Jordan Antonacci's Blog, page 63

Do Re Mi Fa So Fucking Done With You

It’s truly amazing how much we’ll put ourselves through just to try and keep something together that is clearly meant to fall apart; how much hurt we’ll let ourselves endure just to try and prevent the empty company of loneliness. My only question is, why? Why do we do that to ourselves? Why keep running back to something that makes us so angry that we scream; so sad we cry?

Some of you may be wondering, and before you ask, yes, this is about the same person from The Breakup. Why did I keep letting this person back in? Because I’m weak. And I let myself believe in something that didn’t exist.

[image error]

Though a part of me would like to go back and prevent this relationship from ever happening, I know something good can still be pulled from all the smoke and debris: experience. This relationship, as disastrous and destructive as it was, taught me a lot. And what kind of a blogger would I be if I didn’t share what I’ve learned?

Someone Take Me Home

Home is where the heart is. My home–my family–is my everything. Really, it’s funny I say that, because anytime I decide to move, I purposely make the decision to stay living halfway across the US from where my family is. Honestly, I just think there’s more I need to learn on my own, and that’s going to take some time.

One thing I’ve learned, is about home, and I’m going to share it here.

[image error]

They say home is where the heart is. Me being my young, dumb, immature self, I always thought of home as a place. A house. A single stationary destination. But, as I’ve learned, that’s not always the case.

While a city or a building can be a home in a way, the real home is people. A person. Someone you love and who loves you. I realized this after I’d spent years chasing the destination-type-of-home. After my mother’s side of the family passed, I moved back to Tennessee thinking there was still something there for me. Shortly after arriving, I realized that wasn’t so. Instead, all I found were dead memories. My “home” was nothing more than an empty shell of what used to be.

Another place where I’d spent part of my life was in Texas. I knew there were good memories there. Memories of me walking my brother to school and having lunch with my mother on the weekends; memories of working all day and eating dinner with my parents and little brothers afterwards. My heart was aching to move back. It seemed the fact that my family had moved to Cali. didn’t quite register with me. All I could see were those memories.

So, I made the 800 mile trip, and moved back “home.”

Though my happiness survived longer in Texas, it wasn’t long before I realized I’d made the same mistake. My family isn’t here; therefore, neither is my home. All I have are dead memories, broken relationships, and an empty shell of what used to be.

Now, I find myself driving past the houses we all used to live in together. I find myself making more frequent calls to Mom and taking more trips out to visit.

[image error]

I don’t care what anybody says. I’m a Mama’s boy. Big time. At heart, I’m just a child. There’s nothing I love more than being in a house full of family. I love riding bikes with my youngest brother through the suburban neighborhood and getting calls from Mom saying, “It’s time to eat.” I love our trips out to restaurants, our excursions to the beach, and most of all, helping my brother get ready for school in the mornings.

While I could just uproot and go live closer to them, I don’t quite feel like this chapter of my life is over yet. There’s still a few more things I have to do and learn. One day soon though, I’ll actually be home.

“He is happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home.”

-Johann Wolgang von Goethe

Can anybody relate?

Hope everyone survived Monday. More importantly, I hope your coworkers survived!

Thanks for reading

“Don’t you get lonely?”

The other day, I was outside playing basketball–alone–when I was approached by a larger gentleman roughly my age. He had a lot of tattoos and asked if he could shoot with me. Being the introvert I am, I naturally felt inclined to say no. But I must’ve hit my head at some point during the day, because for whatever reason, I said, “Sure.”

(Question: When you’re enjoying your alone time, do you find it annoying when someone interrupts you wanting to talk or hangout? Is that just me? Am I that much of an introvert?)

While we were shooting some basketball, I took it upon myself to spark up a conversation. You know–as if simply hanging out with someone wasn’t weird enough for me. During our little bit of small talk, I learned the guy had just recently returned home after spending several years in prison. He said he’s been living with family but wants to start living on his own soon. When he learned that I live on my own, 1,600 miles away from family, his first question was, “Don’t you get lonely?”

[image error]

What’s left of my family moved to California when I was 18, and I stayed in good ol’ Texas. I’ve been happily (most of the time) on my own for six years now, so I’ve gotten that question quite a bit. I’ve realized my response is always the same: I’ll shrug and say “Eh…”

Do I get lonely? Of course I do. Humans are a species meant to communicate. We all want to feel wanted and accepted and that can be hard when your home is in a faraway land and you’re not exactly the outgoing type. I do get lonely. At times, incredibly so. But I’m really not lonely as often as you may think. Things were much worse in the beginning. Allow me to explain.

Before leaving to Cali, Dad–my supportive, motivating, tough-loving father–, told me, “You either sink, or you swim.” Long story short, despite my confidence in my doggy paddling capabilities, I sank. Like a rock. Straight to the bottom. But it was what needed to happen, because though swimming back to the surface for air was difficult, it taught me to swim well. It pushed me to my limits and helped me discover strengths I didn’t know I had.

“Sometimes you need to take a break from everyone and spend time alone to experience, appreciate, and love yourself.”

– Robert Tew

One thing I learned in the process was that you have to adapt. If you endure something long enough, you learn how to adjust.

Nowadays, I find anything BUT loneliness to be a struggle. The way I see it, people, relationships–they just slow me down. I have routines, hobbies, habits…. Most importantly though, I have dreams. These dreams are my obsessions, and I seem to always be chasing them. Through my time of being alone, I’ve developed this lone wolf mentality, and I guess that’s what keeps me going. But, like I said, I do still get lonely.

The best advice I can give to anyone regarding loneliness (whether you’re living on your own or just feeling alone in general), is to embrace the loneliness. You’re going to have moments in life when you feel alone. That’s inevitable. The worst thing you can do is run from it. That doesn’t solve anything. Honestly, for me, the best things come from being alone. That’s when I have time for self-reflection and to do what’s best for me. Next time you feel lonely, don’t run from it. Instead, face it head on and see what you can’t make from it. Embrace it. Endure and adapt. Learn to swim.

[image error]

How do you deal with loneliness? Let me know in the comments

“Don’t you get lonely?”

The other day, I was outside playing basketball–alone–when I was approached by a larger gentleman roughly my age. He had a lot of tattoos and asked if he could shoot with me. Being the introvert I am, I naturally felt inclined to say no. But I must’ve hit my head at some point during the day, because for whatever reason, I said, “Sure.”

(Question: When you’re enjoying your alone time, do you find it annoying when someone interrupts you wanting to talk or hangout? Is that just me? Am I that much of an introvert?)

While we were shooting some basketball, I took it upon myself to spark up a conversation. You know–as if simply hanging out with someone wasn’t weird enough for me. During our little bit of small talk, I learned the guy had just recently returned home after spending several years in prison. He said he’s been living with family but wants to start living on his own soon. When he learned that I live on my own, 1,600 miles away from family, his first question was, “Don’t you get lonely?”

[image error]

What’s left of my family moved to California when I was 18, and I stayed in good ol’ Texas. I’ve been happily (most of the time) on my own for six years now, so I’ve gotten that question quite a bit. I’ve realized my response is always the same: I’ll shrug and say “Eh…”

Do I get lonely? Of course I do. Humans are a species meant to communicate. We all want to feel wanted and accepted and that can be hard when your home is in a faraway land and you’re not exactly the outgoing type. I do get lonely. At times, incredibly so. But I’m really not lonely as often as you may think. Things were much worse in the beginning. Allow me to explain.

Before leaving to Cali, Dad–my supportive, motivating, tough-loving father–, told me, “You either sink, or you swim.” Long story short, despite my confidence in my doggy paddling capabilities, I sank. Like a rock. Straight to the bottom. But it was what needed to happen, because though swimming back to the surface for air was difficult, it taught me to swim well. It pushed me to my limits and helped me discover strengths I didn’t know I had.

“Sometimes you need to take a break from everyone and spend time alone to experience, appreciate, and love yourself.”

– Robert Tew

One thing I learned in the process was that you have to adapt. If you endure something long enough, you learn how to adjust.

Nowadays, I find anything BUT loneliness to be a struggle. The way I see it, people, relationships–they just slow me down. I have routines, hobbies, habits…. Most importantly though, I have dreams. These dreams are my obsessions, and I seem to always be chasing them. Through my time of being alone, I’ve developed this lone wolf mentality, and I guess that’s what keeps me going. But, like I said, I do still get lonely.

The best advice I can give to anyone regarding loneliness (whether you’re living on your own or just feeling alone in general), is to embrace the loneliness. You’re going to have moments in life when you feel alone. That’s inevitable. The worst thing you can do is run from it. That doesn’t solve anything. Honestly, for me, the best things come from being alone. That’s when I have time for self-reflection and to do what’s best for me. Next time you feel lonely, don’t run from it. Instead, face it head on and see what you can’t make from it. Embrace it. Endure and adapt. Learn to swim.

[image error]

How do you deal with loneliness? Let me know in the comments

I Need a Woman

[image error]

Girls my age–

they only seem to want to play

Game after game

then everything gets

thrown away

But…

I don’t want a girl

I want a woman who’ll stay

Fix it if it breaks

and knows how to

communicate

No, I don’t want a girl

I want a woman that can give

trust and respect

without me having to ask

I said I want a woman

Not some brat

that’ll come over to visit

and just sit on Snapchat

I need a real woman

A sense of independence

Someone with a vision

and no interest in quittin

I don’t want a girl

I want a woman who is

Trusting

Who knows how to

Love me

Who knows how to

Fuck me

I am in need

of something real

A solid ground off which

I can build

Not some dream, or a

fairytale

No, I am in need

of something I can feel

But…

Girls my age–

they only seem to want to play

Game after game

then everything gets

thrown away

Hope everyone’s having a great week so far! Seems like it’s going by a bit too fast if you ask me.

By the way, can anybody relate to this post???

Thanks for reading!

-Jordan Antonacci

Twitter: @misterhushhush

I Need a Woman

[image error]

Girls my age–

they only seem to want to play

Game after game

then everything gets

thrown away

But…

I don’t want a girl

I want a woman who’ll stay

Fix it if it breaks

and knows how to

communicate

No, I don’t want a girl

I want a woman that can give

trust and respect

without me having to ask

I said I want a woman

Not some brat

that’ll come over to visit

and just sit on Snapchat

I need a real woman

A sense of independence

Someone with a vision

and no interest in quittin

I don’t want a girl

I want a woman who is

Trusting

Who knows how to

Love me

Who knows how to

Fuck me

I am in need

of something real

A solid ground off which

I can build

Not some dream, or a

fairytale

No, I am in need

of something real

But…

Girls my age–

they only seem to want to play

Game after game

then everything gets

thrown away

Hope everyone’s having a great week so far! Seems like it’s going by a bit too fast if you ask me.

By the way, can anybody relate to this post???

Thanks for reading!

-Jordan Antonacci

Twitter: @misterhushhush

Solitude

“If you want to be an artist, if you want it more than anything else in this world, then you have to spend a lot of time alone.” – Cristian Mihai

Being someone who thrives in solitude, I have to say that this post is extremely accurate and paints a vivid picture of the beauty in isolation.

irevuo

“Alone, even doing nothing, you do not waste your time. You do, almost always, in company. No encounter with yourself can be altogether sterile. Something necessarily emerges, even if only the hope of some day meeting yourself again.” – Emil Cioran

It’s my honest belief that people aren’t built to be alone. Most people can’t stand silence. The world grows noisier and faster every day. We rarely stop and look around, we rarely try to spend time alone, to figure things out for ourselves.

“Why?” is the one question that makes us more human than any other, and we’ve stopped asking it. We don’t care.

But artists are different.

View original post 806 more words

If You Want Love

[image error]

You won’t find The One

while out looking to hookup

While out looking to get drunk

While out looking to…

You won’t find The One

while recycling the past

By waking up the dead

praying it’ll live at last

You won’t find The One

by forcing it to fit

A suffocating love

is no way to live

Those are The Ones

that’ll leave you cut

Lost on a battlefield

struggling to stand up

When you find The One

a part of you will know

Heartbeats like drums

Time racing slow

It may reek of danger

like staring into a gun

Breathe in the sulfur

Resist the urge to run

With both feet, jump

Surrender all of your heart

If you want real love

you have to love hard

If you want trust

you may have to give it first

Open yourself up

and risk getting hurt

If you’re looking for The One

you may have to wait

because the truest of love

isn’t won in a race

There are no wasted experiences in life. Something can be taken from everything.

Thanks for reading

If You Want Love

[image error]

You won’t find The One

while out looking to hookup

While out looking to get drunk

While out looking to…

You won’t find The One

while recycling the past

By waking up the dead

praying it’ll live at last

You won’t find The One

by forcing it to fit

A suffocating love

is no way to live

Those are The Ones

that’ll leave you cut

Lost on a battlefield

struggling to stand up

When you find The One

a part of you will know

Heartbeats like drums

Time racing slow

It make reek of danger

like staring into a gun

Breathe in the sulfur

Resist the urge to run

With both feet, jump

Surrender all of your heart

If you want real love

you have to love hard

If you want trust

you may have to give it first

Open yourself up

and risk getting hurt

If you’re looking for The One

you may have to wait

because the truest of love

isn’t won in a race

 

There are no wasted experiences in life. Something can be taken from everything.

Thanks for reading

The Perfect Girl

The perfect girl

The perfect girl

May she only exist

in my dream world

I’ll never see her

Never meet her

She’ll always remain

some fictional creature

Or so I thought…

I smelled you first

before I saw you

You carried a stack

of books in your hands

A few paperbacks

James Patterson

You walked right past

Not a glance my way

Then you sat

a few tables away

As you read

I decided to write

but I just couldn’t get

you out of my mind

Your long brunette hair

hanging just past your shoulders

Natural and fair

I thought, I need to know her

Then finally, our

eyes locked

A shy smile

A need to talk

After that, you then

came to sit close

Hours of conversation

about books and poems

About places we

wanted to go

And in that moment, I

knew I couldn’t let go

The hour grew late

and you had to get home

But I just wanted you to stay

so I pulled out my phone

I asked you on a date

and you said “Yes”

with a blush in your face

I’ll never forget

I picked you up

A connection and a rush

Deep inside, a fear

of falling in love

We drove to the park

ate by the water

Opened to me, your heart

and every falter was art

Rarely did we fight

A few bickers, yes

But we’d always make it right

before going to bed

You understood me

Frustrating ways I may be

All my insecurities

and the way I overthink

Instead of getting mad

You put my mind at ease

Love and trust

Please don’t ever leave

But then one night

before we kissed

Everything in sight

began to slip

The whole Earth

began to fade

Like smoke in the wind

it blew away

It only got worse

coz you too babe

were replaced with hurt

when I began to wake

I looked around

Felt my heart scream

when you couldn’t be found

in my reality

The perfect girl

The perfect girl

May she only exist

in my dream world

[image error]

Hello