Jennifer Gilmour's Blog, page 6

Deceit

I cannot explain what has happened over the last few months but this sums up how I am feeling now when I reflect on everything. Writing is once again playing an important role in my life, it’s my own therapy. 

 

Deceit

 

I think back and I can see clearer 

 

I can see the false words of support 

 

The selfish game in your movements 

 

Patronising comments that were taken as helpful remarks at the time

 

My loyalty and trust deserved your respect alone

 

The missing pieces of the jigsaw have been discovered 

 

The deceit, the betrayal and the cover ups 

 

At least I’m grounded knowing I made the right steps and now make the right choices 

 

There’s no more people pleasing, there’s no more of you having pressured expectations on me, there is no more friendship

 

I will find peace and will find calm because I know what I deserve

 

I will accept nothing less 

 

I will be free to make my own choices, be liberated and empowered

 

I will be me.

 

© Jennifer Gilmour 2022

 

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Top Tips for Incorporating More Mindfulness Into Your Life

Many people suffer from mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after experiencing negative events. While seeking support is one of the most important things you can do, there is also a range of small activities that you can incorporate into your daily routine, to help you when you are feeling overwhelmed. 

Mindfulness is great because it can be done anywhere, without the need for any equipment. It is the simple act of bringing and maintaining awareness in the present moment with compassion, by using thoughts, sensations or the environment as a hook. 

I have spent the best part of a year trying to put myself first and mindfulness has been a big part of the journey. It’s something I practice and need to continue with, it has led me down a healthier path in my mindset and it helps with my healing journey. 

Many studies have shown just how impactful mindfulness can be on your mental health and can reduce depression and anxiety if it is practiced regularly. This is because the process of focusing on the present moment will reduce the worries and ruminations that come with thinking about past experiences or the future.

It is a great technique to have handy, to help you respond to moments of stress, anxiety and overwhelm. To help you get started, here are some top tips in this collaborative post to help you incorporate more mindfulness into your life. 

 

#1 Find a hook

The key to a mindfulness practice is bringing your awareness into the present moment. This can be extremely difficult if you are swept up in your emotions, and are feeling overwhelmed with your depression or anxiety. It can therefore be helpful to find a hook that you can use, to help you bring your attention to the present moment. The most common hooks that are used are deep breathing or your senses. Deep breathing enables you to focus on the sounds and feelings that you experience when you are slowing down your breath. To utilise your senses for mindfulness, you should look around the room and notice what you can see, hear, smell, taste and touch. 

These simple hooks enable you to bring mindfulness into your day, regardless of where you are.

 

#2 Set a reminder 

Mindfulness doesn’t have to be limited to just practising in moments of deep anxiety. It can also be used sporadically throughout the day. This enables you to take a more proactive approach to your well-being, and be more present in your everyday life. This can help you to reduce the amount of anxiety you experience every day, and help you create a new habit. You can set a reminder on your phone to prompt you every day. You can then increase the number of times you do this until it becomes automatic.

 

#3 Create a mindfulness playlist

A calming playlist is a great way to reduce stress, and help you to practice more mindfulness in your day. You should find some songs that you find relaxing, and use a youtube to mp3 converter to download them onto your phone. This will mean you have access to your playlist at any point you feel you need it. When you have some time, or if you are feeling anxious, put your headphones in and listen to the music. Focus on the lyrics, the instruments, and how it makes you feel. 

I have made a playlist especially in the mindset of survivors, its an emotive motivational playlist to get you through those times you feel like giving up or need to remember how far you’ve come. You can listen to it on Spotify here. 

 

Mindfulness is a great practice to incorporate into your day to help you reduce anxiety and depression.

 

Don’t miss out on any of my blog posts or book reviews by following my blog via the right hand column. 

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This is How to Plan Your Once in a Lifetime Trip

So you want to plan something big and special in your life? A once in a lifetime trip is an experience that you will never forget. It can be a trip to a faraway place, a new adventure, or something that changes your life in some way. The term “once in a lifetime” is often used when someone has accomplished something they may never do again. It’s something that we all deserve to experience in our lives.

I am not sure whether I want a once in a lifetime trip but I certainly have a bucket list of places I want to visit. At the age of 13 I said I would like to go to Paris before I was 30 but I haven’t yet made it there, I am now ready to action this. The other place is New York and ideally before I am 40.

A big part of my healing journey is stepping outside of my comfort zone, I remember just walking down the street was challenging for me. It soon progressed into my first bus trip on my own, my first long car drive and now I am a whizz on the train. Domestic abuse can have a longterm impact on your every day life and these steps I take forward were big leaps at the time. I need to go on a plain on my own next and have a solo holiday, that would be a big part of my healing journey. 

This collaborative blog will help you to discover your once in a life time trip, maybe I need to take the leap and think about what that would mean for me as well. 

 

Why You Need to Plan This Trip & How to Make it Happen

It is important to take the time and plan a trip that you are going to remember for the rest of your life. You should make sure that you know what you want to do and see before you go because it will be more fun. Life is short and while you won’t want to be investing in funeral urns for two too early, you certainly want to invest in your memories. So let’s take a look.

1. How to Start Planning Your One of a Kind Trip

Planning a once in a lifetime trip can be a daunting task. With so many options and destinations, it is hard to know where to start. The first thing you need to do is figure out what your budget is and what you want the destination to be like. Do you want to go somewhere warm? Do you want it to be adventurous? Do you want it to be luxurious? Once you have figured that out, then the next step is figuring out where exactly in the world those things are available.

 

2. Where to Find Inspiration

One of the best ways to get inspiration for your blog is to travel. Traveling not only gives you an opportunity to see new places, but also offers you a chance to explore different cultures and ways of life.

Take a look at some popular travel blogs. If you don’t have any ideas, take a look at other people’s blogs for inspiration. Look for new destinations and interesting places in your own city or country that you haven’t seen before. Check out the blog posts in your niche on other sites that are doing well and try to find out what they’re doing right.

 

3. How To Start Your Trip Planning Process

Planning a once in a lifetime trip is not easy. It takes time, research and patience to plan the perfect trip. But with some simple tips and tricks, you will be able to plan your trip without any hassle.

You can start by researching the destination of your choice. Once you have done this, you should think of what kind of activities would be best for you and your friends or family members. You should also consider the budget that you have for this vacation to make sure that it is within your means.

4. How To Organize Your Tour Itinerary

An itinerary planner is an online tool that helps you create a travel itinerary for your next vacation. The tool will help you plan your trip by suggesting a list of places to visit and things to do. You can also customize the itinerary according to your preferences. A typical itinerary includes details such as the date, time, destination, and duration of the trip. It can help you to feel organized and on track.

Don’t miss out on any of my blog posts or book reviews by following my blog via the right hand column. 

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How To Increase Productivity In The Workplace

It can be extremely difficult to focus on work for a long time, the human body needs regular breaks to recharge. However, if you work on your productivity and set yourself challenges then you will be whizzing through your work at sonic speed. Take a look below for ways you can encourage your own productivity. 

 

Have Goals in Mind

Firstly, when it comes to work you need to set goals. Without these goals, there is nothing to work towards and you won’t feel as accomplished. You need praise and you need to feel good, that is just what you are programmed to respond to. Finishing tasks and goals will provide this. When it comes to setting yourself goals you should ideally be following the SMART mnemonic. This stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely. Don’t set yourself goals that you can’t meet, this will only lead to you feeling defeated.

 

Avoid Distractions

This is probably the hardest one of the lot. Back in the day, there were fewer distractions to contend with. Nowadays you have smartphones and other smart technology hounding your productivity. It may seem like you are just checking your phone but if you do it regularly throughout the day then the hours can soon build up. You might be wondering why you are still on the same task hours later and it could be due to your phone. It could also be due to chatting in the office. Everyone loves office gossip but there is a time and a place for it.

 

Have The Right Equipment

When it comes to working in an office environment you need to ensure that your equipment isn’t slowing you down. If you have slow internet for example then this can cause pages to load slowly and it takes you longer to complete tasks. If you have viruses on your PC or laptop then you will need to deal with these before they put a stop to your working day. If you have a mac then you can download apps and programmes to prevent these. Take a look at malware on mac to find out more.

 

Get A Good Amount of Sleep

Finally, this is not something you can do in the office unless you have resting cubicles as some offices do. To remain focused and on track with tasks you need to ensure you are getting adequate sleep at night. It is not just about how much sleep you get, you should be aiming for around eight hours each night. It is also about the quality of sleep you are getting. If you are constantly moving around, tossing and turning all night then you will likely wake up exhausted the following day. Not good at all when you have eight or more hours of work to get through. 

Try winding down at the same time each night, this will get you into a pattern and routine that your body and mind will soon get used to. If you do the same thing repeatedly then your body will start doing it automatically without you realising. Also try to avoid alcohol and caffeine before bed, as this can be detrimental to your sleeping patterns.

Don’t miss out on any of my blog posts or book reviews by following my blog via the right hand column. 

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Trapped

The following is a piece I wrote a couple of weeks ago when I suffered a CPTSD episode as I woke up in the middle of the night. It’s something a little different but wanted to share it with you. 

 

Trapped

 

I didn’t realise that I was going to feel restricted. 

 

I didn’t realise that I was going to remember the moments. 

 

The memories of feeling like there was no way out. 

 

No way out. No where to go. 

 

My breathing starts to suffer as I need to gasp for air. 

 

It’s ok. I’m in control. I’m not there. 

 

I try to convince myself that these are just the flashes of thoughts, they will pass, I am no longer in that place. 

 

The place that pulls me down, that makes me scream internally. 

 

The place that is not just one but many. 

 

I didn’t deserve to be stuck, to be frozen, to have no way out. 

 

I take some deep breaths. I take a pace around the room to cool down. Have a glass of water. 

 

Things feel calm but then other memories flash up before my eyes. I’m back in all the places I’ve ever felt trapped. 

 

Forever trapped by the invisible prison I’ve been put in. 

© Jennifer Gilmour 2022

 

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The benefits of a More Inclusive Workplace

A diverse and inclusive workplace is something which many employers commit to achieving and take steps to try and implement. There are many reasons why companies take steps towards this once they begin to understand how this can benefit the workplace and their business as a whole. Building an inclusive workplace where people feel valued and appreciated can take time, but it’s not impossible with the right level of commitment and effort. Let’s consider some of the main benefits of a more inclusive workplace and how this could help your company to thrive.

Lower Staff Turnover

High staff turnover can be costly and problematic for a business, so it is in the best interests of the employer to keep turnover as low as possible. Retaining talent within an organisation will depend on a variety of factors, including how welcome, comfortable, and appreciated the employees feel within the company. Creating an environment that promotes diversity, equality, and inclusion of different backgrounds, cultures, views, and beliefs can help to foster a positive and welcoming environment that encourages staff to stay in the long term.

Higher Morale

When people feel valued and included at work, they are more likely to have a positive outlook towards their job. The opposite can be said when employees are excluded or accidentally left out of meetings, events, consultations, or social occasions. Some instances of exclusion at work may not be intentional but result from inclusion not being prioritised within the organisation and a lack of attention being given to this area. Creating an inclusive workplace can boost the morale of your staff and promote productivity across teams. 

 

Boost Creativity

Inclusive teams and organisations may benefit from increased levels of creativity from their employees. This is generally because staff feel more comfortable to share their ideas, and don’t feel like they will be criticised or ridiculed for making an unconventional suggestion. Work environments which foster a culture of collaboration and creativity may find that they are able to generate better results when it comes to company advertising, customer service, and sales revenue. 

 

Better problem solver

When people are able to speak to each other freely and openly, problems may be solved faster and more effectively. Colleagues who feel included and appreciated will feel able to share their honest opinions and advice about an issue, and teammates will feel like they can approach them and ask for help. An inclusive workplace may also mean that people can find others who share the same experiences as they do, making it easier and more comfortable to work through issues together.

There are undoubtedly numerous benefits to encouraging and fostering a diverse and inclusive workplace. It is fundamentally down to the culture of the business, and this is shaped by the leadership of those with influence in the organisation. Channelling this energy and influence into promoting an inclusive workplace will not only have positive wellbeing benefits for your employees, but you could see many other advantages in terms of creativity, staff retention, and sales turnover. 

Don’t miss out on any of my blog posts or book reviews by following my blog via the right hand column. 

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Should You Choose a Mac Over a Windows Computer?

When it comes to buying a computer, be it a laptop or a desktop, there’s usually one extremely important decision that you need to make; do you buy Windows or Mac?

If you have a bit of tech knowledge then you’ll know that these two are operating systems that are used to drive most of the features and programs on the computer. For example, a Mac computer will typically have components that have been optimized for use with Apple’s operating system and it’s not easy to use it with Windows instead. While you can run Windows inside of a Mac, the reverse isn’t as easy which makes it a fairly permanent decision.

So to help you out, this collaborative blog post has a couple of tips on choosing between a Mac and a Windows computer.

 

Do you have other Mac devices?

One of the great things about Mac and why many people decide to use it over Windows is that it’s part of the Apple ecosystem. This includes devices such as the iPhone, iPad, and even peripherals such as AirPods. While all of these devices are perfectly fine to use with Windows, there are a couple of benefits to using them with a Mac computer.

For example, if you have an iPhone and a Mac computer, then you can seamlessly take and make calls from your Mac laptop or computer since it goes through your phone. You can also quickly share photos and other files between your different devices. This is an extremely convenient feature and one of the big reasons why people think about buying a Mac in the first place. 

On my homepage you will see that I am on my Macbook. I have personally used Apple computers since the age of 18 and have always been impressed with how reliable they are. If you are on the fence with purchasing a Mac, here’s 8 things to consider before buying a Mac computer. 

 

How tech-savvy are you?

When it comes to user-friendliness, most people would give Mac extra points for being a bit simpler and more streamlined. It’s very simple to get things done on a Mac computer as the guidelines are simple and there usually aren’t any major bugs or quirks that you need to figure out. This is especially true when it comes to installing new programs or changing settings because it functions a lot like a smartphone. In comparison, getting the most out of a Windows computer will require some tech knowledge.

However, that doesn’t mean that your Mac computer will be completely free of problems. For example, there may be situations where your memory usage is getting too high and you need to reduce it. This can be done by closing programs, upgrading your PC, or being smarter about how that memory is used. This sounds complicated at first, but it’s one of the more common tech-related concepts you’ll learn about when trying to get the most performance out of your computer.

 

In short, consider what devices you currently have and what devices you might own in the future. Also keep in mind that Macs are generally a bit easier to use, especially if you’ve used an iPhone before. In terms of performance, both Mac and Windows are similar and most people won’t really notice differences in how well their computer runs.

 

 

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Identity Crisis

Last year I went on a path to put myself first, put my own oxygen mask on before doing everything else. It was the most challenging thing I turned around in my life as I am so used to thinking of everyone else first, I came last. I didn’t expect that this would actually lead to questioning my whole identity as a person. 

I didn’t really start putting myself first until around August when I realised I had done a pretty rubbish job at the New Year resolution. I would still ask permission from my husband to do something or search for a reason as to why I am doing an event/activity (EG for work or family). I just couldn’t help myself but I knew I wanted to discover my independence and to be able to make my own decisions. 

One day I woke up early and saw a post about a local Abseil which was less than a week away. I really wanted to go ahead and do it and without thought, I booked a place. When my husband (Rob) woke up, I told him what I had done and he was so surprised. The day came and I was in the first group to go down, I just did it! It was completely out of my character and I felt amazing, I was in control of something that was out of my control. 

It didn’t stop there, I decided to get myself a PT and work on myself. At first, it was because I was placed on a waiting list for an operation and about my health but as I started weight training I could see the benefits. Within 12 weeks I was deadlifting 110kg, I felt strong and powerful.

But then I discovered a quote that has stuck with me until this day and it really knocked me. 

 “Unlearning abuse also requires for me to unlearn the survival tactics I learned in abuse that I now call my personality. That’s not who you are. That’s who you became based on who they were. Because pain builds WALLS but healing builds DOORS”.

I have no idea why it has taken my eight years to realise that I have done exactly this and that my husband has met the person my ex created, he met me at my weakest.

I recognised that I have so much to work on, recover from and grow more. Just when you think you are there another box opens. I have to admit that it was a massive plot twist because I started questioning everything that makes up me as a person including my sexuality. I found this very difficult due to the sexual coercion and violence I had experienced, I thought it might be linked to the trauma. I spent November and December pretty much dissociated from life and everything felt very much tunnel vision. 

It has taken four months to really come to terms with who I am and think about who I want to be. I considered the social person I was before I was with my ex and I thought about reclaiming the old me, I missed her. It wasn’t right though, yes, I need to draw from that but ultimately I wouldn’t be that person now if I hadn’t gone through the abuse. 

I heard a song by Luca Fogale called “Unfolding” and this really helped me to take my time and accept that I am truly unfolding. I am still finding the new me but I know I am already feeling better in myself, those around me can see the difference and I am excited about what the future holds. I’ve settled in my sexuality and just recently shared that I am a Bi Lesbian which has been the most challenging part of my journey so far. 

I will be continuing to embrace what I have found within myself from my 2021 resolution. I am never going back. I will never stop surviving. 

 

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Sexual Coercion

A good few years ago I spoke at an event hosted by Min Grob of CCChat Magazine. I heard Dr Emma Katz speak on something I hadn’t heard about before “Sexual Coercion”. It has taken me some time to digest what I learned that day and also to accept what had happened to me in my abusive relationship. 

 

Let me get into it…

Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim. (Source: Womens Aid). 

After 9 months of fleeing my abusive relationship, I had come to terms with what I had experienced, that I was a victim of domestic abuse and more specifically coercive control. I still hadn’t understood how deep-rooted this was and I had felt that as a wife it was my duty to please my husband, therefore I hadn’t accepted that my sex life had come into this equation.

Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way. (Source: Womens Health). 

As I mentioned, Dr Emma Katz talked about this very subject at the event and it was my awakening of coercive control being involved in my sex life. 

 

Some of the ways I was sexually coerced:

 

Asking if I can ask the midwife when I can have sex after having my first child despite having forceps, I was pressured to have sex sooner making the healing process longer and having to see a gynecologist. My ex spoke to my best friend at the time and told her that his sex life is non-existent, knowing that she would come and inform me to apply pressure on me. My ex said how can he not look at other women or flirt with them when he doesn’t get any at home. Me having to put in my digital diary to have sex with my ex at least twice a week (ideally three times a week) so that he doesn’t instigate. 

 Doing the above meant that I would prevent what was going to happen if I didn’t satisfy his needs, he would have sex with me in my sleep and I would wake up to him on top of me. At the time I felt I deserved what happened to me because I wasn’t performing my wifely duties and the rape was a consequence of that. I didn’t actually realise it was rape for years and this ultimately made me realise that I wasn’t just a victim of emotional abuse but it was in fact physical as well. 

 

The definition of the word rape:

The crime of forcing somebody to have sex when they do not want it or are not able to agree to it. (Source: Oxford Learners Dictionaries). 

 

How this affects me today…

Sexual intercourse and intimacy are something I struggle with when it comes to having that time with my husband. I have had flashbacks during sex, I used to wear a top and couldn’t be naked and I still sleep in fetal position at the edge of the bed. Thankfully I have an understanding husband who is always patient with me and never puts me under pressure. It’s not easy though because I still have this clock in the back of my brain thinking about the last time I had sex with my husband, wondering when I need to do it again, the longer I leave it the more I feel my own pressure to get it over and done with. 

 I am actively working on my healing for my sex life and intimacy but there’s no quick fix. I know I need to be kind to myself and I know I should be enjoying it myself. 

Sharing this with you makes me feel vulnerable but I want others to know that rape doesn’t always look like a random attack in a street or is a physically forceful incident like the stereotypical view we may have as a society (I include myself in this). I feel the way I was coerced to have sex and punished if I didn’t is insidious and it still haunts me today. 

 

 

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How Books Can Help You Grow As A Person

There is a reason that books have been around for centuries – they are an incredible source of knowledge and growth. Whether you are looking to learn about a new topic or grow as a person, books can be an invaluable tool.

I personally don’t stop reading, I used to immerse myself in fiction but over the last few years it has all been about self-development or leveling up on my knowledge in particular areas. 

This collaborative blog post will discuss some of the ways that books can help you grow as an individual. It will also provide tips on choosing the right book for you and how to get the most out of your reading experience.

Books Can Help You Learn About New Topics

If you want to expand your knowledge on a particular topic, books can be an excellent resource. They offer in-depth information that is often not available elsewhere. Additionally, books allow you to explore various perspectives on a given subject. This can be extremely beneficial, as it helps you develop a more well-rounded understanding of the topic.

If you are interested in learning more about a particular subject, be sure to check out the library or bookstore. There is likely a section devoted to books on that topic.

Books Can Help You Grow As A Person

In addition to teaching you about new topics, books can also help you grow as a person. This is because books, like The Girl in the Purple Dress, often contain personal stories and lessons that can be applied to your own life. By reading these stories, you can gain insight into other people’s experiences and learn from their mistakes and successes.

If you are looking for books that will help you grow as a person, be sure to check out the self-help section of the bookstore or library. There are many titles available on various subjects, such as relationships, health, and career growth.

Books Can Help You Develop A New Perspective

Reading books can also help you to develop a new perspective on life. This is because books often introduce you to new ideas and viewpoints that you may not have otherwise considered. By reading about different topics and perspectives, you can expand your horizons and see the world in a new light.

If you are looking for books that will give you a new perspective, be sure to check out the fiction and non-fiction sections of the bookstore or library. There are many titles available on a variety of different subjects, such as history, politics, and social issues.

My second book Clipped Wings offers raw stories from those who have experienced domestic abuse. The importance of this book is that the stories are different from one another but the behaviour is the same, it’s almost like a close shade of colour in a palette. We can ultimately learn from others lived experiences because it offers a different depth to a textbook explanation. 

Books Can Help You Escape From Reality

In today’s world, it is often difficult to find time for yourself. This can be especially true if you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed. If this sounds like you, books may be the perfect solution. They allow you to escape from reality and take a break from your everyday life.

If you are looking for books that will help you escape, be sure to check out the fiction section of the bookstore or library. There are many titles available on a variety of different subjects, such as romance, mystery, and adventure. 

Record your progress with my latest publication, Book Review Log Book, with space to write quotes or pieces of wisdom down, a word cloud, reviews, notes and more. 

In conclusion, books can be an excellent resource for personal growth. By reading about new topics, growing as a person, and developing a new perspective, you can gain knowledge and insight that will help you in your everyday life. Be sure to check out the library or bookstore for books on these subjects, and get started on your journey to personal growth today. 

 

 

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