Identity Crisis

Last year I went on a path to put myself first, put my own oxygen mask on before doing everything else. It was the most challenging thing I turned around in my life as I am so used to thinking of everyone else first, I came last. I didn’t expect that this would actually lead to questioning my whole identity as a person. 

I didn’t really start putting myself first until around August when I realised I had done a pretty rubbish job at the New Year resolution. I would still ask permission from my husband to do something or search for a reason as to why I am doing an event/activity (EG for work or family). I just couldn’t help myself but I knew I wanted to discover my independence and to be able to make my own decisions. 

One day I woke up early and saw a post about a local Abseil which was less than a week away. I really wanted to go ahead and do it and without thought, I booked a place. When my husband (Rob) woke up, I told him what I had done and he was so surprised. The day came and I was in the first group to go down, I just did it! It was completely out of my character and I felt amazing, I was in control of something that was out of my control. 

It didn’t stop there, I decided to get myself a PT and work on myself. At first, it was because I was placed on a waiting list for an operation and about my health but as I started weight training I could see the benefits. Within 12 weeks I was deadlifting 110kg, I felt strong and powerful.

But then I discovered a quote that has stuck with me until this day and it really knocked me. 

 “Unlearning abuse also requires for me to unlearn the survival tactics I learned in abuse that I now call my personality. That’s not who you are. That’s who you became based on who they were. Because pain builds WALLS but healing builds DOORS”.

I have no idea why it has taken my eight years to realise that I have done exactly this and that my husband has met the person my ex created, he met me at my weakest.

I recognised that I have so much to work on, recover from and grow more. Just when you think you are there another box opens. I have to admit that it was a massive plot twist because I started questioning everything that makes up me as a person including my sexuality. I found this very difficult due to the sexual coercion and violence I had experienced, I thought it might be linked to the trauma. I spent November and December pretty much dissociated from life and everything felt very much tunnel vision. 

It has taken four months to really come to terms with who I am and think about who I want to be. I considered the social person I was before I was with my ex and I thought about reclaiming the old me, I missed her. It wasn’t right though, yes, I need to draw from that but ultimately I wouldn’t be that person now if I hadn’t gone through the abuse. 

I heard a song by Luca Fogale called “Unfolding” and this really helped me to take my time and accept that I am truly unfolding. I am still finding the new me but I know I am already feeling better in myself, those around me can see the difference and I am excited about what the future holds. I’ve settled in my sexuality and just recently shared that I am a Bi Lesbian which has been the most challenging part of my journey so far. 

I will be continuing to embrace what I have found within myself from my 2021 resolution. I am never going back. I will never stop surviving. 

 

The post Identity Crisis appeared first on Jennifer Gilmour.