Jordan Antonacci's Blog, page 67
March 1, 2018
All I See Are Green Lights
“Build me up and break me down–whatever it takes. Coz I love the adrenaline in my veins. I’ll do whatever it takes, coz I love how it feels when I break the chains. Take me to the top, I’m ready for whatever it takes.”
Imagine Dragons, Whatever It Takes
[image error]
From what I’ve learned on this venture through the world, all we really have in life are our dreams. They’re the only things that keep us constantly looking ahead to the future, no matter what mayhem the present holds. They’re the only things that truly keep life filling–because let’s face it: life on its own isn’t always enough. We as people are always looking for a little more; we all have our extracurricular activities and our fixes… Mine?Dreaming to the point of sleepwalking through life–something referred to as Maladaptive Daydreaming
I love my dreams–though sometimes they don’t love me back. I’ve spent the majority of my life chasing them and they just keep running. (They’re pretty good at it too. Must do lots of cardio in their downtime.) Every so often, a red light will appear. When it does, I don’t stop. I don’t slow down. There’s no way I can even think about ever doing such. And neither should anyone else.
[image error]
Listen to this cliche saying and follow your dreams. Follow them like a stalker. Chase them. But be weary when those red lights appear. Crossing through them without looking can leave you black, blue, cut and bruised. Chasing your dreams is something that’ll leave you alone on the icy ground, twisted and desperate–but if you want it bad enough, you’ll get back up and limp yourself onward. Dreams are ruthless like that. They’re merciless and cold. They’ll laugh in your face when you’ve fallen and are ready to give up…but on the other hand, should you catch them, they’re a reward unlike any other. They’ll open doors to new worlds and pave way to the greatest life you can live.
Or so I’ve been told. Or maybe that’s why they’re called “dreams.”
What are my own dreams? As many of you already know, I’m in the process of dying to be a published author. I’ve written three novels: one collects dust on my laptop, one collects dust on Amazon, and the other is being filtered through a third draft. I’ve had a few amazing beta readers helping me out and it’s been quite the journey. I’ve never felt so optimistic, but at the same time I know to always prepare for the worst.
[image error]
Regardless of what happens, I’ll continue chasing till my legs don’t work anymore. Then I’ll crawl till my limbs fall limp and my lungs give out. All I know is that I’ve never wanted anything so bad, and it’s driving me mad.
If you have a dream, follow it till you can catch it and turn it into a reality. Make it an obsession, as I clearly have. Never slow down, and definitely never stop for any red lights. This is your one life; your one shot. Make it count. Do whatever it takes.
Thanks for reading, everyone, and I hope you liked it. Happy Friday Eve by the way 
February 27, 2018
The Rainbow After The Storm
For the first time in what’s felt like ages, the smoke-like grey clouds have begun to part, and rays of light have started to beam through. And in that mix of rain and light, I see a rainbow. The clouds aren’t completely gone, and the rain is still coming down, but the light is signaling hope–hope that everything will soon be clear, and the skies blue again.
[image error]
We all have rough patches in life; some of which we’re unsure we’ll make it through. These last few months have been a bittersweet, blissful type of hell. This last week has been straight-up hell. It’s like everything and everyone in the world all ganged up and went against me at once. Everything was falling apart around me, and those I needed just ran.
I was truly at rock bottom… Actually, fuck rock bottom. I was sunken down to the bottom of the ocean, buried beneath all the fish carcasses, bones and shit. Honestly, it seemed like that was it for me. Then my family came along. They breathed enough air into me for me to find the strength to pull myself from beneath it all. And right now, I’m on my way to the surface, hoping to soon breathe again on my own.
If I Rise
This winter has been dark
And I don’t mean to point blame
but the darkest part
was that sunny day–
the day you ripped out my heart
I’ve never felt such pain
And what made it worse
was the way you walked away
So easy, without a word
Not one thing to say
Not a thing to say
I fell for you
Smacked the ground hard
A heart in two
and all of me apart
You promised me forever
but forever ended quick
Now you’re saying “never.”
and our story’s at an end
Is this where we say “Goodbye”?
Doesn’t it matter how hard I tried?
No. I guess your feelings have died
Drowned in the pathetic and salty rivers I’ve cried
And though it still seems dark
and the rain still pours
the clouds have begun to part
revealing all the colors
I just wish I couldn’t feel
because even when the storm’s through
I’ll look at where I’ve healed
and always have a scar to remind me of you
[image error]
Thanks for reading!
-Jordan Antonacci
Twitter: @misterhushhush
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jordananton...
The Feeling of You
Warning: This post contains very sexy content. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, you naughty thing you 
February 26, 2018
Purge Your Life
From time to time, us humans, we mess up. Maybe it’s not even us; maybe it’s just that we’re cursed and followed by a black cloud of bad luck. Maybe we’re just constantly harassed by some miserable $&@! who only wants to make us feel like them. Regardless, for whatever reason, we find ourselves looking around and really wishing life had a reset button. Honestly, it happens too often. …Right? Doesn’t it? Or is that just me? I don’t know. And I hate to be the one to tell you something you already know, but life doesn’t have a fucking reset button.
[image error]
It’s a sad truth really, knowing there’s no go-to button we can press for a quick restart like we do with our electronic devices. We can, however, give our lives a sort of detox. A cleanse, a purification or baptism. A purge.
Maybe you’re going through a separation of sorts, maybe you’ve recently been fired, or maybe you just didn’t have time to make coffee this morning and your whole life feels like it’s been completely derailed. (Been there!)
To help exemplify the meaning of this post, I’m going to use a scene from my favorite TV series, “Hannibal.” In the show, we see Hannibal “the cannibal” Lecter living a happy and successful yet lonely life. Then he meets FBI profiler Will Graham–someone who can get inside Hannibal’s mind and empathize with him. Someone who understands him. Hannibal lets Will in, revealing his true nature and making himself vulnerable, all the while, trusting Will. Hannibal wants a relationship; Will wants Hannibal caught. In the end, hurt by the betrayal, Hannibal attempts to murder everyone he let get too close to him, including Will. Afterwards, Hannibal walks out into the rain, letting it wash away all the blood from the broken relationships and pain from the bad memories. In that moment, Hannibal is letting the rain baptize him and cleanse his life up till that point. Then, he gets on a plane, moves across the world, changes his name, and starts a new life. Never again would he allow anyone to get so close. Never again would the monster make himself so vulnerable.
[image error]
I can’t help but feel such a strong connection to Hannibal in that episode. Too often, I too would like to do the same thing. I don’t know that I’d murder everyone I have a relationship with, but hopefully you get the symbolism.
Restarting:
Move
Get a new hobby
Break bad habits (drinking, smoking, gambling, etc.)
Remove yourself from toxic relationships and the presence of toxic people in general.
Change your appearance.
Start a new diet and go to the gym. Focus on your health.
Get a new job
Sit down in the quiet. Take a deep, slow breath. Breathe and think. Where are you? Where do you want to go? How are you going to get there? And what’s in your way?
See, I myself am experiencing quite a few negative events in life that’re making me want to restart; the most painful of which being a breakup. I suppose in a way, I’m in the process of a restart:
I’ve cleaned profusely, making sure to get the smell of you out of my sheets and all your stray hairs off my floor. I’ve put away all your pictures and notes, returned all your clothes, changed your name in my phone… I go to the gym more and write later just to keep myself busy so I don’t have to lay in bed alone with my deafening thoughts. Talking to new people just feels fake and when I go out, I feel like I’m carrying around a dead body. I’ve gone the extra 20 miles but you’re still here, like some unwelcome ghost; I guess cause you’re still in my head. Sadly, my mind is something I can’t seem to wipe clean. I’m something of a memory hoarder, and right now I’m drowning in you.
[image error]
My apartment lease will be up soon. I’m thinking of moving to California to live by my family. I hate the thought of being so far from you, I really do. But I also hate the thought of being so close to you and not being able to do anything about it. Not being able to have you.
Would you miss me if I left? Would you even care?
What about you all? What are some things you do when you feel like hitting life’s restart button?
Thanks for reading!
-Jordan Antonacci
Twitter: @misterhushhush
February 22, 2018
All we had is gone now.
“I remember years ago, someone told me I should take
caution when it comes to love.
I did.”
Let’s be honest
I was never
what you really wanted.
You never loved me
the way that I
loved you.
Did you even cry
remembering our shared time?
Foreshadowing our lives?
Everything left behind?
Did you even shed a tear
the moment we said “Goodbye”?
One day you loved me.
The next, you didn’t care.
One second, you’re hugging me.
The next, you’re not there.
[image error]
“Tell them I was happy
and my heart is broken.
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be impossible.”
I’d never felt
such emotion.
Pierced me deep;
deeper than any ocean.
Now all our potential
has been laid to rest
and I miss you, Babe.
That I must confess.
Maybe in a new life
we could be perfect.
At the dawn of a new day
we could part the curtains.
Your pictures are put away;
I’ve taken it all down.
Can’t stand to see your face.
In these tears, I drown.
I’ve never felt so…
oh so weak.
I awake from dreams
searching for you in my sheets.
But you’re gone,
and now all I have
are fucking love songs
and what could’ve been.
Thanks for reading!
-Jordan Antonacci
Twitter: @misterhushhush
PS. Checkout my previous post, Tackling the Impossible
February 21, 2018
I’ll Be A Killer Whale When I Grow Up
When I look into the mirror,
my reflection–
it’s no longer me.
My thoughts no longer
sound like mine.
There’s something ugly
that’s happening inside.
More malignant than
a cancer.
More malicious than
a monster.
And with the hunger of
a thousand starving lions.
A feeling like
when a star explodes
and turns into a black hole,
devouring anything,
everything,
surrounding it. Whole.
I’ll be a monster, clenching my jagged jaws over the captured.
I’ll be a killer whale, when I grow up.
Wintersleep, Orca
This winter has been cold.
Coldest I’ve ever known.
But the cold I feel is one that
no winter could ever hold.
One that pierces like a knife
and sends shivers through my bones.
I’ve been here so long,
this place feels like home.
Days are short and grey.
Nights are long and black.
It seems to always rain
in this world that I live in.
I’ll be a forest fire about to flood over an empire.
I’ll be a killer whale when I grow up.
I’ll be a monster.
Troubles have swallowed me up
and spit me out.
and the world is fucked,
because I’ll never be the same now.
Who I was
is six feet deep.
The me that you see
has no blood left to bleed.
No tears left to stream.
No feelings that can grieve.
Upon this world,
havoc I will wreak.
Thank you for reading.
-Jordan Antonacci
Twitter: @misterhushhush
February 19, 2018
The Breakup
Maybe I should’ve ended it a long time ago. Everyone told me so and I should’ve listened. When the threads were so close to breaking, I should’ve cut them instead of holding on with everything. I should’ve followed my gut and accepted that nothing was going to change. Let’s face it: I was the only one in this relationship.
The ladybugs are dead.
[image error]
Readers: I’m pissed. I finally open myself up and this is what I get. My relationship with this woman has put me through some blissful hell. Now that it’s ended, I need to vent. I’m beyond pissed, and I want the whole fucking world to know it.
I’m holding onto pieces of us that I just can’t let go. I know this is a desperate kind of love, but it feels like it’s home.
-NF, Wait
I want to take a quick trip through the minefield that was our relationship. Tell me if you remember any of this.
Do you remember…
When you first told me your ex still lived with you? Remember how understanding I was? We got further in our relationship and you promised he’d be moving out soon. Months passed, and he never left, and you never seemed at all eager to get him out. Why didn’t I just get the picture and leave then?
When you kept changing my name in your phone so you could hide our relationship from everyone in your family as well as your live-in ex? Oh, it’s so funny now that I think back to it. You’d change my name repeatedly then get mad at me for asking why you did that. Ha-Ha…
When you’d make me drop you off down the street from your house because you didn’t want your ex to know you were out with me? You said you just wanted to avoid drama. That would’ve made sense if you could’ve at least told him about us…
Do you remember that one morning you made me drive to your house at 6 AM? I got there but you told me I had to leave because your ex woke up. I kept my anger in silence but you got mad at me anyway just because you knew I was mad. Seriously… Why the hell did I stay?
When you went to a work party and took your ex instead of me?
When you went out with your family and took your ex instead of me? You were actually going to go to a club with him but settled on a restaurant instead. How nice.
Do you remember how we couldn’t ever talk once you got home from work because your ex was there and you didn’t want him to know we were talking?
How about when you decided to go and tell your ex that you were done with me and wanted to try again with him? We were deep in our relationship at this point and you had told me you wanted nothing to do with him. Why do I want to smack myself right now?
Oh my goodness… Do you remember our first New Year’s together? I came back early from visiting my family so I could spend it with you. Once midnight hit, you sat quietly on your phone, texting everyone in your contacts Happy New Years before even telling me. Then you sat there bitter cause your ex wasn’t texting you back. I finally said something and you mumbled “Happy New Years” without even looking at me. Our entire night was ruined, and, of course, you were mad at me for whatever reason.
Remember our first Valentine’s Day? I made all those plans and was so excited, then you canceled last minute cause you wanted to go home. You later told me you were in a bad mood cause that was the day your ex asked you to marry him. We made plans to celebrate on another day—but once that day came around, you blew me off and went to a club to dance with some other guy, then lied to me about going, then got pissed at me because I found out you went. After blowing off all my calls, you finally called back at 2 AM and put me on speaker phone so your friends could hear how mad I was. I literally just laughed out loud.
What about when you deleted all those blog posts you wrote about me because your ex found them and started reading them? You clearly don’t understand what those posts meant to me. Clearly, keeping your love for me a secret is more important…
Remember how you weren’t able to commit to us until your ex finally moved out? You were so devastated; the commitment didn’t last long before you became cold and distant. No longer did we kiss or hold hands. No longer did we talk or even enjoy each other’s presence. That’s when I finally accepted that you weren’t over your ex. That’s when I finally accepted and that we couldn’t be.
She told me that I’m not enough
And she left me with a broken heart
She fooled me twice and it’s all my fault
She cut too deep, now she’s left me scarred
To say I was patient and understanding is an understatement. All I ever wanted to do was make you happy. I wanted to take you away from that whole situation and give you something new, for both you and your girls. I shed so many tears and went through so much hurt. Spent our entire relationship feeling like I was second, and I wonder if you even took my feelings into consideration. Then again, maybe it’s best you don’t. No one should ever feel like this.
What’s worse is that half of this stuff you haven’t even said sorry for. Most of the time you’ve just flipped it all around on me and somehow made me out to be the bad guy. Crazy how I actually felt like I’d done something wrong…
I know I need to move on, so why can’t I? I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss you or think about you. Or that I don’t fantasize about you calling me and telling me you want to start over… But I need to forget you, at least for the time being; because even the thought of all this is just too much for me to handle.
[image error]
So, I’ll be in the backyard digging a hole for all these ladybugs, because the ladybugs are dead.
In case you forgot how much I’ve loved you. How much I do love you.
Thanks for reading.
-Jordan Antonacci
Advertisements
February 18, 2018
The Ladybugs are Dead
Maybe I should’ve ended it a long time ago. Everyone told me so and I should’ve listened. When the threads were so close to breaking, I should’ve cut them instead of holding on with everything. I should’ve followed my gut and accepted that nothing was going to change. Let’s face it: I was the only one in this relationship.
[image error]
Readers: I’m pissed. I finally open myself up and this is what I get. My relationship with this woman has put me through some blissful hell. Now that it’s ended, I need to vent. I’m beyond pissed, and I want the whole fucking world to know it.
I’m holding onto pieces of us that I just can’t let go. I know this is a desperate kind of love, but it feels like it’s home.
-NF, Wait
I want to take a quick trip through the minefield that was our relationship. Tell me if you remember any of this.
Do you remember…
When you first told me your ex still lived with you? Remember how understanding I was? We got further in our relationship and you promised he’d be moving out soon. Months passed, and he never left, and you never seemed at all eager to get him out. Why didn’t I just get the picture and leave then?
When you kept changing my name in your phone so you could hide our relationship from everyone in your family as well as your live-in ex? Oh, it’s so funny now that I think back to it. You’d change my name repeatedly then get mad at me for asking why you did that. Ha-Ha…
When you’d make me drop you off down the street from your house because you didn’t want your ex to know you were out with me? You said you just wanted to avoid drama. That would’ve made sense if you could’ve at least told him about us…
Do you remember that one morning you made me drive to your house at 6 AM? I got there but you told me I had to leave because your ex woke up. I kept my anger in silence but you got mad at me anyway just because you knew I was mad. Seriously… Why the hell did I stay?
When you went to a work party and took your ex instead of me?
When you went out with your family and took your ex instead of me? You were actually going to go to a club with him but settled on a restaurant instead. How nice.
Do you remember how we couldn’t ever talk once you got home from work because your ex was there and you didn’t want him to know we were talking?
How about when you decided to go and tell your ex that you were done with me and wanted to try again with him? We were deep in our relationship at this point and you had told me you wanted nothing to do with him. Why do I want to smack myself right now?
Oh my goodness… Do you remember our first New Year’s together? I came back early from visiting my family so I could spend it with you. Once midnight hit, you sat quietly on your phone, texting everyone in your contacts Happy New Years before even telling me. Then you sat there bitter cause your ex wasn’t texting you back. I finally said something and you mumbled “Happy New Years” without even looking at me. Our entire night was ruined, and, of course, you were mad at me for whatever reason.
Remember our first Valentine’s Day? I made all those plans and was so excited, then you canceled last minute cause you wanted to go home. You later told me you were in a bad mood cause that was the day your ex asked you to marry him. We made plans to celebrate on another day—but once that day came around, you blew me off and went to a club, then lied to me about going, then got pissed at me because I found out you went. I literally just laughed out loud.
What about when you deleted all those blog posts you wrote about me because your ex found them and started reading them? You clearly don’t understand what those posts meant to me. Clearly, keeping your love for me a secret is more important…
Remember how you weren’t able to commit to us until your ex finally moved out? You were so devastated; the commitment didn’t last long before you became cold and distant. No longer did we kiss or hold hands. No longer did we talk or even enjoy each other’s presence. That’s when I finally accepted that you weren’t over your ex. That’s when I finally accepted and that we couldn’t be.
She told me that I’m not enough
And she left me with a broken heart
She fooled me twice and it’s all my fault
She cut too deep, now she’s left me scarred
To say I was patient and understanding is an understatement. All I ever wanted to do was make you happy. I wanted to take you away from that whole situation and give you something new, for both you and your girls. I shed so many tears and went through so much hurt. Spent our entire relationship feeling like I was second, and I wonder if you even took my feelings into consideration. Then again, maybe it’s best you don’t. No one should ever feel like this.
I know I need to move on, so why can’t I? I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss you or think about you. Or that I don’t fantasize about you calling me and telling me you want to start over… But I need to forget you, at least for the time being; because even the thought of all this is just too much for me to handle.
[image error]
So, I’ll be in the backyard digging a hole for all these ladybugs, because the ladybugs are dead.
In case you forgot how much I’ve loved you. How much I do love you.
Thanks for reading.
-Jordan Antonacci
Advertisements
I Fall Apart
How can something that begins so beautifully suddenly end in such chaos?
If you’ve been following me on here for awhile, then chances are you’ve followed my transition from a boy who didn’t believe in love to a boy who was drowning in it. It’s been a long road–smooth at some points, bumpy at others–, but today, that road seems to have reached its end.
[image error]
In life, we fall in love. It’s one of those falls we can’t seem to help–like the ground is ripped from beneath our feet without warning and there’s nothing for us to grab onto. I fell hard for this girl. Harder than I ever have. And I didn’t try stopping or even slowing the fall either, because I trusted her. But today, I smacked into the concrete hard. As I spit out blood and teeth, I struggle to stand on these broken bones.
I’m not going to say it’s her fault, though. If I could go back, I wouldn’t stop myself from falling, even after knowing the pain of impact. This girl is special to me. IS. Always will be. She introduced me to feelings I never thought possible. It was like she took my dreams and unfolded them in real life. She opened the casket and revived a piece of me I thought was dead and gone. She showed me love. What it is to love and what it is to be loved. Because of that, she’ll always hold a special page in the book of my life…and I’ll keep that page bookmarked.
This hurts. I’ve heard emotion pain can be worse than physical. I can believe that. It’s just, I can’t get out of my head. Being a writer, this is the place I’m always at, and right now, the walls of this Memory Palace are twisted with pictures of her. She’s everywhere and I can’t bring myself to tear the pictures down. Now that it’s over, I keep trying to remember the bad times so I can remind myself why this is for the best, but all I see are the memories of our good times.
And Jesus, they were good…
When everything was good, it was perfect. Couldn’t have been better. All the nonstop laughing and cheeky grins. All the jokes and insiders. All the plans and the dreams…all the love…
Do you miss me
the way that I
miss you?
In the beginning,
our love, it
was something beautiful. New.
Together, we
watched as
our relationship bloomed
Back then we were
one
Today, we’re
two
Now the blossom is dead
and there’s nothing I can do
The flower, it is
black and withered
like my heart when I
think of you
I just pray that you’re
thinking of me too.
[image error]
Whatever. It is what it is. I feel like I’ve hurt and cried enough in this relationship for a lifetime, and I’m not about to continue. Broken bones or not, I’m standing and limping forward, disfigured heart and all. She has a club to go to tonight and I have a 2nd draft of my book to finish. Life goes on.
We used to talk like best friends. I remember that. I guess I don’t know what happened to us. Now you’ve got me questioning what trust is. Told me you have feelings, now you’re trying to tell me that it’s not true. I don’t have a clue who I’m looking at right now, but I know the person I’m looking at is not you.
Thanks for reading.
-Jordan Antonacci
P.S.
I’m not a fan of this fat hillbilly, but I do love this song. It’s helping me a lot. Word by word, exactly how I feel.
Advertisements
