Janel Brubaker's Blog, page 14

Remember to Breathe

Sometimes I need the little reminders to do the little things that are actually really important things. Like remembering to drink water, and focusing on deep breathing throughout the day. I carry a lot of tension in my shoulders and neck, and remembering to breathe deeply helps me unclench those muscles and relax. And when I get busy, it can be so easy to just “keep going” without stopping, without slowing down, without checking in with my body and my mind to make sure I’m doing okay.

There’s been a lot on my mind lately. Publishing a book is no simple task, even when you’re going through a publisher and not doing all the work yourself. It takes a lot of energy, a lot of commitment, and a lot of time. It’s no different from the actual writing, really, except that it’s the culmination of everything the writing is and has been. It’s the result of years of work. And even though the process is absolutely incredible, it is still very taxing. Yesterday I wrote about reserving our fucks for the things that really matter, but sometimes there are a lot of things that matter at the same time. Giving myself those moments to just breathe helps me regulate my energy output.

I’m also a person who ruminates on stuff a lot, and that eats up even more energy. I’m learning not to do that as often, but it is a challenge. Sometimes things weigh really heavily on my mind and can drag me down if I’m not conscious of how much I’m thinking about them. Energy also builds up in the body. In my experience, negative energy takes up a lot more space than positive. It’s more aggressive, more consuming. Deep, slow breathing releases some of it and lets a more peaceful center come through. Hydrating also helps because, ya know, water.

So this is your reminder to breathe, to hydrate, and to give yourself space to stop moving. We can’t always solve everything at once, and some things take a lot of time to process, but that doesn’t mean we have to invest all of our attention to the things that stress us out the most. Taking things one step at a time, even if they’re the smallest of steps, can give us the space to stay calm and figure out the right course of action.

How To Keep Writing

If the last few years have taught me anything about writing, it’s that life doesn’t give a fuck about our craft.

The stresses never lessen. The horrors of politics, religion, society, economics, and ecology always worsen. And even when things our going well in our personal lives, there’s no controlling how much inspiration and motivation we have, or how long we have it. Often, even when we’re going our best to nurture our creativity, the littlest things can be enough to distract us. Honestly, given the things we “have to do” everyday (work, education, social life, chores around the house, and rest), it’s a wonder any of us can create at all.

My M.F.A. focused a lot on the importance of developing a consistent writing practice, and while I do believe this is an important step, I think it’s really just the first step in a much longer and more complicated journey towards the act of creating. I know for myself, just “maintaining” a writing practice really isn’t enough for me to feel energized to write. I need other things, like mentally stimulating reading time, hours out in nature/the fresh air, and days I can take off from writing. Hell, even things like drinking enough water and getting in a little bit of exercise are helpful to boost creativity. I can keep to my writing practice, but without these other things, I will not be as invested in what I’m writing.

So here is how I keep writing, even when the world around me continues to fall apart:

I always make time for reading.

The great thing about being in a graduate program for literature is that I am always reading something. I am always depositing little nuggets of new information into my brain, storing them away until I have need of them. I’m finished with my semester now, but next semester I will be reading ten different books across two classes (which is about two books a month), not including the individual pieces and excerpts provided by the instructors. But you don’t have to be in school to study literature. A lot of programs have their reading lists available online, and some writing websites have assignment descriptions if you want to work on your critical writing, too. Just the act of reading widely helps to develop creativity and critical thinking.

I’m also always reading a book with my sister/best friend, and this leads to some absolutely amazing (and hilarious) conversations, which, in turn, lead to ideas for things to write/study more. We finished Mansfield Park (for the second time reading it together), and are now reading A Room With a View by E.M. Forster. It’s a book I’ve had on my To Be Read list for years, but have never actually picked up and read. I highly recommend setting up a book group, or even just a friend to read with you. It helps keeps me on track, and gives me a chance to read outside of school.

Plus, I am also always working my way through a book of poetry. Maybe it’s a chapbook; maybe it’s an anthology; maybe it’s a whole collection of a poet’s work. Regardless, I am always reading poetry because it inspires me to write poetry. Whatever it is you want to write, read that as much as possible. Don’t waste time reading books you don’t have any interest in.
I always make time for nature.

This one is vitally important to my own creative practice. I absolutely need to spend time out of doors. Sometimes I hike, but mostly I need to just sit and breathe in the trees, the flowers, the water, the grass. In the autumn, winter, and spring months when there are rare days of cold sunshine, I’ll bundle up in layers and take myself out to the woods, build a campfire, and just be. This is vital because it helps me disconnect from my phone, the tv, and the other external things that get in the way of my creative focus. A lot of the places I go don’t have cell service either, so I really can just be in the moment, in a specific place, with my own creative energy.

It’s almost always nature that gives me a glimpse into my most honest self. Trauma builds defense mechanisms, and those, when left untended, can build barriers. Healing helps take those barriers down, but it’s those intimate moments with nature that really give me insight to the wounds that need the most care. Sometimes I’m not ready to confront those wounds, and the trees help me care for them tenderly while I’m building the strength to face them. Sometimes I’m holding onto something too strongly to see that it’s continuing to inflict pain, and the quiet movement of a river helps me recognize when I need to let go.

And these things always circle back to my writing because writing is one way that I process my life, my loves, and my losses.
I’m learning to make time for rest.

I need off-days from writing, too, otherwise I get burnt out and overwhelmed. A life of creative writing isn’t sustainable if there’s no off switch. This weekend, I did a lot of reading, but no writing. Mother’s Day is always a horrible “holiday” for me, so I spent all of Saturday in bed. I even cancelled a facial I had because, while getting the facial is a form of rest, I knew what I needed was a day of doing basically nothing. And that’s what I allowed myself to do. Nothing. I slept. I ate junk food. I spent time with my cat and dog. And I watched Bob’s Burgers on an endless loop.

I could have taken the depression I was overwhelmed by and used it to write a poem about why Mother’s Day is a horrible day for me. In some ways, that might have made me feel a bit better. I could have ignored the depression and thrown myself into an enormous amount of cleaning or meal prep. I could have gotten myself outside and distracted by the beauty of Oregon’s early spring days. None of these would have been “wrong,” but what I felt I needed was a day to switch everything off. And it was glorious, ya’ll. Even with all the bullshit going on with Roe v Wade going on, and with my miscarriages being distinctly relevant to that topic, I built a space of safety for myself.

And I know that it will pay off.

See, the way to keep writing is, at times, to stop the writing process for a brief period. Even for those of us who use writing as a means of processing the things that happen in our lives, there can come a time when what we need is not to create, but simply to listen. Especially now, when the social and political climate around us is so heavy, it can be hard to just sit and listen. The need to always be active, to always be speaking, to always be moving is both a blessing and a curse.

Yes, sometimes what we need is to push ourselves and write, even when we don’t feel like it. But just as important is recognizing when we simply need to stop. So if you’re hitting a slump and none of your usual tricks are helping you get out of it, try switching off. Disconnect. Don’t doom scroll through social media. If you need a day in bed, take a day in bed. If you need to sleep in, then sleep in. If you need a day in nature, take a day and go to a park. It’s great when nature inspires us, but I think too often, writers and artists feel like everything has to lead to a new poem or a new painting.

You can enjoy nature for the sake of nature itself. It doesn’t have to lead back to writing.

Sometimes, to keep writing for the long term, we have to stop writing in the short term.

Poetry – “All the Things This is Not”

The Downsides of Being an Over-Achiever

I have always given everything I have to my education, my writing, my job, and my other hobbies. And while this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s also simply not sustainable. I read a book about four years ago called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, and it’s entire premise revolves around how people tend to overwork themselves too much because they give too many fucks. The book had flaws (specifically the written-by-a-cishet-white-dude kind), but the overall premise was worthwhile and helped me accept that I don’t have to give 100% to everything all of the time. It’s okay to reserve my fucks for the things that really matter.

My education has always been one of those things that matters. I graduated with my A.S. with a 3.8 GPA. I graduated my B.A. with a 3.7 GPA. I graduated my M.F.A. with a 4.0 GPA. And while I am enormously proud of everything I’ve worked for and accomplished, I also have reached a point where I simply cannot maintain that level of output, especially being in this new job that I love, but which requires a huge amount of my attention and energy. And even though my career plans have changed, I still want to pursue this M.A. in Literature. It may not be relevant to my career now, but it is relevant to my personal development and interests.

But that doesn’t mean I need to get straight A’s like I’ve tried to do since undergrad.

This second masters degree isn’t for any career path, and I doubt at this point that I will end up pursuing a PhD. I’m in this second masters program for my own enjoyment, my own edification, and my own interests. I’m taking the classes I want to take. I’m shaping this program into exactly what I want it to be. And while I am giving it my enthusiasm and dedication, I am also giving myself permission to not get all A’s. As hard as that is for me, I’m doing this so that I can reserve my energy for the things I need it for most. I’m still dedicated to my classes. I’m still doing the work, but I’m choosing to be okay if I get a B or a C in a class.

I love that I’m an over-achiever, but I don’t like that I have a tendency to wear myself out by prioritizing too many things at once. So over the next month until summer semester starts, I’m going to simply rest, relax, read, and enjoy the beautiful moments in each day. Because poetry is more than words on a page, it’s also taking the time to notice the beautiful things. And if I need to slow down to see those moments and appreciate them, then so be it.

I’m sending out love and light today.

Poetry – “Acceptance & Refusal”

Moving Forward

The editing process is now complete for my debut book of poetry.

We’ve moved into the typesetting phase, which is enormously exciting and I still can’t believe it. Right now, my publisher is working to design the interior of my book. They send me different options, and then I choose the ones I like, and they apply them. Now is also the time that I get to start setting up readings, book signings, and other events to publicize my book, as well as applying to fellowships, residencies, and book awards. Cause why not?

It’s a LOT to handle, but it’s also an absolute pleasure and an enormous blessing. Not only do I get to experience this as a writer whose work is being published, but I also get to assist in helping the other writers being published this year with their publishing process. It’s a little community that is filled with some of the most generous and compassionate writers I’ve ever met. Not to mention the editors, who continue to blow me away by their time and their commitment to our work.

So, big things are happening. It’s honestly such an exciting time in my life. My partner and I are approaching our second anniversary, and I cannot even say how much I love and respect him. Our puppy, Kiki, is turning one year old in June. I actually came out as bisexual to my family, something I never thought I’d have the courage to do. (It did not go well, and that has been a very hard thing to process.) But, even despite the trauma of coming out and having my sexuality rejected, the feeling of peace that I have just knowing that it’s over and I don’t have to worry about it anymore, is enormous. I’m also finishing up my first semester of my M.A. in Literature (just have one final paper to finish and submit), I’m continuing to learn in my new job, which is motivating and exciting every single fucking day, and I’m in the early stages of starting another book of poetry.

I’m sitting in bed right now, staring out the window at the cherry blossoms that have bloomed right outside our condo; the sun is shining, the air is fresh and crisp, and I can hear several different birds chirruping in the trees that surround our complex. It’s a beautiful moment. Later, I’ll be meeting up with two close friends, and I cannot wait to see them. And yesterday and Monday I went to Eugene with a student from the M.F.A. program I attended (she’s in the cohort behind mine), and we attended a reading given by Neil Gaiman. It was a magical experience with a phenomenal human being.

Oh, and I got my nose pierced.

There’s something so fulfilling about actively building my life into what I want it to be.

First Semester Finals

Well, the time has come: it’s almost finals for my first semester of my M.A. program. I’ve completed the final project for my Theory of Expository Writing class; I wrote a review of post-process theory from the perspective of a creative writer. Since pretty much my entire education has focused on writing as a process, I wanted to dig in a bit deeper to the theory that came after process theory to see if it changed how I view creative writing. It was a research paper, but without a thesis or argumentative statement.

For my Humanism in the Renaissance class, I’m writing an argumentative paper on Sir Thomas More’s Utopia, specifically the role of women in his “better world.” Utopia was very much a satire criticizing the scholars and society of Europe – and especially England – at the time. He uses the fictional character of Raphael Hythloday to communicate the kind of life and religious and political set up of the also fictional island of Utopia. More was a devout Catholic, and while much of what he writes in his most famous text seems to be revolutionary for the time, the satiric nature of the work exposes just how transgressive Utopia really is. In my paper, I’m not arguing the feminist or oppressive views of More himself, but I am pointing out that in Utopia, this world that is presented as a massive improvement of the real world, women are little better than slaves dressed up in an exterior that looks progressive, but isn’t.

It’s been a long time since I’ve crafted a thesis statement and written a critical research paper, complete with an Annotated Bibliography and a minimum of eight sources. And holy shit, does it feel good to work on this paper.

Now that I have a clearer direction for my career in project management, I’m no longer looking at this M.A. as the next step in my career goals. This means I’m studying in this program for my own personal benefit, rather than for career progression. And to that end, I’m giving myself permission not to pursue a 4.0 GPA. Working full time, having a book coming out this year that requires a lot of time, revision, and meetings with editors and the publisher, and raising a puppy with my wonderful partner of almost two years, I just don’t have the energy needed to consistently get a 4.0. And since I’m doing this for my own enjoyment, I can take away some of the pressure I always put on myself and just have fun with my classes. It’s a really exciting thing.

Next semester I’m taking a class on LGBTQIA+ literature, and a class on Monsters. I’m absolutely thrilled

When Even the Little Steps Lead Us to Big Things

I’m currently in the final stages of the editing process for my debut book of poetry.

My editors have been enormously generous with their time, their energy, their feedback, and their space for my work. Poets really are some of the most amazing people. I am abundantly grateful for everything my editors and publisher have been doing for me and for this book. My cover has been designed. I have my table of contents, epigraphs, and dedication completed in the front of the book, and all of my acknowledgements in the back.

The next step is typesetting and starting the process of getting blurbs and reviews in for the back matter. Which is honestly almost more than I can really handle because I never thought I’d be at this place at all, for any of my writing, this soon after graduation, let alone with a manuscript of poetry, but here I am. It’s a feeling, a sensation, that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. And it makes me that much more excited to start working on my next book.

I’m also giddy today because I found out this week that my favorite spot in Oregon (or at least within only a couple hour’s drive), which has been closed since 2020, is opening next month! This spot along the Clackamas River has been a source of almost unlimited inspiration for me. The river, the woods, the campground, the bridges…they’re all magical over there and I have so many story ideas and rough drafts written that were begun after spending days out driving along the Clackamas River.

And next month, I get to go back. For the first time in two years. I could cry, I’m that excited.

Here’s to the upcoming spring and summer months, on this Earth Day.

Finals and Other Things

Well, for the first time since last year, I actually have finals to prepare for.

In my Theory of Expository Writing class, I’m writing a review of post-process theory. No thesis, no argumentative stance to support, just lots of research so that I can write a review of what post-process theory is within the discipline of composition. The twist? I’m writing this review through the lens of a creative writer who has primarily (if not exclusively) been taught process theory. In other words, I’ve always been taught that writing is a process, so to deconstruct that ideology into an understanding of post-process theory has been interesting, as well as thought-provoking. It’s allowed me to see my own writing in a new light, though I’m not entirely sure what that light is.

For my Humanism in the Renaissance class, I’m writing an argumentative paper about feminism/gender roles in Sir Thomas More’s Utopia. There were many texts I could have chosen from this class (Machiavelli’s The Prince and Erasmus’s In Praise of Folly were two other I considered), but the class discourse on Utopia was the most impactful for me. One thing I want to do is reread the text through a feminist lens to see just what More is attempting to say about women/gender in his work, if he’s trying to say anything at all.

And I’m also signed up for summer semester! I’m taking a course on LGBTQIA+ literature, and a course on Monsters (which is, honestly, really fucking exciting). And what’s even more exciting is that it looks like I’ll be graduating with my M.A. in Literature in summer of next year. I’m blown away by how quickly time flies. I’m going to miss being in school, but I’m also going to love to have my free time open again. Especially because I have two really big projects I want to start working on that I don’t think I’ll have the capacity for while still in school.

I’m in the second week of my Assistant Project Manager position, and it is going so much better than I thought it would! I’m absolutely loving the work, I enjoy the people I’m working with, I’m getting actual management experience, and I’m learning a lot. I also have a really great routine that I’m developing to keep myself on track. I’ve been packing all of my lunches (lots of healthy foods to keep my mind and body fueled throughout the day), and it’s been working extremely well for me. Fruits and veggies are the best, I tell ya. Oh, and eggs. Lots of eggs.

One note of encouragement: give yourself those affirmations, even when no one else does. Reminding yourself to believe in your value, your worth, and your capabilities is important. So often, the world tells us how much we’re not enough, its important to counter that narrative by building ourselves up and accepting how badass we are.

I thought about this a lot yesterday as my partner and I celebrated Easter with his family. Growing up in church, it was reiterated time and time again how little value humans had outside of Christ’s dying for us. Which, while it’s positioned to be a sacrifice out of love, feels very much like we, humans, are murderers playing an active role in an innocent man’s death. And that if we don’t accept his sacrifice as being one of divine intention, then we’re literally mocking someone who died for our eternal wellbeing.

But I don’t accept this narrative. I absolutely believe in the teachings of Jesus; he was enormously critical of the religious leaders of his time, and sets the example for us to be critical of them in our time, too; he was forgiving, compassionate, hated hypocrisy and corruption, told us that love mattered more than anything else, and told us to provide for those who are marginalized. I am 100% in support of all of those things, and it’s because of Jesus that I cannot attend church or live a life that “looks Christian” from the outside. Because the Christianity I grew up with is one that made me hate myself, and that is no longer a burden I am willing to carry.

So now I speak my own affirmations out loud, and often, so that I never lose sight of my own value. Even if no one else values me, as long as I love and value myself, I will thrive. Because the truth is that no one owes me their consideration, nor do I need their consideration to live a loving, worthwhile, valuable life. External validation is great, but too many people rely on it for their own self-esteem, and that’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time. I’m changing that this year.

So accept how badass you are. Revel in that shit. And live your most authentic self. The people who deserve your friendship will see your value.

Letting Things Be

Well, the first week of my new job is coming to a close, and I am astonished at just how much I’ve learned this week. But more than just the learning, I’m amazed at just how close I came to choosing a different path. I’ve said before that I always intended to be a teacher, and I really can’t express how hard it is to let yourself walk away from an old (or even current) ambition. Teaching as an adjunct would have completely sucked all of my love and passion for writing and literature away. I knew that back in the last residency of my M.F.A., but it was something I was willing to struggle through if it meant I had a career I liked.

I very nearly chose to be an adjunct. And while I am sad that I haven’t continued to pursue that dream, I’m also relived and elated that I’ve still found a career I love, and it pays more than enough for me to live a comfortable life. I’m motivated, I’m driven, I have enormous interest in continuing to expand my experience, and it’s a career that will lead me to many other opportunities. Honestly, where I am now feels like exactly where I’m supposed to be. Because really, I do love writing and reading more than anything else, but how much time would I have to do those things as an adjunct?

One of my mentors in my M.F.A. program, Vi Khi Nao, is one of the most prolific writers I have ever known personally. Since I’ve known her, she has had at least three books published and has written many, many more. She reads voraciously, insatiably. (Also, she’s an outstanding writer and you should absolutely read her work!) And that’s what I want to do: I want to write “like I’m running out of time,” “like tomorrow won’t arrive,” “like I need it to survive,” to quote one of my favorite songs from the musical Hamilton. I may not ever write or read as much as she does, but having that goal is something that motivates me.

So as this new job continues to expand my skillset, I am giving myself permission to let go of old goals, old ambitions, old dreams. And I’m allowing myself to simply be who I need to be in the moment. I’m still studying, I’m still digging deep into literature and finding new things to love and explore, and I am still committed to being a writer in every sense of the word. Those are my priorities.

What are your writing priorities?