Brené Brown's Blog, page 32

The 2012 TED shame smackdown is live!

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The 2012 TED talk was posted on TED.com today. Thank y'all so much for the support and encouragement! I can't tell you how grateful I am for our wholehearted community. Knowing that we're traveling together makes the journey so much better. 

Here's the link to the talk.

Here's the link to my behind-the-scenes interview with TED blogger Roxanne Hai. 

[image error]©TED Conferences Roxanne Hai and Brené Brown

a final lesson from TED: conversations + connection

by Scott CutlerHave you ever had that experience where you're talking to someone and you get the sense that s/he is looking over your shoulder to see if someone more important might be around? I have and it's a terrible feeling. The speaking bubble over that person's head reads, "You're a good pit stop at this party but I think I see one of the cool people coming through the door." 

One of the lessons that emerged from my TED experience is about connection and conversation. I believe that the person in front of you is the most important person in the room - even if that person is 1500 people. That belief informs two of my speaking rules:

#1 - You can't script a conversation

#2 - The only peope who matter are the people in the room (which is why I always ask for the house lights to be high enough for me to see people and why I rarely allow my talks to be taped). 

Ironically, my plan was to break both of those rules at TED. I tried to memorize my talk and my plan was to stay very aware of the fact that the talks are filmed and that those videos are seen by LOTS of folks. 

As it turns out those rules have seeped into my very being and once I got on stage I forgot everything that I had memorized and didn't think once about the cameras. I didn't even go through all of my slides and hit my "six essential points" in the order I had planned. 

It became a conversation and those don't happen in a vacuum. Conversations are a back and forth - a give and take. There's no way to control where they're going. Scripting a conversation assumes that your conversation partner won't have anything to say. It assumes that you don't have to listen. I know. I script conversations in my head all of the time. 

I can have an entire discussion with my husband without him even being home. When he walks in the door I'll say, "We had it out over the schedule for the weekend. You actually loved my new plan." He'll usually respond with something like, "I knew I was worn out for a reason. Now stop talking to me when I'm not here."

It's just so much easier!  

The night before my talk I got an email from my friend, Nilofer. It simply said, "Have fun. Don't worry about going off script. Just talk to us - the people in the room."

I thought, "Damn it! I know she's right but that means giving up lots of control." For better or worse, I had fun, basically forgot my script, and just tried to look folks in the eye and have a conversation.

It doesn't matter if we're on a stage, sitting at the table with our family, checking out at the grocery story, or at a party - the people who matter the most are the ones right in front of us.

That means putting down our cell phones while we check out so that we can engage with people and say, "Thank you" or "How is your day going?" It means not glancing over someone's shoulder to see if someone more important or interesting has walked in. It means connecting.

It means vulnerability and engagement.

I'm here and I'm all in. You matter to me. Our connection matters to me. It's why we are here.

[image error]by Scott Cutler

lessons from TED

By Michael Brands

What a week! There are so many unexpected life lessons emerging from my first TED experience that I thought I'd share them with you this week. 

But first . . . I always feel disconnected when people jump into enthusiastic conversations assuming that I know what they're talking about. I've only known about TED for a couple of years so if you don't know about it, let me introduce you: 

TED is a nonprofit devoted to Ideas Worth Spreading. It started out (in 1984) as a conference bringing together people from three worlds: Technology, Entertainment, Design. It's now curated/organized by Chris Anderson and its scope has become ever broader. There are now two annual conferences - TED Conference in Long Beach (with TEDActive - people watching live from Palm Springs) and the TEDGlobal conference in Edinburgh.

TEDTalks began as a simple attempt to share what happens at TED with the world. Under the moniker ideas worth spreading, talks were released online. They rapidly attracted a global audience in the millions.  

The TEDx program gives communities, organizations and individuals the opportunity to stimulate dialogue through TED-like experiences at the local level. TEDx events are planned and coordinated independently.

My first talk on vulnerability was filmed at TEDxHouston and I just returned from speaking in Long Beach. The picture is from Palm Springs. They're watching the Long Beach event in real-time.

Lessons from TED 

The first lesson I learned is about vulnerability (no suprise). The folks in the picture are raising their hands in response to two questions that I asked during my talk:

1. How many of you struggle to be vulnerable because you think of vulnerability as weakness?  Hands shot up across the room!

2. When you watched people on this stage being vulnerable, how many of you thought it was courageous? Hands shot up across the room! 

I'll be totally honest with you about my experience last week . . . I was absolutely terrified. I was in my PJs by 5pm some nights and I think I cried a little bit everyday.

I was the last speaker of the week and the thought of being vulnerable is what scared me the most. I loved seeing that raw truth and openness in the other speakers, but I wanted to impress this audience. I didn't want them to see my kitchen-table self - they were too important, too successful, too famous.

I want to experience your vulnerability but I don't want to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability is courage in you and inadequacy in me.

I'm drawn to your vulnerability but repelled by mine.

As I walked on the stage, I focused my thoughts on Steve, who was sitting in the audience, my sisters back in Texas, and some of the other folks who were mostly in the TEDActive audience. I took a deep breath and recited my vulnerability mantra: Show up and let yourself be seen.

I honestly don't remember much of what I said, but I know that I'm knee-deep in the vulnerability hangover AGAIN! It took me weeks to recover from the "What did I just do?" after TEDxHouston.

In the song Hallelujah, Leonard Cohen writes, "Love is not a victory march, its'a cold and broken hallelujah." 

Love is a form of vulnerability and if you replace the word love with vulnerability in that line, it's just as true. If we always expect to feel victorious after being vulnerable, we will be dissapointed. In our culture, wholeheartedness is often a quiet sense of freedom mixed with a little battle fatigue. 

pausing to wonder

 

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"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."      -- Albert Einstein

I'll be back next week! 

turning it over

Before the breakdown spiritual awakening, I lived by the motto, "Let go and let Brené." As you can imagine, it wasn't very effective. 

Turning things over is not an easy process for me. Several years ago I made a God box and it really helped. I found tremendous comfort in the process of writing down my hopes and fears on torn pieces of paper, folding up the scraps, and literally putting them away. I haven't used my God box in over a year. Like most good things, faith is a practice and I stopped practicing this piece of my faith. Why is it so easy to walk away from the things that are working and cling to the things that don't! 

A couple of weeks ago I spoke in Charlotte, North Carolina. After my talk, a man approached me and handed me a gift. His name is Roger Strom and he's a potter. The gift was this amazing bowl. Not only do I love the message, I needed the reminder. My new God box is a vulnerability bowl! How perfect is that? 

If you have thoughts or ideas about turning things over - I'd love to hear them! Also, here's a link to a beautiful article titled, "Inside the God Box" in Real Simple Magazine. 

remember when we did this?

Our perfect protest was the best EVER! 

I just want y'all to know that it still brings me so much joy! 

When I'm feeling fearful, I watch this video and read these - they make me smile. I watch Joy Tanksley's video response to our protest. Every comment, picture, and video makes me braver. They help me remember that I'm not alone!   

I think it's time for another Wholehearted revolution. Stay tuned! 

i heart generosity day!

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Last year, Sasha Dichter, Chief Innovation Officer for Acumen Fund, converted his month-long "Generosity Experiment" into a global Generosity Day. The idea was simple: to reboot Valentine's Day as a day of "sharing love with everyone."

Sasha writes, "Give to people on the street.  Tip outrageously.  Help a stranger.  Write a note telling someone how much you appreciate them.  Smile.  Donate (more) to a cause that means a lot to you.  Take clothes to GoodWill.  Share your toys (grownups and kids).  Be patient with yourself and with others.  Replace the toilet paper in the bathroom.  All generous acts count!" 

Last year I celebrated with a book/DVD giveaway and I'm doing it again this year! 

Do something generous tomorrow - anything - and leave a comment telling us about it! I'll draw three names to win copies of The Gifts of Imperfection, I Thought It Was Just Me, and The Hustle for Worthiness DVD! 

Happy Generosity Day! 

realizing empathy

When I saw this tweet this morning, I clicked on the link not knowing what to expect.

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All I can say is I'm a better person for having watched it. Like courage, empathy is a choice and a practice. I'm so grateful you shared these ideas with us! 

Here's the link to the Realizing Empathy website. Here's the Facebook page. And Twitter.

Powerful! Thank you, Seung Chan Lim!

 

the hustle for worthiness dvd

We are discontinuing the Hustle for Worthiness DVD. We have a limited number left in stock and we've dropped the price from $24.95 to $14.95. 

To read more about the DVD and to order, click here!  Thanks! 

an inspiration interview + giveaway with harriet lerner

Twenty years ago I read a book that changed my life. My mom, who loves to send me and my siblings self-help books when she believes we need them, sent me a copy of Harriet Lerner's Dance of Anger.  

That book did more than teach me about anger, it set the course for my career. I've read and learned from every book Harriet has written, and a few years ago I had the good fortune of meeting her. Since then, we've worked together and she has become a friend and mentor. 

I can't tell you what an honor it is to introduce her to our community. Meet Dr. Harriet Lerner!

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Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. is a psychologist and is best known for her work on the psychology of women and family relationships. She has dedicated her writing life to translating complex theory into accessible and useful prose, and has become one of our nation's most trusted and respected relationship experts.

 

Harriet's books have been published in more than thirty foreign editions and she's sold more than three million books worldwide. Her "Dance" books include the New York Times bestselling, Dance of Anger, The Dance of Intimacy, The Dance of Deception, The Mother Dance, The Dance of Connection, and The Dance of Fear. 

Harriet is currently in private practice in Lawrence, Kansas. She claims to be an undefeated champion in the game of jacks and has fallen in love with the Spanish language. Harriet has a wonderful essay about her family history on her website. I encourage you to read it. 

 You can connect directly with Harriet on Twitter and on Facebook! 

Harriet's new book is Marriage Rules:  A Manual for The Married and The Coupled Up. I read an advance copy of it and my endorsement on the back of the book is honestly what I believe:

"This is the marriage book we''ve been waiting for! It''s packed with clearheaded counsel and small, doable steps that can turn a relationship around. I saw myself on almost every page, which led to a lot of head- nodding, laughing . . . and wincing! It''s one of those rare conversation-starting books that you dog-ear, highlight, and read aloud to your partner at night." -- Brené Brown

Here's the fun part! I love Harriet's answers, especially this piece on authenticity:

"Sometimes you have to try out a "new you" to discover what's real and authentic. We can engage in pretending not out of fear or accommodation, but out of the courage to get off automatic pilot and try out new behaviors."

Enjoy! 

On Vulnerability, Authenticity and Courage from The Gifts of Imperfection: 

Creativity, innovation, and truth-telling can be very vulnerable in our culture which is why we often feel deeply inspired when we see it. We'd love to know more about how you find the courage to share your authentic self and your work with the world.

1. Vulnerability is . . . part of being human.  It's as simple and as complicated as that. If we can't be in touch with (and openly share) both our vulnerability and our strength in a balanced way, our self-regard suffers—and we won't see others or ourselves clearly.

2 . What role does vulnerability play in your work? 

As a therapist, my ability to be helpful rests on my owning all parts of myself, including those parts which I'd prefer to not acknowledge. Ditto for being an author.  My readers know about my Bad Mother Days, my worst fights with Steve, and so forth.  Despite this—or perhaps because of this—people still buy my books.

3. What does authenticity mean to you and how do you practice it in your work?

Authenticity is a tricky concept. On the one hand, you should "be yourself" and no one else is as qualified for the job.  But in the name of authenticity people bludgeon each other, and shut down the lines of communication rather than widen the path for truth-telling. And therapy—like all of life—requires the therapist to be real, while making wise decisions about how and when to say what to whom. 

In Marriage Rules, I invite my readers to "Fake it for ten days" or "Get more bite marks on your tongue!" or "Say less" or  "Call off the chase!" Sometimes you have to try out a "new you" to discover what's real and authentic. We can engage in pretending not out of fear or accommodation, but out of the courage to get off automatic pilot and try out new behaviors.

4. Is perfectionism an issue for you? If so, what's one of your strategies for managing it?

Perfectionism is not an issue for me. I'm a youngest child who has no trouble sharing vulnerability and asking people to do things for me, as in "Emily!  Help!  Come over here and pack my suitcase because I am feeling mentally ill."

5. What inspires you?

I'm definitely not inspired by James Bond type figures. Real people who show me their fears and vulnerability as well as their creativity and courage inspire me.  Then I may think, "Wow, if they can do it, maybe I can do it to!"  

I'm also inspired by remembering a time in my own life when I accomplished something I was convinced I could never do. Or I did something very brave and I felt proud. When my picture of myself shrinks to a little, narrow, pathetic view, it's hard to feel inspired.

6. What's something that gets in the way of your creativity and how do you move through it?

It's hard for me to write when I'm too anxious or I'm losing my confidence ("I'll never make this book work"). And sometimes the muse decides to leave me for no good reason that I can see. Then I have to wait for a new day (or many, many new days) and trust that she'll return. So I get through "writers block" with patience and by remembering that things change. 

7. Describe a snapshot of a joyful moment in your life.

A recent vacation in Sanibel Florida, lighting the Hanukkah candles with my family—my husband Steve, my two sons, Matt and Ben, their wives, Jo and Ariana, and two grandsons, Cyrus and Theo. I grew up without any rituals and it was a beautiful moment.

8. Do you have a mantra or manifesto for living and loving with your whole heart?

No.  This isn't something I actively strive for. It comes at spontaneous moments and when I least expect it.

Now, for some fun!

From James Lipton, host of Inside the Actor's Studio

What is your favorite word? Luciérnagas (Spanish for fireflies)

What is your least favorite word? The word "guestimate" irritates me. I cringe at "Hon" (except from my best friends) and I don't allow anyone to use the word "nuke" in my house, as in "Let's nuke this in the microwave."

What sound or noise do you love?   Sounds from the natural world and good music

What sound or noise do you hate? People on their cell phones who don't have the courtesy to take it out of the room.

What is your favorite curse word? F*ck.  I've always liked the strong sound of it, though I try not to say it.  When my feminist son Ben was four years old, I heard him say to a little friend, "The F-word is king of all the dirty words." And then he added thoughtfully, "Or maybe the F-word is the queen." 

From JL's Uncle Jessie Meme

A song/band/type of music you'd risk wreck & injury to turn off when it comes on the radio?  I'd only risk wreck and injury to turn off hateful, mean-spirited, political talk.

Best show on television? I don't watch television--only movies/Netflix.

Favorite movie?  Sense and Sensibility, especially the final love scene. And Volver

Best concert? When I first started going to concerts, Pete Seeger and The Weavers (especially Ronnie Gilbert) made me feel that together we could change the world. Music touches us in places that nothing else can.

If you could have anything put on a t-shirt what would it be? Plain T-shirts with no design or message is more my style.

Nightmare job?  I'm just lucky to have the one I have, and to be my own boss.

A talent you wish you had?  Singing and dancing and a gift for learning languages.

Dream vacation? Returning to Morelia, Mexico, and Buenos Aires, Argentina.

What's on your nightstand?  So much stuff that doesn't belong there. When the mess gets to me, I put things away and tidy up.

What's something about you that would surprise us?  My nightstand.

From Smith Magazine's Six Word Memoir Project 

Your six-word memoir:  Brevity and tidiness - never my virtues.

To celebrate our interview with Harriet, we're giving away three copies of Marriage Rules! Just leave your name in the comments section and we'll draw winners on Friday! 

A huge thanks to Harriet for the interview and for making the world a better place!