are the primary ten that I see Eddie in. I recommend you download them and give them a listen.

I’m Just an Eddie Munson Lover Now

It has finally happened: I have found a character that has become my entire obsession, my everything at every moment of every day. I’ve had “obsessions” with characters before, but never to this extent. Those usually lasted maybe a week, were never this intense, and eventually started to fade until the obsession itself was a fond memory. I know not everyone understands what it’s like to obsess over a character, and that’s fine. I happen to be someone who has always hyper fixated on things: books, movies, characters, songs, shows. Songs have been the primary thing I fixate on, but the others have been scattered around at intervals, too.

Cause here’s the thing: I’m autistic, I have A.D.H.D., and I have trauma throughout my life, and all of these things point to the need to escape and find some kind of solace in the things I most love to enjoy. This usually means that I watch the same shows and read the same books over and over, because they’re the “easiest” forms of fixation that don’t completely consume my entire existence. I’ve binged The Office, Brooklyn 99, Parks and Recreation, Game of Thrones, The Magicians, Bob’s Burgers, and the Harley Quinn animated series more times than I can count. These are shows that help me feel safe and grounded, even when my life is filled with turmoil.

Stranger Things is a show I have loved since the first season was released, but I’ve never obsessed about it before. In fact, aside from the two times I watched the first season, I don’t think I’ve actually rewatched any other season of the show. I know I didn’t watch season three more than once. The show is heavy and it handles so many emotional, mental, and physical issues that make it painful to revisit. And I remember vividly how angry I was at the end of season three when I thought for sure that Hopper had died. Hopper has been my favorite Stranger Things character since the first season.

And then they release season four, and all I can think about it is how they’re going to reveal that Hopper is alive, and within mere minutes of the first episode, I completely forget that Hopper exists. There is only Eddie Munson now. And with every single line, every smile, every touching, emotional moment that his character is on screen, I fall more and more in love, to the point that I’m actually kind of annoying myself, but I can’t help it.

Only this obsession hasn’t yielded. It hasn’t faded. It has only gotten stronger.

And I’ve spent weeks trying to figure out why. Why him? Like, yes, he is an adorable ray of sunshine with the most beautiful eyes and the sweetest smile and he’s full of so much love, and all of those things make him endearing. Yeah, I love him for those reasons. But they’re not why I’m obsessed, why I’m now going to cosplay him at Emerald City Comin Con and Rose City Comic Con, why I bought a new phone case with him on it and made his photo my home screen on my phone. And yes, the character is brilliantly written and even more brilliantly acted, and these are also reasons he stole the show away from pretty much everyone else, and did so with only twenty minutes of screen time. But that’s also not why I’m obsessed.

Over the weekend, I realized why I cannot stop fixating on this character: he. is. me.

I was him. I have been him my whole life. I got absolutely horrible grades in school before I went to college. An enormous amount of my adulthood insecurities stem from the childhood trauma I endured in the public school system. I had extreme test anxiety, but they didn’t really understand what that was back then, and I pretty much failed every single test I took. I was dropped to remedial math every single year. I was seen as, and treated, as though I was unintelligent. I was called a slew of names.

Which leads to the fact that I was heavily bullied. It was relentless. I was in second grade when my dad started teaching me how to defend myself because I felt genuinely unsafe at school. And even when my parents decided to home school me when I got to junior high and high school, I continued to endure enormous amounts of bullying from my youth group at church. And not just from the students, although they were relentless too, but from the actual youth leaders and the even the youth pastor at times. They might have called it “pranking,” but when the prank involves enormous humiliation and it happens over and over and over and over, it’s become bullying.

I was a weird teenager. And in ways that the other teens didn’t seem to be. I did not fit in, no matter how hard I tried to. I remember explicitly when I first discovered “christian” rock: it was the first time I really felt as though a part of me was being discovered. I wasn’t allowed to listen to secular music, so I really dove headfirst into the christian rock scene: Kutless, Skillet, TFK, Pillar, Superchick, basically every christian rock band there was. And I adored these bands. I listened to them all the time, and the older I got, the more I wanted to be like them. I started learning to play the guitar. I started singing solos at church and I was on the choir. I wanted to start my own band.

But church leaders were uncomfortable with the physical appearance of these bands. They had tattoos and piercings and they wore lots of black and chains and they had wild hair and basically looked like secular rock bands. So church leaders didn’t approve of trying to emulate these bands in looks or music. I could listen to the songs because they glorified god, but I could not actually embrace the identity of a christian metal head, which is exactly what I was.

So I walked away from my dream of being the lead singer and guitar player of my own rock band. I watched for years as more women-fronted christian rock bands emerged, and I was heartbroken. As an adult, I decided I didn’t really like the christian rock bands any longer (and they really aren’t that good, if I’m being honest), and so I started listening to more secular punk rock bands. And while there were a couple I enjoyed, I primarily continued to be enthralled with metal bands. Evanescence, Halestorm, Skillet (they’re actually an okay christian rock band with some good music), among others.

It was in these years that I allowed myself to embrace the metalhead I had always been, but strove to hide. And the older I get, the more I see how much of a metalhead I really am. Rock has always been my music. It’s not that I can’t or don’t enjoy other kinds of music, but rather that this is the genre that really feeds my soul. But even so, I have never “dressed” like a metalhead. I’ve always thought I was too “girly” for it.

Then, June 2022 comes around, season four of Stranger Things releases on Netflix, and Eddie The Freak Munson walks into my life. And he, a total metalhead who is in a band and plays guitar and is a dungeon master of the Hellfire Club, is the biggest ball of love and sugar ever. He’s sweet and caring and weird, yeah, but also authentically himself. He’s a drug dealer, but actually cares about the people around him.

When he meets Chrissy Cunningham in the woods to sell her weed, he sees immediately that she’s freaked out. He doesn’t know why, obviously, but he can tell she’s struggling with something. She must be, if she’s meeting Eddie Munson in the woods to buy drugs. And what does he do? He. Makes. Her. Laugh. He smiles and jokes and recalls a memory of them back in junior high to try and help her forget about whatever is bothering her, and it fucking works. He’s so sweet and kind and funny, Chrissy can’t help but say, “You’re not what I thought you’d be.” And when he says, “What? All mean and scary?” she nods, and you can see that she’s actually comfortable with him. She feels safe.

And he says that he thought she would be mean and scary too, and she smiles and says, “Me?” all sweet, like she couldn’t possibly imagine anyone seeing her as scary, and in true Eddie fashion, he flashes a grin and says, “Oh, terrifying.” And while we know what he means – she is dating Jason Carver, the asshole jock and captain of the basketball team – it’s also clear that he just wants her to keep laughing, to keep smiling. He knows this is probably the only interaction they’ll have for the rest of his time at Hawkins High, but what he wants is to make a positive difference for her.

Eddie is bullied relentlessly in high school. He’s an outcast. A pariah. An unwanted. He’s Othered, and to such an extent that no one bats an eyes when Chrissy’s body is found in his trailer. And sure, the “satanic panic” has a bit to do with that, but mostly it’s that Eddie is different. He doesn’t fit in, and that sets him apart. It’s not much of a leap to go from “freak” to “murderer,” especially not in the rural town of Hawkins, Indiana.

Not only is Eddie bullied. Not only is he wanted for Chrissy’s murder. He’s a traumatized teenager – probably 18 to 19, considering how many times he’s been held back from graduating – who watched as Chrissy was brutally murdered, and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. He can’t even seek help for what he witnessed because he knows no one will believe him, and going to the cops with his story would certainly lead to his arrest, on top of the fact that he’s the edgy drug dealer.

My point, though, is that for all the judgment people throw at him based on his looks, his music tastes, his family (we know his father was a criminal, though to what extent remains unknown), he isn’t at all the monster they make him out to be. He’s full of love. And even after everything the other high schoolers put him through, he stays a kind, caring, sweet nerd who bases all of his choices on love. SPOILERS AHEAD, if you haven’t finished season four.

And he does base all of his choices on love. He says that he only dives into Lover’s Lake after Robin because he didn’t want to be the only one who stayed behind, and I think some of that is true. But he also dives into the lake because Steve, Robin, and Nancy believe his story, they accept him into their group without a second thought, and they’re fighting to clear his name. No one has done that for him before. No one has given two shits about him in his life. It starts with Dustin, but it eventually extends to the rest of the gang, all of whom give Eddie more belonging in the span of a few days than he has ever had in his life.

So of course, love is what drives him. That heart-to-heart he has with Steve about Nancy? Steve, another jock who probably also bullied Eddie from time to time? Why would Eddie give two shits about what happens with Steve Harrington and Nancy Wheeler? Why would he ever try and help Steve in his love life? Again, because as much as he claims to be cynical, Eddie is an enormous romantic and he is full. of. love. Eddie literally just risked his life to save Steve’s, so if anyone owes someone a piece of romance advice, it would be Steve owing Eddie.

Eddie says to Chrissy in the woods, “Flattery works on me.” I think community does, too. Eddie doesn’t have to like Steve to appreciate everything the group is doing for him, and Steve is the head of that group. Though, I think Eddie does like Steve. It might start out as respect/gratitude, but I think it grows into admiration as the show evolves. Eddie is also heavily queer coded, and I think he’s bisexual, so I think there’s a part of him that also has a crush on Steve. But that’s just me.

Eddie’s strongest relationship is obviously with Dustin. Neither of them have fathers around. And Dustin loves Eddie. Sure, Dustin also “worships” Steve, like Eddie says to Steve in the Upside Down, but Eddie is just as important to Dustin. Maybe even more important. Cause Eddie is like the brother Dustin never had, and for the first time in Eddie’s life, he knows what it’s like to be genuinely loved and adored for who he is. I think that’s why Eddie makes the choice he does at the end of the series. It’s his love for Dustin, and for the rest of the group that literally fought and risked their lives to clear his name, that Eddie sacrifices himself.

Also, the Duffer Brothers better bring Eddie back, I swear to god.

Anyway, getting back to my point: being metal doesn’t mean we have to be heartless, violent monsters. Eddie is metal, but a big ol’ softy. Jason Carver, the “christian” jock, is enormously violent, but he’s seen as “normal.” Billy Hargrove, another jock, is a racist, abusive piece of absolute trash, and yet people in the town grieve his death. Even Max, who he abused horrifically, grieves his death. He was a violent, narcissistic psychopath, but because he was seen as “normal,” no one cared about his violence.

Compassion, empathy, love…these things don’t disqualify someone from being a metalhead or a badass. Eddie proves that. And because I see so much of own struggles in him, I cannot stop fixating on his character. I’ve been slowly watching season four again, carefully studying him and he is, without a doubt, the best character of any show I’ve ever watched. Love. Is. Metal. Eddie. Is. Metal.

Eddie. Is. Love.

Thoughts on Stranger Things Season 4

If you have not finished season four of Stranger Things, do not continue reading. This is your spoiler alert.

I am someone who frequently becomes obsessed with shows and characters, usually based on the emotional impact of the story, the development of the characters, the dialogue, etc. When Rise of Skywalker came out, I saw the movie four times in theaters, even though I hated the ending and the story, because I wanted to absorb everything I could of Ben Solo.

In terms of characters I’ve been obsessed with as an adult, there aren’t very many. I can think of four, three of whom were actual obsessions that kept me awake and haunted my dreams and consumed my entire being.

Tyrion Lannister from Game of Thrones.Frank Castle from The Netflix Original Series, The PunisherElliot Waugh from The MagiciansBen Solo

These are characters I have actively loved, would have done anything for, and clung to tightly as their series’ developed. But it wasn’t until this year, this summer, right up to now, that another character was added to this list. In fact, he makes every other character on this list fade into obscurity. And I know ya’ll know who I am talking about because he’s pretty make taken over the entire internet.

Eddie “The Banished” Munson from season four of Stranger Things.

I have loved many characters from many series. I have not loved any character the way I love Eddie. I’m sure I’ll go into detail at a time when I can actually sort my thoughts into anything that makes sense, but suffice to say that right now, I stan Eddie Munson SO HARD.

The actor, Joseph Quinn, is also a big cinnamon roll of a person who is basically just love itself.

Eddie Munson has twenty minutes of screen time in the entire season, and he has captured so many hearts. He stole the show. He made me care more about Eddie than I did about Hopper, and I was wrecked at the end of season three when I thought Hopper had died. WRECKED. And in one goddamn episode, Joe Quinn made me care more about Eddie Munson than I did about anyone else in the entire show up to that point, including Hopper. So that whenever the show would shift to showing us what was going on with Hopper – my favorite character for three fucking seasons – I would shout at the television to just bring back Eddie.

Joe Quinn genuinely didn’t think anyone would like his character, or him as the character. So the overwhelming reception of love that he has received from fans of the show has, according to him at a convention in London, completely blown him away. He didn’t expect it. And his response has been an overwhelming amount of love shown to his fans.

I’ve been wondering what it is about Eddie that makes me so fucking feral and obsessed and consumed. Cause yeah, he’s adorable with those wide brown eyes and that irresistible smile and his adorable personality. And yeah, I have a major type: the nerdy, edgy, loner outcasts with trauma who have been pushed away by society but are actually just big balls of love deep down (look above at my list of other characters I’ve been obsessed with – they all fall into this category). But I love Eddie even more than I’ve loved those other characters, including Frank Castle, and ya’ll who know me KNOW that I love Frank.

Why is Eddie different? Why is he different for me specifically?

I think part of it is that I am Eddie. I struggled when I was in school. A lot. I was never held back, but I also never went to public junior high or high school. I am, technically, a high school dropout with no diploma and no GED. I was also bullied a LOT in grade school. I had very few friends. I was really different, really weird, and I didn’t know why. I was also bullied in the youth group I went to, so I have vivid memories of what it’s like to be set apart, to be thrust into the role of a freak.

I relate to Eddie. I see a lot of myself in him.

I also have been a metal head since I was in junior high. I’ve been obsessed with alternative music, and even though it was all Christian music when I was a teen, it still defined who I was as a teenager. I didn’t listen to pop or R&B or gospel. I loved the hard and the heavy, the music that made my parents skin crawl because it didn’t sound Christian. And had I been allowed to dress the way I wanted to, I would have dressed like Eddie. At least in ways.

But there’s more here than just an honest representation of who I have always been, even the parts I’ve been too nervous to share with the world.

See, the thing is…Eddie is full of so much love. The first time we see the real him is when he’s in the woods dealing to Chrissy. He’s playful. He’s caring. He sees that she is tormented by something, and his impulse is just to make her laugh. And he does. For a moment, she forgets the shit in her life. And Eddie is just openly and authentically himself, regardless of the fact that he’s talking to the “princess of Hawkins High.” He’s not trying to impress her or be someone he isn’t.

He just makes her laugh. He acknowledges her more in those few moments than her actual boyfriend does at any point in time.

Let’s think about her boyfriend for a moment. The first time we see Jason, he’s giving this absurd speech about how he “won the basketball game for Hawkins and all the lives lost.” And he is clearly full of shit. He didn’t do any of it for Hawkins, for the students, for the school, or for the lives lost. Jason is all performance and no substance. He doesn’t care about Chrissy because if he did, he’d have noticed how depressed she was. She feels more comfortable going to Eddie for help than she does her own boyfriend. And even when she dies and he starts going on this tour of vengeance, it’s not about her, it’s about his own anger, his own image as the primary jock of Hawkins High.

And then, there’s Eddie. When he decides to play his guitar in the Upsidedown to distract the bats long enough to let Steve, Nancy, and Robin get into the house undetected, he dedicates it to Chrissy. Only Dustin is there to see the performance. Everyone else in Hawkins thinks Eddie is possessed by Satan and that he murdered Chrissy in a Satanic sacrifice. But Eddie dedicates the song to her, the first victim that Vecna took, an innocent high school student who just needed to escape the monster hunting her.

Eddie doesn’t even care about himself in that moment. He doesn’t care about the fact that he was the one people blamed for it. He doesn’t care about his own innocence. It runs deeper than that. I don’t necessarily “ship” Eddie and Chrissy, but I do think that Eddie represented what she needed to resist Vecna. Eddie is freedom from peer pressure, from societal expectations. He is comfortable in exactly who he is, and he knows who he is. He doesn’t pretend to be someone else.

Chrissy needed that safety. And if Eddie had had more time with her, I think she might have been able to overcome Vecna. Eddie is love, safety, compassion. His love for Dustin, their friendship, is pure and wholesome. Dustin is essentially Eddie’s chosen family, a brother in name, even if not in blood. Eddie is not just a hero, he’s the unexpected hero, the one who doesn’t see himself as a hero, and yet everything he does shows how heroic, how courageous, how pure of heart he is. (And the Duffer brothers better bring him back because season five will not be the same without him. I will literally sacrifice any other character – except Will – if it means Eddie gets to come back.)

Eddie is all of these things as well as just….fucking dashing as fuck. The hair. *melt*

I have never loved a fictional character this much.

Gotta Love the Big Accomplishments

Last week I completed the second draft of my work in progress, A Kiss of Glass. Then, I gave myself the impressive and daunting task of revising the entire third draft over the course of three days: Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I honestly wasn’t sure I’d manage it, but even if I didn’t, I knew I’d get a fair amount done and anything left over, I’d complete this week.

Well, yesterday I actually did complete the third draft. I am in utter disbelief. It’s completed, and sent to my four beta readers and my editor. I am…I don’t know. I’m immensely proud and glad and excited, but I’m also nervous and anxious because now, while I wait for their feedback, I need to start drafting the sequel and I have never, ever, gotten to the sequel in a series before. Ever. And with A Kiss of Glass, I had a short story I had already written to base the novella off of. This time, I’m starting from (almost) scratch.

What if I can’t do it?
What if I get stuck?
What if it goes all upside down?

I know these are natural questions and fears, but they’re kind of blocking my ability to think creatively. Because one thing that I’ve learned in my years as a writer, I absolutely cannot listen to the negativity in my brain. No matter how insecure, no matter how nervous I am, if I listen to the fears, I will never get anything done. And it’s more than okay to have a shitty first draft. The short story I based A Kiss of Glass on was not great. It was fine considering I wrote it in undergrad, but it wasn’t anything actually good. My novella is vastly superior. So I know I can take something bland and liven it up. And I know I can get myself through the revision process.

But I have to focus. I can’t let myself get consumed by the doubts and the heaviness of the process itself. It’s pretty exhausting. But I’m also really happy to find myself here because it’s a new goal, a new challenge, a new step to help me grow.

I won’t stop. I’ll keep going. Even if it’s harder at some points than others.

And Just Like That…

…the second draft of my novella is complete! The second draft clocked in at 33,700 words.

Yesterday I revised the last two chapters, and then began revising the third draft. This is something I have to celebrate wildly because, while I write a lot, I have never completed the second draft of any prose project longer than 10,000 words. I’ve written and revised short stories, and I believe I completed the fourth draft of a novelette years ago, but never something this long.

That’s two big accomplishments in one day! My next step is to get the third draft revised by Monday so I can send the manuscript out to my beat readers. There are still some sections I need to add to the beginning, but the bulk of the novella is completed. Now, I mostly need to focus on the actual writing, the line-by-line and paragraph-by-paragraph edits to make the prose really flow and jump off the page. That’s the really fun part of writing: taking the words and working them into something magical.

Then, while the manuscript is being reviewed by my beta readers, I’ll be drafting the sequel in this series. It’s really incredible to me how, as I drafted and revised the first two drafts of book one, my plans for the series have changed drastically. Originally, I was going to make this a trilogy. It was going to be three stand alone novellas connected by specific themes. Now, I have at least four more novellas planned for this series, all of them interconnected with the same characters and overall conflict.

I can’t even explain how exciting this is, seeing this series come together in a way I never anticipated.

As you can see by the panel on the right of this page, I have three current project publishing dates for three different books. The first is my debut book of poetry, Even the Air, Too Heavy. It’s being traditionally published by an independent press. The second is the book I’m working on now, Hands of the Order Book One: A Kiss of Glass. It’s going to be self-published. The traditional publishing route for fiction is just too saturated with writers and not enough agents and publishers to make it worth my time. Plus, if I actually gain and audience for my books, I’ll make more money as a self-published writer. So, win-win.

The third projected date is for the sequel to the book I’m writing now, title yet to be determined. So be prepared for more announcements! And THANK YOU for your continued support, encouragement, and readership. I appreciate you all more than I can say.

Camp NaNoWriMo

The last couple of years have not been great for my Camp NaNoWriMo goals. I’ve planned them, set them up, announced them, and then consistently fallen short. Part of this was due to being in grad school. Part of it was getting prescribed anti-depressants. And part of it was emotional, mental, and creative fatigue from the pandemic. So when this year’s Camp NaNoWriMo came around, I decided that I would set a more realistic goal for myself. Rather than start a new project, I’d simply revise an existing project.

My 2022 Camp NaNoWriMo goal was to take the rough draft of my current work-in-progress (a fiction novella based on a short story I wrote in undergrad) and add 10,000 words to the rough draft. When I started, my rough draft was about 25,000 words (give or take a few thousand). As of today, my second draft is clocking in at 29,154 words – only 6,000ish away from my ultimate goal.

To say that I’m excited is an enormous understatement.

My plan is for this book to be 35,000 words. This is actually kind of long for a novella, but trying to write, revise, edit, and publish a novel (40,000 words or more) by September 22 of this year is simply too much to reach for. As it is, I might not make the September 22 goal which, while it would ultimately be find, would be a disappointment and would mean a delay on the release of my second book. Especially if my plan is to release a new book of fiction once a season, which I would very much like to keep to if I can.

But before I worry about all of that, I have to complete my second draft, and my goal is to do so by the end of this week. I’d like to send my second draft out to my beta readers by the 10th so that I can give them time to read it and provide feedback. I’ve already hired someone to design the cover and the interior (thank Gaia I don’t have to do that work), and I have a potential editor lined up to go through it and give me line-by-line suggestions to make sure the manuscript is polished and ready for publication.

If I’m lucky, my book, Hands of the Order: A Kiss of Glass, will be published on the first day of autumn. It would be my debut book of fiction, which is beyond exciting. So, keep a lookout for updates!

ANNOUNCEMENT

Hello, everyone!

A quick announcement that I am unbelievably excited to share!

My debut book of poetry, Even the Air, Too Heavy, will be available for pre-orders on July 15! That’s this month. Once the link goes live, I will make an absolutely huge deal out of it (I’m sure you’ll see all the posts), so keep coming back here for updates.

And please, PLEASE consider pre-ordering a copy (or several). Pre-orders are one of the best ways you can support authors, especially independent authors. They not only help writers to recognize there is an audience for their work, but they also show the publisher/press that there is a market for an author’s work. This can be huge in terms of a press choosing to publish multiple books by a writer.

And since my book is being released by an independent press, 100% of all royalties go to the writer (ME!). So I highly encourage you to take this opportunity to support me, a brand new poet. And I thank you in advance for all of your support that you’ve already shown by following my blog, commenting on my posts, and liking my posts.

The official publishing date for my book is September 15, 2022!

I am so excited!

Busy Going Into Summer

Well, it’s been an absolute cluster fuck of the last couple of months in April, I started a new job as an Assistant Project Manager. I loved that job. I loved the work. Every day I learned something new, something exciting, something challenging. I pushed myself to really invest in the work I was doing. It helped that I genuinely liked my supervisor.

Unfortunately, the job only lasted through May before I was laid off due to the owner’s inability to “continue funding [my] position.” I’m not sure even now why they only could afford to give me work for less than a month and a half, but I left there on good terms with everyone, even though I was heartbroken.

The next three weeks(ish), I was unemployed and actively looking for work. Job hunting is exhausting. I hate it. It’s stressful and discouraging and all around just…a pain. But I gave myself goals and stuck to them. I even finished the rough draft of (what will eventually be) my debut work of fiction. It was helpful to be productive and to dive deeper into writing the stories I love and have been developing for years.

Surprisingly, last week on Tuesday I was given a job offer by the MEP firm where I used to work. I left there as a Project Coordinator, and the job they offered we was as an electrical designer. This was appealing to me since it meant being trained in more technical design work. I told my former supervisor I’d consider the offer and get back to him.

Wednesday I sent him my conditions. If they could match my desired hourly wage and offer a partially remote position, I’d accept their offer. They agreed, and this week was my first week back. And in this one week, I’ve already learned so much more than I did my entire time at the Assistant Project Manager job. And I’m back in a work environment where I know everyone, they know me, and I feel appreciated. And I’m still earning a living wage.

It’s been quite the interesting few months, but I’m ultimately grateful for all of it because I’m genuinely happy. And I’m consistently working on my work-in-progress; I’m on the second round of revision after getting feedback from my alpha reader, and then once I have a third draft done, I’ll send it to my beta readers.

And pre-orders for my debut book of poetry will be available on July 15! Keep a lookout for that!

I’m sending love and light to you all.