Coastal Reflections

My partner and I are leaving for the coast this morning. My laundry is in the dryer. I need to check on the neighbor’s cats before we leave. I need to run the dishwasher. And I still need to pack. But, we’re only going through tomorrow, so it will be a short trip, so I don’t need to pack much.

I’m going to the coast for a longer period of time later in the month with writer friends who are all working on several creative projects. It’ll be a five day period of reading and as much writing as I can stand. I’m working on the sequel to my novel and while it’s coming slowly to me, I’m also working on a collection of sonnets about my personal journey after leaving my ex. So far it’s a chapbook, but I’m trying to work through it to see if I can extend it out to be a longer manuscript. I’m really excited about it. And I’m really proud of the sonnets.

I’ve been submitting individual sonnets to different literary journals. I haven’t done that — sent my work in to literary journals — in quite a while. It feels good to be getting my work back into the world. And I got some great feedback from the editor of one of the journals. He really liked some of the words and phrases I wrote in the sonnets. There’s honestly something magical that happens when you get positive validation of your work by someone you respect. It’s like it fuels you. Reminds you that, even though a piece was rejected, it doesn’t mean it’s poor quality.

Sometimes we need that reminder.

So those are the two primary projects I’m working on right now. And I’m honestly so very excited to be going to the beach. I miss the Pacific Ocean. Haven’t seen it at all this summer, which is a shame because I had planned to go out to the coast a lot. But, sometimes other things get in the way. But getting my feet in the water, recharging my body, cleansing my spirit…these are things I need right now. Because in only a few weeks, I’ll be back in the classroom as a substitute teacher and, while I am enormously excited to be teaching again, I know I will also be stressed. Working full time while also being in grad school full time will never not be overwhelming. And fall semester is going to be my last in this incredible program.

I’ll be working on my master’s thesis, which is exciting, and then preparing for all of the free time I’m going to have once I graduate. My plan is to take two years and just read, write, work, and get shit done without adding more college onto my plate. And then, if, after those two years, I still want a PhD, I’ll start thinking about pursuing one. Because right now, I’m split. I want a PhD. I don’t want to add to my already debilitating amount of student loan debt. I want to take the classes, write the papers. But I don’t really plan on using the PhD. I like being a K-12 substitute teacher. There’s flexibility in this position that has been really good for my health. And as much as I would enjoy being a collegiate professor, and even though I always imagined myself as a collegiate professor, I’m not sure I’d be as happy in that role as I have been in this one.

Plus, any extra time I have, I want to use for writing, for building my brand, for getting this small business off the ground. Because, of course, that’s exactly what an independent author is: a small business. And while I have made good money on my debut novel, considering that it is the first in the series and I am a relatively unknown writer, I want this business to be a success. I want all of my books to be successful. And yes, I want to get to the place where I am earning good money with my writing. I may not get there, or it may take ten years, but I am determined to give it my best shot because no one else is going to just hand me that success.

I am determined.
I am disciplined.
I am directing myself down the path that will lead me to where I want to be.

And that doesn’t just include the writing, it also includes the marketing, the promotions, the advertising…all of the things a small business has to do to gain customers. And that, on its own, is fucking time consuming.

So, for now, the PhD is put in my back pocket. If I need it, it’ll be there. If opportunity arises, I can use it. But otherwise, this is me entering a new era of my life. I’m not content to struggle anymore. I’m doing the internal work I need to do to heal, to thrive, to grow, and I intend to do this in every direction. Not just personally, but professionally and creatively.

Because I want a creative life.
A poetic life.
A fantastic life.
A magical life.
A loving life.
An active life.
A passionate life.

Prosac and Zoloft took away so much of my passion and determination. They numbed the emotional pain, but in doing so, they also numbed my desire to use that pain for my creative projects, turning pain into art. Wellbutrin has reminded me that yeah, I carry a lot of pain, a lot of trauma, a lot of wounds, many of which are still healing; but I am and have always been a powerhouse of words and creativity.

Poetry is how I survived my two miscarriages.
Poetry is how I survived leaving my ex.
Poetry is how I survived a toxic living situation with roommates who should never, ever, have had me as a roommate to begin with.
Poetry is how I survived a false plagiarism accusation against me by one of those former roommates (and I can prove that I never committed plagiarism).
Poetry is how I’ve survived people invalidating my queerness (bisexual), my neurodivergence (autistic), my disability (major depressive disorder and CPTSD).
Poetry is a huge part of how I heal, how I process, how I manage going through this life.

I cannot be on medication that numbs the poetic synapses and neurons in my brain. I cannot be on medication that cuts off my ability to feel inspiration, passion, all the things that lead me back to the page. Because the issue isn’t just feeling numb and having to push through the blockage. The issue is that with this numbness comes a kind of vortex of darkness, a mental and emotional state that removes any ability for me to care about my work. I could go weeks at a time and not write or read a thing, and I wouldn’t care. And sure, sometimes we need to let go of the expectations we set for ourselves, but not indefinitely. Managing my mental health and finding the proper medication must include making sure that I’m not inadvertently smothering my own spirit.

Wellbutrin has de-numbed what Prosac and Zoloft stopped me from feeling. And while that has meant huge boosts in sadness and a lot of crying, it has also meant a newfound motivation for writing and a sharper intuition of creativity and revision. It’s a bit tiring because it feels like my brain moves faster now, and that can lead to irritability, but I genuinely am loving this newfound dedication and focus.

I can’t — I won’t — let the poetry in my veins get watered down again.