Brené Brown's Blog, page 31

hello may! ordinary courage e-course + a 2-day event in boulder!

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Join us for our first and only 2012 Ordinary Courage e-course! I like to call it Gremlin Ninja Warrior training - it's all about recognizing the gremlins that keep us feeling small and "less than" and letting them go! 

Learn about the power of owning our story and the path that unfolds when we decide to cultivate shame-resilience instead of allowing shame to send us into hiding, numbing, perfectionism, or lashing out. 

Experiment with opening up to self-compassion as we share in hands-on weekly activities designed to help us make that long journey from "What will people think" to "I am enough." 

Class details:

• 6-week access to a password-protected classroom

• Six recorded audio conversations with Brené and Jen Lemen, outlining the keys to shame resilience

• Weekly lessons, activities and reflections designed to help you uncover your own ordinary courage

• A working knowledge of what triggers shame and how to respond with courage, compassion, and connection

• An invitation to embrace your own ordinary courage and vulnerability as a vital part of Wholehearted Living

To learn more about the course, the cost, and the materials, visit the Hopeful World website. 

If you have any questions, leave them in the comments and I'll be happy to answer them! 

See you in class! 

This is my first two-day event and I'm so excited!

Join us as we explore the concepts of wholeheartedness, shame resilience, and my new work on courage and vulnerability. With two 6-hour days, there will be plenty of time for storytelling, reflecting, and unpacking the complex issues that define our lives! Visit the Sounds True website for more information. Hope to see you there! 

to kindle a light

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My One Little Word for 2012 is light. Every month I'm sharing one of my favorite quotes about light. 

This quote from Jung is inspiring me right now!

Thanks to Elan from Ninjamatics who designed these graphics. 

buy a book. save a life.

 

Seven months ago I introduced our community to a book that means the world to me. The book is End Malaria: Bold Innovation, Limitless Generosity, and the Opportunity to Save a Life. 

As I said in my original post, I'm a social worker and an activist - I wouldn't say, "Buy a book. Save a life." unless I believed we could literally save lives.  

I'm part of END MALARIA because I believe in it.

 Every 45 seconds a child dies from malaria and it's very easy to fix - it's a matter of will. Are we willing to do it? Our goal is to end malaria in Africa by 2015. I think it's possible.

Here's the bottom line: 

I'm one of 62 contributors who were asked to write a short piece about the topic of Great Work – how to do more of the stuff that matters and less of all the other stuff that fills up your day. 

The book costs $25 and $20 is going directly the cause - that’s 100% of the Kindle price, and 80% of the hard copy. The remaining $5 covers production costs.

None of the contributors or the publishing house are taking any money from sales. Amazon makes NO profit.

$20 buys two nets. We've raised $300,000 so far and we're moving closer to our 2015 goal!  

The book is only available through amazon.com. 

End Malaria is edited by the awesome Michael Bungay Stanier and published by Seth Godin’s publishing house, The Domino Project. 

I'm proud to be part of this and I want to invite you to be a part of making malaria history! Buy a book or 20.  The essays are powerful and inspiring. It's a wholehearted WIN!

an inspiration interview + giveaway with jenny lawson (aka the bloggess)

I started the Inspiration Interview Series because I wanted to know more about the people who share their work with the world and inspire me to practice courage, be creative, and dream big. Jenny is one of those people. Meet my friend Jenny!

Jenny's new book, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir just hit the stores last week! It is warm and funny. Hilarious and heartbreaking. I loved every single page.  Neil Gaiman's endorsement on the back of the book says it all: 

“The Bloggess writes stuff that actually is laugh-out-loud, but you know that really you shouldn’t be laughing and probably you’ll go to hell for laughing, so maybe you shouldn’t read it. That would be safer and wiser."

And yes, this is her review in People Magazine! Check out those stars! 

To celebrate the launch of Jenny's book, I'm giving away three signed copies. To win, just leave your name in the comment section. 

Now, I'm so happy to introduce you to my good friend, Jenny! As you can see from her answers, she's as wise and soulful as she is funny. 

Questions on Vulnerability, Authenticity and Courage from The Gifts of Imperfection

Creativity, innovation, and truth-telling can be very vulnerable in our culture which is why we often feel deeply inspired when we see it. We’d love to know more about how you find the courage to share your authentic self and your work with the world.

1. Fill in the blank: Vulnerability is __________.  Terrifying. As liberating and rewarding as it is, I still feel terrified when I let my guard down.  I’m always worried people will realize I’m not as good as they think I am.

2. What role does vulnerability play in your work? I write for a living and most of my stories are about how I’ve managed to humiliate myself in some way.  There’s something about confronting these stories and finding the humor in them that gives me the courage to embrace them fully rather than run screaming from them.

3. What does authenticity mean to you and how do you practice it in your work?  I try to be authentic and genuine in my writing because otherwise I create a false history and I think it become obvious to my readers that I’m hiding something. 

I recently blogged about some mild self-harm issues that I was dealing with and I was terrified of what the response would be, but was shocked to find how unsurprised people were.  I’m not sure if that’s just because people expect me to be a little off in general or if self-harm is just far wider spread than any of us realize.

4. Is perfectionism an issue for you? If so, what’s one of your strategies for managing it?  In general I’m more of a slacker.  If everyone gets fed and no one loses a limb I consider it a successful day.  I did have a problem with perfectionism when I was writing my book, however, because I was aware that it was going to be out there forever and I couldn’t change it once it was printed. 

I must have changed it up a thousand times before someone finally told me that I would never be fully happy with the book and just needed to let it be imperfect, like me.  It was both very profound and also sort of insulting.  More of the first though.

5. What inspires you? Laughter.  Whenever I’ve had to deal with the most difficult moments in my life I’ve turned to laughter to make it okay.  Helping other people to find the laughter in my (and in their) own tragedy is my gift.

6. What’s something that gets in the way of your creativity and how do you move through it? I constantly deal with writer’s block because of self-doubt.  I’ll have periods where I’m certain I’ll never write another funny word and that’s the most unsettling feeling.  It just makes me more scared and then makes the writer’s block more obvious. 

It’s a terrible vicious circle.  I try to give myself time whenever I feel those blocks and I allow myself to just be unfunny for as long as I need.  I try to save up funny stories in my draft file so that I can still post even when I’m in the middle of an unfunny crisis.

7. Describe a snapshot of a joyful moment in your life. Last week it was Easter and I’d hidden confetti eggs all over the lawn.  It had rained so the red dyed eggs stained everything they touched but it didn’t stop me, my seven-year old and my husband from running around the yard, lobbing bloody looking eggs at each other.  In the end it looked like there had been a massacre.  A hysterically fun massacre.

8. You push limits. You take on taboo subjects. You say the totally crazy things that most of us think (but would NEVER admit thinking), you cuss like a sailor and talk about clown porn, and you’re totally irreverent and anti-PC. What people love about you is also what triggers people and makes you a target. How do you deal with the criticism and judgment? Have you found a way to stay open to the good feedback while filtering out the mean-spiritedness?

I’ve been really lucky that I have a strong community around me that keeps me sane so when criticism comes I can usually ignore it.  Right after I obsess about it for an hour.  Then I go in and change the comment from “Your (sic) so stupid” to “I wish I could be you” and wait for the person to leave another comment saying “I DIDN’T SAY THAT.  I HATE YOU.”  Then I change that one to “YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND.”  Then they usually never come back.

9. We're "in person friends" and I think of you as a somewhat shy, very humble, and incredibly wise friend who spends enormous amounts of time and energy doing philanthropic work and walking with people through shame and stigma to find their self-worth. I see the friend who gets on the floor with my six-year-old son and explains how rocks form and then sends a surprise package with the rock that’s become his favorite (and that he takes to show-n-tell every month). Do you think people know this side of you? How are you different than what people might think? 

I think people see my “bizarre/strange facet more often than they see my “semi-normal around small children” facet, but no one can ever see every part of you.  Which is probably for the best because there are some parts even I don’t want to see.

10. Do you have a mantra or manifesto for living and loving with your whole heart?  It’s nice to be important but it’s more important to be nice. 

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Now, for some fun!

From James Lipton, host of Inside the Actor’s Studio

 What is your favorite word?  Tintinnabulation

What is your least favorite word?  It’s a tie between “moist” and “panties.”

What sound or noise do you love?  My daughter’s laugh.

What sound or noise do you hate?  The fire alarm which I have set off almost every time I’ve tried to cook.

What is your favorite curse word?  F*ck.  It’s the most versatile of all of the curse words and it fills in whenever you need any sort of modifier. 

From JL’s Uncle Jessie Meme

A song/band/type of music you'd risk wreck & injury to turn off when it comes on the radio? We Built This City On Rock and Roll.  It literally makes my scalp itch when I hear it.

Favorite show on television? Archer

Favorite movie? Love in the Afternoon

Best concert? Lalapalooza ’92.  Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Red Hot Chili Peppers…it was amazing.

If you could have anything put on a t-shirt what would it be?  “I apologize in advance for disappointing you.”  I actually made and own that shirt.

Favorite meal? Cheesecake and eggrolls.  Or cheesecake filled eggroll, which I’ve never actually had, but they sound awesome.

A talent you wish you had? I wish I could play the piano.

Dream vacation? Egypt. Or my bathroom.  Depends on how my anxiety is doing that day.

What’s on your nightstand? A lamp and a samurai sword.

What’s something about you that would surprise us? I’ve never had a one night stand.

From Smith Magazine’s Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six Word Memoirs from Writers Famous and Obscure (http://www.smithmag.net/sixwords/)

Your six-word memoir: I didn’t know that was illegal. 

Congrats to Jenny! Don't forget to leave your name in the comments. I'll pick a winner on Wednesday. And, if you're in Texas - check out Jenny's book tour schedule this week. Here's how you can connect:



Jenny's blog | Twitter | Facebook | Book Tour

gratitude + joy

Gratitude

I'm so grateful to our community. I am overwhelmed by your responses, emails, tweets, and Facebook posts. 

Thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for reminding me that vulnerability can mean sharing our ideas in new places and that reaching out past our comfort is important. Most of all, thanks for saying, "Me too!" 

One of the best things about a wholehearted community is the ability to borrow a little courage when you're running low. 

Joy

On Saturday, April 21st, I'm giving a talk on The Anatomy of Joy at the Omega NYC Women & Happiness conference. The talk starts at 2:30 PM EST. It's going to be livestreamed for free. If you're interested, you can register here. 

Your support over the past couple of days reminds me of the quote that I posted a couple of weeks ago:

"Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light." -- Albert Schweitzer

Thanks for rekindling the light. 

walking the tightrope: thoughts on vulnerability and hurt

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Warning: I'm breaking my own rule of "No posts when you're really upset." 

Earlier this morning CNN ran an op/ed that I wrote on authenticity and risk-taking. In a collaboration with TED, they also posted my 2012 TED talk on shame. 

Ironically, the essay is about the how difficult but important it is to show up and let ourselves be seen and the TED talk focuses on how gender norms are used as shame tools. 

I knew there would be discussion and disagreement - especially because I talk about the word authenticity - a loaded term now that it's been coopted and overused. I knew some people would hate it and other people would find fault with my writing or my argument. These are all risks that I'm willing to take because I believe in my work. 

But I'll be honest with you, I'll never get used to the cruelty and personal attacks. 

I'm never prepared for being called stupid, ugly, and pathetic. I'm ready for a good debate on the topic, but I'm not ready for things like this:

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When I read this along with some of the others (which are apparently being removed), I burst into tears.  

I wanted to hide.

I wanted to scream, "Screw you, kinderlove! Where's your frickin' essay?"

I wanted to defend myself. "I know I look terrible. They spray painted my face for the High-Def TED talk and it makes me look like I'm melting." 

I wanted to keep the people I love from reading the comments so they wouldn't feel sorry for me. 

But mostly I just cried and questioned if the work is worth the vulnerability. 

I'm writing this because I'm always asked how I became so strong and immune to the criticism. The answer is that I am strong, but I'm not immune. It hurts. Like hell. Even though I know that "it's not about me" or "some people are projecting" - it still hurts. I'm human.

Here's what I've learned:

1. When we stop caring what other people think we lose our capacity for connection. When we are defined by what people think we lose our willingness to be vulnerable.

2. When we close ourselves off to feedback we stop growing. When we open ourselves up to ongoing cruelty, we shut down to self-protect. 

Showing up in our lives - our families, our marriages, our careers - is a tightrope walk. My balance bar is the shame resilience I've cultivated over the past several years, my family, and my faith.

There are places like TED.com and NPR.org where the comments are tough, but fair and focused on the work. Users sign in and take responsibly for their feedback. I'll continue to share my work there and read those comments. 

There are places that represent the worst in all of us. Where people are careless with their criticism and take pleasure in hurting people - even other commenters. kinderlove got attacked for attacking me and that's not helpful.

I'm going to stop reading those comments, but more importantly, I'm also going to stop contributing to those venues.

So, to all of you who want to help . . . take a stand. Embrace difference. Be respectful. Let's take responsibility for our comments. 

And to all of you who are sharing your work, your ideas, and yourself with the world - thank you. I know it's not easy and I know being strong doesn't stop it from hurting. 

I'm still standing. I'm not done. And, as Brandi Carlile sings in The Story:

"All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am."

Brené

the worst advice. EVER.

"You can rest when you're done." 

This is the single worst piece of advice that I've ever received. I'm not even sure where or when I heard it or if it's the result of marinating in the "Get 'er done!" culture that we live in today. 

Either way, I'm pretty sure "resting when we're done" is lethal. 

Why? Because we are NEVER done. There is always more to do, write, edit, cook, clean, organize, pick-up, change, investigate, explore, plan, fix, start . . . 

How do you "rest when it's done" when it's never done?

If we don't rest before we're done we're likely to create something that reflects our exhausted selves rather than our best selves. We'll accomplish a lot but rather than feeling satisfied, we'll just see our accomplishments as more things to cross off our relentless to-do list. We feel resentful and wiped out rather than proud and fulfilled. 

Resting is tough for me. I inhereted the "lazy" shame gremlin from my parents (who got it from their parents). I'm working really hard to reframe rest as a necessity rather than something you earn. 

I believe in hard work and tenacity.  In fact, they are values that we live by and I often write about the dangers of the believing that everything should be "fun, fast, and easy." 

But believing that we "are enough" sometimes means having the courage to say "Enough!" I'm starting to really get why rest and play emerged from the data as one of the guideposts of Wholehearted Living. 

We have this great sign in our house from Barn Owl Primitives. 

Now, if I could only remember that sometimes "the hard thing" is saying, "I'm going to rest now. And, no. I'm not done. I've only just begun."

spring events!

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Just a quick update on my spring speaking events! The following talks are open to the public. I'd love for you join us! 

Omega's Women & Happiness Conference | April 20-22 | NYC

Step out of your busy life and take a weekend to connect with others who are exploring how to find balance in an increasingly hectic world. At Omega NYC, you'll experience some of Omega's most popular and inspiring teachers. You'll also access the tools and support you need to bring renewed purpose and energy to your life at home and work.For more information, visit the Omega website.  

AND . . . if you can't make it to the event, my talk is going to be broadcast live and it's free! You can find more information about the free broadcast here. 

MOM 2.0 | May 3-5 | Key Biscayne, Miami, Florida

The Mom 2.0 Summit is the premier professional conference for influential mom bloggers and female entrepreneurs who create online content. Every year, leaders in media and industry converge at the Summit to compare notes, discuss ideas, and forecast what's next for women online and in the marketplace. For more information, visit the Mom 2.0 website.

Sounds True | MAY 19-20 | Boulder, Colorado

The Power of Vulnerability presented by Sounds True: This is my first full 2-day event! I'm taping the event for a 6-CD set on vulnerability! The event runs May 19-20, 2012. For more information, visit the Sounds True Website. 

deeply grateful for the light

 

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My One Little Word for 2012 is light. Every month I'm sharing one of my favorite quotes about light. This one has me thinking . . .

Deep gratitude for Steve, Ellen, and Charlie today. Grateful for my friends who've supported me during this crazy, wonderful, challenging time. Grateful for my family - you always make me laugh (even when you're not trying to be funny). Grateful for the folks who help me keep my head above water at work, including Elan from Ninjamatics who designed these graphics. 

And, incredibly grateful for some really good cancer news from a couple of people whom I love dearly and are knee-deep in this fight.

Who are your rekindlers? Who are you grateful for today?

Serpentine, Shel! Serpentine!

I'm editing a chapter in the new book today and I thought I'd share a funny piece with you. I have a section called "The Armory" that explores the various armor and masks we use to protect ourselves from vulnerability. 

I'm considering naming one of the more popular protection strategies, "Serpentines." The term is based on a scene from the 1979 movie, The In-Laws with Peter Falk and Alan Arkin.

Here's a brief plot overview from the IMDB website: "In preparation for his daughter's wedding, dentist Sheldon Kornpett meets Vince Ricardo, the groom's father. Vince, a manic fellow who claims to be a government agent, then proceeds to drag Sheldon into a series of chases and misadventures from New York to Central America. Peter Falk is brilliant as the outrageous agent and Alan Arkin perfect as the uptight dentist." 

My very favorite scene is Falk telling a terrified Arkin to avoid a flurry of bullets by running in a zig-zag pattern. He yells (as only the awesome Peter Falk could), "Serpentine, Shel! Serpentine!" I don't know why it cracks me up but I get hysterical every time I see it. Maybe it's because I remember watching it with my dad and brother and falling out! To this day if things are getting tense in a family conversation, one of us will say, "Serpentine" and we'll all laugh. 

It's the perfect metaphor for how we spend enormous energy trying to dodge vulnerability when it would take far less effort to face it straight on. Also, the image conveys how fruitless it is to duck and weave in the face of something as expansive and all-consuming as vulnerability.

Serpenting is trying to control the situation, back out of it, pretend it's not happening, or maybe even faking not caring. I serpentine a lot when I feel vulnerable. If I have to make a difficult call, I'll try to script both sides of it, I'll convince myself that I should wait, I'll draft an email while telling myself that it's better in writing - I'll emotionally run back and forth until I'm exhausted.

When I catch myself trying to zig-zag my way out of vulnerability it always helps to have Peter Falk's voice in head shouting, "Serpentine, Shel!" It makes me laugh which forces me to breathe. That's always helpful. 

Here's a link to the scene on YouTube. Sometimes they pull these down, so if doesn't work check out the film. Make sure you get the original! The production values are not great by today's standards but the acting is great. 

If you remember that scene - let me know. I'd hate to use that if I'm the only one who gets it. Also if you have any strategies around serpentining, please share!