Jordan Antonacci's Blog, page 70

My Girlfriend, My Destinee

Love:

strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another

|Destinee|

What is it about you, my sweet, sweet Destinee?

What is it that keeps me so nervous every time before we meet–like our first meet is set on repeat?

What is it about you that keeps this fluttering inside? Butterflies through the day and night because I’ve constantly got you on my mind.

What is it that keeps you in my head? That keeps me so eager to see you and beyond happy to be your man?

Is it those blue eyes, more vast than the skies and deeper than the deepest oceans?

Is it those dimples there in your grin? For hours, I’ll try to make you laugh just so I can see them again.

Is it your cute little button nose and the way you look so much like Cindy Lou Who?

There’s too many things… But what I do know, is that I always miss you

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Is it that dream-like scent you leave on my pillow?

Your hairs I find around my apartment?

Your name popping up on my cellphone?

The way you put a heart in someone so heartless?

Is it the way we smile at each other and can’t stop

That makes my time without you feel lost?

Is it the way you hug me?

Or the way you do everything you can to show that you really do love me?

All I know, is when I’m laying with you at night

Just you and I

It’s the only time I truly feel alive

The only time I’m certain of what I feel inside

I never want to see sunrise

And I never want those moments to die

I just want to be with you Destinee, my destiny

And never, ever, say goodbye

This Internal Bleed.

“I’ve done tried it all, tried it all… I can’t stop this internal bleed. Now my heart is leaking, heart is leaking out. And it hurts me.”

–Kid Cudi, Internal Bleeding

Ladies, gentlemen:

I have a problem. And that problem is me.

Do you ever look around, find that everything is okay, but also find that you feel like you’re free-falling with a noose around your neck? You don’t know when, but there’s a feeling of impending doom that says any moment now, you’re about to snap.

CRACK!

Every so often, I’ll feel like this…but it usually passes quick. Lately though, it’s been lingering–like the stagnant and suffocating smoke from a burning city. And the flames just won’t die. So…what’s wrong here? A lack of sleep? Something in my diet? Something in my head?

Right now, it’s all the above. I’ve realized I feel like this during moments of helplessness. When everything is even just a bit beyond my ability to control. Right now I’m dealing with a situation I won’t get into–but it’s eating me away inside. It’s an itch I can’t scratch and it’s driving me fucking crazy. I want to be able to do something about this but I can’t, and it’s sending me into a hole. I hardly even recognize myself anymore.

“Things get crazy and I feel I’m losing my mind, and I don’t know what to do. I’m going insane and I really don’t know why…”

–Kid Cudi, Red Eye

It seems that with an increased happiness comes along an increased hurt.

Why is that? (This is why I hate caring so much)

Nothing is free. Even when it seems so. Everything comes with a price and a potential for disaster. The more we get, the happier we are, but the more we have to lose. I guess what we ultimately have to do is decide if the happiness is worth the potential disasters. It’s like skating on ice: Everything can be going so swiftly, but you still know the ice could be thinner in some spots. You’re just hoping you can make it over them without falling through and possibly drowning.

*Tugs at collar* Is it getting hot in here?

On top of it all, I seem to be a specialist at strategically messing up anything good. I say things I don’t mean, react in ways I know I shouldn’t, and overthink until nothing becomes something and then something ruins everything. It’s what I do best.

I’m broken.

I’m My Own Worst Enemy

Something I don’t want to be, but something I can’t escape from. So many of the problems in my life radiate out from me, like the ripples in a pond when a rock is dropped in. Should history continue repeating itself, I fear I’ll eventually be my own downfall.

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“You see I’m trapped in my mind, and I know it’s crazy. Hey, it’s not that bad at all…”

–Kid Cudi, Trapped in my Mind

I took a knife to the heart, and though I was able to pull out the blade, the wound has yet to close. Instead, it just keeps leaking. Will I ever be able to stop this internal bleed?

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The Killer in me is the Killer in You

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When I think back to my childhood, I instinctively run to the happier moments. I see me, my mom, and my brother at the park on a summer afternoon, rollerblading and hanging upside down on the monkey bars. I see the rest of my family all squeezing into my grandmother’s cramped, ugly little apartment on Christmas, all opening presents and listening to Christmas music. I see my brother and our friends playing hockey in the street or trying to build a dam at the creek for whatever reason… Those were good moments, when everything was as it should’ve been–even when it wasn’t. But no part of life is all good. Things change. People leave. Memories fade… Nothing lasts forever.

“I used to be a little boy, so old in my shoes. What I choose is my choice. What’s a boy supposed to do? The killer in me is the killer in you, my love.”

-Smashing Pumpkins, Disarm

Our experiences shape us–like water across a rock or a ball of clay being molded by getting tossed about so carelessly. Better yet, like a piece of paper; after it’s been crumpled up, it’ll never really lay flat again. Those wrinkles and creases will always be there, making whatever is written on it that much harder to read.

Some believe we begin life as blank canvases, and it’s our experiences through life which add the colors to make a picture of who we are on that canvas. In the beginning, the colors seem so bright–don’t they? They paint pictures of innocence and purity. But as time progresses, and life does what it does best, those bright colors fade. They’re washed away by the rainy days and covered over with the dark colors the world gives us.

What I worry is that some of our portraits may already be painted by our first breath. What colors get passed down to us? What strokes of the brush have already been made for us without us even knowing?

“Disarm you with a smile. Leave you like they left me here, to whither in denial. The bitterness of one who’s left alone. Oh, the years burn.”

I’ve already done terrible, horrible, unforgivable things in my life–most of which have been committed senselessly and without regret. Most of which no one knows of and I’ll take to my coffin. As a child, I never imagined I’d grow to be this. A lot of what I am today is exactly who I swore I’d never become, back when my bright colors weren’t so weathered away.

And I don’t even know if my portrait is done yet. I guess what I’m ultimately trying to say is…I’m terrified of the colors to come, of the full picture. My abusive biological father just recently killed himself. What colors did he pass to me?

“Inside of me is such a part of you. Oh, the years burn.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYbT9yXVNt4

Thanks for reading

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This is all I have.

Fiction:
1.



the class of literature comprising works of imaginative narration,especially in prose form.

2.


works of this class, as novels or short stories:


detective fiction.




3.


something feigned, invented, or imagined; a made-up story:


We’ve all heard the fiction of her being in delicate health.




4.


the act of feigning, inventing, or imagining.

5.


an imaginary thing or event, postulated for the purposes of argument or explanation.

6.


an allegation that a fact exists that is known not to exist, made by authority of law to bring a case within the operation of a rule of law.

“In the back of my mind, thinking, ‘Am I wasting my time dreaming?’ And I ain’t got no money in my wallet, but I guarantee there ain’t no way that I am going to leave this, cause I need this.”
-NF, All I have

Fiction, for me, is a place of rejuvenation. A place of serenity. It’s a place of calm, no matter what madness is held in that fictionalized world. It’s like the eye of the storm.

These worlds of fiction–they’re places I can always count on to be there, for they’re always with me. Always the first place I retreat to, no matter what issues the real world may be throwing at me. If life is too much, I flee to that safe haven of imagination. If life isn’t enough, I’ll still find myself back there. No matter the troubles, I can always close my eyes and step outside of myself into any of the infinite worlds my vast land of creativity can conjure up. At times when I feel I’m falling–when I feel I have nothing–the world of fiction is all I have.

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“Lazy, is not a character trait of mine–don’t wait in line. This is the common condition of my state of mind.”

Have you ever wanted something so bad that it’s just all you can think about? Regardless of whether you actually want to or not? At first, it falls into your mind as a little seed, maybe undetected in its planting. But as you water it with attention, it grows, wrapping you in all its vines and refusing to let go. No matter what you’re doing, no matter the time of day, it’s always there in the home of your thoughts, knocking away at the door of your attention, begging to be answered.

Open up.

“Is this my calling or not, Father? Maybe I should just not bother; go back to that 9-5, but I am not a quitter, so quit that.”

It’s an obsession. The power of a fucking addiction, and you just can’t stop. Without it, there’s a growling anxiety that can’t be hushed without simply feeding the hunger exactly what it wants.

We all have dreams. We all have goals and desires. We each have an overall place in life we’d like to reach and person we’d like to become. We all have 24 hours in a day and paths before us, whether they’re paved or handmade. And that’s all we need–options and time. From there, it’s all up to us. Every choice is yours.

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Where will you reach? Who will you become?

“Don’t tell me that this isn’t real. Don’t tell me this ain’t how I feel. This is all I have.”

Thanks for reading

Jordan

Sometimes my girlfriend is nice to me. Look for yourself

To Be Human Again

“Chemistry. I’ve heard some people have it–an attraction that can’t be quantified or explained. Is that the reason behind this…loss of control?”

-Dexter

“Just a lost boy throwing a raft to the others.”

That’s all I saw myself as when I first made this blog. This was just some last resort in my overall attempt to connect with someone. Anyone. And it worked. But inside, I was still like this wooden boy trying to be real. Trying, and failing.

I look back over so many of my previous posts:

Why I don’t want to be Happy.

Why I’m Alone,

To the Future Wifey,

Say You Won’t Let Go

They all painted the perfect picture of some romantic lunatic who simply didn’t know how to love.

But I’ve tried. God, I’ve tried so hard.

My relationships were always so acute–ambitious in the beginning with hopes to soar, but never even left the ground. They never lasted more than a few days and were always so superficial. But it’s all I’d ever known, so occasionally I’d stupidly assume something was “real” when I didn’t even know what real was.

And I’m going to be honest with you all: I’ve never been a nice person. Once I realized the relationships I was in weren’t what I was looking for, I’d cut them off, pissed as I went back to the drawing board to find out where I had gone wrong–like some mad scientist with his own heart pinned to the dissection tray.

I eventually gave up my pursuit of something “real.” They say there’s somebody for everybody, but I didn’t believe that shit. I accepted that I was some special, odd little soul destined to be forever alone.

The End.

Till I was blindsided by this gorgeous girl who popped back into my life like a memory from the grave. No lie, in the beginning I was expecting history to repeat itself like a broken r&b record. But when we met for lunch, history didn’t show. In that one hour, I was taken for a roller coaster ride, blown away by some cocktail of emotions I’d never felt before. In that one hour, I felt my cold wooden body slowly become warm with flesh, and I knew this girl was special.

“I wanna hold hands with you. But that’s all I wanna do right now.”

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I can’t get her out of my head. Everywhere I go, she’s there. I can’t wait for her phone calls, or her texts. I can’t wait to just sit and talk with her and see if she’s okay. I genuinely care for this girl in a way I never have with anyone before. I feel things I never thought possible. That “real” feeling came to me when I stopped looking.

Back when I gave up my pursuit, I realized something: I realized that all the failed attempts had taught me what I truly wanted. I was picky though, so I figured if this dream woman was out there somewhere, chances were we’d never into contact. But, just in case, I told myself, “If I do find her…I can’t let go. I won’t let go.”

I’m not letting go, Destinee. 

Touch by touch, day by day, she makes me feel more and more real. She makes me remember what it’s like to be human again.

Thanks for reading

I love you

When the words… I love you were said to me by you… My heart melted… I had been waiting and waiting for you to say it so I could tell you exactly how I felt about you… I had been wanting to say I love you for a little bit… I have never felt this […]

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I love you

When the words… I love you were said to me by you… My heart melted… I had been waiting and waiting for you to say it so I could tell you exactly how I felt about you… I had been wanting to say I love you for a little bit… I have never felt this […]

via I love you

I love you

When the words… I love you were said to me by you… My heart melted… I had been waiting and waiting for you to say it so I could tell you exactly how I felt about you… I had been wanting to say I love you for a little bit… I have never felt this […]

via I love you

I love you

When the words… I love you were said to me by you… My heart melted… I had been waiting and waiting for you to say it so I could tell you exactly how I felt about you… I had been wanting to say I love you for a little bit… I have never felt this […]

via I love you