Jordan Antonacci's Blog, page 69

The Killed Conscience

As I near completion of my first draft for THE KILLED CONSCIENCE, I figured now would be a good time to begin looking for beta readers.

I’ll post a book description later, but right now, I’d really love to hear what everyone thinks of the first chapter and prologue. Feel free to comment below or email me at misterhushhush@gmail.com

 

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Prologue

He felt the trickle of sweat rolling down the sides of his face as he ran. His breaths heavy and labored, yet calm—like some controlled windstorm in his chest. Oh, how badly he wanted to stop, to give his body the rest it ached for. But he couldn’t stop. To stop was to voluntarily take a seat into the electric chair. No, he couldn’t stop just yet. Not when he was so close to his prey.

So, he kept his legs moving. An undying speed. Puffs of white breath in the frigid night’s air as he leapt over fallen tree trunks and swatted away branches. Not far ahead, he could see flickered glimpses of her. She sprinted in the silver moonlight, fighting with everything to push through the suffocating forest. She was quick, but even when he couldn’t see her, he never lost track of her, for her scent left a trail so potent, he followed it with a mouth-watering appetite; a stomach-growling hunger in the pit of him like a roaring thunder rolling through the trees.

She was nearing the outskirts of the forest. The faint glow of a cabin could be seen in the distance like a lighthouse. He sped up. She slowed with every cry and whimper. Her panting grew louder as she heard him approaching quick. She moved as fast as she could… but it wasn’t fast enough.

He came up behind. So close he could see the long black strands of her hair bouncing with the fear in her steps. So close he could hear her panting, feel the heat coming off her. She jumped over a fallen trunk. He jumped over it, arm outstretched, fingers open, reaching. Strands of her hair on the tips of his fingers.

Behind the canopy of overhanging branches, the moon played peekaboo as a blood curdling scream echoed through the trees.

Nature seemed to flee as wildlife went quiet. No one was around, no one came close. But if anyone were around or brave enough to get near, they wouldn’t need to get too close to hear the sound. That horrible and ugly sound. The sound of a racing heart slowing to a stop. The sound of flesh being cut and torn.

And though there was no one around to hear such sounds, there was one unlucky soul, not too far, who’d heard just enough.

 

Chapter 1

 

Two families gathered as tears began to flow.

The sky above Knoxville, Tennessee held a pink and violet hue just over the mountains in the horizon. Warmth from the summer heat faded as the sun retreated behind the Smoky Mountains, giving way to the night and stars. Off in the front yard of a single-story condo on the west side of town, two kids stood facing one another. One was Sebastian Keller; the other, Emily Weathers. Both were ten years old at the time.

“I guess this is where we depart, old friend,” Emily said with a shoulder shrug.

“Yeah… I’ll miss you,” Sebastian replied awkwardly, almost like he was trying to make it sound happy.

“Don’t be sad. You still have Casey,” she said, looking to Casey as he walked up from behind Sebastian, holding a half-eaten pop tart in one hand and a can of lemonade in the other.

He looked from Emily to Sebastian. “What?”

“Code blue,” Sebastian said to Emily in a soft voice.

Emily covered her mouth as she tried not to laugh. “I’m sorry, sir. Do we know you?” she said to Casey.

Casey’s head fell back. “Oh not this again.”

“Okay, okay. We’ll give you a break this time. Don’t get used to it though.”

“I guess I’ll have to since you’re leaving us.”

Sebastian nodded as his eyes fell to the ground.

“Emily, come on now. Time to go,” Emily’s mother called out from the driveway.

“Well, this is it gentlemen.” Emily gave Casey a hug he couldn’t quite return with his hands full. Then she stepped in and put her arms around little Sebastian. She squeezed tight to make up for all the future hugs she wouldn’t be able to reach him for.

“Promise you’ll write me from Texas?”

“Promise. Until we see each other again.” Emily gave Sebastian a kiss on the cheek, then ran for the Uhaul. “Bye,” she shouted without looking back.

Sebastian watched as she ran off to a new life; her long black ponytail bouncing shoulder to shoulder as she did. He held up one hand to wave, and kept the other on his belly, like he was trying to hold onto that fluttering feeling of a million swarming butterflies inside. With Emily gone, he somehow knew he wouldn’t feel it again.

As the truck started, Sebastian stood strong. But as it pulled off, his bottom lip began to quiver. By the time the truck turned the corner and left his sight, his eyes were filled and blurry. Then she was gone. Forever and ever.

Sebastian ran into his house and into his room; he locked the door, buried his face into a pillow, and cried and cried and cried. I’ll never see her again, he thought. Only, he would. And if the two knew of the tragedy that was to unfold when they reconnected fifteen years later, they probably would have done it anyway.

 

They’re short, I know.

Let me know what you think.

misterhushhush@gmail.com

Thanks!

-Jordan Antonacci

 

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Never Forget

Nothing lasts forever–but that doesn’t mean you have to forget.

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Never Forget…

The way you hunted me down on social media and how we couldn’t stop messaging each other on every single one of them: Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Text…. We still do that.

How nervous we both were on that first lunch. But we clicked the split second you got into the passenger seat. You brought out a side to me I honestly didn’t even know still existed. You still bring it out every time we’re together.

The butterflies of that first kiss. The feelings that lingered from it for days to come.

That first night together, when we stayed out until four in the morning, sliding down the slide at the park, playing the piano in front of the shops, taking selfies and driving through our old neighborhood.

All the mornings waking up to each other. Cuddling through the night and holding each other close. At times, I really did check to see if your toes were under the blankets so the monsters wouldn’t get them.

All the nights of us sneaking into the hot tub at one in the morning even though it was thirty degrees outside. How we’d sit there with each other, playing 21 questions and getting to know one another.

Our first fight. You were so excited by it, like it was some milestone in our relationship. I thought it was adorable. But that was the moment I realized I didn’t ever want to lose you. I came back home and wrote a blog post about you that I’d been thinking about the entire car ride. Ladybugs and Destiny

The first time we played “House.” We had stayed up all night, then once it hit 5 am, we made breakfast and you thought it was the cutest thing.

Our first actual date: I picked you up from work. I had dressed up and you loved it. We drove through that huge neighborhood, looking at all the Christmas lights and got hot chocolate. Then I brought you back to the apartment and cooked for you.

The Christmas present I got you. I made you sit out in the hall while I finished setting everything up. You walked in to “Blue” (our song) playing. The lights were low. On the wall I’d posted pictures of us everywhere. Below it was your Kendra Scott necklace, and a jar filled with all the reasons of why I love you.

Your Christmas present to me. You made me sit in the hall too. I’ve never gotten anything so heartfelt in my life. It’s still on my wall and I don’t know if I can ever take it down…

When you picked me up from the airport after 11 whole days of separation. You were so afraid I’d lose feelings for you. You actually came to the gate and waited for me then gave me the biggest smile and hug I’d ever gotten.

The first time I met your kids. We all chased each other down the hall on the way to take out the trash, then laid down watching movies and cartoons. I bought sippie cups for them and Lala wouldn’t stop telling me how I was her favorite person. After that we went to Steak and Shake and everything just felt so right. It all felt so perfect and I didn’t want to let any of it go. Still don’t.

Never forget all our pet names. Wife, baby mama, sugar mama, pumpkin butt…

Never forget the way I helped fuel your fast food addiction.

Never forget our first and only trip to the gym.

Never forget the first time I told you I love you.

Never forget all of our late nights and early mornings in the sheets.

Never forget all of our lunches together.

Never forget all of our fantasies for the future.

Never forget the way that you’ve changed me. Brought me to life. Made me real.

Never forget the way I gave my all for you. The way I’ve tried so hard. I know you’re dealing with some stuff baby girl, but never forget the best of us. Never forget why we started and why we’ve made it this far. Never forget how you felt for me. You said you’ve never felt for anyone like you have for me. Never forget why.

Never forget me.

I love you.

 

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If I Die Before I Wake

Life is so fragile, so fleeting. Every breath has the potential to be our last.

Did I Live?

How many days did I waste as I too withered away? I see all the missed opportunities  flashing before me like a flip-book. I see all the times I was too afraid to jump because of the few times I hit the ground too hard. I should’ve taken that opportunity to study abroad. I should’ve mended those broken relationships when I had the chance. I should’ve called my dying uncle when I could’ve. I should’ve tried.

All the pent up emotions and grudges I kept bottled till they rotted away my insides. All the days I spent dwelling, yelling, crying and dying when I could’ve been living.

I could’ve been living.

“Little ladies, be brave. Take care of your mother, smile pretty for pictures, always cherish each other. I’ll always love you. And I’ll be in the back of your memory, and I know you’ll never forget me. Just don’t get sad when remembering.”

-Eminem, Arose

Did I Matter?

Dad, did I matter to you?

Did anybody see me? I know I’ve always been so closed-off and aloof, but did anyone get to know me at all? Did I even know myself?

Maybe if, when I was younger, I hadn’t been such a quitter, maybe I could’ve accomplished more by now. Maybe then I could’ve made everyone proud. Maybe then I wouldn’t be feeling like I’ve let so many down.

Mama, every time I feel like I’m fucking up, I think back to that summer day when I gave up and stopped trying. I was so mad at you and I don’t know why. Tears filled your eyes as your shaky voice said to me, “I’m so disappointed in you.”

I can hardly even write the words. Just thinking about it makes me cry every time. I’m so sorry, Mom. I’d give it all to just go back to that day and fix everything I did and everything I had said. I’d give it all just to make you proud.

“Girls, please don’t get upset. I see them cheeks soaking and wet as you squeeze hold of my neck so forcibly; don’t want to let me go. Pillow drenched. Emotional wrecks. With every second, each closer to death.”

-Eminem, Arose

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Did I Love?

Did I love hard? With everything I had? Did I jump in with both feet, enjoy the fall and nevermind the impact?

I still dwell on all the times I let my insecurities eat me alive from the inside out. They ate at the very foundation all my relationships stood upon, and I just watched everything crumble. Without a flicker, without a flinch. Hands in my pockets, I watched. So carelessly. So many ways I could’ve done it different.

Dear, sweet Nanny Schean:

Every time I think about this, I think about you. I think about you, Uncle Raye, Uncle Jimmy, Uncle Dennis, Aunt Debbie and Aunt Tissie. Will you all be waiting for me?

Nanny, you were the only one who ever truly knew me and all of my darkest corners. You were the only one who could see me. No one has known or loved me like you and I’m not sure anyone ever will. Please tell me you’ll be waiting there for me.

Destinee, baby: Did you know I loved you? I could never express to you how much, but did you know it was real? Please tell me so. I could never make you feel as gorgeous as you are, but did I make you feel beautiful? All I ever wanted was to make you as complete and happy as you made me. I’ve never felt for anyone the way I’ve felt for you. I’m sorry you’re hurting; it kills me. You’ve been my person, babe. I’ve needed you. I’ve missed you. I love you.

“All I’m trying to say is that life is too short. Though I make mistakes, Baby, I’m trying to make things right. All we’ve got is love, and the time to make it right.”

–Jordan Antonacci

 

(Disclaimer): No, this isn’t what you think. It’s just creative writing. Shh

Only Fools Fall for You

“Oh, our lives don’t collide, and I’m aware of this. We’ve got differences and impulses, and your obsession with the little things: You like stick, I like aerosol. I don’t give a fuck, I’m not giving up, I still want it all. Only fools fall for you.”

-Troye Sivan, Fools

Only fools fall for you

Too insecure

A jealous hush making love a chore

Nothing’s enough

Always looking for something more

Deprived trust

Thinking you don’t deserve love

Nothing’s enough

Always looking for a pointless fuss

You move too fast

Love too hard

Assuming the feeling’s won’t last

Do you even have a heart?

A time-bomb of constant anger

You’re always so mad

So eager to point a finger

But how many point back?

You think too much

Assumption after assumption

You feel too much

But can never feel my love

You make me feel ugly

At times when you try to love me

I just want you to hug me

No longer do you want me?

I can never do right

So I imagine if I left

Every time I try

You dangle me from a cliff

Maybe you don’t

Love me as much

As I love you

But I won’t let go

You’re all I want

And I just wanted you to know

Only fools fall for me.

(I’m sorry baby. I love you. Forever and always )

-Jordan Antonacci

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Only Fools Fall for You

“Oh, our lives don’t collide, and I’m aware of this. We’ve got differences and impulses, and your obsession with the little things: You like stick, I like aerosol. I don’t give a fuck, I’m not giving up, I still want it all. Only fools fall for you.”

-Troye Sivan, Fools

Only fools fall for you

Too insecure

A jealous hush making love a chore

Nothing’s enough

Always looking for something more

Deprived trust

Thinking you don’t deserve love

Nothing’s enough

Always looking for a pointless fuss

You move too fast

Love too hard

Assuming the feeling’s won’t last

Do you even have a heart?

A time-bomb of constant anger

You’re always so mad

So eager to point a finger

But how many point back?

You think too much

Assumption after assumption

You feel too much

But can never feel my love

You make me feel ugly

At times when you try to love me

I just want you to hug me

No longer do you want me?

I can never do right

So I imagine if I left

Every time I try

You dangle me from a cliff

Maybe you don’t

Love me as much

As I love you

But I won’t let go

You’re all I want

And I just wanted you to know

Only fools fall for me.

(I’m sorry baby. I love you. Forever and always )

-Jordan Antonacci

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Trying to Mask Depression

Well, everyone, with Christmas morning less than twenty-four hours away, we’re quickly approaching the peak of the holiday season. And as they all say, “Tis the season to be jolly. Fa lala lala la…la…la…….la…”

He let his head and shoulders drop with a long sigh.

Other get depressed because Christmas appears to be a trigger to engage in excessive self-reflection and rumination about the inadequacies of life (and a “victim” mentality) in comparison with other people who seem to have more and do more.

-Psychology Today

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It’s not that I don’t like this time of the year. Quite the opposite, actually. I love it. Has to be my favorite. But it always seems to bring a bittersweet kind of feeling. On one side, this beautiful holiday reminds us of the importance of family, friends, spirit, and just being together. On the other side, for me, it’s just a constant reminder of something I myself can’t quite seem to grasp like so many others: Joy. Yes, joy–the heart and soul of this here holiday season.

Throughout the year, I spend the majority of my days and nights in a state of neutrality–not good, not bad. I don’t feel like I’m living or dying. I feel dead. Occasionally I’ll have my brief moments of what I think happiness may feel like. More often though, I’ll have my dips into a deep-seated feeling of melancholy. During this time of the year, that low feeling is always made a bit more prominent when I look around and feel like I’m missing a puzzle piece. Obviously, I’d rather not feel that way. I’d like to feel like everyone else. I’d like to feel the missing puzzle piece that is joy and be able to feel whole.

Sadly, that puzzle piece continues to elude me–but that doesn’t mean I won’t still try.

So, what do I do? I fake it. Day after day, night after night, I pretend to feel something I don’t, in hopes that maybe one day I’ll feel it for real.

And I know I’m not the only one out there feeling this way. I know there are others feeling this way at this exact moment. Which leads me to this blog post. I’d like to try and help. Whether it be by helping you to feel less alone or by offering some perspective and useful advice. Consider this my depressing-yet-hopefully-uplifting Christmas present to all of you

Repost: Blessed

She’s my everything, and then so much more

Do you ever look at someone and wonder whats going through their head when they choose to be with you out of millions of people in the world…. Like im a 22 year old woman with two kids and have a crazy exboyfriend… and you want me…. Its just crazy to me how things always […]

via BLESSED — hefferhag95

Pain.

How you handle pain has a lot to do with how it affects you.

Mental Pain: Psychological pain or mental pain is an unpleasant feeling (a suffering) of a psychological, non-physical, origin. A pioneer in the field of suicidology, Edwin S. Shneidman, described it as “how much you hurt as a human being. It is mental suffering; mental torment.”

“But pain’s like water. It finds a way to push through any seal. There’s no way to stop it. Sometimes you have to let yourself sink inside of it before you can learn how to swim to the surface.”

― Katie Kacvinsky

As human beings, we are creatures of emotion. Really, if you think about it, it’s our emotions and how we feel about certain things that ultimately governs how we go about navigating through our day.

Now, we all feel. Even the most ruthless, cold-blooded psychopath imaginable can experience emotions to a very minimal degree (or so I read). We’ve got happiness, sadness, anger, excitement… but of all the emotions, of all the feelings, I doubt there’s a human on this earth that’s more familiar with any of them, than pain.

As Dr. Cuddy from the TV show, House, said, “Pain happens when you care.” Personally, I found it much easier going through life alone and feeling empty. Kind of…. Now that my relationship with Destinee is growing and I’m becoming more passionate about my writing, I feel more full, but I also feel like more is hanging in the balance. The more we have, the happier we are, but the more we have to lose. And that’s terrifying, because everything ends, eventually. Nothing lasts forever. I talked about this a little bit in my previous post, Love Hard.

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Regardless, if you’re in this little thing called “Life,” then you will feel pain. You know that. You’ve felt and endured it up till now, and you’ll continue doing the exact same for the rest of your life. There’s just no way around it. That thought really adds some perspective to the emo groups who carve crap like Life is pain into their arms with razors. Don’t do that.

And while the avoidance of pain is but a never-ending cycle that will eventually catch you, it’s impact is entirely up to you. When life cuts you deep, you need not bleed out. Acknowledge the pain, patch yourself up, then get back up and keep going.

Rafts.

Face the pain head on.

When pain comes, it’s natural to want to get the fuck out of dodge. It’s like a reflex. You see a stick flying at your head, you duck. Most of the time. But why not just get it over with? If you try swallowing it down, then it’ll only come back up later–sometimes making a bigger mess than initially expected. Embrace the feelings. Cry, hit, scream, do whatever you need to do. Just don’t carry it around with you.

“Emotional pain cannot kill you, but running from it can. Allow. Embrace. Let yourself feel. Let yourself heal.”

–Vironika Tugaleva

Turn the pain into fuel.

This is my favorite. Anytime I hurt, it’s typically hard for me to express, which instinctively drives me to some other form of personal expression–art, typically. That’s where I vent and turn my pain into something useful. That’s where I try taking all the doubt and judgement and proving everyone and myself wrong. That’s where I aim to make something of my life.

“This too shall pass.”

Like I mentioned earlier: Nothing lasts forever. When a storm comes, sometimes all you can do is just wait it out. While it can be difficult in the moment, whenever you’re feeling pain, try remembering that it’ll pass. If you’re at rock bottom, then you can only go up from there. Things will get better; you just have to believe it.

Remember who you are.

If you’re feeling pain because of criticism, rejection, etc., you may start feeling insecure. Just remember who you are. Think about all your positive qualities–things you like about yourself. If you have negative ones, think of some ways you’d like to improve, and accept what you can’t change. Think about your hobbies and what it is you enjoy doing that makes you happy. Fucking love yourself, dammit!

Venting and relationships.

It’s nice having people you can trust and fall back on. I’ve never had many friends. They say the wiser you are, the more selective you are with friends. I like to think so. Even still, my mom has always been there to help me and listen. If you feel alone, know there’s always somebody out there willing to help. If you have people, don’t be afraid to vent and open up. If you feel alone, then reach out. There’s more people out there that feel like you then you’d think; I promise.

Although, sometimes it’s hard to vent, and I get that.

“If you hate what’s in your head, the fuck would you speak your mind?”

–Eden, Crash

Remember: How you handle pain has a lot to do with how it affects your mind.

Thanks for reading!

-Jordan

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Love Hard

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To love hard is to love fiercely.

To love hard is to throw out the rule books that give timelines, precursors, and standards.

To love hard is to jump in with both feet.

Loving hard is knowing that true, unconditional love is rare, and may only be touched once in a lifetime…if that.

To love hard is to throw away all the padding, all the barriers, all the railings and safety vests; it’s giving someone a ladder so they can climb over your walls, and it’s giving them a knife while you also give them your back.

To love hard is to give your all to someone. It’s to fall and trust that they will be there to catch you before you smack that pavement.

And loving hard is the only way to love–because if you don’t give it your all, then what’s the point?

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Pain happens when you care. So, you may be thinking, Okay, then I just won’t care. Problem solved. And while it may work for awhile, that’s just not the way to live life. I’m not going to lie: I’ve thought that too. I tried so hard to just stop feeling everything. All my relationships withered away and the few I did have were so superficial they could’ve blown away in the wind. On a few occasions, I let myself slip, fell for someone, and only would up with exactly what I was trying to avoid–pain. And all the while this was happening, I was thinking It’s not worth it. I don’t understand why people do this–it’s just, not, worth it. 

Then that was it.

But I was young. I was taking a vow never to care, and making a big decision with very little information. I was missing something and I didn’t know it, because I hadn’t yet experienced anything like I have now. I hadn’t yet experienced the pierce of Cupid’s arrow, nor this thing called Love.

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But I have now.

I’ve felt the pierce of Cupid’s arrow, and I’ve not only touched this thing called Love–I’ve been hit by it so hard I’ve tasted my own blood. And now I know. Now, I get it. Now I understand why everyone does it–why they allow themselves to fall so hard, knowing there’s a possibility they might not get back up. It’s because once you find someone who’s able to make you feel things you’ve never felt, you do everything you can to hold onto them. As you’re falling, you still know there’s that possibility they might not catch you; and you know the pain is inevitable either way, but you let yourself fall because it’s suddenly all worth it.

I–the boy who pledged to never care–can’t stop falling. Will there be pain? Yes. Pain happens when you care, and I care so much. But will I hit the ground? I know I’ve got her. I just hope she has me.

With Destinee, I love fiercely.

I’ve thrown out the rule books that give timelines, precursors, and standards.

I’ve jumped in with both feet.

I’ve realized that true, unconditional love is rare, and may only be touched once in a lifetime…if that.

With Destinee, I’ve thrown away all the padding, all the barriers, all the railings and safety vests; I’ve given her a ladder so she can climb over my walls, and I’ve given her a knife while also lending her my back.

I give my all. I’ve fallen, and trust she will be there to catch me before I smack the pavement.

Loving hard is the only way to love–because if you don’t give it your all, then what’s the point?

ILoveYouDestinee

Also, I want to say thanks to all my followers who’ve been tagging along this whole blogging journey of mine–it’s been quite the experience. And thanks to each of you for continuing to write such helpful posts.

Your all I think about.

To put it simply: She’s beyond amazing and I feel like the luckiest and happiest guy on this Earth; especially when I’m with her.

hefferhag95

To you my future… the love of my life…. my bestfriend….

You are the one thing i think about 24 hours a day… your the first thing I think about when i wake up and your the last thing i think of when i go to sleep….

When Im not around you i feel so empty inside and all i want to do is talk to you or see you and it kills me when I cant see you… And your leaving in a week and im gunna miss you soooo damn much…

I love you Jordan Trea Antonacci with every bone in my body… your the best thing that has happened to me in a long time… Im so blessed to have found you..

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