Finals and Other Things

Well, for the first time since last year, I actually have finals to prepare for.

In my Theory of Expository Writing class, I’m writing a review of post-process theory. No thesis, no argumentative stance to support, just lots of research so that I can write a review of what post-process theory is within the discipline of composition. The twist? I’m writing this review through the lens of a creative writer who has primarily (if not exclusively) been taught process theory. In other words, I’ve always been taught that writing is a process, so to deconstruct that ideology into an understanding of post-process theory has been interesting, as well as thought-provoking. It’s allowed me to see my own writing in a new light, though I’m not entirely sure what that light is.

For my Humanism in the Renaissance class, I’m writing an argumentative paper about feminism/gender roles in Sir Thomas More’s Utopia. There were many texts I could have chosen from this class (Machiavelli’s The Prince and Erasmus’s In Praise of Folly were two other I considered), but the class discourse on Utopia was the most impactful for me. One thing I want to do is reread the text through a feminist lens to see just what More is attempting to say about women/gender in his work, if he’s trying to say anything at all.

And I’m also signed up for summer semester! I’m taking a course on LGBTQIA+ literature, and a course on Monsters (which is, honestly, really fucking exciting). And what’s even more exciting is that it looks like I’ll be graduating with my M.A. in Literature in summer of next year. I’m blown away by how quickly time flies. I’m going to miss being in school, but I’m also going to love to have my free time open again. Especially because I have two really big projects I want to start working on that I don’t think I’ll have the capacity for while still in school.

I’m in the second week of my Assistant Project Manager position, and it is going so much better than I thought it would! I’m absolutely loving the work, I enjoy the people I’m working with, I’m getting actual management experience, and I’m learning a lot. I also have a really great routine that I’m developing to keep myself on track. I’ve been packing all of my lunches (lots of healthy foods to keep my mind and body fueled throughout the day), and it’s been working extremely well for me. Fruits and veggies are the best, I tell ya. Oh, and eggs. Lots of eggs.

One note of encouragement: give yourself those affirmations, even when no one else does. Reminding yourself to believe in your value, your worth, and your capabilities is important. So often, the world tells us how much we’re not enough, its important to counter that narrative by building ourselves up and accepting how badass we are.

I thought about this a lot yesterday as my partner and I celebrated Easter with his family. Growing up in church, it was reiterated time and time again how little value humans had outside of Christ’s dying for us. Which, while it’s positioned to be a sacrifice out of love, feels very much like we, humans, are murderers playing an active role in an innocent man’s death. And that if we don’t accept his sacrifice as being one of divine intention, then we’re literally mocking someone who died for our eternal wellbeing.

But I don’t accept this narrative. I absolutely believe in the teachings of Jesus; he was enormously critical of the religious leaders of his time, and sets the example for us to be critical of them in our time, too; he was forgiving, compassionate, hated hypocrisy and corruption, told us that love mattered more than anything else, and told us to provide for those who are marginalized. I am 100% in support of all of those things, and it’s because of Jesus that I cannot attend church or live a life that “looks Christian” from the outside. Because the Christianity I grew up with is one that made me hate myself, and that is no longer a burden I am willing to carry.

So now I speak my own affirmations out loud, and often, so that I never lose sight of my own value. Even if no one else values me, as long as I love and value myself, I will thrive. Because the truth is that no one owes me their consideration, nor do I need their consideration to live a loving, worthwhile, valuable life. External validation is great, but too many people rely on it for their own self-esteem, and that’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time. I’m changing that this year.

So accept how badass you are. Revel in that shit. And live your most authentic self. The people who deserve your friendship will see your value.