Exponent II's Blog, page 40

My High Wire Act: “The Mormon Feminist”

My high-wire act “The Mormon Feminist”

Features gravity-defying techniques,

Feats of balance, 

Stupendous juggling,

And mental gymnastics.

Astonishing many; delighting few; 

Spreading worry, false hope, and bravado

Where’er I go!

_

My first step on the wire proves tepid and tenuous

With each slip of my faith,

Every trip of my hope,

I slip safely into the net of my upbringing

And bounce back to try again

Amidst cheers, jeers, and “I told you so’s.”

As long as I keep my wire to regulation height,

Only pushing the safety boundaries occasionally,

Then deftly managing criticism or concern

Over any skill or attempt deemed 

Too bold,

Too proud,

Too forceful,

Or too loud,

With a return to my patriarchy-approved act,

I can remain in the show.

_

I headline as faithful and confident;

An expert in my trade

Of perfectly balancing “modern woman”

And “strong LDS woman.”

For awhile, my belief in my own creation

And my ability to transform religion,

Tame patriarchy, 

And maintain perfect balance

Propels and sustains me.

_

Soon, however, performing the same tricks

With little, real, visible change or significance

Leads me to try new, more daring feats.

I take more risks on the wire,

Pushing boundaries, 

But this time expecting them to adapt, improve, and accept

Instead of me conforming and accepting.

I maintain a faltering balance, falling more often,

and relying heavily on hope,

Despite so often enduring

Back-handed compliments, censure, warnings, self-doubt,

Direct criticism, gaslighting, and shaming.

_

When the net of community, certainty, and optimism

Begins to weaken beneath me,

Strings of doubt beginning to form,

Holes of hurt and shame spreading,

Seams of belief in change from within

Slowly, achingingly unraveling,

My balancing act weakens too.

_

Oddly enough, my hope proves my downfall.

_

All my life, Mormonism told me I could turn to God directly;

Receive my own revelation;

Ask in faith

And receive an answer.

I’d know truth by a burning in my bosom,

A warmth in my tummy,

A peace in my heart.

So I ask.

_

Each time, God says, “Yes,”

the Church and its representatives say, “No.”

Each “no” comes with more censure, warnings, suspicion, fear, and shame.

I begin to ask, “What do I have if I cannot trust

My own conscience,

Personal revelation, 

My belief that advocating for change makes a difference,

Even when it comes at a great cost?”

With each “no,”

Each devastating policy change,

Each crumb to make peace,

My balancing act

Diminishes me, breaks my spirit, and scars my soul.

How much of myself will I continue to sacrifice

To stay on this wire;

To maintain the act?

Life off of the wire is full of hazards, too.

I’ve heard the warnings all my life.

I hear them now.

But life on the wire

Could never sustain or fulfill me,

Only leave me wrestling with anger, fear, and hurt

I could no longer disguise beneath a bright smile, carefully applied make-up, 

Clever come-backs, or silence.

I lost my top billing over time, 

But that is okay.

My act never mattered anyway.

The circus remains the same; 

With or without me.

What We Can Control

“The words that they say sound passive, but seem aggressive. I feel like there should be a term for that, like, “nicey meany.”

@2ndeve

April and donna’s friendship though #parksandrecreation #aprilparksandrec #donna #andy #parksandrecedit #parksandrec

♬ Backsound Islami Dan Sedih – Faid rafanda

I used to be my ward’s Funeral Caterer, I mean Compassion Service Coordinator. My Stake’s average age is in its 60’s, so even with my kids’ and my neighbor’s kids ages bringing those numbers down a little, my neighborhood is aging out. 

One crisp cool morning, while I was putting out table settings, pitchers of water, salt shakers, and cubes of butter for each table; I was talking to one of the Relief Society Counselors. We were chatting in the kitchen, where a closed wood shutter could open up into the R.S. room where the grieving family and close friends were having “family prayer” before the funeral service started.

This counselor’s husband came into the kitchen carrying an empty roaster oven. He spoke to us in a snarled whisper, “They are praying in the next room!” I then responded in a softer tone than I was previously speaking, “Oh, I apologize.” To which the husband, the ward’s 70-ish year old Elders Quorum President, slammed the roaster oven onto the counter, making a big ruckus.

“Well, that was loud,”

We made eye contact.

“Yah!” he said and walked off. 

I stood there bemused. I have had passive aggressive interactions with p l e n t y of women, less so men. Why did he need to be angry? If being quiet was really a concern of his, why did he slam the roaster oven on the counter?

I imagined it was because he was not in control of us and how I responded was not humble enough to garner the respect he wanted. I had made him feel stupid and he needed to regain his assumed power by asserting himself, ironically with more noise than me.

Now, I am a recovering passive “aggressor”. I struggle now and then with using this tactic, but have done so without realizing it fully. Luckily (wink, wink) my husband is good at telling me that I pulled that ugly tool out of my belt and needed to pick a new one. 

Pasting my sin to my chest.

For example: My husband and oldest daughter were enjoying a show. I didn’t want to watch this show and felt left out that these two were having a good time without me. I came in and commented, “looks like you two don’t want to watch a show with me…” (immature, I know, I’m being vulnerable here). My husband immediately called out what I was doing, “I won’t engage when you talk that way.”

Crap.

I did not want to communicate that way. I created a *narrative that they didn’t want to hang out with me, that wasn’t true, and I voiced it.

“I’d love to be with you two, but I’d rather watch a different show, are you two up for that?”

Better.

I manufactured being left out in order to get my family to do what I wanted in the first attempt at communication. It sounds awful writing it out for all to read, but it’s the truth.

Passive aggressive words are angry words. “Anger is a tool that can be taken out as needed. It can be taken out and put away as needed.”1

Ever experience a parent yelling at you as a kid, then answer the phone in the nicest voice? If you didn’t, then you likely had emotionally mature people raise you. This is our incredible ability as humans to control our emotions (to be clear, this type of anger mentioned here is not passive).

I run every week with a friend and as we run we try to solve all sorts of world problems. The latest problem on the docket was the passive aggressive communication going on in the PTA.

“This way of expressing oneself does not happen as often in societies that are community based and more so in individualist societies like the U.S.” My friend said.

This friend grew up in Columbia.

“If a person were to speak rudely to another, the group would pressure the aggressor to change.”

I wondered out loud if women in Western/Mormon culture were more prone to passive aggressive behavior because they perhaps, were full of resentment. It was a way to gain control or manipulate, albeit an unhealthy mode to go through life. 

My friend commented that she believed it was further back into European Culture. She also commented that it had made understanding English that much harder. She wasn’t aware of the subtle rude intentions behind the politely worded remarks.

Many factors I am sure play an influence and I am curious if our condensed Euro decent, Mormon culture in the west (although an internet search will point out that this behavior occurs all over the US and England) really does swim in this mode of communication more than other areas in the U.S. and other parts of the world. (Not of white Euro decent? See the end of this article for something more relatable).

But one thing is clear. It is ineffective at building productive and enjoyable relationships.

There is a book that has given me very clear insight into my own behavior, The Courage to be Disliked. It is the psychology of Alfred Adler expressed by authors Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.

Trying to control everything/one around you will ruin any real relationship/progress. Controlling how you show up in the world and understanding what you really want your end goal to be, will help you see that others are not your enemy or competition, but fellow journey-persons in this life.

I know that I have been told, as a woman in our faith, enough times in my life that I am responsible for my kids salvation based on what I teach them, or my successful marital relationship is based on my temple attendance and adherence to all “blessing predicated on …[fill in the blank]” to know that I was fully enmeshed. 

Enmeshed in my faith and relationships.

This can lead to mother’s feeling like failures when kids or spouses leave the church, don’t pick the career path they want, or don’t support their ideas.  It may explain the volatile reactions members sometimes give those who leave the church. Just read comments active members leave on social media posts of those who’ve left or are critical of the church…or vice versa.

To be clear, I am not speaking on passive aggression when speaking of enmeshment, but it’s a handy tool used when one is enmeshed. 

Having a faith expansion gave me massive insight to the ways I was enmeshed and using passive aggressive ways to communicate my desires. I was underdeveloped emotionally because I was securely attached to the church and what it was telling me to think and say.

I did not see this or feel this before my faith expansion. I am not saying people/ women who have very traditional views in the church and theology are not capable of mature thoughts and capable of not being enmeshed in their relationships. However, I have interacted with enough Mormons to know that many of us are-no matter the country you grew up in.

I was talking to a friend during an event at our kid’s school. She had mentioned that she wanted to do some more visible service projects for her oldest daughter to see, in order to help push her toward serving a mission. “We could really use the blessings.”

This is wanting to control another’s actions in a passive way in order to get what is wanted. This is expecting the actions of your child to bring you those blessings. This is enmeshment.

This may also be why when you ask certain members of the church how one of their adult children is doing, may respond with, “Oh they married in the temple”, or “oh, they are not active.” Their adult children’s actions, somehow, are actually a part of who they are.

There have been some very influential Prophetesses that have helped me emotionally mature and learn to control only one person, myself. 

I highly recommend Jennifer Finlayson Fife’s courses-most particularly the men’s course for men (My husband says it changed his life, but I watched it and found it helpful too!) and her relationship courses. I have also taken courses from Valerie Hammaker with Julie Hanks as well as Valerie’s on her Latter Day Struggles website. All of these women’s podcasts have helped me remap my brain and approach life in a much healthier way than I was ever taught growing up.

But what if you are not white, not from European decent and these examples don’t quite hit the mark for you?

I realize my experience is not relatable to everyone and reached out to a trusted friend who has a more diverse background than I. They are also currently studying in the mental health field. They sent me a recommend link that may be helpful for those needing to deal with the trials, frustrations, and trauma that comes from the dominating culture and race.

Racial Trauma, Clinical strategies and techniques For Healing Invisible Wounds, Kenneth V. Hardy PHD

We all struggle with different emotional wounds, brought on by parents, institutions, a countries deep seeded oppression and racism, I don’t know…you name it, something has affected each of us in a way that has created a real mental and perhaps emotional challenge that affects our relationships and how we interact with others.

The key is to not let that challenge be self fulfilling or a destiny predictor.

We get to decide who to be and how we want to show up in the world. The power to control and change/heal ourselves is within. It is what we can control.

*If you have a great source that has helped you be your better self, please note them in your comment*

Do you have experiences that you don’t see represented here? The Exponent blog welcomes guest submissions. Learn more about our post guidelines and the submission form on our guest post submission page.

The Courage to Be Disliked , Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga ︎

Call for Editor-in-Chief of Exponent II

After years of serving as Exponent II‘s editor-in-chief, I am looking to pass on the mantle. Exponent II is seeking our next magazine editor for this vibrant, incredible community.

Please review the qualifications. If you or someone you know is interested in applying, please send a cover letter and a CV to editor@exponentii.org by January 15. I’ll share more in forthcoming months about what this magazine and team have meant to me, but for now, details for the position are below.

With enormous gratitude,
Rachel Rueckert

*

Editor in Chief: Job Description

The Editor in Chief is committed to producing the highest quality printed archive of personal narratives, theological essays, fiction, poetry, and art for the purpose of providing a feminist forum for women and gender minorities across the Mormon spectrum to share their diverse life experiences in an atmosphere of trust and acceptance. Through these exchanges, we strive to create a community to better understand and support each other. The Editor oversees all aspects of magazine conception, production, staffing, marketing, and development. This role is a member of the Exponent II board, which makes decisions for the entire organization.

For a personalized, detailed look at what this role looks like, the current editor in chief, Rachel Rueckert, recommends you read this snapshot she put together.

Key Responsibilities

Aligns overall magazine goals with goals of Exponent II organization – ensures mix of voice and points of view Leads all concept, theme and ideation for the magazine overall and for each issue Produces a 48-page magazine four times per year.Partner with editorial team on ongoing process, assignments and tasksSolicit, review, and edit articlesWork closely with authors and author editors Manage staff, including proofreaders, feature editors, and design teamCommunicate with printer and mailerAdhere to publication calendar and finish each issue on timePopulates the digital version of the magazine for the websiteRepresents the organization in public forums, as much as is feasible. This responsibility can be shared with the Managing Editor.Attend events such as Sunstone, Midwest Pilgrims, etc.Attends monthly (virtual) board meetings and addresses issues regarding the community, magazine, blog, social media, and retreat. Presents update on the magazine production.Hosts quarterly launch party over Zoom for contributorsWillingness to market the magazine and fundraise for the organization.

Required Skills/Experience

Demonstrated ability to develop and lead a staff and production process and keep the organization as a whole running smoothly and coherently. Project management is the biggest part of this role.Ability to work with novice writers as well as experienced ones. Desire to develop and invest in new writers.Ability to see the strengths in a weak article and guide an author to develop a piece.Skill in management of volunteer staff, including internal and external communication, setting expectations, and meeting deadlines.Understanding of and interest in Mormon artA willingness to accept a diversity of voices and worldviews within the parameters of the organization while keeping a balance among the many different faith journeys represented in the group.Ability to have honest and direct conversations with staff, writers, and consumers about editorial and leadership choices Strong writerIdeally, have writers and editors in their personal and professional network

Timing, Commitment, Location and Compensation

Ongoing time commitment can vary greatly depending on the week and your work style. Average is 15 hours/week with the Managing Editor handling some of the responsibilities. The organization is willing to consider a variety of leadership structures for the team producing the magazine. (In the past, this has consisted of the Editor in Chief and 1-2 Managing Editors. There are also staff members who edit specific content (e.g., an art editor), review submissions, and create the layout. Exponent II is willing to consider proposals of co-editors or other unorthodox leadership structures.) Location can be anywhere, although navigating time zones that differ significantly from those in the mainland US could pose some challenges.Exponent II provides a stipend of $3,000 per quarterly issue ($12,000 annually) for this position. 

To apply to this position, please email editor@exponentii.org with a cover letter plus a CV and/or resume by January 15, 2025.

Google doc version of the application call can be found here.

Why I Stay in the Church and How “The Best Christmas Pageant Ever” Solidified My Choice

The day after the US presidential election I blogged about my sadness in a post titled “The Election Makes it Clear: I don’t share values with most Mormons.” Some of the comments on the Instagram post surprised me because they seemed to assume that I have left the church. To be clear: I’ve never left the church and am actually fully stereotypically active in the church. I wear garments, have a temple recommend, serve in the Relief Society Presidency and do all the “things.” This isn’t to judge anyone who has left the church, I just want to say where I’m coming from. 

It feels like there’s a very small sliver of people who fall in my category of someone who is fully active but still willing to talk about problems in the church. I feel like the general consensus may be, “So why does someone like me stay in the church?”

There are a million reasons that go into any decision for any person. But since it’s Christmas season, and since I loved the new movie that came out this season, “The Best Christmas Pageant Ever,” let’s talk about just one of those reasons. 

For those who haven’t seen the new movie (or seen the old one or read the book), the story is about a family of children living in poverty. It’s clear the children have experienced lots of adverse childhood experiences and the town folk see the kids as the “bad troublemakers.” When the kids show up at the community church, everyone there wants them to leave. However, there’s one mom who lets them stay and be in the Christmas pageant (even though all the other moms want her to kick the “bad” kids out). 

The other moms are horrible. They are gossipy and rude and have absolutely no ability to be loving to these children who need community so badly. 

If I were in that church community, I could see myself wanting to leave those gossipy women behind and find somewhere (anywhere!) else to go. But the main character stays. And she’s the only one who has the heart to love these kids. She’s the only one who is a true Christian for those little kids.

To be clear, I go to church with a lot of people who share my values and my situation is nowhere as extreme as the story I watched on screen. But I am still often sad by how many people in my religion do not share my values. The week of the election I was particularly sad about that. But that week, I sat in the audience of the “Best Christmas Pageant Ever” and thought to myself, “I choose to stay.”

My faith community is important to me and there are kids in it who need to be loved by people with my value system. Perhaps staying is how I ensure that can happen. 

***

Author’s Note: Sometimes it can be lonely walking this space of full activity in the church while being willing to discuss problems in the church. If you’re in this space too, please let me know in the comments! I’d love to hear that I’m not the only one.

Also, check out the trailer to the movie if you haven’t seen it. I highly recommend the movie!

Mormon Polygamous Men Were Really Bad at Sex: a Hypothesis

I have a gut feeling that those old bearded polygamous dudes in the 1800s were really lousy lovers. I looked up some quotes from apostles and prophets about polygamy for our blog’s Instagram page this morning and realized that a lot of what these dead guys said about sex sounded … interesting.

This is just a hot take, but the following is my evidence that polygamist men were not very fun to be married to.

Piece of Evidence #1: They didn’t seem to understand that women can like sex, too.

Apostle Orson Hyde believed that having sex just for the fun created an inferior set of human beings. In 1857 he explained that lustful desire and sexual excess accounted for the birth of “cripples and idiots”, and “a puny set, a race of helpless, scrubby children”. 

The more I read from him, the more I believe he was under the impression that only men had sexual desires and appetites, and not women. If that’s the case, of course polygamy made sense to him! A man could then have ten times as much sex without accidentally producing idiot babies.

This also meant that his wives (who, at least in his experience, never seemed to want to have sex with him) would only have to do it a fraction of the time, and only until they got pregnant.

No wonder Orson thought polygamy was doing a favor for women by not making them have sex as much! (I bet his wives would always say to him, “Orson, do you want me to give birth to a cripple? Go away.”)

Piece of Evidence #2: Those guys never had to learn to please a woman if they were just assigned wives.

Think about the movie Titanic. Jack was very desirable, and Rose’s fiancé was not. They were both attractive men – so why wouldn’t Rose want the rich powerful one who could buy her a yacht? Why would she pick Jack? 

You see, the rich fiancé was well aware that he could have any woman he wanted (and yes, he was also a homicidal maniac by the end, but she’d already picked Jack before that part). The fiancé didn’t have to try to understand Rose and listen to her feelings to connect with her, or mutually plan a life that would be fulfilling and joyful for both of them. He could ignore her wants, needs and desires because it didn’t really matter.

Jack, on the other hand – he didn’t have his pick of women, so he learned to act like a human being. (And then voila, he and Rose had amazing sex in a car.)

I bet no polygamist Mormon prophet ever had amazing sex in a car with their 17th wife. (And not just because cars weren’t invented yet.) Sometimes girls had been promised to these men as their future wives since they were children and when they reached age 18 were obligated to say “yes, sure…I’d, ummm… love to have your babies…President Woodruff.”

Piece of Evidence #3: A man who only sleeps with you once every 25th time he has sex will never learn what you like. 

I’ve heard before that the most mutually satisfying relationships are generally between people in committed relationships. The newness and excitement might wear off, but the benefit remains that you’re sleeping with someone who knows what you like and don’t like.

If you are one of Brigham Young’s 50+ wives, what are the chances he ever learns enough about your body and what you specifically find pleasurable? And even if he did, what are the chances he remembers it was YOU who really liked something? Half the time I can’t remember which of my three kids likes what type of food the best, and I’m not even running a church in the end times.

Piece of Evidence #4: Teenage girls don’t like old guys (and neither do women in their twenties, thirties or forties). 

I was a straight teenage girl for years and thus consider myself a complete expert on this matter. Straight teenage girls are sexually attracted to teenage boys. Unless they are groomed and manipulated, they are not, ever ever ever, interested in having sex with a 62-year-old bearded prophet down the hall from his seven other wives and 35 kids.

Imagine you’re a college aged girl and this is your dating app. Which old guy’s polygamous harem would you like to be part of for eternity?

No girl, in the entire history of planet earth, has ever laid awake in bed at night fantasizing that she might someday be added to the nightly sex rotation of one of those dudes pictured above. 

While I don’t know of any detailed descriptions of what polygamous sex was like for girls in the 1800s, I do know the modern experience of former FLDS member Rebecca Musser. (Author of the amazing book, “The Witness Wore Red” and one of the women who helped put Warren Jeffs behind bars.)

In the Netflix documentary “Keep Sweet, Pray and Obey”, Rebecca describes being a 19-year-old woman married to the prophet Rulon Jeffs. She says in episode one, “I remember him rolling on top of me and saying, “Spread your legs”. I felt like… this is everything that we were told was bad. Why is a man doing this, let alone the prophet of God doing this to me?”

Later she explains her tactics to avoid sexual contact with her husband. “I was clever. I knew he was tired, so I’d help him get into bed and I’d rub his feet and get him to sleep. I’d do anything I could to make him fall asleep, and then I would pass by another night without having him touch me.”

Every time I see a genealogical record of a Mormon girl in the 1800s having the baby of an older polygamist man, I remember Rebecca Musser in that documentary, talking about her nights with Rulon Jeffs.

And you know what? All of this makes me not feel bad about making fun of how lousy in bed these old dead guys probably were.

 

Our Bloggers Recommend: 50 Years of Exponent II on Mormon Stories Podcast!

Heather Sundahl and Katie Ludlow Rich spent three hours discussing the past, present and future of Mormon feminism and the Exponent II organization on Mormon Stories this week! Hear their stories about growing up in the LDS church, discovering feminism and how their partnership led to the book 50 Years of Exponent II.

In this podcast interview they cover polygamist suffragists, disempowerment of Mormon women, the founding of Exponent II in the seventies, women’s lib, Ordain Women, and interactions between our organization and church leaders such as L. Tom Perry, Dallin H. Oaks and even Mitt Romney.

Listen to them on your favorite podcast app, on the Mormon Stories website, or see their faces on YouTube!

None Left To Tell: Obedience & the Mountain Meadows Massacre

In 1857, amidst the zeal of the Mormon Reformation and the Utah War with the federal government, a group of Mormon men lead a series of attacks on a sheltering wagon company from Arkansas. It resulted in the murder of at least 120 men, women, and children. Seventeen young children from the Baker-Francher party were allowed to live because they were deemed too young to tell. Eventually in 1877, John D. Lee was convicted and sentenced to death for his role leading the killings now known as the Mountain Meadows Massacre.

For generations this event was swept under the rug, hidden from the common knowledge of Latter-day Saints. Even today after church sanctioned books on the massacre and a popular Hulu series including it, many members know little about the true story of this mass killing and what role Mormonism played in it.

But author Noelle W. Ihli’s new historical fiction book None Left To Tell is breaking the history wide open for popular audiences, and she doesn’t shy away from telling the story with fresh honesty and a female-focused narrative.

None Left To Tell follows the stories of women before, during, and after the massacre. Noelle’s strong female characters include Lucy, a dedicated Mormon woman and the author’s ancestor, Katrina, a woman leading her family west with the doomed Baker-Francher party, and Sally, Brigham Young’s Native American servant “gifted” to another tribe’s loyal chief as his fourth wife. From their viewpoints, the reader is immersed in 1857 Utah, including in Mountain Meadows itself as the brutal siege and massacre take place.

Noelle did a “deep dive” into church history shortly after she left the church ten years ago and discovered the unknown-to-her story of the Mountain Meadows Massacre. “As I was researching, I found out that my family members that were involved in this history. A lot of us who are pioneer stock that came to Utah were either aware or involved to some degree to this story that was the kept very quiet for clear reasons,” she says of her motivation to write this book.

It’s noteworthy to think about how our family history obsession in Mormonism ties into brutal events like Mountain Meadows. Very few traditional family histories pass down the negative acts of our pioneer ancestors who are portrayed as faithful, humble Saints that only wanted to live their religion in peace. I admire how Noelle was willing to connect her own family to this tragedy and be a voice for her great-great-great-grandmother even if it wasn’t entirely glowing. More honest church history, in my opinion, starts with honest family history. We need to let our ancestors be messy people, terrible people even. Their good or bad deeds do not make the church more or less “true.”

Despite feelings of anger while researching and a desire to view it in black-and-white, “here’s the good guys and these are the bad guys,” Noelle also wanted to portray her female narrators accurately. She says, “I needed to find that empathy and be able to write [Lucy’s] perspective in a way that would feel true to someone who was a lay member of the church at that time.”

Being willing to sit in gray areas, in nuance, is not a comfortable place especially in Mormonism. It’s easy to follow the church’s proscribed binary thinking when it comes to pioneers, past events, or even current ones. None Left To Tell is willing to sit in those hard spaces and allow the characters to be products of their time, circumstances, and life choices without forcing a faithful narrative over the top. Noelle also reminded me that even if a woman wasn’t a overt feminist in the modern sense, their “moments of sometimes defiance, sometimes just thoughtfulness in the face of a difficult topic” are important and inspiring.

With the hindsight of over a century, we want to ask how they did what they did. Noelle captures so well in her book the terror of the siege and massacre. It seemed unfathomable to me that humans could do such a thing, especially our beloved pioneer ancestors that “sang as they walked and walked and walked.”

These were lay members of the church, not a trained militia or bloodthirsty killers. “A lot of them didn’t realize what they were going out to do,” Noelle tells me. “When they got there it was a reminder of the oaths that they made to obedience and to avenge the blood of the prophets. It’s hard to separate the idea of obedience for someone who feels their ultimate obedience is to God and that the next chain down and the next chain down are speaking for God. That’s a very powerful thing to say ‘I’m not gonna do what you’re asking me to do’ when that chain is so direct coming down from God, even when that thing you’re being asked to do is pretty horrendous.”

We see this theme of obedience to church leaders when asked to do difficult things everywhere. As shown in the church’s recent polygamy cartoon debacle, Mormonism is big on grooming members to overcome their personal beliefs or wants to do what prophets tell you God wants you to do. I grew up on a steady diet of pioneer stories about doing hard things for the Lord even when they didn’t want to. Given all that training through retellings of Abraham and Isaac, Joseph and polygamy, the handcart companies, and so many others, it’s not entirely surprising that members could do something terrible when they believed they must obey their leaders.

Even brutally massacre 120 unarmed men, women, and children.

None Left To Tell doesn’t make excuses for the actions of these men or push the blame, but it does put a human face to this question of agency versus obedience. We see the women in the story struggling with the reality of the men’s choices and having to make their own about what to do with what they know.

Agency and obedience butt up against each other a lot in Mormonism. “There’s this theme of personal agency,” Noelle says about exploring obedience in the church, “and in the aftermath when something happens and someone makes a mistake or chooses the wrong but they were trying to be obedient, then we’re very quick to fall on agency and say ‘well they made that choice.'”

To be clear, just following orders does not absolve people of their own compliance. But we also have to recognize this negative pattern in Mormonism. I’ve heard this kind of gaslighting countless times. We’re quick to throw other members’ experiences out when rules change or when we realize that someone’s obedience didn’t lead to the magical promised blessings. We blame their agency rather than the forced path that took them down that road.

Similarly, Noelle felt it was important to include polygamy in her book. Not only was it historically a crucial theme of life in Utah at that time, “it was this test of obedience and test of faith tied up with a lot of pain and a lot of questions that you either leaned into or created divisions with,” she says. She wanted her characters to grapple with that and relates it to her own struggle when she was a members with these questions.

But women back in Lucy’s day didn’t have the internet or Exponent II to find answers or seek solace as a community. Most of the women who lived with the questions around polygamy were largely alone. “You’re being asked this ultimate thing, can you do it? Are you not going to do it? And if so, why not? Is it because you’re not faithful enough? Is it because you don’t believe enough?” Noelle says, trying to place herself in Lucy’s shoes.

Maybe we aren’t so far removed from pioneer women like Lucy. We still struggle with this messy knot of obedience and proving our faithfulness as we think about polygamy and the many unanswered questions about its reality in our own modern or eternal lives.

How do we hold all these things? How do we look back with honesty at a massacre by our ancestors’ hands? How do we make room for the humanity and messiness of historical figures? To me, this is the power of historical fiction. It not only places us in a time period completely foreign to us, it also makes it come alive. We see historical figures not as flat names on a textbook page, but as fleshed out humans with wants, fears, struggles, and secrets. When those people and places become real to us we truly learn from the past. Historical fiction teaches us not only lessons, but empathy. It shows us the best and worst of us as humans and provides a safe space to work through those contradictions.

None Left To Tell is a stunning book. I highly recommend it! It will suck you in and show you a history many want to forget or ignore. It will raise questions about your own relationship with faith and obedience. It will teach you why it’s critical that we are honest about our history and the actions of even our beloved pioneers.

You can get your own copy of None Left To Tell here. You can follow Noelle on social media here. When you read it, please leave a review too! We love to support our fellow feminist writers!

Have you ever heard of the Mountain Meadows Massacre before? Did you hear about it growing up? Have you read None Left To Tell or is it on your TBR now? Let us know what you think!

Our Bloggers Recommend: “The Spiritual Nature of All Things”

Blogger Kaylee is on the latest episode of “At Last She Said It,” a podcast where hosts Cynthia Winward and Susan Hinckley discuss the issues that women in Mormonism deal with. The community there is similar to the community here at The Exponent II: women and gender minorities along a spectrum of relationships to the church, from all-in though nuanced to all out, who come together to say what they’re thinking and feeling.

In “The Spiritual Nature of All Things,” Kaylee talks about her experiences as a physicist and how her scientific knowledge of the universe have affected her spiritual knowledge of herself and divinity. While I am not a physicist, many of the things she said resonated with my own spiritual journey, particularly when she shares her experience receiving revelation that went against what the church teaches. It’s a great reminder that we all need to trust ourselves—there is no substitute for our own personal revelation, including what the prophet has said.

Read the written version of Kaylee’s sermon, which started this conversation.

Photo: M57, or the Ring Nebula, is a planetary nebula, the glowing remains of a sun-like star. The tiny white dot in the center of the nebula is the star’s hot core, called a white dwarf. NASA, ESA and the Hubble Heritage (STScI/AURA)-ESA/Hubble Collaboration

Help Us Raise $5,000 for Exponent II’s 50th Anniversary!

***As of right now on 12/16, we are just $1,500 short of our fundraising goal of $5,000 by the end of the year! Please donate today and help us keep our lights on!***

As we wrap up our 50th Anniversary, we have an ambitious goal to build the foundation for Exponent II’s next 50 years by establishing an endowment fund. And while managing our magazine, blog and retreat will continue to rely heavily on volunteer contributions, we are working hard to live up to our feminist ideals by beginning to adequately compensate women for their skilled labor. 

We know that to truly support women, we need to pay women. Your generous support helps make this possible.

Whether you donate $5 or $500, your contributions make an impact.

How to donate:

Donate through our website.Donate through our fundraisers on Facebook or Instagram (then re-share the fundraisers on your social media!). Donate by shopping for Exponent II merch on our Bonfire store. Donate by gifting a subscription to Exponent II to a friend. 

Photo: Exponent II volunteer Linda Hamilton in a sweatshirt available from our Bonfire store

In 2025, we’re studying Doctrine and Covenants for Come Follow Me, and we have your back!

In 2025, we’re studying Doctrine and Covenants for the Come Follow Me curriculum, and we’re here to help with our bloggers’ feminist and nuanced lesson plans! Teaching Doctrine and Covenants can be a challenge. (I understand! Step 5 of my 15 Step Process to writing a D&C Come Follow Me lesson is “I give up.”) But Exponent II is here for you as always with our longstanding strategy of teaching lessons with a feminist perspective, historical context and inclusive content and language.

The same Come Follow Me curriculum will be used by every age group: Primary, youth and adult Sunday School, Young Women and Aaronic Priesthood/Young Men, and Family Home Evening/personal study. The good news is that since Doctrine and Covenants was the favorite scripture source for writers of the previous youth curriculum, we have a lot of youth-focused lessons about Doctrine and Covenants already available on our website archive.

Because Doctrine and Covenants is a collection of historical documents, this year is an opportunity to teach the history of a time period in the not-so-distant past where we can find many historical sources to add nuance to the texts available in Doctrine and Covenants. Our bloggers have brought in sources containing the perspectives of women, indigenous peoples, and non-Mormons who were involved in the events referenced in Doctrine and Covenants, and added historical facts to give context to the lessons.

Here are some of the nuanced lessons plans covering Doctrine and Covenants lessons for the January and February Come Follow Me curriculum already available at Exponent II. Is the lesson you need to teach not here yet? No worries! We’ll continue to post new lesson plans as the year goes on. Keep checking our Doctrine and Covenants Come Follow Me Lesson Plans collection to find the new lesson plans we’ll add throughout the year.

Joseph Smith—History 1: 1–26 “I SAW A PILLAR OF LIGHT”

Come Follow Me: Joseph Smith—History 1:1–26 “I Saw a Pillar of Light”

Come Follow Me: Joseph Smith—History 1:1–26 “I Saw a Pillar of Light”

Come Follow Me: Joseph Smith—History 1:1–26 “I Saw a Pillar of Light”

Doctrine and Covenants 2; Joseph Smith—History 1:27-65 “THE HEARTS OF THE CHILDREN SHALL TURN TO THEIR FATHERS”

Come Follow Me: Doctrine and Covenants 2; Joseph Smith—History 1:27–65 “The Hearts of the Children Shall Turn to Their Fathers”

Doctrine and Covenants 3–5 “MY WORK SHALL GO FORTH”

Come Follow Me: Doctrine & Covenants 3-5 “My Work Shall Go Forth” & 10-11 “That You May Come Off Conqueror”

Come Follow Me: Doctrine and Covenants 3–5 “My Work Shall Go Forth”

Doctrine and Covenants 6–9 “THIS IS THE SPIRIT OF REVELATION”

Come Follow Me: Doctrine and Covenants 6–9 “This Is the Spirit of Revelation”

Doctrine and Covenants 10–11 “THAT YOU MAY COME OFF CONQUEROR”

Come Follow Me: Doctrine & Covenants 3-5 “My Work Shall Go Forth” & 10-11 “That You May Come Off Conqueror”