Jennifer Gilmour's Blog, page 8
July 6, 2021
How Grounding Helps With My Triggers
Have you ever had one of those moments where you just take in the world? You think wow, it’s so beautiful, I’m just a tiny part of it. Well I’ve had a few of those moments and I want to seek them out more.
My first moment was my first time on an aeroplane when I was around 12/3 years old. I remember going into the cockpit with the pilot and seeing the blanket of clouds around me. I feel lucky to have had that experience as a child because it was magical.
The second was when I was 18 and went gorge walking in the Yorkshire Dales. It was breath taking walking through the crack of the earth and looking up at the sky. Gorge walking is about squeezing your way up a gorge by climbing, rock hopping and jumping in water. It was very surreal and felt like I was as small as an ant might, it’s an experience I need to repeat.
Those moments are imprinted in my mind and I know the next ones are waiting for me when I go travelling some day. But for now I take in what’s around me, when I see a field of blooming wild flowers I see the colour and clearly the invitation to capture it. I recognise these moments can also be in awe of historical buildings, architect and events.
To me these moments are important because they ground me, it reminds me that I’m a part of something much bigger. It also means that the memories I have held onto that happened before the abusive relationship I expericed haven’t been forgotten, my past experiences are not a waste.
The purpose of grounding techniques is to allow you to step away from negative thoughts or flashbacks. It can decrease the intensity of your feelings by distracting them using the five senses.
When I have a trigger or when I’m going through a low point this is what helps me. These moments aren’t always available when I’m in need of them so I seek them out wherever I am. I go outside and look at the green in the flowers, I soak in the sky and listen to the birds. I breathe and think I am no longer with him, it’s ok, I am here now and you can get through this.
Don’t get me wrong, this has taken years and at first it wouldn’t have worked. But this is where I am now, it’s almost like taking me out for a reality check because I certainly don’t want to feel as if I’m back there in that situation. I have been able to take these steps forward because of The Recovery Toolkit, that was my starting point to find the tools I needed to help me live my life.
My weekends are spent walking and visiting new places, it offers a mental break from a busy week. It almost feels like a preventative because if I don’t go out at the weekend it reflects in the week ahead. It feels like it becomes a natural state of mind and something that isn’t as forced but is a part of my subconscious.
Do you use grounding techniques?
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June 10, 2021
Why crafting saved my life
Before I met my ex I was studying youth work at the University of Chester. I was in my second year when I got a part-time job at the local cinema to fit alongside my studies. I entered into a relationship with my work colleague who became the person who abused me for several years.
Abuse is progressive but looking back I can see the subtle signs that lead to the control he had over me. He controlled my work life and sadly I gave up my studies at University, there were many factors to this but the fact I worked at the same place didn’t help. Things changed when I had children and we had to work different shifts, I was relieved as it offered space however after every shift I would arrive home to an interrogation. Things got worse when he found out I had given work colleagues a life after their shift as it was on my way home, he would refuse to sit in the car for 24 hours because they had sat in his seat. Eventually I reduced my working hours to just 4 hours a week and had hardly any money.
At the time a friend of mine was expecting and as a gift I decided to make a nappy cake, I was always creative so I thought I would give it a go. It followed with a friend of hers asking if I could make one for her for a fee, that’s when I opened up my first business and this was the key to my freedom.
Despite why I set up the business it offered me the opportunity to be creative and I had so much enjoyment from this. At the beginning stages of a business you do everything and I enjoyed putting together graphics of my work. Time has passed since I made this graphic but this was before the digital availability of apps and handwritten script font online which make everything look more eye-pleasing and professional.
The business gave me a focus and an excuse to be in the dining room away from him on an evening. I started networking with people online and grew my Facebook page to 4,000 likes in just over a year. I went to craft fairs and didn’t care that he wasn’t going to support me by looking after the children, I took them with me and juggled it all.
Here’s some of the gifts I sold:
snail 
nappy cake 
gift basket 
sock cupcakes But it was the mums in business gatherings that gave me the confidence and motivation to take the first step out. We separated but lived under the same roof and I got a part-time job to build my income to be able to have the money to get out for good.
If I hadn’t explored my creative side with crafting then I wouldn’t have started the business and wouldn’t be where I am today.
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June 3, 2021
Digital communities that have helped me over the last year
Digital communities have helped me through the last year with all the challenges it has brought to the table. I kept thinking about what it would have been like to go through lockdown 10-15 years ago without the technology available to keep us connected the way there is now. I feel very grateful for the communities I run but also for those I am a part of.
Communities I have created that have kept me going:
1. #AbuseTalk
Join the discussion on domestic abuse through a weekly Twitter Chat every Wednesday 8-9pm GMT we discuss domestic abuse and invite anyone to join in.
I set up #AbuseTalk in 2017 and haven’t failed to miss a Wednesday for the original weekly discussion, there’s a lovely community in this public forum. This helped me to remember which day it was in the week over the last year as well as having a digital companionship with regular tweeters.
2. Latte & Live
Small business networking with the perfect blend of opportunity and community. A fun, bold and fresh new way to meet fellow business owners, learn new skills and get support with your business growth.
This took me by surprise as just over a year ago it didn’t exist, in fact, Latte & Live is celebrating its first birthday this month. This has helped me sane for the last year and I run it alongside my husband, we have over 140 members and it continues to grow.
Communities that I am a part of that have kept me going:
1. Marketing that Converts Academy
The Marketing that Converts Academy is an online business building community, for business owners who want to market and grow their business without the stress or overwhelm!
It is run by Teresa Heath-Wareing and I had seen her speak at a couple of conferences, implemented what she talked about and it made a difference to my work. I joined the Academy after she spoke as a guest trainer for my new community Latte & Live.
2. #SBS Winners
Small Business Sunday, shortened to the hashtag #SBS on Twitter, was created by Theo Paphitis in October 2010. Theo is best known for appearing on Dragons’ Den on BBC Two. Each week, Theo rewards small businesses that tweet him @TheoPaphitis and describe their businesses in one tweet including the all-important hashtag #SBS. Only tweets made in the time slot between 5.00 PM and 7.30 PM each Sunday count.
I was thrilled to win a year ago and since then have been a part of the winners’ community. There are different benefits to being a winner but one is that there is a supportive group of people with the same passion for business.
3. Digital Women
The Digital Women Members Club is the only digital membership subscription you need to upskill, connect and network with like-minded women and get access to 100+ digital training videos instantly. Gain the professional training and support network you need to THRIVE in your career or business.
I joined as a founding member after having knowing the creator Lucy Hall for a few years, I am a fan of her social media planners. It equips me with CPD certificates for my freelance social media work.
Reflecting on digital communities over the last year:
Like most, I have been at home working from my bedroom for the last year. I have missed face-to-face meetings, events and conferences. I would have struggled greatly without these digital communities in my life at this time, it was as if we were together despite being apart.
Most of the digital communities have meant I have spent a lot of time using Zoom. It can be used in many different ways, I use it to record the podcast episodes for #AbuseTalk and also for the networking sessions on Latte & Live. I am also using Zoom for the event I am co-hosting on the 15th June “Life After Domestic Abuse” which is the first time I have spoken at a virtual event about my experiences of domestic abuse, it would be great to see you virtually there. There are different tools available to run digital communities but this has to be the one I have used the most.
The last year has also helped me to recognise how different communities have made a difference in my life, from the age of 11 I have volunteered in different settings and for different projects/organisations. It all came together through the community of Clubhouse when I recognised a natural passion and personal traight for me was something sought after by others. I provided a talk on the power of digital communities in various different groups and made a space for all of the online spaces I have created, community building for business.
Which digital communities have helped you over the last year?
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May 12, 2021
Becoming a Supporter of the National Centre for Domestic Violence
I am proud to announce that I have become a supporter of the National Centre for Domestic Violence and will be actively sharing the vital work they do to provide legal protection to those fleeing an abusive relationship. The work they do to raise awareness helps victims know they are not alone and can reach out for support. “You don’t need a bruise to be a victim” offers an all-important reassurance to those in emotionally abusive relationships, something that I know only too well.
I am in good company with fellow supporters Vicky McClure and Becky O’Brien.
NCDV says:
The National Centre for Domestic Violence are delighted to announce that Jennifer Gilmour has joined us as an official supporter. Jennifer is an author, advocate and survivor of domestic abuse, who uses her own experiences to raise awareness and help others in similar situations. NCDV look forward to working in Partnership with Jennifer now and in the future.
Our ethos and mission is the same as it has always been and as a Community Interest Company our aim is to help all victims of domestic abuse regardless of their financial circumstances and as such we have never and will never charge a victim for our services.
During 2020 we provided our free service to over 4,100 victims that could not obtain legal aid or afford a solicitor to represent them and would have undoubtedly otherwise fallen through the gap and gone unprotected. We received over 95,000 referrals from the police and domestic support agencies in 2020 and helped secure just under 10,000 non molestation orders. NCDV is by far the largest provider of support in this respect in England.
As a supporter I will be sharing NCDV campaigns to help raise more awareness, speak at future events, comment on specific initiatives or events and be listed as a supporter on the NCDV website.
You can find me on the supporters page of the NCDV website here: https://www.ncdv.org.uk/about-ncdv/supporters/
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April 29, 2021
3 Ways To Exude a Dynamic Freelance Mindset
A collaborative post today and I hope this helps fellow freelancers out there, I feel it’s taken me quite some time to get a balance in my work and personal life.
When we are seemingly splitting our brains into so many different sections, the ability to keep up with our workload is difficult. In order to be an effective freelancer these days, we’ve got to be multifaceted and multi-skilled. This is where having a diverse freelance mindset is beneficial. But what are the best ways for us to make the most of being a freelancer, especially when we are in such a precarious position that we cannot afford to be passive about our careers?
Learning How to Involve Yourself in Any Task
Freelancing, in a social media and blogging sense, is about learning lots of technical skills, but it’s also important to remember that there will be times when work is dry. Before we have to expand our knowledge, and do jobs that we wouldn’t necessarily consider as essential. In light of the pandemic, many actors took jobs in supermarkets to make ends meet, for example. And it’s the same thing for us. We can use resources such as Shiply to deliver loads on a road trip. It’s a great way to earn money while on the go, while also making sure that the job is not too taxing. Shipping loads via truck or car is straightforward, but you still need to involve yourself on any task. If you have any questions about the load, you can go to the Shiply website to get yourself started.
Learning to Negotiate
A freelancer needs to know their worth, but they also need to learn how to fend for themselves. Being a freelancer is like operating without a safety net. Rather than looking at negotiation of conflict, consider it as a way to debate a satisfactory agreement. As you learn the feast and famine parts of being a freelancer, you realise that you need to fine-tune your negotiation skills because this will open you up for more jobs, but it’s also important to realise that you don’t sell yourself short. This is why negotiating doesn’t just help give you a satisfactory outcome, but it helps you learn how to value yourself.
My journey has certainly made it feel like it’s taken a while for me to arrive at a point where I am able to see the value in myself. It hasn’t been an easy path though as I have had to learn from those mistakes or feelings of being undervalued. It doesn’t mean that I am not anxious at times when approaching new opportunities but these are more natural emotions.
Learning the Art of New Opportunities
Networking is pivotal to growing a business and the freelance mindset comes from learning how to harness something out of nothing. New opportunities are around every corner, even when it’s not in your chosen field. Going into a freelance job as a delivery driver gives you the opportunity to get more jobs as a driver, but it also gives you the opportunity to see if there are other aspects of the industry that need your specific skill-set. When we work up the career ladder, it’s not necessarily a linear progression. You may find yourself working in a role that wasn’t what you envisioned, but it is within the right industry. Keeping your eye out for new opportunities could throw you into a new and potentially more exciting freelance role.
I have to say that networking has been a huge part of my work and I have done this in many forms. In lockdown I opened a supportive Facebook group for other small business owners feeling anxious about how Covid19 was going to affect their business, it’s called Small Business Networking Coffee House. It soon became a hub of support, resources, information, opportunities, networking and more. It grew to a point I opened an optional premium membership called Latte & Live which now has over 130 members in it, thankfully I have a small team to help run this. Without networking I wouldn’t be where I am today with my work in the domestic abuse sector or other projects I am a part of.
The benefits of having a diverse freelance mindset allow you to make and seize opportunities at every turn.
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April 26, 2021
Life After Domestic Abuse
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Life After Domestic Abuse
Short event info:
Join Jennifer and Vickie as they come together virtually to share their experiences of domestic abuse and the steps they have taken through recovery. Raising awareness through their individual and powerful stories.
There will be a chance to ask questions and the session will last an hour.
Half of the profits will be going to Kaleidoscopic UK.
Jennifer Gilmour: Author, Advocate & Founder of #AbuseTalk
Jennifer Gilmour is an author and advocate for women in abusive relationships, using her own experiences of domestic abuse as a catalyst to bring awareness and to help others. Jennifer has published two publications, Isolation Junction and Clipped Wings which have both been Amazon Best Sellers and received awards. Jennifer speaks at events across the UK and continues to raise awareness through her blog posts, public speaking, radio interviews and social media.
Jennifer has listened to her readers and has grown a digital community to support discussions around domestic abuse online. Starting with her Twitter Chat which opened late 2017 #AbuseTalk, this developed into an online forum in 2018. In 2019, Jennifer launched a podcast which include interviews with those in the sector and gives followers the opportunity to ask burning questions.
Most Informative Blogger Award 2018 (Bloggers Bash Annual Awards)
UK & European Award for using Social Media for Good 2019 (Social Day: Social Media Marketing Awards)
Jennifer says: “Together we are Louder”.
Vickie Robertson: Founder of Kaleidoscopic UK
Child and adult domestic abuse survivor and advocate. Vickie has endured a life of abuse, which started in early childhood, this resulted in her being removed from her mother.
2 years after leaving her last abuser which was a cycle that lasted over a decade Vickie was the first to petition for training in the family court system having experienced both the family and criminal courts as a result of domestic abuse. Seeing the huge gap between them she wanted to change the system for the better. She is currently petitioning to go further than training with their IDVA pilot.
Vickie founded Kaleidoscopic UK in 2019 which is an organisation of survivors for survivors. They provide open ended support groups throughout the survivor journey. Uniquely survivor led and without threshold. Also designing prevention/liberation programme’s for all affected by domestic abuse delivered through the eyes of survivors.
Vickie wants to further educate all so that no one else ends up in the same cycle as her and professional services are better equipped to support survivors. “It takes a village to raise a family and a community to recover from abuse”
“By working together with survivor’s, officials, other charities and grass route organisations we stand a chance of eradicating abuse by education”.
Kaleidoscopic UK
We are an organisation of domestic abuse survivors for survivors providing open ended free support that is confidential and Independent. We run 2 support groups for women who are or who have experienced any form of domestic abuse. Child groups starting from April 2020 in the Wokingham area with plans to expand further. We provide a rolling 6- week Liberation programme for those who have experienced any form of abuse to learn the cycle they were in and how to prevent returning to it.
We believe survivor led regular support is essential throughout a survivor journey, being there when needed with no limit, allowing survivors to dip in and out when they wish is vital to ongoing recovery as is being independent.
We are designing prevention programmes that will be accessible for services or individuals to further educate about the signs, symptoms, and realities of abuse through the eyes of survivors. This will Include best practice approaches for early intervention whilst empowering them with education and knowledge with useful tools to prevent any abusive situation or relationships. Enabling people to reach out for help without judgement, embarrassment or fear as early as possible with support available.
We will raise awareness of all abuse types, the bruises you can’t see are ones that can last a lifetime. Removing the taboo is essential as is highlighting many people are falling through the gaps of current services due to not meeting thresholds or only having short term interventions.
The response to abuse is vital from the outset, with insight from survivor’s services and collaborations we could improve responses and support for all.
Hidden abuse exists and thrives in silence, a silence and a cycle that we MUST break together as a community. Children are often the forgotten survivors of abuse yet the cycle can and does continue without the correct intervention, support and can effect mental health for many years. Little to no support is currently available for children of abuse. This HAS to change as does prevention work or else we are all part of keeping that cycle of abuse going.
Find out more and book your tickets here Join the Facebook eventDon’t miss out on any of my blog posts or book reviews by following my blog via the right hand column.
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April 9, 2021
Why my past experiences aren’t a waste
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Why my past experiences aren’t a waste
This photo came up in my memories just a few days ago. A production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream with my tutors and fellow students. It was way back when I was at Hull College studying Acting.
I shared this story on my profile and felt it should go further, especially as I’ve received responses from all three of my tutors from the National Diploma.
This is why I didn’t waste my past experiences in life.
Whilst I was in college I didn’t believe in myself, my mum had instilled in me that I needed a fall back plan because it’s unlikely that this career path would work out for me. It wasn’t just my mum though, but the school system and others around me.
I applied for a gap year in Youthwork and decided not to apply for anything in Acting. I was absolutely gutted when I received some pretty awesome grades from my diploma in Acting. However, I thought to myself that I would carry on with what I had decided and maybe come back to it. I went on to study youthwork at the University of Chester. I found myself doing acting within this, being a part of acting groups and I worked with young people with drama.
My life went in a different direction as most know. I fell into an abusive relationship for several years and I felt my life was on hold. I didn’t progress in myself or with any kind of career.
However, the last several years of building myself back up after fleeing that abusive relationship has given me an appreciation for life. The last two years have been a big game changer for me and I believe in myself. I’ve made sure I take advantage of my freedom and really worked on my self development.
I’ve taken away the negative support in my life, those who said I couldn’t make it or achieve it. In anything I have chosen, I have not stuck to a ‘normal’ job or typical ‘career path’ that the school system encourages. I’m not saying that those paths are wrong or bad but it simply wasn’t right for me. If my creativity had of been encouraged who knows where I would be? If someone had have told me they believed in me, motivated me and backed me- where would I be?
I may not be the actor I wanted to be in my childhood and teens but those experiences have helped me today. Those skills have been put into practice when I speak at events in the UK or happen to appear in the news or on a documentary. They appear in events I host or interviews I facilitate.
That experience wasn’t a waste of time because it only made me certain of who I was meant to be.
If I could go back in time and give myself a message it would be “Believe in yourself and surprise those who don’t believe you can do it”.
I’ve surprised myself in the last two years and I hope it’s turned the heads of those who said I couldn’t do it.
I certainly don’t have a typical day at work in my self-employment. I’m never bored and there’s a different sense of achievement when something works. My hope is that my children see that there are options and that I pass on the message that dreams can be goals.
So my message to you today is, whatever has happened in your life… it’s not a waste! It can equip you with what you need to make it happen. Believe in yourself because that’s the number one person you need to convince. If you can’t do that, I’m waving a flag with your name on it and I will personally cheer you on.
You never know, there may be an opportunity to do some acting in the future and live the dream I had. I have done some odd jobs throughout the last few years and enjoyed every minute.
I received so many nice comments on this long form post which is certainly a blog worthy post. Three of those replies came from those who taught me at Hull College and I felt I should include them here, they moved me to tears.
Peter – I remember you well Jennifer and you were part of a strong year group. You were unsure of your own abilities, but gradually grew in confidence. You had such a passion and cared so much. All the team that taught you then have now left Hull college, but it was a special team and a time we remember fondly that shared their passion. Many of our students don’t always go into the Arts, but they do thrive and find their place. I’m so pleased that you have now found yours and proud we were able to be a part of your journey. Everyone who knocks the value of the arts should read your inspirational story, this is why we teach it.
Scott Solway– This is such a wonderful story. Many students come in a little unsure of themselves and their abilities, I’m sure that it’s safe to say that you were in this bracket Jenny. But you always had the ability to develop, a big outstanding element of your life was that you cared about others. I think I can say on behalf of all the team that taught you and your year group (who were hugely talented by the way) that whilst it was an acting course, and acting skills and stagecraft were learnt, our sole aim was always to try and make students better, better people and prepared for everyday life in the big wide world, not just the arts. I can name numerous students over the years who arrived meek and mild, and left completely different people. The arts isn’t always about being a performer, but the understanding of teamwork, personal development, and the skills to thrive in the outside world. We also learn from personal experiences too, and you have certainly found your niche in the world. I and the rest of the team may have only been a small part of your journey, but don’t forget, you were also part of ours too, and we thank you for that. We teach arts and performance for a reason, if some become performers, great, if some become husbands and wives and have families, fantastic, if some find themselves in something different and make achievements in life, like you have, then that’s outstanding. The most important thing is that the arts help people, especially youngsters, develop in so many different ways. Your story is inspirational, everyone should read and know about it, and the fact that the arts has played a part and helped you become the person that you are speaks volumes. Just know on behalf of all of the team that taught you, we are all very proud of you. X
Lucy Francis– This is great to hear and I hope your confidence and self belief continues to grow and guide you to even more achievements. I always bang on about the many and varied advantages of studying acting in whatever profession students choose. The communication skills and interpersonal skills and perception are all key to being a successful, empathetic and mindful colleague.
I don’t think they will ever know how much those messages in response mean to me but it’s something I won’t forget. There was a familiar pattern with them and it certainly shows their individual and collective passion as well as how they remember me.
My experience was never a waste and as a friend has said to me many times, I’ve turned my pain into a purpose.
Don’t miss out on any of my blog posts or book reviews by following my blog via the right hand column.
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