Janel Brubaker's Blog, page 7

October and Other Shifting Currents

If you’ve been following me for any period of time, you know that autumn is my favorite time of year, and October is my favorite month. The leaves are changing. The rains return to the Pacific Northwest. And fog begins to haunt the valleys and mountains and forests. It is, truly, the best time of year.

I’m still teaching. I’m actually in the process of applying for my Masters of Arts in Teaching so that I can apply for my preliminary teaching license. It’s a bit of an arduous process, if I’m honest, but one that I hope will be worth the stress. Substitute teaching doesn’t pay what I need to cover my bills, and I can’t get a permanent teaching position without my preliminary license.

Writing the rough draft of my sequel novel is also still coming along nicely. I’m on track to meet my deadline for completing the rough draft, which is currently October 31st. Then, I’ll be going through my first round of revisions, which I hope to have done by December 31st. Once those two drafts are done, I’ll be sending the manuscript in progress to my beat readers, and then I’ll be spending from February through May getting the rest of the revisions done.

I’m hoping that this manuscript will also be released in June. We will see how revisions go.

I’m officially attending my first convention as an author with my own booth! OryCon 43, I will have a table where I will be selling books and other book merchandise, signing books, and otherwise meeting and connecting with people who love fantasy. I am extremely excited. And my hope is that this convention will help cover the costs of ordering inventory for Emerald City Comic Con, which I’m hoping to attend as an author as well. But I haven’t heard back from them yet, so we will see. Conventions are great ways to meet people, connect with other authors and people invested in your genre, and, of course, sell books!

I hope you’re all doing well! More exclusive book content will be coming soon!

Celebration and Gratitude

I woke up this morning to 174 orders of my debut novel for just the month of September alone.

At this point, the Amazon algorithm is likely pushing my book to more people, suggesting it to those on Kindle, etc. Yesterday, my book reached the top 3 in the Fairy Tales category. My book was in the top 3, along with other popular fairy tale retellings. The top 3.

I still can’t wrap my mind around that. This means that I am a bestselling author on Kindle. I’m blown away. I’m ecstatic. I’ve actually been having trouble concentrating on anything because I keep thinking about this and how many books am I going to sell before the end of September? If it keeps on at this pace, where I’m selling 25+ books everyday, it’s gonna be well over 300 sold for the month. Just this month.

This is the kind of literary success I always dreamed I would find eventually, but never imagined that I would find it with my first novel. I was actually happy last week on Wednesday when I checked my KDP reports and saw I had sold 4 books. Because that was much better than the 0 orders I had seen in previous days.

So now, to wake up every morning and see that number inch closer and closer to selling 200 for the month, is just…dizzying. I’m deliriously happy. I got to celebrate yesterday with a good friend over some drinks and dinner and it was such a wonderful time. And seeing the other indie authors on Facebook, TikTok, Twitter, and Instagram rooting for me and encouraging me, it feels kind of surreal. Not everyone has always wanted me to succeed. In face, I can think of at least three people who would revel in my suffering if they saw it.

One thing I’ve learned over the last several years is that no one else is going to fight for my goals, my dreams, as strongly as I will. And that’s not to discount the importance of community; the online independent writing community is one of the most supportive, excited, and encouraging communities I’ve ever found. No one is happier for your success as an indie author than other indie authors.

But even so, I’m still the one who is going to fight the hardest to see my dreams come true. Because a truth of life is that people come and go. And even some of the people who once promised to always have my back, now I wouldn’t trust with anything. Not one single damn thing, no matter how small. Cause this is the way it goes: you’re down on your luck, you’re struggling, and they’re there for you; you decide to try and heal and they say they support you and that they’re proud of you; you start to gain your strength and your confidence back, and they say they’re happy for you, but then the moment that your healing points out their horribly toxic — and abusive — behaviors, suddenly you’re the one causing all of the problems.

And I know we all know the phrase “Haters gonna hate.” It’s a true statement. When they decide to hate you, they will hate you. No amount of truth or proof is going to make a difference to them. And at times, these realities still hurt. But then I look at where I am in my life, and I see how well I’m doing, how much I’ve grown, and how successful I’m becoming as a writer, I know for a fact that none of this would have happened if those people were still in my life. Some people are energy drainers. And in my experience, those people genuinely hate seeing other people succeed, especially if it’s a place where they, themselves, have wanted to find success.

If I had known years ago that shedding those people from my life would be a catalyst to who I am today and where I am today, I think those losses might not have hurt as much they did. Sometimes a loss is a massive gain, but we don’t see that until we’re far enough away from the loss to recognize it for what it really is. And I don’t need those people in my life.

And now I’m a bestselling author, people! I’ll be updating you on where these sales are because this shit is just absolutely wild.

The Bigger Victories

Hey everyone!

It’s been a bit hectic over here. The school year is back in full force for both my own students and for me as a student. I’m finishing up my final semester of my M.A. in Literature before starting a third masters program, this one in teaching. I need to get my MAT to qualify to get my full teaching license, and I’ve found a great university online that has a good program for much less expensive than the options here where I live. So, as you can imagine, it’s been chaotic.

Because on top of working full time in a high-stress, low-paid job and being a full time graduate student myself, I’m also still working on my sequel novel. It’s coming along nicely now, surpassing the 50,000 word mark. It’s not coming to me as quickly as A Kiss of Glass did, but I am loving what I’m writing, and I think that even though this rough draft is taking a long time to finish, once it is done, revision and editing will be a much less strenuous process than A Kiss of Glass. And besides, I’d rather take my time on this rough draft and make sure I have a solid foundation than speed through it and find that I need to rewrite a bunch of it when I start revisions.

That’s my basic update. Now for the bigger stuff.

Earlier this week, probably on Wednesday or Thursday, I checked my KDP reports to see how my book was doing this month. Especially with going back to work, I haven’t been promoting it as much. I had 4 orders and about 60ish pages read on KENP. Which, all things considered, wasn’t bad at all.

Friday night I checked it and I was up to 17 orders and probably a little over 150 pages read on KENP. I was in shock. I won’t take you through every step over Saturday and now today, but suffice to say I am, when last I checked, sitting at 80 orders for this month alone and 766 pages read. Which, on its own, is really fucking awesome.

But there’s more.

On Amazon, my ebook is currently sitting at #7 in Fairy Tales, #16 in LGBTQ Fantasy, and #37 in Fairy Tale Fantasy.

My debut novel is a fucking bestselling book in three categories on Amazon. I mean, just look at this.

The numbers themselves fluctuate based on who is reading what and when, but just look at that! A Kiss of Glass is in the top 10, the top 15, and the top 30! I have been absolutely ecstatic ever since. Because the higher rankings you get, the more likely people are to see your book or have it suggested to them by Amazon, which means you’re more likely to get a sale. So I’m just…I’m completely in shock. Have been since yesterday when I first saw these numbers climbing.

My goal for this month was to sell 10-15 copies of my books, all of them. And while my poetry books have had some pages read, most of the royalties in my KDP report are from page reads of my novel and paperback purchases. I’m blown away by this. I am absolutely blown away.

I’m pushing to complete this sequel novel by next summer. I’d really like to release it in June so that I can prepare for comic cons and other events that, hopefully, will lead to more visibility and making connections with readers. If I can swing a booth at Pride, then I will. Or the Ren Fair. Definitely at least one comic con and, if all goes well, the Portland Book Festival.

Anyway, I had to update yall so you can see how well this book of mine is doing! It hasn’t even been out for three full months and already I’ve sold over 165 copies of this book. That’s not including the orders that came through on my Linktree. I just counted those and there are 26. That puts me at 195 copies sold since June 30! What! Oh. My. God. Almost 200 copies sold in total. In less than three months.

I’m in disbelief. I’m so grateful and happy and thrilled and ecstatic and excited. I’m celebrating with a good friend tomorrow over cocktails because holy fuck, this absolutely needs to be celebrated. Let’s see how the rest of the year goes!

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Sometimes There’s a Struggle

It’s my second week back to work. Kiddos start in the classroom tomorrow and Friday, and then the entire class is in school in full force starting Monday. It’s been busy and stressful getting through both last week and this week, but I’m learning to give myself grace and kindness. I’m a substitute, not a full time teacher, and I cannot be expected to do more than my best.

I am grateful for this learning opportunity, though it has been overwhelming. I need to remember that I cannot do everything all at once. And it’s okay if I get shit wrong.

Yesterday was a bad day. I was overwhelmed and stressed and wondered if maybe teaching just wasn’t good for me? And that may yet be a truth I have to wrestle with, but it’s not something I can resolve or figure out right now. So I’m choosing to let that go.

What matters is that I’m filling a need. And that is enough right now.

I’m also still going strong on my sequel! I’ve officially decided on the title: A Shift of Crimson. I’m very excited! Rough draft is still in progress, but I feel confident that I can keep to my new goal for finishing it. And in no time at all, it’s going to be winter break and I’ll be able to get the rough draft revised and sent out to my beta readers. Revisions never take as long as the drafting process, especially once you get through one round of revisions.

I just might meet my June publication date after all!

I was hoping to get a booth for the Portland Book Festival this year, but that didn’t happen. I am, however, getting items ready, designed, and ordered so that I’m ready for my next book signing. Especially as we near the holidays, I’m going to planning some exciting events!

Hope you are all doing well! I’m sending lots of love!

Back to Sequels

If you are an author trying to determine whether you should traditionally or self-publish, I encourage you to be intentional about this choice and do your research before you make any decisions.

I do not regret my choice to self-publish. Full stop.

However, I do wish I had been a lot more mindful of what self-publishing entails before I made the choice. Because it’s not just writing the thing, uploading to KDP, and hitting Publish. There’s so much more to it, especially on the marketing side. And the issue I’m facing now is that I need to keep my newsletter going, but I am absolutely horrible with technology I’m not familiar with, and setting up the newsletter was bad enough, but now I actually have to write the newsletters and send them out and make sure my newest subscribers also get the older letters. It’s a fucking nightmare that absolutely fucking drains my soul.

Some people have suggested I move to Substack or Patreon, but I don’t want to charge my subscribers for the content I’m releasing. See, the magnet for my newsletter is that everyone who subscribes will get exclusive access to content not available in my novel: deleted scenes, more smut, letters written between characters, journal entries, scenes written from a completely different character’s perspective…These are all great ideas that I’ve been working on and I want them to reach people, but I also want to make sure that I’m not hopping around to different platforms because that’s one of the fastest ways to lose followers. Marketing requires consistency.

Another thing I’m considering is using the privacy settings on my blog posts to limit access to the exclusive content. If the mailing list doesn’t work for me (and it genuinely doesn’t for some people), why take content away from the people already following me? There are so many of you here that have been following me since I created this blog, and I feel like taking the newsletter things out of this space would be unfair to you all.

How would the limited visibility work? I’d create a post with the exclusive content in it, I’d limit the visibility so that it can only be accessed by those with the password, and then, those of you who not only subscribe to this blog but ALSO subscribe to my newsletter, would be sent the password, allowing you to access the bonus content. Which, ya know, I think is kind of fun. Like a minor scavenger hunt of sorts.

Anyway, I’m still trying to figure all of that out.

Now, for the good news: I am back to working on my sequel!

I’m sitting at a little over 40,000 words in this sequel, and my final goal for the book is to be around 110,000. That’s very close to what my debut novel was, and I think it’s a good length for these books. My current goal is to complete the rough draft by October 28th (ish), and to finish the first draft of revisions before the end of the year. I shouldn’t need as many drafts for this book as I did for A Kiss of Glass, so I might even meet my original goal of publishing this book next June instead of next December. Of course that might change once the school year gets going in full, but we will see.

Worst case scenario, the sequel is published in December of 2024. Which, honestly, wouldn’t be a bad thing anyway (yay, Christmas rush! Buy books for your loved ones!).

One thing I am loving this time around is how the main character of this book, Scarlet, is already actualizing on the page. I know part of this is due to the fact that she was the primary side character in the previous novel, so her character has already been developed to a certain extent. But there’s still a magic in learning her intricacies of personality, the things that make her conflicted, and how she handles situations she can’t control. I’ve been having to force myself to keep focused on this novel and not write the end scenes of the whole series because they’re going to be so emotional and I keep almost crying when I think about them. But I can’t actually get to them if I don’t finish the books I need to be written beforehand.

Unexpected Movements

I’m currently writing from the Oregon coast where I am attending a writing retreat with two friends.

It has been a fantastic weekend, filled with laughter, deep conversations about relationships and partnership, whale watching excursions, delicious food, and yes, a lot of writing. I’ve completed three more rounds of revisions on my book of sonnets, and I’m even more happy with them now than I was before I got here. So, it has been a very successful retreat.

In another way, too, it has been successful and that is in the sending-work-out-for-publication way. Starting last week when the sonnets began to take shape, I decided to start sending some of them out for publication consideration. I used to submit my work to three places every week, and then every time I got a rejection, I’d send them out to three more. But since my MFA, I have fallen away from that practice.

I had only 3 active submissions in my Submittable page before last week. Now, I have 31.

I know this seems like a not-so-big-a-deal, but for me, it’s a sign of movement forward. Because I have not always given my poetry a chance to thrive in the literary world. And even though I have had individual poems published, and despite having a whole ass poetry book traditionally published, I still struggle to believe my work is good enough. And not just good enough for some nebulous silhouette of a human being on the other side of the submission process, but good enough for my readers, and good enough for me.

Because here is a truth that is not often spoken about the traditional publishing world: publishers (and I think this is especially true of publishers of poetry) can be elitist. I understand that being critical of someone’s work is part of the process, and it isn’t even that that bothers me so much as the elevated sense of superiority that too often comes with it. And because poetry is so diverse, one would think it would be easy for poets to find homes for their work.

I have found that poetry is the hardest genre to find homes for.

So, today I took a huge step. I continued to send out my sonnets for publication consideration, but I decided to send them to some of the larger, and most popular literary journals for poetry. Not because I think my sonnets belong at these places (I think all poems belong everywhere), but to step away from my own insecurities and allow my work to be seen by more people. The only way to “beat” imposter syndrome is to take the big steps anyway.

Is it likely my work will be published in these larger journals? I don’t know. I’ve not submitted to them since I first started sending out my work, and back then (2015) I was sending out fiction and nonfiction. My writing has changed dramatically since then, especially considering that I’ve completed one and almost two master’s programs. But this isn’t even about whether or not my work will get accepted. It’s about me — how I view my own work and whether or not I am willing to advocate for it.

So, I’m sending my sonnets to the top literary journals for poetry. I’m going to take the rejections as they come. I’m going to receive the feedback, whenever it is offered. And I’m going to take a more active approach to no longer stifling myself. And yeah, part of me wants to be able to say that I’ve been published in these places. It looks good in a cover letter. It holds weight when sending out manuscripts. It opens up opportunities for the big literary prizes. This is a kind of alternative means of networking.

But I think more than anything, it’s a push, a challenge for me as a poet.

I’ve already decided I won’t be traditionally publishing my fiction unless it takes off and a publisher wants to offer me money for my series, in which case, yes, I’ll take the offer, please and thank you. But I don’t want the querying process. It’s not important enough to me to get me through the year (or years!) of querying, the doubt, the depression.

My poetry, however, is something else altogether. It’s separate from my fiction. Published under a different name. Covers different subjects and themes. And for some reason, my brain keeps telling me to push farther with it. So I listen.

And we will see where the journey takes us.

Writing Retreats and Other News

Tomorrow, I leave for Rockaway Beach!

I’m going on a writing retreat with some friends. It’s something we’ve done (almost) every year for several years now. We go to the coast, we spend all day everyday working on our writing, and then we come together at meals to talk, to encourage, and to read what we’ve been working on.

Last year, I worked on one of the middle drafts of my debut novel, A Kiss of Glass. This year, I will be working on a collection of sonnets I’m writing documenting the first year after my divorce and the emotional journey I embarked on. I’m really excited about and proud of this collection. It’s different from my other books of poetry. Even the Air, Too Heavy is a book of free verse poems and my other two books, Crystalline and Other Poems and I Burnt the Card You Gave Me, are free verse micro text:image poems that I first posted to Instagram. As much as I love all of my books of poetry, none of them has focused on one poetic form.

Until now.

I’m taking with me a few books of sonnets. Ted Berigan’s Sonnets, Joyelle McSweeny’s Toxicon & Arachne (which isn’t a complete book of sonnets, but does have a section in the middle of the book dedicated to sonnets), C. T. Salazar’s American Cave Wall Sonnets, and Terrence Hayes’ American Sonnets for My Past and Future Assassin. These are books I intend to study closely and use to challenge myself as I continue to revise and polish the sonnets I have, as well as write new ones. My manuscript is about 48 pages, currently, and I feel I haven’t quite dug deep enough into the subject matter to really call it a “finished” manuscript.

I will also be working on my sequel novel. Working exclusively on these sonnets has given me enough time away from the rough draft of the sequel novel to understand why I’ve been struggling so much to get it done. Simply put: I made the plot too complicated.

A Kiss of Glass has a relatively straightforward plot. There are two timelines, one which shows how the main character comes to be taken in by a guild of assassins and trained to be an assassin herself, and the other that shows her when she’s already an assassin and preparing to take out her most recent target. For the sequel, I was trying to cram too much into the manuscript, and that is why I’ve struggled to push through and get it done. So, this weekend will be spent restructuring the manuscript to fit the style of the first, and eliminating any unnecessary story elements. Hopefully that will allow me to actually make more progress on this manuscript.

The book of sonnets will be my primary focus, though. I want that manuscript done and ready to submit for publication by the end of September.

I will also be releasing another book of Instagram poems in the next few months. It will be called Making Gods of Men. I’m excited about it! The more of a backlog of books I have, the more of an audience I can reach. I’ve also started making new Instagram poems! It’s been years since I’ve posted any, although I’ve had dozens of them written down in notebooks waiting to be posted. I just haven’t had the motivation or focus or energy to get them created until now. It feels really good to be making them again.

I hope you’ve all had an amazing summer! Keep checking back here for updates on books, on writing, on work and life, and all of the other random things I write about.

Halfway Through August

I’d be lying if I said I was completely okay right now.

I’m currently nursing a migraine brought on by this heat. And even though we have an AC unit in our condo, only the living room stays moderately cool throughout the day, and that means that I have to rest on the couch instead of in bed, which is where I really want to be right now.

Extreme heat — which, for me, is anything above 80 — gives me migraines, makes me irritable and cranky, and I honestly become very unpleasant to be around. But I genuinely hate the heat. I hate it. I used to love the summer. It was my favorite season, and there are things I live about summer; the beauty on the coast, the bright skies, the ability to go to all of my favorite places in nature. But really, I prefer all of those things when it’s autumn, winter, and spring.

Next week, I get to go back to the coast for a writing retreat, and I honestly cannot wait. It’s not even the amount of writing that I hope will get done, it’s the coolness of the air, the fresh breeze, the crisp salt scent from ocean spray, that will help me to relax and heal my mind and body. And after this week, I’m gonna need it.

My current work-in-progress, a collection of sonnets about the first year of my spiritual/personal journey after my divorce, is coming along really well. It will be getting an enormous amount of revision and editing over the next couple of weeks. And then I will start trying to find publishers for it.

This is honestly all I have the energy to write right now. I can barely keep my eyes open and I’m choking back tears for no reason at all. So I’m going to let this post end here.

Hope you have a great day.

Coastal Reflections

My partner and I are leaving for the coast this morning. My laundry is in the dryer. I need to check on the neighbor’s cats before we leave. I need to run the dishwasher. And I still need to pack. But, we’re only going through tomorrow, so it will be a short trip, so I don’t need to pack much.

I’m going to the coast for a longer period of time later in the month with writer friends who are all working on several creative projects. It’ll be a five day period of reading and as much writing as I can stand. I’m working on the sequel to my novel and while it’s coming slowly to me, I’m also working on a collection of sonnets about my personal journey after leaving my ex. So far it’s a chapbook, but I’m trying to work through it to see if I can extend it out to be a longer manuscript. I’m really excited about it. And I’m really proud of the sonnets.

I’ve been submitting individual sonnets to different literary journals. I haven’t done that — sent my work in to literary journals — in quite a while. It feels good to be getting my work back into the world. And I got some great feedback from the editor of one of the journals. He really liked some of the words and phrases I wrote in the sonnets. There’s honestly something magical that happens when you get positive validation of your work by someone you respect. It’s like it fuels you. Reminds you that, even though a piece was rejected, it doesn’t mean it’s poor quality.

Sometimes we need that reminder.

So those are the two primary projects I’m working on right now. And I’m honestly so very excited to be going to the beach. I miss the Pacific Ocean. Haven’t seen it at all this summer, which is a shame because I had planned to go out to the coast a lot. But, sometimes other things get in the way. But getting my feet in the water, recharging my body, cleansing my spirit…these are things I need right now. Because in only a few weeks, I’ll be back in the classroom as a substitute teacher and, while I am enormously excited to be teaching again, I know I will also be stressed. Working full time while also being in grad school full time will never not be overwhelming. And fall semester is going to be my last in this incredible program.

I’ll be working on my master’s thesis, which is exciting, and then preparing for all of the free time I’m going to have once I graduate. My plan is to take two years and just read, write, work, and get shit done without adding more college onto my plate. And then, if, after those two years, I still want a PhD, I’ll start thinking about pursuing one. Because right now, I’m split. I want a PhD. I don’t want to add to my already debilitating amount of student loan debt. I want to take the classes, write the papers. But I don’t really plan on using the PhD. I like being a K-12 substitute teacher. There’s flexibility in this position that has been really good for my health. And as much as I would enjoy being a collegiate professor, and even though I always imagined myself as a collegiate professor, I’m not sure I’d be as happy in that role as I have been in this one.

Plus, any extra time I have, I want to use for writing, for building my brand, for getting this small business off the ground. Because, of course, that’s exactly what an independent author is: a small business. And while I have made good money on my debut novel, considering that it is the first in the series and I am a relatively unknown writer, I want this business to be a success. I want all of my books to be successful. And yes, I want to get to the place where I am earning good money with my writing. I may not get there, or it may take ten years, but I am determined to give it my best shot because no one else is going to just hand me that success.

I am determined.
I am disciplined.
I am directing myself down the path that will lead me to where I want to be.

And that doesn’t just include the writing, it also includes the marketing, the promotions, the advertising…all of the things a small business has to do to gain customers. And that, on its own, is fucking time consuming.

So, for now, the PhD is put in my back pocket. If I need it, it’ll be there. If opportunity arises, I can use it. But otherwise, this is me entering a new era of my life. I’m not content to struggle anymore. I’m doing the internal work I need to do to heal, to thrive, to grow, and I intend to do this in every direction. Not just personally, but professionally and creatively.

Because I want a creative life.
A poetic life.
A fantastic life.
A magical life.
A loving life.
An active life.
A passionate life.

Prosac and Zoloft took away so much of my passion and determination. They numbed the emotional pain, but in doing so, they also numbed my desire to use that pain for my creative projects, turning pain into art. Wellbutrin has reminded me that yeah, I carry a lot of pain, a lot of trauma, a lot of wounds, many of which are still healing; but I am and have always been a powerhouse of words and creativity.

Poetry is how I survived my two miscarriages.
Poetry is how I survived leaving my ex.
Poetry is how I survived a toxic living situation with roommates who should never, ever, have had me as a roommate to begin with.
Poetry is how I survived a false plagiarism accusation against me by one of those former roommates (and I can prove that I never committed plagiarism).
Poetry is how I’ve survived people invalidating my queerness (bisexual), my neurodivergence (autistic), my disability (major depressive disorder and CPTSD).
Poetry is a huge part of how I heal, how I process, how I manage going through this life.

I cannot be on medication that numbs the poetic synapses and neurons in my brain. I cannot be on medication that cuts off my ability to feel inspiration, passion, all the things that lead me back to the page. Because the issue isn’t just feeling numb and having to push through the blockage. The issue is that with this numbness comes a kind of vortex of darkness, a mental and emotional state that removes any ability for me to care about my work. I could go weeks at a time and not write or read a thing, and I wouldn’t care. And sure, sometimes we need to let go of the expectations we set for ourselves, but not indefinitely. Managing my mental health and finding the proper medication must include making sure that I’m not inadvertently smothering my own spirit.

Wellbutrin has de-numbed what Prosac and Zoloft stopped me from feeling. And while that has meant huge boosts in sadness and a lot of crying, it has also meant a newfound motivation for writing and a sharper intuition of creativity and revision. It’s a bit tiring because it feels like my brain moves faster now, and that can lead to irritability, but I genuinely am loving this newfound dedication and focus.

I can’t — I won’t — let the poetry in my veins get watered down again.