Adjustments and Learning to Let Go

Well, as sad as it makes me to write this, I have decided not to pursue a career in teaching.

I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for teachers and educators. The sheer amount of bullshit they have to endure on a daily basis is simply unacceptable. I loved being in the classroom. I loved being around the kids. The teaching part itself was the only thing that kept me holding on as long as I did. But there’s too much other stuff that not only interferes with and impedes teachers’ ability to teach, it also impacts their success as teachers.

Class sizes. They are far, far too big. No teacher should have to handle class sizes of 20 or more students. And yet, that’s exactly what they have to do. Classroom management is next to impossible with one adult not only attempting to teach the curriculum, but also trying to wrangle extremely hyper kids who all have different needs at different times, some of them with behavioral issues that disrupt lessons and potentially make the classroom dangerous.

Teachers need full time assistants in their classrooms every single day of every single school year, and they don’t get it. If they’re lucky, they might get one assistant for an hour or so, and that’s it. Districts keep cutting funding because people keep voting for budgets to be allocated elsewhere. It’s a fucking nightmare. And even though I wanted to be stubborn, wanted to dig in my heels and commit to this career for the sake of the students, I also knew I couldn’t, for the sake of my own mental and emotional wellbeing.

Not to mention, as a substitute, my benefits were practically nonexistent. I was paying $240 a month for preventative care only. That’s one checkup a year and two dental cleanings. Nothing else. I have chronic tendinitis in both of my ankles, and physical therapy for them wasn’t covered. Therapy? Not covered. I’ve been paying $95 out of pocket for a 10 minute meeting with my psychiatrist each month to make sure my meds are still working for me. I need to be in therapy, but that’s not covered.

I tried so hard not to give up on this dream. Teaching is what I’ve wanted to do since I was in elementary school. But when your job makes you break down every morning before work and every day after work, you know it’s time to re-evaluate. So, I’ve been applying to other jobs. I’ve been focusing more on my sequel novel and my social media presence. I’ve been brainstorming ideas for potential YouTube series’ that I might want to start. These are the things that energize me. They fuel me. They push me and excite me. I need a job that will pay my bills and also allow me the time and energy to get these other goals off the ground.

I’ve had some interviews. They’ve gone really well. I’m still applying to other jobs, I’m looking for other opportunities in a lot of different fields, and I know I’ll find something soon. I’m really excited to get there because seriously, y’all, it has been a hard few weeks. I’m holding on, I’m not giving in, I’m not letting this beat me, but it’s getting hard to hold onto hope.

My writing keeps me going. It helps a lot. I’m really excited about this novel. I love watching it develop into what it’s meant to be. I have plans for attending some conventions coming up as a guest, having my own booth, gain some exposure as an independent author. I’m working on my master’s thesis. I’m nearly done with grad school. There are a lot of good things going in my life, and I have to remind myself to look at those or else I’ll drown in the stress and the anxiety. So I’m grateful for the good. I’m grateful for the chance to find a new job that pays better and has actual medical benefits that actually fucking do something for my health and wellbeing. I’m grateful for the people who follow this blog and for the people who have read my novel.

You all don’t realize how much you help keep me going. So, thank you.

That’s my update for now. I’ll keep you all posted!